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Janet stood up to walk to the front of the room for her share, and she turned back to Caitlyn, who gave her an encouraging smile and nod. They were at Janet’s regular AA meeting, which this week, was a birthday meeting for all members with a sobriety birthday in February. Caitlyn was in attendance to give her mother her latest chip and see what a meeting was like, as she had never observed one until now. The topic of the week was relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or familial.
When Janet was in front of the group, she wrung her hands to shake off some nerves, and then she began.
“There is no better feeling than hearing your daughter say ‘I love you’ for the first time since she was a child,” she said, and she immediately felt tears go down her face. “I have cried in front of her throughout this journey, and she’s told me how much it means to her when I share my feelings and try to be vulnerable. I’m still working on it, but I knew I couldn’t let tonight go by without standing up here and talking about how much this means to me. My son…he’s away at school and has a big test, so he couldn’t come. But I feel so comforted knowing he wished he could be here and that we’re a family again. I hope that we can mark our successes to date so we can look back when times get tough—because life is never smooth sailing—and realize how much we’re willing to do for each other and how far we’ve come.
“My kids may be grown, but I know I never want to lose them again. And I hope I can stay sober so I don’t. They’ve always been a big reason why I stuck with recovery.. But now I can say, I’m sober and my daughter is here to see living proof of my lifestyle. It’s the ultimate form of acceptance, and I can’t wait to have more birthdays with her and her brother by my side.”
Janet sat back down and took Caitlyn’s hand; she noticed her daughter was crying too. Abby, who was sitting on Caitlyn’s right, offered them both tissues and extra water.
“I don’t know how I’m going to do this presentation without crying now,” Caitlyn whispered to Abby.
“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to,” Abby replied. “Luka’s not a big public speaker, so he just gave me my chip and hugged and kissed me and then we sat back down. No big deal. It’s a matter of preference. Whatever you do, you’ll be fine.”
When the time came for chip presentations, Caitlyn joined the other friends and family in attendance at the front, and the secretary handed her a white box that contained Janet’s chip. She looked down at it and recalled opening the box her mother had at home with all her previous chips. She remembered Janet explaining that she pulled out the chips from time to time to hold them and look at them when having a bad day or just wanted to express gratitude for how far she had come. And now, she was going to be a part of that ritual, giving her mom another chip to add to the collection. Janet would look back when she needed to and not only see the chip, but remember how her daughter had presented it to her and attended an AA meeting for the first time.
When her mom’s name was called, with a mention of being 14 years sober, Janet walked up to the front of the room to applause and beamed at Caitlyn. Caitlyn handed her the box and gave her a big hug.
“I’m so proud of you,” she said, immediately bursting into tears. “You deserve this.”
“Thank you for being here and supporting me,” Janet replied. “I love you and Drew so much. This means a lot, especially without Nancy here.”
Caitlyn turned to face the other attendees, making eye contact with Abby so she could relax but still look like she had her eyes on everyone in the room.
“You know, my mom’s friend told me I didn’t have to talk,” she started. “But if I can, I just want to say that I used to not trust my mom. I was so deeply hurt by her addiction and didn’t think I could ever love her again, even though I wanted to. I’m sure a lot of you have similar stories. But I always wished things would be OK and I could have a good relationship with her and we could do regular mother-daughter things. I hit a point where I just couldn’t be angry anymore and I knew I had to stop wishing and extend an olive branch.
“I’ve realized over these last nine months just how inspiring Mom is both to me and to others in AA. She sets her mind to things and achieves them, and she doesn’t let this define her life. And in repairing our relationship, she’s kept her commitments and really tried to live her amends to me. We can’t take back the past, but the things she’s doing now…that’s all I can ask for. I’m so honored that she invited me tonight, and I repeat the promise here that I made to her all those months ago: I want to help and support her with recovery. I know she needs it to be strong, and by coming here tonight, I hope she feels that I’ve done that. Thank you, Mom, for being so heartfelt and sharing. I love you, too.”
Everyone clapped again, and Caitlyn gave Janet another hug.
“Your mascara ran,” Janet whispered, and winked at her. “I’m going to have some on my shirt now.”
“It’ll come out in the wash, right?”
“Eh, if not, I’ll just buy another top. Clothes can be replaced, but you can't."
After cake and coffee, Janet and Caitlyn hugged Abby goodbye and wished her a safe trip back to Boston the next day. Then, they left for Janet’s condo.
“Do you want to stay for a little bit more or are you just going to get your car and go home?” Janet asked Caitlyn.
“I’d love to stay, but work calls in the morning. You know that.”
“Yes, unfortunately. So, what did you think? I know you were pretty nervous about even coming to a meeting. Do you feel better now that you’ve seen how I spend every Tuesday night?”
“Yeah. I’m really glad you shared. It helped me see that you can be emotional and vulnerable when you have to. And it helped meeting Abby and hearing that she’s also a doctor who’s struggled with alcohol and had to rebuild her life, not to mention how much you helped her as her sponsor.”
“I’m glad that helped. Even when I first started going to meetings, I was surprised when I met people like attorneys, dentists, or bankers. It showed me that I was not the only one who had a lot of money and career potential but still had an addiction. You learn fast that it affects people from all walks of life.
“As far as sharing is concerned, I don’t share because I have to,” Janet corrected her. “There’s no requirement to share. Sometimes I just sit and listen, but tonight, I wanted to do it so you could see further proof that I’m serious about staying in recovery. Did I do a good job? You tell me; if I sounded fake and you’re having doubts…”
“No. It was really genuine. After you finished, my anxiety kind of faded and I felt so honored to be there. I know you miss your sponsor and that it’s barely been a year since she died, so I knew that even though I was worried, I should push that aside so you could feel supported. Like I can’t fill her shoes, but I can do my best. And besides, I bet Nancy looked down on you getting your chip and had the biggest smile on her face, if she was like that.”
“Well, she was kind of like me personality wise.” Janet chuckled. “She used to smile and give me a thumbs up or a nod of approval after a good share, and she certainly didn’t sugarcoat when I wasn’t following the program or tried to hide my feelings from her. But yes, I’m sure she was watching. Even she loved a good birthday meeting. Her son would always present her chip, and she gave me mine for many years until she got too sick to come anymore. Last year I invited my church pastor and his wife to the meeting, but I’m so thrilled you accepted this year.”
“Drew told me he wants to come next year,” Caitlyn said. “He really wished he could make up that test, but spring break is next week and he knew he probably wouldn’t get much studying done. But next year, you’ll be 15, so it’s a milestone.”
“Ah, but that’s next year. We can’t talk about that right now. One day at a time. Nancy always reinforced that with me because addiction is so precarious that you can never get ahead of yourself. She always felt there was a risk of being too lax and slacking on the program if you focused too much on the next birthday.
“That said, if I make it to 15, I’m glad you guys are already planning to come.”
“I—sorry, I mean Drew and I—want to present you with chips as long as you make it. I want this to be something new that we do. Whether I come to your birthday meeting or we just celebrate you not having a drink after you’ve had a rough time. I want to hear that you went to an extra meeting or found another way to push forward.”
“I like that a lot.” Janet smiled at her. “And I’ll support you and be proud of you too. If you’re ever struggling with your mental health but find a small victory in the middle of all that, tell me about it. I want to know when you have a good day at work or when you shared something in Al-Anon and the impact it had on you. To me, sharing isn’t just something I do at a meeting and forget about it. It should be the way we communicate too. There can be no secrets.
“I can get used to this, though. This new relationship where we celebrate holidays and birthdays, both of the sober kind and the regular kind. And we’re open and honest and supportive of each other’s struggles. I’ll do my best as long as you do the same for me.”
“Agreed.” Caitlyn said with a nod. “Plus, we’ll have Mother’s Day celebrations too. I can’t wait to finally look forward to it and spend time with you and Drew that day. We want to give you the best one possible.”
“I can’t wait to see what you plan.”
“But for now,” Caitlyn continued, remembering Janet wanted to live in the present. “Happy birthday again, Mom. It’s really hard to make it this far in recovery, I know, and you beat the odds. You’re still beating them. I’m so glad I accepted your invite and that you realize how important it is to have me here.”
“Well, thank you for coming and being open-minded. We have a bright future. Now, wipe your face when we get back and before you head home because there are no more tears. There’s no need to cry yourself to sleep tonight. We had our celebration, but tomorrow we keep heading in the right direction. How’s that sound?”
“It’s what we’ve wanted all along.”