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"You doing alright back there?" Joel called, stopping in his tracks to turn back to where the teenager had stopped to watch the last of the leaves fall off the branches, landing all about the two. "Ellie?"
Ellie snapped out of their thoughts before Joel came any closer, calling back in acknowledgement before stepping back onto the muddy trail to follow him.
"God, it's freezing!"
"Yup, winter's coming. You should appreciate that we can even walk down here, all this mud will soon be ice."
Ellie made a show of dragging their feet through the sludge, grimacing. "Then it'd take less time to go down the trail." Joel let out a brief chuckle but said nothing else. "What about snow?"
Joel took a long swig out of his thermos before responding, "What about it?"
"Well it's gonna snow during winter isn't it? What if it snows? We could like, get sleds or something." The teen dragged their feet out of the mud to move from the trail once more, clinging onto a tree as they attempted to walk along the edge of the mud, balancing on the thick roots.
"That would just complicate things, don't you think?" He said, taking another swig, deciding to humour Ellie's logic for a moment. "We're not even on a hill, it would only slow us down." He watched as Ellie disappeared behind one of the trees, seeming more concerned about keeping balance than listening. "You uh, doing alright?"
"Huh?" Ellie stretched out their arms as they balanced along a large log sitting in the mud, "Yeah, 'course. Why?"
Joel shifted where he stood for a moment, trying to keep an eye on Ellie from between the branches. "Nah, nothing. I was just checking. You seem awful quiet today, is all." He couldn't help but cringe at how hard it was for him to express his own concern.
Ellie was quiet for a moment. All he could hear from them was the rustle of their jacket as they carefully tip-toed along the log. "What? I'm fine, man," they said eventually, chuckling at the way he seemed to force the words out. "I'm fine, I just.. I dunno. Just thinking, I guess. You know?"
Joel continued to move forward through the mud, still keeping watch on the teen. "Yeah? About what?"
Ellie chewed their lip, before letting out a long breath, blowing out their cheeks. "I don't know, just stuff. It doesn't matter."
"Alright then, if you're sure," Joel shrugged. "Stay on the path, you're straying too far."
Ellie hopped down from the log to join his side, muttering under their breath. They went quiet again for a couple of minutes as they dragged their feet, thinking.
"This is gonna sound stupid."
"Shoot."
Ellie sucked in a breath, "it's a stupid question. What does it feel like, like to be a guy?"
Joel turned back at them, and the expression on his face only made them all the more embarrassed. "Do you mean like, socially, physically? What are you asking me?"
"I dunno, just in general. Like what does it feel like every day to wake up and be a man?"
"It doesn't feel like anything. I've never thought about it." Joel shrugged, looking a mix between puzzled and amused.
"Oh."
"Why?"
They simply shrugged, making an effort to look everywhere but Joel. "You've never felt weird about it? Like you've never thought about what it'd be like to, I don't know, be something else?"
"I don't know what you're asking me."
Ellie flushed, crossing their arms with a sigh to mask their embarrassment. "I told you it was stupid, it doesn't matter."
"No, tell me what you mean."
"No, I'm just making conversation, it really doesn't matter."
The older man tried to catch their eye but Ellie was staring at the ground. He let out a sigh himself. "I've never given it much thought before. I've just always been like this, it never even occurred to me to be anything else."
"If you woke up tomorrow and you were a woman, how would you feel?" Ellie asked, though their voice was quiet, unsure.
"Uhh," He scratched the back of his head, really thinking, "I don't think I'd care to be honest. So long as I can still fight, use a gun, whatever. I really don't know, kid."
Ellie nodded, seeming to consider this. Joel let out an awkward laugh, puzzled. "Why?" He asked.
They shrugged, looking uncharacteristically shy as he watched them. "I wish I felt like that."
Joel could sense that the conversation was leading somewhere sensitive. He made an effort to be careful with his words. "I uh.. I guess it's simpler, being a man. I never really had to fight to be where I was, you know? Not back in the day at least. I always took it for granted. But don't let that get to you, kid. I've known women who were far more capable than I've ever been. Hell, I couldn't put up with half the shit women have had to put up with throughout the years. Where did this come from anyway? Did someone say something to you?"
Ellie shook their head, smiling a little at his efforts. "It's not like that. I know that already." They watched Joel as he struggled to make sense of their words. "I guess I'm saying I don't really feel like I'm a girl." Joel only appeared more puzzled than ever, but despite the tension in the air, Ellie instantly felt a weight come off their shoulders. "I've never told anyone that before. Not even my best friend."
"So, uh.. what do you feel like then?"
Ellie was now walking ahead of Joel, eyes still on the mud. "I.. haven't really made sense of it yet. Like I know I'm not a girl, at least I don't think so? It doesn't feel right, I don't like being reminded of it," they said, "I uh, I guess I sometimes feel like a guy. I don't really know what it feels like to be a boy, but thinking about it seems better than being a girl. Not 'cause I think girls can't do anything, obviously. Sometimes I don't really feel like anything at all."
"Seems like you've given this a lot of thought."
"I.. uh, yeah. This isn't actually anything new to me. I thought it'd be easier to just ignore it but it seems to only get louder when I do." Ellie turned to face Joel, "is this.. okay? Like you don't think I'm weird or anything now, right?"
"Nah, kid." Joel caught up to them so they were both walking side by side, "I don't really know a lot about this stuff, but what you're feeling isn't anything new, trust me. I appreciate that you could feel comfortable telling me that. I can't imagine it's that pleasant to live with."
Ellie laughed, flushing again, "don't get mushy on me, please," though they were beaming.
"So uh, what now? Do you want me to call you anything else?"
Ellie shrugged, "I guess I'll figure that out."
"Yeah. Yeah, we can figure it out together."