Work Text:
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
❝ it's me, hi, I'm the
problem, it's me. ❞
➶ ➷
“I see what you do when you get attached, you know?” Sarah broke the silence after a few minutes. Her hair had gotten a lighter shade of blonde over the summer, you noticed.
It wasn't the only thing that changed in Sarah Cameron during the summer. Your best friend had gotten stronger, much different from when she was last year, less judgemental about certain subjects her dad brainwashed her with.
You were proud of her. So incredibly proud of what she had become.
One thing, however, had not changed at all: how well she was able to read you.
You changed as well. For the better? For the worst? You weren't sure. You just know that your friends had become your family more than anyone else in your life. And you were grateful for that. Maybe, they were a big part of your change during the summer, too.
The dirty-haired blond with toned body that surfed the harsh waves in front of you was definitely responsible for those changes, too. You couldn't deny it; you just didn't say it out loud.
“Attached to what?” You replied after a while of observing the boy. He hypnotized you some times. JJ Maybank had a way with you you'd never understand fully.
“Attached to someone, romantically.” Sarah specified, giving you a look to let you know she knew you weren't paying attention. “You're doing it to him.”
You shifted on the towel, feeling apprehensive. Sarah had become fucking bold, huh?
No. She had always been like that.
“I don't even know what you're talking about, Sarah.”
You said, playing dumb.
“Yes, you do. I can see it in your face. You venture with someone new, have fun, and as soon as your heart gives that little jump you run away.”
You rolled your eyes, turning to look at your other friends who were engaged in a calm conversation. You watched as John B. pecked Sarah's lips and sprinted towards the sea with his board.
“He cares about you. More than you see,” Sarah's smile died down as his boyfriend dove in and she turned to you again, nudging your thigh with hers. “JJ is a good guy, you know? Which, of course, that does not give anyone a hundred percent certainty of no heartbreak—”
You groan, burying your face in the towel as you spun on your back to the sun.
“Sarah—”
“— and if he does break your heart I'll murder him—”
“Sarah!”
“—but you have to think about trying before giving up, alright?” That caught your attention so you lifted your face to stare at her bewildered. She had a look as if she knew something you didn't. “If you don't try, you'll never see if it will be worth it.”
You knew she said it from experience. Her relationship with John B. had been a shot in the dark. Before they came to know each other better. There were hardships, there were bad moments. But there were good ones. A lot of those; you saw it. And the way they looked and cared for one another... It was all worth it.
A shaky sigh left your lips as you say down again. The sun was gone and the clouds painted the sky a dark shade of gray. A storm was coming. You could feel it.
“I don't even know if he wants a relationship with me, Sarah,” you blurted out, pushing your hair back. “And—and even if he did. It would never work out. We're completely different people. Polar opposites. JJ deserves someone that is worth his time.”
The boys were surfing together, now. Hyping each other up. Kiara scolded them because of the storm and ordered them to come back.
“You're blind as fuck to not notice the way he looks at you like you're a fallen star or something,” she rolled her eyes as you started to play with the hem of your bathing suit. “You need to let yourself feel happiness. I like seeing you happy, it's an amazing sight to see my best friend happy, do you know that?”
Laying your head on her shoulder, you let out a long sigh.
“I like seeing you happy, too, Sarah. I love you.”
“Thanks, I love me, too.”
You slap her thigh, gaining a pinch in your arm. Making a face, you retracted your hand to massage the spot. Sarah grinned at you.
“And who the fuck told you you're not worth JJ's time?”
You gave her an eye-roll as your cheeks heat up. You weren't, you knew it. How could you be? You weren't half of the person you wanted to be and he deserved a hundred percent. Of everything.
JJ Maybank did not deserve halves. He deserved the whole fucking sea. What good would it be for him to have someone wearing masks because the skeletons in their closets was too much to bear?
He already had too much on his plate. You wouldn't add to it. You were the problem, not him.
Looking up at the horizon, the clouds were a deep shade of grey. You could hear the soft patter of the rain against the sand. You raised your palm to feel the tears from the sky.
“Hi,”
Sprinkles of cold water landed in your face interrupting your inner monologue. You flinched when it hit your bear back, too. It wasn't the rain. Lifting your sight to glare at dirty blonde hair and a killer smile, your eyes softened without you noticing.
“A beer for your thoughts?” He offered, plotting down next to you. Seems like none of you were bothered by the coming storm, everyone else was either still swimming or splattered around in the sand.
“Thanks,” you accepted the cold bottle with a smile, taking a sip. “Won't share anything, though.”
JJ gave you a pout, “That wasn't the deal.”
“Tough life, baby.”
His lips stretched in a soft smile. It had been a while since you said the petname. It had been a while since you've held a conversation with him, to be honest. For weeks, JJ had been trying to figure it out what he had done, how he attempted to mess up his relationship with you. It would eventually happen, he knew it. He fucks everything up at some point. Blame it on genetics.
Was it something he said? An action? Had he made you uncomfortable?
He didn't know. He just wanted to make it right again. He felt like you were slipping through his fingers, like the drops of rain falling into your hand. And even if he only were able to have your friendship, that's alright; he didn't want to lose you. Never. You were the stable path he had searched for his whole life. he couldn't miss the trail. Not again.
“You alright?” you asked, noticing the small pinch in his eyebrows as he stared unfocused at the sea. Sarah had abandoned you for John B and Kiara, they were racing each other like children. You hadn't seen when Sarah left her spot, only who took it. You haven't decided if you should be happy or frustrated. JJ seemed to show up every time your thoughts reached his persona. Leaving you unprepared.
The rain was starting to pick up. Maybe you should head in to the Chateau.
You didn't move. Neither did him.
“Yeah. Are you?” He threw the question back at you. Tis tone made you drift your attention back to be beer. You glared at it. And you also mentally glared at Sarah and her stupid words that wouldn't leave your mind.You're blind as fuck to not notice the way he looks at you like you're a fallen star or something.
“Why wouldn't I be?”
“I don't know. Can't read your mind.”
“What's the fun if you could?”
“Then I would know what I did wrong.”
You sucked in a breath, meeting his eyes without meaning to. “What?” You knuckles turned white as you held the neck of the bottle tighter. JJ didn't wavered. He was always the brave one. You were always the coward.
“You've been distant,” before you were able to protest, he rushed out, “Maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe you really are. I don't know. Did I do something to upset you?”
“No,” you said without hesitation. Because he hadn't. What was happening wasn't his fault. “I— I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.” It was yours. So for the first time —blame it on Sarah-Motherfucking-Cameron—you chose to own the truth instead of offering the easy lie.
His eyes softened. He could see the struggle in your eyes. “Are you sure? 'Cause I can handle it. You don't have to pretend I didn't fucked it up for my sake,” JJ knew you too well to know you would rather be silent than to hurt anyone with your words. Even if it would hurt you. He didn't want it with him. He wanted you to be okay. Truly okay. No masks or lies needed.
“JJ,” you whispered. “You did nothing wrong. I'm just— I'm confused, it's all. It's not your fault, if anything, it's mine.”
He frowned, “Why would it be your fault?”
You sighed, “I distanced myself. from you. I didn't meant to, but I did. It wasn't anything you did. At least not like you think.”
“Not like I think?”
You chuckled at his puzzled look.
“I care about you, JJ. So we should give up from this and just, move on to another subject. An easier one.”
You pleaded.
He rasied his eyebrows, “I don't want to move on from this yet,” he felt a bit bold. “Why did you distanced yourself if it wasn't something I did?”
You stayed quiet, watching his fingers pull his now-wet strands back. Your own hair was starting to stick to your shoulders and back because of the rain. It was getting stronger. But your body was frozen because you were caught off guard. You weren't expecting this conversation to arrive today. Or ever. You would never be prepared for this.
“It was easier.”
“Easier?”
“Yes.”
“Why was it easier to be away from me?”
“Because I was drowning and even if I know how to swim I'm not sure I want to.”
Oh.
Oh.
JJ was in desperate need of your full attention now. But you wouldn't meet his eyes as hard as he burned his onto your face. He was searching for answers.
“That's fine,” he said carefully, scared to drive you away again. “You don't have to keep swimming. You can just... stay afloat for a while. Rest your breath. You won't drown.”
The water of the sky tasted salty in his tongue. He observed your profile paint with drops and refrained from brushing a thumb against it.
I've been drowning since the first moment I laid eyes on you.
You thought, blinking fast when the rain started to lnd in your eyelashes.
“I can't stay afloat,” you croaked out softly.
“I can help you with that,” you gazed up at him. “It's not hard,” he said with a soft smile, his palm capturing a bit of the storm like you were doing previously. “You just have to believe for a second and relax. Let your mind free, you know? I'll be there the whole time, if you let me.”
Please, let me.
Please.
“What if I drift from the shore?” You frown when his hair fell right into his eyes, drenched. Holding yourself back to not push it back.
“I'll swim and bring you back.”
I'd dive into the end of the ocean to find you. JJ thought.
“I could be too far gone, Maybank.”
Because you're the antihero in your story. You sabotage and you bargain your love life for the sake of being lonely. Simply because you couldn't handle being out of control. Or being reciprocated. It was terrifying to not be loved back. But it was even more terrifying to be loved.
“Never.” he shook his head. “Only if you want to be. Do you want to be?”
Too far gone from you? No.
Never.
I can't. Not anymore.
“No,” you admit after a while. Gaze glued to his. “I don't want to be too far.”
He hums, “Then I won't let you drift away. Do you trust me?” He asked, brushing a stray strand behind your ear.
“I do,” you feel a smile creeping in your face. “Of course, I do.”
He was grinning, a happy glint in his blue eyes. Even with the rain brushing against his face like tears. He was beautiful. “Well, then we don't have much to worry about, do we?”
“No, I don't think we do.”
The storm didn't diminished. And you didn't move. Maybe you could swim close to the shore, after all.
➶ ➷