Chapter Text
Hey, this is u right?
Levi scowled down at his phone, rereading the message from an unknown sender. The area code was the same as his, so it was safe to assume this was just a wrong number situation.
That wasn't going to stop him from fucking with a stranger, though. It was a passion of his.
Yeah whats up.
Nothn much, just with Mikasa.
Cool, how is she?
Still obsessed with her, eh Jean?
Hmm, Levi thought. Jean, his new name... He wondered how long he could keep this up. His record before was almost three days.
A new message made his phone vibrate.
Shes fine, still creeped out by ur horse face tho. Hows the new phone?
The paperwork Levi was supposed to be completing for Erwin was completely abandon as Levi invested himself in the conversation, seeing as this stranger wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Levi assumed, based on the horse face comment, that this was one of those "love to hate" friendships, and responded accordingly.
Shut up, fuckface. It's alright, still getting the hang of the new operating system.
Haha, ya i can tell by the way u hav perfect grammar
Adjusting his style a bit, Levi sat back in his seat a little more, getting comfortable and getting his detective on. So far he could tell this was most likely a guy, just based on the whole "dude bro best friends who make fun of each other all the time" vibe he's getting.
Everyone has perfect grammar compared to u
Yea but look who just switched to "u" instead of you, dumbass
Stfu, why did you text me?
Levi wanted to get past this part of the conversation, having already confirmed the texting style of Jean the horseface.
So u cld get my number in ur phone duh lik u asked
Levi worried this was slowly getting into recalling past situations, a conversation that had more often than not got him caught as an imposter. Thinking quickly, Levi formulated a plan.
Right ill add u in as fuckface now
Hah, how about "Eren, the guy who broke ur nose and made u cry"
Levi raised an eyebrow, processing the new information. His plan had worked better than he thought, he'd learned this guys name was Eren, and that him and Jean had a rough past. Or maybe just a one time incident. Either way, Eren obviously liked pointing this out, so it must still bother Jean. Levi decided to go out on a whim.
Whatever I got u back
Lol how by flopping on ur date with my sister
By getting ur sister to go on a date with me in the first place. I bet that hurt
It was a pity date, horseface, mikasa told me so. And I wouldn't be bragging about it, considering what happened
Alright, Levi was getting extremely curious at what happened between Jean and Mikasa. Curling his lip slightly, he denied the idea that he was getting dangerously interested in these people's lives, like watching a soap opera. Either way, he typed out:
It wasn't that bad
Ha!
Then a moment later
Mikasa told me everything
What did she say?!?
That you hit the brakes so hard she hit her head on the dash board. And the whole, you-throwing-up-on-her-shoes thng.
Holy shit, Levi laughed, what a fuck up. This Jean kid sounded funnier and funnier every moment. Assuming this date was recent, Levi continued, trying for some sympathy
I didn't think she would share that much...
Eren's tone changed suddenly, and Levi's suspicion was confirmed that these two were indeed actual friends.
Hey, it wasn't all bad. She didn't run out, right? Maybe u shldnt get the shellfish at dinner tho, I thought we learned this lesson in fifth grade.
Ah, Levi thought, long term friends. Unless these were kids talking. Kids with particularly filthy mouths. He set to find out.
Maybe I can make it up to her.. Whens her birthday again?
Wtf? She turned 20 two months ago, ya know, when u gave her that stuffed cloud pillow for sum reason???????
Oh yeah, sry. Long day.
Hard work, pining after Marco?
Shit, Levi though, this was going into dangerous territory. He was having too much fun at this point to get caught so early. This Eren kid seemed completely oblivious, and he was going to fuck with him as much as possible.
Who?
Oh shut up, ur best friend that uve been crushing on since freshman year?
I have no idea who you're talking about.
Levi kept up the annoying denial act, hoping to get more information.
Good evasion tactic. I gtg Mikasa and I r watching a movie. Bi
Levi sighed and sat back fully in his chair, putting his phone down. His slight reprieve from work was over.
----××××××-----
The next time Eren texted Levi was that evening, as he was settling into bed. His slight annoyance at the sound of his phone alarm wasn't enough to keep him from responding.
ugh I h8 life
Ignoring the use of h8, Levi typed back,
wat happened
my dad
Levi hesitated, curiosity winning out in the end.
evrythng ok?
no. He's such an ass
Levi paused, worrying this might be going too far. He'd fucked with people before, but they'd never confided in him personal things before. Before he could decide what to do, though, Eren texted again.
Like, todays the anniversary, right? So me and Mikasa get dressed up and get to his house at 10 like every year. And he opens the door in his flippin scrubs, about to head out to the hospital. Tells us he's on call today. We tell him well wait cause this is important and we assume we'll go at lunch or somthng. And he says he made lunch plans. With a women. He's going on a date the anniversary of his wife's death, what an asshole. So me and Mikasa go to the cemetery alone and text him later that maybe he could send some flowers to the cemetery (cause they hav this service that decorates the head stones) and he tells us he might get around to it. Might. I am beyond done
Levi can't stop himself from reading, even after he realizes how personal the text was. Next came the debate on what to do. He could confess he wasn't Jean and probably face the stranger's anger at being tricked, ignore the number completely from this point onwards, or continue being an asshole and pretend to be the supportive friend......
Thats messed up, im sry :/
Levi's never been that good at not being an asshole, and the kid seemed pretty beat up about this. Maybe Levi could help.
Yeah I just don't know what to do besides ignore him. He blows off my calls and texts, changes the topic when I ever bring up mom
Then don't call or txt, confront him. Make him sit down and talk with u, bring Mikasa too. Tell him wat u tell me
A couple minutes passed and Levi worried he said something very out of character for Jean. That was Levi talking, after all.
Just when he was about to text something else, Eren responded
That's actually... Half decent advice. R u feeling okay Jean uve never actually been helpful befor
Levi was right, then, uncharacteristic of Jean to give advice. That wasn't going to stop Levi from giving it. He might be fucking with this kid but he wasn't going to bully him.
What r friends for
I thought I wasn't ur friend horseface
Come on the horseface thng is getting repetitive. And u consider me a friend, according to Mikasa, so I feel it's my duty as a philanthropist
I never said that and wow that's one big word 4 u where did you learn it
"What a brat," Levi snorted out loud. He knew he was sick, but honestly his hum drum life needed something to shake it up. If that shake up happened to be pretending to be this stranger's friend for as long as he could, so be it.
Wondering where he could take the conversation, a thought occurred to him.
Your girlfriend.
????
**boyfriend
for the last fuking time me and Armin r not dating!
R u sure
That would be like me dating u. Disgusting.
Alright alright sry. Just to clarify then, Armin is your...?
Best. Friend. Ya know, the thing u aren't.
Right, my bad. I'll let u stay in the closet where u belong
Wtf Jean I came out of the closet four years ago
Levi hummed. Gay, probably 20 year old kid. One sister and a best friend, Mikasa and Armin, horse faced friend named Jean, a dead mom, and a jerk off doctor dad. Levi tried not to feel like a stalker at having all this information.
I mean Armin's closet, where u watch him sleep.
Haha jerk
Levi didn't know how to respond to that, so he let the conversation drop. Just as he got comfy in his pillows, his phone buzzed. Squinting at the small screen, he read the newest message.
I miss my mom.. Even after four years.
Then, immediately.
Shit, that was supposed to go to Armin. If u say anything I will rip ur throat out.
Levi blinked once at the screen, instantly feeling bad for the kid. They're both part of the dead mom society. Doing the math quickly, Levi determined that Jean had known Eren before his mom died and tried to say something comforting.
Its okay... She was nice, I remember
A long minute passed before Eren responded.
Yeah... She was. She always thought u were a bad influence on me
She was probably right
Ha most definitely. Night
Night.
Shit. When this kid finally realized this isn't Jean, he was gunna be pissed. The thought kept Levi up, and he wasn't sure why. He felt guilty for practically tricking personal information out of him, but he still felt the desire to talk to him. It was all kinds of confusing until it hit Levi that maybe he wanted to comfort Eren as himself, not Jean. Levi shoved the thought of his mind and focused on sleep. His life was way too sad.
----××××××-----
Eren texted him throughout the next day, here or there. They were mostly stupid jokes, actually. Stupid jokes that Levi laughed at. This kid was actually pretty interesting, at least. The last person he'd done this with was the most boring person ever.
As time went on, though, Levi felt a certain sense of dread. The further this went, the more pissed Eren was probably going to be when he found out the truth. He had gotten the angry side along with the hilarious side of these endings before, but Levi didn't feel like hurting this college student who apparently had enough shit going on in his life, if his complaining was anything to go by.
He felt bad, he realized. This had all taken a turn for the worst very quickly, but he couldn't seem to stop texting Eren. He'd even made a contact for him.
It all came crashing down the next day. Levi wasn't enjoying the fact that this was the longest he pretended to be someone else, mainly because Eren had told him how the talk with his dad had went. In a word: awful.
Levi was eating with Hanji at the cafe next to his apartment building. It was a normal afternoon until his phone buzzed.
You. Jean. I am texting you, Jean, now, the person standing right in front of me.
Levi's heart skipped a beat.
"Shit," he said, getting up and digging in his pocket for his money. Hanji gave him a look but then he was shoving bills on the table and heading for the doors.
Hanji called after him, but he was already heading into his apartment building. Getting inside quickly, he paced the floor and thought frantically what to do. He'd been pointedly avoiding this topic of thought, trying to deny the possibility of this ever happening. Except, it was happening, and Levi had no idea what to do.
Another three minutes passed before his phone buzzed. Levi sat on the couch and tried to control his heartbeat as he read the message.
Who is this.
Suddenly Levi stopped vibrating and accepted his fate.
My name is Levi
What the hell is this
Not knowing how to respond, Levi didn't.
What the hell is wrong with you, were you pretending to by my friend?!?!
Yes
Levi left it at that, dread settling in his gut.
I cannot fucking believe this...
Who the fuck do you think you are, shoving your way into people's lives like that?
Levi sighed. He expected Eren to be angry, but it was still hard to read.
I'm sorry. It started as fun but then you sounded like you needed some help...
He didn't know why he tried explaining himself, this was going to end with a blocked number anyway.
Wow, it all makes sense now. Jean was never that cool about my problems. Fuck I told you about my mom! You think that maybe was taking it a bit far?!?!? Pretending to know a kids dead mother???
I know what you're going through, I thought I could offer advice that helped me
Well that worked great, thanks Levi. You also made me look like an ass to Jean. Not that I care about horsefaces feelings but it was still embarrassing.
Again, Levi was at a loss for words. This wasn't fun anymore. Not at all. And he didn't think apologizing again would do anything. Surprising him, Eren continued texting.
This is so fucked up, you know so much about me. How the fuck did u know Jean calls me fuckface?????
Lucky guess? I call people fuckface all the time...
Yeah you seem like that kind of person. This is insane. So what now then?!?!?!?
Up to you?
What u want to continue this relationship after you pretended to be my friend for three days??????
I'm not expecting anything, brat. Just that it's up to you.
Well idk what to fucking do. I've never actually been in this situation before. Have you?
... Yes.
Wow. Well what did you do with those ones??
Laughed, mostly, when they realized they haven't been sending their pancake recipes to Karren all week.
Ur a monster. R u laughing at me then?
No
Why not
Cause you didn't send me pancake recipes.
Cause u realize you've invaded someone's personal life, uninvited?
If you want to put it that way.
Well then.... I guess its only fair that you tell me about u then.
Levi's heart missed another beat.
What?
You know my friends and family history, and a majority of my puns. I deserve something.
Levi thought for a moment.
What do you want to know?
Who's ur best friend.
Zher name is Hanji...
Zher?
Nonbinary.
Ah. Hey wait you even know I'm gay. Wtf is this???
I'm gay too if it helps.
It does, a little. Okay who's your biggest enemy?
Hanji.
Ur best friend can't be your biggest enemy.
I beg to differ.
Chose someone else.
Fine. The rest of the human race.
I figured you'd be one of those people.
Thanks
Np
Anything else?
Yes. You said you know what I'm going through. What did you mean by that.
Levi was about to type something about boundaries before he remembered who he was talking to.
My mom died of cancer when I was fifteen. Dad left to join her two years later.
Left?
Suicide. I was seventeen. I thought that maybe if I sat down and talked with him about my mom, things would be different.
Sorry to hear.. That's why you told me to sit down with my dad?
Basically.
Well that didn't go that well, and my dad seems fine without my mom anyway.
He's not. My dad acted that way too. He even went out on bar flings with random women. Its a coping mechanism.
How old are you Levi?
He wasn't expecting that in response.
Why do you ask?
Curiosity, and u owe me.
I'm 34. How old are you?
Haven't you added that up yet with the rest of my life? I'm twenty.
Ah.
Yeah.
A minute passed before Eren texted again.
One more thing.
Yeah?
Give me your best pun.
----××××××-----
Levi wouldn't have expected this in a million years.
He stayed up almost all night texting a college kid, just telling him about his life.
He told him about Erwin, their past no go relationship that sputtered out of existence a week after it started. Told him about Hanjis identity struggle through high school and college, about his boring job in accounting that he went to college for only because of the financial stability. When asked why, he even admitted that he was basically homeless his last year of high school after his dad died, and how he evading the social services system long enough to get his GED. Told him about the crime he'd committed on the streets before Erwin found him and offered his spare room. How Hanji helped him get into college, and how he owed them everything since.
In return he got to learn about Eren. Not just decipher bits and parts of his life behind another identity. Eren told him lots of little things, but also about the burglar that broke into their home in the middle of the night when he was sixteen, when his dad was away on business. How his mom and him and Mikasa had woken up, and silently descended the stairs together. How they had confronted the man in the kitchen, his mother grabbing a knife to defend them. The man threw his bag at Mikasa, knocking her into Eren, and attacked their mom. He told Levi that he had watched helplessly as he grabbed her arm that held the knife and twisted to plunge it into her body. He told Levi that him and Mikasa held her dying body, and she told then that she loved them.
Levi never expected any of this. But he was grateful nevertheless.
They talked early into the next morning, until Eren admitted he couldn't keep his eyes open and had a class the next morning, and Levi told him to sleep. It was the strangest relationship Levi had ever been a part of.
The next day the tone changed a bit. Levi went to work at his accounting firm as usual (thanks again to Erwin, his boss). Hanji was conveniently working in HR, a crime Levi thought was almost laughable. If he really wanted to punish the employees under him, he just sent them to zher.
He was thankfully on his break when Eren texted him.
I missed my class..... I blame you
Levi scoffed at his phone, but couldn't really deny its truth.
Its my fault you're an airhead?
Yes. I'm reading through ur Jean txts rn... Its kind of genius.
You mean manipulative?
Yes but in a genius way. You got me to tell u so much like wtf
Its a skill
Did you learn that much with everyone else you did this with?
Not even close.
Not knowing where else to take this conversation, Levi went back to work. Three hours of spreadsheets and meetings later, and he was free to go home. It was only when he got into his living room that he noticed he had three missed texts.
Hey
Levi
What do u look like?
Why?
He responded quickly,
Cause I wanna know
Why
Cause you've told me a lot of stories but I don't have the faintest clue what face to put to them
Alright what do you need to know to satisfy this urge??
I wouldn't call it an urge u freak. Okay how about how tall are you?
Next question
Levi
Yes?
How tall are you
Yes?
Damnit Levi. R u short or tall?
Its one of those.
So ur short
Not particularly vertically gifted.
Okay see that wasn't that hard.
Sure
...how short r u
Next question
Fine... What color hair
Black
Haircut?
Undercut
Rly??lol
Why is that funny
Jean has an undercut
Oh god.
Yikes haha. Eye color?
I feel like I'm filling out a fucking EHarmony survey. Grey.
Yeah u r im making u one rn you've caught me
Who's manipulative now
I've learned from the best
Youre such a brat
Ya know u called me that when u were pretending to be Jean and I was so confused but still didn't put two and two together.
So maybe you're just slow and i'm not manipulative.
Haha whatever, shortie.
I will kill you
Whatever. So ???
So what
Aren't u going to ask what I look like?
No
Why not
Cause its bothering you so much
Jerk
Fine tell me about your shitty face.
Eren didn't text back right away, surprising Levi. He got up to make himself some tea, and by the time he got back his phone had alerted him to a new picture message.
He opened it tentatively and nearly dropped his mug. The boy smiling dorkily at the screen had brown hair and a pair of the prettiest eyes Levi's ever seen. The were bluish green and the lighting of the picture was practically making them glow. Behind him, a smaller head poked over his shoulder. It was a not as attractive kid with sandy blond hair, making a dumb, long face. He had an undercut. Levi chuckled when he identified him as Jean, the horseface nickname seeming appropriate.
A text was under the picture from a couple minutes ago, and Levi hadn't even realized he'd been staring at the picture for so long.
Well??
Levi grinned at the impatience.
Not bad.
Thanks? Ur turn
?
Send me a picture
I already told you what I looked like why do you need a picture
Cause its not the same.
Too bad
:((((
No amount of frownie faces will change my answer.
Fiiiine. I've gtg to class tho, ttyl
Ttyl??
Talk to you later? God ur old
Shut up and learn
Will do. Bi