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He’s pretty sure he’s finally gone insane. Absolutely off the rails. Because he’s staring at Kiara Carrera and he’s watching as her fingers graze over ukulele strings. JJ’s watching and his heartbeat’s increasing to the rhythm of her strumming, kiekiekiekie it beats. He inhales sharply, before carefully sitting down next to her.
JJ feels sorry. For himself, for the sorry life he’s living, for Kie because he’ll never be the person she wants. Not someone she can be proud of, or someone her parents won’t wrinkle their noses at. He wants to say it but the words get stuck in his throat.
‘Watcha playin? He asks instead.
The strumming comes to a stop, and he immediately regrets opening his mouth. It’d been nice sitting next to her, the low hum of her ukulele, her warm body next to his. Reminding him that she’s there, she’s real.
Her eyes flicker up to his eyes, like honey, ‘riptide by vance joy,’ she says, ‘I know that's like generic as hell-’
She stops abruptly. And JJ has no clue why, Kiara doesn’t look away though. She holds his gaze and it’s like someone is stabbing him with a knife from the inside. He’s used to it by now. Whenever he remembers that he’ll never know what Kie’s lips feel like on his own.
‘That was my mom’s favorite song.’
‘I know,’ she says simply.
His breaths are ragged now, ‘you’re pretty good at that,’ he quips once Kiara resumes her playing.
She clocks him with a knowing look, like she knows something he doesn’t. JJ doesn’t like it one bit, ‘was that a compliment?’ she giggles.
She actually giggles, ‘ Kie,’ he groans and swiftly buries his face in a nearby cushion. There's something burning and urgent pulsating beneath his skin.
Kiara takes a moment before nudging his shoulder, ‘c’mon I’ll teach you a song.’ He snorts, ‘yeah right.’
‘I’m serious.’
‘So am I,’ JJ scoffs, ‘I have the musical sense of a racoon.’
Kiara’s mouth twitches, ‘you really underestimate yourself.’ And that stops him in his tracks, because they’d just been messing around. This direction felt heart felt. He wonders faintly, how many times Kiara would bare her soul to him before she got tired of his apathy.
‘Not really,’ he says, ‘I’m only good at stealing shit and fucking up.’
He expects a laugh, her laugh that sounds better than every lullaby he heard as a kid. But Kiara frowns at him. She hands him the ukulele and says, ‘how do you not see how-’ she pauses.
‘How amazing you are,’ she exhales, ‘like it literally confuses me.’
JJ stops breathing. There's something anguished about her face, a small dent where she scrunches her eyebrows. She wipes at her eyes, they’re shaped like almonds, overfilling. The ukulele feels heavy in his hand, ‘ Kie,’ he breathes.
Kiara takes his hand and places it on the ukulele instead, ‘one here,’ she says placing his index finger somewhere , he doesn’t really register anything other than how close she is. He thinks if he just moves an inch her lips would be there waiting. His eyes sting from the lack of blinking, but JJ’s sure if he blinks she’ll be gone when he opens his eyes.
Her skin glows under the butter yellow bulb, she’s saying something and her eyes are twinkling along with her words. The thing about Kiara is she speaks with her eyes more than her mouth. If she loves you her eyes will sizzle like a just-opened bottle of beer he can devour in a few gulps. If she hates you her eyes will be fractured too, an incoming storm.
Kiara stops speaking abruptly, ‘you’re not listening to a thing, are you?’
She looks straight into his eyes, and for a split second her gaze flickers to his lips. It’s so swift that JJ wonders if he’d imagined it. ‘You know I-’ the words get stuck.
Their fingers are still tangled together, JJ feels the unease rise through his throat. He pulls away, but Kie glances at him sharply and only tightens her grip. ‘ JJ,’ that's all she says, like his name is enough reason. The fireplace crackles every now and then, a soft moan comes from John B’s room.
JJ manages to detangle himself and after an eon of silence, he clears his throat, ‘hey, Kie?’
She stops poking at the ukulele and looks up. Her expression is like all the broken bottles whenever he goes home, and JJ never thought he’d be the reason for it. It’s just another sharp stab in his chest.
‘Uh you know that whole entire money clip and dad situation?’ Even as he’s saying the words it feels much more monumental than just an apology.
‘Yeah.’
‘Well,’ JJ starts, ‘that wasn’t that cool.’ There's a new pit in his stomach, not the usual one that twists and turns every word Kiara says and makes it sharp and harsher than it probably was. It’s different. Different in the way that Kiara Carrera could be absolutely anywhere else, yet she’s here with him on a couch that stinks of weed. While their friends have very loud sex next door and the broken tap in the kitchen continues to drip like it has for the last five years.
‘And I'm kinda beating around the bush a little bit,’ he fumbles, because the way Kiara’s looking at him almost makes him want to believe. That maybe she sees something in him that JJ himself can’t see.
Her eyes linger everywhere, and he thinks he might be coming down with something because speaking was never this hard before. ‘But um I’m-’ he tries again.
‘Yeah?’ Kiara says again. Except it’s a question this time, there's a lilt to it that JJ recognizes as hope. There's also that knowing smile again, like she already knows what he’s going to say even before he does. Because JJ honestly has no clue.
But it’s not that far-fetched, sometimes he thinks Kie knows him better than he does. Whenever he glances at her and she immediately knows what he’s thinking, what exact thing is going through his mind.
‘I’m sorry.’
The words are abrupt and jagged, like a confession, holding so much more weight than it should. And for a moment JJ thinks he hasn’t even said them out loud because Kiara stays silent. Staring at him with the ghost of a smile etched on her face. And once upon a time he may have mistaken it for pity, he might have gotten mad about it. But JJ’s known her long enough to know that Kiara doesn’t do pity, she tells you to stop feeling sorry and do something about it.
She still doesn’t say anything, he thinks maybe she’s changed her mind. I would too, JJ thinks. But then she’s leaning forward and there's a rush of blood and he feels the air between them crackle. Kiara’s so close he’s pretty sure he could count her eyelashes, long and lingering.
There's a tug, a push, a something that tells him to meet her in the middle and never let go. He doesn’t. She doesn’t react though, ‘you’re an idiot,’ she tells him and she has a full grin now.
Her lips look inviting, they call to him in all their lush, mauvelous glory. His head tips forward slightly and Kiara’s eyes flicker to his lips. He’s pretty sure they’re chapped as fuck. But she looks down like it’s the most appealing view, like a kid outside the ice cream shop.
The urge to just lean is too much, JJ doesn’t understand how he resists sometimes. Because her lips look like they might be soft, might be home. ‘ Jayj ,’ she whimpers.
And it sends a whole other ripple of want through him, it’s urgent, it’s alive and it’s clawing at him from the inside. But JJ pulls back like he also does. That and Sarah had just screamed John B’s name eight times in a row, so not really ideal, he thinks.
He clears his throat, ‘so like, you forgive me?’ he asks, ‘just to be clear.’
‘Yes, you ass.’
She nudges his chest with her elbow, ‘just clarifying,’ he quips holding up his hands.
Kiara rolls her eyes and just like that it’s like they hadn’t been staring at each other a moment ago. The underlying tension is there, every time his hand comes in contact with her skin it’s like he’s on fire. Burning and burning and only Kiara can save him.
But they’re just JJ and Kie, like they’ve been for so long. The JJ and Kie he told himself he’d be satisfied with. Except he hadn’t exactly kept that promise, had he? He knows just how badly he’s broken it every time he looks at her and she’s just Kie.
Another moan escapes John B’s room and Kiara wrinkles her nose, ‘yeah, that’s about enough,’ she gags, ‘you wanna go for a smoke?’
He blinks at her, trying to grasp at what she’s just asked him. Because this is Kie, the one person who can go from longing stares to smoking weed without missing a beat. The one person he doesn’t think he’d survive losing.
‘Hell yeah.’
She grabs their stash from the broken vase on the kitchen counter and they head out back together. The night is young but there's a chill breeze that rocks the hammock to and fro. He leans back staring straight up at the trees, the branches layer each other like puzzle pieces. All small parts of one whole, he vaguely wonders what happens if one disappears.
‘Hey, Jayj?’
‘Yeah?’ he turns his head only to inhale sharply, because she’s right there. There's barely an inch between. JJ feels her breath against his nose, warm and ticklish. Kiara exhales and a wave of smoke washes over him and gently onto the wind. It melts into the night sky but JJ only stares at her. She’s ethereal , he doesn’t know how she’s even real.
She hands him the cigarette and her hand brushes against his torso. And maybe he’s lived long enough, maybe his headstone will read cause of death: Kiara Carrera.
‘Nothing,’ she whispers to him, ‘just felt like seeing your face.’
His neck feels warm, his cheeks flushed. And JJ’s pretty sure he’s blushing, since when does he blush ? He wants to kick John B and Sarah out and hide under the blanket. Because fuck if this isn’t embarrasing.
‘Are you blushing ?’
‘I’m not,’ he says immediately, it sounds like a weak denial even to him.
‘You are!’ Kiara sits up, ‘oh my god, I made JJ maybank blush.’
‘I’m really not,’ JJ mumbles, but when Kiara knows, she knows.
She giggles, ‘this is too good,’ she says, ‘just wait till I tell John B, he’ll have a field day.’
JJ sits up too, the calm from before gone just like that, ‘you are not telling John B.’
Kiara smirks, ‘try and stop me.’
She scampers off the hammock towards the Chateau with JJ not far behind. The hammock swings back and forth violently as they leave, and the moon seems to shine brighter.
‘Kiara!’ he yells.
But all he gets in return is a middle finger and an empty beer can chucked at him. He catches up to her and looping an arm around her waist he pins her to the door of the Chateau. She giggles at him and JJ thinks maybe he did die in the hammock after all. Because she smiles with her eyes too, and for a moment he’s completely mesmerized.
‘You should smile more.’
For a moment JJ thinks it’s him who’s said it, But Kiara’s gazing at him with parted lips. And it’s a difficult challenge not to kiss her right then and there.
He tucks a curl behind her ear, ‘you should smile all the time,’ he says instead. And if it were any other situation Kie would call him cheesy, she’d tell everyone that JJ Maybank was going soft. But she doesn’t so JJ takes that as a win.