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As the plane touches down in the OBX, bringing them home from South America, JJ doesn’t know what exactly to expect. Because sure, he and Kie had said they loved each other – and he doesn’t doubt that. Not one bit.
He’s known that he loved her for a long time now, and it took him a while to accept that she loved him, to actually believe that this amazingly beautiful, funny, smart, brave, loyal girl actually loved him, but he knows that she does. He can feel it in the way she looks at him, how she knows him better than he knows himself. The gentle brush of her fingers against his, a challenging smirk sent his way.
But coming back to Kildare feels… off. Because they love each other, but they’ve been in a race for their lives ever since they said the actual words and so there hasn’t been a moment just to… be. Except for the hours they spent in the back of the plane, but there hadn’t been much talking happening then, both of them lost in the haze of newfound romance.
So while he doesn't doubt that they love each other, he does worry, because being back home brings up a whole other host of issues. And the last time they came back, those differences in their lives pushed them apart. The awareness of how different they were, their families, their lives, everything.
He doesn’t want to let that happen again, but a part of him deep down knows that he can't control it. There’s so many deep seated issues and ideas and thoughts buried in his psyche that a simple I love you – no matter how very not simple it felt at the time – isn’t going to magically solve all those other things.
But when he glances over at Kie as they step off the plane together, feels her fingers laced tightly with his, her comforting smile as though she knows exactly where his mind has gone, well.
Like she said.
Whatever happens, they’re gonna handle it together.
Like they always do.
“Well,” John B says sadly. They’re all exhausted, filthy and bedraggled, and he looks around at each of them solemnly. “Home sweet home.”
John B’s always been the sunshine to JJ’s stormcloud, but he hasn’t smiled since they buried his father – for good this time – and JJ’s not sure what he’s supposed to do. There’s a heaviness to his best friend that JJ’s never seen before. JJ saw Big John as a father figure – more so than his own father anyways – but Big John had dragged them into this race for yet another treasure, so hellbent on getting the gold at the end of the rainbow that he couldn’t see what he was doing to his son.
And now he’s gone forever, leaving John B alone for good.
JJ’s an expert on being alone, and he knows that John B’s not meant to be alone.
But then Sarah’s there beside him, her arm wound through his, her head resting on his shoulder, and that heaviness seems to shrink. Pope and Cleo crowd in on their other side, and then it’s the six of them together, the Pogues, their little family.
They’ve been through hell and back, but somehow they’ve all come out the other side – together.
It’s a fuckin’ miracle, but JJ’s never been more thankful for anything in his life.
Still, being back on Kildare soil sets something inside of him on edge. Reminds him that here, they aren’t all equal. He’s got no parents to welcome him home, just like last time, although he’s not the only one in that depressing as hell club now.
Kie’s fingers tighten around his hand as they make their way away from the plane and when he glances down at her she’s chewing her lip, the way she always does when she’s nervous.
“Hey,” he says quietly and she blinks, glancing over at him. “You all right?”
She nods, but the furrow between her brows remains. “Yeah. Fine.” Her lips curve up but it’s not a real smile, and a ball of anxiety starts building in his gut.
If she’s not going to talk to him, this isn’t a good sign. But he reminds himself that he knows Kie, knows her maybe better than anyone, and he knows that she’ll talk to him when she’s ready. She’s never been the type of person to hold her feelings inside. Plus, he has a pretty good idea about what’s bothering her anyways.
Her parents.
They haven’t had a chance to talk about it. Not really, beyond the barest of details that she could manage to get out while they killed time on the plane, but what he does know is that he will never forgive them for sending her away.
He knows that she’s gotta have some complicated ass feelings about the whole thing too and that being home in Kildare is definitely going to stir them up. He’s got her back no matter what though. He meant what he said to Mike Carrera as he climbed into the Twinkie, disbelief and fury warring inside of him when he learned that they actually sent her away.
“You won’t,” he’d assured them – positive that there was no way Kie would want them in her life after what they’d done to her. How they’d betrayed her trust, her love, by sending her to that wackadoodle camp.
But Kie’s feelings about her parents are complicated. They’ve always been complicated because they see her as something completely different from what she actually is. It’s like they have this idea of who their daughter should be in their minds and they can’t reconcile the daughter they actually have – who’s a pretty fucking amazing person if JJ says so himself.
She’s never fully opened up about their issues to him, or any of the boys. He might pretend to be oblivious, but he knows that she feels guilty that she has so much when they have so little. That she thinks her problems aren’t worth talking about with them, that they don’t want to hear about what she’s dealing with when in her mind, they have things worse. But sometimes, he thinks that Kie’s really got the short stick.
Because sure, she has money, but she also has these fucking unrealistic expectations constantly thrust upon her that she’s always struggling to live up to. And yeah, she’s got parents who were waiting tearfully at home for her when they got back from Poguelandia, but they’re the same people who refused to listen to their story and didn’t believe her when she explained why they’d been up to so much shit. The same ones who grew so tired of trying that they sent her away so someone else could fix her.
At least no one’s trying to fix JJ.
When they exit the airport runway, word’s somehow gotten out about what happened in South America and there’s a crowd waiting for them. His eyes scan the people assembled there, catching a glimpse of Pope’s parents, and he knows even before he even sees them who else he’s going to find. Can tell by the tension building in the air, the way Kie falters, ever so slightly.
And sure enough, there they are. Standing amongst the crowd like they deserve to be there after what they did. Unbridled rage billows as he stares at them, briefly meeting Mike’s eyes across the tarmac. Everything sharpens to a fine point, and he takes a half step towards them, intent on doing something, anything, to make sure they know exactly where they went wrong.
But Kie freezes, her fingers tightening against his so hard that his hand goes numb, and he’s pulled to a stop. His heart pounds as he stares at them, their worried, tearstained faces, the way they’re looking expectantly at Kie, like they think she’s going to run towards them or something.
“JJ…” she whispers. It’s broken, and he can hear the panic laced in her words, the way she’s rooted to the spot.
Their attention turns to him and he can feel their discerning stares, the remnants of the argument in the driveway looming between them. JJ doesn’t feel sorry about it, not one bit, and there’s no chance in hell he’s ever going to see them the same way again.
Before, he’d tried to stay in their good graces for Kie’s sake, because he knew it was easier on her when she wasn’t fighting her parents at every turn. But now? Now he doesn’t give a fuck what they think of him because they gave up on his favourite person in the world. They can’t see that she doesn’t need therapy or medication or any of that shit, because she’s perfect just the way she is.
The Heywards rush forward and envelop Pope and Cleo in their arms, warm hugs and grateful laughter echoing in the air. He catches a glimpse of John B and Sarah disappearing out of sight, avoiding the reporters, and truthfully, he’d like to do the same, but he doesn’t know what Kie needs right now, and there’s no way he’s going anywhere without her.
“What do you wanna do, Kie?” he whispers, turning away from her parents to focus all of his attention on her.
Her gaze is directed towards them, her skin pale and her chest heaving. He can see the turmoil of coming face to face with them so suddenly in the way she clutches his hand so tightly, in the way her eyes grow shiny with unshed tears.
Furious tears.
Her lips press into a firm line before she shakes her head minutely and blinks, turning her focus back to him.
“Let’s get out of here,” she says decisively.
“Kiara!” Anna cries out as they turn away. “Kiara, stop!”
It’s a broken yell, a desperate tear filled plea, and Kie hesitates, breath shuddering out of her chest.
“We can go back,” he offers, even though he doesn’t want her anywhere near them. But if that’s what she needs, if she needs to hash things out right now or whatever, he can do that for her.
But she shakes her head, her eyes meeting his, a familiar fire burning there the longer she holds his gaze. “No. I don’t need them. I’ve got everything I need right here.”
There’s pain and loss in her eyes, but she paints on a confident look, and he nods, the corner of his lip curling up.
“Okay then.”
He doesn’t press her on it, just holds her hand, because he knows how tough parental shit can be, and there’s nothing worse than someone trying to force you to rehash it when you really want to forget it even happened. Kie’s not the forgetting type, but she is the type who will talk about it when she’s ready. She doesn’t bottle her emotions inside like a powder keg primed to explode at the slightest notice.
That’s all him.
They catch up to John B and Sarah easily enough and the four of them make their way to the Chateau by habit. Muscle memory takes them down the familiar streets of Kildare, all the places they used to roam as children, causing trouble and having a ball.
Back when things were easy.
Easier, anyways.
When they arrive at what remains of the Chateau, JJ’s rudely brought back to reality when all that meets them is the smouldering remains of the one true home he ever knew. The first place he really remembers feeling valued and wanted.
“I can’t believe it’s gone,” Sarah breathes. “I almost forgot.”
“Yeah,” Kie echoes softly, her eyes wet with tears, her fingers tight around his. “Me too.”
Life has been so nuts that JJ had been able to push the loss of the Chateau to the back of his mind. He’s good at that, compartmentalizing so he can deal with whatever’s in front of him without clouding his mind with the other shit that’s going on. People always think that he’s dumb or forgetful or doesn’t care, but the reality is that his mind is always racing, always full to the fucking brim with all the things he probably cares way too much about.
He wishes he could forget half the shit that’s stuck up there.
But now that they’re here, it’s rising to the surface, all the messy tangled emotions he feels facing what’s left of his first true home.
Kie and Sarah drift closer to the rubble, whispering quietly together, but John B’s frozen beside him. He can feel the waves of emotion pouring off his friend, and he desperately searches for a joke, a sarcastic comment that’s going to lighten the mood, but comes up empty.
Nothing feels right about this.
They’re basically homeless now, all four of them. No parents, no place to go.
Jesus.
What the fuck has happened to them?
They stand side by side and watch the girls talk quietly as they look around. There’s nothing much to look at, the faint scent of smoke somehow still lingering in the air, and JJ stuffs his hands in his pockets so he doesn’t do something stupid, like charge straight to Topper Thornton’s fancy ass Kook mansion and make him sorry he ever stepped foot near the Chateau.
The Chateau has been their home base for so long that his world feels off kilter without it. He can’t imagine how John B feels. Sure JJ thought of it as his home, but for John B it was actually the only home he’s ever known.
The squeaky screen door, the threadbare couch that they all crashed on too many times to count. The family pictures and memorabilia dotting the walls that JJ liked to look at and imagine stories for when he was little. The room that eventually became his, a haven from his own home.
And the memories.
They had their first beers here, sitting on the back porch one warm summer afternoon. Choked them down, before cracking up laughing because they tasted like shit. They’d gotten high for the first time too, he and John B, with weed from his cousin Ricky. Had ended up lying on the living room floor head to foot, and when Big John had discovered that they’d eaten nearly everything in the kitchen he hadn’t gotten mad. He’d just chuckled and told them they’d better be replacing that shit.
Kiara had come back to the Pogues after disappearing during her Kook year, just showed up out of the blue one day in the kitchen with her arms full of take out bags from The Wreck and a hopeful smile on her face. They’d all frozen for a moment, caught off guard. He’d left it to John B to decide, because he was the one who needed her back the most with Big John going missing. When he’d cracked a grin and asked her what she’d brought, JJ had felt a blanket of relief settle over him, like everything was going to be fine now that she was back with them.
Years and years of memories they all built here, JJ and his little family. Sand tracked through the living room, burnt macaroni on the stovetop with only one working element. Loud laughter and dance parties and curling up on the couch for a movie marathon. Card games at the table and arguments on the porch, Pope’s insistence that they finish their homework before heading out on the Pogue, and Kie chewing them out when she found their stash of plastic water bottles.
One of the first times he’d ever slept over, John B had woken up earlier than him and fixed them breakfast. He’d carefully brought them both bowls of cereal filled to the brim and a package of Pop Tarts to split. JJ never had Pop Tarts at his house because they were too expensive and his dad thought they were shit. But Big John bought Pop Tarts and John B was willing to share them with JJ. A veritable feast with his best friend that they ate at the kitchen table with the wobbly leg, so it never sat quite flat.
It’s stupid, really. It’s just a place. A building. Four walls and a roof. They should be fucking grateful they didn’t all burn to death inside.
But he doesn’t feel grateful.
“Remember that night we took the Pogue out and fell asleep on the water?” JJ says out of the blue, the memory accosting him suddenly.
John B glances over, barely cracking a grin. “Fifth grade?”
JJ nods. “Yeah. When we woke up we thought we were gonna get in trouble for being gone so long, but then your dad just razzed us for not catching anything.”
At the mention of Big John, John B deflates slightly, and JJ curses himself. Why can’t he ever think of the right thing to say?
But nearly every memory has Big John wrapped up in it somehow, and JJ scrapes his brain to try and come up with something to cheer up his friend. He’s supposed to be the one who makes everyone laugh. If he can’t do that, what good is he?
But before he can come up with anything, the girls come back to join them, both of them somber.
“Hey,” Sarah says. “So I, um. I have something to tell you guys.” She looks slightly uncomfortable and JJ cringes inwardly.
Kie crosses her arms over her chest. “What?”
“When my dad was here, he tricked me into coming to this apartment to meet with him. And he gave me this bank card that he promised had money on it for me. And he, uh. He left me the apartment.”
JJ doesn’t even know what that means. What kind of person is just given an apartment? He thinks back to the eviction notice on his house – it’s probably been foreclosed, property of the bank or whatever the fuck happens when your only parent dips and doesn’t bother to pay the bills anymore.
But the idea of staying somewhere that Ward Cameron gave to Sarah creeps him out. He caused so much shit for all of them, ruined their lives, put them in danger over and over.
“Yeah, I’m not staying there,” he says with a little shrug.
“JJ,” Kie says, glancing at him.
He shakes his head, not able to explain exactly why he feels such a fucking chill at the idea of living in what’s surely Kook central. He’ll figure something else out. He always does.
But Kie’s looking at him sadly, understanding shining in her eyes. “Look, we don’t have anywhere to stay right now, right?”
She’s trying, but she doesn’t really get it. She’s always had a warm bed, someone waiting for her. Doesn’t know the feeling of waiting for handouts, of never having enough, the pride of proving that you can handle shit on your own, that you don’t need anyone’s pity or charity or help .
“I’m not staying there. It’s Ward’s hush money apartment.”
“That’s not what it is,” Sarah protests, but JJ ignores her.
Kie frowns at him, concern painted on her features, though there’s exhaustion there too. “We don’t really have a choice, JJ. Where else are we gonna go?”
Her pointed use of the word ‘we’ warms him, reminds him that above all else they’re a team. She has a point too, but he can’t let himself just give in that easily. Instead he insists on checking on his place, just to make sure it’s really been foreclosed and they can’t stay there. He doesn’t want to, not really, but some twisted sense of loyalty makes him trudge there anyways, Kie at his side like always.
Ever since the island he’s felt this need to be close to her, uneasy when she’s out of sight, and it’s only been amplified after Kitty Hawk. Like if he’s not with her, something bad is going to happen. She’s all he has, all he can count on right now. It’s just the two of them together against the world.
Soon enough they’re standing at the end of the driveway, but he can’t make himself go any further. Now that he’s here, there’s no way in hell he’s going to make Kie climb through a broken window or some shit just to go inside. It’s not like there’s anything he even needs from this place.
What is wrong with him?
He dragged her all the way here for nothing.
Just another in a long list of mistakes he’s sure to make with her, a small voice in the back of his head says.
“JJ, what are we doing here?” Kie asks gently, and she’d never complain but he can hear the exhaustion she’s trying to mask as she glances over at him.
He shrugs, toes at the ground with his boot. Why the hell can’t he just do things the right way?
“Hey,” she says, her voice soft. She turns to look at him fully, chewing at her bottom lip. “What’s going on with you?”
He doesn’t know how to explain it to her, this looming sense of dread that this is all gonna disappear soon. It’s not like he wants to feel this way. He finally has Kie, here with him in the way that he’s always dreamed of. The thought of losing her makes his heart pound, a reminder of all the times – too many times – when thought he might never see her again. He’s gonna do everything he possibly can to make it work between them, but a part of him worries that it’s inevitable – he’s going to ruin this. Just like everything else, they’re going to fall apart eventually.
The reminder of just how true that thought is stands starkly in front of them – the broken screens, faded paint, so tired and unloved and worn down. It’s never been his home, not really, but it still means something to him. This place where his worst nightmares came to life.
“Nothing,” he says quietly and he can see her shoulders fall slightly when he doesn’t say anything else.
“JJ…” He sighs and tries to avoid her eyes, but she steps in close, dipping until she meets his gaze. “I know that it feels like everything’s changing, but I’m not going anywhere, okay? We’re in this together.” Her hand lands on his chest, right near his heart, the warmth of her touch tethering him to her.
“The B team,” he tosses back.
She nods, a fond smile on her face. “Yeah.”
He glances over her shoulder once more at the run down house – so many memories he’d like to forget. The good times were few and far between and with Kie here by his side, he thinks he’s ready to leave this place behind.
“Yeah, let’s go,” he murmurs. “Nothing here for me anyways.”
He turns to leave but Kie’s hand on his arm stops him. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” he replies, avoiding her knowing gaze. She sees more than he wants her to sometimes. “C’mon.”
It’s a decently long walk to the address Sarah gave them, an apartment near the water that’s on the edge of Figure 8, kind of near Kie’s house. Her parents house anyways. When they get closer to the neighbourhood, he can feel the tension building within her.
John B sleepily lets them in the front door, unsurprised to see them. He slaps hands with them both in a Pogue handshake, gesturing for them to help themselves to whatever. There’s two bedrooms and there’s an unspoken agreement that he and Kie are sharing the second one.
“Bathroom’s down the hall. Your room’s the second door on the left.” He hikes a thumb over his shoulder. “Sarah’s asleep already. Passed out as soon as we got back.”
“We’ll be quiet,” Kie says softly.
Now that they’re inside, he can see the dark circles under her eyes, the smudges of dirt on her skin. The way she leans tiredly into his side, letting him hold her weight.
God, he’s really a jackass isn’t he? Dragging her across town like that, all for nothing. Just because he can’t seem to let go of his past.
“‘Kay. Night guys.” John B pads down the hallway and disappears into the other bedroom.
It’s a testament to how exhausted they all are that John B doesn’t even needle them about sharing a bedroom, like it’s just assumed that they’re sleeping together.
And shit, the idea of them sharing a bed isn't new. He’s slept beside Kie hundreds of times. But it feels different now, like it’s a thing that happens for a reason, by choice, because they’re together now, or whatever it is they are, and not just because they happened to both pass out in the same place.
Not that they’ve had any time to even have that conversation. The thought freaks him out, because while he’d summoned all his courage when she’d been shipped off to Kitty Hawk, letting the truth of his feelings for her slip out of his heart and into the open air, he’s still scared shitless.
He loves her, of course, but is he good for her? Is he enough for her?
Mike Carrera’s words still linger in his mind, and they’re nothing he hasn’t heard before, nothing he hasn’t told himself a hundred times over. But when Kie had said that she loved him, her voice nearly cracking over the words, something had shifted. Suddenly being with her was a real possibility – this thing that he’d been living with for so long, that he’d accepted would never happen. A fantasy that he tried not to think about because he couldn’t change how he felt and it fucking sucked sometimes knowing that she would always be out of his reach.
But then she was in his arms on the boat, her eyes dipping to his lips as the mood between them suddenly grew more serious. She was in his backyard, shouting at him that of course she cared about him, and she’d help him, and a part of him had reared back at that because he didn’t want her to help him. He wasn’t worth her help. Why would she even bother with a loser like him?
And then she smiled at him with something like wonder in her eyes as she climbed on the back of his motorcycle, Mike Carrera’s money clip burning a hole in his pocket. She stared at him as he stumbled out of the woods, his leg throbbing like a bitch from the miraculous slide he’d just somehow accomplished, fear and worry on her face as she told him not to ever do that to her again, her chest heaving and her voice shaky.
It felt like the foundation he’d built his life upon – that he loved Kiara but she would never love him back – had been completely shaken. Because she’d practically shouted it at him like he was supposed to know this fact, like it was so obvious that she didn't even need to make a big deal of it, could just slip it into the middle of a fight.
He’d frozen, spitting out some sort of stilted words that made her face fall, before he pushed past her confession because he couldn’t think about it right then. There was Big John and John B and South America and those things were tangible and real, and he could focus on that and not Kiara saying that she loved him, because that just couldn’t be true.
It’s not gonna work, he’d told her, and the pressure building in his chest, smothering his heart, only increased when she nodded jerkily, her eyes shiny. Her lip wobbled, and he wanted to kick himself, wanted to scream that he loved her too, of course he did; how could he not love her?
But he didn’t deserve her. Wouldn’t ever deserve her, had nothing to offer her.
So he’d spat out some stupid comment about seeing her at the break and strode away, boots heavy on the wooden dock planks, leaving her behind because that was better for everyone in the long run.
“JJ?”
Kie’s voice brings him out of his thoughts, reminds him that they made it past that somehow, that he managed to apologize, that she still loves him. She tilts her head as she takes him in, and he reaches out to grab her hand.
“Ready?” he asks, and she nods.
“I think I’m gonna sleep for a week,” she says, and he pulls her closer, his hands landing on her hips. “I need to shower first though. I feel disgusting.”
“Yeah, you smell pretty bad, too,” he teases, and she purses her lips in a smile as she raises an eyebrow.
She pokes him in the chest. “You don’t smell too hot yourself.”
“Wanna conserve some water?” He winks at her, forcing some lightness into his tone.
She rolls her eyes as a flush rises to her cheeks. “You wish.”
He does, actually, but he knows that’s not in the cards right now. Still kind of can't believe it might be a possibility in the future.
She leans in and presses a kiss to his cheek, before going into the bathroom and shutting the door with a soft snick, leaving him alone in the main area of the apartment. He can feel the imprint of her lips, the warmth that he’s always associated with her bleeding into him.
It’s full Kook, all shades of white and everything squeaky clean. He feels out of place immediately, worried about tracking dirt on the shiny floors, leaving stains on the carpet. He’s reminded of the bright white kitchen at Kiara’s house, standing toe to toe with Mike, listening to Kie leap to his defense. This place isn’t that different.
Same Kooky vibes.
He toes off his boots, leaving them by the front door, and then rustles through the cupboards and the fridge in search of something to eat. There’s not much in the fridge, just some cans of pop and an empty Brita, but clearly someone had stocked the cupboards because they’re full of packaged snacks. He snags a bag of chips and a few granola bars, devouring one before even realizing it.
The other one is half gone when he hears the bathroom door creak open and Kie’s soft voice calls his name.
He follows her voice and finds her wrapped in a towel that’s not nearly big enough, her hair dripping down her shoulders as she stands in the half open bathroom doorway. Steam billows out around her and he blames the trails of water making their way down her skin for the way he’s momentarily struck dumb.
“Uh…”
“Can you see if there’s anything for me to wear in the room?” she asks quietly, chewing at her bottom lip. “I can’t put these clothes back on.”
“Oh, uh, yeah. Sure thing.” He nods a bunch of times like an idiot, like he’s never seen her in a towel or something, like they haven’t spent half their lives in bathing suits and various states of undress, before escaping back to the bedroom.
He finds some spare clothes in the chest of drawers in their room, generic sweatpants and t-shirts, and he snags the smallest ones for Kie. Tries not to think of who stocked this place up for them. Although Ward probably had no clue Sarah was gonna bring three Pogues with her to his swanky apartment.
“Found something,” he says, holding the clothes out to her.
She takes them gratefully, disappearing back into the bathroom to get changed. He waits outside the door because what else does he have to do, and when she emerges a few moments later, she looks like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.
“Feel better?”
She nods. “Yeah, so much better.”
He slips into the bathroom after her, turning the water up as hot as it will go because the water at his house never gets past lukewarm. If he’s gonna live the Kook life for now, he may as well take full advantage. He scrubs at his hair, his body, grey water swirling down the drain. Tries not to think about Kie standing in this very spot only moments ago, water sluicing down her naked skin.
It’s not successful and he turns the shower to cold before stepping out and wrapping a towel around his waist.
“Shit,” he mutters, when he realizes that he hadn’t brought in any spare clothes for himself. He pads out of the bathroom and into their room, in search of something to wear.
Their room.
The thought sounds weird in his head.
Not bad weird though.
Kie’s lying curled on her side on the bed, facing away from the door, but she rolls over when she hears him come in.
“JJ did you–”
Her voice breaks off, her eyes wide and dark as she stares at him, her lips slightly parted.
He pauses, and feels her gaze on his chest, tracking the muscles and grooves there. She pushes herself up to a seated position, damp spots on her t-shirt from her wet hair.
“Did I what?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at her.
“Um. Uh, did you find any clothes your size?” she says softly, dragging her gaze back to his face. “Clearly you didn’t.”
“Didn’t check yet,” he responds, his heart pounding as he turns to the chest of drawers he’d found Kie’s clothes in. Sure enough, he finds something that will work and pulls them on under his towel.
He settles on the bed beside her once he’s dressed. “We match.”
“Uniform of the B Team,” she jokes back, her shoulder pressing against his as they both lean against the headboard.
Her head lands on his shoulder as she reaches for his hand. They sit in silence for a while, and he can hear her breathing growing deeper and slower, but he knows she’s not asleep yet. He can’t seem to sleep either. It’s quiet – too quiet almost. The bed isn’t familiar, the blankets softer than anything he’s ever slept on.
But Kie’s beside him, her fingers laced with his, and he thinks that’s what makes this feel like home right now.
“Um, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to go home,” Kie says out of the blue, her voice tentative, like she’s not sure what his response is gonna be.
“Of course you aren’t going home,” he responds, because he’s known that from the minute they stepped foot back in the OBX, since he stood in the Carrera’s driveway and called her parents Kooks.
The tension in her body relaxes slightly at his response. “I just– when we saw them earlier…I’ve never felt like that before,” she whispers, fingers tightening slightly. “It scared me how angry I felt seeing them standing there. They looked so sad, like they weren’t the ones who sent me away in the first place?”
She sniffles and he lets go of her hand to shift and wrap his arm around her shoulder. He’s not good with words, never has been, but physical stuff he can do. An arm around her shoulder, a gentle shove, a tap on the ankle – whatever she needs. Right now she leans right into his chest, her ear resting over his heart, and he can feel her shoulders shake, so he tightens it around her, holding her securely against him
He’s wondered how long she’s been holding this in, all her complicated, tangled up emotions about Kitty Hawk and her parents. There hasn’t been any time for her to really deal with any of it, and Kie has always been someone who deals with her emotions. She doesn’t hide them away like he does, letting them fester and rot, too afraid of what they could mean. Imagining that if he pushes them down far enough, they’ll just disappear.
Now, in this moment of quiet, this moment of peace and tranquility, everything is finally rising to the surface.
He stays silent, letting her know that he’s there for her, but waiting for her to continue.
“I just…” Her voice wobbles and breaks and JJ knows he already had words with the Carreras, but he’d really like to tell them off again, to explain to them exactly how they’d fucked up their last chance at a relationship with their daughter. “I can’t believe they actually sent me to that place. They just… sent me away?”
She swallows thickly, her fingers playing with the edge of his shirt. “I don’t think I can ever forgive them for what they did. They knew what happened on the island with Singh too, and they just… put me through that again.” She lets out a shaky breath but her voice is strong, certain, when she continues. “I trusted them. I thought things were going to be different this time, that our relationship was finally healing after so long. But they betrayed me. I told them I didn’t want to go and they didn’t listen. They’ve never listened to me.”
JJ’s been at the end of his rope many times, so frustrated and out of options that he doesn’t have a clue what he’s going to do. He’s seen the worst of the worst growing up on the Cut, growing up with Luke, and yet it still shocks him that they could do something so awful – willingly betray their child, their family, like that. Could put Kie through something so traumatic because they weren’t happy with the life she was leading.
Sure, JJ knows deep down that he’s probably no good for Kie either, but he’s never wanted anything but to make her happy. He’d have backed off in an instant if it would have saved her from the trauma of being sent to Kitty Hawk.
She continues in a quieter voice, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks. “They just… they’ve always thought they know what’s best for me and I don’t understand how they can be so fucking wrong.”
He clears his throat, searching for the right words, something that will make her feel better.
“Their fuckin’ loss,” he eventually mutters, pulling her more firmly against his side, even though he knows it’s not that easy. “You’re amazing just the way you are.”
Her lips curve and she shifts to look up at him, affection shining in her eyes. “I don’t need anything more than this, right here. You and me, together.”
Her words feel like a promise, like she’s knitting her future with his, and while the dread tries to creep in again, the surety that he’s going to ruin this eventually, he forces it back. Because there’s nothing more that he wants than he and Kie together too.
“Kie, I’ve got your back. Always. Whatever you decide to do.”
He might think that she doesn’t owe her parents shit and shouldn’t ever forgive them, but he’s not gonna stand in her way if that’s what she wants.
“I love you,” she murmurs into his chest, and it might be the third time she’s said it to him but he still feels the same amount of disbelief as the first time. Still amazed that this strong, passionate, caring person has decided that he’s worthy of her love.
But the longer he lies there beside her, the more he feels it. An itch under his skin, a reminder that he doesn’t get to keep things like this. Sure, she loves him now, in the heat of adventure and the exhaustion of coming home, but what about the normal everyday? When she realizes that his life is shit and he has nothing to offer her but himself?
It’s enough, he tries to tell himself, because he knows that’s what she’d tell him, with that fierce look he loves so much. She just told him – all she needs is them, together.
But he knows it’s not. He’s not.
He won’t ever be enough for her. Sure, things are shitty right now, but she has the whole world ahead of her. Nothing’s holding her back from doing amazing things.
She shifts beside him and he tightens his grip as her fingers rest over his heart. She’s growing heavier in his arms, slipping into sleep, and he’s so glad because he knows how exhausted she has to be. He should probably be exhausted too, but he can’t seem to wind down just yet. His mind won’t let him rest.
He doesn’t want to fuck things up, is going to do his best to do right by her, because she means more to him than anyone ever has before. But he doesn't have a goddamn clue what he’s doing. Has no idea what a real relationship is supposed to look like. His role models weren’t exactly stellar – one a violent asshole and the other dipped at the first opportunity.
He can count on one hand the number of good memories he has of his parents. Things at the Maybank house weren’t sunshine and rainbows.
But he knows what he feels for Kie. He’s covered it up with jokes, casual flirting, teasing her and arguing with her, but underneath it all, always having her back. That unending depth of love that he’s been denying for years, sure that she’d never see him as a real possibility. Who would?
But she does. She sees something in him that no one’s ever seen before. She sees him, the JJ underneath all the other shit, under the labels and the worn clothes and the bruises. Sees behind the wall he tried desperately to keep up because if he didn’t let anyone in, well, they couldn’t hurt him. They couldn’t leave.
Kie though. She’d worked her way into his heart like it was nothing, setting up a permanent spot for herself. Like she belonged there.
And he couldn’t bring himself to force her out, because he desperately wanted her to stay there with him.
“You’re thinking too loud.” It’s soft and slurred, but she taps at his chest, a rhythmic little code.
He huffs out a laugh, shifting until he’s lying flat with Kie draped halfway across his chest.
“Sorry.”
His body still feels tense, always on alert, afraid that someone’s going to come after them. Worried that some new threat is going to rip Kie out of his arms and he won’t be able to do anything about it. It’s stupid. They’re in a secure apartment that only Ward knew about and he’s dead, so it’s not like he can tell anyone. But still, JJ has a hard time settling in for sleep.
It’s been days, weeks even, since they’ve been able to truly relax. He closes his eyes, thinking of some meditation shit that Kie had insisted he try ages ago and still uses from time to time, trying to let his other senses take over.
He focuses on one thing he can smell – Kie’s shampoo. It’s flowery and soft and not quite the right scent, but it draws him back to the jungle on the island, their little slice of paradise. There was a tiny grove of wildflowers, and the first time they’d stumbled upon it Kie’s face had lit up, so thrilled with their discovery. He’d picked one and tucked it behind her ear and she’d frowned and told him off for basically killing it, but she couldn’t completely hide the pleased smile blooming on her face.
He can feel Kie’s leg slung over his, the soothing weight of her body against his, reminding him that she’s not leaving him. It’s the same way she’s always slept, and he can’t count the number of mornings he’s awoken with his limbs tangled with hers. She’d gradually edge him off the bed, taking up more and more space, and he would always move over, let her take over. Now though, he holds his ground, lets them share the same space, their bodies curled together as easy as breathing.
They haven’t kissed again, not since they climbed out of the plane in South America, but he swears he can still taste her. He thinks he’s memorized the sweetness of her lips against his, so at odds with her fiery personality, but perfect all the same. That fucking moment when they’d kissed for the first time is permanently burned in his brain. Breathless and desperate but also exactly right, like a lock finally clicking into place, a door swinging open to a world of new possibilities as her hands framed his face and he gripped her hips, hardly daring to believe that she was really letting him kiss her.
With his eyes closed he can’t see anything, but he calls one of his favourite memories to mind, letting it play on the back of his eyelids as his hand strokes up and down Kie’s back. It’s a day like any other, before their lives got all wild and crazy, hours spent catching waves on their boards and lying around on the Pogue. Kie’d ended up next to him, her shoulder pressed against his and they’d shared a joint just the two of them, passing it back and forth until there was nothing left. Her head had tipped onto his shoulder, and he’d stiffened before relaxing when she laced her fingers with his and started pointing out all the constellations she knew.
The rhythmic sound of Kie’s soft breathing settles over him as she slips off into a dreamland that’s hopefully happier than their reality right now. Both of them homeless, parentless, penniless until their share of the gold comes in. He can’t help but think that things are pretty rough right now, but with the weight of her in his arms, he’s reminded of what she’d said to him on the boat, a quiet smile on her face.
Whatever happens, we’re gonna handle it together. Just like we always do.
He holds on to that – her confidence, the assurance on her face as she’d studied him so carefully, like he was special. The way she’d leaned into him instead of away, and he’d tipped his head towards hers, always wanting more, always wanting her.
Yeah, he doesn't know how long this is gonna last, but he desperately wants to hold on to it, on to her, for as long as he can. It might be a fantasy, the idea that he can keep Kie just like this, but he convinces himself that it’s reality too.
Forever.