Work Text:
It had been a long time since you felt like this. A certain pang of emptiness and disappointment. You didn’t really know where it came from. The day hadn’t been a particularly bad one, the same stresses and ins and outs as every other day this week. But midway home something snapped. The joy and interest in chatting with your friend on the drive home was gone. Someone called… your mom? She told you something. It didn’t really matter. Nothing really did. The rest of the drive was silent. There was no noise in your mind, no spiraling thoughts, no emotions. Just emptiness. Silence.
Seonghwa had watched your car pull into the alley and then park. “That’s weird,” he muttered to himself searching for his phone. “She usually texts or calls me when she’s coming over.” He spotted his phone on the desk, and ambled over to see if he had any missed communication from you, but there was none. He furrowed his brows in confusion then looked back at you through the window. Something wasn’t right. He quickly slid on some shoes and hurried out to your car. As he moved closer and waved you didn’t seem to react, which only served to make him more concerned.
It wasn’t until you heard a tap on the window of your car that you realized you had driven on autopilot to Seonghwa’s house and parked in the alleyway. The thought how long have I been here? passed through your mind, but before you could grasp it, there was another knock on your window. Someone was saying something.
Huh .
You didn’t move. Your eyes were fixated on the steering wheel. The world felt like cotton surrounding you. A dense, tactile fog, separating you from everything else. The voice was gone now. The all consuming emptiness and sensations of uselessness covered you like a shroud.
After tapping on the glass and calling your name a handful of times, Seonghwa turned back to his house in a sprint. Goddamnit! Seonghwa thought, How long has she been like this?! He immediately went to his bowl of spare keys and grabbed his copy for your car, then ran back outside. The fact you hadn’t moved was scaring him. You were usually so chipper, and even when you had a bad day, you were able to address it and talk with someone before you fell this far. He hadn’t seen you like this in years .
The world seemed to tilt on its axis, and then there were hands on your shoulders, straightening you back into an upright position. There was movement, the calming vibration of the car came to a halt beneath you, a body reaching across yours and unbuckling you. It felt like your tethers had been cut. Nothing left to keep you safe. You started to panic, your breath speeding faster and faster as the world shifted around you once again. There were hands on you and you were being carried somewhere. You were forced from the lax nothingness and now the terror was seeping through your body as every muscle tensed. A tingling sensation began to spread through you as your breaths became shallower and shallower and it felt like your chest was compressing in on itself. You wanted to scream, to run, to move, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t move, you couldn’t control your own body. Your muscles had constricted from your hyperventilating and there was nothing you could do.
Seonghwa cursed under his breath again. He watched as your entire being shifted from a depressive haze to a panic attack. Your brain clearly couldn’t process what was happening and the look of terror on your face broke his heart. He picked you up carefully, bridal style, and carried you into the house. On one hand he was thankful you at least weren’t fighting his carrying you in, but on the other hand he was also getting more and more worried as you started to shake in his arms and rock your head back and forth.
He set you down carefully on his couch and quickly grabbed some blankets. He sat down next to you and spoke softly, but clearly. “Honey, it’s okay. I’m here. It’s me– it’s Seonghwa… and I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to put a blanket on you to warm you up.”
There was a mellow sound and then something around you now, it was only in that moment you became aware of how deeply cold you were. Like your body was coated in a layer of ice, unable to move other than the subtle rocking of your head and the short gasps struggling to escape your mouth. Your face felt like it had puffed up, eyelids unable to move from their half-closed position, eyes shaking. There was a slow movement as a solid weight shifted you against it then held you firmly. The grip never wavered in its hold while the soft noise continued beside you.
“I’ve got you darling,” Seonghwa said quietly, more for himself than for you. He knew that you probably couldn’t understand him, but also knew that you had always found constant sound soothing. “I love you babe, I’m right here.” He wrapped his arm around you tighter and pulled your head to his chest as he started singing softly.
If you think you're trapped
You're in that box you built yourself
I'll help you break it
And I'm gon' catch you when you fall
or when you're sinking…
It took a long time before your breath evened out and sounds started filtering in your ears and becoming distinguishable as words.
Leave your cold hands to me
I'll never let go of that hand
Don't worry dеar
Now you can rest
In my arms
Your hands and extremities remained locked to your body, but you shifted your head up slightly to gaze up at Seonghwa, who gave a deep sigh of relief and kissed your forehead.
“There you are.”
You nodded softly then relaxed your head back against his chest as he continued to sing to you, one of his arms still holding you tight while the other moved in slow circles on your back. Eventually the circulation returned to your extremities enough for you to move more, your arms falling loose to your sides and your legs stretching out. It was only when Seonghwa saw you begin to wiggle your fingers that he stopped his singing again.
“Are you okay, darling?”
You shifted slightly in his arms and crawled over him so you were facing him, straddling his legs, your face rested in the crook of his neck and wrapping your arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” you muttered against his skin.
“Shhhh. It’s okay.” He readjusted his arms so one crossed your back while the other held the back of your head comfortingly. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad you came to me.”
Your breath hitched and you felt a tear roll down your cheek.
“Babe, please don’t cry,” Seonghwa said softly. “The last thing you want is to start crying and have your body tense up like that again. Breathe with me, jagi. It’s okay.” He loosened his grip on you just slightly so you’d have more freedom to move and breathe before he started square breathing with you. By the third round you were completely lax against him, all energy drained from your body.
“I don’t really know what brought it on,” you murmured, “I left work and was driving and the next thing I know everything was fuzzy and I couldn’t control my body.” You felt yourself tense against him and then he took a slow deep breath that you mimicked, which helped keep the overwhelming emotions at bay. You nuzzled closer to his neck and took a deep breath, for the first time becoming aware of the long-faded cologne he sometimes wore. “And then you were holding me and singing.”
You shifted back so you could look at him. The concern and tenderness with which he looked at you, the faint trail a tear had taken as it rolled down his cheek, the small smile that played on his lips as you finally met his eyes. The worry that you were a burden, or too much to handle, faded before it could form.
“Thank you, Seonghwa.”
“I’ll always be here for you, angel,” e whispered, then leaned forward to kiss you on the cheek, then forehead, before he met your lips with his own. His kisses were slow, delicate, and tender.
There was absolutely no rush, as you lay there in his arms, safe and secure, sharing the same breath.