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"Insane!"
"Heretic!
"Lunatic!"
"Mad woman!"
"Monster!"
Il Dottore was not new to these types of insults, having heard them ever since his childhood, from strangers, to teachers, to even his own parents. Of course, it hurt him a little, especially while being a little kid that did not understand why people called him that. Now that Dottore is older, maturer, and more ""aware"" of social clues, he sees why people called him that and exiled him, him going as far as to join in the insults.
"Wow! Thank you for pointing that out, I'll take your constructive criticism to account!"
"Oh my, delusional bastard ? Now that's a new one!"
"Lunatic, madman, disgrace... If you're going to insult me, be a little more original!"
He went as far as changing his name to Zandik, which means heretic, heresy, non-believer. A fitting name, isn't it? Described him perfectly. Shame that he was only able to use it for some few years before getting expelled and recruited to the Fatui, being addressed as 'The Doctor' instead. But it's not a bad name either, it brought a laugh from his mouth when The Jester suggested it, the irony being too funny not to contain his laugh.
Now that The Doctor thinks about it, when was the first time he was insulted in that manner? He has a very vague memory of dissecting a small, fatally injured bird as a child. It was one of his first experiments.. No, experiment isn't the right word, as Dottore wasn't trying to prove a point, just trying to explore and understand the little bird.
Either way, his parents got mad, as any parent would, honestly. Seeing their child kill a small bird and dissect it with no ounce of empathy or self-awareness would be terrifying. So they beat him up as punishment, saying insults and how disappointed they were to have such a disgrace as their daughter son.
It wasn't the first time he was called weird and unusual, not fitting the societal norms of how a child should act. Too quiet. Too weird. Too small. Couldn't socialize no matter what. Too wrong-
Of course, that happened centuries ago, so it didn't really matter. Still, The 2nd finds it unfair how the Sages of the Akademiya have done much worse for more praise.
'No' A thought interrupts his line of thinking 'No, you deserve it. You deserve it more than anyone. You were harmed as a kid, sure, but what of the hundreds of children you traumatized over and over again? Just because one is worse, doesn't make you any better. You monster- No. Less than a monster, you-'
He stopped the thought before it could continue any further. Only after noticing how stiff his body was.
Taking a deep breath, The Doctor sits up slightly, focusing on his vision to see through the darkness for the sake of finding his infamous bird-like mask, putting it over his eyes. His masks always felt like a comfort item, made him feel more safe, less exposed to the world. More right.
Right next to him, on the same bed, The Regrator stirred from sleep due to Dottore's sudden movement. Both of them had extremely light sleep, always staying on guard due to their dangerous duties as Harbingers, so it isn't surprising to see the banker awake from mere movements.
"Mmm..?" Pantalone hummed in sleepy confusion. "Zandik, why are you awake..?"
"Go back to sleep, it's nothing to worry about." He replies nonchalantly
"You have your mask on." Pantalone points out, his voice now getting concerned.
"And? I always have it on."
"Not always, you never use your mask when going to sleep." Dottore's hidden eyes widened in surprise a little, he never expected The Regrator to observe his mannerisms the same way he did to the other, like, for example, always noticing how Pantalone would fidget with the expensive rings in his fingers whenever he was in a meeting.
It takes a while for The Doctor to come back from his thoughts "Well, I'm not asleep right now."
The 9th sighs "That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it."
The 2nd thinks of a reply, perhaps he thinks too long before Pantalone impatiently pulls him closer, face to face.
" Are you okay ?"
Dottore's body visibly stiffs at the question. He was only asked that some few times, and yet, he never had an answer for each and every time.
Regrator frowns at the hesitation, pulling the other closer. Close enough to feel each other's embrace, but not close enough for Zandik to get uncomfortable.
The silence remains both comforting and uncomforting. The 2nd's urgency to give an answer is getting stronger and stronger with each passing second that remains unanswered.
And yet, Pantalone waits patiently. Allowing his partner to formulate a response at his own pace.
"I.. I am fine. Of course I am fine, I'm the 2nd of the Fatui Harbingers! Why do you ask me that?"
"Look, Zandik, I may not be as smart as you and your segments. But even a mortal such as I can notice that something is clearly wrong." He sighs "I'm not going to push you any further if you aren't comfortable with telling me. Just.. Know that I am here if you need anything, okay?"
"..."
" Why ..?" Dottore asks in a broken voice
Pantalone's eyebrows raise in both confusion and surprise. He has never seen the other so emotionally vulnerable like this.
The Doctor, no, Zandik took a deep breath and then continued. "Why? Why is it that you treat me so kindly when I don't deserve it? If anything, I deserve to rot in hell for all eternity! I torture children as a job for fucks sake! So why? Why don't you avoid me like the others? Why do you keep coming back to me again and again despite knowing that I'm dangerous? Despite knowing that.. I am a monster ?"
The banker's gaze softened at that, and thus came out a response:
"Who's to say that I'm not a monster either?"
Zandik's eyes, hidden within the mask, widen at that response. He expected a lot of things, maybe praise, maybe something corny like 'Because I love you', but not this.
The 9th continues, amused at the other's reaction "Dear, I'm a terrible person too. I've killed people, poisoned people, destroyed their lives. I brought indecent amounts of debts onto others, as if my family didn't go through the same situation during my childhood. Hell, I've actively funded your experiments! I've seen the worst humanity. I've been the worst of humanity. Does that make me unworthy of you too?"
A clear liquid secreted by the lacrimal glands flows through the scientist's face before he could even stop it. Why is he crying? He has never cried due to emotions for years, maybe even decades! Why now? Why is it that those specific words pierced right through his heavily modified heart?
The Regrator smiles, happy that his Zandik is finally letting his emotions out for once instead of being stubborn and letting it all in.
"...Do you want a hug?" He asks carefully, wanting to make sure that the other is comfortable with that
Zandik gives a small nod. And yet, despite the consent he still flinches a little when Pantalone hugs him, still unused to this type of affection.
It felt like a dam broke, too much blue to hold before finally crashing into pieces. The scientist burying his head in the other's shoulder, arms tightening so much, almost as if he didn't, Pantalone, his Pantalone, would go away.
Pantalone gently pat Zandik's back to bring some comfort. Sounds of ugly, yet genuine, cries filling the bedroom.
"It's okay."
"Let it all out."
"I'll be here with you, no matter what."
"You are safe. No one will hurt you."
"I promise."