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“Lu Guang,” his sobs were met with a blank stare. “Lu Guang. Lu Guang. Please, I just want to be loved.” Tears dripped off his chin, falling in wet patches on his friend’s t-shirt. “Lu Guang.”
Everything was blurry, out of focus through the hiccuping despair. But Cheng Xiaoshi knew, he just knew that Lu Guang didn’t smile. Didn’t bat an eye, didn’t react at all.
Another wrecked sob left his fists bunching the fabric of Lu Guang’s shirt. “Please.”
“Cheng Xiaoshi, you are loved. Just… Not like this.”
“Please, Lu Guang. Please, just once.”
He shook his head. “You know we can’t.”
“Why does my life always have to be played by your stupid rule book!?” It didn’t come out as ferocious as he wanted it to. It wrenched itself from his lungs between heaved breaths as his fingers trembled in their hold. Lu Guang stilled beneath him, still toppled over on the couch.
“It doesn’t,” he whispered back. “It doesn’t, it just isn’t smart.”
“I don’t care.” And oh, how he hated the way his voice came out so broken. “I don’t care. I want— I need—”
“Cheng Xiaoshi. Please, for the both of us.” He huffed a laugh, more tears spilling down. “Let’s get to bed.”
“Yeah, and we’ll pretend it’s all good, tomorrow. Like nothing happened. Because you don’t want this. Nobody ever wants this. I’m just—” He was cut off by a sharp tug to his collar, bringing him chest to chest with Lu Guang.
He had a second’s breadth to register what was happening before Lu Guang was gently kissing him, hands finding his cheeks and brushing the tears away. He moved to kiss back, make it more violent, fuel it with his pain. Get what he came for: a bruising and tragic ending to a relationship he knew would never go his way.
Lu Guang pulled away, still brushing his thumbs along Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheekbones, holding him in place. His eyes were sincere and bottomless, searching and full of something Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t want to process. Lu Guang brushed their lips together again, gently.
“I love you,” he murmured.
Cheng Xiaoshi squeezed his eyes shut.
“I love you,” he repeated, kissing him again.
Cheng Xiaoshi shook his head.
“Xiaoshi, I love you.”
“Stop.” His voice was a strangled croak against Lu Guang’s lips.
“Open your eyes.”
“No.”
Lu Guang sighed, carefully guiding Cheng Xiaoshi’s head to rest under his chin. “You are loved,” he whispered against his hair. “Qiao Ling loves you. I love you. Your parents love you.”
“My parents left.”
“They’ll be back.”
“We both know that isn’t true.”
“Xiaoshi…” Lu Guang sighed again, brushing his fingers through his partner’s hair. “I’m sorry that it’s like this.”
“Mmm, no,” he shook his head, “You’re right. We shouldn’t. It’s not… It would be too hard. Loving me is too hard.”
“No, Xiaoshi. Loving you isn’t hard at all. It’s too easy, that’s the problem. I can’t…” The room fell silent, quiet enough that Cheng Xiaoshi could hear the heartbeat beneath his head. “What we do can be dangerous. It will already be hard enough to lose you. I don’t want… I don’t want you to be in any more pain if something happens.”
“That’s not it.”
“Let me be selfish for once.”
“Being selfish would mean you kissed me more.”
It took a second, but Cheng Xiaoshi could feel the rumble of a silent laugh through Lu Guang’s chest. “You said just this once.”
He huffed. “Don’t spoil the mood.”
Another small laugh. “Okay, Xiaoshi,” he murmured, pressing soft kisses into his hair. “You are loved, you are loved, you are loved.” His warm hands cradled his head to his chest, rocking him slowly, soothingly.
“Thank you, Lu Guang,” he sighed, relaxing further into his grip.
“Get some rest, Cheng Xiaoshi.”
“Back to business as usual in the morning,” he mumbled back.
After a couple moments too long, Lu Guang whispered back. “Goodnight.”