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He just felt sick.
He couldn't help it, he had to keep reminding himself to stop thinking like that. Then the primal part of his brain would turn back on and spew nonsense. He’s told Touya and the nurses at the hospital he just didn't feel good, but after getting home and refusing to have the smallest of interactions with their baby, Touya was catching on quick.
He wasn't upset that he couldn't love their own kid, he felt bad seeing Touya’s face sad or see it scrunch up in disappointment at Keigo.
Three weeks in after their baby was born and he’s barely making bottles of formula and changing her diaper. He wants to ask the Commission to relieve him of his paternity leave, but he knows they'll say no due to how soon it is.
He wants to tell Touya to get rid of her and that they should try again, better yet he could handle it, that this was a bad batch. He just needs his mate by his side and they can work it out together. Maybe he should've waited till the next breeding cycle or done so sooner, the moment he held their daughter for the first time he just knew she was wrong.
Touya was on paternity leave with him to help transition the both of them into their lives as parents, and Keigo felt bad for all the effort his husband is putting into something so dumb. It wasn't going to work out because he knew she was a mistake.
She was wrong from the start, born premature yet by some god forsaken miracle “ healthy”, as the doctor stated. Inheriting Keigo’s eye markings, black talons and dark skin, while taking Touya’s white hair and blue eyes. Keigo should be able to look at their daughter the way Touya does, Keigo can feel how warm his husband gets and how he glows holding it.
Keigo had been neglecting his duties in taking care of her and had not bought any baby food for her, it was too late and cold that Touya had left quickly to the store to run the errand. Asking Keigo to give her a quick bath and he’d be back before he’d finished, Keigo didn't want to touch her but the last minute run left him with the task.
The moment he picked her up from her crib she started crying, she hated him and he hated her. His instincts immediately started screaming to shut her up, feeling his feathers stiffening. The barely coherent voice in the back of his head just kept saying, Touya will be right back, Touya will be right back, do this for Touya.
So he did.
Had the water running, put the baby bath tub in, put the baby in the tub, done.
She was calmer in the rising water than in Keigo’s arms, the water had reached her neck and the avian side of his brain said to let it rise, while the Touya side of his brain forced him to cooperate and he turned the water off.
Keigo’s thoughts had never seemed so loud in his life, he always had control of them. Even when Touya had accepted the predatory bird part of him and all his faults. Normal new parents are excited and loving with their new born babies, but right now all Keigo can feel is resentment and annoyance.
She’s going to take up so much of Touya and his time, energy and space. Looking down at her staring up at him, he bites the inside of his cheek, picking at his talons. He feels like his mother staring blankly at him as a kid, barely acknowledging his existence. Like his dad who had so much hate in him he took it out on anyone he could, blaming him for anything and everything wrong.
Hearing her babble and seeing her splash the water he thinks to himself. Baby drownings are common with exhausted new parents, both sides of his brain finally agree on something since she came into their lives.
“Keigo, what are you doing?!” Touya’s panicked voice snaps at him, the avian feels himself get pushed to the ground as Touya goes to the tub. Grabbing a crying baby from the rising rub, he grabs a towel to wrap her in. “The waters fucking freezing and on- what were you doing!?”
Keigo feels guilt weigh in on his chest seeing Touya’s hurt face look at him. He doesn't bother saying anything as he looks up at him from the ground with a blank face. Touya’s face twists with a mix something Keigo hadn't seen from him before, as he adjusts his hold on her tightening.
Mortification.
Sadness.
Realization.
“You hate her don't you.”
It’s not even a question, it's a statement. Touya just wants Keigo to verbalize his loathing for their daughter.
“I thought you just needed time and it would- click. The doctor said it was normal for some parents. What's wrong with you?!” Touya sounds hurt, and it makes Keigo frown, feeling his wings falter at the pain in his mate's voice. He never wanted to hurt him, never him . “You kept saying you were ready and you've been wanting one so why -?!”
“I’m sorry.” It was true Keigo had always thought of having kids with Touya since they started dating. He would imagine what they’d look like, what their quirk would be, who their favorite dad would be. Seeing Natsuo and his wife having a kid made Keigo realize he was ready, but he was wrong. “I hate her.”
The time of her birth was wrong, maybe even her conception, whatever it was she was a mistake. He feels bad for how dedicated Touya had taken the role of parent, he didn't have to.
“We shouldn't have had her.” His instincts were screaming to kick her out of their nest, hand her off to someone else, leave her on someone's doorstep or the side of the road, he doesn't care. “We can try again.”
Keigo wants to hold his husbands hand, comfort him as he looks at Keigo shocked. His mates hands however are holding onto a burden, holding it to his chest like if he loosened his grip Keigo would do something horrible. “You don't have to do anything.” He softens his voice to ease whatever thoughts might be running through spouses head.
He’s never had awful thoughts of harming anyone or anything, but he knows he can snap a weak neck that can't even hold up its own head in half.
He’s always joked that Touya was clairvoyant, straightening of his shoulders and step back he takes confirms his theory once again.
“You're fucking sick Keigo.” He knew this would happen, since her birth that she would ruin everything.
“No-.” Touya doesn't bother listening to his reason, marching out of the bathroom rushing to the living to grab the baby bag Keigo had tossed aside.
“Tou- this is for us .'' Panic surges through Keigo seeing his husband walk away from him. They've never gotten into any kind of fight where one had walked out on the other, his mate was leaving him. Touya may be moving fast but Keigo has always been the quickest, reaching out to touch him he feels heat radiate off him.
“Let me handle it.”
“Get the fuck away from me.” He’d never heard Touya use that tone with him, reserving it for his father and when he would express his thoughts and past with Keigo about him.
“You've never talked to me like this before.”
“You’ve never given me a fucking reason until now.” Hearing Touya’s car keys jingle, sound off an alarm in his head, with both sides of his brain screaming at him to stop him. He’s ready to fly at the door where his mate quickly puts his shoes on, before Touya hand drips the door. “If you follow me or do anything to Kiri, I'll kill you.”
Keigo flinches at Touya slamming the door at him, hearing his car back out and fade out into the distance.
Right, it’s name was Kiri.