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Tony's not much for cats -- well, live animals, he's not admitting anything about how his bots like to stare at him creepily until he pets them, okay -- and Bruce is afraid of anything smaller and more fragile than him. Which is to say, everything. But Steve had appeared, put a box down, said, "Take care of them today," and disappeared again, and there was only a moment before the horrified suspicion filling the room had become horrified curiosity instead and then --
Well, mostly it was just horror.
There were live animals in that box. Steve had given Tony and Bruce live animals to take care of. Baby animals. Small delicate baby animals.
"It's a kitten isn't it," said Tony, staring from a safe distance. "It's multiple infant cats!"
"Tony, your powers of observation continually amaze me," said Bruce, which, fuck him, he was even further away than Tony.
"I've never seen one live," admitted Tony, taking a cautious step forward.
"What, never?" said Bruce.
"Well, my parents and animals," said Tony. "And then I was at school, and then I was at MIT, and then I was busy being drunk and making terrible life decisions. I think I saw a puppy at a charity event. Wait, there was a lab cat I knew once."
"You're never going to have kids, right?" said Bruce. "Just to make sure, because please never have children."
"Don't be ridiculous," said Tony. "Oh god, it made a noise! JARVIS, is it supposed to make a noise?"
JARVIS sighed and a page of cat care instructions came up on one of the windows.
"What was Rogers thinking?" said Tony, as one of them - it had sort of grey fur and a white shirt front - climbed laboriously out of the box and tumbled to the floor. "Where will they shit? Do they shit? JARVIS, call Pepper."
"Ms Potts is in Malibu," said JARVIS.
"Shit," said Tony. "Okay, we have the internet, we can do this."
"It's climbing up my leg," hissed Bruce.
"Call her anyway!" said Tony.
Pepper said, "You're bigger than the cats, Tony," and then, "No, seriously, I am in Malibu, I cannot fly across the country to help you herd cats," and then, "No, it is not in my actual job description, I just said it feels like it -- do not put it in my actual job description, Anthony Edward Stark," and finally, "just - Jesus Christ, look it up on the internet, ask JARVIS to order you a cat box, and keep them out of your lab. Play with them! Kittens are cute. And do you really want to admit to Steve you can't take care of a cat? Because he's going to be very disappointed in you."
"The problem is," said Tony glumly, "he totally is."
"They're climbing my chest," said Bruce piteously. "It really hurts."
"You have a lot of chest to climb, baby," said Tony, distracted, and then, "Please, please, please, I don't know what to do, and you know everything, please I am begging you, Pepper, there is an actual live animal climbing me like a redwood."
Pepper's mouth twitched.
"A redwood," insisted Tony.
"Enjoy playing with the kittens, Tony," said Pepper cruelly, and hung up.
"Natasha's somewhere," said Bruce, hanging up the phone. "Clint just laughed at me, and continued to laugh until he fell over and Coulson picked up the phone to say 'No' and hang up."
"The internet says only bad people give kittens milk," reported Tony. "And tuna is bad for them? Unless it's special, expensive tuna."
The kittens were tumbling over each other and smacking each other with tiny, frail paws armed with needle-like claws. They stared at them.
"I'm not even going to call Thor," said Tony eventually. "What if he calls his brother to help?"
"I bet Loki likes cats, though," said Bruce hopefully.
"He likes our pain more," said Tony. "He'd just sit there in his shiny gold helmet and laugh at us, and then he'd change the kittens into, into sabertoothed tiger kittens and set them to rend our very flesh apart."
"The PetCo delivery is here, sir," said JARVIS, mercifully.
"Hallelujah," said Tony. "JARVIS, keep searching for ways to amuse cats, and send that shit up right away. Bruce ... don't Hulk out over the kittens."
"Anger levels holding steady, Captain," said Bruce, saluting.
"I could make a better cat tree out of two chopsticks and a napkin," said Tony. "And it would be easier to put together too."
"They just ... fell asleep?" said Bruce. "Like, fell over."
"In the middle of biting my hand, no less," said Tony, nursing it tenderly. "Asshole."
"Do you think Steve named them?" Bruce said.
"I hope he did, because otherwise they're Asshole, Bitey and Terrible," replied Tony. "In fact, I'm going to make them little tags."
Bruce picked one up. "They're kind of nice. I mean, in a terribly fragile and kind of insane way."
"Don't start," warned Tony. "That's what cats do, you know. They're all cuddly and warm and make soothing noises when you pet them, and then the next thing you know you've redone your home in Early Crazy Cat Lady and are arguing on the internet about cat shit."
Bruce stared at him.
"I've been going through mailing lists," explained Tony. "And forum threads. And blogs. And maybe Tumblr but what Pepper doesn't know won't get my ass kicked, right?"
"That reminds me, did we eat today?" said Bruce.
"No," said JARVIS.
"Whoops," said Tony.
When Steve came back, Tony and Bruce were sprawled all over the couch, watching Mythbusters with dead eyes. Asshole was purring on Bruce's shoulder, Terrible was a limp sprawl of fur on Tony's lap and Bitey was living up to her name, kicking Tony's hand and chewing on it.
"Thanks for watching them," said Steve, picking up Bitey. "Hey, is that Thai?"
"Rogers, what the fuck were you thinking?" said Tony. "Yes, but it's the super hot curry, so -- sure, just sit down and eat it with the cat in your lap, that's great. Real sanitary."
"I knew you'd take good care of them," said Steve. "I found a place to keep them, though, so no wo--" his voice died away as Tony and Bruce swiveled around to look at him.
"A place to keep them," repeated Bruce. "That isn't here?"
"Well, yes," said Steve. "I mean, you two don't seem much like cat people, no offense." He looked at the way that Bruce was beginning to go a little green around the edges and swallowed nervously.
"I spent two thousand dollars on cat toys," said Tony.
"Or you can keep them," said Steve hastily. "I'm sure you'll be great cat parents, isn't that what they call them?"
"Asshole," said Tony, poking the kitten. "Wake up and bite your Uncle Steve."