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“Lu Guang,” his sobs were met with a blank stare. “Lu Guang. Lu Guang. Please, I just want to be loved.” Tears dripped off his chin, falling in wet patches on his friend’s t-shirt. “Lu Guang.”
Everything was blurry, out of focus through the hiccuping despair. But Cheng Xiaoshi knew, he just knew that Lu Guang didn’t smile. Didn’t bat an eye, didn’t react at all.
Another wrecked sob left his fists bunching the fabric of Lu Guang’s shirt. “Please.”
“Cheng Xiaoshi, you are loved. Just… Not like this.”
“Please, Lu Guang. Please, just once.”
He shook his head. “You know we can’t.”
“Why does my life always have to be played by your stupid rule book!?” It didn’t come out as ferocious as he wanted it to. It wrenched itself from his lungs between heaved breaths as his fingers trembled in their hold. Lu Guang stilled beneath him, still toppled over on the couch.
“It doesn’t,” he whispered back. “It doesn’t, it just isn’t smart.”
“I don’t care.” And oh, how he hated the way his voice came out so broken. “I don’t care. I want— I need—”
“Cheng Xiaoshi. Please, for the both of us.” He huffed a laugh, more tears spilling down. “Let’s get to bed.”
“Yeah, and we’ll pretend it’s all good, tomorrow. Like nothing happened. Because you don’t want this. Nobody ever wants this. I’m just— Let’s go to bed.” He unfurled his fingers from their fists, pushing past the ache from how tightly he’d been gripping, and wiped the back of his hand across his face.
“That’s not true.” Cheng Xiaoshi slid his leg off of him, staggering back toward the table. “You know that’s not true.”
“Of course not. That’s why my parents are still here. That’s why I have so many friends. Why I live here, in a photo shop, why—”
“Stop.”
He scoffed, feeling the uncomfortable tightness of phlegm in his throat.
“I…”
“Save the excuses. I don’t want to hear it.” Cheng Xiaoshi wiped at his eyes one last time before heading to the doorway.
“Sorry.”
“I said save it.” He turned to glare over his shoulder, painfully aware of the puffiness to his cheeks and how torn up he sounded.
“I’m sorry.”
Another scoff. His eyes burned, his heart hurt. But he should’ve known better than to request this from Lu Guang.
He shut the door to their bedroom and fell into bed.