Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first time Merlin met Arthur, Merlin was a budding art student in uni. Back when he was young and naive, when things were easy and Merlin didn't know any better.

It all started when his friend Gwen had invited him over to the flat she shared with her brother one weekend just to hang out. 

Merlin was happy to go, of course. He was very grateful to have Gwen as a friend. Having skipped a grade during grade school, he was a year younger than everyone else and sometimes had a hard time making new friends. Dear, sweet Gwen had developed a soft spot for Merlin and adopted him like a lost puppy.

When Merlin followed Gwen through the front door, rambunctious peals of laughter could be heard coming from within.

“Elyan must have invited his friends over too,” Gwen said, shooting Merlin a look of apology.

“It’s alright,” Merlin shrugged, unbothered.

The narrow entryway was surrounded by doors on each wall. Gwen led Merlin left, to the doorway that opened up to reveal the living room that was more spacious than a flat in central London that wasn’t owned by rich wankers had any right to be. Said living room was currently occupied by a group of blokes looking to be in their early twenties. Merlin had met Elyan, Gwen’s brother, before but the rest of them were unfamiliar to him.

It was ridiculous, really, how good looking Elyan’s friends all were. The group of men seated casually around the room were all handsome in their own right. They looked like they could belong on the cover of a magazine.

In the sea of handsome faces, Merlin’s eyes were immediately drawn to the blond sitting on the far end of the sofa. It wasn’t just that the blond was the most well-dressed one in the room. It was like a magnetic force pulling him in, one with a strength to rival that of the Earth’s poles, and Merlin was helpless under its weight. 

The blond hair, those light-coloured eyes Merlin wasn’t close enough to determine the exact colour of but somehow just knew would be the most gorgeous shade of blue he had ever seen. Those well-defined biceps peaking out from the sleeves of his Armani Exchange t-shirt and extending like leading lines to forearms that were equally appeasing to the eye…

It was as if his heart was calling out to another, having finally determined its match. An invisible force tugging on his heartstrings, linking him to the blond stranger. He could almost hear the chorus sound of a choir singing, rejoicing in this very moment.

Merlin had never believed in love at first sight before—he had always thought it was bullshit—but he could have sworn that he fell in love right then. And if it wasn’t love, then it was most certainly lust at first sight, at the very least. In fact, the very first thought that went through his head upon seeing the blond-haired Adonis was I want to have his babies, which didn’t even make sense seeing as how it wasn’t physically or biologically possible.

“We’re playing FIFA,” said Elyan. “Care to join us?”

Gwen hesitated, looking to Merlin to let him decide.

“Sure,” Merlin said. “Why not.”

They found an empty space to slot themselves into the group and Merlin somehow ended up seated next to the blond. The guys all introduced themselves to Merlin as Merlin scrambled to take note of their names. Percival who preferred to go by Percy, Leon, and finally, the only name Merlin really cared for, Arthur.

He could feel the warmth radiating from Arthur’s body. Merlin shifted a little in a pretence to get comfortable on the sofa and in the process, brushed against the side of Arthur’s arm and thigh. He froze minutely, worried that he had made Arthur uncomfortable, but he could have sworn he felt Arthur press back against him ever so slightly.

Merlin didn’t know how, but deep in the recesses of his heart and soul, he knew that this blond Adonis of a man was going to be someone significant in his life. He just didn’t know in what way yet.

~~~

A couple of weeks later, Merlin was out getting a bite to eat at Homeslice (deciding to splurge for the day to curb a craving) when he bumped into Arthur. 

Arthur was, once again, impeccably dressed. It wasn’t even that he was dressed in a suit. He was dressed normally, in denim jeans and a t-shirt with a jacket thrown over it, but every item of clothing was nice. Definitely branded. Merlin was willing to bet it cost more than his month’s allowance.

“Hey, you’re Gwen’s friend, aren’t you?” Arthur said in recognition when he saw Merlin. “Merlin, was it?”

“Yeah,” Merlin answered. On the outside he played it cool, but on the inside, he felt warm and giddy that Arthur remembered him. “What are you doing here?”

“I live near here,” Arthur said.

“Getting lunch?” Merlin cocked his head towards the shop in question.

“Yeah,” Arthur nodded. “Had a craving and fancied a pizza.”

“Would’ve thought you were too posh for pizza.”

Arthur simply raised an eyebrow at Merlin. “Everyone likes pizza, Merlin.”

“Well, I was just going to eat alone,” Merlin said. “If you’re not meeting anyone perhaps we could lunch together?”

“Sure,” Arthur shrugged.

Arthur followed Merlin into the shop and they got a table in the basement. After a quick perusal of the menu, they placed decided to order a half & half to share, each of them choosing a flavour. 

“So where’s Gwen?” Arthur asked once the waitress had cleared away their menus. “Not hanging out with her today?”

“We’re all in different courses so our schedules don’t really match up often.”

“I see,” Arthur said. “How did you guys meet then?”

“Freshers’ week,” Merlin replied with a grin as he thought about his very first meeting with Gwen. “She walked right into me while carrying a bowl of tomato soup and spilt it all over my shirt.”

Gwen had been absolutely appalled and had apologised profusely, attacking Merlin with a handful of napkins she seemed to have conjured out of nowhere. If it had been any other girl, Merlin would have thought that she was trying to cop a feel, but Gwen had genuinely been so flustered that he couldn’t hold it against her. He’d simply shrugged it off and told her that it was a chilly day out anyway and the hot soup helped to warm him up. They had been best friends ever since.

“You don’t seem bothered by that,” said Arthur. “One would think that’s hardly the start of a beautiful friendship. More like the start of a rivalry, perhaps.”

“You’d think so,” Merlin laughed, “but it’s impossible to hate Gwen.” He shrugged. “She was so apologetic and just so darn nice. She started rambling about how she wasn’t looking where she was going and started trying to wipe the soup off of me.”

Arthur let out a burst of laughter. “Gwen’s a pretty girl,” he said. “Bet you didn’t mind that.”

“Nah,” Merlin shook his head. “She’s not really my type.”

“Pretty girls aren’t your type?”

“Girls aren’t my type.”

“Oh—oh.” Arthur’s eyes widened as the implication of what Merlin was telling him dawned on him.

“It’s not a problem, is it?” Merlin asked. Merlin may have been unreasonably attracted to Arthur and while it would be a real bummer if Arthur were straight, Merlin definitely wouldn’t be able to look past Arthur being a homophobe.

“No, no, not a problem,” Arthur replied hastily, if a little bit more high-pitched than usual.

Luckily, they were saved from the awkward moment as the waitress appeared with their food.

They dug into their pizza heartily. Merlin was starving after spending the entire morning in the studio.

“So, what are you studying at UCL?” Arthur asked between bites.

“I’m getting my degree in Fine Arts.”

“Ah.”

“What’s wrong with that!” Merlin asked affronted. He couldn’t quite tell what tone it was that Arthur was using it, but it just rubbed him the wrong way. He was tired of constantly having to defend his choice of study. 

“It just…Do you really need a degree in art?” Arthur shrugged. “Seems more like a hobby to me.”

Merlin was so offended he almost choked on a mushroom. “Art is life, you heathen!” he exclaimed. “To be able to create something with your hands as a form of expression, there’s nothing else quite like it. And the beautiful thing about art is that everyone can have their own interpretation of it. It can take on a life of its own that even the artist themselves may not be able to predict. There’s just something so special—so unique—about it.

“And it’s a perfectly respectable degree!” Merlin continued his rant. “I’m learning loads and it’s a good opportunity to get to know people in the industry! If I’m to have any hope of showcasing my work at a gallery in the future, I’ll need the credentials and the connections.”

“Alright, alright,” Arthur said as he raised his arms up in mock surrender. “I’m sorry I said anything.”

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said, his cheeks turning pink. “I get rather uh…passionate about art.”

“I can see that,” Arthur replied dryly.

“Well, what about you, Mr Posh McPrat Pants? What do you do for a living?”

“Mr what now?” Arthur raised an eyebrow at Merlin looking like he torn between bemusement at how Merlin had come up with the name and amusement that Merlin actually had the balls to say it.

“You heard me.” Merlin cocked a challenging eyebrow back.

“I work for my father,” Arthur revealed. “He’s a businessman with his own company, Pendragon Corp.”

“Fancy,” Merlin said, letting out a low whistle. He wasn’t sure exactly what the company did, but practically everyone had heard of Pendragon Corp, unless one lived under a rock. Arthur must be Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther Pendragon, multimillionaire. He stood by his assessment that Arthur was as posh as they come.

“I’m supposed to take over when he eventually retires,” Arthur continued with a small shrug. “Though God only knows when that will be. The man seems intent on working ’til his dying breath.”

“Do you like it?” Merlin asked. “Working for your father?”

“Pendragon Corp is one of the largest corporations out there,” Arthur said. “I’m lucky to have the opportunity to work there.

“Did you always want to go into business?”

Arthur blinked at him. “It was always expected of me to follow in my father’s footsteps. It’s a family-owned business, after all.” He shrugged.

They chatted some more as they devoured their pizza.

Merlin couldn’t quite explain it. There was something undefinable about Arthur—something that drew Merlin to him like a moth to a flame. Arthur was arrogant, and a bit of a pillock, of that there was no doubt, but there seemed to be something more to Arthur. Something else lurking underneath the hard exterior, something simmering under the surface. Like the Arthur that he presented to everyone wasn’t who he truly was on the inside, but a facade—a mask. 

It was stupid, perhaps, and Merlin couldn’t even explain why he felt the way he did, but he was sure he was right and he was determined to know that Arthur. The one hiding behind the charade of self-assured posh prat. And Merlin was desperate to break down his walls, rip away all those layers and get to know the man underneath.

When they were done, Arthur waved the waitress over to ask for the bill. When she walked over with the card reader, Arthur whipped out his wallet and tapped his card to pay.

“How much is it?” Merlin asked, reaching for his own wallet, prepared to hand over cash for his share of the bill.

“Don’t worry about it,” Arthur waved off.

Merlin made a noise of protest. “I can pay for myself!”

“I’m not saying you can’t,” Arthur said placatingly. "But you’re a student, and I have a job. It’s fine, Merlin.”

Merlin huffed in annoyance. “Well, I’m getting the bill the next time.”

Arthur cocked an eyebrow at Merlin’s assumption that there would be a next time. “Sure,” he said amusedly.

At the front of the restaurant there was an awkward moment when it was time to go their separate ways. 

“Thanks for lunch,” Merlin said, shuffling about uncertainly.

“No problem.” Arthur had his hands shoved into the pockets of his trousers. “I’m this way,” he said, nodding his head in the general direction.

“You live in Mayfair, don’t you,” Merlin said somewhat accusingly.

“Yes,” Arthur replied, a slight crinkle appearing between his eyebrows at Merlin’s tone.

“Of course you do,” Merlin stated.

“What’s wrong with Mayfair?”

“You are such a posh prat, aren’t you?”

“Hey!” Arthur exclaimed.

It figured that Arthur lived at Mayfair. He certainly looked the type of bloke who would live in a fancy neighbourhood—son of Uther Pendragon and all that. If Merlin weren’t on scholarship at UCL, he probably wouldn’t be spending much time in this part of London.

“Bet you also do your grocery shopping at Waitrose, don’t you?”

“That’s awfully presumptuous of you, Merlin,” Arthur said haughtily, though the spark in his eye gave away the fact that he was clearly just playing along. “How bold of you to assume that I don’t have hired help to do it for me.”

“Fair enough,” Merlin chuckled. He could concede that he was being a tad judgemental. 

An awkward silence descended upon them as the conversation died.

“Well, I’m this way,” Merlin said, pointing in the opposite direction.

“Alright, then.”

“I’ll see you around, I guess?”

“Yeah,” Arthur said. “Bye.” He took a hand out of his pocket to give Merlin a parting wave before he turned and walked away.

Merlin stood there for several beats watching as Arthur walked away from him. Try as he might, he couldn’t fight the feeling bubbling in him that this was just the beginning, that this was the start of something big. He felt hope blossom in his chest and he smiled to himself before turning and walking away.

Chapter Text

Merlin was currently lounging on Gwen’s bedroom floor as the two of them worked on their school assignments.

Merlin was lucky enough to secure student accommodation even though he was not a first year student anymore, but as a scholar, he wasn’t paying for his room and that meant he had to share the space with another bloke. Single rooms were expensive and not a luxury Merlin was willing (or able) to pay for. Besides, he didn’t mind having a roommate.

He got along well enough with his roommate, Will, but his rather abrasive personality was not for everyone and though Will nor Gwen had a problem with each other, they didn’t necessarily enjoy each other’s company much. As such, when Merlin hung out with Gwen, they tended to spend time at Gwen’s flat instead. It also helped that she shared a flat with her brother while Merlin and Will only had a single room between them.

Being over at Gwen and Elyan’s also meant seeing Arthur more as the lads occasionally liked to hang out at the flat for reasons Merlin wasn’t entirely sure of, but he certainly wasn’t going to question it when it meant that he got to secretly ogle Arthur.

Weekends spent at the Smiths’ flat was quickly becoming something Merlin looked forward to each week if only for the chance to see Arthur.

Try as he might, Merlin couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of Arthur. Whenever they were in the same space, his eyes always found their way back to Arthur. No matter in the room Arthur was, Merlin would somehow know exactly where he was. 

Merlin knew that he was borderline obsessed over the blond but he couldn’t help himself. In the (relative) privacy of his room, Merlin had taken pencil to paper to sketch out Arthur’s likeness. The graphite moving across the white surface almost as if on its own accord. Merlin couldn’t not draw Arthur. His hands flew across page after page, painstakingly detailing the exact angle of Arthur’s jawline, the point of nose, the curve of his eyes. The way his front tooth was ever so slightly crooked to dispel any notions that any being could possibly be born perfect and somehow making him appear all the more appealing to Merlin. He had had to hide his sketchpad from Will for fear of his roommate thinking he was a crazed creeper—which he probably was—as well as a pathetic sod pining after a bloke way out of his league.

There were times when Merlin thought that Arthur could possibly feel the same way—or at the very least feel the attraction that Merlin felt without the borderline stalker qualities. 

Merlin didn’t have much (any) experience with these things—having grown up in a conservative small town wasn’t exactly ideal for a gay teenage boy’s sex life—but he wasn’t completely clueless. When Merlin entered a room Arthur was in, he could feel Arthur’s eyes snap towards him. He knew the cursory look one would give a person that was more a reflex of checking to see who was there than a need to take in the newcomer, and that wasn’t it. Arthur’s eyes would wander past his eye line, travelling down his body and lingering several beats longer than was necessary. Merlin would feel a heat radiating from deep within and Arthur’s gaze and it was all he could do not to shift under it.

There were also a couple of times when Merlin was in the kitchen getting himself a glass of water when Arthur came up behind him to get himself a glass too, and Arthur would press in close until Merlin could feel the fabric of Arthur’s t-shirt against the back of his arm and their fingers would brush against each other. When Merlin gasped and look up, he could have sworn that Arthur was watching him with this look in his eye. A look that spoke of desire, and want, and a promise of so much more.

Either that or Merlin was losing his mind and imagining things that weren’t there, choosing to see what he desperately wanted to see.

Because while Merlin was sure that Arthur watched him far more than was usual for a bloke who wasn’t interested in another bloke, from what Merlin could tell from the comments and whispers made from Gwen, Elyan, and the rest of the guys, Arthur was very much straight. Percy in particular liked to tease Arthur about his past ‘conquests’ or about heading to the pub that weekend to pull. In those scenarios, they always spoke of women, not men. Never a man.

Still, Merlin was content for now to bask in the lingering glances and casual touches. It was new, and different, and exciting, and even if Arthur wasn’t interested in Merlin that way, Arthur was hot as fuck and just being able to admire him from afar was enough.

“Be right back,” Merlin said, getting up from his position on the floor. “Gotta use the loo.”

“Okay,” Gwen replied absentmindedly, not looking up from the textbook she was reading.

Merlin shuffled out the door towards the bathroom that was diagonally across from Gwen’s in the hallway. The door to the loo was closed and a brief check of the position of the light switch on the wall told Merlin that there was someone inside. Merlin leaned against the wall next to the door to wait.

He could hear muffled sounds of chatter coming from the living room. Elyan must have had the guys over again. He wondered if Arthur—

The door to the loo opened, interrupting Merlin’s thoughts. Speak of the devil. The very man that had just occupied his thoughts happened to be the same man who had been occupying the loo. 

Arthur hadn’t noticed Merlin standing there and when he exited the bathroom, he almost walked into Merlin. His breath hitched and with an aborted movement, he stopped just in time to avoid ploughing Merlin over. 

On hindsight, Merlin shouldn't have been standing there where he was right in the way of Arthur and the living room located at the end of the hallway, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment because Arthur was right there.

Arthur looked pissed for a moment that Merlin was blocking his way, his mouth opened, ready to hurl an insult, but that passed quickly and his eyes seemed to glaze over as he took in the short distance between them. 

Any lingering doubts Merlin still had about whether or not Arthur could possibly be interested in him were slowly evaporating as they stood there staring into each other’s eyes. 

Merlin was all too aware of the sound of his breaths as they got quicker, coming out in short puffs. Blood roared in his ears as his heart thudded in his chest. Merlin’s eyes dipped down, travelling from Arthur’s eyes to his lips, and he almost missed it, but Arthur’s eyes had followed the same path on Merlin’s face. Merlin felt his breath hitch. 

Arthur was so close. Merlin could feel the heat radiating from Arthur’s body, crossing the small space between them and warming Merlin all over. 

Close enough that Merlin could smell the subtle scents of Arthur’s natural odour. It was all he could do not to lean in closer and inhale deeply to take it all in.

Standing in such proximity, Merlin realised that they were of a height. In fact, Merlin may just have half an inch on Arthur. He'd never noticed before.

Arthur was staring so intently at him. Merlin could feel a constricting in his chest, like he could hardly breathe for fear of disrupting the moment. All earlier attentions to how loud his exhales were were now gone as Merlin held his breath.

Arthur took a minuscule, almost involuntary step forward, crowding against Merlin. 

Merlin fought the urge to take an automatic step back. He felt like a cornered prey, Arthur his determined hunter. Except that Merlin was willing. Oh God, was he willing.

Arthur was leaning in closer, tilting his head to the side ever so slightly…

“Oi, Arthur!” came a shout from down the corridor.

Arthur jerked back immediately, coming to his senses.

“Hurry up, mate! Or we’ll leave without you!” the voice—Leon, Merlin recognised—continued.

Arthur pulled away and hurried towards his friends, not sparing a backward glance at Merlin.

Merlin could only stare forlornly after him. The moment was gone, and so was Arthur.

~~~

It was a Friday night. Merlin and Will were at a club. 

Merlin had just turned in a project he had been working on for the better part of the last few weeks and they were celebrating as most uni students did, by getting themselves as drunk as humanly possible.

Merlin was just starting his second pint when he noticed a familiar blond head. Arthur had just entered the club with a couple of people Merlin didn’t recognise—his colleagues, maybe?

Their eyes locked from across the room, honing in on each other through a sea of people. It didn’t last long though, because once Arthur realised what he was doing, he quickly snapped his head away, turning his attention back to his companions. 

Arthur didn’t look his way again after that.

Merlin knew it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t help but feel slighted. He was fully aware that he was being petty and childish, but when a roguishly handsome bloke came up to him a little while later offering to buy him and Will their next round, he accepted the offer with a coy smile.

The bloke—Cenred, he’d introduced himself as—flirted with Merlin and Merlin flirted right back as best he could given his limited experience. The attention was nice, it felt good to be wanted. 

He let Cenred drag him out onto the dance floor where they moved to the music in a way that was more grinding than actual dancing. He thought he could feel eyes burning a hole through the back of his head but a quick scan around the room didn’t yield any results. There were just too many people on the dance floor. He shrugged internally and closed his eyes, raising his hands in the air and enjoying the feel of the pulsating beat booming from the speakers all around. Cenred pressed in close behind him, wandering hands roving all over Merlin’s body. 

Merlin had been stressed with submission deadline and it had been awhile since he had let loose like this.

He didn’t know how long they were on the dance floor for but eventually, he started to feel the call of his bladder. He carefully extricated himself from Cenred’s arms and excused himself to the loo.

The loo was surprisingly empty but when he was washing his hands after, the door opened and someone came in. 

Merlin didn’t look up from the sink, not thinking anything of it, until he heard the footsteps stop a few feet away from him. It was then that he looked up into the mirror and saw Arthur’s reflection staring back at him. 

“Arthur,” Merlin greeted in surprise, shaking the excess water of his hands and reaching for a paper towel to dry them off with. 

Arthur didn’t respond verbally. Instead, he stepped forward, closing the distance between them.

Merlin took an involuntary step backwards, bumping into the sink, the coolness of the porcelain surfacing pressing into his lower back.

“I was watching you,” Arthur said. “Dancing with that other bloke…letting him rub all up on you…you tease.”

Merlin couldn’t formulate a response. His eyes just widened as he stared at Arthur blankly.

“What are you doing to me?” Arthur continued. “You have no idea how tempting you are.” Arthur’s arms reached forward, gripping the rim of the sink behind Merlin on each side, caging him in.

“Are you drunk?” Merlin could smell the alcohol wafting over from Arthur’s breath as he crowded in closer. This close to his face, Merlin could also see that Arthur’s pupils were dilated. 

“Quite possibly.” Arthur dipped his head down into the crook of Merlin’s neck, trailing the tip of his nose along the line from Merlin’s shoulder to the bottom on his ear and inhaling deep. He let out a groan.

Merlin held in a stuttering breath. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He didn’t dare to move, didn’t dare to even breathe, for fear of spooking Arthur and ruining the moment—again.

“You’ve been driving me insane,” was the only warning Merlin got from him before Arthur surged forward and pressed their lips together. 

All things considered, if Merlin had actually given it any thought, he would have expected the kiss to be hard and fast and filthy. Instead, it was surprisingly soft and tender. Despite the speed at which Arthur had closed the remaining distance between them, he placed a gentle kiss upon Merlin’s lips. 

Soft, pillowy lips pressed tentatively against his own and Merlin trembled all over, in nervousness or anticipation, he did not know. Perhaps it was a bit of both. He felt a tingling that started from his lips and traveled down his body, extending all the way to his extremities. He felt a heat blossoming from within that had nothing to do with the alcohol he had consumed. 

It couldn’t have been more than several seconds but it felt like an entire lifetime.

Arthur pulled back staring uncertainly into Merlin’s eyes as if to determine his reaction.

Meanwhile, Merlin’s heart was beating a mile a minute. His brain, in comparison, was moving sluggishly, struggling to keep up with the turn of events. Arthur had just kissed him. Him—Merlin! He couldn’t believe it. Merlin knew that he wasn’t ugly, but he had never thought that his looks were anything to write home about. He was thin and gangly with ears that stuck out far too much for the size of his head. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that someone like Arthur would want him. Never had he thought that he could prompt such a reaction in a man such as Arthur.

Merlin almost wanted to pinch himself to prove that he wasn’t dreaming.

Merlin stared deep into Arthur’s eyes before tracking his gaze lower. Arthur’s lips were glistening slightly from the kiss and Merlin could feel his own eyes glaze over at the sight, zeroing in on those plush pink lips that looked so very inviting. He wanted nothing more than to taste them again—properly this time.

The tip of Arthur’s tongue darted out to lick his lips and Merlin couldn’t have held his groan in even if he’d tried. Arthur’s blue eyes darkened at the sound and that must have been the answer Arthur had been seeking because before Merlin knew it, they were kissing again. This time, fiercer and with more passion than before.

They crashed together as if it were gravity pulling them in and they were helpless to resist, like opposite poles of a magnet.

Merlin couldn’t think. All he could was react. He groaned again, his mouth opening under Arthur’s, inviting Arthur in as the kiss got ever so much deeper. His hands reached up and threaded themselves through Arthur’s hair—just as silky soft as it looked—and tugged Arthur towards him as if Merlin couldn’t get him close enough. 

He felt light-headed, like he was drunk on Arthur. It was like his body was on fire. Heat coursed through his veins, burning him from the inside out and Merlin must have been a masochist because he didn’t ever want it to end. 

Arthur surrounded his all his senses. It was as if his entire world, in that moment, consisted solely of Arthur. The feel of Arthur’s body around him, his muscles strong as his arms encircled Merlin, the feel of them firm under Merlin’s finger tips, containing so much power that was carefully controlled as Arthur held him so tenderly. The smell of Arthur’s natural scent invading his nostrils, a mix of sweat, and arousal, and liquor, and something indefinably but explicably Arthur. The sound of Arthur’s harsh breaths and his own groans as he licked into Merlin’s mouth. The taste of Arthur on his tongue that contained the slightest trace of the alcohol he had been drinking that Merlin now kissed from his mouth. 

Eventually, they pulled apart again for air and Merlin’s hand slid down from Arthur’s neck, running over Arthur’s shoulder and down to rest against his chest. He could feel Arthur’s heart thundering under his palm, racing as fast as his own. He drank in the sight of Arthur, his hair mussed from where Merlin had been running his fingers through it, his lips starting to plump and redden from their kisses, the blown out look in his eyes as Arthur stared back at him.

Then, it was as if something inside of Arthur had awoken. His eyes snapped back into focus and he jerked backwards, away from Merlin. Shooting a panicked look to Merlin, Arthur turned around and fled the toilet.

Merlin didn’t know what had just happened but it felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured on him. 

By the time he straightened his clothes and exited the loo, Arthur was nowhere to be found.

Chapter Text

Merlin was over at Gwen’s again. Elyan wasn’t home so the two of them were sprawled out on the living room floor, both of them busy typing away at their laptops. 

Merlin had an essay on the history of art due and as usual, he had procrastinated to the very last minute. He was a firm believer that procrastinating made him more efficient. Light a fire under his arse and he would finish it quicker. The quality of the work, though, was probably questionable, but whatever got the job done.

It was getting late when the front door to the flat opened and in walked Elyan, trailed closely behind by Leon, Percival, and right at the very back, Arthur. It seemed like they had decided to hang out at the flat after dinner instead of at a pub.

Merlin hadn’t seen Arthur since that fateful night at the club. The night that they had kissed—full on snogged if one cared about semantics. And that was weeks ago now.

Arthur froze at the sight of Merlin lounging on the floor. His eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlights. 

Merlin watched as Arthur’s eyes darted around, subtly glancing uneasily between Merlin and Gwen, as if trying to gauge Gwen’s reaction to his presence.

It was about a half hour later that Merlin was able to get Arthur alone, in the kitchen under the guise of getting himself some water.

Merlin busied his hands with getting a mug from the rack and filling it with water from the tap.

“Don’t worry,” Merlin said, keeping his voice low but loud enough that he knew Arthur could hear. “I didn’t tell anyone.”

Arthur froze from his place at the counter where he was preparing himself a cup of tea. “There’s nothing to tell,” he responded measuredly.

“Okay,” Merlin said. Whatever it was that was going on with Arthur, he didn’t want to push. He wasn’t sure if this was the first time Arthur had ever been attracted to another man before, but regardless, Merlin was pretty sure that Arthur was still in the closet. 

He picked up his mug, now filled with water, and moved to exit the kitchen.

“I—” Arthur said hesitantly.

Merlin paused by the doorway. He turned around to face Arthur and waited. 

Arthur turned slowly, at first keeping his gaze low but then taking a deep breath and raising his head to look Merlin in the eye. “I’m not gay,” he stressed. “That—That—It was a mistake. A momentary lapse in judgment. I was drunk. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Okay,” Merlin repeated evenly, doing his best to keep all emotion out of his voice. He wasn’t necessarily surprised, but it still stung to hear Arthur say that the kiss meant nothing. 

He gave Arthur a parting nod and walked back to the living room. 

~~~

Merlin was on the way back to his dorm after a Boots run. He had walked a little further to the bigger outlet and it must have been near Arthur’s flat because he bumped into Arthur as he was exiting the shop. 

“Merlin!” Arthur greeted in surprise. 

“Hello,” Merlin said in response. 

An awkward exchange outside of Boots turned into a chat of their plans for the rest of the day, and that somehow turned into an invitation for Merlin to join Arthur for a movie back at his flat. 

Arthur had been planning on watching the latest Marvel movie that had finally been released on Disney+, and Merlin, an avid MCU fan without the funds to pay for his own Disney+ account, jumped at the chance. 

The first thing out of Merlin’s mouth when he stepped into Arthur’s flat for the first time was, “I was right.”

“What?”

“You are so posh,” Merlin teased. “I mean, just look at your flat!”

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur replied good-naturedly. “I like nice things, and I have the means to do so. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Thinking it best not to risk getting kicked out for offending his host any further, Merlin decided to do as he was told and mimed zipping his mouth shut.

Merlin wasn’t sure how it happened exactly. They were sitting on the sofa, the movie playing on the telly in front of them. Ant-Man had just said that Captain America had “America’s ass”, a sentiment which Merlin reaffirmed in his best impression of an American accent (he’d always had a thing for Chris Evans, especially Chris Evans suited up as Captain America).

Arthur let out a loud burst of laughter, his head thrown back and shoulders shaking from his mirth. Merlin wouldn’t help but be mesmerised at the sight. The light from the telly cast a glow on Arthur’s profile while the rest of his face was shadowed. Merlin eyes traced along Arthur’s features, from the sharp curve of his nose to the angles of his jawline to the bob of his Adam’s apple. 

He gulped audibly and clenched his hands into fists by his side to stop himself from reaching out to touch. He wanted nothing more than to lean in and press his nose into the nook behind Arthur’s ear to just breath him in, to press his lips against the strong tendons of Arthur’s neck. Merlin knew what Arthur’s lips tasted like but he had yet to taste his skin.

Arthur was so close. If he could only just—

The laughter stopped abruptly, Arthur having noticed Merlin’s lustful gaze upon him, the intent in his eyes. The sounds of the telly droned on in the background but neither were paying it any attention now. Merlin’s first instinct had been to look away, to flee after having been caught staring, but he found that he couldn’t look away. Not when Arthur was staring back at him so intensely. Merlin could hardly breathe. He was terrified that the most minuscule of movements, the harsh sound of a breath, would break the tension and burst the moment.

All Merlin could remember was one moment there was laughter, and the next they were drawing closer to each other. Closer, and closer until finally, finally, their lips were touching. 

Before he knew it, they were having a full-blown snogging session on the sofa. Their teeth clashing in their exuberance to get closer, hair was ruffled, clothes were untucked by wandering hands. Arthur leaned forward, climbing over Merlin and pressing him down against the sofa. 

Merlin felt like his blood was singing. The weight of Arthur’s body on top of his, the feel of Arthur all over him, the taste of him on his lips. Merlin didn’t know if he would ever get enough. 

“I can’t seem to stay away from you,” Arthur confessed quietly when they finally pulled away long enough to catch their breath. “No matter how hard I try, you just— it’s like— I just can’t stop myself. You completely vex me, Merlin. I’ve never felt this way before. I can’t fight it anymore.”

“Then don’t,” Merlin pleaded. “Don’t fight it.” Now that Merlin had a taste of what it was like to have Arthur, he didn’t think that he could ever let it go. 

“I—I can’t, Merlin,” Arthur said, his voice tinged with anguish. “I’m not—I’m not gay. I can’t be. I’ve had…brief dalliances with other blokes before, but that was back in boarding school. Everyone did it. It didn’t mean anything. I’m not—I’m can’t be.

“Why not?” Merlin asked softly, knowing this was a very sensitive subject and wanting to tread carefully. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

Arthur let out a self-deprecating laugh. “You’ve never met my father,” he said. “You don’t understand.”

“Then help me understand,” Merlin implored. 

“My father would never accept a homosexual for a son. He would disown me. I would have nothing.”

Merlin didn’t know what to say. He desperately wished that things were different—that Arthur could see that he was worth more than what his father saw—but he also knew that he had it lucky. His mother had been so supportive when he had come out to her at a tender age of thirteen; young and bright-eyed and not fully comprehending the gravity of it yet. He was aware that his experience was not the usual. Most people struggled with coming out to their families, and many for good reason. As much as he hoped that things were different for Arthur, Merlin knew that it wasn’t his place to push. 

“Can’t we just…do what feels right?” Merlin said. “No one else has to know.”

“You would be okay with that?” Arthur asked, surprised. 

“I know that it must be hard for you. I’ll take you however I can get you.”

~~~

The weeks that followed were utter bliss. Merlin had never felt so happy in his life. 

Whenever Arthur and Merlin were both present at the Smith's flat, it was filled with furtive glances where Merlin tried his hardest not to stare. He couldn't resist completely, but so far, no one had noticed. 

Their days were full of secret text messages, whispered conversations, and stolen kisses.

They also spent a lot of time together away from their friends, just the two of them. Usually, they would hang out at Arthur's flat since he had a flat of his own while Merlin was stuck with a roommate. 

Being with Arthur was like nothing Merlin had ever known before. It was like Arthur had awoken a completely different side to Merlin that he never knew existed. 

When Merlin was with Arthur, he felt like nothing else mattered. He was content to live in the little bubble they had created, tucked away from the rest of the world. Sure, it wouldn't have been his choice to keep their relationship a secret, but Merlin was young and fancied himself in love. As long as he got to keep Arthur, Merlin thought that he would do anything—could do anything. As long as he got to be with Arthur, Merlin could weather any storm that came his way.

~~~

“We’ll need to leave early for dinner,” Arthur announced from his place at the dining table where he was currently working on an assignment.

Merlin, meanwhile, was sprawled out on Arthur’s sofa, lying on his front with his arms hanging off the the side as he read his Art History textbook, his head propped up on top of the armrest. 

“Why?” Merlin asked.

“We have to stop by my sister’s flat before our reservation,” Arthur explained. “Morgana’s out of town and she asked me to water her plants for her. I’ll never hear the end of it if I let her precious plants die on my watch.”

“Sure,” Merlin shrugged. He didn’t mind a detour. Besides, a small part of him was thrilled at getting the chance to do something so mundane with Arthur. He took it as a sign that Arthur was slowly letting Merlin into his life. 

When it was time to go, Merlin shrugged on his coat and donned his favourite red scarf to protect him against the outside chill, and he followed Arthur out the door.

It was a fifteen minute walk to Morgana Pendragon’s flat, but for a cold autumn day, the weather was surprisingly pleasant. The rain was only a slight drizzle—not enough to even require a hat, really—and the wind wasn’t terribly strong. 

Merlin and Arthur strolled down the street side by side, though a respectable distance apart. While most of their secret relationship was spent indoors, they did occasionally (albeit very rarely) venture out into the world together. In those moments though, they refrained from any public displays of affection. If they dined out, they would choose areas where any mutual friends or acquaintances would be likely to frequent, and even then Arthur wasn’t yet comfortable touching Merlin in public, even if it was something as simple as holding hands. Arthur also often appeared tense when they were out together, eyes darting around as if he were scared of being spotted by someone he knew. Still, he supposed that it could be worse. Merlin was just grateful they left the house at all.

They chatted amiably as they went, Arthur asking Merlin about his art courses and Merlin probing Arthur for more information about his sister. He swore that Arthur almost seemed to get jealous by the interest Merlin appeared to be showing in Morgana, but Merlin merely wanted to see a different side of Arthur—the one only a sibling could bring out.

They got to Morgana’s flat without much fanfare and Arthur let himself in with his spare key.

“Have a seat,” Arthur said, gesturing towards the sofa. “I’ll just be a minute.”

Merlin did as he was told, unwinding the scarf from his neck and draping it over the armrest as he went and flopping down onto the soft cushions. 

“Ugh,” he groaned as his body sunk into the sofa, the plush cushions moulding themselves to his body. “I think I’m in heaven.”

“Am I going to have to worry about you leaving me for my sister?” Arthur asked, calling out from what Merlin assumed was a supply closet in the hallway.

“Yes,” Merlin called back. “I don’t think I’ll be able to leave. I’m too comfortable right here. I am one with the sofa.”

Any urge Merlin had to snoop around the flat for potential photos of Arthur as a child disappeared from his mind as he leant his head back and closed his eyes. The sofa was beyond luxurious. He felt like he was sitting on a cloud.

Merlin thought he must have dozed off because he was jerked to alertness by a sharp prodding at his side. He hadn’t realised how tired he was until he sat down.

“Come on, you numpty,” Arthur said, withdrawing the hand he had used to wake Merlin up, “it’s time to go.”

“Alright,” Merlin replied. He absentmindedly rubbed at his eyes as he stood up.

Arthur looked on amusedly at Merlin and a sort of fond expression overtook his face, softening his features. He reached a hand back out to pull Merlin towards him, placing a tender kiss upon Merlin’s lips that Merlin returned all too enthusiastically, already feeling more awake than before. 

Arthur gave Merlin’s hand a squeeze before turning towards the door, beckoning with his head for Merlin to follow. He needn’t have bothered. Merlin would follow Arthur anywhere.

They had dinner reservations at one of Arthur’s favourite restaurants that served a mean Sunday Roast and Merlin was eager to try it. He didn’t think that any restaurant could beat his mother’s roast, but he had to admit that he had been eating a lot better now that he was dating Arthur. 

Arthur, the posh git with a hefty trust fund, liked to eat at fancy places whereas Merlin, the poor scholarship student, usually resorted to Tesco meal deals when left on his own. Arthur claimed that Merlin wasn’t getting the proper nutrients he needed and insisted on feeding Merlin, something that Merlin wasn’t about to complain about. It felt nice that Arthur was looking after him. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside (though perhaps it could just be his stomach being nice and full from decadent food for the first time).

Dinner was a lovely affair. The food was delicious (though Merlin maintained that his mum did it better) and the pair traded coy smiles at each other over their roasts. The restaurant was fancy enough for the tables to be draped with floor-length table cloth and Merlin, not one to waste a perfectly good opportunity, decided it was the perfect time to play a little game of footsie with Arthur. He thoroughly enjoyed watching Arthur squirm in his seat, getting red in face as he got hot under the collar.

When they finally exited the restaurant out into the cool night, their bellies were full and Merlin was feeling flushed. The sharp chill of the night air was a stark contrast to the toasty warmth of the restaurant and Merlin automatically pulled his coat tighter over himself, folding his arms in and tucking his hands under his armpits. The downside of Arthur refusing to touch him in public meant that Merlin couldn’t use Arthur as his own personal space heater in the cold night air.

It was only then when the breeze blew by causing goosebumps to erupt along his exposed neck that he realised he had left his scarf at Arthur’s sister’s flat.

Chapter Text

“So, what are your plans for the weekend?”

Merlin and Gwen were currently sitting at the dining table munching on their dinner while Elyan and his friends were lounging around the living room. Lance was the one who had just inquired about everyone’s weekend plans.

“Not much,” Leon answered. “Probably catch up on some Netflix. Work’s been really busy and I haven’t had time to just sit down and enjoy the telly.”

“I’ll probably be visiting my mum,” Arthur said. “Dad’s out of town on business and she’s all alone in the big house. Thought I’d go and keep her company.

Merlin’s eyebrows rose up in surprise. He and Arthur hadn’t talked about what they were doing over the weekend and he hadn’t known that Arthur was planning on visiting his mum.

“You taking the train?” Elyan asked.

“Nah, I’ll probably drive,” Arthur replied.

“All the way to Cornwall? That’s quite the drive.”

“I like driving,” Arthur said with a shrug.

Gwen, who up until now had been busy wolfing down her pasta, piped up. “You live in Cornwall, Arthur? So does Merlin!” she exclaimed. “If you’re driving, maybe you could give Merlin a lift down to visit his mum too! The trains are too expensive and Merlin always says he feels bad that he doesn’t visit his mum as often as he should.”

Merlin had known that Arthur was from the West Country as well, but somehow, they had never talked about it. Merlin didn’t realise that Arthur, like him, was from Cornwall.

Merlin’s and Arthur’s eyes met from across the room.

Arthur arched an eyebrow at Merlin, silently communicating to him about the turn of events.

“What do you think?” he seemed to say.

Merlin tilted his head to the side and lifted his shoulders every so slightly in the sublet of shrugs, indicating to Arthur that it was his decision.

“Alright,” Arthur said out loud. “I could use some company in the car on the drive down.” 

“Someone to make sure you don’t fall asleep at the wheel?” Merlin quipped good-naturedly.

“Well, that would imply that you’ll have to make yourself useful, Merlin,” Arthur replied dryly.

“I’m plenty useful!” Merlin retorted.

“Provided the two of them don’t kill each other first,” Lance cut in before Arthur could reply. 

It wasn’t the first time Merlin and Arthur had gotten into an argument in front of the others. And while Merlin and Arthur quite enjoyed riling each other up (some would say that it was their version of foreplay), the others were under the impression that they didn’t get along very well.

Gwen suddenly looked concerned, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth and chewing worriedly on it. “I’m sorry, Arthur,” she said, as if she was now regretting speaking before thinking. “I shouldn’t have— I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. You don’t have to—”

“It’s fine, Gwen,” Arthur reassured her. “I really could use the company. Elyan is right, it is a long drive.”

“Looks like you’re stuck with me, Pendragon,” Merlin beamed at Arthur. 

It was only because Merlin now knew Arthur’s face so well that he could tell that Arthur was fighting back a smile.

~~~

Arthur showed up with his car to pick Merlin up early on Saturday morning, even before the sun had risen, to start the five and a half hour drive to Cornwall. 

“Come on, Merlin,” he said, “get a move on. I don’t want to get stuck in traffic getting out of London.”

Merlin shuffled obediently into the car, bleary-eyed, yawning, and still half asleep. 

A steaming cup of hot coffee was waiting for him in the car and Merlin gulped it down gratefully. He cradled the paper cup to his chest protectively, letting the warmth of the hot beverage seep into his fingers to chase away the chill of the autumn morning. Already he was starting to feel more awake as the caffeine made its way into his system. 

The traffic out of London was slow, though not as bad as it could be since they left early enough to beat the rush hour, and it was not long until they were speeding down the M4.

After about fifteen minutes of listening to the radio, Merlin decided that he’d had enough and he swiped Arthur’s phone. He opened Spotify and immediately started putting together a playlist.

“Oi!” Arthur exclaimed, making a half-hearted attempt to snatch his phone back but missing completely because he had to keep one hand on the wheel and his eyes on the road.

Merlin simply laughed and batted Arthur’s hands away. “It’s a five hour drive, Arthur!” he said. "We need a good playlist!”

Some time during Ed Sheeran’s Castle on a Hill, a song that Merlin maintained was the best road trip song ever, a noise sounded over the chorus that was decidedly not part of the song. 

Merlin looked incredulously towards Arthur. “Did you just fart?”

“What?!” Arthur said defensively, his face turning an interesting shade of pink as he looked resolutely at the road in front of him. “No, I didn’t!”

Merlin sniffed at the air exaggeratedly. “You did!” he exclaimed with glee. 

He didn't know why, but somehow, Arthur farting in front of Merlin made Arthur all the more human and not the perfectly put together person he always appeared to be, and Merlin was enjoying it immensely. The fact that Arthur was clearly embarrassed and taunting Arthur whenever possible being Merlin’s new favourite pastime probably had something to do with it as well.

Merlin laughed manically and teasingly rolled down the window in a show to let fresh air into the car. He closed his eyes for several beats, breathing in the fresh air. When he opened his eyes again, it was to see a red light right in front of them…and the car was still moving.

“It’s a red light, you knob!” Merlin yelled.

Arthur jammed the brakes and the car jerked to a stop. 

“What were you doing? Daydreaming while driving?!”

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur said defensively. “And roll the window back up! You’re letting the cold air in!”

Merlin took a couple more seconds to enjoy the breeze in his hair before pushing the button to wind the window back up. When he looked back over at Arthur, he found that Arthur was staring at him from the corner of his eyes, gazing distractedly at his hair.

“You look a right mess,” Arthur said sternly, though the fondness in his tone gave him away. 

Merlin sheepishly ran his hands through his hair, doing his best to sort out the mop on top his head. 

~~~

After an incredibly long drive (in which Merlin absolutely did not fall asleep on, despite Arthur’s many claims), they pulled up to Merlin’s childhood home. It was a small brick house, one of many in the long row of identical houses. It wasn’t much, but it was home.

His mum must have been watching for their arrival from the window because they were barely out of the car before the front door opened and Hunith came rushing out to meet them.

“Merlin!” she exclaimed, holding her arms as she ran. She wasted no time in enveloping Merlin in her arms. 

“Hi, Mum,” Merlin mumbled into her hair, hugging her back just as tightly. It really had been too long since he’d been home and he hadn’t been back nearly often enough in the years since moving to London for uni.

“I’m so happy to see you, my boy,” she said. 

Hunith pulled away and turned to Arthur who had exited the car too, having been raised too proper not to get out of the car and greet Hunith properly.

“Mrs Emrys,” Arthur greeted dutifully.

“Oh, you must be Arthur,” Hunith gushed. “Please, call me Hunith.” She walked over to pull Arthur into an embrace. “Thank you for giving my son a lift home.”

“It was no trouble,” Arthur said sheepishly, taken aback by the warm welcome he was receiving. 

“Why don’t you come in for some tea and snacks?” Hunith asked. “You must be ravenous.”

Merlin was ravenous alright. Just not for tea. A five hour drive cooped up in a confined space with his gorgeous boyfriend while not being able to touch him was a different kind of torture.

“Oh, no, that’s ok,” Arthur started. “I don't want to impose."

“Don’t be silly,” Hunith insisted. “It’s been a long drive here. I’m sure you could use the break and some refreshments before you head on home.”

Arthur hesitated, shooting Merlin a look of mild panic. 

Merlin simply shrugged his shoulders in return. He’d learnt from experience that his mother would always get her way when she felt that someone needed looking after, and it was best to just humour her.

“Alright…” Arthur said.

“Wonderful,” Hunith smiled warmly, leading the way towards the house.

Merlin shouldered his overnight bag and gestured to the house with his head. “Come on, then.”

Arthur had no choice but to follow behind them.

They settled down in the small dining room, and Hunith brought out a tray of tea with some sandwiches. It seemed she had been busy that morning readying for their arrival.

“Please help yourself,” she said to Arthur, gesturing towards the refreshments.

“Thank you, Hunith,” Arthur replied sincerely. 

“So how do you two know each other?” Hunith enquired as she sipped her tea.

“He’s Elyan’s friend,” Merlin rushed to answer, not wanting Arthur to feel awkward about questions about their relationship. “You remember, Gwen’s brother?”

“I see,” she said.

There was a look in his mother’s eyes. Something sharp and shrewd. 

Arthur shifted in his seat. “You have a lovely home,” he said with a broad smile, making a one-eighty turn and turning on the charm to deflect the attention off of him.

“Thank you, my dear. It’s not much, but it’s home,” Hunith said warmly. “Tell me about yourself, Arthur. What do you do?”

“Mum!” Merlin protested, embarrassed at the interrogation. The last thing he wanted was for his mother to scare away his boyfriend. There was enough danger of that happening already without his mother’s intervention and he didn’t need to add on to the pile. 

Arthur waved away Merlin’s protests good-naturedly, reassuring him that he didn’t mind. “I work for my father,” he answered. “He runs his own business.” He then proceeded to launch into a general explanation of his job working for Pendragon Corp.”

“Oh, what a bright young man you are.”

“I get by,” Arthur said with a blush.

“And modest too,” Hunith gushed a little. 

Merlin looked on as Arthur continued to charm his mother. He could tell that Arthur was growing on his mother. How could he not? Arthur, for all his faults, exuded a natural charm that couldn’t be taught. People tended to be drawn to him, instinctively looking to him for approval or support. 

Arthur, with his gold-spun hair and crooked smile. He was so handsome people couldn’t help but stare, but there was also an underlying charisma that made everyone want to get to know him. And somehow, he was Merlin’s. And that made Merlin giddy with happiness.

They chatted for a bit while Merlin and Arthur devoured the sandwiches (Merlin hadn’t realised just how hungry he actually was for food until he started eating) but were interrupted when Hunith’s mobile rang. 

“Excuse me,” she said, pushing her chair away from the table so she could get up. “Hello?” she answered the phone, walking to the next room for some privacy and leaving Merlin and Arthur alone in the dining room.

Merlin eyed Arthur speculatively. Now that his hunger for sustenance was somewhat quenched, his mind was wondering back to the other hunger he had. His mind was coming up with all sorts of scenarios of him pulling Arthur up by his shirt collar and ravishing him on the table, or climbing into Arthur’s lap and snogging him within an inch of his life, or simply taking matters into his own hands in an attempt to force Arthur into action, knowing that Arthur could never resist it when Merlin touched himself. 

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Arthur said, not even looking up from the tuna mayo sandwich he was biting into, “it’s not going to happen.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“I can feel you staring, and I can practically hear you thinking out loud,” Arthur scoffed. “Your mum’s in the next room.”

Merlin huffed petulantly, but he knew that Arthur was right. It would be beyond inappropriate and would probably (definitely) scar his mum for life when she came back in to check on them after her phone call. But as happy as he was to finally be able to spend the weekend his mother, he was also mourning the loss of being able to spend the weekend doing dirty things with his boyfriend. His incredibly sexy boyfriend. He finally had a boyfriend, even if no one knew, and between his studies and Arthur’s work, they hadn't had much alone time lately.

“Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry,” Hunith said, her voice drifting into the room before she appeared through the doorframe. “That was work. There’s an emergency at the hospital and I’m being called in. I don't know how long I will be but I’m afraid it’s going to be at least most of the night.”

“That’s alright, Mum,” Merlin said. “I’ll just entertain myself while you’re gone.”

“Oh, I hate the thought of you coming all the way down from London only to spend it alone in the house.”

“That’s alright, Hunith,” Arthur said. “He can come and stay with me. We have a guest room, he wouldn't even have to sleep on the sofa.”

“Oh, that’s so kind of you, Arthur,” Hunith gushed. “I’m so sorry, you’ve had to drive him all the way here and now you’re putting him up in your home too.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” Arthur assured her. 

“Why don’t you go get ready for work,” Merlin suggested. “We’ll clean up and head out after.”

“My sweet boy,” Hunith said, cupping her hand under Merlin’s chin. She then left to get cleaned up and changed for work. 

Less than five minutes later, as Merlin and Arthur were tidying up the last bits of their meal from the table, Hunith reemerged. 

“Thank you for coming home to visit,” she said. “I’m so sorry this weekend didn’t turn out as planned, but I'm go glad I got to see you, if only for a short while.”

“Me too, Mum.”

"You take care of yourself, alright?” Hunith pulled Merlin in into a fierce hug and Merlin hugged her back just as tightly, breathing in the comforting scent fo his mother that he’d missed so much in the last few months. 

Once Hunith was out the door, off to the hospital, and Merlin had put away the last of the dishes, he turned to Arthur and said, “Want to have sex in my childhood bedroom?”

“Absolutely.”

They raced up to Merlin’s bedroom where Arthur promptly pressed Merlin down into his mattress and it was at least another hour before they locked up the house behind them and got back into the car to make the drive to Arthur’s family home. 

Chapter Text

The Pendragon’s lived about a forty-minute drive away from Hunith’s house—closer to half an hour because of Arthur’s penchant for speeding whenever there were no speed cameras.

It wasn’t long before they were pulling up in front of a large house with a long driveway. 

They both grabbed their overnight bags from the boot and trudged up the pebbly path towards the Pendragon home.

Merlin barely had time to admire the sizeable home and its beautiful garden before the front door is thrown open.

“Arthur!” A woman who must be Arthur’s mother came rushing out of the house, arms wide open, ready to embrace her son. “My darling, it’s been too long since you’ve visited,” she said. 

She finally reached Arthur and wasted no time in wrapping her arms around him.

“Let me look at you,” she said, pulling away just enough to examine him from head to toe. “Have you been looking after yourself?”

“Yes, Mother,” Arthur replied, looking embarrassed. He gently pried her hands away from his person and gestured awkwardly at Merlin. “This is Merlin,” he introduced. “He’s a friend of a friend. I gave him a lift down from London because his mum lives nearby but she was called into work. Is it okay if he stays with us instead? I’m his lift back to London and it didn't make sense for him to stay in an empty house all night.”

“Hi, Mrs Pendragon,” Merlin said, raising his hand uncertainly in a nervous attempt at a wave. “I’m so sorry to show up unexpectedly.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Merlin,” she replied. “You must call me Ygraine. Mrs Pendragon was my mother-in-law. And don’t you worry about that one bit, we have plenty of room. I’ll get someone to clean out the guest room for you. It’ll be ready in no time.”

She ushered them into the house, wanting them to get out of the cold. 

“Are you boys hungry?” she asked. “Agatha, our cook, has prepared a lovely meal.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow at Arthur. Why was he not surprised to find out that the Pendragons had a cook? “Posh pants,” he mouthed at Arthur.

Arthur elbowed him in retaliation. “That would be great, Mum, thank you,” he said to Ygraine. He knew better than to tell his mother that someone else had already fed him, and after the romp in Merlin’s childhood bed and the drive over, he could eat again.

They sit down at the informal dining area (because the Pendragons are posh enough to have a formal dining area as well) and as they tucked into their admittedly delicious meal, Ygraine regaled Merlin with tales of what Arthur was like as a child.

“He absolutely loved playing football, my Arthur,” Ygraine gushed. “He started off when he was just four and barely coordinated enough to run while dribbling a ball but so looked forward to playing on his little footie team.” She smiled wistfully at her son. “It was such a shame he gave it up when he got older. I always thought he would pursue it as a career…”

“Mother,” Arthur said warningly, as if this were an argument they’ve had before and Arthur had no desire to hash it out again in front of Merlin.

Ygraine merely smiled patiently and changed the subject to indulge her son, moving on to stories of the numerous phone calls she would get from Arthur’s school teachers about the trouble he had gotten up to during class.

When the plates were cleared away, Ygraine pushed away from the table and gestured for Merlin to join her.

“Come,” she said, “let’s give you a tour of the house, shall we? I would ask Arthur to do it, but I know my son well and he would gloss over all the good bits.”

After a quick tour around the elaborately decorated home, Ygraine pulled Merlin into a cosy little sitting room near the back of the house that overlooked into the garden behind. While the rest of the house was beautiful, it looked like something out of an architectural magazine. This room felt more lived in, more homely, and Merlin loved it instantly.

Merlin’s eyes were immediately drawn to the wall to the left side of the door where numerous frames of what looked like family photos hung. 

“Would you like to see some photographs of Arthur when he was younger?” Ygraine asked, already walking towards the wall of photos.

“I’m sure Merlin doesn’t want to look at some silly photos, Mum,” Arthur tried to argue, clearly not keen on getting embarrassed further.

“Actually, I would very much be interested in it,” Merlin piped up. He shuffled forward to join Ygraine before Arthur could stop him.

His eyes caught on a picture of a tiny blond-haired little boy, who couldn’t be more than 6-years-old, with a small pair of metal frames resting atop his nose. 

“You wore glasses?” Merlin said incredulously, positively gleeful at this new insight. “How did I not know this?!”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

“Arthur!” Ygraine chided. “Don’t be rude.”

Merlin looked around the wall from picture to picture, enjoying this little glimpse into Arthur’s home life. There were photos of Ygraine holding a young Arthur, and some of a young girl with long black hair that Merlin surmised must be Morgana, and there were also photos of all three of them with a stern-looking gentleman who had to be Arthur’s father. 

Something caught his attention in the corner and his eyes settle on a small frame near the bottom of the wall of photos. A young Morgana was wearing a long green dress with gold sparkles, her long hair braided to the side and draping neatly over one shoulder. Next to her…

“Ah,” Ygraine said when she noticed the photo that Merlin was staring at, “that was taken at halloween. Sometimes the other families in the neighbourhood will arrange a little trick-or-treating for the children and give them the opportunity to dress up. Such an American tradition, but the kids loved it.”

Arthur leapt into action, throwing himself between his mother and Merlin and using his palm to cover the photograph in question.

Merlin meanwhile was struggling to keep a straight face.

“Arthur!” Ygraine chided her son again. “Honestly, you looked adorable. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” She turned toward Merlin and continued, “Morgana wanted to be Princess Fiona and we had wanted the two of them to go in matching costumes. Arthur refused to go as Shrek because—”

“Because he’s an ogre,” Arthur interrupted.

“—because it would have been inappropriate seeing as his sister was Princess Fiona,” Ygraine continued unperturbed by her son’s outburst, “and so we found him a costume for Donkey instead.”

The photo that Arthur was now trying desperately to cover from Merlin’s sight did indeed show him dressed in a furry grey suit with floppy ears. Ygraine was right. Arthur did look adorable.

“Well,” Merlin said lightly, doing his best to keep his laughter at bay, “I always did say you were an ass.”

~~~

Merlin attempted to make himself scarce for the rest of the afternoon by exploring the gardens on his own to allow Arthur to spend some quality time alone with his mum, but come dinner time, the three of them sat down at the dinner time to eat together. 

After a delicious meal of cottage pie made by Agatha the Cook, they settled down in the informal living room to watch a film on the telly. Through it all, Ygraine conversed with Merlin, asking more about himself and his studies and seeming genuinely interested to know the answers. She made him feel so welcome and at home, successfully putting him at ease despite being an unexpected overnight guest.

Later that night, Merlin was tossing and turning in the bed in the guest room. He didn’t know why but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t fall asleep. Deciding it was a lost cause, he threw the duvet off of his body and wandered downstairs to the kitchen, hoping a glass of warm milk would help. 

To Merlin’s surprise, there was a dim glowing light coming from the kitchen when he made his way down. The floor lamp was on and Arthur was seated on a bar stool next to the kitchen island.

Arthur looked up in surprise when Merlin shuffled in. He gave Merlin a smile and reached a hand out, beckoning Merlin to join him. 

Merlin let Arthur pull him closer and settled between Arthur’s thighs that parted to make room for him. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” Arthur asked.

Merlin shook his head in response, resting his forehead lightly against Arthur’s.

“Me neither,” Arthur said. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to spend more time with your mum. I know how much you miss her.”

“It’s alright,” Merlin said, shrugging. “This is nice too. Your mum is lovely.”

“Should I be worried about you ditching me for my mother?” Arthur arched at eyebrow at Merlin.

“Shut up,” Merlin chucked and shoved at Arthur’s shoulder. “You know what I mean.” He reached a hand up to run his fingers through Arthur’s soft blond locks. “You look like her.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Thank you for letting me stay,” Merlin said softly.

“Well, it’s not like we could have turned you out on the streets,” Arthur replied dryly. “Gwen would’ve murdered me.”

Merlin shoved at Arthur again.

“It’s nice having you here,” Arthur confessed. 

“Good,” Merlin said with a smile. “I’m glad.”

They stayed in their partial embrace for several moments in companionable silence before Merlin broke it.

“I didn’t know you used to play football,” he said.

“It was a long time ago,” Arthur replied.

“Your mum said you really loved it,” Merlin probed gently. “Why don’t you play anymore?”

Arthur shrugged. “My father thought it was a waste of time. That I should be focuses on real things instead. Things that would make a difference, that would help progress my career.”

“That’s sad.”

“That’s life,” Arthur said simply, as if he were merely stating a fact.

Sensing that that was all Arthur had to say on the matter, Merlin decided to change the subject. “I actually came down to get a glass of milk,” he said. He gestured towards the fridge. “May I?”

“Help yourself,” Arthur said, picking up his own glass from the kitchen island to take a sip.

Merlin crossed the short distance to the fridge and opened the double doors (fancy, he thought), shivering slightly as the cool air washed over him. He pulled the sleeves of his jumper down and huddled into himself as he scanned the shelves. 

He spotted the carton of milk in the corner and was just about to reach for it when he jumped at the feeling of arms winding around his middle.

Arthur pulled him backwards, Merlin’s back pressed along the length of Arthur’s chest as Arthur’s hands rested against Merlin’s stomach and Arthur hooked his chin over Merlin’s shoulder.

“Arthur!" Merlin exclaimed, surprised but gleeful at Arthur’s sudden display of affection. “What are you doing?”

“You just looked so irresistible,” Arthur murmured into Merlin’s ear causing shivers to run down Merlin’s spine as he felt the warm breath brush over him. “The yellow light of the fridge on your profile, your cute little bottom taunting me…What was I to do?”

“Control yourself, that’s what,” Merlin said, still laughing despite his chiding words.

“But why would I want to,” Arthur asked, “when I can do this?” 

Arthur tightened his grip around Merlin and swayed gently, and Merlin had no choice but to follow. Not that he was complaining. This new side to Arthur was rather refreshing. 

Arthur hummed a tune softly in his ear as they swayed and Merlin leaned his head back to rest against the crook of Arthur’s neck. Merlin closed his eyes and decided to just go with it, to just be present in the moment with Arthur and enjoy it. He knew times like this were rare, when Arthur felt comfortable enough in his own skin and comfortable enough around Merlin to just be.

A swirl of emotions churned in Merlin, overwhelming him. He may not have had much experience with love, but he was sure that that was what this was. Love. He had never felt like this about anyone before and he couldn’t imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else again. There was just something about Arthur that kept drawing him in and as his feelings bubbled to the surface, all of a sudden, Merlin couldn’t take it anymore. In that moment, he just had to let Arthur know how he felt.  

Merlin turned around in Arthur’s arms. He was so nervous he couldn’t even look at Arthur despite having turning around to face him. He stared at Arthur’s clavicle and whispered softly, “I love you.”

In his nervousness, Merlin didn’t notice Arthur’s expression freeze and his muscle tense. The silence lasted a split second before Arthur was descending upon him, successfully distracting him with soft lips and a probing tongue. 

Merlin hummed in contentment, opening his mouth to let Arthur in while bringing his hands up to the grip at the back of Arthur’s neck.

Arthur wasted no time in delving in, licking into Merlin’s mouth with such purpose it made Merlin go all breathless and have to cling to Arthur to remain upright. 

Merlin didn’t know how long they stood there snogging in the dim kitchen light. Belatedly he hoped they hadn’t wasted too much electricity from leaving the fridge door open, but in the moment, Merlin couldn’t bring himself to care because he was in the arms of the man he loved getting snogged within an inch of his life and life couldn't get any better than that. 

~~~

They planned to set off for London after breakfast so they can make it back before the sun sets. Arthur wasn’t keen on driving into London when it’s dark out.

After a breakfast of baked beans on toast, they said their goodbyes to Ygraine.

“It was nice to meet you, Merlin,” Ygraine said, pulling Merlin into a hug that he was all to happy to return. 

“You too,” he replied.

They grabbed their overnight bags and headed out to the driveway. As they walked out the front door, footsteps crunching on the gravel, Arthur’s phone rang. 

“It’s work,” Arthur said. “I’ve got to get this. Can you load the bags?” He tossed Merlin the car keys absentmindedly as he pressed the button to answer the call.

The car keys landed on the gravel by Merlin’s feet but Arthur was already walking away, talking in a harsh voice to whoever it was on the phone. 

A nagging feeling prickled at Merlin as he bent down to retrieve the car keys. Arthur had been distant all morning. 

The weekend, though unexpected, had been surprisingly pleasant. Merlin may not have been able to spend time with his mum as planned, but he got to meet Arthur’s mum and see the home that Arthur grew up in. He had felt closer to Arthur than ever before, felt hopeful that things were looking up between them, that they could have a future together. He told Arthur he loved him. It was only now that Merlin realised Arthur hadn’t said it back. He had distracted Merlin with desperate kisses and that morning Merlin had felt him pulling away. 

As Merlin slowly walked towards the car, he watched Arthur standing off in the distance. He was stood under a large tree whose leaves had turned with the seasons. Burnt orange hues so picturesque it called to him like his own personal nature’s muse. Autumn was usually Merlin’s favourite season. He loved the way the leaves changed colour; autumn colours were so warm despite the cold weather. But now as he watched the beautiful orange leaves fall to the ground, all he could do was wonder if the withering leaves were an omen for his relationship. 

Chapter Text

Elyan and Gwen decided to host a joint Christmas party that year and invite all of their respective friends. It was to be held a few days before Christmas, before everyone went home for the holidays.

Gwen invited Merlin, and by extension, Will, as well as Freya. Will had declined the invite though, not wanting to spend the night with a bunch of strangers. 

Elyan had, of course, invited Arthur, Leon, and Percival, along with a bunch of other friends Merlin hadn’t met before. 

Merlin had originally planned to go home earlier to spend more time with his mum but Arthur had convinced Merlin to go to the party, citing that Gwen would be upset if Merlin missed it. Arthur had also offered to drive Merlin home for Christmas. Arthur would be making the drive west for Cornwall again to spend the holidays with his family and though Merlin had at first declined the lift, thinking thinking that Arthur would be travelling with his sister, Morgana had made her own plans and so he felt better about agreeing. 

Train tickets around Christmas time were bloody expensive so he was relieved to not have to spend the cash. Though he had just seen his mum fairly recently, but it didn’t feel right not spending the holiday with her.

Getting to spend one last evening with Arthur at Gwen’s party was a bonus, he supposed.

Gwen went all out with decorations. The flat looked like Christmas had exploded all over it; garlands hung all round, draped over practically all the available surfaces, fairy lights twinkled everywhere (Merlin was mildly concerned about it being a potential fire hazard), the tables were covered with bright red table cloths, topped with fake candles (real ones would definitely have been a fire hazard), two stockings hung on the sides with Gwen’s and Elyan’s names written on them. A Christmas tree was also tucked away in the corner, big enough to fill the space but small enough not to get in the way.

Unfortunately, none of the decorations were real, though Gwen made up for it by procuring a scented spray and dousing the flat in it, making the entire place smell of pine trees. She’d also spent the better part of the afternoon baking gingerbread cookies and the scent of said cookies wafted over the space. That, plus the mulled wine being served, made for as festive an atmosphere as could be possible.

The cosy flat was packed full of people, more so than Merlin had ever seen before, but it fit the Christmasy vibe.

With Gwen busy as hostess, buzzing around entertaining her guests and ensuring everyone’s glasses were filed with mulled wine, Freya was Merlin’s chosen companion for the evening. They found an empty corner of the room and clung to it, chatting amiably as they people-watched. 

Freya was a student at UCL with Merlin and Gwen, studying Nursing. She was also an artist at heart despite not having chosen it as a profession and loved to paint in her free time. She and Merlin would often discuss their art, though Freya’s preferred medium was watercolour, a medium that wasn’t Merlin’s strongest suit. 

She had a petite frame and long, dark brown (almost black) hair that cascaded down her back in natural waves. Her face housed delicate features, including a set of doe-like hazel eyes that had the ability to pierce through one’s soul. Freya was earnest, kind, and absolutely lovely, and Merlin always thought that if he weren’t gay, he would be madly in love with her. 

But alas, he was gay, and madly in love with his boyfriend. 

Unfortunately, said boyfriend was very much in the closet which was why he was standing in the corner being a wallflower with Freya instead of mingling with the crowd by Arthur’s side. 

Still, it was fine, Merlin told himself. It didn’t matter if no else knew. He knew. Arthur had chosen him, and that was all that mattered. 

“Are you heading back to the Lakes for the holidays?” Merlin asked.

Freya’s parents ran a bed and breakfast in the Lake District. She often talked about how much she enjoyed growing up in the area, surrounded by nature and the beautiful scenery. 

“I’m taking the train up to Carlisle tomorrow morning,” Freya replied. “Dad is picking me up from the train station. What about you? Are you going back to Cornwall?”

“Yeah,” Merlin said, not elaborating further to explain about his travel arrangements.

“You must be excited,” said Freya. “I know how close you are to your mum.”

“Yeah,” Merlin said, giving her a small smile. “I saw her for a bit awhile back but she had to go into work. It’ll be nice to spend some time with her, just the two of us. It’s been too long.”

“Mm, I’m looking forward to seeing my family too. I think Mum’s got plans to go backpacking.”

“In December?”

“I never said it was a good idea,” Freya shrugged.

“I suppose it does rain year-round in England,” said Merlin with a shrug of his own. “A Christmas hike, why not.”

They both laughed and took a pull of their mulled wine. 

As Merlin drained the last of his wine, he raised his empty glass at Freya to let her know where he was going and left the safety of their little corner to brave the kitchen for a refill.

When he stepped into the kitchen, he found that Arthur had had the same idea and was there refilling his glass as well. They were the only ones there as Gwen was flittering in and out prepping the table.

“Hi,” Merlin said with a smile, glad to have a chance to be alone with Arthur, even if only for a short moment.

“Not here, Merlin,” Arthur replied, shifting uncomfortably.

Merlin’s smile slid off of his face. “I’m just saying hi,” he said. “There’s no harm in that.”

“Not here,” Arthur repeated firmly. He picked up his glass and exited the kitchen in quick steps, leaving Merlin gapping after him.

It wasn’t as if their friends didn’t know that they knew each other. Hell, they even knew that Merlin had spent that one weekend at the Pendragon home because his mother had had an emergency shift at the hospital. It wouldn’t be that odd for them to chat…right?

Besides, they could’ve just been politely making conversation. What was wrong with that?

Merlin poured himself more wine and downed the glass in one go before filling it up again. He was going to need lots of alcohol to get through tonight if that was how Arthur was going to behave.

“You alright there, Merlin?” 

Merlin turned around to see Gwen entering the kitchen. She had her oven mitts on and was in the midst of transporting more food outside.

“I’m good,” he lied. “Do you need any help?”

“Don’t worry about,” Gwen waved him off. “Go mingle. Have fun! I’m almost done.”

Merlin nodded and left Gwen to it.

True to her word, Gwen had everything ready in a jiffy. 

A clinking of metal on glass echoed around the room and the buzz of conversation died down as everyone turned to the source of the sound. 

“Dinner is ready, everyone,” Gwen announced. “Please help yourselves!”

For the occasion, Gwen and Elyan had procured foldable tables that they used to extend their dining table, but even that wasn’t enough to accommodate all the people in the flat. As such, dinner was meant to be free and easy with the food lined up on the table in a buffet style. Guests could either find a seat somewhere or stand and partake in their food. 

Merlin filled up his plate with an assortment of food, piling it high with turkey, ham, and even a slice of beef wellington (Gwen looked to cook and had really gone all out for this dinner, slaving away in the kitchen for the better part of the last two days). Plate in hand, he scanned the flat for an available seat. 

He spotted Arthur sitting on the sofa, deep in conversation with Leon. The spot on the sofa next to him was vacant and Merlin took an automatic step forward before wavering, remembering their encounter in the kitchen not ten minutes ago. He didn’t know Arthur would react if Merlin sat down next to him.

Just as Merlin had steeled his resolve to take a seat next to Arthur anyway, a pretty girl with strawberry blonde hair beat him to it, sliding neatly onto the sofa and pressing in close to Arthur. 

“Hey, Merlin,” Freya called, “over here.” She waved to him from her spot on the other side of the room where she had managed to procure two empty foldable chairs. “I saved you a seat.”

Sparing one last glance towards Arthur and his new companion, Merlin turned and went to join Freya. 

From his new position, he had a clear view of the sofa that Arthur was sitting on, which meant that he didn’t miss it when the blonde laid a hand on Arthur’s forearm to get his attention, nor did he miss it when the girl leant in close, her arms pressing against her sides in a calculated move that put her cleavage on display, smiling flirtatiously at Arthur.

Merlin waited with bated breath for Arthur to push her away, or to discourage her in some way. He didn't expect Arthur to be rude or to outrightly declare that he was already taken, but what he hadn’t expected was for Arthur to lean in and smile right back to her. 

“Merlin?” Freya said gently. “Are you alright?”

Merlin hadn’t realised it but his jaw was clenched shut and his fists were balled tightly, his nails digging into the palm of his hand. He immediately loosened them and straightened up, shooting Freya what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said.

“Alright…” Freya trailed off uncertainly. 

He guessed that she could probably tell that something was off with him, but that he didn’t want to talk about. She decided to indulge him by changing the subject, prattling on about one of the courses she was taking that semester, for which Merlin was grateful as he could just listen and nod when appropriate while his mind (and eyes) drifted back to his secret boyfriend.

They were sitting on separate sides of the room and though the flat was not big by any means, the distance felt like that of a gorge. 

Merlin felt like he was in a prison. It was absolutely stifling, like a humidity so intense he could feel it creeping up his body, clogging his airways and making it difficult to breathe. He was stuck, glued to his uncomfortable plastic chair, watching some random girl flirt with his boyfriend, and worst still, watching his boyfriend flirt right back. 

And there was nothing he could do about it. 

Merlin could get up and storm over, sure. But Arthur wasn’t out and despite how tempting it might’ve been, Merlin would never out someone in such a way. And besides, Gwen and Elyan deserved better than to have Merlin make a scene at their party.

So all that was left was for Merlin to sit there and stew. It was like a slap in the face, watching Arthur flirt with the girl—Sophia, he’d thought he heard her introduce herself as—right in front of him. Did Arthur know? Did he even care?

Sophia was currently twirling a lock of hair around her finger and staring at Arthur coyly from underneath her eyelashes. And Arthur, well, Arthur looked like he was encouraging the attention.

Merlin was dimly aware of Freya chattering away beside him and he dutifully responded at what he hoped were the correct moments but he just couldn’t tear his eyes away from that cursed sofa that, while more than big enough for two, seemed to get smaller by the second with the way Sophia was draped all over Arthur. She trailed a teasing finger down the length of Arthur’s arm all the way to his wrists…

That whore.

If looks could kill, Sophia would be dead ten times over with the way Merlin was staring daggers into her soul. He was mentally cursing her and imagining various rather satisfying scenarios of him crossing the room and declaring to her that Arthur was his and then snogging Arthur in front of everyone to stake his claim. Or perhaps of her getting hit by a bus. He really wasn’t picky.

Deep down though, Merlin knew that he wasn’t being fair to her. She didn’t know that Arthur was taken. She simply saw a seemingly available man—who was so handsome it should be a sin, and rich to boot—and pounced at the opportunity. Who could blame her? Anyone in her shoes would’ve done the same. Hell, Merlin probably would have.

And even if she had known that Arthur was taken, it was Arthur who was in the relationship. It was Arthur’s responsibility to let her down and remain faithful to Merlin. Not hers. Arthur was the one who should be held accountable for his actions. Sophia wasn’t the one who had made Merlin any promises.

But Arthur has never made you any promises either, a traitorous little voice whispered into Merlin’s ear. 

All of a sudden, Merlin felt stifled, like he couldn’t breathe.

“I'm sorry,” Merlin said, abruptly interrupting Freya mid-sentence, “I’m not feeling too well. Could you help me give my apologies to Gwen? I think I’m going to call it a night early.”

Freya looked at Merlin in concern. “Are you sure you’re alright to get home alone? I could walk with you” she offered.

“No, it’s alright. I probably just had too much to drink on an empty stomach. The fresh air would do me good, I’m sure.”

“If you’re sure…”

“I am,” Merlin insisted.

He excused himself and left, depositing his half-eaten plate of food on an empty surface on the way out the door. He left in such a hurry, refusing to look back even once, that he didn’t even realise he missed seeing Arthur’s eyes follow him on his way out. 

When he stopped out the building, the gust of cold air was like a shock to his system. He took a huge breath and closed his eyes as he felt the icy burn travel down his windpipe. 

He took off down the street, his mind in a foggy haze. It was a good thing that the route home from Gwen’s flat to his dorm was so familiar that he could ‘walk it in his sleep’ because he was certainly testing that theory now.

Merlin didn’t really remember his journey home but he did make it back safely. When he let himself into his room, Will was right where he’d left him earlier, at his desk typing out an assignment on his laptop. 

Merlin dumped his bag on the floor with a loud thud and threw himself face-first onto the bed, bouncing a couple of times from the force at which he hit the springs.

Will looked up from his laptop and studied Merlin silently.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked.

Due to circumstance of sharing a room, Will and Merlin had become close friends and though they didn’t often talk about things that truly mattered, Merlin felt a rush of gratitude towards his roommate for reaching out in his time of need. 

And somehow, without quite meaning to, everything came gushing out of Merlin as he spilled the beans on everything that was going on with Arthur.

He told Will about meeting Arthur through Gwen and Elyan and how he was immediately attracted to him but didn’t know if he was into blokes. He talked of their first kiss at the club and finding out that Arthur was in the closet. He talked of how he had been secretly seeing Arthur for months behind everyone’s back.

And finally, he told Will all about the party he had just returned from and how Arthur had no only ignored Merlin all night, but had flirted with another girl in front of him.

When he reached the end of it, he was utterly exhausted. He was so emotionally spent he felt like he could sleep for a week. 

Merlin knew that Will had a thing about rich blokes—having had a complicated history with them that had resulted in his father declaring bankruptcy and subsequently throwing himself off a bridge—so he fully expected Will to go on a rant about how Arthur was just another rich wanker and who only cared about himself like all rich people do and what else was Merlin to expect from such a bloke?

Which was why it meant all the more to him when Will simply swallowed down his usual tirade and said, “Anyone who treats you like that doesn’t deserve you, Merls.”

Chapter Text

Merlin ignored Arthur for days after the party. 

Arthur: Why did you leave the party early?

Arthur: Merlin? Did you get home ok?

Arthur: You’re making me worried.

Arthur: Ok, I know for a fact that you’re alive so why aren’t you responding to my messages?

Arthur: Stop ignoring me dammit!

Arthur: Merlin?

Arthur: MERLIN!

Text upon texts flooded Merlin’s phone screen, all from Arthur, but they all went unanswered. He didn’t have the energy to deal with Arthur at the moment, and a small part of him was feeling vindictive enough that he thought Arthur deserved to stew for a bit.

He knew it was childish but he couldn’t help it. 

Bang, bang, bang.

Someone was pounding on the door. 

“Merlin?” came a shout from the other side of the door. “Merlin, I know you’re in there.”

Ah, so Arthur had finally had enough of the cold shoulder. 

“Merlin, open up!” Arthur yelled.

Merlin didn’t budge from his place on his bed.

Will must have taken pity on him, either that or he was tired of listening to the racket, because he got up and moved towards the door. “I’ll get rid of him,” he said.

Will yanked the door open abruptly and Arthur must have been about to knock again because he accidentally hit Will in the face when the door suddenly swung open. 

“Oi!” Will yelled. “Watch it!”

“Is Merlin there?” Arthur asked in lieu of an apology.

“What’s it to you?”

“I need to talk to him.”

“You know you’re being a public nuisance with all the noise you were making?” Will crossed his arms across his chest and stared Arthur down.

“Look, I just need to talk to Merlin.”

“Well, Merlin ain’t here so you can go back to whatever posh hellhole you came from,” Will said shortly, making to slam the door in Arthur’s face.

Arthur’s hand shot out to stop Will from closing the door. “Please,” he said.

“Will,” Merlin called out, “it’s fine. Let him in. I’ll talk to him.”

Will turned to look at Merlin and raised an eyebrow in question as if you ask if Merlin was sure he knew what he was doing.

“I’ll be fine,” said Merlin.

“Suit yourself,” Will shrugged. He opened the door wider to let Arthur in. “I’ll give you two some privacy.” He went back to his desk to grab some of his stuff and with one final menacing glare towards Arthur, he headed out of the room, shutting the door behind him and leaving Merlin alone with Arthur. 

The click of the door closing was deafening and silence descended upon them. Merlin refused to be the one to break it. Arthur was the one who was in the wrong here, not him.

“You’ve been ignoring me,” Arthur said, letting out a groan of frustration once he realised that Merlin wasn’t going to speak first. 

“Mm,” Merlin hummed noncommittally. 

“I’ve been texting you,” Arthur continued. “Did you get the messages?”

“I did.”

“And?” Arthur stood rigidly facing Merlin, his muscles tensed as if gearing for a fight.

“And what?”

“Merlin!”

“Arthur!” Merlin mockingly mimicked him.

Arthur ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “Just— Just tell me what’s wrong so that I can fix it.”

“You know what’s wrong.”

“If I did, I wouldn’t be here, would I?”

Merlin shot a pointed look at him. “The party? Sophia?” he stressed, enunciating every syllable and dragging it out. 

“I—”

“You flirted with her, Arthur!” Merlin exclaimed, unable to hold it in anymore. Everything that he’d been keeping bottled up just burst forth from within. “In front of me! I had to sit there and watch, and there was nothing I could do without causing a huge scene and outing you to everyone at the party.”

“Merlin, I—”

“Do you know how that made me feel?” Merlin barrelled on. He was on a roll now and he wasn’t about to stop. “Like I was just a dumb kid. Like I didn’t matter. You made me feel small and insignificant, like the dirt beneath your shoe. I never thought I would let anyone make me feel this way, but you did, Arthur. You made me feel that way.”

Arthur looked ashen and ashamed. He bowed his head towards the floor, avoiding Merlin’s gaze.

A part of Merlin (the petty part he wasn’t all that proud of) felt a vindictive sense of victory.

“You were the one who convinced me to go,” Merlin said, pointing an accusing finger at Arthur, “and yet you didn’t say a single word to me!”

“We talked in the kitchen!” Arthur immediately defended.

“Yeah, sure,” Merlin chuckled darkly. “If you call you brushing me off talking.”

“I just didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”

“I think you mean the right idea,” Merlin stated bluntly.

Arthur didn’t have a defence to that. He opened his mouth to speak but no response came out. He looked helplessly at Merlin, unsure how to proceed.

“People know that we know each other,” Merlin continued, this time more defeated. He was exhausted from the fighting and the hiding and the lying. He didn’t know how long more he could keep this up. He’d like to believe that being with Arthur was worth all of it, but he wasn’t sure anymore. “You gave me a lift home that one time. Gwen suggested it! Our friends know that, at the very least, we managed the car journey to Cornwall and back. It wouldn’t be the strangest thing in the world for us to be friends after that. But you…you wouldn’t even look at me in front of the others. Let alone talk to me. Why did you even want me there if you weren’t going to say a single word to me?”

Arthur seemed to collapse into himself. His shoulders hunched over and he hung his head low. “Merlin, I…”

This time, Merlin didn’t interrupt. He simply stood his ground and stared Arthur down, waiting for Arthur to speak. For all his previous displays of pettiness, Merlin knew that if he had any hope of maintaining a proper relationship, he at the very least needed to let Arthur explain himself. He had said his piece, and now, Arthur needed to say his.

“Merlin, I’m so sorry,” Arthur agonised. He trailed off, looking at a lost for words.

Merlin waited several beats for Arthur to continue but it appeared that Arthur needed a little prompting. “We were at a party, Arthur,” he said. “Aren’t you meant to mingle at parties? It wouldn’t have been strange for us to just…talk. I wouldn’t have said anything damning! Don’t you trust me?”

“I didn’t trust myself,” Arthur revealed, looking defeated. “I didn’t trust myself to talk to you and not give anything away. When I’m with you, I—I can’t help but be drawn to you. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. You know I can’t control myself when I’m around you. I’ve had to hide for so long… My father, he would never accept it. He would never accept me if he knew. He would disown me in a heartbeat and I just— I couldn’t trust myself around you. No one can know, Merlin. If even the slightest hint of it got back to my father…”

Merlin felt for Arthur, he really did, but he didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He knew what he’d agreed to when he entered into this secret relationship with Arthur. Arthur wasn’t out, and Merlin wasn’t going to be arsehole who pressured him to do so before he was ready.

But he didn’t know. Not really. It was as if the rose tinted glasses he seemed to have worn through the early days of their relationship were finally wearing off.

He was young and naive and he’d thought that he could handle it. That as long as he had Arthur to call his, even if only in the privacy of each other’s company, he would be content. He'd thought the magnetic pull between them would be enough to carry them through. 

Oh, how foolish he had been. 

He’d never imagined that it would feel like this. He’d thought that as long as he had Arthur, he would be able to weather any storm. It didn’t matter if no one else knew about them. He knew. And that was enough. But he’d naively didn’t anticipate what it would feel like to have Arthur disregard him in public. The rejection he’d felt…It’d cut like a knife.

Perhaps he should’ve known better. Arthur had warned him that no one could know. If Merlin hadn’t been so wrapped up in his giddy happiness, maybe he would have given more thought to just what would mean—what it would entail. Maybe then he would have been better prepared.

Was he being too harsh on Arthur? Merlin had promised that he wouldn’t push Arthur to come out. He was working within the parameters of Arthur’s comfort zone, and he’d sworn he would be okay with it. 

Had he overreacted?

No. Arthur didn’t have to treat him that way. Not only did he ignore Merlin and brush him off all night, he also flirted with another woman.

“And Sophia?” Merlin couldn’t resist asking. He had to know. “You were flirting with her!”

“I wasn’t flirting with her!” Arthur defended. “She was flirting with me.”

“Fine,” Merlin said, deciding to give Arthur the benefit of doubt for the moment. “She was flirting with you. But you certainly did nothing to discourage her. In fact, it looked like you were enjoying it!”

“She’s a beautiful woman—”

Merlin cocked an eyebrow at that. Un-fucking-believable. Was Arthur trying to dig himself into a deeper grave? How was he attracted to this idiot?

“Oh, shut up, Merlin. She’s an objectively beautiful woman and you know it. I may not be physically attracted to her but I’m not blind.”

Merlin huffed in annoyance but conceded the point. He still maintained, though, that he had the right to call him an idiot.

“She’s a beautiful woman,” Arthur started again, “and she was flirting with me. What single man wouldn’t let that happen unless they were gay? It would have been too obvious if I’d brushed her off.”

Merlin was getting angry again and he opened his mouth to argue back, but Arthur rushed to continue.

“—but it was the wrong thing to do,” he admitted. “I was wrong. You’re right, Merlin, I shouldn’t have encouraged it, and I’m sorry.”

Merlin nodded but kept quiet. He felt the fight leave him, the burning need to yell back and make a fuss dissipating like a long sigh. Now, he just felt drained. 

After several moments of silence, both of them staring at each other waiting for the other to make a move, Merlin let out a sigh. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Arthur,” he confessed. “I know I said I won’t push you to come out before you’re ready, and I’m not trying to, but you didn’t need to make me feel that way—like I was a piece of dirt under your shoe. That was your choice.”

“Merlin, please,” Arthur pleaded. “I promise I’ll do better. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I can’t lose you, Merlin. I—” He still couldn’t say it. Those three little words. Three simple words that held so much meaning.

As Merlin took in Arthur’s pleading eyes, so desperate they were glistening with tears, he felt his heart soften. They never did talk about what Merlin had whispered quietly into Arthur’s ear that night in his mum’s kitchen. With Arthur pulling away after, Merlin had thought he’d screwed up, that he’d scared Arthur off. It had definitely played a part in feeding his growing insecurity about their relationship, and Arthur’s behaviour at the party certainly hadn’t helped matters. But maybe he had let his insecurity get the matter of him. Maybe Arthur wasn’t ready to put his feelings into words, and maybe he wasn’t all that good at expressing them either, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel them. And for now, that would have to do because Merlin wasn’t ready to give Arthur up either.

“Alright,” Merlin said softly, giving in. 

The relief on Arthur was palpable. His shoulders sagged as if a heavy weight had just been lifted off and were now unburdened. “I’ll do better,” he promised again. 

The sound of their phones vibrating cut through the air—both Merlin’s and Arthur’s. A quick succession of buzzing alerting them to multiple text notifications in a row. A quick peek at the screen told them why.

“Look’s like it’s midnight,” Arthur said with a tentative smile. “Happy new year, Merlin.”

“Happy new year, Arthur.”

“To new beginnings?”

Merlin let himself be pulled in for a new year’s kiss.

The kiss started out soft and slow; a tentative press of the lips, both of them unsure where they stood with the other, nervous about their place. But the aftermath of the fight was still swirling around them in a whirlpool of emotions and soon the kiss turned desperate, a hard clash of tongues and teeth with wandering hands reaching anywhere they would touch just aching get closer to one another.

Clothes came off and were scattered around the room without care of where they landed and Arthur backed Merlin further into the room until his knees hit his bed and he was set tumbling backwards, gravity and momentum pulling Arthur down with him. By the time Arthur landed on top of Merlin on the bed, they were both down to just their pants which they make quick work of. Condoms and lube were retrieved and preparation was done swiftly, out of mere necessity than actual foreplay, both of them too desperate to be closer it was as if they were trying to crawl into the other’s skin. There was no time to savour the journey, there was only here and right now.

Merlin welcomed the new year by welcoming Arthur into his body and for the time being, all was well.

Chapter Text

Following their big fight, things mellowed out for awhile. 

They spent the following weeks walking on eggshells around each other as they slowly rebuilt their relationship. But rebuild their relationship they did. Merlin may not have had much experience, but even he was wise enough to know that real relationships took effort, and he put the work in. 

Arthur made it easy too. He was charming as ever, shooting Merlin that gorgeous smile of his that made Merlin’s heart want to melt into a puddle. He wined and dined Merlin, not that Merlin cared for the fancy experience, but he appreciated the sentiment all the same. Arthur was trying, and that gave Merlin hope. 

The days were filled with laughter and fun, the nights with strolls through the park, hand in hand, as if they didn’t have a care in the world. And the late nights, those were the best. They were spent curled up in the warmth and safety of Arthur’s sheets, skin pressed against skin as they explored each other’s bodies and took pleasure in it. Merlin learnt all the things Arthur liked in bed and in turn, he also learnt what he himself liked. 

It was freeing and exhilarating and as the time stretched on, distance made the insecurities seem like a foggy memory. 

This, Merlin thought, was happiness.

So that, of course, was when everything came crashing down.

“Why are you being like this?” Merlin asked, his voice raised as frustration got the better of him.

“Being like what, Merlin?” Arthur replied impatiently.

“Unreasonable!”

“Oh, so I’m being unreasonable because I don’t want to spend my evening surrounded by a bunch of twenty-year-olds? Forgive me for having a full-time job and wanting a quiet and peaceful evening at home.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it! I just want you to meet my friends, that’s all. You’re my boyfriend. You’re important to me, but so are my friends. Is it so bad that I want the important people in my life to get to know one another? If this about you not being out, they don’t even know who you are so it wouldn’t matter that you’re not out to your friends! Or you could just meet them as my friend, not my boyfriend.”

“I’ve met your mother, Merlin. Isn’t that enough?”

“That’s different!” Merlin protested. 

“Stop sulking, Merlin,” Arthur tutted.

“I’m not sulking! I’m simply trying to convey to you why this is important to me but you’re not even listening!”

“You’re being childish and needy,” Arthur snapped.

“I—” Merlin spluttered in shock and indignation that Arthur could be so casually cruel to him. 

“Look, maybe you’re too young to understand. Maybe if we were closer in age…”

“Maybe if we were closer in age what, Arthur?” Merlin shot a glare at his boyfriend. “Then you’ll meet my friends because you wouldn’t consider them lowly art students and therefore beneath you?”

“Now you’re just twisting my words.”

That argument never did get resolved. Merlin simply got tired of fighting and left Arthur’s flat to meet his friends—alone.

Things were rocky again after that. They were arguing more and more, picking fights about little things just for the sake of it. 

The make-up sex was phenomenal, but with each blow up, even that seemed to have diminishing returns. This wasn’t healthy and he didn’t know how much longer he could take it. Arthur was sweet and kind and caring and gorgeous to boot—all the things Merlin could ever want in a partner. And their sexual chemistry was off the charts. But underneath it all lurked something else, and Merlin didn’t understand it. Anything that even remotely suggested their relationship moving in a more serious direction caused Arthur to panic and shut down. He would lash out and push Merlin away. 

Was it commitment issues? Some kind of deep-set internalised homophobia from his paranoia of his father finding out? 

Or, a dark part of Merlin’s mind whispered, was it just Merlin? After all, Arthur was the kind of bloke who probably did his shopping at places like Prada while Merlin was stuck with Primark. What hope did Merlin had to keep Arthur interested?

Merlin would like to think that he was able to be the one to help Arthur through it all, to be the support he so desperately needed as he navigated this mess. But truth be told, Merlin had had it easy. He’d never had to go through what Arthur was going through. His mum, bless her, had accepted his sexuality readily, embracing it as she did with everything else Merlin deemed important to him. So he didn’t know what Arthur was feeling or going through, not really, and nothing he tried seemed to help. 

Arthur’s oscillating moods were starting to give Merlin whiplash. Something was going to have to give.

Perhaps Arthur was right and that Merlin was too young for him, too immature to deal with this. After all, Merlin himself had his own insecurities and Arthur behaving the way he did was bringing those insecurities to the surface. The longer it went on, Merlin felt more and more that the problem lay with him. That he wasn’t enough for Arthur. Because if he were enough then everything would be okay, wouldn’t it? All relationships had their problems but surely if Merlin were good enough, there wouldn’t be this growing chasm between them—this nagging feeling that Merlin was inadequate and not enough to make Arthur happy. 

The last straw came on Merlin’s twenty-first birthday.

Gwen had so kindly offered to host a birthday for Merlin at hers and Elyan’s flat. Merlin and Will’s dorm room would’ve been too small for any sort of gathering, and Merlin very much appreciated the gesture. He was looking forward to spending the night surrounded by all his friends. His mum had even taken the train into London just for the occasion. 

Gwen and Elyan were there, of course, it was their flat after all. Freya was there along with some of Merlin’s other uni friends. Will was there too despite his dislike of strangers. 

Elyan’s friend Leon had even shown up to wish Merlin a happy birthday. He’d brought along with him a pack of beer to contribute to the party and mingled easily with the rest of Merlin’s friends.

Leon introduced himself to the younger group with a casual ease that made something in Merlin ache with longing and a bucketful of wistfulness. Merlin looked hopefully to the front door, almost expecting it to open with the arrival of a new guest, but the door remained firmly shut.

Arthur had said that he’d be here. 

All Merlin wanted for Arthur to show up. It was his birthday for heaven’s sake. Why couldn’t Arthur let his feelings for Merlin win out over his fear for once?

Still, Merlin was determined not to let Arthur ruin his night. 

Dinner was a boisterous affair. Between Hunith and Gwen, they’d prepared quite the feast, and between the good food and the wine being passed around, spirits were high. The flat was filled with the delicious aroma of food and the ringing sound of laughter as they joked around with each other and reminisced of funny stories (mostly involving Merlin because he was the guest of honour). All in all, it was a great party. Everyone was having a wonderful time.

Everyone but Merlin.

As Will was leading an off-key rendition of Sweet Caroline, Hunith came up behind Merlin and put her arm around his shoulder. 

“What’s wrong, love?” she asked quietly. “It’s your 21st birthday! It’s a big day, you should be enjoying yourself.”

“Why?” Merlin answered bitterly. “I’ve legally been able to drink for the last three years.”

“But still, it’s a big number, Merlin. It’s meant to be fun.”

“I’m alright, mum.”

“Is it— Is— Is your friend Arthur coming?”

Merlin froze. Was he that obvious? Then again, his mother had met Arthur.

“I don’t think so.” Merlin shook his head.

“Oh, my darling boy.” Hunith knew that she wasn’t going to get anything more out of Merlin but she pulled him into a comforting hug. “I love you.”

“Love you too, mum,” Merlin mumbled into Hunith’s shoulder.

Merlin let himself sink into the embrace, the warmth of his mother’s hug making him feel like a child again despite how much taller than her he now was and he tried to reign in his tears. His eyes flickered over to the door again, but still, the door did not open.

Merlin should have been happy. It was his birthday. His mum had come all this way to celebrate it with him. His friends had organised a party for him and had all shown up to spend the night with him. He should have be happy.

But what did you do when the one who meant the most to you was the one who didn’t show?

He just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing—that something being Arthur, the one he wanted to celebrate with more than anyone. Even now, hours late, if Arthur would just burst through the door with that charming smile of his that made Merlin believe that everything could be okay, Merlin was certain it would feel like a million little shooting stars had aligned, and all would be well again. 

The cake was brought out—a traditional Victoria sponge topped with twenty-one candles that Merlin was eyeing warily as it looked very much like a fire hazard—and they all gathered round the table to sing Happy Birthday. 

He snuck another glance at the door. 

Merlin sighed internally and suppressed his disappointment. He looked around the table at the smiling faces of the people who had shown up for him today, the faces of all those he loved and cherished. There was one face missing. He pressed his lips together tightly and forced a small smile. Closing his eyes, he made a decision, and with a deep breath he blew out his candles. 

As the night turned into the wee hours of the morning, the party wound down. Hunith was the first to leave, wanting to get back to her hotel to get some rest before her train early in the morning. Slowly though, the rest decided to call it a night as well and one by one they trickled out of the flat. 

Merlin stayed behind to help Gwen with the clean up—it was the least he could do, after all, seeing as the mess was made on his account. Gwen tried to shoo him away, saying that it wasn’t necessary and that she’d get to it the next day, but Merlin was adamant. It wasn’t like he was looking forward to going back anyway. 

When there was nothing left to be done and no more excuses to dither, Merlin gave Gwen a parting hug, thanking her for opening up her home for the party. 

Will had left already, wanting to catch some shut eye as he had a class in the morning, so Merlin was left to walk back alone. 

He didn’t really remember how he got home—the exhaustion of the day seeping deep into his bones that he was moving on autopilot—but Merlin eventually made it back to his room. 

He took off his shoes and changed out of his clothes, going to to sink in the corner of the room to brush his teeth. Just as he sat down on his bed, ready to turn in for the night, the screen of his phone lit up with an incoming call.

Arthur.

After a moment’s hesitation, Merlin hit the answer button and brought the phone up to his hear and waited. He wasn’t going to speak first.

“Merlin,” came Arthur’s voice over the speaker, “I’m sorry.”

Merlin waited several beats to see if Arthur was going to elaborate, but it seemed that even Arthur knew he couldn’t justify what he’d done. 

Releasing a sigh, Merlin finally broke his silence. “I’m sorry too,” he said.

Without waiting for a reply, Merlin cut the call off and switched his phone off. 

He placed his phone on his side table, taking the care to set it down quietly so as not to wake Will who was currently snoozing in the bed next to him, and he settled under the covers. He pulled his duvet tight around himself, almost as if trying to make a cocoon to hold in all his feelings and keep him in one piece.

Merlin didn’t sleep well that night.

Chapter Text

In the days following Merlin’s 21st birthday, Arthur kept calling but Merlin never picked up the phone. His text messages went unanswered as well. 

A week later, Arthur showed up at Merlin's dorm again. 

This time, though, instead of loud banging and angry shouting, Arthur was more quiet—resigned. He knocked and called for Merlin, but Merlin just ignored him. 

Will was in class and not around to help intercept Arthur and tell him to leave, and Merlin had no desire to face Arthur after all that has happened. Perhaps that made him cowardly, but Merlin was just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to convince Arthur to let go a little more, tired of not being enough. 

This time, Merlin was determined to stick to his guns. He’d decided at his birthday party that he’d had enough of being treated like this. He couldn’t go on anymore being in a relationship that was sucking the soul out of him. And Arthur…Arthur had a way of charming anyone he set his sights on, and Merlin wasn’t confident of his willpower to resist him if he saw him again. He had to love himself more than he loved Arthur.

And so, his only solution was to wait Arthur out.

Eventually, Arthur must have grown tired or decided that Merlin wasn’t in, and he left. With his departure, all that was left was silence, one that seemed to echo through Merlin’s soul.

The room was quiet once more, but it was far from peaceful.

~~~

Time passed very slowly for Merlin.

He spent days not leaving the room, instead lying in bed crying into his pillow. Will tried to coax him out but to no avail and resorted to bringing food back to their room so that Merlin wouldn’t starve himself to death. He’d even stocked up on some of Merlin’s favourite snacks in an attempt to entice Merlin to eat, which had led to Merlin drowning his sorrows in jelly babies.

A bone-wary exhaustion had settled over him, sinking its roots in so deep Merlin wasn’t sure he was ever going to be able to escape. He felt despair, he felt sadness, he felt failure. And when he wasn’t feeling all of that, he was just emotionally numb. 

He didn’t have the willpower nor the desire to get up and do anything. He could feel himself wasting away but there was nothing he could do to stop it. He just didn't have it in him.

Will did the best he could to bring Merlin out of his shell. He was a godsend during Merlin’s darkest period. He tracked down Merlin’s course mates to get their lecture notes and assignment details so that Merlin wouldn’t miss out on his education and he would sit by Merlin just so Merlin wouldn’t be alone. He hadn’t even said ‘I told you so’, a fact that Merlin was immensely grateful for. 

Arthur wasn’t the only one Merlin had been avoiding, however. He’d also been ignoring his other friends. 

The door to his dorm room opened one day and in came Gwen. 

“Merlin?” she called softly into the room. She took a tentative step in and closed the door, unsure if she was welcomed. 

“I’m here,” Merlin mumbled his reply from somewhere buried underneath his blankets.

“Your phone has been off and no one’s seen you in over a week,” Gwen said, her voice filled with concern. “What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Gwen.”

She hesitated before replying, “You know you can tell me anything, right? I won’t judge.”

“I know,” Merlin assured her. “I just— I can’t.”

“Alright,” Gwen conceded. “I don't know what’s been going on with you but maybe some fresh air will do you some good?”

“Not today.”

“I’m sorry, that came out wrong. That wasn’t a request, Merlin,” she said in the sternest voice she could manage, which, considering Gwen was the nicest girl one could ever meet, wasn’t saying much, but it did get the point across that she meant business. “You reek. When was the last time you’ve had a shower? Poor Will! Having to deal with your stench. Now get your pretty arse in the shower and we’re going out.”

When Merlin didn’t make a move in the time frame she’d deemed acceptable, Gwen marched over and physically dragged Merlin out of bed. Gwen, being a lot smaller than Merlin, would normally have a much harder time with that task, but seeing how Merlin hadn’t been eating well and didn’t have much energy to fight her off, she managed just fine.

She turned towards his closet and pulled out some clean clothes for him which she dumped in his arms before shoving him out the door towards the communal showers.

“I’ll wait here,” she said.

Having no choice but to obey, Merlin did as he was told.

When he’d come back to the room, now clean and looking much more presentable, Gwen beamed at him, her smile lighting up her face in a way that Merlin couldn’t help but smile back at her. 

“Come on,” she said, “it’s a nice day out. Let’s go talk a walk round Regent’s Park.”

Merlin walked to his closet to pull out a scarf. Nice day as it was, it was still winter and he needed the extra layer to protect against the biting chill of the wind.

He reached automatically for his favourite red scarf only to come up empty. It was only then that he realised that he’d left it at Arthur’s sister’s flat that one time they went over and he never did get it back. Feeling a pang in his chest at the reminder, and he grabbed a different scarf—a blue one instead—and shut the closet door perhaps a little too roughly.

He wound the scarf around his neck and grabbed his jacket from where it was hanging off a hook on the wall and then he followed Gwen out the door. 

They walk through the streets towards Regent’s Park in silence and it was only when they had entered the gardens proper that Gwen spoke up again.

“Is it a guy?” she asked.

Merlin gave her a look of surprise.

“It’s just…you were really happy awhile back. And then you were sort of troubled, and then now…” she trailed off. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I respect your privacy, Merlin, really I do, but I just wanted to say that whoever it is that’s got you in such a state is clearly blind not to appreciate what an amazing person you are and they can go do one!” Her speech got faster and faster the more she rambled on and by the end of it was almost breathless and had to take a big inhale to replenish her oxygen supply.

“Gwen!” Merlin exclaimed, scandalised by her language. He’d never known Gwen to have a bad thing to say about anyone.

“It’s true! You’re wonderful, Merlin! And anyone who doesn’t see that, well, it’s their loss, really.”

“Thank you.” Merlin gave Gwen a small smile. He really appreciated her support.

True to her word, Gwen didn’t pry anymore after that, content to enjoy the gardens in peace. They walked side by side in companionable silence, simply basking in the rare winter sunshine. 

Merlin was glad for it as it gave him the space to think.

Walking along the winding path, Merlin thought back on his months with Arthur. Despite how things ended, he still couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Regardless of all that happened, he didn’t think that Arthur was a bad person. 

Merlin felt that he could see the person inside of Arthur—the person he truly was. The one that was kind, and loving. The one who worried when Merlin was too busy studying or painting to look after himself. The one who cared so much about everything. The one that, perhaps, cared too much sometimes.

It was like there was a whole different person inside of Arthur just waiting to burst out but the Arthur who was raised by his father kept him stamped firmly down. Merlin just wished that whatever feelings Arthur had for him were stronger than whatever fear he felt about his homosexuality. Perhaps then things would have been different. 

As much as Merlin had wished otherwise, maybe he wasn’t the one who was meant to help Arthur through it. Maybe it was something Arthur needed to do on his own, on his own terms. Merlin only hoped that for Arthur’s sake, that he would manage it. Somehow, someday. Despite all that had happened, Merlin knew that Arthur was a good person deep down, if only he could get past the emotional damage his father had inflicted upon him, and Merlin did hope that Arthur would find happiness. 

Merlin reached a hand up absentmindedly to stroke at the fabric of his blue scarf. He wondered if Arthur kept his red one, if he still had it now, or if he’d chuck it out. He thought about Arthur and what Arthur was doing right in that moment. Was Arthur thinking of him too? Did he miss Merlin? Was he hurting just as much as Merlin was?

Merlin felt like their relationship had been so significant, so big. Theirs was a special connection and Merlin knew that as a fact like he knew his own name. Surely Arthur had to be affected by it too. Even now, Merlin still felt like he’d met his person in Arthur, just, maybe, at the wrong time. 

Or maybe it wasn’t meant to be and Merlin was just being a sappy romantic. Maybe it was his wishful thinking and making this all out to be something bigger than it really was. Only time would tell.

One thing Merlin knew for sure, though, was that most people never forgot their first love, and Merlin would remember his all too well.