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“ Hey, Muu, what’s your favorite flower ?”
The question is a regular, soft and gentle one that doesn’t sting. Why would it, anyway? It was just a minor question, and somehow it had steered Muu to dive into her true, inner self and desires. Her wants were always aching to be relieved, so she could pick any flower, and it would be alright. Nobody would defy her
Yuno looks at her from the other corner of the prison courtyard, still blinking with her unreadable gaze. They both had the innocent verdict for the first trial, so they decided to as well converse and get along. The other half that received the guilty verdict bonded themselves, which was nothing but an expected and completely natural occurrence. For a split second, Muu almost feels genuine pity for the guilty.
But if Es decided it, maybe it was fine. Muu considered them a friend.
“Muu’s favorite flower? Muu hasn’t really thought about that~” she explains, and she’s meeting Yuno’s eyes with uncertainty. She never had a particular favorite flower— anything that just seemed gorgeous to her would catch her eye. She never cared about stupid, sappy things like that. Maybe Mahiru would give definite answers, but Muu? Probably one of the worst people.
Muu’s clearing her throat, still wishing to give Yuno an honest answer. How many flowers were there in the world? It was way too pointless to even try to guess. Muu doesn’t care about it.
I’m overthinking.
“Maybe… yellow carnations or asphodels.”
“Oh?” Yuno perks up, almost shocked by that answer. “I thought you’d pick some oddly specific fancy flower. But carnations and asphodels are pretty.”
She smiles, and it’s bleak, yet Muu accepts it.
The duo sink and rest in the silence that crashes over them like a wave, and frankly, they just accept that answer. Yuno was probably searching for a deeper meaning to it— her pink eyes were averted to the side as she seemed to be glazed under her own thoughts.
In truth, yellow carnations were very pretty, yet boring and simplistic. There was no real motive as to why Muu chose that stupid flower. Nor for the asphodel.
Her head began to ache slightly when she reminisces of when Mahiru began calculating everyone’s personalities and motivations due to their birthdays. It was during the first trial votings, when Muu was still sheepish and admittedly awkward.
She began with Haruka, and then before Muu even knew it she had to explain to Mahiru that she was born on the fifth of July.
“You’re a Cancer!” Mahiru clasps her hands together gleefully, grinning.
Muu’s face scrunches up, and she’s rubbing her own arm anxiously, stirred in with ridiculous confusion. “….Muu has cancer?” she freezes.
“No, that’s your astrology sign!”
“Oh… um… what does that have to do with anything..?”
“Well,” Mahiru’s tapping her own chin lightly. “you’re kind of shy, and it takes a while to build trust, and—“
To be fair, Muu immediately dropped interest and just began to zone out. Mahiru probably didn’t even know what she was talking about… Muu was never into astrology, nor did she even believe it was real. It was just a cheap scam for money, at least that’s what Muu thinks.
But, whatever Yuno had to say about the flowers and flower language might be a little more believable than some inaccurate space signs. Muu found herself trusting in Yuno for the most part… even if she had seemed more slightly rude than before.
“Yellow carnations— hey, Muu, do you know what that symbolizes?” Yuno nudges the latter gingerly, and it looks as if Yuno had finally drilled deep enough into her own personal brain of flower encyclopedia to remember what yellow carnations meant.
And with how Muu is, she’s shrugging, allowing her arms to freely fall to her sides afterwards. She leans backwards, hitting one of the walls of the courtyard as she watches nobody in particular. Nobody else is here, just her and Yuno Kashiki, Prisoner 002. Isolated and only having each other for company right now.
“Why does it matter?” Muu scoffs, and she’s not even noticing her tone and how the pitch of her voice radiates an unwelcoming and belittling aura.
Yuno hums for a second before providing a response.
“I was just thinking: yellow carnations symbolize rejection, or possibly disappointment. It’s just a peculiar choice, really… but asphodels are pretty. Not sure I remember what they mean~”
Muu’s lips turn upwards into a fond smile, and she laughs softly as it rings in graceful sound waves, coating over both of them. The taste of irony begins to flow present, and Muu finds herself immersed in the tiny space that she shares with Yuno. It’s almost as if she’s suffocating, but in an affectionate way every time she looks at the other highschooler.
Peculiar choice it was.
“Is it…?” Muu hooks her arm around Yuno’s, dragging her closer to Muu’s own body so that she wouldn’t even think twice about slipping out of Muu’s grip. It was an action with possessive intentions, and no matter how far she wants to trust the older girl’s abilities to not blow up at her, she always feels a clearance in her fogged, hazy mind when she gets to open up to Yuno.
Something in her chest flutters, but not in the sense that she’d like it to. It was rather a negative concoction, buzzing inside of her throat.
It’s been a long, long while since Muu Kusunoki last felt like that. She’s suddenly shuffling closer to Yuno, as if there was an invisible magnetic connection that drew her in like a stray bee to a sweet flower.
Maybe ‘flower’ wasn’t the best comparison to someone like Yuno, but whatever Yuno emitted, it made Muu starve for more of it— but out of the duo, both of them had a muted consciousness that nobody had more ulterior power over the other.
Yuno could do her own thing, and Muu didn’t care.
And of course, Muu could do her own thing, and Yuno didn’t care. Wouldn’t care.
Their views on society were differing and contrasting, however the plight that they were caged to made them feel like doves connected with clipped wings.
Muu exhales, doesn’t even notice she was holding a breath in. “Is it bad to say Muu misses school?”
Of course it was bad. Everybody treated her like complete shit there, including the only angel that Muu ever loved— but a simple melancholic tug, and she’s back to praying to reverse time.
“No.” Yuno assures. “I get a break from stupid professors, but I do miss it because of my friends.”
A pause.
“Why do you miss it, Muu?”
The restrooms were never too occupied, and for good reasons. Some rumors were dappled around that they were haunted, and others suggested that there would be a creature that would steal your wallet… whatever that meant.
After a few weeks of meeting Rei, Muu finds herself in the bathroom, dizzy with a pounding headache. Its unsteady rhythm only urged her to throw up even more, but every time she choked up something, only a leaf or small petal would reveal itself. Blood would dribble down the sink, as Muu clenched onto the sides for her dear life.
Panting follows shortly afterwards, and Muu’s gathering the tiny strength she can scavenge for in her figure to look up at the mirror at herself.
She wasn’t met with anything ideal.
Her hair was messy, tears were still clinging to her eyes as they were glazed with a weird and twisted sort of sharp pain; velvet liquid seeped out from the corner of her mouth as she groggily took a hand and wiped it away with her thumb.
Muu’s turning her hand around to her face, so she can look at her finger.
The blood was already beginning to dry, and the clumps of golden floral remains infused with blood filled the sink. It wasn’t even that much, but Muu was clearly concerned for her state.
Maybe Rei would pay more attention to her now? Rei always had a sensitive and fluffy spot for the weak and injured. Muu wouldn’t be an exception, and besides— who wouldn’t pity her? She deserves it. After everything.
She already knew her parents wouldn’t care. They never really did, as long as they provided Muu with wealth, they thought it wasn’t neglect; and what if they’re right? Muu isn’t being emotionally neglected. She has everything she’s ever wanted.
Except Rei.
That’s why Muu needs Rei. It’s more than a childish desire, because she knows that if she doesn’t have Rei, everything will crumble. If Rei refused to be by her side, then nothing would matter anymore, and that’s just how Muu thinks.
“Rei…”
Muu whispers, but before she can add on to her sentence, another coughing fit follows up, as if she’s being demanded to shut up by her own body. It felt like she had a cold, or maybe a sickness, but maybe she was overreacting.
Class was going to be over soon, so Muu just had to polish and repair her makeup, and everything should be okay. Everything would be okay.
“Are you okay in there?”
A flurry of increasing, loud and worried knocks from the entrance to the restroom door make Muu flinch, allowing her to remember that she locked it. The voice is muffled, but judging by the overall tone…
“Rei—?!”
Muu’s heart soars. Rei was here to save her, to grab her by the wrist and bring her back into a colorful world, full of life and bliss. She was Muu’s destined knight, arriving to rescue a disheveled princess.
The knocking fades away, as if a swarm of relief had reached Rei from the other side. But of course, she’d still be concerned.
“You’ve been in there for almost most of class. I have the notes we had to take today, if you need to copy off of mine.”
Before Muu even notices, she’s swinging the door open, and dragging Rei in the bloodied bathroom, mascara and blush ruined, as if Muu was a failed painting from a frustrated artist. She shuts the door behind them, knowing that nobody else would bother to check up on her aside from Rei anyway.
Rei’s topaz eyes widen, and Muu has never seen her expression drop so quickly. Scarlet pools in the sink, some on the floor, accompanied with yellow, fresh petals with faint leaves. It’s all from Muu, everything is from Muu.
A nervous giggle from Muu erupts, before she frowns and begins to smear her makeup with a sudden wail, with tears dripping down her face, as if she was quite literally melting. The sudden moodswing seems to alarm Rei almost instantly.
“What’s happening?”
Muu doesn’t reply, but she just grabs Rei by the shoulders, and stumbles into her. Muu feels as if everything is spinning, feels her vision go blurry paired with a high-pitched ring piercing her hearing.
“Talk to me, Muu.”
If Rei was saying something, then Muu wouldn’t even have the slightest idea what it would be.
But the last evidence of Rei comforting her was when Muu feels hands near her sides, attempting to stand her up, but more in an awkward and lousy attempt. It almost splinters Muu’s heart to witness Rei in such a disoriented state, but simultaneously she feels her ego get watered. It’s cruel, it’s selfish, it’s terrible; but Muu knows that she deserves to be happy.
“Muu’s so….” Muu hiccups, still sobbing like a poor mess while she senses another heavy group of nature and her own red fluids. “…dizzy…”
She meekly tugs on Rei’s uniform, as if begging her to hold her a little longer. Anything to just keep her anchored to the same ground that Rei would walk on, the same warmth that she receives so often from her.
“Muu, hold on—!”
Her head feels like it's levitating, light and losing all gravity. Muu chokes on herself, and she’s aware that her nerves felt numb. All her limbs feel hollow, and like glass.
Muu whimpers. “It just happened, and Muu doesn’t know why.”
“Just hang in there, I got you— don’t fall on me—!”
Before she even realizes, she spews out more spare petals before her body gives up completely, collapsing to the floor. The only faint thing Muu heard was an exclamation from Rei.
Her vision flickers to black.
When Muu wakes up, in the infirmary, her head still spins like crazy, but her throat feels better. Her uniform still has horrifying stains of blood, and Muu knows it’ll be a long night if she doesn’t start cleaning her outfit now. A shiver travels down her spine as she sits up, and attempts to recollect what occurred before she ended up here.
The school nurse was busy attending to her supplies, organizing them, but eventually turned to Muu.
“We’re going to need to send you home, okay?”
“Eh?…” Muu rubs her eyes, and she’s finally happy she can feel herself again instead of a heavy, unwelcoming weight crushing on her neck. Suddenly, the sentence that escaped from the nurse finally processed into Muu’s brain.
No! They can’t take me home! My parents...
I’m scared…
Her breathing swirls into an unsteady melody. “Why? Is Muu sick?” Muu asks, and her gaze is flooded with emotional distress and puzzlement.
The nurse nods, and she’s smoothing out the wrinkles in her own work uniform before tying her brown hair up into a ponytail, still idly organizing the medicines and bandages.
Muu groans in pain. She’s tilting her head to the side, trying to comprehend what that even was. All she knew was that she felt as if she was going to die, and Rei held her so cautiously; and in that matter, it couldn’t be that drastic. “Is it bad?”
“It may be fatal.”
Something feels frosty inside of Kusunoki Muu the second she hears that, and she’s gripping the sheets of one of the infirmary beds she was placed on, trying to release her anxiety into any sort of outlet. Her painted nails were almost ready to claw and mangle the silky cloth apart.
A bitter taste rises in her throat again, and Muu doesn’t need to even think to recognize that it’s more horrible, new petals ready to charge out of her mouth.
“Okay…”
Muu breathes, but instead feels her lungs clogged.
Yuno’s explaining her favorite flower, lilies. She had dragged Muu into her cell, which to Muu’s unexpected realization, flowers and plants were almost everywhere. In fish bowls, in tiny water cups, even beside Yuno’s miniature shelf beside her cell bed.
The bed was actually much more comfortable than Muu’s, and Yuno offered for them to both sit on the bed. Yuno began basically giving a tour to her cell, and Muu admired and complimented each and every plant. A drifting ha
But there were no traces of an elegant lily flower.
“And I think I overall just really like them. You know?” Yuno concludes her speech, rotating to face Muu.
“So… why does Yuno have no lily flowers?”
Yuno leans in closer to Muu’s face, brimming with interest and excitement. “I used to. But they always die.”
The sight almost scares Muu, and she’s shifting away awkwardly. Yuno quickly seems to realize this and ensures that she’s retreating, not wishing to make Muu uncomfortable. That wasn’t her goal here.
“Anyway,” Yuno leans back on her mattress, flopping on her back before she looks up at Muu. “why don’t you grow some carnations or asphodels? It’d help you pass time.”
“Does Muu request an order from Es?”
Yuno smiles. “Yeah. Just ask them.”
“Okay. Thank you, Yuno.”
When Muu leaves the cell that was littered with life and overgrowth and foliage, she can’t help but feel a sharp sense of dread in her veins. She’s breathing heavily again, struggling to even navigate around the prison properly. Her chest felt tight and heavy, and she clung onto the stair railing that would lead to the lower floor of the entire jail.
Nostalgia buzzes within her, and she’s trying her best to ignore it. Muu knows that if she doesn’t ignore it, she’ll never be able to move on from what happened— she’ll never be able to truly forgive herself, even if everyone else has.
Not once has Muu never resorted to tricking herself, and enveloping her mindset to soak in affirming and pretty lies. It was always easier to pretend, like how it was easier to pretend that maybe a part of Rei had reciprocated the love that the other girl contained for her.
After time would wear off, Muu realized that she never fully had a true identity for herself. She was only peeling off the layers of her fake outer skin, untouched and coated in sparkling honey, to reveal the horrifying and savage creature she truly was in front of Rei. Every single layer that was slowly taken off hurt, but Muu thought it’d be okay.
Just this once. She’d tell herself.
If it’s for Rei.
And every single time Muu would reveal a new surface of herself, Rei wouldn’t care. She accepted Muu anyways, and that led Muu to her trust sprouting further and further.
If Muu was stupid, then so be it. Because she knows Rei wouldn’t care about her once she reached the last few inner films of Muu— because no matter what, Muu would always be absolutely unloveable, and she’d always be a tangled mess even if she seemed like everything was revolving around her finger. Even if it seemed like the world was orbiting around her.
She’s blessed to even just be breathing right now, and yet, she feels guilt scratch and shake inside of her. Her head begins to drum again, and she may as well be experiencing her own sort of mental hell, a sort of painful compensation for everything she’s ever done in her life.
After all, she was a murderer.
That’s the same very bold, and clear reason she was shoved into MILGRAM. Because she was a killer just as anyone else was, but she wasn’t all too guilty— she knows that if she never killed Rei, she would’ve died herself. It was for survival.
Muu’s made it safely to her own cell, yet she feels chained. She feels like a poor little finch, in a shimmering gold cage with a velvet sheet that would be paired with it. It makes her feel fucking pathetic, and she can’t do anything.
“Are you okay?”
She swivels around, surprised to see that Yuno had followed her.
“Yuno.” Muu’s grabbing Yuno’s frail wrist, almost demandingly. “Stay with Muu…”
An expression of trying to comprehend the circumstance, but then Yuno eventually nods firmly, and she places her own hand on top of Muu’s soft ones. Almost as if she’s spreading her warmth. Sharing a piece of her affection to Muu, as if it would heal her— as if Yuno was aware that Muu was battling with herself.
“I’m here, Muu.” Yuno tells her, and it’s so undoubtedly relieving, as if Muu just broke free from under some huge body of water, gasping for air and realizing she won’t drown. “I’ll be here.”
Anxious giggles push past Muu’s lips, and she tugs Yuno into her cell, on the verge of tears, still with a terrible headache. “Haha… ahah…”
Her throat feels heavy, and the air feels thick as it hangs over the two.
“Yunooo…” Muu whines, still dizzy as her ears ring. It shields out any other noise that could try to make its way to Muu, and the scene is all too familiar. She laughs again, before wrapping her arms around Yuno’s waist, knowing she would pass out or faint if she had to relive any more of this sort of torturing sentimentality. She had to pay up, she had to earn punishment for the sins she’s committed in her life.
“I’ll set you down on the bed, okay?” Yuno rubs a few circles onto Muu’s arm, before she gently sways Muu and maneuvers her onto her bed, and it’s so much less decorated than Yuno’s. The mattress is almost rough, and Muu is confident that if she rolled over in her sleep to one of the sharp metallic pillars propped up near the wall of her bed, then her outfit would be shredded every time she woke up. Yuno ensures extra carefully that Muu is okay, that she’s fine with even just Yuno tucking her in like this.
Muu feels something on her forehead, and it's soft. Yuno’s hands carefully graze over Muu’s forehead and near her jawline, checking for a fever. Even if she did, she’d tell the brunette to just stay with her and to not contact anybody.
Including Kirisaki Shidou, who was a medical professional— yet, a killer.
Or Es, who was the warden and god damn it Muu knew that they ultimately did not care about her, or her wounds or injuries. But maybe Yuno would care. Maybe that’s why she was so concerned over Muu’s state, even if Muu was nothing but a debilitated crybaby.
“Why are you helping Muu?” She opens her eyes fully to meet Yuno’s rose quartz ones.
“Hm?”
“Yuno shouldn’t be helping Muu. Yuno doesn’t know about the iniquity Muu acted on.”
“It doesn’t make it any different. You have no clue about my murder, either.” Yuno brushes her thumb over Muu’s cheek softly. “You should sleep. When you wake up, I’ll get you some asphodels.”
Muu just stares at her through half-lidded eyes, before being sent off into a tranquil nap.
Hanging out by the hidden lakeside around a twenty-minute walk behind the school always amused Muu, because feeding the fish there with her leftover bread was a better alternative than going straight home, ready to be scolded by her parents with every breath she took. Sometimes, if Rei felt like it, she’d join her. She said that she only plans to accompany her to protect her from any potential dangers, but Muu knows this was a lie; Rei always stays for longer, and feeds the fish with Muu.
Today would be no different.
“You’ve been vomiting up more flowers in fuller forms ever since last week.”
Muu frowns. She knows Rei is just concerned for her well-being, and that is what she wants, but she feels lamentable towards it. It was true, no less; Muu began noticing that the yellow petals eventually began pouring out of her with their main body counterpart, and even though the petals were soft, the ugly sensation of grouped stems and nature near her mouth was a major choking hazard.
If she didn’t choke on her blood first, of course.
“Eh? Really? Muu had no clue~” Muu’s allowing her body to fit against Rei’s clinging onto her again. Her grip tightens, and she feels Rei’s neatly kept uniform begin to wrinkle in the ball of her hand. She swallows down another cough, not wishing to infect Rei with whatever illness she might’ve had. She didn’t want to know, and it wouldn’t make a difference— her love would always be unrequited either way.
Rei notices Muu slightly slipping, and she’s holding Muu by the shoulders, making sure that she won’t fall.
“I’m serious, Kusunoki. Take care of yourself.”
“Rei, please feed the fishies with Muu.”
“What?”
“Feed the fishies with Muu.”
The pink-haired student retracts from Rei, and suddenly shoves a piece of bread into her arms. Rei flinches, but she does her best to catch it, knowing that the bread Muu always bought was expensive. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t think it was cute of Muu to care so much for fish.
And so Rei does exactly what Muu wants. She sits on the soft blades of grass, beginning to break the bread into tinier bits and sizes for the fish, which were gold Koi fish. Muu’s favorite fish to tend to.
“Don’t you wanna sit here?” Rei pats the ground beside her, but Muu shakes her head.
“Muu will get dirty… Muu’s skirt will get dirty, and the dirt will go to her legs…”
“You can stand and watch.”
Muu had other plans, obviously. She skips over to Rei, gets behind her, and props up her arms on her head, resting her chin on her scalp. Basically, she was using Rei as an armrest while she fed the fish.
“Now Muu can watch Rei and the fish!” She’s boasting, and she acts as if she had just discovered a new evolutionary discovery when she says that. Rei just pouts, annoyed, but she throws a speck of bread to the water, and the Koi quickly bunch together to fight for it.
Rei sighs. She tears off another piece of bread, and she makes sure to fling several pieces into the body of water, so that more fish could have an equal serving. More fish slither through, still gathered together, expectantly waiting for more.
And, for a moment, the world is only for Rei and Muu alone. In a little, isolated area with gorgeous plants and live animals, and nothing could’ve made Muu so much happier. She swore to herself— vowed — that she would love Rei no matter what. No matter what Rei did to her, no matter what flaws she had; Muu would always find her perfect, like an untouched doll.
Or maybe like the fish she was feeding right now.
“The fishies are so cu— gghk! ”
The all too familiar feeling of flowers traveling up her esophagus makes Muu shake, eyes widening as she suddenly gets away from Rei. Something drips out from the corner of her lip, and she knows its blood. It makes her sick. She just wants this stupid, cursed illness to die off.
Rei is clearly alarmed. She drops the bread, and swiftly grabs Muu. She’s throwing Muu’s arm around her shoulder, because she knows that if Muu fell, that would only make everything so much more worse than they already were.
She didn’t deserve this.
Before Rei can comfort the other highschool student, Muu vomits out a gush of blood, followed by asphodels and yellow carnations. The asphodels weren’t exactly fully formed, but the carnations were— and it was beyond excruciating for Muu. Every second that ticked by, every minute she grasps onto Rei’s clothing, she hated it all.
“I told you not to feed the fish today, look what happened!” Rei scolds with growing, unavoidable worry; but Muu does nothing but grin from the attention received as Rei wipes the blood off her lips.
It hurts, god, everything hurts. But if Rei is here, then Muu could hold on a little longer. She would be the crumpled plant being watered by Rei’s small touches and attention, and she would do anything to keep that in place. She needed to.
“Muu is sorry…” She’s whimpering, and she buries her nails deep into Rei’s shoulder, almost saying ‘ I won’t let you go. ’
The sunset hues glow and filter across the same ground that Muu and Rei limp on, holding each other, completely abandoning the bread to the lake. The sounds of Muu coughing down her flurry of flowers always made Rei uncomfortable, but the more negative emotions Rei displayed, the more Muu felt like the pit of starvation in her chest was fulfilled.
“I’m going to be honest,” Rei coldly states. “I purely believe you have Hanahaki.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s an illness. It’s fatal and deadly if not treated.”
The words fatal and deadly stick to Muu like tree sap, engulfing her mind. If she died, she wouldn’t be able to see Rei. If there was an afterlife, Muu’s soul would be trapped from the world below her, possibly spectating as Rei falls for anyone except Muu.
And she knows that the sight would kill her all over again.
Once Muu reaches home, she does as best as she can to research more on the illness she had. It wasn’t contagious— then again, Rei would be sick if it was. Her friends have been more avoidant, but they still expressed their fret over Muu. Then again, she wouldn’t be surprised if her friends left her. Why would she?
She’s laying down in her bed, silk sheets covering the lower half of her body dressed in sleeping wear as the only light source is radiating from her phone; her thumb idly scrolls, reading more and more articles.
‘Hanahaki Disease.’ The article’s header read. ‘ How to treat this global floral illness, and more.’
Muu clutches her own clothing in anger and exhaustion when more flowers begin to clog her lungs. She does nothing but swallow it all down, the uncomfortable leaves and stems being sent down along with ounces of blood.
Whatever. She just proceeds reading.
‘ Hanahaki Disease is a type of disease that affects the lungs, lining of the throat, and stomach. Most symptoms will occur after 4-7 days of strong, unrequited romantic interest of the victims.’
Everything made sense after that. It wasn’t a shocking or mind blowing discovery to Muu, because she already knows Rei couldn’t love someone like her . But if she knew that there would be a heavy cost to pay for being infatuated with Rei, she has to ask herself—
Would she do it all over again?
Muu’s swiping her screen faster. It’s no doubt that she’d been hiding her illness from her parents, because she knew that if they paid for treatment they’d use that situation against Muu in future lectures. For what seemed like forever, from a young age, Muu has always kept secrets like this to avoid anyone witnessing her weaknesses.
‘… only treatment is surgery or gradually losing feelings. Common side effects of undergoing surgery are: completely forgetting the previous person the victim had romantic association with, memory loss, chest pain, and frequent asthma attacks.’
Forgetting?
It takes a moment for it to fully click. If Muu wanted to be cured, she would have to forget Rei— her savior— the only one that even bothered to understand her, the only one that wouldn’t shrug her problems away. The only girl in what seemed like the vast abyss of the universe who has seen Muu collapse and wail, displaying the drop of weakness in her body that was orignially reserved for only herself.
She didn’t want to forget Rei—
Couldn’t forget Rei.
If she forgot Rei, her life would have no purpose anymore. If she were to undergo the procedure of a surgery, she would just be a braindead figure walking around; no Rei to think about, no reason to keep on living.
And the thought makes her more frightened and terrified than she knows she should be.
“ This is the penalty for your sins .”
The low, threatening and feminine husky voice rang through the prison cells. Muu can barely shape out what's happening as she rolls over in her bed, engulfing herself in her sheets, wishing to sleep through the night a little longer. Es had fallen to sleep, which meant the prisoners should be in their cells; obedient and about to drift off.
Not for Prisoner 010, Yuzuriha Kotoko.
Muu doesn’t speak to Kotoko— and she’s grateful that she hasn’t, because Kotoko’s walking around the cells with a dark, long slender weapon of sorts being dragged behind her steps. Through the void of darkness, Muu shuffles closer to the edge of her bed, strands of hair sticking to her face messily as she observes what could possibly be occurring during this time.
Another figure is outlined through the midst of night, short golden hair kept neatly against a long and almost dress-like prisoner outfit. Typically, Muu would think it was Yuno by the custom tailored outfit alone since everyone had their differences in their uniforms; but with the hair, she very soon came to the conclusion that Prisoner 006, Shiina Mahiru, was with Kotoko.
Muu’s eyes narrow. Suspicion stirs in her stomach, and she hopes that maybe she’s overthinking. But with the sentence she overheard earlier, she knows that there would be no possible positive connotation or outcome.
Yet again, she shuffles closer to hear the two.
“Sins? Kotoko, I think none of us are better than the other.” Mahiru confidently explains, yet to Muu she seems on the verge of fear. “What’s going on? Why do you have that weapon with you?”
In what looks like a pure and raw genuine moment of patience, Mahiru dares to step closer to the deadly girl, still gripping her weapon tightly as Mahiru raises a hand up, beginning to motion it near Kotoko’s cheek.
“What’s wrong?”
Before Muu can even blink, Kotoko’s bashing Mahiru’s arm with her weapon, a sharp cry of unexpected pain and panic erupts from Mahiru, terrified. Scarlet liquid manages to seep through Mahiru’s skin, and Muu’s eyes widen with terror.
Es was asleep. That’s what Muu remembered, as she swallows the guilt of a bystander.
No, it was going to be alright, it was going to be fine. Muu just has to go to sleep again, she would just deafen out the screams from Mahiru, then forget about it all in the morning. It was going to be okay.
Everything was okay. Muu would be okay. She hasn’t irritated Kotoko in the slightest, so she wouldn’t be next.
“Koto—” Mahiru gets cut off by another hit towards her arms. Muu can’t place her eyes away from the gruesome scene; Mahiru’s already collapsed to her knees, droplets of blood scattered beside her. Kotoko’s expression is unreadable, and for a moment, Muu shivers. “Kotoko, please— !”
And her pleas are heard.
Kotoko brings the weapon from Mahiru to her own self, noticing that it was subtly dripping with blood. She scoffs.
“What do you want?”
Mahiru does nothing but smile at the dry reply, and she’s breaking into a fit of silent cries while keeping her bright grin, blood still oozing out from the injuries paired with purple bruises on her. “I don’t know what I did to upset you, but please… let’s talk about this. I know you wouldn’t want to do this to me, right?”
“You have no effect on me, Shiina. I’m simply affirming my beliefs. The major element that differs and contrasts us is our trial verdicts.” Kotoko’s preparing to swing her dark weapon again, and Muu winces, squinting as she doesn’t want to see anything more of the brutal scene unraveling in front of her.
Another swing. Muu hears it, she hears it all.
As Muu buries herself and closes her ears with fists, about to cry, because she knows nobody would see her. She can reveal weakness just this once in the gloomy night, because nobody will ridicule her or attempt to accuse her of faking it. Nobody will ever be by her side, no matter what.
“Ko—Kotoko…” Mahiru’s voice chokes out. “I… forgive y—you… whatever you to do to me…”
She can’t take it anymore. Muu feels as if she’s growing sicker and sicker by the minute as she lets go of her ears while spectating the gruesome show in front of her because she just can’t look away no matter what. She wants to rip her pink hair out in frustration and fury, yet swirled in with melancholy and familiarness. She just wants to run, just wants to get out of this shitty hell. She knows that with one wrong turn, she’d be next.
A few seconds pass, at least that’s what Muu guesses. But Kotoko suddenly stops with her attack, and that’s when Muu comes to the heavy heartbreaking reality of the atmosphere she’s in. Now it actually seemed like a prison.
Mahiru’s words seemed to reach or at least grasp some of Kotoko’s consciousness, because she loosens her hold on her weapon, slightly shifting away from a bloodied and battered Mahiru, who still had the naïve and forgiving sweet smile on her face. Almost as if Kotoko actually
thinks about what she’s doing; and she seems to process what she’s inflicting on to Mahiru.
To Muu’s horror, that doesn’t stop her.
“ Shut up— SHUT UP .” Kotoko pants, and she lunges at Mahiru, harsh fists curled around the base of her weapon, now recognized as a bat through the dimmed ceiling lights as she bashes Mahiru’s head, but Mahiru doesn’t say anything in reply. Just small, pitiful cries and winces of pain. “I’ll make you forget that I ruined you— I’ll make sure that you shut up… and…”
Once more, a weighted clash to the head, except Mahiru has given up on shouting in pain. Velvet scatters to the ground, on Kotoko’s figure, and it stains Mahiru’s uniform. At this point, Muu finally rubs her eyes and turns her back to the front of her cell for good. She doesn’t wanna listen anymore. She doesn’t wanna watch, because she knows she’s been in that exact position before.
Alone is what Muu is, as she sits and rocks herself gently, tears bursting out before she panickedly knuckles them off her elegant features. All she can envision whenever she closes her eyes are Mahiru’s bleeding and the way her body got more and more limp, and—
Rei.
The day’s sky has never once felt so long and unappealing, melting with pink and orange hues for everyone below to witness. In truth, the sky was just a smooth canvas for students like Muu to look up at; even if she never was particularly piqued by artistic subjects.
But today, Muu has no time to waste in admiring the stars that she’ll never reach within her short sight. She made that choice to stop chasing, and to live for herself.
Perhaps the last time she ever stopped racing after the stars is ironically when she’s extending her hand out to Rei’s limp shoulder beside the beds of yellow carnations, And that makes Muu’s insides bubble up with an emotion that she couldn’t describe herself; no metaphor was even remotely close.
The same Rei that Muu has fallen for, the same Rei that has seen all and each inner layer of Muu’s persona. The same Rei that Muu knows won’t ever reciprocate or share romantic interest in her, but yet she still continues on, predator desperately and hungrily going after its prey. It’s always been in Muu’s power to snap her jaws against the weak and brittle prey so that she can feed her ego.
“Rei?”
Muu pokes Rei’s cheek. It’s cold. Her corpse is cold. Rei’s dead, clouded eyes are still open, facing the side. The local crows flutter around in circular motions while chanting their songs, and Muu pays no attention to them. She was free now, free from the illness that had her curled around Rei’s finger like a moth to a flame.
A pause of silence.
“ Rei .” She says more sternly.
There’s no pain, no grieving or mourning as Muu had already done that when she proceeded with her murder. Instead she just finds herself having a light cough— which makes her produce a singular asphodel flower from her throat.
If authorities spotted her right now, she knows she’d be arrested and sent to a mental institution immediately, but she doesn’t care about that. The only thing she cares about is spending her final moments together with Rei, before she buries her with all the flowers she had vomited up for the past few months.
“ I love you, Rei .”
Muu’s whispering into Rei’s ear. She just faintly retracts herself away when there’s no reply. Only emptiness and no noise consumes her, as Rei’s own blood dries on Muu’s legs, hands, and face. Whatever— Rei was never that expressive or emotional, she never wore her feelings on her sleeve.
Someone such as Muu shouldn’t be leaned over a dead body, talking to them peacefully as if they’d say something back. Someone such as Muu shouldn’t be grinning because she’s free from the chains that linked her to such a closed off girl.
She hates Rei.
So much.
Even after all the time they would spend together, all the time Muu would provide Rei with gifts, or show her Muu’s true identity and self— Rei would never want her. That didn’t align with Muu’s morals, and it was rather an obstacle. She wanted to live— and without Rei, maybe it would be better. Maybe everything would be much lighter and easier to digest if Muu pretends that she’s always hated Rei.
It was just easier to pretend all over again. Opening up to someone was very clearly a mistake.
And yet Muu knows she would do it again. If she turned back time and knew what was going to happen, she would gladly fall in love with Rei, and struggle to gasp for air because of it. She could never forget Rei— living with the memory of Rei was exactly what she wanted.
Muu couldn’t stand to be a faded spirit watching Rei have interest for someone else, and Muu couldn’t tolerate living with such a strenuous illness. Maybe this was the best outcome— for Muu, she thinks it is. It has to be.
“Okay. That’s enough now, for Muu.”
She pats Rei’s scalp, still displaying affection towards the girl. It was more of an act of slight regret and wanting to still show some decency towards the girl, even if she had cured herself. She was finally free from Rei. She had control in her life again, and she would be okay.
Muu raises a hand near her face to observe. Red, drenched in Rei’s own stupid blood from her insides, and yet Muu can’t help but twistedly laugh lightly to herself, before it turns into pained and horrified cries.
Asphodels scatter around Rei’s cadaver while Muu sighs, and she’s rising up, an eerie shadow casting across the body of the last person that ever truly cared about Kusunoki Muu.
Cured is what Kusunoki Muu is, only physically.