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rui stirs from his slumber, the dream he lived in only moments before already melting from his memory. he barely recalls what his dream was about, but he does remember the hanging uneasiness he got when he woke up.
he stretches, realising his dreams have had that unfortunate pattern lately. in other matters, he also finds himself unusually awake.
it’s so dark, he can barely make out the tiny flags or the balloons on his ceiling. the light of his computer usually kept his room illuminated with a dim light every other night, and he was definitely not used to its sudden absence.
but, there was a reason for that. the faint steady breathing he could pick up in the background belonged to someone else. someone was sleeping on his floor, on a mattress rui dug up from his closet, someone dear to him.
tsukasa, on his mattress, with his eyes closed. rui hadn’t kept track of the time they had slept. from the poor lighting of his room, the moonlight outside still managed to land perfectly on all of tsukasa’s features, the light painting his freckles like constellations in the night sky. he looked ethereal, even with an oddly neutral expression.
“tsukasa-kun?”
tsukasa grunts. was he already asleep? rui inhales sharply.
“what do you think of me?”
“hm?” rui surprisingly doesn’t find any trace of sleepiness in tsukasa’s voice at all, as if he was never asleep in the first place. he answers swiftly with no hesitation. “i think you’re a wonderful friend, rui!”
“no, not in that sense,” rui holds his pillow tighter within his grasp.
“what do you feel about me?”
there is a pause. it feels longer than it should be.
“the simplest way i can put it is that, well, i love you.”
oh. he holds the pillow closer to him, the sleepy fog that held him from proper thought suddenly gone. he doesn’t want to go back to sleep just yet.
“..what about the complex way?”
tsukasa hums. “i don’t just love you for what you help me achieve. or what we can achieve together.”
there is more silence as tsukasa picks the right words to say.
“when you’re with me, i feel light, relaxed. i feel brighter and happier than usual. when i perform with you, i feel the assurance that everything you planned will go just right. i smile at the sound of your voice, especially when you call for my name.” there is a small break in between as tsukasa catches his breath. “that, is how i feel about you.”
tsukasa laughs a little, clearly embarrassed. as he looks up at the sky to avoid eye contact, rui takes a small peak downwards, noticing how the stars were reflected in his eyes.
he, was truly worth every thought his mind could offer, perhaps more.
“so, how do you feel about me?”
rui’s frozen, unable to articulate a response. his skin felt like it was ablaze. tsukasa liked him back. he liked him, him specifically, back.
not that he ever needed a reminder, he felt it in his heart every single day. a longing ache he had been carrying around, too afraid to say how he felt out loud. what they had was good enough for him, it worked. he would stay up all night, neglect his homework, if it meant that tsukasa could have a better stage to perform on. he’d give anything up for tsukasa if it meant he could see the bright, satisfied smile of his after.
tsukasa was one of his best friends, and there was no need to ruin all of that with his own selfish feelings. the gift of tsukasa’s friendship was something he was grateful for. however, it was getting harder to ignore the growing ache in his chest.
“..how i feel?” rui manages to croak out. he takes in a deep breath, unsure of whether to really tell tsukasa the truth.
he decides he should.
“i feel that, no matter how close we get, you will always be just out of my reach.”
tsukasa doesn’t react, neither does he make a noise to express his acknowledgment. rui knows this isn’t the answer tsukasa was expecting from him, and there is only dead silence. rui immediately hopes tsukasa has fallen asleep, in hopes that he didn’t hear.
tsukasa is not. he shifts, soft rustling of the blanket as he moves.
“..what do you mean by that?”
“i fear that one day, you’ll go places i can’t follow, and that you won’t come back. that i won’t be able to find you again,” rui’s voice was soft, eyes still locked on his fingers playing with the hem of his blue sweater.
suddenly, the distance between the two felt so wide.
tsukasa on a mattress, and rui on his bed, his back turned away from tsukasa. of course, rui knew that he couldn’t simply spend all his days idling away with him, but he found himself unable to accept the fact that they might go their own separate ways someday. he didn’t want to lose him, he didn’t want to lose any of his friends. he couldn’t.
he barely registers the warmth of the prickly tears that threatened to spill.
strangely, rui also hears more soft rustling, the movement of blankets being adjusted.
curious, he turns around to see tsukasa through teary eyes, standing over his bed, staring right at him. the tsukasa in his eyes currently, is quite blurry.
“i’m here now, aren’t i?” tsukasa whispers, not moving an inch from his position. his voice sounded gentle, soft, so welcoming.
“you are,” rui mumbles, not very much convinced.
he reaches out his hand to rui’s, where rui accepts silently, holding his smooth hand with two of his own. rui lets himself stare at the hand he was holding, trying his best to blink back tears.
“then as long as i’m here, i won’t be leaving you behind. neither do i have any intention to.”
when rui finally looks up, there was a sudden rush of pink and red on his cheeks as their eyes locked. the way he immediately lowered his eyes to his fumbling fingers amused tsukasa greatly.
that was when rui felt relief, and that was something he hadn’t felt for in so very long. while he’s still looking down, he feels the sudden weight of tsukasa getting onto his bed to pull him in his other arm.
he had always seen and loved this boy in the limelight of the stage, moving so energetically and with so much confidence that it would render the audience speechless. this was tsukasa, one truly worthy of a stage, in his bed, comforting his fears. the one side of his few got to see.
tsukasa was the world to him.
he melts into tsukasa’s embrace, still holding his hand with two of his own, firmly pressed against his chest. strangely enough, it wasn’t thumping away like it sometimes did, but at a relaxed pace, as if tsukasa’s presence alone was comforting enough to calm his very heartbeat.
the star he adores turns to him for the first time since his vision had gone back to being clear. tsukasa’s bright eyes shone with the light of the moon that barely spilled through the curtains, and his hair, as disheveled as it was from lying down, still fell into all the right spots effortlessly.
tsukasa faces down at rui, rui vaguely aware that they are still on his bed, but uncaring as tsukasa leans in closer towards him. all he longed for, for so long was happening, tsukasa looking at him with such a soft gaze, looking at him in such a way that it sets his cheeks ablaze and his chest tightening.
and tsukasa pulls him in, just like he’s always had.
the grasp that tsukasa now has on rui’s face felt gentle against his face, yet his whole body felt like it had been set on fire. all rui could feel, or think about, was how tsukasa held him closer, even though there was no longer any remaining distance between the both of them.
rui buries one of his hands in tsukasa’s soft hair, smiling as he hums into the kiss, his voice resonating in his chest and buzzing with a fervor. he reacts with slowly gained confidence, the very kind that grew steadily from tsukasa’s influence, and he leans into his touch too. his other arm wraps around his waist, doing his best to reciprocate the warmth tsukasa could express in a mere kiss. he yearns for this same warmth, and he offers it in handfuls, kissing away the chill of the evening breeze. rui barely remembers where he’s at.
when tsukasa moves to cup rui’s face in his hands, it is a reluctant separation for air. tsukasa’s eyes struggle to open, just as dazed as rui himself, yet still so captivating everything that makes rui want to kiss him senseless. but he decides that tsukasa needs air too, so he settles for resting his forehead against his shoulder. tsukasa’s gaze is filled with all the fondness that tsukasa feels for him, and rui knows he’s looking at him the all the same.
tsukasa was there, and tsukasa loved him.
from the corner of rui’s half-lidded eye, he sees tsukasa breaks into a grin, eyes crinkling at the corners and his nose scrunching up ever so slightly. he looked rather silly, face red and smiling like he was the luckiest man in the world, when it was obviously rui himself. rui feels the familiar burn on his face, so he buries his head further into tsukasa’s shoulder to hide it.
“i love you,” tsukasa declares with confidence. his marigold eyes sparkle, the boy in his bed beaming at him. it’s something as simple as a smile, but rui drops his gaze back to a stuffed animal on his bed, the warmth of tsukasa’s hand and the stronger warmth in his chest. rui’s hold on tsukasa gets tighter, without rui himself even noticing.
although tsukasa couldn’t see, rui supposes the fond smile he wore could easily give away how giddy he felt by all of this too. he silently wonders if tsukasa is still aware that their hands are still intertwined, or if he feels how warm his hand his, heating up rui’s previously cold hand.
they let themselves fall to that peaceful quiet as tsukasa runs his fingers through rui’s hair, humming him whatever soft tunes his mind conjured up for him.
it’s quiet, it’s content, and rui wouldn’t have any other way.
suddenly, tsukasa sits up, kisses his forehead, and rui feels the warmth from their hands that were still intertwined spread to his face, lingering even if he wasn’t able to see tsukasa perform such a delicate act.
“..are you asleep?” tsukasa whispers, his free hand still not leaving rui’s hair. rui doesn’t move an inch. seeing no reaction from him, tsukasa lets out a shaky sigh.
“i promise you, my director, i’m not going anywhere. no matter how much i grow as a star, i will never be somewhere too far away from you.”
there is a pause again, though it is not filled with the same heaviness as the start of their late night interaction.
“..i fear i won’t be able to smile as much without you either,” tsukasa confesses, adding a small giggle at the end of his sentence. “you’re just as precious to me.”
tsukasa gives the unmoving boy in his arms another kiss on his forehead.
“sweet dreams, rui.”
more silence.
quiet, content, silence between the two.
“i love you too, tsukasa-kun.”