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Sarah sat on the grass, her knees hugged to her chest, waiting for JJ. She had texted him but she was not even sure whether he had his phone back.
Trying to relax her racing thoughts, she gazed out at the ocean. She was homeless. She. Sarah Cameron. Homelessness was one of the things she had never had to be afraid of.
When she heard the roar of a motorcycle engine, she stood up, relieved to watch JJ pulling up to the curb. He turned off the engine and removed his hat, revealing a mop of messy hair before he put it back on again. He flashed her a confused grin, and Sarah felt a sense of relief wash over her. In a way, JJ was home. One fifth of a home for Sarah and she knew that it had to be the same to him. The bond that the group has grown over the past weeks was something incredibly unique, they all knew that. Merely looking at JJ brought a nearly overwhelming sense of comfort.
“What are you doing here?” JJ asked, his eyes darting toward the house, suddenly overcome by shame. The house was a mess, on the outside as much as inside. His first impulse was that he could not bear letting Sarah see what once was his home. The place where he grew up. In the dirt.
Sarah took a deep breath and looked at him. “I got into a fight with John B. I can't stay at his place tonight,” she explained.
He looked at her and nodded. “What about Kie?” He asked and felt his throat tighten around Kiara’s name.
“Her parents wouldn’t let me in,” Sarah said, tears pooling in her eyes now. “Look, JJ, I'm sorry to bother you, I really am,” she said, her voice wobbly, “But I had nowhere else to go.”
He bit his lip and shook his head, trying to fight down the variety of feelings inside of him. “You’re not bothering me, Sarah,” he then said, his voice soft. “It just…” He motioned toward the house. “It’s not Tannyhill.” Sarah chuckled through her tears. JJ smiled a sad smile at that. “It’s also not the Chateau… it’s… um…” It’s a roof over their heads for the night. That’s what the Maybank house was right now. A roof over their heads. And as much as JJ could not bear the thought of Sarah Cameron in this house, he certainly would never send someone away who did not have a place to stay. “It’s a shithole, really.”
“I don’t care, JJ,” Sarah said, “I honestly don’t.”
JJ nodded again and took a deep breath. Okay then.
They walked inside the house together. Sarah looked around, taking in the cluttered space and the worn-out furniture while JJ tried keeping his gaze down, not able to bear looking at Sarah and find any disgust - or worse, pity - in her face. “This, um,” he motioned toward the mattress on the porch, “This is where I sleep.”
Sarah nodded and swallowed. She could not imagine growing up like that. Amidst this much clutter and beer cans and bottles and dust. “You don’t have a room?” She couldn’t help but ask in disbelief.
JJ laughed without humor. “Of course I do. It’s upstairs. You can sleep in there if you want. I just…” He shrugged. He had tried to sleep in there but he just couldn’t. “I couldn’t sleep in there. I needed air and… yeah.” He shrugged again, aiming for nonchalance.
Sarah’s eyes widened slightly. She learned and understood so much more about JJ in the last few minutes than probably ever before. She wondered if JJ had ever let himself be this vulnerable around her. The answer was no, he had not. There was no place on this earth where JJ would be more vulnerable than here.
The thought tugged at Sarah’s heart. She watched as he put his backpack on the counter, knocking over some empty bottles in the process. “I found a couple of dollars on the street and I got bread and some peanut butter and… beer. I’m sorry, I don’t have anything else.”
“ Found , huh?” She asked and grinned at him, trying to lift the mood.
JJ gratefully took the opportunity. “Yeah well, semantics.”
“I didn’t know you knew the word ‘semantics’.”
“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, actually,” JJ said with a grin. Sarah winced at that, looking around the kitchen again. It was true, she had not known this about him. She had heard things about his dad, some stories John B or Kiara had told her, some hints the Pogues would drop, some remarks JJ himself would make here and there, but seeing JJ in this environment, in this house made everything so much more real.
Stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the state of this house, JJ ignored Sarah’s face at his last statement and quickly continued. “I’m full of surprises, you know.”
“You are,” Sarah said with a smile, focusing on him again. “How about you surprise me with the best peanut butter sandwich in history?”
JJ grinned at her, thankful again and just rolled with it. “Oh, I will,” he said, grabbing bread and the peanut butter glass, “I will surprise the shit out of you, Sarah Cameron!” Sarah laughed. Despite the aura that lingered around this house, she suddenly felt lighter than she had all day.
They went back outside, climbed into a very old hammock that threatened to tear any second and munched on as many sandwiches as they could before they got sick. They chatted and bickered, both of them very aware that they have never been this close before. It felt good though, it felt right - and it was so damn comforting not to be alone right now. They felt like family.
As the night wore on, and it got a bit chilly in the hammock, they went to JJ’s mattress on the porch. They talked about everything and nothing for hours. They reveled in memories of Poguelandia, their own little paradise. It seemed like a distant dream now. They talked about how they should have never come back to Kildare.
Eventually, the conversation turned to their dads. JJ knew enough about the Camerons to know that Sarah's dad had been abusive, a different kind of abusive than Luke but abusive nevertheless.
“I’m glad he’s gone, you know,” he then said, his hands trembling. He sat on them to try and hide it. “I don’t know what he would do if he was here. The thing is… maybe he would be happy to see me after all this time, you know? Maybe he would be glad…” He did not voice the other option. “You just never know with him.” He was silent for a bit before he went on. Talking about his dad made him want to vomit. “I wished so many times that he would just leave and never come back, but now that he is actually gone…” He motioned at the house and the eviction sign and at the world in general. Then he tapped his chest, trying to soothe his anxiety. He did not know how to feel about any of this. He really didn’t. The only things JJ knew for sure was that he was hungry and sick of peanut butter sandwiches and that he was scared and that he was not ready to admit that.
Sarah understood. “I know how you feel, Jayj, trust me. I kind of feel the same. It’s a good thing that Ward isn’t here right now but at the same time…” Her voice trailed off as well, lost in memories she would rather forget.
They sat in silence for a little while, drinking from the cans of beer that JJ had bought with the stolen money.
“You know, for a very long time, I thought it was just normal that some kids get hit at home.” JJ swallowed at Sarah’s statement, wanting to interrupt but she continued straight away. “Ward, you know, he never hit me. Never. Looking back, I know he manipulated me and he lied to me, big time. But he never hit me. He hit Rafe though. Not as bad as Luke hit you, I guess, but still… He always had such a short fuse with Rafe. And there was always screaming and shouting and running and… my dad would say really terrible things to him.” She swallowed and rested her chin on her knee. “Sometimes I think that’s what broke Rafe the most.” She did not want to excuse anything Rafe had done to them or to any other person but at the same time she had a feeling that she knew where all of this was coming from and who was to blame for making Rafe into the person he was today.
JJ looked at her, deep in thought before he stared at the ceiling for a long time. “Yeah,” he agreed then, his eyes welling up with tears, “The physical pain is not the worst.” He felt a lump form in his throat, making it hard to speak. “It’s the feeling that comes with it.” The feeling that your own parent did not like you, the feeling that you were so unlikeable that they had to hurt you over and over again in whichever way they seemed fit, the feeling that your parents’ house was a place you needed to run from instead of a place you could feel safe in.
Suddenly, it was difficult for JJ to swallow, his throat tightening around his emotions again. “Can we talk about something else?” He said, staring at the ceiling again, his voice barely above a whisper.
Sarah turned and looked at him, studying his face, witnessing the flashes of pain in his eyes. She reached over and squeezed his hand, letting him know that she was there for him and it took everything in JJ to let her touch him, to let himself have this kind of comfort.
“Yeah,” Sarah said softly, feeling a rush of love for this guy, her boyfriend’s best friend, one of the closest friends she would ever have. “Let’s talk about something else.”
#
In the morning, JJ woke up from the rattling of glass and metal. He sat up straight, his first hunch these days always intruders. Dangerous, violent, armed intruders. What he did not expect to see was Sarah rummaging around the living room with a trash bag in her hand.
“Morning sunshine,” she said when she saw he was awake.
“Shit, Sarah, you scared the shit out of me,” He raked a hand through his hair and put on his hat. Then he watched her in bewilderment. “What are you doing, anyway?”
“Doing a bit of a clean up?”
“Yeah, I can see that, Sarah, thanks,” JJ mocked her. “But why?”
She turned to look at him, a renewed sense of mischief coming off of her in waves.
“I’ve been thinking,” she said conspiratorially, a smirk on her lips and a spark in her eyes, that definitely had not been there the day before. “How about, we go over to Figure Eight and earn some money so that we can pay rent and you won’t get evicted?”
JJ shook his head, biting the inside of his cheek. There it was again. The shame. “I tried that, no one is going to employ me.”
“I wasn’t talking about employment, JJ,” Sarah grinned. “We need money and we need it fast, so how about we work together and relieve some Kooks of the heavy weight of their wallets?”
JJ stared at her. Shocked. “Sarah Cameron,” he then said in disbelief. “I think we’ve corrupted you a little bit.”
Sarah scrunched up her nose and grinned at him. “Only a little bit.”
Then she got serious again. “Thank you for last night,” she said with an honest, grateful smile. “I don't know what I would have done without you.”
He shrugged, trying to play it cool. “No problem,” he said with a shy smile, “You, um, you can stay as long as you need to.” He froze when she gave him a short hug. Physical touch was always a challenge for him. “That’s what friends are here for.”