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Yoongi was strung so damn tight, that finding his favourite mug in shards was enough for him to snap. He was in the middle of his exams and he was functioning on one and a half hours sleep, he was not going to put up with this.
Yoongi had been using the same mug for drinking coffee for about a year, it was the one shaped like a minion from 'Despicable Me' with the top of its head cut off. He liked to imagine he was drinking the insides of the wretched thing. He fucking hated minions but he loved the mug because it was his only way of expressing his extreme spite towards them.
That morning he was not surprised to emerge from his room to find six other people in his kitchen. That was the thing with his group of friends, the five that didn't live with him and his roommate, Namjoon, seemed to think that they did.
However, when he came out of his cave, what surprised him was that he was met by six pairs of wide eyes, all of the other boys were frozen in their positions, as if they were in a still-frame of a movie. Instead of the usual 'IT LIIIIIIIVES's and the 'holy shit, we thought you moved away or something's, he found his friends in some sort of circle formation, not daring to move. Yoongi was suddenly unsettled, they were definitely acting guilty, judging by the way they stayed stock-still, as if believing that if they didn't move, Yoongi wouldn't see them and be on his way.
"Okay", Yoongi sighed, "what the fuck happened here?"
"Nothing!" Jimin was the first to pipe up, but he replied a little too fast, "nothing happened."
Yoongi nodded. Something definitely happened. What happened? Yoongi was gonna find out because damnit, they all look far too guilty. He was certain it had something to do with whatever was in the centre of their circle shape.
Well, there was a lot of possibilities, an animal, a dropped phone, food, an infant...
"Oh my god, don't tell me it's a dead body", Yoongi groaned, he was about to cry.
"What? No-"
"What did I tell you, Seokjin? I told you so many times to stop bringing them to me, I don't want to be involved anymore! Do you know how scary it was to have to move houses because the police nearly caught me?"
"Yoon-"
"I didn't even kill the guy! You're the one that dragged his bloodied corpse over!"
"Yoongi, please-"
"I had never dug such a deep hole in my life. How did you even kill the guy? He didn't have any trace of a neck nor feet when we buried his remains. Y'know what? I'm such a great friend. I actually helped you bury a body."
"YOONGI!" All six other boys yelled his name at once to gain his attention again, making Yoongi jump. The blond boy was sleep deprived and running on a mixture of black coffee and energy drinks; it showed.
"It's", Namjoon sighed, "it's not anything like that. And what were you just saying about a dead body? Remind me to ask you about it later."
Before Yoongi could question them, they shifted from their circle form to open it up for him to see.
Yoongi's stomach dropped when he took in the sight in front of him. There was the mug he used every morning, afternoon and night, basically whenever he needed that boost of caffeine that homemade coffee provided. Except, instead of its normal minion shape, it was shattered into about twenty shards and so was Yoongi's heart and soul.
As much as he hated those small yellow monstrosities, that mug was what kept him sane. He was determined to bring justice to this incident.
This was so not swag.
"Who did it?" His voice was a whisper.
Silence was their answer, they were scared of the way his voice lowered and dripped with a dangerous tone, expression unreadable. The last time they witnessed him actually angry was back in high school when one of Jimin's classmates was unrelentingly teasing him about how 'weird' his 'chubby hands' were and Yoongi yelled at him for a bit before literally pushing him off a bridge.
The six suspects shifted uncomfortably while looking at each other, it seemed like whoever did it didn't want to own up. And the others were such good friends that they didn't want to rat them out. Friendship is disgusting.
"Look, mate, we can get you another one!" Jeongguk reasoned, waving his hands dismissively at the mess on the ground and heading towards to front door. There was a gust of air and Yoongi was suddenly standing between the door and Kook's figure, making the younger reel back into Jimin's arms in surprise. Jimin silently thanked every holy entity in the sky.
"Nobody leaves", Yoongi looked up at his imbecile friends, "until I find out who did it."
There was a round of gulping sounds (they were like large goldfish) and nervous fidgeting before Yoongi pounced without warning.
-
"Yoongi, this is kind of ridiculous, don't you think?"
Seokjin laughed nervously as Yoongi tightened the knot keeping his wrists bound together. He had all six of the suspected offenders in a row in the living room, all of them tied to chairs using a ridiculous amount of rope Yoongi found in the closet that Namjoon had bought 'in case of zombie apocalypse' or something like that.
"Not at all", he said before straightening back up, brushing imaginary dust off of his lap.
All of his victims squirmed uncomfortably in their rope binding, Jimin was the only one with duct tape over his mouth because he whined the loudest. The others then learned not to be noisy and annoying. Yoongi returned to the front of the room and grabbed something from behind the TV set, he turned to face his friends but kept it behind his back.
"Now", he started, "I'm giving another chance. Who did it?"
Silence. Not even a muffled 'mmf' from Jimin. They all avoided eye contact and ceased their squirming. That was probably a good idea too, too much movement woul have caused rope burn anyway.
"Very well", Yoongi murmured, bringing out the thing he was hiding behind his back.
It was a Nerf gun. Not a very large one, it had a barrel with eight slots and it shot foam darts with rubber points with just enough trajectory to leave a stinging red mark on skin. Yoongi watched all his friends' faces contort in confusion as he opened up the empty gun barrel.
"So, have any of you heard of Russian roulette?"
There was a burst of sudden protests, Jimin's 'hrmmmph's and Hoseok trying so hard to escape his chair, he almost knocked himself over, Namjoon visibly broke into a sweat. The noise was suddenly silence by Yoongi's finger being placed over his lips. He almost laughed out loud at their terrified expressions as they watched him load a single lethal blunt dart into the barrel before spinning it rapidly and clicking it back into place at random.
"Since you all won't tell me", he fiddled with the trigger, "I'll just ask you individually."
The soft padding of his feet against the timber floor was the only sound in the room as Yoongi took a few slow steps towards Namjoon. The younger of the two still had a few drops of sweat on his brow as he looked up at Yoongi with a stony, unreadable expression.
"Kim Namjoon, who broke my mug?"
The sweat droplets crawled their way down the side of his face at an achingly slow pace.
"I'm gonna need an answer. No beating around the bush or I won't hesitate to..."
Yoongi gripped the gun properly, aiming it right at Namjoon's privates. It was only about an inch away from coming into contact with the crotch of his jeans.
"... shoot."
Jimin may have passed out for a few seconds before regaining consciousness. Namjoon's eyes widened as they flickered from the gun, to his crotch, back to the gun, and then back up at Yoongi. His throat felt drier than the Saharan Desert.
"You wouldn't do it, Yoongi. You don;t have the stomach for it", he all but croaked.
Yoongi didn't like stallers.
"Oh, but I would."
He pulled the trigger as the gun made a loud sound. There was a collection of screams from the other members, utter horror was displayed on their faces but none looked as stricken as Namjoon. Although, it was a blank, no bullet came into contact with him, but it was the fact that Yoongi had not hesitated to shoot him and possibly destroy his pelvis shocked him the most.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Jeongguk's eyes were wider than normal, "YOU COULD HAVE SHOT HIM IN THE DICK!"
"That's kind of the point", Yoongi said, not looking up from the gun as he pulled it away from his friend's crotch area. That was when Namjoon passed out. His eyes rolled back before shutting and his skin lost all colour.
"Yoongi, you don't have to do this! We can easily replace it!" Seokjin was seeking order as well as the safety of his testicles.
"It's less about the mug now and more about the principle", Yoongi deadpanned before he moved away from his unconscious friend and made a note-to-self to check if he was still alive later.
He closed in on his next suspect, Hoseok. Said boy squeaked and went rigid when the gun was pointed at his unmentionable area.
"Hoseok", Yoongi drawled cautiously, making the other look at him, "who broke my mug?"
Hoseok blinked a few times at him before he gulped, his Adam's Apple bobbing. He stuttered something akin to 'I don't know'. Making Yoongi tut him before pulling the trigger yet again.
Another round of screams pursued, the loudest coming from Hoseok himself, followed by quiet sobbing. Another blank, bullet-less shot.
"I want my mum", Hobi wailed as his legs pulled at the ropes tying him down. Yoongi moved the dart gun away and pet the younger's head with a dismissive 'you're alright, chill'.
Yoongi returned to the front of the room, eyeing up the suspects. Namjoon was an unresponsive ragdoll in his chair, Hoseok was crying quietly and muttering things like 'mama told me there'd be days like this', Jimin was still squirming in his seat and let out a bunch of 'mmph's in varying volumes. Seokjin and Jeongguk both looked nervous, yet they seemed to have steeled themselves for the worst case scenario; getting their balls hit with a rubber dart. Taehyung looked a little confused and Yoongi wondered if he had a grip on the situation at all.
"So, nobody is actually going to tell me? Really?" He waved the Nerf gun around in mild exasperation, making them all flinch and this time Hoseok really did tip over. He fell with a clattering noise, Jeongguk quietly paid homage to his fallen brother with a ballad version of Jason Derulo's 'Watcha Say'.
Yoongi sighed as he untied Hoseok, who was still crying, and carried him to his bedroom bridal style. He tucked him into bed and kissed his forehead before shutting the door behind him on the way out. He had been through enough.
"Alright, where were we-"
He had returned to the living room to see Jeongguk in a half-standing position in his chair, his left leg free and hovering slightly over Seokjin, Yoongi had no idea what they were trying to do. Taehyung's chair was tilted forwards and the younger had his face smushed against a blushing Jimin as he attempted to remove the tape on the other's mouth with his own teeth.
Upon noticing his presence, they all fell back into their original places, Jeongguk even slipped his leg back into the rope as if it had never left. Another sigh left the blond as he untied Namjoon and laid him down on the couch, yes, he was breathing. Good sign.
"You guys know I'm not actually a kidnapper", he almost laughed, "I'm still your friend. Even if one of you did shatter my mug like you shattered my hopes and dreams." He loosened Seokjin's ropes around his wrists so they didn't dig in too much and elected to ignore Jeongguk's obviously free leg.
"If you were a true friend, you'd untie us and maybe not threaten to shoot us in the dick", Taehyung grinned extremely wide and fluttered his eyelashes, but Yoongi would not be swayed by the prettiness. Even if he did see a halo glow around Tae's head and pink cherry blossom petals blew past them in a gust.
"And if you were a true friend", Yoongi spoke as he approached a still 'mmmh'-ing Jimin, "you would tell me", he reached for his face, "who the fuck", he gripped the corner of the tape, "SHATTERED MY MUG", he pulled the duct tape, ripping it off Jimin's mouth along with what little facial hair adorned his face.
There was a half-second delay before Jimin's body registered what had just happened. A high-pitched scream followed.
"DUDE, THAT HURT!"
"WHO BROKE MY MUG?" The gun was back, aimed directly at Jimin's package. It was Jimin's turn to fall silent, he gulped audibly. The gun came closer, "just tell me, Jiminie", Yoongi pressed, attempting to stare him down, but the younger refused to make eye contact with him.
"N-no. I'm not g-gonna answer that."
Jimin's eyes scrunched shut and his whole body flinched when Yoongi's Nerf gun made another 'BANG'. But no bullets this time either, another blank. This time Jeongguk and Taehyung were the only ones screaming, Jin had shut his eyes and willed himself to return to his happy place. If you listened really hard, you could here him whispering things like 'I'm here, Jjangu, it's okay' and 'yes, I would love to be a judge on Masterchef'.
Jimin let out a breath he had been holding and slumped in his chair, "god, that was both terrifying and tiring."
"Yeah, if only someone would tell me who did it and this could all be over", Yoongi hummed and continued to untie Jimin, who then slivered down to the floor as if he had melted into a gooey puddle. Yoongi stared for a while.
"What the hell are you doing? Get up."
"Yoongi, I would if I could. I got too scared and now I can't move my body", Jimin's tone suggested that he was serious. Yoongi wasn't too sure.
Nonetheless, he still half-carried half-dragged the younger boy to the couch and gently laid him down on top of Namjoon so it looked like they were cuddling. Yoongi was more Minjoon than Vmin if he was completely honest. With a sigh and a quiet 'warm', Jimin fell asleep on top of Namjoon. After taking about 15 pictures of the sleeping couple, Yoongi returned to the last three surviving suspects. He had them lined up in their chairs, Seokjin, Jeongguk, Taehyung, all of them were sweating. Four slots had proven to be empty and four were left. The dart could have been in any of those four slots.
"Jin-"
"Oh my god, you're kidding."
"Will you please tell me who broke my mug?"
Once again, Yoongi's dart gun was aimed towards a crotch. This time, Seokjin's dong was on the line.
There was no response, "Seokjin."
The eldest had his eyes shut, muttering a quiet prayer to Mother Mary.
"Seokjin."
"Amen."
"SEOKJIN!"
"What is it, Yoongi?" He finally looked up at the other. Yoongi almost bitch slapped him.
"Answer my question, please."
"Ah, yes, well, you see, in the beginning, I did not believe I had the power within me to say 'no' to you and refuse response. But since I have spoken with both Mother Mary and Lord Jesus, I can safely say that they have helped me see things within myself that I would never have seen without aid and really, I have seen the light."
Yoongi blinked as the elder grined almost innocently at him.
"No, Yoongi, I will not answer your question", he was still grinning as he awaited his inevitable fate.
Yoongi cursed in frustration under his breath as he went to pull the trigger but Taehyung's scream stopped him.
"YOONGI, PLEASE DON'T!" Taehyung looked like he was about to cry.
"What? Wh-"
"DON'T INJURE JIN'S DONG, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND I WOULD NOT BE VERY HAPPY IF YOU WERE TO MEDDLE WITH ITS PHYSICAL STATE!"
"What kind of gay shit is your friendship built on?" Yoongi looked back down at Jin for answered, who just shrugged. Yoongi looked back over at Taehyung.
"Well, Tae, if you don't want me to possibly shoot Seokjin's dick, please tell me who shattered my mug."
Taehyung stared at him before pursing his lips, he closed his eyes and nodded. In the corner of his peripheral's Yoongi could see Jeongguk giving Tae a look.
"It- it was Kookie. He broke your mug."
Jeongguk let out an inhumane shriek and his eyes bulged from his head. Yoongi was about to shoot Jeon's crotch instead when the younger made noises of protest.
"Please, Yoongi! It wasn't me! Taehyung's lying!"
He looked desperate and thrashed around in his seat.
"Who was it then?" The dart gun was about ten centimetres away from Jeongguk's private area.
"Uh, um, u-um, Namjoon! It was Namjoon! You know how clumsy he is!" Nervous laughter followed.
Yoongi did agree that Namjoon was clumsy as hell, but Jeongguk was a much worse liar.
"Yeah, right, okay. Jeon Jeongguk, you present a super convincing case and I totally believe you", He pulled the trigger. It was a blank, but Jeongguk still jerked in his chair before falling into hysterics.
He hiccuped something like 'Yoongi, why?' and 'you scared me' and 'you fucking bitch, wait until my father hears about this'. He untied to crying baby and placed Jeongguk in a large basket. He was still crying and cursing Yoongi's very existence as the older boy carried him outside of the apartment and placed the basket in front of the door of some apartment door down the hall to them. He rang the doorbell and ran back into the safety of their apartment.
"Where's Jeongguk?" Seokjin called as Yoongi shut the door behind him.
"In safe hands, I hope", Yoongi picked his Nerf gun back up and returned to business.
"Okay, but seriously, who did it?"
Taehyung and Seokjin stared at each other and then back at Yoongi, both mouths were sealed.
"DAMN, FUCK YOU GUYS", Yoongi shot at both of their crotches, Taehyung had it easy with a blank shot.
But Seokjin.
Everything fell into slow motion as the dart left the Nerd gun. Taehyung screamed, Yoongi yelled, Seokjin's eyes were closed as he murmured some more prayers to the heavens, Jimin snored, Hoseok turned in his bed and down the hall, you could hear Jeongguk sobbing.
However, when the dart hit Seokjin's privates with a satisfying 'THWACK', the elder did not react. His eyes were still shut as Taehyung softly screeched.
He opened his eyes.
"The Lord hath blessed me with balls of steel."
"Shut the fuck up, Seokjin, damnit."
-
In the end, Yoongi untied them and Taehyung was tentatively poking at Seokjin's privates while asking his crotch area if it was feeling alright.
Yoongi decided to curl up into bed and sleep away his worries before getting up to study the next day.
Namjoon came to a few hours later, just when the sun was starting to set. He found Jimin still wrapped around his front, sound asleep, and despite the fact that he couldn't feel his legs and Jimin was a bit too heavy for comfort on his diaphram, he couldn't bring himself to wake him up. He fell back asleep to the sound of the younger boy's snoring.
Jeongguk was returned back to them the day after by the person living in the apartment Yoongi had ditched him at. The neighbour, Suzy, thought he was cute and when he re-entered their apartment, he was wearing a maid costume instead of the clothes he left in. He seemed to be enjoying himself.
Hoseok was his usual perky self, but as soon as he saw the discarded Nerf gun in the living room, he let out a throaty scream and dived out the window.
-
"Yoongi?"
"Yeah, Hoseok?"
"I was the one that broke your mug."
"I FUCKING KNEW IT!"