Chapter Text
“… And that’s how you create an account on this website” The karate boy had finished explaining to him.
“Well… tha-ank you, I guess…” He thanked him. He wasn’t used to people doing things to help him without him manipulating them first or to genuinely be thankful to someone else, so the words came with difficulty from his beak.
“Aww, little Ludo is finally gonna have a friend!” Star was cheering at his side.
Ludo had always been… difficult, to say the least. But he was willing to break the awkwardness and misery that surrounded his life! He had already taken the first steps by getting away from the people who hurt him or his family. Speaking of, he also began amending things with his brothers and sisters and was slowly rebuilding the family that had been destroyed and corrupted by father and mother… But everything looked brighter, he couldn’t complain.
However, there was one thing on which he could be better at doing, and that was bonding outside of the castle, which served as his home. Sure, things were getting better with his siblings, his relationship with his younger brother Dennis was undeniably the strongest and most genuine one he had ever been in, but he was growing to become worried because of how stuck Ludo was inside the house. In more than one instance they discussed it, Dennis really wanted him to have someone else who could get him and take care of him, specially since his younger sibling had dreams and he hoped to get a life of his own instead of being stuck for the rest of his life watching over his mentally unstable brother.
And so began Ludo’s search for friendship. The first idea he tried was to apologize to his former minions. It didn’t end up well, that’s the only thing he told anyone about that day. Buff Frog had been a bit more comprehensive though, things turned out to be a bit better than what he expected, but still they agreed it would be better for both of them to not interact in at least a very long time, when all the Earthni mess that had began that same year had calmed down a little bit and when both of them were in a better situation. And that was all he had in mind to begin relationships, damnit.
The best thing that happened to him in all this friendship disaster was that Star and him had become friendlier, that was good at least. She was alongside his brother the one who was the most supportive of him making friends, that’s why he now found himself being helped by her and her boyfriend Marco to create an account on this weird social media. His family had always been a bit prehistorical when it came to technology, only father and mother were allowed to use the most advanced gadgets in the house, and since their riches became lesser with each new generation of eggs it wasn’t neither the worthiest things that they had to lose.
“Okay, now that you finally have registered let’s begin with all the other important stuff” The human boy told him. Star and the monster took a thousand attempts to create the account before the earth boy realized all they needed to do was to first create a mail for him, what a waste of time “First of all, your name”.
“Alright”
The kappa man looked at the keyboard. So many letters and digits, what would they mean? Being monster royalty hadn’t been a synonym of good quality education, sadly. Let’s try, he thought to himself and he began tapping the buttons, clicking the letters that he thought were part of his name.
“It’s done, I guess” He looked at them in hopes they would approve what he had just spelled. At least Star’s face didn’t seem convinced with his writing.
““Lewdo?” Really?” She was surprised, she imagined he would have more level.
“Hey, I remember you that you have lived on utopia for like, all of your life” He replied in annoyance.
“It wasn’t utopia!”
“At least your parents lo- I mean, at least you… you… you are a Butterfly!”
“I was”.
“Then… you-!”
“Guys, we’re not going anywhere fighting” Marco interrumpted their bickering “Just let me write this for you. What was your last name, Ludo?”
“Avarius” Slipping the family name through his tongue felt like licking a lemon who had been spiced with a grain of salt.
“Thank you. There it is. Birthday date?”
When was his birthday? Every year the date would change, he remembered that once he kicked his family from the castle and began his army he could even throw more than one of those celebrations, he used to be so greedy when it came to gifts and he still felt he was. What an unpleasant memory of his former self.
“Doesn’t matter” Was his answer.
“I’ll just say it’s private information. They do need your age however” Marco told him.
He began counting down. If he ignored his fake birthdays the only clue he had of his age was the teenage boys’ age. He remembered he was eleven when the princess of Mewni was born, and since she was now fifteen going on sixteen he was now so confused.
“Star, what’s eleven plus fifteen?” He asked her.
“I know, a thousand and a hundred fifteen! Or just eleven fifteen, if it’s to complicated”.
“No Star, eleven plus fifteen is twenty-six” Her boyfriend corrected her.
“I don’t know Marco, Mrs. Skullnick’s classes were always too boring for me” She said in her defense.
“Then put twenty-six” Ludo told them.
Both of the teens glanced at each other with surprise for a second, it was unexpected for them.
“Okay” The boy just put his age on the computer, even someone as stoic as the karate boy couldn’t hold their surprise.
Ludo could get their reaction though, as he felt in the exact same way. Twenty-six, twenty-six he had. God know what would a normal creature would do in twenty-six years. Maybe in that time someone already has accomplished their biggest wishes. Maybe they have written their mark in history like he did, but in a good way, like inventing something good instead of doing a conquest over a kingdom that wasn’t even theirs. Maybe they already have met their soulmate and they have a family, one that is happy and fully functional, one on where the kids won’t go crazy and wish their parents were dead. So many things someone could do in twenty-six years.
“We’re going to need photos” The human boy announced.
“I think Dennis keeps some family albums, I’ll ask him. De-!”
“No Ludo, I wanted to say we need digital photos. Photos we can upload on the web, you understand?” Marco clarified.
“I think…” He answered in confusion.
“Smile!” A flash of light was unexpectedly shoot at the monster. Star then looked at whatever she had captured, by her face it seemed she wasn’t happy with the result “I think we immediately need a shower, a makeover or something”.
“Star! How the heck did you unblock my phone?” Her boyfriend asked her.
“It’s a mystery Marco, it’s a mystery” She answered on a childish way.
“Janna told you, didn’t she?” He supposed with a stoic expression.
“Anyways, where was I? Oh right, photos” She continued as if nothing happened “Look, I don’t want to sound annoying, but if you want to have friends you can’t be looking like a creature taken right away from a horror movie”.
“But this is how I look, I can’t do anything to change it” He still didn’t get her point.
“Oh no no no no! Maybe that wasn’t the right phrasing. I mean that while your species is naturally like this and we can’t change that, maybe you could look more… appealing to people”. She tried to explain.
“So you want me to look more human?”
“No no! It’s just that… Uggh! Marco, how do you explain this type of things without sounding offensive?”
“What Star is trying to say is that the mewmans and human have different beauty standards than monsters and…” Her boyfriend backed her up.
“Yes yes, I know I’m short and that’s not normal” Ludo imagined what they were attempting to say.
“That’s true but… Uggh, this sounds so bad!” The boy was also suffering with whatever he had to say, he laid his head in the table and then covered it with his arms.
“I’ll say it directly, because if we don’t we’ll get stuck in here forever” Star took the courage “You’re ugly Ludo, that’s what happens. At least for humans and mewmans”.
“Excuse me? I’ve seen both of you look at me with some kind of adoration in your eyes, so I must be pretty!” He seemed offended by the comment.
“You’re cute, but not pretty, those are two different things” Marco told him.
"I'm not cute" He didn't buy his words.
Star seemed surprised for a moment and then she smiled, if she still had her cheek marks they would had transformed into lightbulbs.
“Maybe we can redeem your appearance with your cuteness!” She suggested “Come on, try making the cutest face you can think of!”
“Honey, could you please taking my phone away from me?’ The human boy was still annoyed.
“It will be better to discuss this once all of this is done, okay? Fine. Now come on, try looking cute" The girl pointed the camera at his face.
"But, how?" He asked.
"You know, just be yourself".
"But if I'm myself you say I'm doing things badly and that it's not attractive to people" His voice began becoming rusty from the confusion going on in his head.
"Welp, I don't know. Just smile, okay?" Star was getting stressed as well.
He had no other option nor idea on what to do, aside It was the easiest solution to the problem. He just smiled, hoping that he looked ‘cute’ enough for someone to look on him and give him the thumbs up.
"Aw, you cutiepie!" Star seemed to adore the photo, she showed it to Marco and he also approved. At least he had made two people he previously disliked feel happy with a photo of himself, that was a small step into making friends "I'm sending it to you Marco. But first you smile for another one"
"Oh well" The little monster said knowing that she wouldn't stop photographing him until she found the perfect photo on which he looked ‘cute’.
Was there anything worse than wasting your life on photos that you didn't find any true value? Yes, and that was two teenage boys drolling over your ‘cuteness’ and fighting over in which photo you are ‘cuter’. Damn, his teen years were the ones on which he first began obsessing over the wand, did he look as or even cringier than the two boys standing in front of him? He didn’t remember. At the end it took ten more minutes for them to decide where did he look better until he eventually got tired and yelled them to just put the first photo they took.
“Okay, done” Marco finally uploaded the photo to the forum.
“I still prefer the last one we did” Star complained.
“Hun, let’s not go back at this again. So, wouldn’t you mind giving a small description of yourself?” The boy’s question was towards him.
“Hmm, but like, how do you do it? What shall I mention?”.
“You can tell about your personality, your hobbies you know, things that might make people take an eye on you” The teenage boy told him.
“Alright, then I eat bugs, but I also have a giant spider in my house as a pet. I was formerly king of Mewni, but then I was possessed by this raptor god or something. Like, seriously, how was he capable to pull all that?” The kappa interrumpted his own description of himself.
The teenage couple looked between them with some kind of shame between them. What had he said now? At this point it seemed like anything that came out of his mouth was garbage by the way the boys reacted. Was that meant to be the reaction of the rest of society as well? Was he so buffonish as they made it look like with every expression they pulled? He had no idea, he had thought for so many years he was some kind of evil genius as a way to ignore the fact that he was a mo-.
“You don’t have to give so many details about your life either” Marco tried to sound kind “You have to give simple information. For example, do you have any favorite sport?”
“I loved playing basketball with Dennis when he was a chick” He remembered with a little smile “We still play it nowadays as well”.
“That’s it! You can say you love basketball!” The young boy was glad he had finally said something somehow appealing to normal people.
“Then yes, I love basketball” He confirmed the statement “And I also like… Um… I don’t know… maybe charades?”.
“It’s okay, it’s okay” Marco affirmed “Let’s try describing your personality. I’d say you’re a little bit…”
“…Loud”.
“Star!” Her boyfriend called her.
“What? It’s true” She defended herself “But you’re hard working if you want, that’s true”.
“Thank you” Ludo said in response, he was a bit embarrassed by the other word Star used to refer to him “I guess that last one is something good”
“Because it is! You pay attention to what they tell you at least, and that’s so much better compared to me” The girl admitted.
“Then, if you describe me in that way I think I’ll include it as well” The monster accepted the compliment “How do we put it into words?”
“Maybe obedient and hard working?” The karate boy suggested.
“Yes, maybe” He let him write it that way.
“Okay Ludo, I think we’re almost done. We just need you to accept all terms and services and everything will be over” The boy told him.
“Let’s better read them first” He offered, he didn’t want to make a mistake like the one his brother had done not so very long ago that almost cost them their entire castle.
“Are you sure? It’s a bit long from what I see” The Butterfly asked him.
“Star, last time you didn’t read terms and services we were almost murdered by a gift card in Quest Buy” Marco reminded her of some weird moment, just hearing the conclusion made the kappa think he had already heard enough of that story.
“Never mind you’re right” The girl nervously admitted as if she didn’t like admitting that any of that happened.
Half hour. Half hour wasted on reading a bible of information. The way it was written it was so weird, so formal. How could anyone understand any of that? Only a genius could understand the overall message with that weird formulation of words that made the page look like it was full of gibberish. Ludo was beginning to close his eyes from tiredness when Marco finalized reading the last paragraph of that huge wall of text.
“Do you understand? Ludo!” The human boy called him and then slightly shaked him after noticing he was about to snore.
“Um, could you do a summary?” The kappa monster asked him.
“Let’s see. Their gonna see some of your data and…”
“What’s data?” That was a new word for him, internet language had never arrived to him before.
“Data is personal information. Their gonna see your personal information” He explained, Ludo had the sensation the guy was beginning to feel tired of him.
“But why? What personal information?”
“Personal information could be the links you go to, the accounts you might have in other sites, your mails… They’re gonna keep track of all of that”.
“Why do they want all of that? What if one day I wanna see photos of corn? What will they do with that?” He still wondered.
“If you see pictures of corn they will probably use this to sell you advertisement of corn on this site. It’s mostly just to sell you things, although sometimes they might send you spam as well” Marco kept his lecture.
“But why would I want to buy things on a social site? What sense does it make? What does spam mean? It’s called social site for a reason, this is not a mark-!” Ludo began ranting on his own.
“You accept or not!?” Star interrumpted him, she had become desperate with all of his doubts.
“Don’t yell at me!” He responded back “I’m just trying to understand, okay? I’m not familiar with this kind of weird magical internet stuff and I’m trying to understand. I haven’t been like Mrs. Perfect Butterfly who’s been here a year or two already and knows how this works! Look, I’m still adapting to the cleaving thing and I don’t really know humans, or human culture in general, so stop making those weird faces whenever I ask something I don’t understand as much as you!”
“What weird faces?” Star asked.
“The ones you make when I open my mouth. And the weird comments as well ‘You don’t know how to write your name!’ ‘You’re ugly!’ ‘That information about you shouldn’t be known!’ ‘You’re loud!’ ‘Understand this thing, doesn’t matter if you don’t understand!’ Can you calm down, please!?” He kept complaining.
“But Ludo, we’re trying to help you!” Star tried to reassure him “Sorry if I offended you with the ugly and loud thing, and sorry for losing control, but we’re doing this so you can…”
“…Find your way in life, I know” He didn’t let her finish, how many times did father say something similar to this? “You two have spend the entire morning fighting between each other over ‘In which photo I’m cuter?’ and by the way insulting me by calling me loud and ugly!”
“I never meant to tell you you’re loud as an insult. I-I just thought it would be a funny remar-!”
“Guess what? It’s not! You don’t care for me, just say it straight into my face and stop lying!” He told her.
Father had told him several times he was loud and annoying, that he should shut up for once. And if he didn’t obey, father would always punish him. Mother said he was so cute it was laughable. She also said he wouldn’t stand a chance when he moved out of the house with that tiny little figure of his and those helpless little eyes that just screamed ‘devour me’ to any monster who had to survive by eating other monsters. How was any of those words funny or adorable? They were just punishments, reminders of the past. He should not take with him any of those adjectives father and mother threw at him.
Ludo breathed for some long seconds. Star and Marco didn’t have a word to say, at least they didn’t seem like they were going to throw another sack of garbage right through their mouths. He began feeling calmer, his muscles were becoming less tense and his heartbeat was slowing down, good. He then looked at the guys. He felt a bit more of sympathy towards them and their confused faces. He knew that inside their heads they were asking the same question he was asking himself inside his.
Did I cross the line? Have I treated them wrong? What have I done, they look bad, is it my fault?
“Sorry guys. I think I haven’t had breakfast today” He apologized while trying to look for an excuse for his behavior “I…I think I’ll get something to eat. I’ve heard that just before the cleaving someone opened a bakery not very far from here. W-Would you like some cake as well?”
“Oh no! Don’t worry Ludo, we did eat something some hours ago. Those pancakes were delicious by the way, Marco!” Star confessed to him, she also looked a bit nervous.
“Thanks sweetie, they’re actually a recipe from my mother’s side of the family. I’ve heard my grandma did them for my grandpa, and my mum also did some of them for my dad the day they moved together” Marco revealed to her.
“Aw, that’s so romantic!” The girl was sweetened by that information.
“Guys, I’m gonna eat something. And then we’ll return to this website thing” Ludo told them.
“Okay. I’ll try to act calmer once you’re back!” Star told him as he went to the door.
The kappa left the room in silence. None of the teens dared to make a comment in this situation, it was clear the monster needed to think of some things by himself.
“Star” Marco called her after a while
“Yes honey?” She replied
“How is he gonna pay the cake? I don’t think he’s bringing a wallet” He observed.
“I don’t know Marco, I don’t know” Was the only thing his girlfriend said.