Archive of Our Own

“He’s not normal.” The voice sounds low, acidic. It’s the tone generally used for spying, with enough dislike that it is possible to believe that they are talking about an enemy. Unfortunately, Kakashi realizes they are talking about him.

“I know, he’s so bitter,” the other member of the squad responds. His tone is muffled by the porcelain mask but it is still clear enough that Kakashi still hears it from his position just behind them.

There’s a general laugh at the comment. And Kakashi doesn’t know why. What is there to say anyway? He is the Copy Ninja. He kills his friends, and although it appears his teammates have forgotten, he is also their captain. The state of his soul should be unimportant to them--the only thing they should fear is being late.

“He’s always in a bad mood.” The mask hides their expression, but Kakashi can sense a smile in their tone. “He could do with a little loving.”

And Kakashi doesn’t understand that comment. The idea of love has always condemned him to pain, and he almost hopes to hear the rest of the things they always say: about how he’s the son of a traitor, that he’s the ninja who killed his own teammates. Kakashi has put up with comments about how solitary he is, and he doesn’t have anything to gain by listening now without preferring to turn around.

Of course, there’s another laugh, which isn’t normal for these kinds of comments. Most people at least fear him or feel bad for him, which is generally accompanied by disgust.

“I know,” the other agrees with an amused sound, his hands moving to make a motion over his pants. “He should at least do something to relax.”

His hand rises and falls in a rapid movement against his pelvis. Kakashi narrows his eyes and follows the motion, feeling his legs tense atop the branch he’s standing on while his brain fights to understand.

“That’s probably not enough.” The eyes of the falcon scan around, failing miserably to find Kakashi before whispering, “The boy really needs a love life, maybe that would be enough to stop him from being such a hardass.”

“For sure, someone should give him a little loving because he looks like he needs it. That way, he wouldn’t be so grumpy.”

It takes Kakashi an entire minute to understand what his teammates are referring to. The hand movement repeats, and slowly he process the joke and its meaning, feeling gravely offended in an instant.

“He’s a teenager,” the first one days, already choking on a smile, “at least, he looks like one.”

“He must be fighting against his hormones!”

Kakashi decides he can’t stand a moment more, and he jumps right in front of them in so impatiently and suddenly that it makes them groan and return to their places.

If Kakashi had been anyone else, he probably would have said something, or denied their accusation, but these things are stupid and he isn’t going to fall for it. He is a great soldier and he is not going to reveal anything about his private life, especially to a pair of idiots who assume weird things about their young captain.

They are definitely wrong.

“Let’s go,” he orders, spying on his teammates before following them down the road.

He’s not in a rush to return, but anyway, they hurry along the road and Kakashi rushes to separate himself from his squad, too uncomfortable and bad-humored to stand them for another second.

Despite his intentions, he cannot discard their words without hearing the absurd laughter of his two subordinates, who should be more mature than him, but they’re the ones who are amusing themselves saying idiotic things regarding their captain’s hormones.

Kakashi is self-aware. He knows about his body’s physical changes and needs. He isn’t an idiot about those things. He was sure that he didn’t need any physical or romantic contact to stop feeling like he was feeling.

He was suffering so much. He avoided all stupid therapy and he took refuge in his guilt. Probably the irritation was even coming from all the trauma and responsibility, and Kakashi can’t see how any of this is from his lack of a love life or any other stupid thing like that.

People died. People were a liability in the battlefield and Kakashi didn’t need any more distractions.

Kakashi wasn’t a kid. Neither did he want to be. He has either forgotten or never known how to deal with relationships and emotions. He also seems to be oblivious to those adolescent reactions, which are probably buried in some of the many tombs beneath his feet.

That’s the reason Kakashi ignores all that stuff. Pairing off, desiring others, mixing with his companions, falling in love, it’s simply going too far considering how much they fear him and his infrequent contact with other people.

He’s never desired human contact anyway. Hugs, kisses, sex. All that seems to cause conflict with him until he is full of aversion, without understanding anything more than the logical theory of the matter.

The very idea of physical contact beyond the tactical and the essential seemed unnecessary.

Really, Kakashi was not made for it.

That same evening, Kakashi is in the training field, spinning himself around in an attempt to calm his thoughts and the rage that only increases the tension in his shoulders, which are stiff because this version of himself is a little heavier from the weight he acquired during his last growth spurt.

He clumsily tries to relax, and fails. The missions seem longer every time, and Kakashi had been hoping for a little more endurance now that he is an inch taller, but he has only gotten more tired and more bitter, which has only made him even more aggressively annoyed.

He sticks a jump onto the branches with his feet, not surprised when he wobbles and falls to the ground like an idiot, overwhelmed by extra work and little sleep. Minato said that he should relax from time to time, but Kakashi didn’t agree.

The second attempt ends in a fall, probably because he is doing something badly and not because he is stressed or frustrated, definitely not because he used to be thinner before this period of adolescence, and definitely not because he has allowed himself to feel weak.

Kakashi is an adult. He can deal with this. His hands are still small in comparison to Minato but that doesn’t make him inferior; he can function. He has to grow more quickly, including against bodily fatigue, like none of his teammates have done.

After an hour, his feet slide in the mud, leaving him wasted, profoundly exhausted, begging for the break that he will not allow himself because what good would it do? Taking advantage of these benefits is only a weakness. Kakashi doesn’t need weakness even if he ends up alone and half crazy.

Of course, before Kakashi can get to his feet, he is rolled over by a gust of wind in his face. Then the sound of footsteps, as if there are thousand, and a brilliant green ray of light wash over him.

His eyes blink against the source of the light and warmth, squinting his unfocused eye on that silly smile and dark hair. A very annoying face though familiar, recurring, although unwanted, and Kakashi is too exhausted to flee in a cloud of smoke though he might still be infuriated enough to bother fighting with him.

“Kakashi, my Eternal Rival!” Kakashi grins at the voice, so loud and close. “Let’s have a challenge!”

Kakashi would like to say no and ignore him, but instead of that he feels a strange sensation of relief at his presence, consoling his muscles with the tone of his voice.

“Fine, we can do it,” he says in a bitter tone, because Kakashi has never been good at talking to people.

“All right!” Gai almost cried, moving his hands to form firsts. “It will be a great challenge, I promise!”

Then, almost clumsily, Kakashi smiles, only because Gai’s expression is so awkward for the kind of boy he is now, so far along in the growth of his body at his age, and not because of something weird inside him that is happy to see him.

“Let’s go, my Rival!”

Quickly, Gai presses against Kakashi’s side and surrounds his shoulders, gently grabbing Kakashi’s slim arms in his enormous and strong hands. His fingers are full of scars, long and dark. It makes Kakashi feel small and fragile, although not in a bad way, just a way that makes him slouch in Gai’s grip and sigh.

He is not sure of the reason, but finally Kakashi’s back seems less tense and his body slowly relaxes in the hold until the pain recedes a little beneath Gai’s massive and careful hug.

Although, of course, Kakashi completely refuses to believe it could be because of Gai.

Kakashi doesn’t think about Gai again until a week later, when he is crossing the border with his ANBU team and they stop at a small village inside the Land of Fire to rest.

Kakashi doesn’t argue about the place they ended up. He can barely see, his legs are shaking, and he has probably lost more blood than he would be willing to admit, which turns him into a silent and easily-manipulated doll that his teammates drag to sit in a large armchair beneath a flickering light.

As always, his teammates don’t speak to him. Kakashi is just thankful for the calm and silence while he blinks at the lamps and attempts to concentrate, quickly eating a tray of appetizers while recuperating his chakra.

He has finishing drinking all the juice on the table when his teammates get up and walk away from him, which could only mean that he is making them very tense or uncomfortable. Or both. Their dislike of him is not surprising. Kakashi simply takes it with his usual displeasure before his ears capture laughter.

Kakashi barely has time to lift his mask into place when the two turn toward him, sitting around him in a tight group that makes Kakashi’s body tense.

“Captain, you should have a little fun.” One of them pats his back, laughing between alcoholic breaths.

Kakashi is disgusted by the smell and he thinks he probably ought to abandon them right now. Of course, he is tired, fatigued as he always is lately, and he can’t do anything when the man shoves an alcoholic beverage into Kakashi’s hand and urges him to drunk it, which is probably a bad idea but intrigues him at the same time.

Kakashi has been killing since he was a kid. He’s never had a drink, and the taste and the excessively bitter smell makes him frown gently.

His teammate’s hand keeps touching him, which doesn’t make Kakashi feel likable or comfortable and fortunately he stops when the other one arrives to serve him a drink and fills his cup.

His teammates’ masks move from their places. Kakashi doesn’t recognize the faces beneath them, which is probably common for his ANBU teammates. The last ones died in uniform. Kakashi thinks if he has to die, he will die that way too.

“Well, tell us a little about yourself, captain.” The second man asks in a soft slur, clearly a bit drunk, and Kakashi cannot find the words to express how much he hates this idea, though neither was he going to respond.

“C’mon, tell us, what kind of girls do you like?” the first man continues, leaning so far onto the table that the tip of his nose touches the wooden tabletop with a movement. “Are they young girls your age, or older?”

“I hope they’re older!” The man, who Kakashi notices has the Inuzuka clan markings on his face, touches his shoulder. “You should go get one now.”

Kakashi doesn’t say anything, but neither does he resist the movements of his teammates, who are directing him towards the bar and leave him right beside a strange and overly-receptive woman.

In principle, Kakashi thinks he could. He is a man now, probably. It should be natural.

But then Kakashi feels the woman’s hand on his body, on top of his shoulder.

For some inexplicable reason, he thinks about how slim her hand is. Very fragile, dainty, weak, and he smirks with disgust while putting distance between her pressing body, thinking about how much he would like it if those hands were bigger, much, much bigger, powerful, clutching his skin familiarly.

He doesn’t say anything about it to anyone, of course. Anyway, Kakashi doesn’t think he can excuse his behavior without sounding weird or else blaming on the alcohol.

Kakashi returns to Konoha more quickly than planned, and he is once again surrounded by the daily life of the village, hiding himself in his apartment and walking his dogs far enough away that he can be with them hug them without anyone watching.

Of course, in a way he’s already expecting, Gai runs into him somehow, interrupting Kakashi’s much longed-for rest to chase him into a new and youthful challenge in which Kakashi is not sure he wants to participate (just like all the other ones, if he is being sincere).

Gai lands with both feet on the ground. He has grown even more than he had before and Kakashi feels a little jealous and a little uncomfortable when he sees all the changes in Gai’s body and the discovery that his tight jumpsuit clings to every new curve and swell of his muscles.

“I’ve been learning a new move!” Gai says while punching the air, spinning from one side to the other in front of Kakashi like a whirlpool, calling his attention with enthusiastic exclamations.

Kakashi leans against the tree behind him distractedly, with his mask covering the smile that has suddenly appeared and of which he isn’t really conscious until his face begins to tremble, a little hot, and he’s breathing with his mouth open.

Gai keeps moving, contorting himself into something that looks more like a dance that a move. Kakashi has to swallow as he follows the line of Gai’s shoulders and arms, which look bigger than they had any right to because Kakashi is sure that that his own body isn’t even small, but Gai was developing an extravagantly mature body.

“Look at this, Rival!” Gai spins on his axis, leaning forward in a way that doesn’t help Kakashi’s mind regroup itself, but instead makes him feel hot and heavy in a way that he’s probably never felt in front of anyone else.

He has only a few seconds of coherent thought before his body betrays him and a blast of hormones does crazy things in his head.

Kakashi has to tense his back. He doesn’t know what to do or what to say to make what he’s feeling make sense, but he lets his gaze wander as if it has a mind of its own, following the outline of Gai’s muscles beneath the cloth of his jumpsuit.

Kakashi would like to say that he wasn’t interested in seeing more, but his eyes get caught looking where they shouldn’t--at Gai’s crotch. Not Gai’s. And when his eyes fall on Gai’s hands, he remembers the awkward disaster at the bar, how unpleasant the woman’s hands had felt, and now he’s thinking about how much he would like Gai to touch him and squeeze him with his incredibly strong hands, pinning him against the ground or against a tree. Either one of those would be fine.

“What are you thinking, Kakashi?” Gai’s breath sounds short. His cheeks are colored with blood and for some reason Kakashi thinks that the sight is something he wants to look at and remember.

Kakashi’s mouth opens in order to respond, before realizing that he cannot say anything without sounding weird or pathetic, which is why he nods like an idiot and denies the fact that he is still looking at Gai’s hands, thinking about their weight, tempted to beg for a bit of contact with Gai’s shoulders, or in other places. He is not exactly sure he succeeds at denying it.

“Do you think this would be good in battle?” Gai questions, already overenthusiastic. Gai is really cheerful. He is incredibly positive in a way that is easy to admire. So happy and amazing. Even if he would never admit it, Kakashi appreciates all those things about him.

“Yeah, it’s fine, I guess,” Kakashi hopes his mask covers the blush on his skin and he gets up hesitantly. He still has a reputation to protect, after all.

In an excited movement, Gai jumps, taking a few steps until he can grab Kakashi’s shoulders in his hands, massaging the skin in a gentle gesture of friendship that for some reason makes Kakashi’s heart speed up and his body feel like butter.

He could almost bet it was a new technique, or else he’d lost chakra for some reason, which he shamefully dismisses when his crotch shamefully heats up and his pants get uncomfortably tight.

Gai doesn’t appear to notice, keeping his hands on Kakashi's shoulders for what seems like centuries, which only adds to the strange fantasy and the longing to beg for more things than he can confess.

In a moment of lucidity, terrified by his deep breathing and the wetness inside his underwear, Kakashi disappears in a cloud of smoke, abandoning Gai and leaving him confused.

Although Kakashi is no better off.

He has to fight against the urge to masturbate the following days, but nothing he does works.

Never mind that when he does, Gai comes into his mind at every moment, showing off his body full of curves at every angle and his brilliant smile adorned with a too-cute expression that makes Kakashi desire indescribable things.

Kakashi refuses to go out with Gai for a while, during which he refuses to leave his room, shutting himself inside for enough time to try and clear his head, considering that it is only because of the idiotic comments of his teammates that he is questioning this part of himself.

It doesn’t mean that he wants an intimate bond with Gai, because this impulse of desire is probably only due to hormones and proximity.

Gai is the only one who had not left Kakashi’s side, even after everything. Gai’s body was familiar to him, and that was probably the reason for the way he’d reacted. It was just a series of impulses.

Even so, Kakashi ended up in his bed three times a day, reclining against the pillow, moving in embarrassing and denigrating ways, touching himself like he had never needed to and like he’d never thought he would have to.

In an instant, the pleasure turns into pain, and Kakashi feels dirty and jaded. Angry he is so weak against his desires. Vulnerable, like an idiot.

It was not his intention to include Gai in the mess of his fantasies. None of this was, but Kakashi hoped that each of burst of desire was fleeting and things could soon return to normal when he is finally able to satiate his impulses.

Nothing much changes as the days pass, except that Kakashi denies this part of himself, assuring himself that each episode of arousal was triggered as just a stage of adolescence and not due to the fact that thinking about his friend caused him to have erections.

He avoids Gai for whole two weeks, enough time that his dick starts to hurt and he quits the habit of living with a hand inside of his underwear the majority of his solitary hours.

Gai doesn’t bother him during this time, which was probably mostly due to his tendency to forget everything. Probably the next time he sees Gai, Kakashi wouldn’t have any problems, and finally he is proud to leave this terrible lapse of judgment behind him (which for some reason almost seems kind of painful).

Kakashi maintains his distance anyway, crawling to the ANBU barracks more often than he should just to maintain his distance from Gai, knowing perfectly well that the boy has no access to their bases.

He ends up taking a new mission, one that he really hopes will distract him enough to stop thinking about Gai’s hands, or about his wildest fantasies that were only about bodies frotting against each other, without really knowing how sex should look.

Kakashi is delayed in an enemy base, taking long moments to go over his things before destroying the place, in cause the neighboring village’s forces plan an attack.

His hands shuffle through a pile of papers, going through endless information before the brightly-colored cover of a magazine grabs his attention.

It’s not the first time Kakashi has seen a naked body, but on this occasion, it’s the figure of a man that attracts him. Tall, muscular--he denies thinking that the burst of heat in his cheeks is because of someone’s dark hair and black eyes, deep, as though Kakashi were looking at someone else.

Awkwardly, shamefully, Kakashi takes the magazine and hides it under his clothes. It’s not that he can’t buy his own pornography, but he isn’t sure how to get pornography, and neither is he sure that it’s a good idea to want pornography in the first place.

Kakashi masturbates in the middle of his mission, which is absolutely unusual and humiliating.

He pages through the magazine a dozen times, but ends up on a page with one man in particular, with a bronzed body, muscles, and a cock so enormous that it hangs between his legs like an exaggeration.

Kakashi’s cock looks small next to it and for some reason, his mind insists on conjuring the image of his best friend, in the fantasy of his naked body and the memories and the question that prickles beneath his tongue--what will Gai’s cock be like now?

Kakashi had seen it a few years ago, only due to a stupid childish game after which Gai caught him urinating. Then, of course, Kakashi had wanted to watch. And he’d had more on his mind than just watching.

He can’t stop thinking about those kinds of things the rest of the mission.

He sees dicks all around him. Weapons look like phalluses. Rocks like cleavage, mountains like an ass. Trees are fat and rough like a flushed cock and Kakashi caresses the bark and slowly eats a banana they gave him in the last village, keeping an extra one in his bag for reasons that he cannot understand.

He was distracted when he completed the mission, looking at a vine of eggplants thick enough to grab his attention when the last enemy falls and he doesn’t realize it.

One of his companions pulls him from his fantasy, palming his shoulder before pushing him forward a little, which is unusual for anyone as skilled as Kakashi, who generally acts very annoyed.

“Something happen, captain?” The boys seems seriously worries, which makes Kakashi feel a little guilty for having been thinking about the way tree roots look like thighs and the mountains surging all around.

“OK, let’s go,” he says, even though his voice is distracted.

The second in command reaches them a moment later, giving Kakashi another unsolicited touch. “You shouldn’t come on missions if you’re not concentrating. You should take a break, Captain. Get your shit in order, and enjoy yourself a little while you’re alive and young.”

Of course, not one of his companions have any idea what is going through his mind, but Kakashi smiles anyway, just to distract himself for a moment when the birdsong starts to sound a little too much like a sound of pleasure.

There isn’t any way to consult Minato about this, which is why Kakashi decides to search for Jiraiya and ends up dumped in front of a bookshop full of his books. Which probably isn’t the same as advice but maybe it won’t be too bad.

Afterward, he has a pile of books in his bedroom, full of bright covers and titles that probably have nothing to do with the description on the back cover.

“Tactics of Seduction,” the first part of the as-yet-unfinished series Icha Icha that Master Jiraiya had written.

Lazily, Kakashi begins to read, discovering slowly that something about text is much more erotic than looking at the photographs in the pornographic magazine that he keeps under his bed.

His breathing is accelerated after only a few pages, too absorbed in the plot to pay attention to his erection, or to realize what he was imagining, descriptions of thighs and bodies, their movements, the way each sensation is described. It makes him twist against the sheets like a man possessed.

His face feels too hot when a sex scene begins. Kakashi humps with his dick stiff between his legs, reading and imagining, pressing his ankles together to balance himself, thrusting his body against the sheet to create friction on his naked chest.

Slowly he realizes that it is not the description of the heroine’s voluptuous breasts that are making him sigh, not even her thighs or the pink shape of her vulva.

Kakashi stretches and rereads the same parts. The muscular chest of the hero, his dark hair, his heavy, wide hands. The way his fingers thrust into her underwear.

The sex is described in detail this time, and Kakashi wonders where he should put his fingers, or maybe where someone else should put them.

The implication of this question leaves him trembling, reading the same lines over and over, substituting a large part of them with images from the magazine, of muscles beneath green fabric, with short, black hair, straight, and the fantasy of Gai with his hands rubbing against Kakashi’s shoulders, lowering towards his chest, over his hips, thrusting inside his underwear.

This time the fantasy is more explicit, uncontrollable, so far away from his first session full of longing for clothed bodies frotting together and curves molded from training.

This time there is nudity, and more and more questions, and when the hero ends the undercover mission and is in a public bath, Kakashi can not avoid marveling at the description, the way Jiraiya has described every curve, their genitals, their voluptuousness.

His eyes get stuck a couple of paragraphs later, on the line Kakashi cannot get out of his head: “masculine anal penetration.”

Kakashi swallows instantly.

Well, they never said anything about this when he was at the Academy, so he can only keep reading, touching his thighs, where they tease close to his painfully-hard erection.

Masturbation becomes unsatisfying very quickly, which is why Kakashi is fighting against new impulses and new ideas swimming in a mind that is already too fixated on sexual information that probably would be considered inappropriate even for a mature adult.

It doesn’t really matter to Kakashi, of course, like it’s never meant anything, and he walks around Konoha with a copy of Icha Icha in his hand, just in front of his nose, which for some reason only succeeds in making people stay further away from him. At least he can thank Jiriaya for that later.

Eventually he bumps into Gai when he is off from a series of missions that started and ended one right after another.

Kakashi repeats to himself that these encounters are no more than coincidences. The village is small, so no one should suspect that the way that Kakashi ends his walks on Gai’s street, or in the tree of his favorite training ground, or at the dango place, or on the next block over from his apartment, at his favorite store, or casually perching on the edge of his balcony, is anything more than an accident.

Gai doesn’t seem to be annoyed, of course, he is simply too innocent to suspect the sorts of things he has put into Kakashi’s mind.

He and Gai walk together everywhere, completing stupid challenges or simply chatting about stuff, mutually accompanying each other to their apartments or training together in man-to-man combat that makes Kakashi’s imagination soar.

Gai is coming back from a voyage to the middle of Fire Country in a few weeks, a fact that Kakashi prefers not to think about until it is night and he is alone, full of regrets for each time that he swears he will not fall back into his absurd desires, which he practically forgets when the sun sets.

He can’t be without Gai after that, even if he doesn’t act like it.

Kakashi hides himself in the trees during the time that they are not together. He sees Gai in his imagination during long missions, thinking that Gai could be between the trees, looking so hard he can nearly see him, which only causes additional arousal during his night watch duty in the woods.

When Gai returns to the village, Kakashi’s head is tired from his long dreams, and when he runs into Gai, he is thankful that he can feast his eyes on Gai’s muscles, all the while ignoring and feigning irritation at the long minutes Gai spends talking about the madness of the day without stopping.

They are training again, and Kakashi is fighting against the distraction of Gai’s muscles, his wide back, his thick arms, the way that his spandex jumpsuit moistens with sweat and turns transparent, sticking to his body so tightly that seems as if it is nothing more than a thin coat of paint, which only results in more and more things that make Kakashi desire Gai with so much urgency that he dives into his book looking for a scene to visualize.

When the two of them sit down after a long day of work, Kakashi takes out his book and reads between the lines, keeping his lazy glare focused on Gai’s shoulders, which remain straight and tempting. Kakashi is also quite distracted by the sound of his breath and the way his eyes flash with the light of the sun.

The usual goosebumps cover him and Kakashi holds his book up to hide his smile, finally captivated by the passages that talk about sensations, sex, longing, emotions.

Kakashi’s fingers feel stiff when he turns the page, gripping it with sweaty fingertips and wetting the paper when they speak about true love in intense declarations, about romance, which has always seemed completely inaccessible to Kakashi.

Of course, everything bubbles in his chest and he doesn’t realize that he is searching for the scent and sight of Gai until strangely, everything clicks in his head.

Anyway, Kakashi has become enamored with this face, with its strength and its impetuousness, with its capacity to light up and love. How easy it is to relate to him and the happiness that he receives from all of it, obtains from it.

It is not just a physical attraction, or anything that can be seen at a glance. It would still be there in Gai’s vibrant voice, his happiness, his strength, his black eyes, the way he motivates Kakashi to be a little better every day, the unconditional support without expecting thanks or recognition that has saved Kakashi’s life on more than one occasion.

Slowly Kakashi swallows, feeling totally embarrassed now that he is conscious of his feelings, scared by the same measure, anxious to escape even when they stand up together and Gai accompanies him to his apartment, talking about things Kakashi doesn’t understand well because he is too entranced by Gai’s gestures and the smooth sound of his voice vibrating in his ears.

Gai lingers at Kakashi’s door, talking about a couple more things while Kakashi considers letting him in, although he is not sure that that he can imagine what to do after that.

His hand twists in the air when he tries to say goodbye, aware that he wants a kiss. Or lots of kisses. Or more.

Gai’s smile grows with his extremely slow goodbye in the hall, walking away until Kakashi loses sight of him, but even then, he cannot stop thinking about him.

Kakashi doesn’t allow anything to happen, because what could he hope for? They are ninjas, and Kakashi is too deep in the shadows to consider anything that isn’t worrying about his missions and climbing up the ranks of ANBU.

He forces himself to take long missions, punishing and torturing himself for leaving so far away, running ahead of his team at every possible chance just to avoid getting involved with them, as if he is eager to die, which is probably true.

Minato makes a face toward him when Kakashi returns from his last voyage, barely alive, his mouth full of blood, most of his ribs broken, and a punctured lung.

He wastes too much time in the hospital, which usually means annoyance, and he is anxious to throw himself out the window and flee from the nurses.

This time, of course, when he opens his eyes he is not alone, and he is confronted with a tender and worried gaze that makes Kakashi feel a little guilty about his imprudence. He twists his lips, making sure he doesn’t cry.

Instead, Gai does cry, for them both. Like this, so sentimental, he looks younger than Kakashi, more likable, sweet and innocent.

Kakashi can almost believe that all of this is a tragedy. It doesn’t seem fair that no one else has committed the mistake of falling in love with Gai. Why did it have to be Kakashi? Why not someone terrible who would deserve it? Why Gai, after everything, when he was so kind that Kakashi was afraid to touch him?

Maybe this is the reason why he hadn’t wanted to get involved. People served as a strategy, but loving them has always seemed too fragile and complicated, the kind of thing that Kakashi doesn’t want to have to deal with again because he must not lose them.

To love Gai is, by a longshot, the worst idea Kakashi has ever had. To start anything would be a mistake for both of them.

His closeness with Gai had been a mistake from the start. He’d believed that he was strong enough to keep everything under control, always keeping people far from his space, avoiding emotional entanglements whenever it was possible, keeping any contact or familiarity at a minimum.

Now Gai is everywhere, deep in his mind, riveted on his sexuality, recording the details of his scent and his presence, even carving them into his hands, like another skin.

Kakashi is terribly and irredeemably in love, he has no idea how, but he’s terrified that things will end badly, like everything that involves emotions.

But it’s certain that he has neither the time nor the will to maintain a romance and then lose it completely.

Awkwardly, Kakashi closes his eyes, ignoring Gai’s whining, ignoring that he can perceive his hand or his closeness when Gai embraces him gently and once more, his shoulders relax Gai’s arms and against his chest, and how much longer could Kakashi resist him?

He escapes from the hospital while Gai is sleeping in the chair, stumbling all through the village until he arrives at his apartment around midnight, passing out in his bedroom.

The next time he opens his eyes, he is arranged beneath the sheets, with the pillows in place and the odor of fresh food coming from the kitchen.

“That wasn’t necessary,” Kakashi says when Gai carries a bowl of soup to the side of his bed, lifting a small spoonful of the hot broth in order to offer it to Kakashi, who swallows it and is immediately pleased by the taste, denying to acknowledge the source of the satisfied sound he makes.

“It’s the least I could do for my rival!” Gai shouts and lifts another spoonful toward him, keeping his free hand under the spoon to catch any drops that spill, which causes Kakashi a hint of shame.

He is ANBU, not a baby, but in any case, he closes his eyes and opens his mouth when Gai leans toward him.

Kakashi chews the little pieces of pasta distractedly, surprised by the taste, thinking awkwardly about a line from Icha Icha where the heroine nursed the hero back to health and between the flirtatious closeness full of cheesy flattery and declarations of love until it makes him feel embarrassed.

Of course, the real shame arrives a moment later, when Gai stirs a little of the broth in the bowl before giving him a half smile.

“Kakashi, I have been really worried! I don’t know what I would do without you.” Gai unconsciously bites his lower lip, which is worried gesture that should not look as sensual as it does. “Though of course, I should not expect less of my Rival! You are amazing, Kakashi, always so cool, typical of the man of my destiny.”

Gai’s recurrent nonsense turns into a romantic speech in Kakashi’s ears, so closely resembling the cheesy things they said in Jiraiya’s novel that Kakashi’s ears turn red from wondering if Gai is using these words as a romantic declaration, though he is too awkward and scared to ask.

His heart thumps against his broken ribs painfully, and Kakashi loses himself in the memory of the scene, mixing it with his imagination, a scene with him and Gai, with all its new possibilities, thinking what if things between the two of them ended in doing perverted things like the romantic leads in Icha Icha.

He’s shaken from his fantasy when Gai nudges him gently with his hand in front of him, slowly moving the spoon.

“Come on, open your mouth, I’m going to put it in.”

Kakashi blushed to his ears at the innocent line, thinking about the way it could mean other things, so many different things.

Kakashi obeys, closing his eyes to receive the spoon and the metal slides a little too deep, making him imagine that it could be something else, that Gai could really be offering to put much more interesting things inside his mouth.

That day, Kakashi discovered that erections are not so great when you still have half your ribs broken and a hole in your lung.

He gets back to his routine quickly once he is out of danger, and he re-embeds himself into the ANBU.

It seems easy to start going on missions and Kakashi concentrates on this. He cannot hope to have anything good at any rate, he thinks. He is ANBU, a friend-killer, the boy who let every person he loved die, and he doesn’t want to have to see the same end for Gai, who would probably be the worst example he could make out of anyone.

Kakashi takes all kinds of missions after that. Risky, solitary, in pairs. He ignores Minato’s words when he creeps into the office asking for more, even when he still has his own blood dripping from his hair to the ground below his unkempt nails.

“Do you want to take a few days off?” Minato says for what could be the fifth time that month, but Kakashi shakes his head and says that he is fine, which is a lie but for some reason Minato spoils him too much and lets him lie.

It ends in a lookout far away from Fire Country lasting five months. Kakashi is aware that he is getting grumpier with every day, even more serious and jaded than he usually is.

His teammates try to talk to him in the first weeks, but with their masks and uniforms in place it is really impossible to define any kind of actual bond, which only results in Kakashi groaning at them and leaving them to their talk as if he was at the point of losing patience and killing them.

There is one bad thing about his bad mood, and it is that this time, it comes along with feelings of emptiness and loneliness. It’s weird. It has been too long since somebody ran at his back, too many days without a challenge, without laughter and hugs and speeches, and Kakashi realizes how terribly much he misses Gai at the end of the fifth month, an admission that leaves him almost trembling with the feeling that he belongs by Gai’s side. At the same time, he feels incomplete.

Gai becomes the only thing Kakashi can think about during his mission. He is under his skin, and Kakashi imagines passing by his place, surprising him with silliness while Kakashi shows him all the good places that are his favorites because he knows very well that someone as enthusiastic as Gai will love them.

Kakashi’s subordinates return before him, which leaves Kakashi even more alone and half-crazy, with the ghosts that still follow him and the guilt that does not allow him to enjoy anything anymore because he probably doesn’t deserve it.

He sticks around for another week before the letter from Konoha arrives from Konoha and Kakashi gets ready for his leave, returning to the village with clumsy steps. Taller and stronger, but probably more emotionally affected than he had even been.

Minato greets him with a pleasant and familiar smile, something that disguises his worries and pain, the fear that he lets Kakashi see when he slaps his fingers on the desk and shuffles his papers in his hands as if there are more than just two pieces of wrinkled paper that Kakashi had crumpled into a ball on the way to the village.

“Kakashi, do you want to take a break?”

Kakashi’s legs are trembling beneath his body, but still, he shakes his head, ignoring the pain because, clearly, Kakashi is punishing himself.

Minato’s blue eyes look away from him for a long moment that makes Kakashi tense his hands. He knew that expression well enough to fear it. Insistences on going to the hospital, Minato’s lectures saying “You have to go out with your friends, you must give yourself the time and opportunity to live” which only make Kakashi want to do the opposite, probably due to a childish impulse of annoyance whenever anyone tried to tell him what he had to do with his life.

Minato lets out a soft breath and for once he doesn’t repeat himself, giving a strange and suspicious smile instead. “Then, do you want another mission?”

A part of Kakashi thinks this is a trap, and if it had been anyone else he would have expected it to be a treacherous ambush. Others would have done it, but for some reason Kakashi doubts that Minato will, and he accepts, receiving instructions for a guard assignment and rushing to gather his belongings and reorganize them at the meeting point.

And though Kakashi had been hoping for something stupid anyway, he is actually surprised when the shinobi on duty that he found waiting for him by the village door is precisely the only person he hadn’t wanted to see.

Gai smiles when he approaches, probably more surprised than Kakashi himself, although so completely excited that Kakashi doesn’t have time to avoid the hug, because maybe a part of him wants it.

The mission is easy, something for which they hadn’t needed ninjas of their caliber, but anyway it results in being entertained watching Gai waste all his energy in kicking at the enemy with his suicidal Hidden Gate jutsu.

Very soon, Kakashi knows, Gai will chose to die too, and then Kakashi will only have one more place to bring flowers, because where else would he go besides the cemetery? It was the meeting place for everyone he knew.

“We should camp here,” Gai says while crossing the road back home, rubbing his arms while lowering his backpack. He rushes to unroll his blanket on top of a pretty comfortable patch of grass wide enough for the both of them.

Kakashi sighs, faking calm and thinking about what a traitor Minato was being, sending him out on a mission with Gai of all people. Well, if Kakashi wasn’t doing fewer missions to be with Gai, then Minato would actually have to put Gai on Kakashi’s missions. It had been a quite a dirty trick on his part.

It doesn’t take much time for Gai to finish unrolling the length of fabric, lying on his side with a wide and gentle smile that he offers to Kakashi beneath the faint light of the night.

Something inside of Kakashi doesn’t let him get any closer and for a moment he feels the impulse to groan and hide as if with a groan, he could quiet all his impulses and feelings, the feeling that he might want to admit to how much Gai means to him.

Instead of the pretty things that pass through his mind, Kakashi kneels at Gai’s side and gives him a soft look over his shoulder. “Missions are so noisy with you.”

Gai laughs so freely that his voice echoes in a loud cackle that makes Kakashi’s back bristle, probably because the only thing he has wanted to do all these months has been to hear Gai’s voice.

“That’s so typical of my Rival!” Gai says frankly, hanging his hands on the nape of his neck. “I missed that about you.”

The way that Gai says it makes Kakashi’s hands tremble, impressed with Gai’s capacity to admit his emotions as easily as breathing.

“Really I missed all those challenges by your side. The village is so boring without you!” He has such a dreamy, silly smile that Kakashi realizes what he wants instantly: to crawl forward and taste that smile with his own lips, trying everything he can to find a reason for his thoughts.

Suddenly, there is cloud in his chest that feels like tears and emotion and screams, something that only increases when Kakashi lies down at Gai’s side, so close that he can feel his warmth.

He has stayed away from the village to forget this, but time and absence have only made his feelings stronger, feeding his impulses and his fantasies so they were now an enormous sea without and end.

He isn’t sure how to feel about that. Kakashi could only go back to ignoring all his desires, burying them, which would only give him a million more horrible months full of fatigue and tired from all the psychological stress, avoiding Minato and the few people who worry about him.

Unfortunately, he isn’t listening to the part of him that insists on stepping aside, because he is lost in a row of white teeth, with cheeks every day more prominent, with how much Gai has grown, even when Kakashi has also grown and they are almost the same size.

“We should have a challenge, Rival.” Gai looks at him. He is so fucking attractive with the shadows framing his face, which should be considered almost a crime by the way that it makes Kakashi’s heart speed up and his whole world collapses inside him.

He is vaguely conscious of how close Gai is, but what’s even worse, he realizes how much he wants to be close to him in the first place, completely attracted by his proximity, simply enjoying his natural charm, his incredibly contagious and easy happiness.

It’s complicated. Above all, Kakashi is probably the one who wants it the most, in a way that should be unnatural.

It is not that it has made him stop thinking about the dead, or fear, or that he is less bothered that Gai himself is the person he needs, but Kakashi can only listen to his own desire as if it were another reason.

“We should have a challenge right now,” Kakashi says, softly.

The line is enough that Gai almost jumps off the ground in a way that looks adorable. He has this look in his eyes, so shocked that he appears to be about to collapse in a happy shout, completely crazy to show Kakashi that he is a strong and worthy opponent, without understanding how much Kakashi already considers him to be strong, and probably much, much worthier than he is.

Kakashi prepares himself for a hug, but Gai appears caught in his line and gently turns to lie back, probably only in order to be able to yell at him from much closer.

“It’s your turn to choose the challenge, Rival!” Kakashi melts with his line, now feeling controlled by whatever is now in charge of the hot skin inside his underwear.

He wants Gai, he wants him so much. And there is nothing he can do about that except give in, he supposes.

“Let’s see who’s bigger.” Probably that’s not the right way to say it, because Gai scrunches his face into a pout.

“We already did that! I won, I’m still taller than you!”

Contrary to Gai’s smile, Kakashi tightens his expression, thinking about how he should frame things with the little bit of intelligence that he has left.

“Not that.” Kakashi looks at Gai through his eyelashes. “I was talking... about our penises.”

Gai pulls back. His eyebrows curve in a question, and it seems so deep that Kakashi bites his tongue, thinking about telling him that he was joking, or taking it back, which he cannot do because having said it aloud increased the fire in his chest and the stiffness of his dick.

“When we did it, it was a long time ago, and it wasn’t at its biggest, right?”

That’s all Gai needs, and he quickly leaps to his own competitiveness, his gestures bubbly and making Kakashi’s whole body fill with electricity that squeezes and loosens his muscles like an uncontrollable short circuit.

“That’s true! Furthermore, I have grown lately. It would be fair to measure it again.”

Gai turned on his side, lying on his back in place while immediately reaching to lower his jumpsuit, moving it awkwardly over his skin with so much calmness for someone who is about to get naked with their best friend in order to measure the size of their hard dicks, as if this is something routine and not completely crazy and full of immaturity and impulse.

Kakashi moves his own hands to undo his clothing without hiding his half-erection, which only needs a little bit of contact to become completely big and hard.

Grabbing his own cock far too calmly, Gai gives it a few strokes, letting Kakashi see a cock bigger than anything he has ever seen, but still a little smaller than his own, though not by much.

Before Gai can say something about their sizes or why Kakashi had insisted on such a strange challenge, Kakashi reaches out his hand, surrounding Gai’s penis with his fingers.

“We should measure them properly,” he murmurs, pushing down Gai’s foreskin which is dripping between his fingertips. It makes Gai tense, as if he has no idea what to do, which probably was the same feeling Kakashi was experiencing.

With a gesture, Kakashi signals Gai to sit down, doing the same and then approaching on his knees until he is beside Gai, with their pelvises so close that their cocks are touching each other, one cradled by the length of the other, lightly flushed from the heat of their blood.

“You win,” Gai says in a rough voice. Unlike Kakashi, he is quite self-conscious about the situation. “And now?”

A million things occur to Kakashi, how to challenge Gai to touch him, or take him, or do other things that he didn’t understand well because he was scared and not because the two of the were only a pair of horny teenagers who were just experimenting.

“I suppose the only thing we can do is do it and go to sleep.”

Gai nods at his words, with a face so bright and red that he looks drunk, with his abnormally-timid eyes looking at his own erection while he slowly begins to touch himself.

Kakashi’s hand is also moving on his erection, although the whole time he keeps his gaze between Gai’s legs, knowing that Gai knows that he is looking, that he is sighing and imitating his rhythm, though at no time does he dare to touch, which makes Kakashi feel like he has never felt before.

It would probably be much more gratifying to do it to each other, and maybe they would also learn many new things, but they are close, which is really too bad.

Kakashi tries to hold back as much as he can, but he has spent so much time repressing everything that he has imagined and the sensations seem too strong and he gets carried away by the shiver that takes over his belly.

He intentionally aims for Gai’s thigh, smearing a few drops of cum on the bronzed skin that instantly shines with the wet discharge.

“I’m sorry,” he says, as a pretext, stretching out his fingers to clean Gai off and touch his thigh.

Gai swallows at this gesture, quite loudly, ending by coming himself, leaving a little puddle on the ground.

Kakashi spends a lot of time thinking about this moment, watching Gai and himself in this act for hours, without even being able to sleep knowing what they managed to do, wondering if maybe they could do a physical challenge the next day just so he can have more opportunities to touch Gai and satiate his longing for his body.

Sighing, he rushes to Konoha the next day in a challenge of speed, which is not what Kakashi had wanted but he seems satisfied anyway, letting Gai win only so he can look at his legs from behind.

“Really, you look better,” Kakashi’s teammate says from behind the mask a couple of days later, giving him a soft slap that is strong enough to make him realize that he is smiling.

As much as he tries, he can’t avoid a smile, and he shrugs his shoulders even if he knows that his two subordinates are sharing a complicit look, which could mean anything. It would have made Kakashi irritated that just a week earlier, but this time he seems pretty calm about it.

“We need to keep going,” he indicates, jumping between the branches while listing to the soft celebration of his teammates regarding his recent good moon.

The happiness doesn’t last long, of course, and by the following month Kakashi is really depressed, dragging himself through more guilt when he arrives without his subordinates and without their bodies, because the ANBU are proof in themselves that they are not permitted to become a corpse by someone else’s intent.

“I’m sorry,” Minato says, with the mission registry in his hand, still stained with blood.

Kakashi doesn’t change his expression at all, even when there is a strange, vague pain inside him. He was expecting to lose them anyway, even avoiding learning their names according to the mission orders not to get familiar with each other. Which hadn’t worked, to be honest. Kakashi had broken every attempt not to worry any more, protecting things he could not protect and promising things he could neither accomplish nor understand himself.

“You need to take some time to rest, Kakashi.”

“No,” he responds quickly, feeling the rest of the blood drip between his fingers as if he could erase all his problems like this. He has wondered who is next on the list, if it will be Minato or if it will be Gai. And then, what will happen when Kakashi dies with no more names left on the list? Probably his shit will go to his dogs, or his acquaintances, or some defenseless civilian who could pick it up with a shovel.

“Kakashi, you are pushing yourself too hard. The idea was to have you in ANBU so that you could be close to me, not for...”

Self-destruction. Minato doesn’t say so, but Kakashi knows because he has heard the line from others. That was what his subordinate said a week ago. The doctors also told him. Kakashi didn’t listen to any of them before, not because they were wrong, but because it really didn’t matter to him.

Hearing it from Minato is a little different. It hurts in a place beneath Kakashi’s skin and almost tempts him to fall to his knees and cry. Which he doesn’t do because it is below him and he isn’t a kid. He’s a man. Men don’t cry. Or else he supposes they don’t. That was that the rest of them said all the time and Kakashi fights back tears, blinking laboriously underneath his ANBU mask.

“I don’t need a break.” He wants to sound sure of himself, failing due to the high pitch but knowing Minato won’t press him. He has always let Kakashi do what he wants, only Kakashi isn’t sure if this is an advantage or a mistake.

“Good, I’ll assign you a mission, as long as you don’t come crying back to me.”

Kakashi knows what this means and he feels a little annoyed, figuring that Minato will force him to take a few days of rest that will last for a few weeks before he actually has to be called to do those missions so violent that no one else wants to take them.

Inexplicably, Kakashi goes to the training grounds instead of his house, easily finding Gai in the forest, who is turning around in circles like a madman while shouting each number and maintaining a smile despite being completely alone.

A part of Kakashi wants to go down and talk to him, console himself with Gai’s face and voice because he feels broken, his hands on Kakashi’s back in a hug or something much more than just a caress.

The need for contact feels inhuman inside him. A ball of guilt for wanting sex so desperately in a moment like this, which seemed stupid because he was not sure that a little warmth and passion would help to heal his new and old wounds anyway.

Kakashi remains quiet in the shadows, looking sadly at Gai’s back while all kinds of things try to make sense out of this sort of scenario.

His hands tremble with longing on the branches, but he feels ridiculous in an instant and won’t let himself go down. He is Kakashi of the Sharingan, the Copy Ninja, not someone who could allow themselves sexual weakness and sentimentalisms because he was no more than an assassin who let his friends die, socially insufficient and too irresponsible with himself and everyone else to have that right.

And probably Kakashi can ignore it for long enough to be with Gai, but in any case that kind of thing was out of his reach to consider anything more than consoling himself with his pornography and homoerotic magazines, of which he had several under his pillow.

That was enough for him, even if he was not capable of interfering in Gai’s training. Kakashi stayed quiet, watching Gai spin while lying that the stinging in his eyes was only the fault of a dream and not because he is trying not to cry.

When Gai spins for the hundredth time, shouting each number aloud, Kakashi disappears in a cloud of smoke.

A moment arrives in which Minato can no longer stand to see the sadness on his face, and, using his power as Hokage, decides to manipulate Kakashi’s situation in a desperate attempt for him to find happiness.

Kakashi thinks that this is a little late, but it doesn’t bother him to accept the useless tasks that Minato gives him like a regular ninja and not the cold-blooded ANBU who has killed innumerable people without thinking twice.

He is hidden behind his mask when Minato sends him on day missions around Konoha, where he finds a feeling of security between the shadows, so much so that he scares off the regular clients of the guard.

There is a legend that follows him anyway. He cannot avoid it even if he tries. What he tried doesn’t work, and Kakashi’s expression seems even colder than the features of his ANBU mask when Minato calls for him again.

His petition for a real mission doesn’t matter much to Minato, and instead Kakashi finds himself involved in another mission that seems more like a trap to keep him in the village than actual guard duty.

Anyway, Kakashi obeys because that is his job, and probably because he preferred it to stupid missions chasing the mediocre bandits who robbed the rice from the fields.

That same day, Kakashi moves toward the center of the village, climbing high up the balcony of Minato’s house where Kushina is inside, happy and terribly full of laughter, caressing the bulge on her belly which is growing with a lazy slowness.

Caring for Kushina during the pregnancy is an important mission but it seems like a waste of time. He doesn’t know why Minato has made him do it, but unfortunately, Kakashi can’t do anything other than remain on their balcony, occasionally peeking into the windows while watching and listening to Kushina talk with her unborn baby with her pitifully romantic and sentimental teachings.

Being Kushina’s guard for her pregnancy does not mean that Kakashi stops looking for Gai. Which he does regularly during the long breaks that Minato gives him every day, time Kakashi uses to cross the trees and follow him, sometimes in silence, other times pretending that he is on a walk before Gai lands happily at his side.

Even so, Gai doesn’t mention or insinuate anything regarding their challenges. They play rock, paper, scissors, they eat in restaurants, and Gai only maintains a smile and talks about many things, carefully avoiding saying a single double entendre.

The hugs have gotten less frequent now, too, and their intensity is different, probably more mature, and Kakashi isn’t quite sure he understands what he’s lost or what he doesn’t have because he has only ever desired in secret, absolutely unable to suggest something more to Gai and completely convinced that he doesn’t deserve pleasure because of his mistakes, especially when he was responsible for so many graves.

So he leaves Gai every evening, barely flexing his fingers in a quick and lazy goodbye before climbing up Kushina’s balcony again, listening to her laughter while she hugs and kisses Minato, telling him about her day, untiringly celebrating her happiness.

It makes Kakashi wonder what would happen if he could have that, thinking about himself, enjoying his life and his family. Liberally enjoying his feelings, physical contact, love.

Later, when Minato dies, Kakashi spends most of a year hidden in his room, at least when he is not stained with blood from completing Danzo’s orders.

They are long months of seclusion in darkness and silence, and at any moment, Kakashi could swear that two months in a row had passed without him saying a single word. Not that he was keeping track, but he feels a thickness in his mouth, so full of trash that he doesn’t know when was the last time he spoke.

Looking at the sword in his bedroom becomes a habit each time he is in the village. He wonders if Sakumo had done the same, if he thought too much too, which in any case seems likely.

Kakashi has to contain himself for a while, only considering the possibility when he wonders vaguely how deeply he should cleave a weapon into his chest in order not to have time to regret anything.

The hours in his bedroom pass in this way, with brief dreams that don’t leave him rested between strange whines and nightmares about Obito, Minato, and Rin, which he probably considers to be a call to him from the place beyond the shadows.

Then, when clutching the edge of the tonto to his chest, the image of Gai appears like a strange vision, with his soft smile and his crying eyes, running his hands through his silky black hair and finally he lets himself look at his eyebrows.

It’s a traitorous blow to his mind, but it serves to make Kakashi leave the sword alone on more than once occasion, accosted by Gai in his moments of pain just as he is accosted by him in the street, who comes to Kakashi with elaborate and unfortunate attempts to help him forget his pain, which really doesn’t work.

Of course, even such a deep sadness cannot last forever. Kakashi gives up a year after Minato’s death, dragging himself between the shadows as he rapidly searches for Gai’s window, knocking on his window with a trembling hand while feeling a painful need for contact, desperate to feel real, to feel alive and full of energy for a little while.

Gai opens it immediately, with a friendly smile and a gesture of surprise when he sees Kakashi on the windowsill, still dressed in his ANBU armor.

His lips twist, probably about to shout an excited greeting that Kakashi cuts short by jumping towards him, sending the two of them to the floor in an embrace that is full of all the things that he feels all the things he has denied himself, turning into something so slack that he is barely half-aware of being dragged to the edge of the bed.

“Kakashi, did something happen?” Gai says, worried.

The line causes Kakashi to shudder in a twisted way, too overwhelmed to contain every impulse he’s wanted for so long that at this point, it doesn’t matter anymore, because he is here surrendering to what he has always wanted.

“Don’t say anything.” Kakashi’s hands press against Gai’s shoulders, pushing him against the bed while he climbs astride his legs on all fours.

Gai doesn’t resist, blinking in the darkness while searching for understanding, a bit surprised when Kakashi begins to rock over his body, scratching through his clothing while Kakashi clumsily undoes the bandages protecting his hands.

It seems like he wants to talk, but he doesn’t simply because Kakashi begged him not to, and he is faithful and hit commitment so radical that it makes Kakashi’s heart ache, pounding against his ribs with love and arousal.

His hands sink into Gai’s chest, over the thin shirt that reveals the shape of his arms and chest, allowing him quick access when he decides to slide his fingers against the skin.

Pressing against Gai’s body, Kakashi can feel both of their reactions. So spontaneous and responsive like the bodies of two young men should be.

Gai leans against the sheets when Kakashi takes of his outer armor, leaving him in the black shirt with the mask that Gai has seen a couple of times.

His body reacts suddenly, all on its own, and before Kakashi can give his mind enough time to think about or regret what he is doing, he pulls his mask under his chin and leans over Gai, pressing their lips together in a kiss.

It’s all he can do. And he can’t believe that he has done it.

His heart is a hammer in his chest and his hands hang at his sides without a reaction, probably due to panic, or perhaps simply because he does not know what to do.

Fortunately, Guy does, and he moves his lips in a slow and clumsy kiss, with erratic movements over Kakashi’s unmoving mouth that yields inexpertly to the pressure.

“I... I need you to help me with this,” Kakashi purrs over Gai’s lips, rapidly taking Gai’s hand in his to direct it between his legs, where he presses it over his erection.

Kakashi gasps and lies down against his chest, rubbing Gai’s hand until Gai starts to do it himself, moving with him and pushing his underwear down.

He stays in this position as long as the act lasts. With Kakashi kneeling over Gai, face hidden in the space of his neck while releasing soft sounds with every little stroke.

Gai caresses him tenderly the whole time, with fear and delicacy, his own erection hidden in his pants, which Kakashi is too afraid to touch.

Kakashi comes not much later, spilling over Gai’s shirt and carelessly dirtying his clothing with a convulsion so intense that it makes him fold in half a bit.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, running his fingers through his own semen, stopping when he reaches Gai’s chest and his arms, which Kakashi quickly grabs in the way he was wanted to do for so many years.

The same strong weight surrounds him in an instant, so intimate that Kakashi loses himself in it, breathing in the Gai’s scent deeply while his lips kiss his face, sprinkling kisses across his cheeks, on his forehead, on his scar and then again clumsily on his lips.

“It’s good.” Gai presses harder, and all Kakashi’s passion returns in a strange lukewarm way that is as wobbly as Jell-O inside his chest, full of needs that have nothing to do with sex. “Everything is fine. You can come whenever you need it.”

Kakashi thinks about this for a few moments, imagining all the times that he would come have if Gai was speaking earnestly, thinking about asking aloud if he was sure before realizing that he cannot speak.

“As young men, we have this desire, no? It means that we are grown and healthy!” Gai’s laughter sounded in his ear. “But it also means that we are human. And humans are also capable of feeling.”

Kakashi can hear the voice of everyone else bubbling up from within. Men don’t cry. Shinobi have to obey the rules. ANBU soldiers cannot have feelings.

He didn’t know then that they were all the biggest lies ever told.

Kakashi hangs his head when he cries, doing it as openly as he can for someone who has been living with too much pain he has repressed for too long a time.

The hugs and kisses continue the whole time, feeling consoling, completely gentle, in a way that, for the first time, works to calm the pain inside him.

“You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to,” Gai says once Kakashi gets up, gathering his things before dressing and leaving through the window in one jump. “At least promise that if you feel this way again, you’ll come back.”

There is no response on Kakashi’s end, who simply jumps into the shadows effortlessly.

Gai fears the idea that Kakashi will not ever come back, that he will go away for too long just like he has done before, every time that he feels uncomfortable enough with something around him.

Then, a week later, when his window sounds with a familiar knock, Gai discovers Kakashi in his window, with a bag full of books and nude magazines, Gai is truly happy to see him.

“Kakashi, you came back!”
Gai wants to cry, but he decides to suppress the sob in order to give his rival a sincere smile.

“You said that I could.” Kakashi’s voice is soft, and there is a half-smile on his face when he lifts the bag in Gai’s direction. “And I have some things I want to try.”

Gai laughs out loud, completely moved that, at least from time to time, Kakashi will allow himself to be young and alive.