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It’s that time of the year. The day where love blossoms and every pair of eyes turn into hearts. Where everyone can show off just how truly in love they really are.
If only Jeongguk had that same luxury.
Only from afar can his love be found. He can’t help but blame himself for falling in love with one of the members. Not just any member, but their dependable and beautiful leader, Kim Namjoon.
Admiration has always been his safety net. Ever since the group has formed, he’s used the name of inspiration as a disguise for his true feelings. Everyone brushes it off this way. No one hones in on the everlasting crush Jeongguk has been harvesting. Well, almost no one.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, lover boy!”
As he turns around, there is his best friend, Park Jimin. The only human on this entire planet who knows where his heart lies. The only human who truly understands the fire he holds for Namjoon. The only human who continuously teases the shy Jeongguk about this.
“You too hyung,” Jeongguk replies back as they exchange a quick hug, “You got any plans with Hyung?”
Jimin nods, “Taehyung and I are just thinking about staying in and watching movies. I might cook for him.”
“Be careful,” A smile creeps on Jeongguk’s face as he contains himself, “You might burn your apartment down.”
Laughter bursts between the two of them. Jimin whines as he gently slaps Jeongguk’s arm. A small pout forms on Jimin’s face as Jeongguk coos at him, reassuring him of the joke.
In all honesty, he does feel a tinge of envy for his best friend. When he and Taehyung got together, excitement bounced around them. Despite how obliviously obvious their feelings were, it took them too long to get to the point of finally getting together. As a year has passed since they first got together, their love has only grown stronger each day.
It’s sickening how sweet they, indeed, are. It’s even sicker how much Jeongguk wishes he could have this with Namjoon.
“Kookie,” Jimin begins, finally calmed from the giggle fit, “What are your plans for today?”
Jeongguk shrugs. Before he could respond, another person starts to walk closer to them. Almost right away, he can hear the small squeaks of sneakers dragging against the floor. The steps become closer. While he watches Jimin wave to a figure behind him, Jeongguk whispers a question.
“Is it… him?”
“Hi Namjoon hyung!” Jimin grins, turning Jeongguk around by the shoulders.
“Hi hyung,” Jeongguk shyly greets him.
Enamoured by the man that is Kim Namjoon, Jeongguk’s mind goes blank. He sees Namjoon’s mouth moving, words clearly coming out of his mouth, and yet all his eyes fixate on
all the little movements on his face. The way his dimples appear with his gentle grin. The way his nostrils slightly enlarge every now and then. Even the way his cheeks rise when his gaze rests on Jeongguk and Jimin.
“Happy valentines to you cuties,” Namjoon’s sights switch to Jeongguk, ruffling his hair as Jimin snickers, “I hope you guys don’t go too crazy.”
“Oh yeah movies with my boyfriend sounds like a party,” Jimin playfully slaps Namjoon’s hand.
“What about you, Kookie?” Namjoon asks.
Words cease from his mind. The entire world blurs out as Namjoon looks at Jeongguk. As if a light shining down straight from the heavens made his entire existence glow, Jeongguk trips over his answer. Nothing is making sense anymore, not that it mattered.
“Jeongguk-ie?” Namjoon places his hand on his shoulder, “Are you okay?”
Shit.
“Sorry, yeah, my brain just fogged up,” Jeongguk nervously chuckles as his face turns a soft pink hue, “I don’t have any plans. Do you?”
Namjoon shakes his head, “Just helping Seokjin hyung to plan Hobi’s birthday party. It’s supposed to be a surprise so don’t say anything, got it?”
‘ I love the way he orders us,’ Jeongguk thinks to himself.
Jeongguk and Jimin nod.
“Words guys.”
“Yes hyung, we promise!” Jeongguk answers back immediately.
“We promise!” Jimin parrots.
Namjoon exhales softly through his nose. Both Jimin and Jeongguk knew this was his sign of approval.
They knew how much Hoseok loved parties, surprises even more. It’ll be the last time in a while they’ll have the luxury of slowing down. Where for a night, they can pretend to be ordinary friends in their 20s. Despite the lack of acknowledgment, deep down they all knew just how badly they needed this.
Just as Namjoon was about to open his mouth, his phone rings. Right as he answers it, all Jeongguk can hear is Seokjin mildly freaking out. The nature of the freak out was hard to decipher. Still, it’s enough to warrant Namjoon’s comforting voice and the reassurance of his presence being soon.
“I have to go guys,” Namjoon shoves his phone back in his pocket, “I’ll catch up with you guys later.”
Right when Jeongguk was about to wish him off, Namjoon quickly leaves the area, running off into the other direction. With each step he takes, his heartbeat matches the tempo. The beauty in his existence is enough to make Jeongguk swoon. A delicate sigh escapes his chest as he leans against the wall.
“Why don’t you make it more obvious,” Jimin leans closer to Jeongguk, “I’m sure he won’t notice.”
Jeongguk’s face scrunches, “I am not obvious! I was cool and collected.”
“Kookie you had a mini heart attack just from him asking what your Valentine's Day plans were.”
Jeongguk doesn’t bother to argue back. Frankly, he can’t. He knows Jimin’s right, much to his annoyance. His crush has gotten out of control. At this point Jeongguk is at the place of no return.
“Jimin,” Jeongguk whines, “What do I do?”
“You could always tell him,” Jimin shrugs. After Jeongguk’s eyes widen like saucers, Jimin immediately backs down, “Or not.”
A moment of silence falls between them as Jeongguk attempts to think of a solution. Something, anything, that could save him and his heart.
At the end of the day, Namjoon is his leader. The man in charge and responsible for all of them. The cool, responsible, dependable man they all look up to. He’s always been the type to choose what’s logical, what’s best, what’s right.
What if that’s not Jeongguk?
Thoughts race in circles through Jeongguk’s mind. It became too hard to make them stop. Eventually, Jimin places his hand on Jeongguk’s shoulder as his eyes widen.
“I have an idea!” Jimin proclaims, “Write him a letter. You don’t have to send it to him. You can do whatever you want with it but at least this way, you confessed somewhere.”
Rapidly nodding, Jeongguk couldn’t have agreed more. The idea was nothing short of brilliance. It’s perfect. All he has to do is write down all his feelings into a small letter and hide it away forever. To keep his deepest confessions secured away in a small folded piece of paper forever.
“I’ll do it tonight!” Jeongguk smiles, “Jimin, you do have your smart moments, don’t you?”
Jimin pouts, “I’m always smart!”
“Sure hyung,” Jeongguk pinches Jimin’s cheek, “Sure you are.”
The two laugh off the moment. Already, Jeongguk’s mind finds a sense of ease. This letter will resolve all the tension building due to his feelings. Certainty sits on his shoulders comfortably.
— ♡ —
Jeongguk didn’t imagine it would be this hard.
Music plays through his ears as he stares down the blank paper. The soft yellow light from the lamp illuminates his desk. Gently, Jeongguk taps the end of his pen against his desk. Soft taps echo the room as he contemplates the letter.
Annoyance flutters around Jeongguk’s head. With a small groan, he leans back from his desk and throws his head back. He continues to stare at the dimly lit ceiling as he tries to express in so many words how his love for Namjoon is.
‘ I’ve written so many songs before without any issues but I can’t write a stupid letter.’
The lack of inspiration clouds him. Nothing is speaking to him. Nothing is enough to get the pen to touch the sheet in a meaningful way.
Suddenly, his phone vibrates. The buzzing rumbles against his desk. It’s loud enough to catch his attention. Once he sees the name on his screen, his eyes crinkle.
Namjoon Hyung!!!
Hey Jeongguk-ie,
hope you’re not too bored at home :^)
i’m working on this song. wanted to know
your opinion.
let me know how you like it?
[ Wild_Flower.mp3 ]
Warmth pools within Jeongguk’s chest as he reads the messages over and over again. His cheeks rise higher and high, eyes shrinking as flowers bloom where his lungs would be. The honour of being sent Namjoon’s song before it officially releases sits with Jeongguk.
After using a few seconds to calm himself down, one deep breath at a time, he presses play on the music file Namjoon sent him.
Right when the song starts, Jeongguk is blown away.
There’s a gentleness about the song. How it builds up to something magnificent immediately. How the beat of the song drops just at the perfect moment. There’s a melody in the way Namjoon is rapping. The lyrics feel deeply personal. Clear as day, Namjoon put his entire heart and soul into every second of its creation.
And right then, inspiration strikes Jeongguk.
Namjoon Hyung,
There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for so long. Something important enough that I can never face you about it. Before I get there, I just want to say you truly inspire me.
You are an artist deep within your bones. You make masterpieces with everything you touch. The music you compose, write, and produce are so raw and deep. It’s truly like looking into your soul. It makes me feel so happy, so special, so honoured to see you harvest this.
Outside of your art, your talent knows no bounds. You are beyond intelligence, considerate, and an incredible friend. All this wrapped with the beauty you behold. The entire existence of Kim Namjoon is nothing short of a gift.
You make it so easy to fall in love with you, hyung. To fall so effortlessly yet so hard. Being in love has never felt so uplifting, and that’s all because of you.
I love you, Kim Namjoon.
Your favourite maknae,
Jeon Jeongguk, your Kookie.
Jeongguk stares at the note. Already, he can tell how awkward it sounds. The inexperience is bleeding out on the paper. Still, it’s not something Namjoon would ever read. The only eyes that will lay on this letter is its creator. A gust of wind blows out of his mouth, hollowing out his chest. The weight of the universe is off his shoulders. Finally, it’s all said and done.
He folds the paper, writes Namjoon’s name on it, and slides it under his notebook next to another clunky folded paper.
Now with this out of the way, no longer consuming every fiber of his being, a wave of calm is gently reaching the shore. In this state, he could fly if he desired to. No longer will be turn into a bumbling fool in front of Kim Namjoon.
At last, the end of the night has arrived. The iridescent glow of the moon shining bright outside Jeongguk’s room. Grogginess slowly takes over Jeongguk’s body. With the last bit of energy he has left, he reaches over for his airpods and lies in bed. Folding his arms behind his head, crossing his legs as the music playing soothes the pressing thoughts in his mind.
What is done today can be tomorrow’s outcome. Tonight, he gives himself some time to recharge. Already, between the letter and his energies continuously going up and down like a rollercoaster, his body can feel how drained he truly is.
Before he falls asleep, he pulls out his phone and replies to Namjoon.
Jeongguk
Your song is amazing hyung.
expected nothing less from a genius like you.
Right as he sends his message, Namjoon replies with a large, red heart. Jeongguk giggles as he hugs the phone to his chest. A large, toothy grin carves into his face as he opens his eyes, staring back at the ceiling wondering how he got so lucky to know Kim Namjoon.
As time passes by, slipping deeper into the night, Jeongguk dozes off, giving himself to the night with nothing but his playlist and the moonlight keeping him company.
— ♡ —
The next morning rolls around. A subdued yellow glow peaks through the thin curtains. Glaring right in Jeongguk’s face, he squints to acquaint himself with more darkness. Despite the short lived fight he has for more sleep, his eyes gradually opens. He rubs his eyes until they focus. With his head still heavily laying on his pillow, he turns away from the pillow and stares at his phone lying on his bedside table.
His instinct is to grab it. To check if maybe, for some unknown reason, the man of his dreams decided to leave him another text message. Luck refuses to be on his side this morning as he’s met with a blank screen. All that’s shown is his phone screen of his beautiful baby Bam.
It’s okay. It will be anyways. There’s always hope that he will run into him.
While checking all his social media accounts, clearing one notification at a time, he receives a call from Taehyung.
“Hey hyung,” Jeongguk answers in a raspy voice, “What’s up?”
“Oh good you’re up,” Taehyung answers back, his voice much louder and more awake than Jeongguk’s, “I’m swinging by in 5 minutes. I need that little envelope I left at your place.”
The memory hits Jeongguk instantly. It’s an envelope of two tickets to a show Taehyung is taking Jimin to. He and Jeongguk had waited in line for almost an hour to get these tickets. It’s not everyday that a musical play is being put on at the Daehakro Broadway. On the day they bought the tickets, Taehyung had requested Jeongguk to keep the tickets with him. Both of them knew this was the better decision, considering just how much Jimin loves snooping, especially when he thinks Taehyung has something up his sleeve.
Time is flying by faster than Jeongguk had realized. It completely slipped his mind that the date of the show was this close. Quickly, Taehyung hangs up the phone when he repeats when he’s stopping by. As Jeongguk slowly begins to wake up, sitting himself up from the bed, he realizes exactly how far Taehyung was from his apartment. Before he can ask how far he is, a knock appears.
Without thinking about it, Jeongguk grabs the envelopes from his desk and walks to the door. Still shirtless, still in his pajama shorts, still barely awake, he opens the door.
“Here hyung,” Jeongguk mumbles, “Tickets. Have fun.”
Taehyung smiles, “Thanks, can’t stay long. I’m picking Jimin up from his place and I’m already late. You’re the best.”
Rather than replying with words, Jeongguk returns with a grunt and closes the door. The moment he turns around, he sighs. Today has officially begun. The day has now started and Jeongguk must carry on. Scratching the back of his head, he continues on to the bathroom.
Like he was on autopilot, he does his morning routine effortlessly. In his mind, he goes through all the different choices he has to spend his day. Truthfully, today feels different. Suddenly, he feels unstoppable. If he truly wanted to, he could tackle anything and speak to anyone.
As much as he hates to admit it, Jimin’s advice was truly a life saver. To finally have a place to pour all his boundless love gives him peace. At last, he has somewhere to fawn over Kim Namjoon. It’s perfect for him. Already, he thinks of writing another letter. Something with a little more romance, a little more poetry. With a smile on his face, he walks back to his bedroom. The temptation to re-read his first love letter tugs at him.
Once he reaches his desk, Jeongguk’s heart drops. His smile immediately wipes away from his face. Eyes widen as panic seeps into his skin.
Where is that letter?!
Jeongguk doesn’t bother thinking anything through. The only thing that matters is finding that letter. He flips through every book on his desk, checking in between all the cracks and crevices, fanning his hand under his desk. With each passing second, the panic in his chest becomes louder and louder. His breathing becomes shorter. Heart beating in his ears. Throat closing up.
The mere idea of losing that letter is enough to make Jeongguk curl into a ball. He can’t close that letter. That piece of paper was his only place of release, of solace.
In that moment, Jeongguk remembered a crucial detail; he placed the letter right next to Taehyung’s tickets. Instantly, he grabs his phone from his pocket and calls Taehyung. Just as he thought, straight to voicemail. He continues spamming his texts, overly stating the emergency in hearing back.
Thankfully, Taehyung calls him back.
“Kookie, what’s going on? Is everything okay?” Taehyung’s voice becomes frantic, concern oozing out of his words.
“Hyung,” Jeongguk begins, trying his hardest to keep his composure, “When I gave you the tickets, was there anything else I gave you with that envelope?”
“Oh you mean the one with Namjoon hyung’s name?”
Jeongguk’s world comes tumbling down. Immediately, all colour and energy drains from his body. His shoulders deflate as he emptily says “Yeah.”
“Don’t worry Kookie, I didn’t read it,”
Relief begins circulating his body.
“I gave it to Yoongi hyung when I ran into him. Don’t worry at all, buddy, he’ll give Namjoon hyung your letter! Now I gotta go, talk to you later!”
All the relief he felt for that split second washed away. Right when he hears the dial tone, his hand drops to the floor. Tears flood the edges of his eyes.
‘This cannot be happening. This has to be some awful dream. I’m still sleeping, right?’
Just to be sure, Jeongguk pinches his arm hard. After he hisses in pain, staring at the nail mark dug into his skin, he’s come to terms with reality. This happened. Taehyung really gave the notes to Yoongi. Hyung will really give the letter to Namjoon.
Oh my god, Namjoon.
Thinking of his reaction is enough to make his skin crawl. To hide in a hole forever, maybe even longer than that. Any way that Jeongguk imagines the response brings him to his knees. Whether it’s a bad reply, a gentle rejection, or somewhere in between, Jeongguk can’t bring himself to face that possibility.
Then all of a sudden, he thinks of a solution. Without a second thought, he immediately calls Yoongi.
“Hey Kookie, perfect timing. Tonight is Hoseok’s birthday—“
“Hyung,” Jeongguk interrupts, “I need to ask you something really important.”
“Okay,” Yoongi hesitates as he responds, “What is it?”
“Did you already give Namjoon hyung that letter Taehyung gave you?”
“Oh that,” Yoongi snickers, “I thought it was something more serious. I dropped it off at his studio. I think he’ll be there in an hour. Don’t worry, he’ll get it.”
One hour. Jeongguk stares at the time on the digital clock in his alarm clock. If he leaves right now, it’ll take him 50 minutes to take the train down to the office building. Though if he grabs a kakao taxi, he’ll be there sooner. Right away, his brain thinks of a million ways to get to the office. Every minute is precious. No time can be wasted.
“Thanks hyung. See you tonight.”
Jeongguk hangs up before Yoongi could respond. Rushing to the front door, he grabs a jacket and leaves. Each step is quicker, bigger, than the last. If he’s going to get there before Namjoon, he’ll have to put everything into getting there quicker.
It’s now or never. No matter what Jeongguk has to do, Namjoon cannot read that letter.
— ♡ —
Finally, 45 minutes later he’s finally reached the building. All that stands between him and retrieving that letter is one elevator ride. Patience does not stay with Jeongguk as he rapidly presses the up button. Almost his entire body is fidgeting, from pulling on his fingers to bouncing his leg.
Once the elevator arrives, there he is.
“Hyung,” Jeongguk breathes out.
“Hi Kookie,” Namjoon softly greets him.
As if he’s seen a ghost, Jeongguk’s face turns pale. His mouth slightly gapes open as he looks at Namjoon.
His hair slicked back. A leather jacket is draped on his broad shoulders as a band t-shirt is hidden underneath. This isn’t like him. Where are his usual beige cardigans and white shirts? It’s almost like he’s standing in front of an entirely new person. Jeongguk finds him catching his breath.
“You look good,” Jeongguk spits out, avoiding eye contact.
“You think so?” Namjoon asks. brushing his shoulders off as looks down on his outfit, “I was hoping for something better than that.”
Jeongguk tilts his head to the side, “Like what?”
Namjoon hums for a moment before placing his arm around Jeongguk’s shoulders, “Maybe something along the lines of me being the perfectly incredible, intelligent and considerate friend who you find beautiful?”
Jeongguk turns to stone. Those words are all too familiar to him. And that’s when the realization dawns on him; he was too late. Namjoon’s well aware of that letter by now. On top of it, he’s poking fun. This elevator suddenly feels smaller than before.
A baby pink hue paints Jeongguk’s face. Immediately, he covers his face with both of his hands. All he can do is repeat oh no over and over again.
Once more, Namjoon snickers quietly as he pulls Jeongguk in closer. Then out of the blue, the touch of Namjoon’s lips press against Jeongguk’s temple.
Frozen in place, Jeongguk moves his hands away from his eyes as he turns to Namjoon, eyes enlarging as he processes what is happening.
“Hyung, what are—“
“Jeongguk-ah,” Namjoon begins, whispering in his ear, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting to tell you how I felt?”
Still stuck in a daze, Jeongguk shakes his head.
Namjoon smirks, “You just beat me to it, y’know. I was going to tell you eventually.”
None of this feels real. Again, like deja vu, Jeongguk’s attempting to convince himself that this is a dream. That this moment is too beautiful to be real. That his long time crush returning his feelings can’t be happening. It’s all too perfect.
Right when Jeongguk goes to pinch his arm, Namjoon’s hand stops him.
“I’ll show you how real this is.”
Namjoon leans in closer and plants a gentle yet passionate kiss on top of Jeongguk’s lips. The kiss was everything Jeongguk had always imagined it would be. It was soft, warm, almost welcoming. Just like the movies, it’s picture perfect. He didn’t even want to let go, not ever.
When their lips part, they both pressed their foreheads against the other. As Jeongguk took in every breath Namjoon gave, he caressed his thumb against Jeongguk’s cheek.
“Thank god.” Jeongguk whispers.
“So,” Namjoon kisses Jeongguk’s nose, “Want to be my date to Hobi hyung’s birthday dinner?”
Fireworks explode in Jeongguk’s stomach. A garden of flowers blood where his chest was once carved out. He never wants the kisses to end. A million and some more would still not be enough. To think he’s lived an existence without the touch of Namjoon’s lips against his skin.
He’s always dreamed of how this moment would play out. The way Namjoon would ask him out and how cool, calm, and collected Jeongguk would act when he agrees.
But this gets thrown out the window when a tear streams down his face. Rapidly nodding his head, all Jeongguk does is giggle at the idea of being Namjoon’s date. The Kim Namjoon’s date.
“I thought you’d never ask,” Jeongguk answers in between his excitement.