Chapter Text
"But now I know how I feel. Are your feelings for me still there?"
Chopper froze. A little piece of his heart was jumping with hope. He reminded himself to breathe and looked back at Ben who shifted closer. His best friend who grew apart. His crush who didn't return his feelings. And, his cousin's boyfriend whose relationship status is unclear.
He looked away, skin burning where their legs were touching now.
"When Nueng and Palm are back," he said barely more than a whisper, "talk to him first and then ask me again."
He almost smiled, but the prospect of betraying his cousin, even in thought made him want to rip his own skin off. If the guilt of everything his father had done wasn't enough, he knew now this would also stay in his conscience till Nueng was back and safe.
Ben took a minute to reply, and it was accompanied by a smile, "Well, can we start as friends again then?"
There his heart went again. He nodded.
"You knew all along, didn't you? Tell me that you didn't know your dad did it," Chopper looked down at the bathroom tiles terrified of what this meant, "tell me you pretended to be worried about Nuengdiao. You comforted me even though you knew your dad was behind the attack."
He knew this was over now. Whatever chance they had to be friends, was gone now. Don't put him in danger, please just keep him out of it , his head screamed. Or maybe it was his heart. He really didn't care. All he knew is his dad was not a man of reason. He would not let anyone get caught in the middle of all this. He will stand in the way of his father and the people he cares about.
He remembers asking Ben to let him deal with it. He remembers trying to convince him he was really just trying his best and he didn’t want Ben to get hurt. He remembers saying, “I’m begging you, please let me take care of this. I promise you, I won’t let my dad kill anyone again,” he swallowed, “if he hurts you, I don’t think I can bear it. Can you please do that for me, Ben? Please promise me you will let me handle this.”
But, what he remembers most was Ben’s last words before he walked out. It was like Ben was playing a game of how far he can push till his heart cracked. The sigh that preceded his answer was an effective blow.
“I’ll wait and see what you’re going to do. If you don’t do anything, I’ll do it.” Chopper really hoped it didn’t have to come to that, but he understood. “When the day comes,” Ben continued, “I won’t care about your feelings for me.”
He snatched his hands away and walked away. He stumbled back. He knew to brace for impact but nothing could have prepared him for that. He didn’t expect the way the awful day from 10th grade came rushing back.
The rejection and loss he felt that day was hitting him again. But with ten times the intensity. The implication sat heavily. You are just like your father. I don’t expect you to be any better. If you can’t do anything you deserve all that you get. This time the rejection would not be about who Ben was. It would be about who Chopper was, and he probably deserved it after all.
He wiped the tear that managed to escape, taking in a shaky breath. He washed his face hoping he looked normal. He waited till the bell rang, till he absolutely had to go back out to do so. Because once again, he was walking out… alone .
He clenched onto his blankets trying to calm his racing heart, his cousin’s words playing on repeat.
“Are you glad to see me? I thought you’d be disappointed.”
The tears were not a choice, but he was glad there was no one there to see him. He couldn’t possibly make this about himself. He didn’t want to burden someone else with his emotions. He wasn't sure why it was that he was crying at all. Guilt seemed like the most obvious answer but longing seemed to burrow in him and nest there. He wished he could stop but every thought of stopping just made everything worse.
“Are you glad to see me? I thought you’d be disappointed.”
How could he ever be disappointed in seeing the only other person who understood him even remotely came back? Nueng and he were not going to fight like his dad and his brother. That was something they’d both agreed on since they were kids. He had fought to go to the same school as Nueng so they had a neutral place to meet which did not involve business talk and all the manipulation. And he thought they still had that understanding. They are brothers. And still, you did nothing to save him.
“Are you glad to see me? I thought you’d be disappointed. Your best wishes aren't enough for me”
Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.
He held his breath and counted to ten. No, he reminded himself. He went to the police. He told them what his dad did. The only thing that led to was his dad finding out and locking him up in this room. Because you are nothing more than a pawn, and you will never be. Nueng is right to hate you. Ben is right to hate you. You deserve this pain. You deserve worse. You deserve-
The phone buzzed next to him halting his thought. He almost silenced it till he saw Palm’s caller ID flashing on the screen. Palm?
He wiped away the tears with the sleeves and answered, “Palm, are you okay?”
“Chopper, yeah, Hi, sorry for calling you so late.”
He sat up, “No, no. It’s okay. Where are you? I hope you’re safe.”
“ I’m okay now,” he answered, “ Do you know where Khun Nueng is?”
Nueng? Oh my god, “He was in school in the morning, I assumed he went back home, is he missing? Palm, where are you, I’ll come there and we can-”
“ Chopper calm down,” How could he? What if his father found a way to- a way to- no he couldn’t finish that thought, “ I’m not in Bangkok. I just wanted to make sure he was, that’s all.”
Huh? “Where are you, Palm?”
“ I’m on a bus back,” he sounded solemn, he waited for further explanation, “ Khun Nueng ordered me not to contact him, but,” oh, he understood that tone all too well.
“You wanted to make sure he was okay?”
“ Yes. I’m really sorry for calling you this late, I just got my phone from where I stashed it.”
“It’s okay. I’m just glad you are okay,” He wanted to ask Palm about what happened between him and Nueng, he wanted to ask him if he also hated him for being the reason they had to run away, for his father being arrested. But, he was scared, so he instead asked, “Are you coming to school tomorrow?”
“ Yeah, I think I will. But I’m- uh. ” he didn’t interrupt the silence this time, “ I’m not sure what it's going to be like. I have a lot to figure out. And Khun Nueng is not-”
“It’s okay, we’ll figure it out once you’re here. I’ll help in whatever way I can,” he promised.
“ Thank you. ”
They both stayed on the line a while more as the traffic noises filled the air. He didn’t want to cut the call for some reason, and neither it seems did Palm. He pulled in a calming breath, Palm followed suit. It was a while more before Palm broke the silence.
“ Hey Chopper, are you okay? It must have been a lot of stress for you too.”
Oh? He doesn’t remember the last time someone asked him that. His eyes welled up again. He bit his lip to keep quiet. “Not as stressful as it was for you or Nueng. I’m just-” he pulled the phone away and took another breath, “I'm just really glad you both are safe Palm. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” and then he cut the call.
He didn’t go to school the next day.
He did text Palm to make sure he was here though. Helped find him a ride but he said he’d handle the rest himself. Chopper didn’t want to push in case Palm was also worried that his involvement might somehow get information back to his dad. Fair assumption.
He didn’t go to school the day after that either. Or the day after that.
He stayed in bed, food untouched. Maybe tomorrow. But he couldn't gather himself to face Nueng or Ben yet. Or anyone at school.
No one bothered him either. Not his dad, not his classmates, not even his teachers.
It made sense though.
For two weeks he avoided the world all too well till he heard his dad's screaming voice again followed by the sound of shattering glass.
He froze.
He threw away his blanket and ran down making as little noise as he could. Palm? Oh no.
He couldn't hear what they were saying but at least Palm didn't look physically hurt he waited there till his dad liked like he was done and about to let palm go and sneaked into the backyard.
He ran to catch up to him before he could leave and grabbed his arm. Before he knew it a gun was against his head and he heard the safety click off. Chopper quickly let go of his friend's hands and held his own up in surrender.
“Sorry, I swear I just want to help. I understand you have no reason to trust me but if Nuengdiao is in danger, or you are, I really just want to help.”
Palm put his gun back and before Chopper knew it he was pulled into a hug. “I was so worried about you. No one has seen you in two weeks. Where have you been? And why is your phone switched off?”
His arms remained limp on his side but Palm wasn’t letting him go. He wanted to fight him, any more of this and he might start crying. Palm pat his back once again and it was too late to stop the tears. His hands curled around Palm’s and he didn’t know how long it was till they pulled apart.
The owner of the stall placed food on their table and Chopper dutifully took a bite before looking back up at Palm.
“We can still talk after you eat,” he’d told him as he brought them here.
“Why aren’t you mad at me?” Chopper asked.
The silence probably lasted a lot lesser than it felt like to him, but Palm took a second to consider the question, “Do you want to hurt me or Nueng?” he asked.
“Of course not! I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“Then I don’t see any reason to I should be mad at you. Unless there’s something I don’t know?”
“But my father…”
“Chopper, look at me,” he couldn’t, but Palm simply waited. He fidgeted with the spoon and slowly looked up, “You are also a victim here. I know you don’t have a choice here. I’m hoping you are still trying to do the right thing, which you clearly seem to be considering you’re here with me despite how you’re doing yourself. I’m not mad at you. I don’t think you’ll give me a reason to be either.”
Chopper nodded.
“I’m really sorry Palm. I wish there was more I could do. He gave you two weeks, right? I’ll get whatever I can on him. Pa Thanya can hopefully take care of the rest because anytime I go to the authorities they just report back to my dad. I know Nueng will make sure your dad is safe too. Give me some time, I promise you’ll have everything you’ll need.”
“What about you? What will you do?”
“I-” He didn't really know, but, “I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about me,” he smiled, and hopefully it looked reassuring. Palm nodded. “Thank you, Palm.”
He raised his eyebrow in question.
“Thank you for trusting me.”
He was in school. There was only one reason for him being here. He’d given it a lot of thought, this was the only solution he could think of. He had a bag packed back at home and a ticket resting heavily in his pocket. The school was the safest place to give Palm this pen drive. No one without an ID was allowed inside, so they knew they wouldn’t be followed. He waited near the pool for Palm to be done with his classes. He didn’t want to face anyone right now. He didn’t want to see Ben. A single word from him and Chopper would drop his safety and stay if that’s what he asked.
He wasn’t going to be graduating with them, he realised. But this was more important. As much as he couldn’t wait to leave for college, he was happier knowing his friends and family were safe than his future. That he could figure out any time.
“Chopper, I thought I’d see you in class,” Palm said as a greeting.
“I had to get something else sorted, and I also have to leave before the next class.” Palm nodded. Chopper held out the pen drive, “I’m not sure how useful this will be, but it is everything I could find. If it isn’t enough there’s also the access information to my PC which is connected to the house’s network, so Pa Thanya can probably use it to dig something up I couldn’t.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
He knew it would take Pa Thanya at least a day or two to use whatever is in here to get his dad for good, but even then he couldn’t come back.
“You’ll be okay, right?” he asked Palm who nodded again in response. “Please take care of Nueng too. And tell him I’m sorry for not being better or doing more.”
Palm blinked at him, “I don’t think you need to, but if you want to tell him, tell him yourself when you’re back. It’s only two weeks.”
There wasn’t anything left for him here anyways. Things were too complicated. He needed a fresh start. Go somewhere where no one knew him. Save some money. Then he can come back and take his high school exams and apply for college.
“Right,” he said instead, “Just tell him I’m sorry anyways. I’ll talk to him again when I’m back.”
“Okay,” The doubt was evident in his voice but he didn’t push. The bell rang again which meant Palm had to go. Before he could though, Chopper pulled him into a hug.
“Thank you, Palm. I really hope you get all the happiness you deserve.” Palm patted his back in response.
“Don’t be a stranger.”
He took the long way to the back of the school that Nueng and him used to run out of school from time to time. He had a little time before his bus. It would probably be the last time he ever sees this place. He found himself wandering near the bench where he first confessed to Ben all those years back. Were things simpler back then or was he just not aware?
“Chopper?” Oh no. “It is you, oh my god, where the heck have you been?” Ben’s voice was too close he needed to get away. Right now. But his feet stood frozen. Why now of all times? Why him of all people? “Chopper,” he held his shoulder turning till they were facing each other, “What is going on?”
You know what, if this was going to be goodbye anyway, he would be stupid not to say his piece to Ben before he leaves.
“Hey, I need you to say something. I haven’t seen you in nearly a month,” Ben demanded.
Chopped wrapped his hands around the other boy and settled his chin on the crook of his neck.
“Thank you for being my first friend,” he whispered, “Thank you for being my first love,” he paused another beat. Ben’s arms remained firmly by his side, “You gave me so much more than I deserve. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you. I hope you and Nueng figure things out. You deserve to be happy.”
“Chopper, what is-” He didn’t let Ben finish.
“I have to go,” he said running to the back wall.
He really believed that they’ll all be fine. Hopefully, he’ll be fine eventually too.