Chapter Text
Nā Hohonu – Ka’analike ‘ia A Hūnā ‘ia (Depths – Shared And Hidden)
There was a lot about Steve that surprised Danny but there was more that did not surprise him about Steve.
- Dark Day
Steve stood leant against the wall in the foyer of Grace’s school with Danny pacing ten steps one way then back ten steps before he repeated it all over again. They were waiting for Grace to be bought out as the school had called Steve saying that Grace had requested he come and pick her up but would not give him any details over the phone. Naturally, Steve and Danny had been in the car together, and Steve had answered the phone on speaker but taking one look at Danny told him it had been a mistake although at least he had had the foresight to ask the caller to tell Grace that they were both coming.
“Danny…” Steve went to move to stand in front of Danny to stop him from pacing as the school’s receptionist was watching wearily but his attention was diverted to behind the glass doors where Grace was shuffling down the corridor towards them with her teacher as an escort. He moved towards the doors hearing the minute buzz that signalled they were being unlocked and opened. “Hey sweetheart.” He said not expecting Grace to rush towards him and wrap her arms around him tightly, and he looked at the teacher who had escorted Grace whose name escaped him right now but she only shrugged apologetically. He returned the hug and leaned over to kiss the top of her head feeling as she shuddered against him. “Go hug your Dad sweetheart while I talk to your teacher.”
Danny had stopped his pacing the moment Steve had called his name then shifted his attention to Grace, and he watched the way Grace instinctually reacted by throwing herself at Uncle Steve, after all he was who she wanted. Admittedly, that stung a little bit but he was also grateful that his daughter had someone else in her life who loved her just as much as he did. “Hi monkey.” He did not miss the way she was hunched in on herself or the way she moved from clinging to Steve to throwing and clinging herself to him. Something must have happened and he hated not knowing but his priority was his daughter.
Steve followed the teacher to the far corner of the foyer although he kept his eyes on Grace and Danny seeing she was now hugging Danny just as tightly as she had hugged him. “What’s going on?” He asked foregoing the formalities as Grace did not get upset over much and even then it was always justified.
“Commander McGarrett, I am one of Grace’s teachers, Miss Hekekia. Grace asked that we call you.” Miss Hekekia explained looking over at Grace who refused to let go of Danny. “Grace has been unusually quiet and withdrawn the last few days, and myself and her other teachers have noticed. I tried to talk to her this morning after class however she began crying and asked me to call you to pick her up.” She paused glancing over at Grace again. “Is there something going on at home that we need to be aware of Commander McGarrett?”
Steve frowned as he looked over at Grace seeing she had not let go of Danny but what was more alarming was what the teacher was saying because she had not said anything to Danny otherwise he would have known about it. “Grace has been staying at her Mom’s this week but she has not said anything however Danny and I will find out what is going on.” He paused wondering why Grace had not said anything before now but that was not what he should be focused on. “Does Grace have any assignments that need to be done?”
Miss Hekekia smiled at the caring man in front of her knowing that Grace cared for her uncle just as much as she had heard Grace speak highly about him. “Just make sure everything is alright with Grace. Everything else can wait for the moment.” Her student’s well-being was more important than school work. “Here is her bag.” She held the bag out to him which he took and slung over his shoulder.
Steve was somewhat surprised but he was grateful that the focus was on Grace rather than any work that she needed to complete. “Thank you.” He shook the teacher’s hand before he crossed back across the foyer to where Grace was still clinging to Danny unmoving and Danny looked affronted and fearful all at once. He shook his head at Danny before he crouched down beside Grace. “Gracie, sweetheart, you, me and Danno are going to get out of here. Is there somewhere that you would like to go?” He asked keeping his voice pointedly soft as he wanted her to be comfortable which she clearly was not right now.
Grace moved her head to the side so that just half of her face was revealed. “Can we go to your house?” She asked sniffling glad that Uncle Steve had bought Danno with him even though she had not asked for him to be called.
“Of course we can sweetheart.” Steve could see that Grace was on the edge of crying again if her trembling bottom lip and bloodshot and glassy looking eyes were anything to go by. Somehow she managed to look like that terrified little girl all over again when she had been abducted on that dark day all those years ago. “Is there anything we need to get on the way there?” He asked reaching up and brushing a piece of hair back behind her ear before he stole a glance at Danny who looked shell shocked and very much like he needed a very strong drink.
“No.” Grace answered just as quietly before she unwrapped herself from Danno and moved back to Steve, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and burying her face into his shoulder.
Steve could feel the light tremble that Grace’s entire body was doing and he hated that she was shaking. It was obvious she was seeking comfort but he did not know for what reason, and he certainly did not like that he did not know. “Come on Gracie, lets go home.” He lifted her up feeling as she wrapped her legs around him as he got to his feet grateful when Danny reached out to help and steady them both as it had been a long time since he had held Gracie like he was with her in his arms. “You’re okay sweetheart.” He murmured softly as he carried her out of the building and began to descend the steps that led to where his truck was parked as the Camaro was in the shop getting some routine maintenance.
Danny listened to Steve murmur softly to his daughter, the daughter that was clinging to her Uncle Steve as if he was going to disappear on her, and that thought had something coiling tightly in his stomach and robbing him of his breath momentarily, as they made their way down the steps and to where Steve’s truck had been hurriedly parked in their hurry to get to the school and to Grace as it was not every day that either of them got a call asking to come and collect her. It wasn’t until Danny was at the passenger’s side door that he turned around to see that Steve had stopped at the bottom of the stairs with Grace still held tightly to him and was looking at the truck with what Danny could only describe as a perplexed look. Steve should not get to look perplexed, Danny thought grumpily after all as he should have been the only one perplexed given that Steve had been called to collect his daughter instead of himself. “What is it?” He asked unable to stop himself, and hoping it would get Steve moving again as he wanted to know what the hell was going on. He locked his jaw doing his best not to grind his teeth because he really could not afford a dentist’s bill nor did he need a lecture about the bad habit, ironically a bad habit that had been exacerbated since being kidnapped by the Neanderthal that was currently holding his daughter like she weighed nothing.
Steve looked up and over at Danny before he shook his head knowing that Danny was already pissed although the concern he felt for Grace was overriding the anger at the moment but it would only be a matter of time before Danny blew up at him. He rubbed his hand over Grace’s back as he forced himself to take the last few steps towards his truck before he opened the back door and dropped her down gently on the seat then shimmied her bag strap off his shoulder and put it beside her. Grace reluctantly let go of him and curled up in the seat as he put the seatbelt over her.
Danny watched Steve’s hesitation and he understood it himself as he hated seeing his daughter so sad especially when he did not know what was causing it. He climbed into the passenger’s seat as soon as Steve stepped back and closed the door before he rounded the truck and climbed into the driver’s seat. He waited until Steve pulled away from the curb and made a mental note to commend him on the careful and considerate driving that he was exhibiting with such precious cargo before he turned around and craned his neck to look at Grace who was curled up as if she was protecting herself. “You want to tell Uncle Steve and I what is going on monkey?” He asked cautiously knowing that if he handled this wrongly that she would only clam up tighter.
Grace heard the question but she could not bring herself to answer instead she let her eyes flicker past him to Steve who was focusing on the road ahead of them. She wanted desperately to blurt out what was going on but she couldn’t, not in the car and because it was something that she could not just blurt out. She turned her face towards the window and pointedly looked out at the passing scenery wishing that for once her Danno was not with her, with them.
Danny sighed and turned back to look at Steve who was continuously glancing in the rear view mirror that was angled subtly at Grace. He curled his hand into a fist letting his fingernails dig into his palm as he fought not to explode at Steve, for what he did not exactly know, but the fact that Grace had the school call Steve was a good starting point as far as he was concerned.
Steve kept glancing in the rear view mirror at Grace who was stealing glances at him between looking out the window and then to Danny who he knew was angry but doing the best not to act on it. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably feeling as if he was in between a rock and a hard place because he wanted to help Grace but the last thing he wanted to do was overstep and impede on Danny’s position as her father. There was a token amount of relief that went through him as he turned off of the street and into the beginning of his long driveway knowing the house was at the end of it. He pulled the truck in front of the garage and stopped, turning off the engine and picking up the key fob out of the centre console before he looked at Danny and then to Grace. “Let’s go inside.” He spoke softly although it did nothing to cut through the tense atmosphere, and he was not surprised when Grace remained unmoved however Danny quickly climbed out and stomped up the path although he detoured around the house rather than going up to the front door. He sighed and stepped out of the truck before he walked around to the passenger side worried at how Grace remained unmoved. He opened the door and held his hand out to her seeing her look up at him blinking heavily with her glassy eyes. The look in her eyes killed him. “Come on Gracie.” He helped her out once she had released herself from the seatbelt, closed the door and guided her up the path and into his house.
Steve was not surprised when Grace went directly to the couch and curled up in the corner of it, curling in on herself once she had grabbed the blanket that sat over the back of the couch and pulled it over herself. He looked out into the backyard seeing Danny standing at the edge of the grass where it met the sand with his back to the house, his hands shoved deep into the pockets and the tension radiating from him as his dress shirt was pulled tight across his back. And he knew he was angry. He sighed softly before he pivoted around so that he was knelt down in front of Grace knowing that she needed to settle in first, feel comfortable, before she would begin to talk. “I am going to put some coffee on. Would you like a hot chocolate or anything else, just name it Gracie?”
“Hot chocolate would be really nice please.” Grace did not often indulge in hot drinks given the climate they lived in but there was something comforting about it and right now she needed that. She looked past Steve, straining her neck a little, to see Danno standing looking out at the water which he despised. “Danno’s mad.” She stated simply knowing it was her that had made him feel that way.
Steve shook his head immediately. “No he’s not sweetheart.” The thought of Grace being worried about making Danny angry was one that he immediately hated, and a part of him wanted to go down and tell Danny to pull it together but he needed to stay close to her. “I will be in the kitchen, okay?” He waited until she nodded her head at him before he pushed himself up off of the hardwood floor and headed back to the kitchen.
Grace waited until Uncle Steve was in the kitchen and she could hear him pottering around before she began to look around the living room of the house. It was strange to look around a house that you had spent countless hours in before and not realise just how devoid it was of anything that told her who the man was that lived there, she thought with a frown marring her face. Sure there was a lot that she knew, not in detail, but she knew that Uncle Steve was a Navy Seal and that his Dad had died in the house. And she knew about who he was in the time that she had known him either from being with him or listening to her Danno tell her slightly altered and seriously toned down stories of him which was maybe why she was having such a hard time reconciling everything else. They, her Danno and Uncle Steve, tried to protect her and the other keiki of their Ohana from the realities of their lives, of their work, but she had seen and heard a lot more than she let on however she had never ever thought about the toll it had taken on them as people. But now she was, it was all she could think about, and it made her heart hurt and her stomach twist.
Steve set about making plunger extra strong coffee for him and Danny feeling as though they were about to need it, and making Grace a proper hot chocolate with milk and in a saucepan on the stove top just like his father used to make him on those nights when he came home from after a shift and he got up to greet him. It did not surprise him when Danny slipped into the kitchen through the side door as he had already unlocked it sensing that he would when he was ready. He glanced over his shoulder relieved to see that Danny looked considerably calmer although he was still tense but he could understand that on a parental level considering just how great of a father Danny was.
Danny moved further into the kitchen and hoisted himself up onto the top of the kitchen counter and wrapping his hands tightly around the edge until his knuckles were going white. His head was spinning and as much as he wanted to gather Grace up in his arms he knew he could not this time because simply he was not the one that she had asked for, and the last thing he wanted to do was pressure her.
“D…” Steve glanced over his shoulder as he risked looking away from the creamy milk chocolate that was almost ready just like their brewing coffee.
“Don’t Steve.” Danny shook his head and kept his voice low so that it did not carry through to where Grace was in the living room. “I know you were blindsided by the call… I’m not… I’m not mad, just worried.” The end of the sentence was punctuated with a huff of air because he really was not angry at Steve although he was angry at whatever had made his daughter upset. A raised eyebrow and a questioning look from Steve had him amending his statement. “I’m not mad at you, okay? I’m not… I’m just mad at whatever made my little girl so sad.”
Steve stirred the milk chocolate concoction making sure that it did not stick or skin before he added just a dash of real vanilla essence then turned the heat up just a fraction further knowing it was almost done but it just needed to be a little warmer. “Okay.” Somehow Danny’s words filled him with a sense of dread as he felt like Grace wanting to speak to him maybe meant it had to do with him, and if he was the reason that she was upset then it would make him hate himself. He would openly let Danny have a free shot to hit him if that were the case too. “We will figure this out D.”
Danny sighed softly and tipped his head back so that he was looking up at the ceiling before he tipped his head forward again and then ran his fingers through his hair pushing it back. “She’s my little girl Steve, and yes I know she is growing up, but…” He trailed off realising his tone was a bit snappier than it should have been given the way Steve had dropped everything and was standing making his daughter hot chocolate.
“But you want to protect her, I understand that, she does too.” Steve finished for Danny just as he reached out and turned the burner off then lifted the saucepan off of the stove and carefully poured the hot liquid into the awaiting mug before he put the saucepan in the sink and ran some cold water into it making it hiss. He quickly moved to pour the coffee into two mugs, adding a spoonful of butter into his and more than a splash of milk into Danny’s, then handed Danny his mug. “Come on, lets go check on her.” He gathered up his own mug and grabbed the one for Gracie before he headed out of the kitchen.
Grace registered Steve coming out of the kitchen with her Dad only a few large steps behind him and she averted her eyes down to the floor in an effort not to blurt out what was going on in her brain although it did not seem to be helping with the resisting.
“Here sweetheart, one hot chocolate. It will be hot so be careful.” Steve smiled as he pressed the mug into her awaiting hands watching as she wrapped her hands around it like it was a lifeline and cradled it to her chest in between small sips.
“Thanks Uncle Steve. It’s perfect.” Grace whispered in between her first and second sip as the hot chocolate was amazing, perfectly creamy yet not overly sweet but still with a strong chocolate taste.
Danny sat himself down in the recliner and angled his body so that he was facing Grace and Steve who had taken the other end of the couch still giving Grace the space that she required. Whatever was bothering her had taken its toll as she looked exhausted and pale even with the red rimmed eyes and splotchy cheeks. There were so many things going through his head, so many anxiety inducing thoughts, but the main one going through his head was why had she not said anything as they spoke every day, why did she want Steve and not him, and why was she so sad. Nothing made sense yet here he found himself in the middle of the day with Grace curled up in the corner of the couch at Steve’s house when she should have been at school learning and enjoying herself.
Steve looked at Danny sensing that he was getting wrapped up in a whole lot of unproductive thoughts that would cause his anxiety to spike as it did when his children were involved. There was a simmering tension underlying, and he wanted it gone for all of their sakes. He turned his attention towards Grace seeing that she was at least half way through her hot chocolate and he hoped that meant she was ready to talk. “Do you want to tell us what is going on sweetheart?” He asked softly not wanting her to feel forced in any way as he knew what it was like to feel forced to talk and he did not like it either.
Grace shook her head feeling as her bottom lip began quivering and her eyes filled with more tears although she would have thought that she would have cried them all out but apparently not. She was mad at herself for crying and being emotional but she really could not help it. And she knew that she had to talk, had to ask but she couldn’t bring herself to in the moment.
“It’s okay Grace, we have time.” Steve assured her feeling way out of his depth before he looked at Danny knowing that one of them needed to pick up Charlie as it was Danny’s day to do so however Grace was the priority right now as they needed to figure out what had left her so upset that she was sent home from school. Not that Charlie was not a priority but they had a bit more time before they had to collect him from school.
Grace pursed her lips and looked at Steve finding herself wanting to cry even more and she could not help the soft sob that tore loose from her lips as she ducked her head.
“Monkey, hey, hey, what’s going on?” Danny was alarmed as Grace really was not a crier and within seconds he was out of the recliner, had his mug resting on the coffee table and was knelt down in front of her ignoring the way his knee protested. The only response he got was another soft sob and a quick look at Steve told him that they were both lost. He reached out and gently pried the almost empty mug of hot chocolate out of her hands and deposited it on the table next to his own mug before he reached his hands out and placed them on her knees. “Monkey, hey, what’s going on huh? What has got you all upset?”
Grace’s eyes darted to Steve and another sob tore loose as tears freely streamed down her face.
Steve was alarmed because it seemed to be that Grace looked at him and only cried harder. “Gracie, sweetheart.” He frowned and his voice only sounded confused.
“MrChamberssaidthatthoseinthemilitarysufferfromPTSDandthenlistedallofthepotentialthingsthatcouldhappenandthenIstartedgooglingbecauseIwasworried.” Grace rushed out although she knew she was hard to understand because of how fast she had talked and just how much she was crying.
Danny looked at Steve who was suddenly far to pale for his liking and he hazarded a guess that like him, Steve had only managed to pick out a few words in the jumble like ‘PTSD’, ‘could happen’ and ‘googling’. He shifted one of his hands from Grace’s knee to Steve’s worried that Steve was going to react poorly given how he usually reacted when things like PTSD were bought up. “Monkey, I need you take a deep breath and then I need you to repeat that slowly with actual gaps in between the words for us.”
Steve felt like someone had just taken a steel bat to his stomach repeatedly because he had been the one to cause Grace’s upset, and Grace certainly did not need to worry about him. Yeah, it looked like he would be letting Danny hit him with that wicked right hook of his, and if is jaw began to ache immediately it was no one’s fault but his own.
Grace inhaled and exhaled deeply then rubbed her hand over her face as her eyes were stinging from the constant crying that she seemed to be doing since the metaphorical dam broke after her teacher’s gentle questioning. “Mr Chambers said that those in the military suffer from PTSD and then listed all of the potential things that could happen and then I started googling because I was worried.” She repeated fighting to keep her voice steady and not stumble over the words.
There was a lot to unpack in that one sentence but Danny wanted to make sure he had a few things correct before he began to unpack too much of it as he glanced at Steve who looked increasingly pale and shaky even though he was as stiff and tense as Danny had ever seen him. “Mr Chambers is who exactly?” Danny had rattled through his brain for a Mr Chambers but he was coming up empty as he thought he knew every one of Grace and Charlie’s regular teachers.
“Mr Chambers is a substitute teacher we have for health at the moment.” Grace answered quietly.
“Okay… and how did the topic of the military and PTSD come up?” Danny asked because clearly this Mr Chambers had absolutely no idea about any of it and instead was clutching at straws and inadvertently misinforming young, vulnerable and impressionable minds.
Grace spared a glance out of the corner of her eye at Steve seeing him holding deathly still but she knew he was listening intently before she focused all of her attention back on her Dad kneeling down in front of her. “We are studying mental health and he bought it up even though we were focusing on depression and anxiety, or at least that was what we were supposed to be studying.” She admitted knowing that the course guide that her usual teacher had prepared had them studying depression and anxiety but the substitute teacher had gone off script.
Steve was doing his absolutely best to remain calm but it felt like he was caught up in a spiral, one that he could not escape, and one that was closing in on him all too fast. PTSD had been increasingly banded around in the past several years, or rather the term had become more prominent. The fact that it had made Grace so upset, so worried, made him hate it even more not because it was not real but because he knew how much misinformation there was out there in the public realm. It did not help that there were television shows and movies that either trivialised or dramatized it to the point of being unrealistic. He knew that he could not sit by and remain silent nor could he let Grace worry about things like this as she did not be worrying about him. “Gracie, sweetheart.” He had to clear his throat as his voice was a little croaky sounding before he moved closer deciding to sit on the coffee table just behind Danny as the last thing he wanted to do was freak her out given what she had probably read. It was the first time in a very long time that he felt out of his depth and worried about how she would feel about him. “What exactly did you google?” He asked as every other question that came to mind seemed to be unable to be voiced as he swallowed thickly.
Danny heard the croak in Steve’s voice and he leant back until he was rested against Steve’s legs which helped to take some of the pressure off of his aching knee while being able to continue to keep a hand on Grace. It was heart-breaking to see how Steve held himself back, how he distanced himself, and Danny did not need a PHD to figure out that Steve was worried that Grace would be scared of him now that she had googled what PTSD was and probably followed several different links which would have caught her attention. Oh boy, was the school in for one hell of a lecture because he was not going to let this go especially not when a substitute teacher was scaring children who lived on an island with a military base and a large number of military personnel both active and retired.
Grace looked up at Steve and pointedly blinked a couple of times before she looked around the room until she was back looking at her hands. “Well I started with PTSD, and then I started reading articles about veterans, and then it delved into what Navy Seals are forced to endure, and there were news articles about things that happened in the Navy and about what people with PTSD have done.” She rushed out the words then hiccupped wondering why she had not let things go like she should have because the things that she had read simply did not seem like anything that her Uncle Steve would do.
Steve tipped his head forward so that his chin was almost resting on his chest as another round of questions came to him, ones that he did not necessarily want the answers too, but he knew he had no choice. The thing was that the media used headlines as clickbait and did not always portray the facts, and then there were all the articles which were not always backed by science or people who actually had any experience and instead chose to fear monger and incite.
“Steve, babe, you okay?” Danny quietly murmured allowing a bit more of his own weight to rest back against Steve’s legs. Of course he was not okay, none of them were, but he could not just sit silently and wait him out.
Steve exhaled heavily and took the opportunity to steel himself while he found the words he needed and his voice. He lifted his head and looked at Grace. “Are you worried I have PTSD Grace?” That was the first thing he needed to establish although the thought of Grace worrying about him was one he did not want her to have to know. “It’s okay if you do but I have to ask because I want us to be open to talk honestly about what you have read and seen so that we can clear a few things up.”
Grace shrugged her shoulders softly wishing she had not started this conversation. “It’s just scary.” She mumbled softly although she knew it was audible.
“What is scary about it to you monkey?” Danny was asking why it was scary to Grace specifically hoping that it would help Steve have the conversation that was clearly needed.
“It’s okay Grace.” Steve reassured her as he went to reach his hand out but stopped and instead let it fall to rest on Danny’s shoulder.
“It’s just not fair.” Grace did not elaborate although she was aware of how childish she sounded however she certainly had not meant for it to sound like that. But it really was not fair that people who served their country were inflicted with wounds – visible or invisible. And she was not naïve enough to realise that it was not only military personnel that suffered from PTSD which meant her Danno, Uncle Steve, and almost all of the rest of their Ohana could be diagnosed with it and have to battle it. It simply was not fair.
“You’re right Grace, it isn’t fair.” Steve agreed as he had seen what happened to those that did not get help, and those that did although for some that did it was too late. “There is a lot I could say to you, hell I could repeat the whole SEAL Ethos to you but it does not mean anything in regards to what we are talking about here.” He paused knowing he was getting side tracked. “Sacrifice is something we are familiar with, sure, did we realise the mental toll that it would take, no. The fact is that we all pay a price for the service we give, and yes that price is at times all too high.” It was something that he had to face and acknowledge a long time ago. “But let’s talk about what you read sweetheart.” He shook his head as if to dispel the thoughts floating around although he knew it would be no use.
Danny frowned at Steve’s words, not because of how deep they were for him, but because they were said in such a normal everyday tone as if they were not heavy even though they were. However the words also resonated with Danny as he realised what was probably causing Grace to worry even more because there was a high rate of PTSD in police forces around the world. He should have seen it coming but he did not, and it stole his breath.
Grace uncurled herself just a little bit although she made no attempt to move out of the corner of the couch. “I read a lot about symptoms of it in the beginning, and about how it can cause the brain structure and function to change depending on how old a person is when they go through the trauma.”
“And what were the symptoms that you read about?” Steve asked knowing Grace would have been quite in-depth in her reading.
Grace looked up at him, her eyes meeting his, and she had never quite seen them with fear inside. “Oh… umm… uhhh… well… one of the articles that I read said that PTSD was characterised by specific symptoms. They were intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, hyperarousal, nightmares and sleep disturbances, startle responses and changes in concentration and memory.” She hesitated for a few seconds before she decided to list them off as she had memorised them as they had come up over and over again in her research. “Another article mentioned that veterans with PTSD were more likely to be reckless and have problems with drugs and alcohol.”
Steve shuddered and his chest tightened which made him raise his hand to it absentmindedly and begin kneading the area over his breast bone lightly.
Danny closed his eyelids as soon as Grace had finished listing the symptoms of PTSD while silently trying to work out how he could end the conversation before it went any further although he knew that it would not stop Grace from worrying if he did. He had heard the sharp intake of breath from behind him and could only imagine what Steve was thinking and feeling. He forced himself to open his eyelids and look at Grace seeing she was wide eyed and more silent tears were falling and slipping down her cheeks.
“Can I come closer Gracie? Can I sit on the floor next to Danno?” Steve asked after a minute or so as he had taken the time to figure out what he should say that would not freak Grace out or make Danny yell at him whilst still being as true to her and himself as he could be.
Grace nodded quickly not quite understanding why he was asking permission before she swiped at her cheeks as the drying tear tracks were making her skin itch even though there were new ones still falling.
Steve lowered himself down to the hardwood floor gently and slowly and he did not miss how Danny leaned into him so that they were pressed together shoulder to shoulder which he was grateful for. “The truth is…” He started than paused as he was sure he was going to mess it up and he did not want to do that. “Those symptoms that you just listed Grace, you are right about them being symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and I can identify with a few of them from time to time, not all the time, but sometimes however I also believe that anyone who goes through something traumatic could identify with one or some of them. One of the symptoms though that you listed, the hyperarousal, is something that is trained into Seals, into most active military personnel actually, because we have to be alert to our surroundings as it can be the difference between life and death sometimes.” He had to stop, take a few breaths, and re-order his thoughts. “It really is not a secret that sometimes I do have nightmares or have trouble sleeping at all, and I do have touches of hyperarousal from time to time especially when we are working because I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”
Grace nodded her head and pursed her lips as she mulled over what Steve had told her as she realised how painful it was to speak about for him.
“There are things that haunt me, things that everyone has that haunt them Gracie but I want you to know that I have people like Danno and Lou and the rest of our Ohana who help me everyday just by being present, and I know that if I need to talk then they will listen, or that if I just need to sit in silence with them as company then they will sit here with me.” Steve had forced himself to go on as he wanted Grace to be reassured that he was looking after himself. “And I have you and Charlie and Joanie.” He added on because there really was something soothing about being around them.
“Huh…” Grace said with a small smile tugging at her lips.
“What’s that mean?” Steve frowned unsure of the change in Grace and he certainly was not prepared for her to launch forward and wrap her arms around him until she was sitting in his lap hugging him tightly.
Grace giggled even though silent tears were still rolling down her cheeks as she hugged Steve tightly. “I read an article.” She said softly between giggles even though it was not a laughing matter. Maybe she had just lost her mind from the stress or was having some sort of emotional meltdown.
“I think we’ve established that you’ve read a few articles Monkey.” Danny could not help himself although he was just as mystified as Steve looked at the fact that Grace was suddenly giggling even though she was still crying. The thing was Danny was not surprised and once again reminded by just how far Steve would go for either of his kids, and for that he was eternally grateful although he wished that this particular area of topic had been reserved for him and not for Steve but he understood why Grace needed reassurance from the man himself.
Grace leaned back as far as she could without getting out of Steve’s lap or removing her arms from where they were around his neck before she looked at her Danno and then back to him. “Danno…” She drew the word out emphasising that this was not a time for sarcasm or at least she hoped she did without having to say it outright. She caught her Dad’s smile and Uncle Steve’s impatient bewilderment. “I printed off this article about PTSD in U.S Veterans, and the role of social connectedness plays in transitioning and continuing on afterwards. I will give it to you to read.” She explained knowing there was not a lot of detail in what she had said.
“Give us a highlighted version then Gracie.” Steve bounced his legs up making her giggle just like he would do with Joanie although he was still bewildered and slightly confused but he was also relieved that she did not seem to be scared of him. Admittedly, he would have been crushed if she had been scared of him because of what she had read.
“It’s about social connectedness and the impact that has on things like transitioning into a new stage of life and how it can protect a person from things like PTSD.” Grace explained knowing that the article was a lot more in-depth and she knew her Dad would want to read it, and like her he would most likely make the connection that she had. Steve had made a point to be socially connected whether it was a conscious choice or not, and the fact was that people like her Dad had helped in that even though he still complained about how he had been forcibly taken against his will to become Steve’s partner although it was all smoke and mirrors nowadays.
Steve was not sure how exactly it all fitted together but he figured he would figure it out or do some googling of his own. “Is there anything you want to ask kiddo?” He asked cautiously hating that she was still upset but now was the time to talk about it all.
Grace looked guarded for a few seconds before she pursed her lips and the giggles faded almost as abruptly as the question had been asked. “What was your training like?” She bit her bottom lip the moment she had finished asking.
Steve looked at Danny who rather unhelpfully told him he was not sure where this particular question was going to lead all with a single look. He turned his attention back to Grace who seemed to take his short silence as a bad thing if her glassy eyes were anything to go by. “Do you mean BUDS or are you referring to all of the training to become a SEAL?” He asked wanting to make sure they were talking about the same thing.
Grace had read a little bit about what it took to become a SEAL but she had read a lot more about some of the horrors that hopefuls were forced to endure which did not ease her weary mind especially when she read the first hand experiences. It simply was not something she could reconcile with the man in front of her.
Steve took Grace’s silence as meaning that it was left open for him to figure out what she was asking without being told directly. “Okay, well it takes six months to go through all of the training and then there is operational rotations that involves a lot of training too. Those six months are made up of four different areas. They are Naval Special Warfare Preparatory School which takes eight weeks, BUDS otherwise known as Basic Underwater Demolition/ SEAL training which takes twenty four weeks, then there is Parachute Jump school which lasts three weeks, and last but not least is SEAL Qualification Training which is twenty six weeks long and that is the course where you have to complete SERE training in order to graduate.”
“That’s not what I am asking Uncle Steve.” Grace used a tone that was eerily similar to Danny’s that said that he should know exactly what she was asking.
“Grace… I… I’m not sure what it is that you are really asking then.” Steve admitted as she really had not given him a lot to go on.
“There are a lot of first-hand accounts of bad things happening to those in SEAL training.” Grace admitted avoiding looking at him again.
Danny’s hand migrated to the bridge of his own nose as he made a mental note to get someone to show him how to apply every kind of internet filter that there was available to every piece of technology that Grace had. He might have been proud of her for the depth of research that she had apparently undertaken if it had been any other topic but unfortunately he only had a sinking feeling in his stomach the longer this particular conversation went on. He let himself lean a little further into Steve in a move of silent comfort before he let his hand drop away from the bridge of his nose and rest down on Grace’s knee that was closest to him as she was still sitting on Steve with her arms wrapped around his neck.
Steve opened his mouth then closed it again, repeating the action a few times, as his forehead furrowed more and more until it could no more. There were always horror stories and legends that he recalled from his time undergoing SEAL training, and of course there were instances and few casualties because of the toughness of the training. Even though they were having an honest discussion there was a lot that Steve would not tell Grace or Danny for that matter as he really did not want to scare or horrify Grace any more than she already was and he did not need to give Danny any more ammunition to use against him in his rants about how the Navy damaged him. “SEAL training can be tough and it takes its toll but all of that training is for a reason and I can honestly say that it has helped me out a lot of the time. It’s gruelling but it has to be because we have to be the best in order to do what needs to be done.” It was an overview of sorts and did not give a lot away but it had to be this way. Grace looked up at him with those knowing eyes that told him she knew he was skirting around the topic as much as he could albeit unsuccessfully apparently.
“Grace, I think that’s enough for today. Why don’t you give Uncle Steve one more hug and then go and wash your face?” Danny decided to end the conversation where it was at somewhat surprised that Steve had handled it so well but even he could tell that Steve was having a hard time trying to figure out what to say that would not make Grace worry any more. Of course Super SEAL was doing what he did best which was protect those he loved and that did not surprise Danny in the least.
Grace looked angrily at her Dad for a few seconds before it faded into something akin to
tired acceptance. She leaned forward again, tightening her arms around Steve’s neck as she pressed her face into his neck. “I love you Uncle Steve.”
Steve tightened his arms around Grace hugging her back. “I love you too kiddo.” He murmured softly before he kissed the side of her head. He still felt horrible that her emotional turmoil had inadvertently been caused by him. “And if there is anything that you want to ask then come and ask me, okay? Don’t look at the internet first. Okay?” As much as it made him uncomfortable, he would rather Grace heard it from him then read it on the internet which often went without the proper context or was filled with speculation or bitter resentment from those who did not make it through training. And if he did not know the answer then he would find some credible sources so he could answer them.
“Okay Uncle Steve.” Grace responded although her voice was muffled as she was still holding him tightly with her face pressed into his neck.
Steve relished in Grace’s hug. “What do you say to you, me and Danno going to pick up Charlie early from school? We could go get some shaved ice then come back here and play in the water.” It only seemed fair that Charlie got to finish school early for the day too even though it would be an hour and a half less than Grace.
Grace slowly unwrapped her arms from around Steve’s neck and leaned back. A quick look at Danno told her that he was happy with the suggestion. “What about work?” She asked knowing they were supposed to be at work.
Danny smiled even though usually he would yell loudly about the control freak that Steve was and remind him that he could not make decisions like whether to get Charlie out of school early or not but this was not the time and any extra time spent with his kids was also a pleasure. “I think we deserve a few extra hours off.”
“Okay.” Grace smiled widely. “I’m just going to wash my face and get changed.” She had learned a long time ago to keep spare clothes including a swimsuit at Uncle Steve’s house, and she wanted out of her uniform. She pushed herself up carefully making sure that she did not stand on either of them.
Danny waited until Grace was up the stairs and enclosed in the bathroom before he turned his body into Steve’s feeling that he was still rigid and there was a tension still thrumming through him. “How are you doing babe?” He asked quietly pointedly keeping his voice low.
Steve shuddered softly before his breath hitched as he slowly turned to look at Danny although he did not meet his eyes. “I’m sorry.” The apology was breathy sounding and he tensed for the impact fully expecting Danny to hit him for causing Grace such distress.
“What are you apologising for, huh, babe?” Danny had not been prepared for the sound of Steve’s voice or the way he was bracing for an impact. “You sat and talked to Grace about what she had read and researched, you told her what she needed to hear and more importantly you made sure Grace was taken care of.” And for that he had the upmost respect and love for the man in front of him.
“But I caused her distress and I didn’t want to do that, I never want to do that.” Steve sighed softly.
“No, you didn’t, that damned substitute spoke out of turn, clearly without understanding all of the facts and with a distinct lack of respect. She will probably have more questions but I will try and cut them off at the pass.” Danny was quick to assure him realising that Steve was blaming himself like the goof that he was whilst still making sure that he knew that Grace would most likely have some follow up questions because he knew his daughter and he knew she would still be thinking about things. “You did good babe, really good.”
Steve shook his head seriously doubting himself and Danny’s words. “I’m still sorry.”
The sound of Grace’s footsteps coming down the stairs made both men turn to look at her seeing she had a sundress over her bikini and she had washed her face clearing it of the tear tracks although her eyes were still red rimmed.
“Ready to go monkey?” Danny smiled seeing that Steve was already scrambling to his feet then holding his hands out to help him up. He placed his hands in Steve’s and felt himself be hauled up. “Thanks.”
“Are you?” Grace asked softly, her voice still thick with emotion. She felt better, relieved, but she still had some things to work through however she was at her limit for the day and she suspected Uncle Steve was too especially considering she had accidentally blindsided him.
“Yeah kiddo, we are.” Steve answered for the both of them as he held his arms out for her.
Grace stepped into the awaiting arms of her Uncle Steve giving him another quick hug before she stepped back wanting to spend the rest of the day with Charlie, Danno and Uncle Steve. “Think we can just come back here, take a rain check on the shaved ice for today?” She asked quietly as she had considered it when she had been upstairs sorting herself out as she really did not want to be around other people.
Steve was kind of grateful for Grace’s suggestion as truthfully he felt a little too fragile to be out in public after the conversation that they had had but he would have done it for Gracie and for Charlie. “Sure kiddo, I have ice cream in the freezer so we can make sundaes instead.” Sometimes it caught him off guard just how much he had adapted, and how much it became common practise to keep a stock of all of the Williams’ favourites, but they were Ohana.
Danny stood back and watched the scene unfold in front of him and it did not surprise him just how adept Steve (and Grace) had become at knowing what those he loved needed although it had been a slow and steady learning process. Steve had never needed help with Grace, and Danny knew that Steve loved Grace as if she was his own and for that he was eternally grateful. And Grace loved Steve just as much as she loved him. The overgrown man child had come a very long way from the man that stood with his weapon drawn in an elevator and told a kid that it was okay because they were cops.
“Come on you two, let’s go and pick up Charlie.” Danny smiled as he gave them both a little push to get them moving out of the door knowing that they would probably end up staying the night but as far as he was concerned both Grace and Steve needed it.