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Hyunjin had always tried his best to avoid mirrors whenever it was possible. Covering the mirror with a towel when he went to shower, or turning around in the practice room so he didn’t have to see the reflective surface. Nobody questioned him for it, reflections could be unsettling, and it just seemed like Hyunjin was more disturbed by it than others. So they always gave him room to what he wanted when it included mirrors, but on some occasions when they had a choreographer over, he just pushed through, turning around the moment they were done with reviewing whatever it was. The knowledge that he was able to turn away from it soon enough always comforted him and kept him from panicking, not that any of the members knew that he felt like panicking whenever he looked at them for too long.
Today they was the second day of shooting the Lonely st. music video and it would be mostly focused on the individual shots. It started off fine, Hyunjin didn’t need to be there until later because he only had to shoot in one place, easy enough.
Well he had misspoken. The moment he had stepped foot on the set, he had seen the box he was supposed to shoot in. Even from where he was standing he could figure that all the sides on the inside were mirrors. It would mean no wall without mirror, and no escape until he was let out.
He tried his best to ease his nerves when the stylist did his makeup and fixed his hair for the shoot. When he finally had to change into his outfit he didn’t enjoy how some of it was a little restricting, but he couldn’t do much about that.
Right before he went on the set he noticed Jisung had arrived. He wanted to walk up to the shorter, but was ushered towards his box before he could even make the decision to move his body to him. The director quickly explained to him that he wanted him to look lost and hopeless before the see-through box was opened and the staff gave him a soft nudge towards it and soon closed again.
He shut his eyes as soon as he was inside, keeping them closed did help some, but the inevitability of seeing those mirrors surround him kept him on edge. He knew that they would probably ask him to look around at some point. He had heard the instructions clear enough.
They let him keep his eyes closed for some part of the shoot, even giving him a compliment through the one-way mirrors on his hopelessness. He found it ironic, they thought he was a great actor, the opposite was true, he wasn’t even able to hide the fact he felt wretched, it just happened to be the exact emotion they were looking for in this scene.
To keep up the illusion that he was acting, he carded his hand through his hair and stopping halfway to grab it in a frustrated manner, before removing his hands again. Hyunjin let his head fall back against the mirror wall behind him. The uneasiness in his gut never seized as the time went on.
“Hyunjin-ah, could you open your eyes and look at your own reflection?” He head the staff say, but he acted as if he didn’t. It didn’t work, because the staff just repeated the question louder, with her volume now, he couldn’t pretend as if he didn’t hear her say that, then it would just be rude.
Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, immediately regretting it as the panic that had simmered in his gut started to boil up in his chest. He stared at his reflection, the infinite amount of Hyunjins stared back at him with a weirdly disconnected but still panicked look. He never liked looking at his own reflection, too scared that something might pop out from behind him. It might have had to do with some stupid prank some of his friends in middle school had pulled on him. Looking back now, they weren’t actual real friends.
As he looked around the mirrors, he felt his eyes begin to prick with tears that would inevitably fall, there was no arguing against that even if Hyunjin didn’t want to admit it out loud. Some time when he had opened his eyes he had lost focus on what happened outside the evil box – evil box because this this was evil, go argue to a wall if you think differently – and he didn’t hear if they were giving him instructions. His focus had changed to not panicking instead of trying to look like he was acting, it didn’t matter to him anymore if it might not look good for him, he didn’t have the energy to care right now. But the longer he kept his eyes open the harder the anxiety in his chest started to boil.
Until it boiled over.
The tears that had been threatening to fall now full on cascaded down his cheeks, ruining the make up that had been applied to his skin so carefully not even half an hour before. He moved his head down, hiding it in between his knees as he sqeezed his eyes shut and put his hands over his ears. His body shook with every sob as his body screamed for air. He didn’t know if he was screaming or if he was just holding his mouth open, he was too far away to hear or feel it.
Seconds might have passed, but it could have also been minutes. No staff came to get him out, but Hyunjin was too panicked to know or realize that it might not be a good thing. His knees started to feel damp where the tears fell on them, as if his body was making a weak attempt at grounding him in some way. All Hyunjin could think about was the fear of whatever those mirrors could hide.
Somewhere, someone had opened the box, their hands now wrapping around his body in, what he guessed was, an attempt to lift him out of the box. He felt he was put on the ground somewhere, leaning against the persons chest, their arms wrapped around his body and their legs around his legs. He became aware of the fact that he was indeed actually screaming, the noise finally reaching his brain as the touch of the skin on his grounded him.
“You can look now, you’re away from the mirrors.” Their voice calmingly rung in his ears and slowly he was able to identify who it was that was calming him down. He fully opened his eyes now, noticing that he was a few meters beside the box. The second thing he noticed was the platform shoes worn by the person he was leaning against. They were tall, more like the thickness Jisung or Changbin would wear to seem the same length as Minho or Chan. But the arms around him were thin, and sturdy, grounding him. They were nothing like the beefy, strong biceps like Changbin. “Han-ah?” He softly called out. “It’s me, Jisung’s here.”
Finally the last of the tension left his body and he fully relaxed against Jisung’s chest. Now that he knew who it was he could fully relax. “Are you alright now, Hyun?” “I don’t know…” It was soft as a whisper, Jisung would have missed it if he wasn’t listening for an answer. But instead of continuing to comfort him like Hyunjin kind of expected him to do, he stood up. “Ill be right back, just stay there.” With those words Jisung stormed off with clenched fists. Hyunjin turned around, too stunned to move away from his spot and just watched it unfold in front of him.
“Why didn’t you take him out of there, huh?!” Han might have been shorter than the staff, but right now some of them were cowering as if he towered above them. “You just watched when he was panicking in there and did nothing! All because you wanted to finish that stupid shot!” Hyunjin wasn’t close enough to see his face, and even if he was closer, Jisung had his back facing towards him so it was impossible to see what emotions were playing on his features. He felt his heart warm at the thought of a member defending him like that, especially Jisung, who was usually too anxious to tell a staff member his clothes weren’t comfortable enough. But he also felt uneasy at causing a scene just because he was placed in a box with only mirrors for walls. It didn’t feel big enough to cause such a problem. He didn’t make a move to stop Jisung, though, he just watched, too drained from what just happened to actually care too much about this.
Right when it looked like Jisung was going to say another thing about keeping an eye out for whoever was acting at that moment, Chan had stepped towards the commotion, putting a calming hand on his shoulder, keeping him from saying anything. “Let’s just agree that Hyunjin is done for today and you will just do what you can with the footage you got.” And when the staff gave a shocked nod, he turned to Jisung, leaning in a little closer. Hyunjin couldn’t make out what he said, but whatever it was, it made Jisung visibly let go of his anger and turn around to head back to Hyunjin. He silently took his spot behind Hyunjin again, his limbs once again encapsuling his body.
“You won’t have to do that again, they’ll use whatever they can. Now how about we get you back into your comfortable clothes and back to the dorms?” Jisung ushered him, his chin hooked over Hyunjin’s shoulder. “But I wanna watch your shoot.” There was a slight whine in Hyunin’s voice and the words were slurred, probably because he was tired from the panic attack. “We can also do that if you really want to.”
When Hyunjin looked back up from his lap, he noticed that the doomed box had been moved out of the way for Jisung to start his individual shot. He stayed seated for a little while longer, relishing the comforting warmth of the youngers body. Then, when Han got called to the make-up station to do some last-minute touchups, he silently got up and held out a hand for Jisung to take. But instead of letting go when the rapper had found his footing, he gave a soft tug and hugged the latter, hiding his head in the crook of the other’s neck. “Thank you.” He could feel Jisung start to smile slightly as his cheeks widened to touch his exposed neck. “Hey, it’s nothing okay? You were clearly uncomfortable and I just had to do something.” Now it was Hyunjin’s turn to smile, his head still safely tucked away in the crook of Jisung’s neck.
“Now come on, let’s go watch me try to and fuck up some attempts at a nice shot for this music video.” Hyunjin giggled as he untangled himself from the hug and followed Jisung to the make-up station.