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nico just wanted to stay in bed.
hear him out — it’s been a week . he’s been going in and out of the infirmary for check ups with will ( gods , he’s just as much of a regular in there as percy is). he’s had more classes to teach on sword fighting (which, whose idea was it to have him and percy teach together? that’s a recipe for a nightmare ). will has been giving him more archery lessons (fuck archery. sorry, apollo). the hecate cabin has continuously dragged him to their cabin to try and figure out if he can do some death magic or whatever (of course he can? hello, son of hades over here).
all in all, he just wanted to stay in bed. some peace and quiet. was that too much to ask for?
knock knock.
oh, of course it is. who is he kidding?
“i’m trying to sleep! ”
he hears the door open slowly, and tries not to give a sigh of disdain as the person slips inside, gently shutting the door behind them. “i swear, jackson, if you try to get me to see if a skeleton dog can be stable on a skateboard one more time— ”
there’s a soft chuckle that makes him pause, and he feels the person sit down next to him on the bed. “ that’s one i haven’t heard of before.”
nico relaxes. will .
sweet, wonderful will. will is nice. will can keep him company. maybe he’ll give nico a kiss or two for all of his troubles throughout the week.
“you can tell me about that when getting out of bed, hm?” will turns nico over and raises his eyebrow at him. “you have been stuck in here for nearly four days now.”
oops. did nico forget to mention that the week in question was the previous week, and this is a whole new week?
nico groans and hides his face against a pillow. “this is rather homophobic of you.”
“leo should have never taught you that phrase,” will grumbles. “not every minor inconvenience is homophobic, dumbass.”
“it is if i’m gay. and i am.”
“you’re ridiculous.”
will shifts and gently tilts nico’s face towards him, brushing his bangs up from his forehead, a concerned look on his face. nico’s stomach churns at the sight – he doesn’t like making will concerned. or upset. or angry. or any non-positive emotion. will sighs, mumbling, “is there something that’s botherin’ you in particular, darlin’?”
“no.” nico grits his teeth before taking a deep breath and reminding himself to calm down. will hasn’t done anything wrong. will just wants to help. that’s all.
(he hates asking for help. he hates seeming weak. after all he’s been through, and he’s still got all these problems? what else could the fates possibly have in store for him?)
(( that is a rhetorical question. dear fates, please don’t actually take that up as a challenge. ))
“then why are you refusing to come out of your cabin? you’re only eating whenever i or someone else gets you a plate.”
“i’m not—” nico sighs. “i’m not — doing it on purpose.”
“so something is wrong, then.”
will’s fingers gently run down the side of nico’s face, tapping at his skin rhythmically, and nico can’t help but give a little smile at recognizing it as an old italian lullaby his mama used to sing to him and bianca. he had told will about it when he had woke up from a rather upsetting nightmare, and will had sung or hummed it to him ever since. it makes him feel safe.
“this clearly is not something physical,” will whispers, and nico can see a dim glow around will, indicating that he was using his powers to check on nico. anyone else, nico would’ve taken his sword out. but will is… will. will’s perfect. will couldn’t do anything wrong. wouldn’t do anything wrong. or anything to hurt him. “i’ve healed all your wounds from… there . and your journey back with the statue.”
“and i haven’t hidden any wounds from you either, tesoro ,” nico promises. he can’t lie to will. he’s always been and always will be honest with me. he’d do anything for him.
will’s quiet for a moment, his hand moving up to run his fingers through nico’s hair. nico offhandedly thinks about how he might need a haircut soon — his curls were already beginning to obscure his vision again.
“i… i think this may be more of a mr. d issue.”
nico freezes.
he looks up at will in betrayal and hurt, trying to shake his hand off of him. “why? you — you think i’m broken? or crazy? is that what it is?”
“darlin’—”
nico feels sick. has will thought that this whole time. that he was some broken, crazy demigod that needed to be sent off? that he needed to talk more with a shrink, who so happened to be dionysus , who is also the god of madness ? he already talked to him enough. was this some kind of sick joke?
but will is perfect . how could will have thought this? where did this come from? what made him think this way? did nico do something? gods, he’s such an awful boyfriend. did his friends think this, too? percy, annabeth, jason? kayla, austin, leo, piper? frank, thalia, reyna? gods, did they even consider him as a friend? what about hazel? hazel probably thinks he’s the worst excuse of a sibling to ever exist—
“ nico. look at me, hon’.”
nico jerks, sitting up and staring up at will with wide eyes. will’s face doesn’t indicate anything — there’s no disgust or horror whatsoever. just gentle concern.
“you’re gettin’ caught up in all those bad thoughts and it’s causin’ you to spiral,” will says gently. he holds his hands out in front of nico and asks, “can i touch you?”
nico breathes in shakily and nods, and will smiles softly as he places his hands on nico’s cheeks. his hands are warm, surprisingly soft — will’s thumbs swipe at his cheeks, and nico belatedly realizes there’s tears streaming down his face.
gods. he’s really fucking pathetic.
“ah, ah, i can see that brain of yours gearing up to fall apart again,” will scolds lightly. “look at me. talk to me. you are okay, and no one is going to leave you. no one hates you. i am not leaving, nor do i hate you. i don’t think of you as broken. i promise.”
“s-swear it?” nico gasps out, hands shooting up to grip will’s wrists. “swear it. please .”
will lets out a small sigh, and nico’s breath hitches. he’s not going to, oh gods, he’s lying—
“i swear on the river styx that i have never once thought of abandoning you, hated you, or thought of you as broken or crazy,” will states firmly, and nico hears a soft rumble of thunder in the distance, shoulders sagging with relief.
will’s telling the truth. he’s not lying. he wouldn’t have lied to him .
“nico…”
will’s moves one of his hands to the back of nico’s neck, thumb now rubbing against nico’s nape. “are you feeling a bit better?”
“a… a little.”
“good, good.” will shifts slightly and takes a deep breath. “first, you understand that i do not see or think of you as crazy, broken, insane, any of that stuff that your mind is producing for you, yes?”
“y-yes.”
“so you know that when i mention it being a mr. d issue, it does not mean that i don’t think of you as that?”
nico licks his lips and nods slowly. there’s still a pit in his stomach, but will’s reassurance is helping to settle it, bit by bit.
“it’s the same way that i tell leo to continuously come by the infirmary,” will says gently. “i do not think of him as broken. i know he is alive. but the physician’s cure is something used so rarely, that i would rather be sure that there are no side effects.
“and so,” will continues, leaning forward and giving nico a small kiss on the nose, making nico smile just a bit, “physical side effects are not the only thing that occurs. mental side effects occur. it’s natural with trauma. however, i am not a therapist, nor a psychiatrist. it’s not my specialty.”
“but…” nico blinks in confusion. “you know about trauma.”
“i know about how trauma affects the body ,” will corrects. “i know about people being into shock. i know the physical tell-tale reactions of a flashback. that’s all physical. but mentally? no, no. that’s mr. d’s specialty.”
“yeah,” nico grumbles distastefully. “the god of madness. sure.”
“enough of that,” will scolds sternly but gently. “technically, the goddess of depression, anxiety, and the like is oizys. the difference is that dionysus – er, mr. d – understands the suffering that people go through. it’s summed down to ‘insanity’ and ‘madness’, but you are not mad nor insane.”
nico takes a deep breath. okay. cool. will is still reassuring him that he does not think of him as mad or insane. “so… so he’d help with… mental… problems.”
“mental health,” will corrects. “mental illnesses. trauma. the like.”
“but…”
“would you believe me if i said that jason speaks to him on occasion?”
nico blinks. “he does?”
will nods with a smile, hands moving down to rub nico’s arms. “mhm. and leo. annabeth. me. even percy has spoken to him once.”
“ percy? ”
“surprising, isn’t it?” will chuckles. “and i know you’ve been talking to him on occasion, to figure out these nightmares from… there. you do realize it’s just a more descriptive version of this, just about certain details?”
“oh.”
“i typically keep patient confidentiality from within the infirmary, but, we’re all so open about this type of stuff that it’s not an issue.” will moves so that he’s fully sitting on the bed in front of nico, and not twisting his body to face him. “all of us have ptsd to some degree. there’s no doubt you have it as well. of course, adhd is across the entire camp. depression and anxiety is extremely common, too. which, of course, could apply to you.
“annabeth’s got ocd,” will hums, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to think. “piper’s been working on her kleptomania. honestly, the entire hermes cabin also most likely has kleptomania, i know the stoll brothers have it. leo’s been trying to assess whether or not he’s got pyromania, or if it’s just a side effect of his powers. percy has hallucinations. mr. d and i are trying to figure out if i’ve got bipolar with psychotic features, or straight up schizoaffective.”
nico’s head feels like it’s spinning. he didn’t know what half of those meant. ocd? schizoaffective? bipolar? kleptomania and pyromania? adhd, ptsd, anxiety, and depression have been talked about so much around camp that he understands what those are, and he can begrudgingly agree that he most likely has all four. but what in the name of his father are the rest of those?
“oh, shoot, forgot that you were born in like, the 30s!” will gasps, shaking his head at himself. “okay. i can give you the long explanations or the short explanations.”
“er — short, for now.”
“that’s alright, darlin’,” will chuckles. “okay, so. ocd is obsessive-compulsive disorder. there’s obsessive thoughts, and they’re like, typically something that could not ever happen. but then there’s compulsions, which is what someone does to get rid of these obsessions. you might have seen annabeth continuously tap her laptop a certain amount of times before opening it, yeah? she does that compulsion because one of her obsessive thoughts is that if she doesn’t, then daedalus will revive, reopen the labyrinth, and invade the camp.”
nico hums, trying to think back on it. that… makes a lot of sense, actually. annabeth liked to tap or knock on things a lot, and nico just never pointed it out in fear of being rude. “does it also explain her perfectionism?”
will laughs, a soft sound that makes nico relax further. “yes, actually! she says her body gets all tense and gross-feeling if something isn’t exactly how she wants it, or, depending on what it is, she thinks that olympus or camp will fall apart. she’s been getting a lot better at it.”
“okay…” nico nods along slowly, mulling over the information. “okay.”
“kleptomania is basically the impulsive and/or obsessive urge to steal, and pyromania is the obsessive urge to start a fire, or just an obsession with fire,” will continues. “pretty self-explanatory.
“hallucinations are when you see, hear, touch, smell, or taste things that aren’t actually there. so, percy has a lot of auditory and visual hallucinations. he hears some… rather unpleasant things, said by some monsters or people from the past. after bad nightmares, he may wake up and see the scene in front of him, or the death of a loved one at the foot of his bed.”
nico’s blood runs cold at that. forcing himself to open his mouth (when did it get so dry?), he whispers hoarsely, “like — like what i have after mine…?”
“pretty much,” will says softly. “similar to that, yeah. yeah.
“but. bipolar is having a depressive episode, and a manic episode. it’s basically like a switch, kinda — manic episodes are either an abnormally elevated or irritable mood. you think you’re on top of the world, that you can do anything, etc. psychotic features are just, hallucinations and delusions. schizoaffective is a trickier fine line, cause it’s schizophrenia — the whole hallucinations, delusions, etc. — with potential bipolar features. it’s confusin’ even to me; mr. d could probably explain it better.”
“oh.”
nico rubs his eyes, trying to make sense of all of what he’s been told. that was… a lot. and to think that isn’t even the half of it! “do you… think i have that?”
“bipolar?” will hums to himself, thinking. “mm… no, i don’t. i think it’s somethin’ else, but i dunno what it is. lord knows that this camp has a wide variety of mental illnesses.”
“we’re collectively like — like thanos,” nico mumbles, grinning a bit when will bursts into laughter. “thalia and percy showed me that.”
“i’m glad to know that avengers references are a thing that can be made,” will teases. his face turns serious almost instantly afterwards, and he sighs, leaning forward and adding softly, “you know that none of this means that we’re crazy, yes? it’s just… a thing that happens in life. we’re more susceptible to it, ‘cause of our trauma. and also, potentially some gene stuff, but i don’t think you want me to bore you with alla’ that science stuff.”
“ gods , no,” nico groans dramatically, snickering when will punches his shoulder playfully. “but… yeah. i get that.”
“so, will you tell mr. d that you think something else is up?”
nico sighs quietly, playing with his fingers. slowly, he looks up at will ( sweet, wonderful will who can do nothing wrong ), and nods with a shy smile.
“y-yeah. i will.”
“sit down, nico. whatever’s got you so nervous today?”
nico sighs as he sits across from dionysus, crossing his arms and huffing. he can’t help but smile a bit, though, knowing that he was one of the rare campers who dionysus called by his actual name, and that dionysus felt that it would be easier on nico to allow him to call him by his actual name and not mr. d, as well as present in his normal look.
dionysus, truly, was a handsome man without the mr. d disguise. he had bronze skin, purple eyes and hair, his curls reaching his shoulders. he still held his can of diet coke, but nico could imagine the wine glass fitting perfectly in his hand. when dionysus had told nico that he did it to spite zeus and be more in tune as a camp counselor, nico couldn’t help but cackle. upon dionysus raising a brow in amusement, nico wheezed out that him putting on the disguise of a white man to fit in as a head of camp counselor was the funniest fucking thing he’s ever heard.
either way, it got dionysus chuckling from behind his can, so a win is a win.
“well?” dionysus raises his eyebrow, tilting his diet coke can at nico. “go on, son of hades.”
nico’s silent for a moment, subconsciously rocking back and forth a little in his seat as he mulls over his thoughts. he knows that he should be open about it to dionysus. he also promised will. ignoring the growing pit in his stomach, he takes a deep, shuddering breath, and quickly says, “will thinks that i’ve got something beyond all the trauma and all that and that i should run it through you and get checked for it and make sure everything’s okay.”
dionysus blinks, letting out a small hum as he processes what nico said. “ah. so, about mental health?”
“y-yeah.” nico rubs his arm, biting his lip as he tries to get his words out. “um — we — we talked a bit — or rather, he told me — about other — other campers. our friends. and how it’s normal.”
“indeed.”
“and — and issues that i should bring up to you.”
“in that case,” dionysus muses, setting down his can. oh. he only does that when he wants to show that he’s truly listening to nico. “go on, godling. but first, did solace get you to eat?”
“er—”
dionysus rolls his eyes, albeit fondly, and waves his hand over the table, allowing for a plate full of breakfast to appear. nico grins at his plate of frittata and ricotta pancakes, immediately digging in.
“what issues in particular did solace tell you to mention?”
nico thinks for a moment, trying to remember what will had said. “well… he said abandonment was a — well, really big issue with me. that i’m more terrified of it happening than how the average mortal — or demigod — would be. and… and that i’ve got these pretty big mood swings, and my anger isn’t fully in my control yet. something about putting people on pedestals. … oh, and, uh — paranoia? i think was the word?”
dionysus is silent for a while, twirling his can on the table as nico continues to eat. nico begins to worry that he said something wrong, or worse, that dionysus was going to straight up tell him that he’s crazy, when dionysus opens his mouth—
“have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder?”
nico freezes before he takes a big, deep breath. will said that no one thinks of you as crazy. no one thinks you’re broken. you are okay. don’t let this affect you.
he shakes his head minutely, eyes downcast towards his plate as he stabs his fork. he hears dionysus sigh, and the god says, “it is not something that makes you crazy. it is a trauma disorder to its core.”
huh. well, admittedly, that kinda makes him feel better. but also…
nico swallows, whispering, “what does — what does that — disorder — mean?”
“it is a disorder that causes you to have some … difficulty, in regulating your emotions,” dionysus says carefully, gauging nico’s reactions. “it makes you rather impulsive, as well as affects the way you view yourself and your relationships with others. there are nuances to it, but that is it at its baseline.”
nico thinks about dionysus’s description for a moment, thinking back to his own behaviors and trying to connect it. “but… how would i know?”
“it can be harder to see it in yourself than others in you, because you see your behaviors as normal,” dionysus tells him. with a wave of his hand, an apple appears in his hand, and he takes a bite out of it. when he swallows, he continues, “it is why it is also called emotional dysregulation disorder.
“but, a lot of the main things that trigger it is abandonment, whether it’s real or you think it’s going to happen.” dionysus leans back, crossing one leg over the other, waving his apple at nico. “you said solace had told you that’s something to bring up. tell me about any issues with abandonment you have or may have had, godling.”
nico sets down his utensils slowly, biting his lip as he thinks back in his life to all instances.
bianca. percy. hazel. jason. leo. reyna. maybe even thalia. gods…
when he looks back up, dionysus is waiting patiently, not an ounce of judgment present in his eyes. that’s one thing nico likes about talking with dionysus – despite his demeanor around camp about he doesn’t care about them, when nico sits down with him to talk about these things, dionysus doesn’t push or force nico to hurry up. he lets nico take his time, understanding that it’s difficult for him.
“i think… the first one was bianca.”
“mm. she had become a huntress, yes?”
“yeah… yeah. she did.”
nico doesn’t notice how dionysus pulls out a notepad and a pen, scribbling on it – he’s used to it by now, knowing that it’s just a way to collectively have everything said in one place. he had joked with dionysus that he truly emulated freud, which made dionysus splutter in confusion as to how he knew about freud but not about the effects of trauma.
“now, in the same way that we talk about your nightmares, and the … pit,” dionysus says, tapping his pen against the notepad, “describe how you felt when you realized she was going to leave you. or had already left you.”
“... betrayed,” nico admits after a moment of silence. “horribly so. i felt like i was tossed to the side. and i didn’t even want to speak with her as often, or at all.”
“why not?”
“she was just… no longer the best big sister in my mind, at that specific point in time.”
“why?”
“she left me. she had left me behind for this perfect group of girls who could go off and be immortal and not deal with boys ,” nico huffs, slinking down in his seat. he’s made his acceptance with bianca’s decisions and death long ago, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still hurt to think back on. grudges were children of hades’ fatal flaw, after all. “she didn’t wanna deal with me anymore. she left me behind. she got sick of dealing with her hyperactive little brother who would just talk about mythomagic and nothing else the entire time.”
“but you knew that that is not the case.”
“i know that now ,” nico corrects. “back then, i … i didn’t. i didn’t make my peace with her decision until much later, after she… she died.”
“i see.”
dionysus hums in consideration, and nico turns back to his food, pushing it around with his fork before stabbing a piece and taking a bite. he really hated the suspenseful silence that always filled the room whenever dionysus was mulling over something and how to approach the next question.
“and after bianca,” dionysus muses, raising an eyebrow at nico, “who next?”
“it… stuck with bianca for a while, especially because i kept trying to summon her spirit and all.” nico shrugs, shoving more food in his mouth. when he swallows, he continues, “i think… the next person was percy.”
“what did that johnson kid do?”
nico rolls his eyes in amusement when dionysus pretends to forget percy’s name again, and says, “i don’t know. it might’ve been because i had a crush on him. i was worried that the one person that has always been kind to me would leave me behind.”
nico doesn’t notice when dionysus raises his eyebrows in surprise at him as he continues, “i just really wanted to impress him and, i guess, just try and get him to like me. whether that was romantically or not.”
“did you put him up on a pedestal?” dionysus asks. “think of him as the best person ever?”
nico blinks. was that not a normal reaction when they meet someone who’s just so cool and interesting? “i… yeah. i did… how’d you–?”
“i am assuming, in that case,” dionysus continues, inspecting his nails, “that you thought that he could fix everything in the world. he saved you and bianca from the manticore, he got you to camp safely, he even listened to your ramblings about that little game of yours.”
“i–”
“you entrusted him with bianca on the quest.” dionysus ignores nico’s splutters of shock. “you thought of him as this amazing hero, the son of poseidon, who could do no wrong. and then, he comes back from the quest, and bianca’s not there with the rest of them. and so–”
“i think that he’s the worst person alive, because he couldn’t have even kept the one thing i asked of him to do, and my view of him was shattered, even though it was all unrealistic to begin with,” nico whispers in shock. he glances up at dionysus with wide eyes, stumbling over his words as he asks, “that’s – that’s not – normal?”
“it is not, young one,” dionysus says in a rather somber tone. “it does not mean you are crazy. it is merely another symptom. idealizing and devaluing a person continuously, that is.”
“oh…”
nico sits back in his chair, stomach churning slightly as he thinks over what dionysus was telling him. that… that makes sense. it makes sense as to how no one understood his drastic changes in how he perceives someone. it just always made sense to him – they gave him an ick, or messed up in his eyes, and now they’re the worst person ever, and rightfully so. “i’m guessing there’s more to it?”
“there are nine symptoms total, and you only need five for a diagnosis,” dionysus confirms. “typically, it is not something that should be given out when you’re younger than 18.”
“why not?”
“you are still young, and your personality is still developing. you are still growing.”
“then why–?”
“for some people, the case is ‘severe’ enough that you can get a diagnosis before the age of 18, so long as it has been persistent for at least 6 or so months.” dionysus picks up his diet coke, taking a sip. “and you , godling, are one of those people.”
“i… i see.” nico crosses his arms with a small huff, grumbling, “i guess we can continue. what else is there to analyze about me?”
dionysus chuckles, waving his hand at nico as if he was being ridiculous. “this is not a bad thing, godling. this is only helpful.
“there is also identity disturbance – you do not have a stable sense of self or identity,” dionysus continues. “and, of course, as with most demigods, that is present. it is even more present with children of the big three. you , however – do you feel any of it?”
“i… i don’t know,” nico admits. “i’m not quite sure – what that means?”
dionysus gives nico a rare, small smile as nico rubs his forehead at all the information. how are they only at the third symptom out of nine ? “simply put, if it is stable, you see yourself as the same person in the past, present, and future, and see yourself the same even if you may… behave in contradictory ways. it can be your beliefs, the perception of your abilities, opinions, your literal behavior. personality hopping – it is the term for when you copy the person you are speaking to’s personality to make them like you more, for example.”
“ that’s also not normal?!” nico says incredulously, running his hand through his hair. he laughs at the ridiculousness of it all, at how he’s just fitting into every single criteria of this stupid disorder. “what – what’s next? constantly feeling empty is a symptom, too? blowing up in anger a lot?”
nico turns to dionysus with a grin, which falters as dionysus continues to stare at him blankly. “... you’re kidding.”
“i’m glad you are at least aware of some symptoms, despite not knowing that they are such,” dionysus says dryly. “but yes. chronic emptiness is one. inappropriate and intense anger, or the difficulty in controlling it, is another.”
“great,” nico grumbles sarcastically, crossing his arms once more. “yay. that’s five. woo .”
“there is still more, godling,” dionysus reminds. “there is impulsivity in at least two areas, from which i have not witnessed at all, nor has anyone come to me with that concern, so i will cross that out. there is recurrent suicidal or self harming behavior–”
“hurrah,” nico mumbles, “another check.”
“– as well as instability due to reactivity of your mood, wherein you experience intense episodic dysphoria,” dionysus continues, making a small note on his notepad. “your mood is unstable, and you have episodes of irritability or anxiety mixed in.”
“what makes it unstable ?”
“take the events of you leaving that school, to coming to camp, for example.” dionysus waves his hand and nico’s plate disappears, and a small plate filled with basbousa and baklava appears. nico grins – dionysus has been extremely receptive to nico wanting to connect more with his middle eastern heritage when he discovered more about his family. that isn’t to say everyone else doesn’t – but dionysus typically kept bringing in sweets and drinks from that culture to their talks. and granted, nico had always known that he was arab italian, he remembered that much from what his mama told him and bianca – but he was raised catholic, after all, and the italian side was much more prominent. nonetheless, his friends had helped him find out more and reconnect with it just as much as his italian side. “there was a multitude of events that happened, but most young demigods your age back then would either be quite excited or quite fear-stricken.
“when i heard you ramble about it to chiron, i heard the opposite,” dionysus explains as nico makes a noise of confusion. “you were extremely excited because you could relate the events to your mythomagic game. then you increased that excitement when you got to talk to that poseidon spawn. then to anger with bianca’s decision. then sadness and numbness, to excitement at apollo and his chariot. irritability at bianca when you arrived at camp. excitement when you got shown around. irritability once more, and very much so, every time the hunters were mentioned. and that was all within the time span of two hours, at most.”
“oh.” nico grabs a basbousa and takes a small bite of it. “i also thought that was normal.”
“a lot of people believe that their own symptoms are normal because it is what they’ve always known. you become hyper-aware when someone mentions it, but it does not amplify the symptoms.” dionysus waves his hand, and another diet coke appears. “the last thing is paranoid ideation, and/or dissociation. i do not even have to ask you about that.”
“ hey !”
“quite frankly, godling, your paranoia about whether or not the half-bloods of this camp hate you – i know about it very well, and so do your friends,” dionysus says bluntly as nico makes a noise of shock. “that is 8 out of 9.”
nico throws his hands up in the air and slumps down in his seat, grumbling under his breath. “great. great . what now, then?”
“you take all this information with some grace.” dionysus sets his things down on the table and leans back, waving his hand to make the apple core disappear. “do not be harsh with yourself. growing up in those times have burdened you with ideologies that you know not to be true, but still nag you in the back of your mind. you have already managed to move forth with your own sexuality and the community in general. this is merely the same.”
nico mulls over this, a small scowl still plastered on his face. he hated that whole experience. he still struggles with internalized homophobia – now he has to deal with internalized whatever-this-is? “i’m assuming you’re gonna tell me to talk to everyone else about this.”
“so you do have a brain up in there,” dionysus says sarcastically, making nico roll his eyes as he shoves a baklava in his mouth. he smiles a bit – pistachio, his favorite. “yes, that is what i am suggesting. especially with solace. perhaps with the named-after-heroes duo as well.”
nico snorts at how dionysus referred to percy and jason, shaking his head. “i suppose so.’
“none of them will judge you, godling,” dionysus says, voice becoming a bit softer. “they all understand. they have their own struggles, as i’m sure solace has told you pieces of. rest assured, none of them have any ill bearings or feelings towards you, and would not upon you discussing this with you.”
“... thank you,” nico says quietly, knowing that this is one of the rare moments he’ll ever see dionysus be ‘soft’, so to speak. “i’ll… be sure to do so. and keep you in the loop.”
“good.” dionysus suddenly waves his hand, and in his annoyed mr. d voice, says, “bah, now get out of my office, godling! go to that solace kid, or whatever you do after this.”
nico sits by the shore of the lake, watching as some demigods play in a non-competitive canoe race. the naiads were occasionally popping up from the water, giggling lightly as they playfully push and pull at the canoes, messing with the race. he glances over when someone sits next to him, sighing quietly when he sees that it was percy.
“what’s up, zombie dude?” percy teases lightly, nudging nico’s shoulder with his own with a grin.
“how i had a crush on you, i have no idea,” nico says bluntly, rolling his eyes when percy lets out an affronted gasp. “ sei un idiota. ”
“you wound me.” percy reaches into his bag, rummaging around before pulling something out, handing it to nico. “will told me to give this to you.”
nico takes the wrapped up item, opening it curiously and smiling softly when he sees that it’s a sandwich from dinner. he takes a small bite, letting out a small hum.
it’s silent for a moment as he quietly eats, and when he takes the last bite, percy finally says, “but hey, really, what’s up?”
“hm?”
“you’ve got that brooding face that you usually have whenever something’s bothering you,” percy points out, and nico groans quietly – of course percy would notice, he’s known nico the longest besides annabeth and maybe thalia. “what’s wrong? should i get will?”
“no, no,” nico sighs, shaking his head. “there’s – there’s, uh, no need for that.”
“you’re stuttering too, now? and not wanting me to get will? must be something serious.”
nico falls silent for a moment, looking back out at the lake. a couple naiads had tipped over a canoe, and the demigods were all laughing as they try to flip the canoe back over. percy doesn’t say anything, and nico’s grateful – percy knows that nico would speak on his own terms and not to push him into speaking. nico takes a deep breath eventually, finally saying, “i talked with mr. d today.”
percy tilts his head curiously at nico. “i thought you already were?”
“yes, but–” nico lets out a small noise of frustration, before grumbling, “but not… about the pit. about – about other stuff.”
“oh.” percy sits up straighter, turning around so that he’s fully facing nico. his expression’s uncharacteristically serious, and it somehow makes nico feel better – the lack of pity being shown let him know that percy was actually listening, and not thinking of him as some charity case. “do you, uh, wanna talk about it?”
nico stays silent, mulling over it for a while, and percy quietly offers, “if it might help, i can talk about my own?”
nico hesitates, biting his lip. he eventually nods – the concept of percy having no shame about it may help him feel more comfortable in talking about it, now and in the future.
“i dunno how much will or mr. d has told you, but i deal with a lot of hallucinations,” percy says, a slight distant look in his eyes as he stares out over the lake. “mostly visual and auditory. i see and hear things that aren’t there, as a result of all the trauma that’s occurred.”
“what do you see and hear?” nico asks, immediately following it up with, “sorry – i didn’t mean–”
“hey, kid, you’re fine,” percy teases, making nico scowl at being called ‘kid’. “i sometimes wake up to see someone wounded or dead at the foot of my bed. typically, it’s annabeth or my mom, but sometimes, it’s grover and the rest of the seven, including you as well.”
“me?” nico says in surprise, eyes widening slightly. “really?”
“i care for you all and wouldn’t want anything to happen, so then it plays on my fears,” percy says with a shrug. “i also sometimes see akhlys. and … luke. or my, er, step-dad. gabe, not paul.”
nico scowls at the mention of gabe – he, percy, thalia, annabeth, and leo had all sat down together at some point – percy, thalia, and annabeth had wanted for nico and leo to not bottle up so much about their pasts. the three of them had given them a pathway by talking to them about their own past familial issues, which led to nico and leo admitting their own. if aunt sally hadn’t used medusa’s head on gabe all those years ago, nico would’ve gone out and killed him himself.
(however, he will concede that he would not be the first in line for that. if he didn’t let annabeth or thalia have a go first, he might be killed as well.)
“i hear them taunting me, too,” percy continues, holding out his hand, and nico watches as some water from the lake bubbles up to floating above percy’s palm, the water creating bubbles and different shapes. “luke – or rather, kronos as luke – telling me that i will be olympus’s downfall. that i will fail everyone, or that i’ll join his or gaea’s forces. gabe taunting me with his typical bullying, but going as far as to say i’d be as … as horrible or abusive as him. that i’d treat annabeth like he treated mom.
“i hear akhlys telling me that i’ll accidentally bloodbend one of my own friends, and that i’m a monster who’s far too gone. the screams of the pit, deceased campers telling me it was my fault that they’ve died – i could go on.”
nico blinks as he takes in all of this information – he hadn’t known that percy was dealing with all of that. and on a constant basis? “... i see you or annabeth, crumpled at the foot of my bed, after tartarus at times.”
percy hums to let nico know that he’s listening, and suddenly nico’s rambling – “i see will or hazel wounded, or what i – i imagine bianca’s body to have looked like at her death, or hades – father – dad – telling me that bianca should have lived. i can’t tell if the spirits and ghosts i see are real or fake. i wake up feeling like there’s – there’s skeletal hands just – just grabbing me to try and drag me to the underworld. i hear the screams of tartarus, the screams of – of you guys when you were wounded in battle. i already have to deal with hearing and knowing when – when someone i’m close with dies – i can never tell the difference sometimes–”
“breathe, neeks, breathe,” percy whispers, and nico takes a shuddering breath, belatedly realizing that percy was no longer playing with the water and was now holding his hands out towards nico. nico focuses on trying to breathe properly, finding that he can’t bring himself up to be mad that percy called him that blasted nickname. percy takes nico’s hands carefully, saying quietly, “you’re okay. i get it. it’s scary, on top of everything we have to deal with.”
nico takes a deep, shaky breath, looking up at percy and whispering, “he – dionysus says i’ve – i’ve got bpd. bor– borderline – uh–”
“borderline personality disorder?” percy questions, and nico sags a bit with relief when there’s no judgment or hatred in percy’s tone. at nico’s nod, he continues, “okay. okay. annabeth told me about it, in one of her spiels about mental health. you don’t have to explain if you don’t wanna, but i’m all ears.”
nico sighs, tension leaving his shoulders at the sound of that. percy slowly lets go of nico’s hands and holds out his arm instead in offering. nico immediately scoots closers, letting percy pull him into a one-armed hug with a faint smile. he typically hates physical affection from anyone that wasn’t will (and even then, can be limited on certain days), but percy just… gave really nice hugs. he’s told percy that he reminds him of the sicilian beach his mama had saved up to take him and bianca to when they were younger as a special gift, making percy grin widely and say he’d be more than happy to provide him with comfort if he needed that.
“i’ve just – just got a shit ton of abandonment issues and – and emotionality–” nico laughs bitterly, shaking his head. “ gods , how can i get more fucked up?”
“whoa there, just ‘cause you were technically born in the 30’s doesn’t mean you can swear like a sailor in front of me,” percy chuckles, making nico snort with a roll of his eyes. “but, hey, we’re demigods. you know that the fates hate us.
“besides,” percy teases, ruffling nico’s hair, “i think we could all tell.”
“ hey! ”
“but seriously,” percy continues, ignoring nico’s glare, “so many of us have developed disorders because of some shit that’s happened to us.”
“i know,” nico sighs, staring down at the ground, noting that the grass all around them had withered and died, possibly during nico’s rambles. “will told me. ”
“that fucker.”
“he does fu–”
“i do not want to hear a sex joke from you!” percy nearly screeches in mock horror, making nico burst out into laughter as percy clutches his chest. “you’re my little brother! i do not want to hear it!”
“can’t have shit,” nico mumbles, making percy snort and try to stifle his laughter.
they fall silent for a moment, peering over the lake. nico looks over at percy when he lets out a hum, and percy says, “how do you feel about it?”
“about what?”
“the diagnosis. especially since you’re from a time full of stigma.”
“it’s … scary,” nico admits, looking back down. his breath hitches when he sees a skeleton hand dig its way up from the ground, freezing as he sees it crawl towards him.
he jolts as percy pulls out riptide and stabs it nonchalantly, watching with a blank face as the bones fall apart and sink back into the ground. nico blinks. “it was real?”
“it was,” percy confirms, returning riptide to pen form and stowing it away. “so. scary, huh?”
“y-yeah.” nico shakes his head, trying to think about what to say. “you know how i was about – about, uh – internalized homophobia. i still struggle with it at times. same with trying to fully embrace the middle eastern aspect. this is just… a lot.”
“i get that,” percy hums, subconsciously rubbing nico’s arm. “i still struggle with internalized homophobia, too, even being born in this century. gabe did not make me feel good about me having any inkling of a liking towards boys whatsoever. same about me and mom being latino. took some long conversations with leo to get over that.”
“i don’t like finding out that there’s more things that are different with me,” nico says quietly with a shrug, “it … gives me the same anxiety that i would have somehow gotten me, mama, and bianca in trouble, just because i like boys.”
“and people still having that bigotry today makes it worse.” percy nods in understanding. “i can tell you that no one at camp is judgmental in any way about that stuff. and there’s no reason for you to disclose that information to anyone outside of camp, either. that shit can stay within camp if you wanted. i wouldn’t even tell mom.”
nico smiles thankfully, knowing that even though percy could not see it, percy was well aware of it. percy tells aunt sally everything , so for him to promise that for him meant a lot. “... thank you.”
“of course!” percy grins. “you wanna know something that might make you feel a little better?”
“hm?”
“thalia’s the same.”
“really?”
percy nods. “she talks more with artemis, ‘cause, ya know, she’s never really at camp. but i’m sure she’d be more than happy to talk with you about it all, seeing as she’s known for over a year or two now.”
“i’ll… i’ll consider that,” nico muses, making a note in the back of his mind to reach out to thalia sometime soon. “thank you, percy… really.”
“you know i’m always around if ya need anything,” percy says with a wink, grinning at nico. “you’re never a bother to any of us.”
nico smiles softly, leaning his head against percy’s shoulder as they fall into silence.
“so… about that skeleton dog on a skateboard–”
“fuck off , jackson.”
(“so,” will says – he’s laying next to nico as they finish another episode of the mandalorian . “how was the talk with mr. d?”
“it went fine,” nico says. he quiets for a moment before admitting, “it was a little nerve-wracking. it was, uh, bpd. i talked to percy afterwards, and he said i could talk to thalia as well, since she’s the same.”
“i’m glad to hear it went well,” will hums, pressing a gentle kiss against nico’s temple. “and i’m glad you’ve got someone else you can talk to specifically about it.”
“you’re not – mad?”
“why would i be?”
“‘cause i’d be talking to – to someone else about this?”
“gods, no, i wouldn’t be upset,” will chuckles. “of course, i still want you to talk to me in general, but if there’s specifics that only thalia might be able to understand at the moment, then that’s fine, darlin’.”
nico smiles gratefully, snuggling a bit closer to will as they start up the next episode.)
((“... so, did you get to show jackson the skeleton dog on a skateboard?”
“oh, fuck off, not you too.”))