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Kit is used to being second.
From her very first moments, she was already behind. The second twin, the younger sister. Then as she grew, seemingly set up to assume the throne while truly knowing it belonged to the illustrious Elora Danan. Airk began training with General Kase when they were eight. She didn’t honestly spar until she was eleven, and even after a decade of true passion and practice, it was regarded as a mere hobby by her mother. Not to mention everything she thought she knew (about herself? About her upbringing? Maybe both.) was based on a lie.
Although it was never explicitly said, Kit always felt like Elora meant more to her parents than she did. She brought them together. They vowed to protect her. Kit never knew for sure, but she imagined Elora was their introduction to parenthood. As the layers of the quest peeled back and more of her unknowns were revealed to her, her suspicions (that she never hoped to be true) had her doubting everyone and everything. Her father may not have left with Elora when he abandoned her (them, she forces herself to remember), but Allagash now confirmed he always had her safety at the forefront of his mind. Nothing mattered more than her. And Kit hated it. Knowing her mother kept Elora so close, knowing exactly who she was with no intention of ever revealing her to the world, was beginning to make Kit resent her. Elora was supposed to be the true Empress and one day save Kit from her duty (nightmare) of uniting the kingdoms and ruling the realm. That was never going to happen in her mother’s perfect world, which was a world Kit would rather die than live in.
Even though she was raised to be second, she hated it.
(Nothing’s more important than her. Nothing matters more than her. Elora Danan.)
Kit’s feet felt positively glued to the ground, but she was willed forward ever so slightly. The group was gaining ground, ready to get out of the prison and onto safe land. The orange, poisonous liquid below, only separated by a crystallized surface and an ever-growing earthquake, urged them on. But not Kit.
She doesn’t even remember yelling at Elora. She doesn’t remember what Elora says back. She barely registers Boorman’s fed up calls or Willow scolding them to do this elsewhere. Jade, Jade, yelled for her, but even she wasn’t enough to pull Kit from her swirling thoughts.
She barely remembers the fall. She tries not to remember the fear. Seeing the hole in the surface close and feeling the poison weigh her down. She hates feeling weak. This was how she was going to die.
At least maybe then she’d matter.
—
Jade holds herself back. She never lets herself want, and thus hesitates in almost anything she does for her own benefit. Maybe it’s the soldier in her. That’s what she resorts to if she ever dwells, but underneath she fears it’s something deeper.
And Jade’s been scared plenty of times.
While faint, her only memories before Tir Asleen were filled with the fear of being pulled from her mother’s grasp and knowing her death swiftly followed. Growing up, she was scared she would never amount to the person she trained so hard to be. She was scared when Scorpia had her pinned, won, ready to kill her.
None of that compared to the utter terror she felt now.
Before her brain even registered Kit falling into the poison, her legs rushed her, faster than she’s ever moved, to the fast-closing hole. Desperately hammering at the surface with her (Ballantine’s) sword, she finally felt the emotions bubble up. The next moments happened somehow in a blur yet painfully slow. Each millisecond Kit was in the liquid and not in her arms felt like years. She hates feeling scared but hates feeling useless even more. Both consumed her as she watched the blurry figure sink deeper and further. She pleads, with Elora, with Willow, and with Kit, desperately needing this to end.
When Kit breached the surface, she feels her heart start again before the worry flooded her body once more. Sprinting over to her princess, she only had one goal — hold her and never let go again. Kit was her duty, her purpose. Her reason to fight.
Hearing her waterlogged lungs expel the poison was the most beautiful sound Jade ever heard. She shoved her arms under the princess’s arms and pulled her against her chest. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. You’re alive, you’re safe.” She wasn’t sure if Kit could even hear her or if she was fully conscious right now anyway, but she needed her to know. She could’ve stayed here for hours, holding tight and making sure she wouldn’t slip away again, but circumstances permitted (as they seem to always on this quest, she realized, forcing them apart). As gently but swiftly as she could, she hauled the smaller girl up and over Boorman’s shoulder, half wanting to hold her herself but knowing it was quicker this way. She grabbed Madmartigan’s (Kit’s) sword and followed the group across the lake, wanting nothing more than to be away from this place and this moment.
Once they gained enough ground between them and the prison to feel safe, they stopped. Kit hadn’t stirred and Jade needed to be positive that she was okay. Boorman bent, gently laying her on her side while Jade crouched next to her. Two fingers pressed into the pale girl’s neck and the faint pulse drenched Jade in relief. She lowered her ear to Kit’s mouth, hearing her labored breathing.
“She still has liquid in her lungs,” Jade informed, to no one in particular. She looked up at Elora and Willow. “Is there anything you can do, anything you can give her?”
Elora looked to her mentor, hoping he could take the lead on this one.
“What about what you did to me?” Graydon suggests. “When I was infected?”
Elora looked back to Willow once more. “Would that work?”
The sorcerer looked unsure as he responded, “It’s worth a shot.”
Elora nodded as she, too, crouched by the princess. Jade wrapped her arms around Kit’s stomach and pulled her up and against her own body, giving Elora access to do what she needed to do. Kit’s head lolled against Jade’s shoulder and the knight’s breath hitched at the feeling. Kit was always smaller than her, but she had never felt quite like this. Limp. (Lifeless). No.
Elora leaned over the younger girl, focusing on her magic that was now saving her twice. Jade could’ve cried at the sight of the orange liquid slowly being removed from Kit’s mouth. It wasn’t much, but Jade immediately felt the princess breathe easier against her chest. She buried her nose against Kit’s shoulder, not able to hold back her cry. Elora grasped Jade’s shoulder, urging her to look up at her.
Jade sniffed.
“We should probably get her cleaned off,” Elora says, gently squeezing the knight’s shoulder.
Jade looks up at the sky. It’s night. When that happened, she could not be sure.
“I’m going to find a place for us to get water and to rinse her,” Elora continues, standing up. She turns to the others, continuing the orders. “Can you boys set up camp for the night? Maybe find us something to eat? I think we all need rest.”
Jade isn’t sure how much time has passed. The boys mill about, giving her space. It can’t have been much time before Elora returns to her side. “There’s a river not too far from here.” She hands Jade a canteen. “Drink first, you’re dehydrated for sure.”
Boorman approaches the girls, hands full of firewood. “How do you want to do this, do you need my help?”
“No,” Jade finally speaks. She tightens her arms around Kit. “I can do it.”
Boorman nods and continues helping Graydon and Willow make camp. Elora stands. “I’ll come with you.”
Jade takes a breath and allows duty to take over. She rearranges Kit in her arms, one arm cradling her back and the other supporting her legs, and stands with the girl’s head tucked against her chest. She forces herself not to worry that Kit hasn’t woken yet and looks to Elora to lead the way.
The river isn’t far but, while carrying the princess has never been particularly difficult for Jade, the weight of the poison and the day hung heavily over them. Jade walked straight into the water, unfazed by the sharp chill of the water against her body and focusing on her task.
She was certain it wasn’t healthy, the way she copes. She did it with her mom, even at age four, she did it with Ballantine, and she could feel herself doing it again. Holding back her emotions and relying on duty to force the feelings down (but never out). Hesitating. One day, she fears it’s all going to overcome her. And she doesn’t know if it’ll ever stop once it starts.
Jade’s arms are granted relief as the water aids in supporting Kit. Her hands rest under the younger girl, keeping her afloat, but letting her lay. Jade gently uses one hand to guide the water over Kit, paying special attention to the exposed skin and making sure the poison washes away down the river. She watches Kit’s chest, the small, yet long breaths not easing Jade’s worry.
“Wake up,” she whispers, feeling tears burn against her eyes. “Please.”
She watches the water lap against Kit’s body and her breath freezes. Seeing her limbs float against the river is too much like seeing her body drifting away from her, lifelessly, under the crystal ground. Jade chokes on a sob. She hangs her head and pulls the princess a little tighter, finally letting her tears escape, feeling some relief in her stinging eyes. She cries, holding Kit up and into her chest, wanting to feel her as close as she possibly could.
Once more, she feels Elora’s familiar hand on her shoulder. Jade looked at the young sorcerer, and Elora wrapped her arms around her shoulders. Jade let her head fall against Elora, her body racking with quiet sobs. Elora soothes her, bringing her back. “I’m scared, too. That was one of the scariest moments of my life,” she admits, rubbing the knight’s back. “But she’s okay.”
Jade pulls away, locking eyes with her. So much wisdom she’d acquired in such short time from their first meeting. Jade nods, her lips still quivering against her will. She lets out a long breath that breaks into stuttered laughter, looking down at Kit. “She’s going to be the death of me,” Jade chokes out.
“Love makes us feel worse than anything sometimes,” Elora says. Jade looks back to her. They smile, laughing together, even though nothing seems entirely funny. Elora’s hand finds Jade’s shoulder once more, and Jade wonders if this is how she shows affection. “Let’s get her back to camp, get her warm.”
Jade nods, looking down at Kit once more. The young girl looks the most relaxed Jade has seen her since they left Tir Asleen. Maybe even before. It would’ve come as a relief, seeing her forehead unscrunched and mouth softly agape. Jade knew all too well what this journey was doing to Kit, forcing her to grow too fast and too intensely. Jade finds it hard not to blame herself for not preparing the princess better. Though not fair to bear that weight, she is utterly encompassed by guilt. Kit should be awake. She shouldn’t have drowned. She shouldn’t have been taken by the trolls. When Queen Sorsha left Jade responsible, she never thought she’d fail so extremely. Kit, Ballantine, Kase, Silas, Allagash. Jade felt her brain start to spiral and, once more, pushed emotion away.
“Why do you do that?” Elora asked as she moved to Kit’s other side. She pulled the younger girl’s arm across her shoulder and Jade mirrored her. Together, they half-dragged half-carried her out of the water.
“What do you mean?” Jade didn’t look at her. On solid ground, she hiked the princess up higher, one hand securing her arm and the other around her waist.
Elora did the same. “It’s like you break for a moment. And you stop yourself from feeling. I don’t think I’ve seen you— emote this entire time. Other than with the Bone Reavers and, you know, general fear for our lives.” Jade let out a dry chuckle. “Or of course, the way you look at her.”
Jade finally glanced at Elora. “I’m a knight. My duty is to serve and protect.”
“Hm.” Elora didn’t look convinced. “Well, now you’re Bone Reaver royalty, so does that change your duty?”
“I don’t know.”
Thankfully, Elora dropped the conversation, not wanting to torture the soldier into sharing her feelings unless she wanted to. They walked the short way back to camp, sighing with relief at the sight of a fire, some sort of animal roasting, and their bedrolls laid out.
The girls maneuvered Kit to her bedroll, laying her on her side. Jade sat at the head of the cot, situating Kit’s head on her lap. Graydon brought her what appeared to be a piece of deer. She smiled.
The last thing she remembered eating was the truth plum. The tender meat almost made her want to cry, once again so relieved that they escaped that awful prison.
The group sat in silence, no one knowing what to say or how to say it. It was Graydon who coughed awkwardly to break the silence. “How is she?”
Jade looked to Elora, then down at Kit. “She’s going to be okay.” Jade brushed Kit’s still wet hair from her eyes, hoping they might blink up at her.
“She needs rest after what she endured,” Willow chimed in. “Emotionally and physically. It wasn’t a great experience for anyone, but I fear she took the brunt of it.”
Jade laughed. “Of course she did.” Somehow always in harm’s way.
As the night continued on, the group slowly drifted off to sleep. Jade was able to lean on a tree while still having Kit’s head across her lap, gently stroking her hair as she fought sleep. She didn’t want to let her out of her sight for even a moment. But her body betrayed her and as she began to drift away, she felt Kit shift and heard the most beautiful sigh escape her mouth. Instantly awake, she sat up, looking down at her princess.
Kit’s breath picked up and her brow furrowed. Shifting ever so slightly, she finally opened her eyes. Disoriented, she blinked a few times, taking in the new atmosphere. She turned to see her knight smiling down at her. “Jade,” she mumbled, her voice hoarse and strained.
“Welcome back, your Highness,” she whispered, cupping her cheek.
Kit closed her eyes, leaning into her touch. She coughed, clearing her dry throat. “What happened?”
“You don’t remember?” She shook her head slowly. “You fell into the lake at Skellin. Or the poison, or— whatever it was.”
Kit sighed. She started to sit up, groaning at the movement on her weak joints. Jade laid a hand on her back, helping her upright. Once she found her balance, she glanced at Jade. “That’s so embarrassing.”
Jade laughed, pulling her into her chest. She felt the girl relax into her and smiled. She loved seeing, feeling Kit react to her touch. “Not at all, princess. Just scary as hell.”
Kit laughed softly. “What can I say, I like to keep you on your toes.” She pulled away, staring into Jade’s eyes. “Don’t tell me you were worried about me.”
“Oh never,” Jade smirked. “I know you can handle yourself.”
“Good.”
Jade sighed, eyes darting from Kit’s wide, blue eyes to her still too pale lips. She brought a hand up, brushing a finger against Kit’s cheek, feeling her shiver. Moving her hand from her cheek to her neck, she delicately pulled the girl toward her, ever so slightly brushing her lips against Kit’s. Kit moaned quietly, melting into the kiss. It was short, too short for her liking, but everything she needed. Jade pulled away, placing a tender kiss to the other girl’s forehead. She rested her chin atop her head, wrapping her arms around the smaller girl’s shoulders. “Kit Tanthalos, will you stop giving me heart attacks?”
She felt her laugh against her chest. “Trust me, I will try.” They pulled away once more. Jade needed to see her awake to make sure she was real. “I do feel like shit.” The princess admitted.
“I’m sure you do.” Kit’s smile faded and her gaze dropped. In almost an instant, she broke into tears. As quickly as it had left, Jade’s concern returned. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”
“I think I saw Airk,” she whispered through her cries. “I remember being in the water. Or whatever the fuck it was, it was so thick. But he was there. Reaching to me. And I almost touched him.”
“My love, who knows what that poison does? It could be another one of The Crone’s tricks, trying to mess with your head.”
“It wasn’t, I know it.” … “I was scared.”
“I know.”
“I’m so tired.”
“I know. ”… “I’m sure we still have a few hours until daybreak. And you need more rest.”
“But what if he’s out of time?” Kit looked up at her, her wet eyes glistening in the moonlight.
Jade wiped a stray tear. “He isn’t. I’m sure of it. But you’re no good to him in your current state.” Kit sniffled. Her eyes were beginning to grow heavy and she felt herself losing energy by the second. “Let’s get you to bed.”
Jade helped Kit lay back down on her bedroll, pulling up the blanket to her chin. She smoothed the blanket down over her body, feeling a drastic difference in temperature from her earlier, icy condition. She closed her eyes tightly, trying not to cry for the third (fourth? fifth?) time today. Jade started to move to her bedroll when she felt Kit grab her wrist.
“Will you stay with me?”
(Forever.) … “Of course, your Highness.”