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They were lying in bed side by side looking at each other, but not touching.
„I thought I lost you.“ A single tear streamed down Mayas cheeks and Carina brought her hand to Mayas cheeks catching it trying to fight against her own tears gathering in her eyes.
„I thought I lost you too bambina.“ Carinas voice broke at the end of the sentence and she couldn’t keep the tears away any longer. Maya reached out a shaking hand but it was like she didn’t kow if she is allowed to touch her girl. Carina gently took her hand and rested it against her cheek leaning into Mayas touch.
„I once told Andy that I am scared of lashing out and that you won’t love me anymore. I still am.“
„Bella I could never stop loving you.“
„But I scared you.“
„You did but what really scared me was his voice in your head, his way hurting you still after so many years, how he took you away further and further.“
„It scared me too. It’s like he is living inside my head. But you know what the truth is I feel that for so long it is like he is always there. And I wanted to do it all alone I wanted to be able to make it alone. And I know I am like him I know I am like him. And I hurt you over and over again. I saw it in your eyes but I didn’t let myself feel. He always told me that feelings make you weak and I was already weak because I became this monster inside of me and I felt like somewhere in there there was this girl screaming what I am doing and to open my eyes but I just pushed her away I just pushed every ounce of love away because I didn’t deserve to be loved I didn’t deserve it and I needed all this love to go away because I only deserved the hurt and the punishment and I had to punish myself because thats all I felt I deserve.“
„Bambina“ Carinas whispered not being able to hold back anymore grasping for Mayas hands holding them tight.
„And you deserve so much better than me. What I said what I did I saw that you were hurt but I went on and on I didn’t stop I pushed you away and away and you stayed and you fought like you had to all your life but I didn’t let myself think of that I pushed and pushed and now we are here you are here but this is not fair.“ Maya was getting more and more out of breath she got agitated she pulled her hand away from Carinas and got out of the bed pacing the room. „No it is not fair to you what am I doing I hold you here I am this wife to hold you here you came back after all I did and I I I …
„Maya“ Carina tried calling her over and over again.
„No I can’t do this to you no I am him I am this partner what if I become an abuser maybe I already am no I can’t…“ Tears were streaming down Mayas cheeks. Carina was kneeling in the bed calling Mayas name over and over again but Maya didn’t hear her, she felt her chest tighten more and more. She felt the dizziness before her legs were giving away. But suddenly there were arms around her arms who hold her upright. Carina let them sink to the floor holding Maya close, but Maya fought against the hold she had on her, finally realizing Carina was right there holding her. She couldn’t hear her because of all the noises in her head. „No no please don’t please you have to go you have to leave please I don’t want you to get hurt even more please you have to protect yourself from me please.“ Maya choked because of the sobs and fought and fought herself out of Carinas arms but Carina didn’t let go, her heart was breaking for her girl but she didn’t let go. Maya was screaming again but it was this quite screaming mixed with crying and pleading for her to leave her.
„Bambina hey bambina you have to breath please Maya please breath amore.“
But Maya wasn’t hearing her she was shaking in her arms still whimpering for her to leave her. If she just could get her back in the bed to hold her. But she didn’t want to let her go to try so she pulled the blanket from the bed pulling it around them holding her tight. She was still trying to fight against it but she was getting weaker and Carina just hold onto her. She spoke to her in Italian until the sobs went away until the whimpers stopped. They were just sitting there Carina holding her girl.
„Please leave me you don’t deserve that please you fought your whole life to fix broken people please find someone who gives you the love you deserve please.“ Maya whispered.
„Bambina“ Carina sobbed.
„Please.“ Maya tried again. She never felt that hurt before hat broken that sad like in this moment.
„Bambina no.“
„Please I don’t deserve you please I don’t deserve you calling me that.“
„Hold onto me.“
„What?“
„Hold onto me my love.“
Carina was still holding Maya tight in her arms but Maya didn’t allow herself to hold onto Carina too. She looked up for the first time looking into Carinas eyes sawing so much sadness but so much more love.
„Per favore bambina.“ Carina pleaded tears streaming down her cheeks.
Maya carefully put her arms around Carina resting her cheek in the crook of Carinas neck. Carina did the same holding onto Maya for dear life.
„Breath amore breath.“
Maya finally took a deep breath.
After a while just holding onto each other until Mayas breathing got under control again, Carina asked: „Can we lay in bed again?“
„But you have to leave.“ Maya whispered brokenly.
„No bella I am right here right where I am meant to be I am home.“
She had to help Maya up but after five minutes of maneuvering they were laying in bed again, looking at each other like before but they were still holding onto each other not letting this distance between them again.
„I need you to listen to me right now.“ Carina said looking into Mayas eyes.
Maya nodded slowly scared what she will hear but Carina scooted closer brushing her nose against Mayas trying to reassure her before she took a deep breath.
„You hurt me you hurt me so much I can’t even describe but you want to know one thing. I saw her there were moments I saw this girl you heard screaming inside of your head. I saw my girl. I saw you and I knew that all this rage all this anger all this I don’t know how to describe was all coming from deep inside of you from years and years of abuse from years of pressure of anxiety but I knew you were right there right there hurting and I didn’t know what to do anymore because I felt you pulling away as if someone pulled you away from me. You are not holding me here bella, I am staying right here and I won’t leave you because I love you I love you so much that my whole body my soul everything hurt because of the way you were hurting of the way you are hurting. My love listen to me please you are not your father you were never your father and you will never be your father.“
Maya tried to look down but Carina brushed their noses together again and her favorite blue eyes met her brown ones.
„You are not your father. And now bella listen. Please you have to listen please.“ More tears were forming in Carinas eyes and Maya nodded.
„You are not an abuser. You are not an abuser. You are not an abuser and you will never be an abuser. You couldn't you won’t!!!“
„How can you be so sure? What is if you are just saying that because our relationship is such a toxic relationship like you heard before and you don’t see it you can’t see it.“
„Maya“ Carinas heart was breaking again and again.
„You are not an abuser and you never will be.“
„But“
„No bella“
Maya looked into Carinas eyes seeing nothing but honesty and love.
„Do you think an abuser is so scared of becoming one. Do you think they beg their partner to leave? Do you think they are punishing themselves like that? Do you think they think they deserve no love?“
Maya shrugged her shoulders feeling so little.
„No bella the answer is no."
"But"
"No bella you are hurt you were hurt so bad for so many years and you never really processed that and when things got scary in your job in these accomplishments you worked so hard for after all these rules you began to punish yourself and his voice got louder again. You worked after these rules you had to work after all these years."
Maya looked at her seeming so small.
"I am scared" she whispered and Carina saw her the little girl inside of her in this moment.
"I know but you know what you are not alone I promise and we will get through this together."
"I am sorry that I hurt you so bad I am so sorry" Maya sobbed.
"I forgive you bambina."
Maya looked at her with teary eyes taking a deep breath.
"And Maya you are my bambina and nothing is going to change that" she smiled pulling her girl even more in her arms.
Maya didn’t know that she could cry this much bit new tears were streamimg down her cheeks and Carina pulled her even closer until she was laying onto her chest and her head resting right over Carinas heart and she could hear it beating. She took a deep breath finally let the tension flow away from her body.
"I love you." Maya looked into Carinas teary eyes.
"I love you bambina." Carina smiled.
And that was the moment they finally were home again.