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Caitlyn was overwhelmed as she tried to process everything Janet had just told her about the moment she realized she needed help. She could even picture it so vividly, almost as if she was standing behind her mother in a women’s room at County General in 1996 as she looked at her reflection. What it must have been like for Janet to discover who she was really seeing in the mirror: someone at rock bottom who just couldn’t take it anymore and finally wanted to cry or scream. She imagined being a bystander in the hallways as her mother went to the chief of staff’s office as fast as she could to make her confession. Caitlyn knew her own caregiving nature; she would probably want to try to comfort her or ask if she could help.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, trying to refocus on the present and the AA chips and letters from County that were sitting in a box in front of her. “I need a minute.”
“Take your time.” Janet said. “Do you want tissues?”
“Mmmhmm.”
Janet handed her the box and Caitlyn took a few, drying a tear going down her face. “I just can’t imagine how you could even work like this, while hiding a drinking problem.” she told her mom.
“Honestly, I’m surprised myself…yes, even still to this day,” Janet replied. “I thought someone was going to find me out and turn me in before I got the chance to ask for help, especially since I wasn’t particularly liked and was an easy target to get ratted out. But…I knew the ways to keep it from my coworkers. I brushed my teeth a lot and went through breath mints like it was no one’s business. I only drank a small amount at work when I got stressed so I wouldn’t be impaired. I went on my binges after finishing a shift, when I knew I had enough time to sleep it off. I’m just…I never once thought that you and Drew were seeing and hearing it all when I got home. I’ll forever regret the fact that I made you wonder where I was and that I’d hear you crying and telling your dad and your friends how much I ignored you.”
“And no one even noticed something was wrong with you?” Caitlyn looked confused.
“That’s not entirely accurate. I was talked to a few times about my temper and the way I spoke to residents. At one point my job was on the line because I had such a bad attitude. I’d always claim stress or problems at home and say I was working on it. Remember, your dad and I were having problems even without the drinking. We had really moved too fast into marriage and kids and then I was struggling. I even remember wanting to be done breastfeeding so I could have a drink, which…looking back, such an intense craving should have been a sign of an oncoming problem, but neither me or him thought anything was wrong or could even predict what was coming.
But even though my coworkers could tell I was acting differently, nobody really thought it was because of alcohol, so when the truth came out, they were surprised. I ended up causing a resident to transfer. I still feel guilty about that. I saw that woman a few years ago and we talked briefly, including me apologizing for my behavior. She accepted, which she certainly didn’t have to after all the grief I caused her. She told me she couldn’t forget how I’d treated her, but that she was happy I’d corrected myself and managed to get my career back on track.”
“So you never hurt a patient? I’m sorry, Mom, but all this cover-up…it’s so hard for me to believe that nothing ever happened to any of your patients.”
“I had trouble making decisions at times in emergencies or switching gears quickly. But…since you asked and we’re trying to be more honest with each other, there was one case…” Janet took a breath to compose herself. “Sorry, honey. This particular one was in ‘95, a little less than a year before I got help, and it’s still hard for me to talk about my role in it.”
“It’s OK. I want to know. I’m a nurse; I can handle gory details.”
“All right.” Janet took a sip of her juice and continued.
“So, one day, I got called to St. Luke’s to do a C-section—I had privileges both there and County at the time since I did my residency at St. Luke’s—and one of the ER doctors, Dr. Greene, had called me about a full-term pregnant woman who had had a seizure and had been in earlier with an elevated BP and what he thought was a bladder infection. However, it turned out he had misdiagnosed her and she had pre-eclampsia. I told him to induce if he felt comfortable because OB was slammed that day and no one could come down to the ER to take her up.”
“What on Earth?” Caitlyn almost sounded angry with her questioning. “Why would anyone let that happen?”
“Believe me, the resident on call—who himself transferred not long after the incident—got an earful. I wasn’t department head at the time, but I was the attending on duty. He should have made room for her no matter what the hell was going on upstairs. I saw the mess that had been made down in the ER when they attempted a C-section without another OB or a surgeon, and I made sure Dr. Greene took every last bit of blame. I wasn’t there; why should it be my fault? That was my process, because of course, drinking made me want to avoid responsibility for my mistakes. I thought hey I’ll go hard on him, I won’t get sued, this won’t be my problem…and so on. The hospital settled the eventual lawsuit and somehow, I wasn’t even named. I don’t even think the woman’s husband could remember my name. I got lucky.
“The reality was, I could have come sooner. The C-section at St. Luke’s was pretty routine. I just felt under pressure knowing what was going on at County and I sort of assumed one of the other OBs would eventually help Dr. Greene when things slowed down upstairs.”
“You drank on your way there, didn’t you?” Caitlyn interrupted.
“My usual small amount to take the edge off, yes. At that time, the alcohol was making me angry and more defensive. So when I arrived, needless to say I blew up at the ER staff. The patient also had had an abruption—which was also missed—and seized for a second time, and she ended up bleeding out. Yes, if only something had been done sooner, but if only I hadn’t had a drink first and instead sprinted over to the hospital, maybe that mother would still be alive today. But I had to give in before my craving got worse.”
Caitlyn sighed. “What happened to Dr. Greene?”
“Funny you ask.” Janet shook her head. “He didn’t end up losing his job or anything like that; his coworkers and the ER chief at the time largely backed him up and told him he made a mistake, it could have happened to any of them…the kind of thing you say to support a colleague after something like that. But I will say, we had a hard time getting along after that, even years later when he was helping a friend give birth and trying to intervene too much for my liking during her C-section.
“I give him credit for one thing, though: when I returned to work after rehab, he approached me and offered his support, and he made sure that he and the chief resident shut down any gossip going on in the ER. It didn’t make us friends, but he was professional enough to back me and not let others speculate about my problems. He died a while ago, though…inoperable brain tumor. Left behind a wife and two daughters. I remember hearing he died and realizing that our feud mattered little now that he was gone.”
“That’s too bad,” Caitlyn said. “And it helps you realize how sometimes holding grudges just isn’t worth it. I mean, sorry to be morbid, but we’re all going to die in the end, right?”
“Nope. You’re right.” Janet had started to cry now. “And I know you’re still kind of harboring one against me. You said it yourself last time you were here: you weren’t ready to forgive me or say ‘I love you’ just yet. I don’t blame you, and I’m not telling you this story to make you forget how I hurt you. I wanted to tell you because you’re here looking at these letters and hearing about how work was the place where I hit rock bottom. If I never told you the ways I nearly tanked my own career—which I tended to love more than my marriage and family at times—I’d be leaving out a huge part of history. You should know what happened even if we need to cry about it.”
Caitlyn nodded. “I’m glad you told me. I just…knowing how successful you are, seeing for myself how much your patients love you and what a difference you’ve made for them…all this stuff about how Dr. Coburn is the best, it’s crazy to me that you almost let alcohol ruin everything.
“I want to sit on this, though. It’s a piece of information for me to keep in mind. I don’t only care about the past but I’m also not going to take your word for the present either. It’s in the middle…I’m ready to hear about your mistakes, but how we move forward…that depends on whether I can see and hear if you’re trying to do better and really understand how you hurt me and Drew, and Dad, and everyone else around you. Then I need to know that you can be there for me now and want to improve our relationship as much as I do.”
“I get it,” Janet said. “Trust doesn’t come back easy.”
“But I must say,” Caitlyn continued. “A lot of positive patient reviews can’t be wrong, so long as you’re not making people write them to pump you up. And you do run the OB department so clearly whoever is in charge now has a high enough opinion of you and has seen you handle your recovery in a positive way. Just give me time, though. I need to build more confidence in you.”
They sat silently at the table for another minute. Janet had felt a lot of memories rushing back, and she was starting to feel bad. If she had been sober or ready to get help at the time, she likely would have admitted that she showed up later than she should have, and that OB was as much in the wrong as the ER. She just didn’t know if Caitlyn was ready to hear that.
“You don’t want to know what I would have done if I hadn’t been drunk, right?” she asked, just to be sure.
“I considered asking you that, but…no. I don’t really need to explore what-if scenarios. The fact is, I told you that you can’t ignore how you acted or dress it down. I’m not trying to be a hypocrite because I’ve also wished I took different actions in some situations, but we can’t go back and make different decisions. Ellie helped me see that, which is what pushed me forward to try and fix our relationship. That you can’t change what happened during your addiction, but we can find a way to work through it and start on a new path.
“And what ended up happening with St. Luke’s? I never remember hearing about you working there.”
“Understandable. You were younger during my residency anyway so you wouldn’t know. Once I went to rehab, they found out what a problem I’d been at County and decided to revoke my privileges. I got the news not long after I got back and their OB department head asked me to come in for a meeting. It took a while for me to accept the consequences. But I ended up realizing after a couple of months that it was better for my recovery to only work at one hospital anyway.”
“So did you ever make amends there? Or did you just let it go because they were that upset with you?”
“I apologized for my actions during the meeting and talked about what I was doing to continue working on my recovery. But it was obvious I was upset and disappointed, and I probably didn’t handle the news in the most gracious way. After that, I didn’t want to go back to make further amends, but my sponsor suggested I should. However, she said that I should only go under the condition that I can’t expect to work there again. She told me to not even think about doing it if I was going to disguise it as a way to ask if I could ever get my privileges back. It took me about six months to be ready to go there because that’s how long I needed to accept my punishment.
“Once I went there, though, it felt so much better, and I could see why Nancy—my sponsor—told me to not go until the time was right. I apologized to the department head again for the harm I caused at the hospital during my addiction and how I’d acted in the meeting several months earlier, and then let her know I was still sober and now understood and respected the hospital’s decision. She forgave me and we started a friendship. She moved to North Carolina a few years ago, but we still talk on the phone once in a while and send cards back and forth.”
“Well, that’s a nice ending to the story. And your sponsor had a point,” Caitlyn said. “I know you don’t like to be wrong or admit you messed up, but it sounds like she really forced you to think about your actions. So at least I see some sign that you know that not everyone has to give you another chance.”
Caitlyn pushed the box back to Janet. “You know, maybe now wouldn’t be such a bad time to take a walk and breathe, maybe change the subject. We can still do that like we talked about, right?”
“Of course.” Janet stood up. “Do you want to go for ice cream?”
“You bet. And hey, maybe some time you can tell me more about Nancy. Can I meet her?”
Janet looked away for a minute. “I wish you could. She died earlier this year; she had some health issues and went into heart failure. I got to see her before she passed, at least, and let her know how thankful I was for everything she did for me. It was an emotional conversation. Very hard time for me…I went to a lot of extra meetings in the early stages of grief.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Caitlyn put a comforting arm around her mother, and Janet returned the gesture. “But I’d still love to hear what she was like, if you don’t mind.”
“That I can do.” Janet smiled at her, and they headed outside to get some fresh air.