Chapter Text
“Oooh, pancakes,” I could smell them as I walked into the kitchen.
“Not just any pancakes, banana pancakes,” said Jake. “Your favorite. And I didn’t even burn them this time.”
“Hmm, I probably shouldn’t distract you then, huh?” I hugged him from behind, snuggling into his shoulder as he poured more batter onto the griddle.
“Not unless you want me to burn the house down," he admitted. "Where’s Rachel? The first batch is getting cold.”
“Rachel? Come get breakfast!” I yelled. I should have gone to go look for her, but I wasn’t ready to let go of Jake quite yet.
“Sorry! I’m coming.” A little girl padded into the kitchen. She had big hair, caramel skin, and brown eyes. Jake’s eyes. “I was just talking to Mr. Bear. Can he have some breakfast too?”
“Sure, honey, there’s plenty for everyone,” I said.
“Mr. Bear? Mommy says you can come in,” she yelled back into the living room.
A large, yellowish-white head poked in through the doorway, and my heart stopped. I knew this Polar Bear. He was one of the morph-capable controllers from the Blade ship. The one who had killed my best friend. He looked at me, then Jake, then the sweet little girl standing before us. I could see the evil glint in his eyes.
He roared and started to charge.
“Nooooooooo!”
I woke up covered in sweat, the nightmare still burning in my mind. Tears poured down my face as I tried to slow my breathing. It felt so real!
I finally managed to calm down, but I was too frustrated to go back to sleep. What happened to all the progress I’d made over the past four years? My therapist, Dr. Applebaum, said my commitment was inspiring. Every week we talked about my feelings, confronted my fears, and set milestones for progress. This time last year, I was going months at a time without nightmares. Now I was lucky to go two days.
It had been over a year since Jake led the remaining Animorphs, minus me, on a mission to save our friend Ax, whose ship had been attacked in a far off corner of the galaxy. The renegade Yeerk Blade ship slaughtered Ax’s entire crew and disappeared into alien territory. It was the same ship that the real Rachel died trying to stop years ago.
The mission to recover Ax was unlikely to succeed, but Jake was used to facing impossible odds. After all, he had defeated an entire alien invasion with a handful of teenagers that could morph into animals. Surely he could rescue Ax, destroy the Blade ship, and return home safely, right?
For the first few months, I checked constantly for updates. But as the months dragged on, I felt myself losing hope. Now, I mostly tried not to think about it. Unfortunately, ‘not thinking about it’ became much more difficult a few weeks ago. That’s when the nightmares came back.
They weren’t just more frequent, they were also more vivid and terrifying. Not just flashbacks of old battles, but elaborate scenarios that toyed with my worst fears, insecurities, and desires. It was as if my subconscious was deliberately trying to torture me. Jake was always there. Not a version of him I’d ever known in real life – the wartime Jake who loved me or the post-war Jake who didn’t – but a version that made my heart ache with longing. It was a Jake who could never exist after the soul-crushing moment when he sent Rachel to her death.
I heard the voice of Dr. Applebaum in my mind, “Jake was a very important part of your life, but you’ve moved on. Focus on what matters now.”
Things that matter. My job, my parents, school, Ronnie.
Dr. Applebaum could be president of the Ronnie Chambers Fan Club. He’s smart, strong, dependable, and a million other positive adjectives. My relationship with Ronnie was very different than what I’d shared with Jake (built on “shared values and compatibility” rather than “shared trauma and codependency”, as Dr. Applebaum would say). Ronnie made me a better person, and he even made me happy, most of the time.
I wanted him to occupy as much space in my heart as Jake had, even if I could never love him with the same intensity. Yet I never dreamed about a future with Ronnie. I never doodled ‘Mrs. Cassie Chambers’ in my notebooks. When I imagined my children, I’d never seen them with Ronnie’s green eyes instead of Jake’s brown ones…
“Stop it, Cassie, you’re spiraling.” I could practically hear my Doctor talking me down. “Take a break from your thoughts, they’ll always be there later. Find something productive to occupy your mind.”
Fortunately, Cassie the Animorph is a very in-demand person, so there is always something productive to do, even at 4 in the morning.
Between my career, finishing my degree, and keeping up with the various requests that come with being a celebrity, my inbox was always full. You’d be shocked how many kids use their Make-a-Wish to meet an Animorph. Of course I’m not the one they really want, but now that Jake and Marco are unavailable…well like I said, it’s easy to stay busy.
The top email in my inbox was an itinerary for a charity fundraiser I’d be speaking at the following week. I’d wanted to blow it off, but I had gotten a personal invitation from Jean. As in Jake’s mother, Jean Berenson. In some ways, that made me want to blow it off even more. But I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if my mother asked Jake to help with an event.
No, I didn’t have to wonder. Even after everything that happened between us, Jake would be there.
Ten days and seven nightmares later, I found myself heading down to the lobby of the Marriott where I was staying. Actually, it was the same Marriott where we Animorphs busted up a world leadership summit many years ago. Fortunately, they managed to repair the damage, and it looked nicer than ever. My palms were sweaty as I came in to meet Jean at the appointed time. It still felt weird calling her Jean, but I guess if I could be on a first-name basis with the President of the United States, I could handle being on a first-name basis with Mrs. Berenson.
It was a fundraiser for the HCRG, Human Controller Rehabilitation Group. I honestly didn’t know that much about the organization, other than that they provided resources for former human controllers and that Jean was a co-founder. Anyway, it seemed like a noble enough cause. I had never been a fan of public speaking, but that was just another part of my life now. Fortunately I’d given enough keynote speeches that I could just recycle whichever one felt most appropriate for the occasion. It was a black-tie event, so I was wearing a gown – another thing I’m not a fan of that had become a routine part of my life. I had even more gowns to choose from than keynote speeches.
“Cassie, we’re so thrilled you could make it!” Jean gave me a tentative hug. “I can’t believe how mature you look. I haven’t seen you since…well it’s been a long time”
It was over two years ago, when we received the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Jake, of course, disappeared as soon as possible after the ceremony was over, but Jean sought me out. Like Marco and Erek, she seemed to think that I had some magical ability to save Jake. After all, I’d spent my life learning to treat animals who didn’t understand or want my help. But Jake’s injuries weren’t the kind you could fix without consent. In some perverse way, he thought he deserved to suffer, and nothing I did could change that. Trying only made it hurt worse.
“It’s because of you we managed to meet our fundraising goal.” Jean’s voice was full of enthusiasm, but it didn’t mask the sadness in her eyes. “Ticket sales went through the roof as soon as we made the announcement.”
She gestured to a well-groomed man beside her. “This is Michael, he will be your right-hand man for the evening. Normally I would show you around, but unfortunately I just have too much to attend to.”
I felt my muscles loosen slightly. Jean was passing me off. I could have been offended, but I was mostly just relieved.
“I do appreciate you coming, Cassie.” And with that, she turned and walked away.
Michael was young, maybe mid-twenties. If it weren’t for the easy smile on his face, he could have been a bodyguard – tall and fit, with cropped hair and a strong jaw. He provided a helpful running commentary as he showed me around the venue and introduced me to people. Finally he took me to a back room where I could have some privacy to prepare before heading to my prominent guest-of-honor seat in the ballroom.
I didn’t really need time to prepare, since I’d already given this speech at least a dozen times. It felt awkward sitting there in silence, so I opted for small talk.
“So how did you end up involved with HCRG?” I asked Michael.
“Through Jean, actually. I was a friend of Tom’s, so I reached out to her after I was free. I struggled dealing with his death. A lot. But she’s really helped me, in so many ways. Jean and Steve are like family to me now.”
My muscles tensed. The last thing I needed right now was to hear about Jake’s family. Why hadn’t I asked Michael about the weather? I knew I should change the subject, but curiosity got the better of me.
“How did you know Tom?”
“Our Yeerks were on a similar feeding schedule, so we ended up in the same cage a lot of the time. We talked about stupid stuff mostly. We were both into basketball. But once he found out his own brother was an Animorph, it was like…it lit this fire in him. He wanted to talk about real stuff, as if we actually had a future outside of just being puppets for the rest of our lives. He’s the one who made me believe I could be my own person again. It still makes me sick that I’m here and he’s dead, all because of…” he cut himself off.
“...because of Jake,” I finished for him.
Michael smiled guiltily. “Sorry, I still get worked up about it sometimes. Jake and I are cool now, for the most part. He couldn’t stand me at first, thought I was trying to replace his brother or something. Finally we got into this big fight. He told me to leave his family alone. I told him we all wished he was dead instead of Tom.”
I gasped.
“I know,” he said, “I still feel like a jerk about it, but I’m glad I said it. More than anything, that’s what helped us move on, when he told me that he wished for the same thing.”
Jake would say something like that. His guilt over sending Rachel to kill Tom still consumed him.
“I was the last person Jake talked to before he left,” Michael continued. “He made me promise to take care of his parents, just in case he...you know…doesn’t come back.”
“He must have trusted you a lot.” I failed to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I knew it was stupid, but hearing about Jake confiding in someone else still made me burn with jealousy.
Michael frowned at me, “We all know he still loves you, Cassie, not that he'd ever do anything about it. As long as he didn’t talk to you too much, he could go on believing you were happier without him. I think it was easier that way.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that.
He chuckled, “Sorry, none of my business. I do that sometimes. You can hit me if you want to. Actually, it wouldn’t be the first time.” He pointed to a few thin white lines cutting through the flesh near his temple. They were so faint I hadn’t noticed them earlier.
If he was trying to distract me, it worked. “I did that?”
“You did! At least a wolf did. I always assumed it was you. It was at the train station where you loaded the explosives for the Yeerk pool. My Yeerk tried to shoot you, but I never had very good aim.”
I closed my eyes and remembered being on a train hurtling towards the underground Yeerk pool complex. Shawmut Street Station. I didn’t really remember what happened there. Not that I doubted Michael was there, that I attacked him. After a while the attacks all just blend together.
“I’m sorry,” I offered lamely.
“Why? I’m not. If you hadn’t knocked me out early, I would have been shot or mauled like the rest of the controllers on that train. By the time I woke up, my Yeerk was gone, but your people had all left. The station collapsed from the explosion, and the other hosts were all dead or dying. It took me days to find a way out of there. I had all these grand visions about going back to the Blade ship, trying to sabotage it, but by the time I was free…well, that wasn’t an option anymore.”
“Why the Blade ship?” I asked him.
“My Yeerk was a mechanic for the Blade ship. I was only on the train because they temporarily reassigned people to ramp up on infestations. Part of me wonders if the sub-visser did it on purpose, hoping I’d get killed. My Yeerk, Giltram 814, was brilliant, but everyone hated him. When he was off-duty, he’d go over mechanical reports just so he could show up and point out to people what they were doing wrong. I mean, who does something like that? Still, I learned a lot about that ship from him. I could have knocked the whole thing out from the inside with a couple well-placed blasts from a handheld Dracon.”
“Visser One’s best warship?" I said skeptically. "I have a hard time believing the Yeerks could leave that big a hole in their security.”
Michael shook his head. “Yeerks were obsessed with computer security, but not so much with physical vulnerabilities, at least not internal ones. Only a guy like Giltram would even know about them, let alone be able to exploit them. He didn’t talk about it much to other Yeerks – it’s the kind of thing that would get you labeled a traitor – but I was his captive audience.”
For the next few minutes, I asked him questions, and he answered every one without hesitation. Most of the answers included a mountain of technical jargon that I couldn’t understand, but he just seemed so…sure. How could he be so sure of something so impossible?
“So, have I passed the interrogation?” He smiled at me. “I’m actually surprised I remember most of this stuff, I haven’t really thought about it in years.”
“You never told Jake?”
Michael shrugged. “He never asked. He didn’t like talking about that kind of thing.”
For all the regrets Jake had about Rachel’s final mission, no one ever doubted that it had been necessary. But if Michael was right, a better solution had been there all along. With his known identity as a controller, it wouldn’t be hard to get him on the ship. We would have to wait until after Tom got us on the Pool ship for Michael to spring the trap, but that wouldn’t be a problem. Rachel wouldn’t even need to be on the Blade ship in the first place. Or if she was, at least she wouldn’t have to confront Tom and his deadly morph-capable crew. The Blade ship would be harmless, Rachel would be alive, and the rest of my friends wouldn’t be out on a suicide mission right now.
Marco always talked about plans like they were so straightforward, A to Z. I don’t usually think like that. My ‘plans’ are more of a vague mish-mash of observation and instinct. But this vision felt crystal clear. Clearer than anything I’ve ever experienced.
And none of it mattered, because it was too late.