Archive of Our Own ^beta

The moment when you think you think it

JJ can’t remember a time when he isn’t vastly aware of the social standings of the Outer Banks.

Even more so, he can’t remember a time when he doesn’t know where he falls in said social standings.

“You’re a Pogue, son. Don’t mean nothing, neither of us do,” his dad would tell him. “Not here in the OBX.”

And at four years old, when his dad is his whole world because he’s too young to know anything otherwise, to recognize how fucked up Luke Maybank truly is, JJ believes him. And he falls into his role blindly and easily.

Pogues versus Kooks. It’s black and white, always has been. That’s his life, and it’s not perfect by any means, but it’s his and it’s what he’s dealt so what’s the point in messing with the hands of fate?

And sure, he’s at the bottom of the food chain, maybe even amongst the others from the Cut just for being born a Maybank. And sure, maybe that bothers him a little bit, that people immediately write him off. But it also meant no expectations. Nothing to live up to.

He steals for the first time when he’s six. Not because he wants to, but because his dad was supposed to go out for groceries but hasn’t been home for almost two days and there isn’t anything in the house besides cheap beer and molding bread and JJ’s six. So he wanders into Kildare, hoping someway, somehow, he’ll find his dad, and he’ll apologize and tell JJ that he just got a little lost but he’s coming home now.

Of course, that isn’t what happens.

Because he catches the faint but distinct smell of french fries and fried fish and it’s been days since he’s had a proper meal and he can practically feel his mouth start to water and JJ is six years old. How is he expected to think of anything else?

So he lets his nose guide him and before long he finds himself crouched in a bush looking up at a restaurant crowded with people. JJ knows he’s not the best at reading (his teacher, Ms. Nichols, is trying to encourage his dad to get him some extra help or let her work with him one-on-one after school, but every time Luke Maybank only responds with, “If my son can’t keep up with the rest of the class, that’s his own damn problem.”) but he’s been practicing his ABC’s and he’s almost positive he can spot a ‘W’ on the sign on the building and honestly, he’s pretty proud of himself for that.

He stays in the bush for a couple minutes, watching happy couples and happy families seated on the porch of the restaurant.

He sees a man grab a woman’s hand and kiss it before letting it drop again, and the gesture kind of grosses JJ out but he also can’t help but wonder if his parents ever did that, before him, before he “fucked everything up,” as his dad tells him.

He sees a girl accidentally spill orange juice down her dress and watches as her father laughs before gently dabbing at the stain with his napkin and he can’t help but grimace as he thinks about what his dad would do if JJ were to spill orange juice on himself.

He sees a little boy, belly full and eyes tired, crawl into his mother’s lap and melt against her as she wraps her arms protectively around him, and he tries to imagine his own mother doing the same to him but the only thing that comes to mind is a faceless blur.

But then he hears the distinct sound of chairs scraping against the floor just to the right of him, and his attention shifts as he watches a group of people get up to leave, the table they were sitting at still littered with half eaten meals and JJ’s mouth starts watering.

He watches for a moment as they walk away, making sure none of them turn back for anything, and then he makes his move, crawling in between the guardrails and onto the deck before standing upright again. He only hesitates for a second before he’s grabbing a french fry off a plate, and it’s cold and a bit hard from sitting out for so long but it may just be the best fry he’s ever had.

JJ’s so caught up in the taste, in finally having some food in his stomach, it takes him a moment to clock the two men seated at the table across from him staring, their unforgiving eyes filled to the brim with disgust. He swallows the heap of fries he had shoved in his mouth and just stares back at them, unsure of what to do.

Eventually one of them scoffs, shakes his head, and looks back toward his friend. “The fucking Cut, dude. Teaching them to steal so young.”

The other man rolls his eyes in agreement. “Pretty sure that’s the Maybank boy, too. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree it seems.”

And yes, JJ is only six years old, and he doesn’t really know what that means, but he does know where he’s not wanted. Because a person learns stuff like that pretty quick when their entire life has been nothing but abandonment, resentment and regret. So he stuffs his pockets with the remaining fries and snatches a half-eaten burger off the table and then disappears back under the guardrails and makes his way home.

Pogues versus Kooks. Just about as black and white as they come.

Or so he thinks.

But just one month later he’s sitting at his desk in the back of his classroom fiddling with a rubber band he had swiped off Ms. Nichols’ desk when the principal walks in with a little girl in tow. She has wild, wavy brown hair, big yet guarded brown eyes, and JJ’s immediate attention.

“Class, this is Kiara. She’ll be joining us for the rest of the school year,” Ms. Nichols announces.

She tells Kiara she can sit at the empty desk in the front of the classroom, and Kiara complies without uttering a single word.

JJ spends the rest of class studying her. He’s never seen her before, and he knows of every kid the Cut. She must have just moved to the Outer Banks. But she’s dressed in what looks to be clean clothes with no traces of wear, shoes that have yet to lose their shine. She doesn’t look like a Pogue. And that puts him on high alert.

It’s lunchtime when he finally gets some answers.

He finds her in the cafeteria, sitting alone at the far table drinking a Capri Sun and eating a sandwich and carrots and goldfish out of a fancy lunchbox. JJ glances down at his own lunch – a single slice of leftover pizza he was able to snatch from the counter and wrap in a piece of tin foil without his dad noticing that morning.

“JJ, c’mon!” he hears John B call from their usual spot, where he and Pope sat waiting for him. He gives his friend a small wave before holding up a finger as if to say “one sec” and then before he knows what he’s doing he’s marching toward Kiara.

He doesn’t mean to be as aggressive as he is, slapping his foil wrapped pizza right in front of her on the table before climbing onto the bench seat, but he’s just so curious about her and excited to talk to her and he can’t help himself. He realizes his mistake when their eyes make contact, his wide with questions and hers narrowed and even more guarded than when she walked into their classroom that day.

He swallows and slumps his shoulders a bit. “’m sorry. Hi. I’m JJ.”

Her mouth twists, like she’s contemplating whether or not she wants to talk to him and JJ is more than prepared for her to get up and leave with zero interest in anything he has to say. But instead, she sets her mouth in a straight line once more, folding her hands on the table.

JJ cocks his head, taking that as an ‘okay’ to continue. “Did you just move here?”

“No.”

“So you’re from here?”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t I know you?”

“I don’t know.”

JJ frowns at her short answers, and she must take pity on him because finally she gives him something he can work with.

“I went to Kildare Academy.”

“You’re a Kook?” He can’t help it, the way his eyes widen, the words coming out much harsher than he intends.

What’s a Kook doing at a school like his?

Kiara clenches her teeth and glares at him, eyes so dark they almost look black. “I am not a Kook!”

And she says it with such conviction and so much resentment for such a little girl, JJ finds himself unable to do anything except believe her.

“What are you then?” he asks, because this is new territory for him. She isn’t a Kook, and she definitely isn’t from the Cut. And that’s all there is in the Outer Banks. Pogues versus Kooks. Black and white. He doesn’t know where else that leaves her.

It seems she doesn’t quite know either, because she drops her icy glare, eyes focusing in on the flimsy corner of her Capri Sun she’s been absentmindedly playing with as she thinks.

“I’m…Kiara,” she finally says.

And JJ’s still confused – doesn’t quite understand how she’s not a Kook or Pogue, but her answer makes him smile nonetheless.

“Do ya wanna eat lunch with me and my friends?”

His leg shakes in anticipation, waiting for her answer as he stares at her again. And she still has wild curly brown hair and her eyes are still big and brown, but maybe, just maybe they aren’t quite as guarded as before.

She nods. “Yeah.”

JJ just about springs up from the table. “Great! Let’s go, Kie!”

“It’s Kiara,” she corrects him, stuffing her food back into her fancy lunchbox before getting up from the table.

“I know, but if we’re gonna be friends then we need to have cool nicknames for each other,” he tells her, like it’s obvious.

And finally, she smiles at him. A small one, but it’s still a smile and it makes the tips of JJ’s ears feel hot.

“Okay, then you’re…Jayj.”

“Jayj,” he repeats back to her, trying the new name out on his tongue. “I like it.”

And he did. He very much did.

JJ learns a lot that day.

He learns that Kiara does come from a Kook family and lives on Figure Eight. He learns that her parents own a restaurant called The Wreck (and he’s pretty sure it’s the same one he stole from, but he’s just gonna keep that one to himself). And he learns that the reason she changed schools is because she hit Prescott Montgomery (JJ can’t help but snort at his name because god, he’s never heard a more Kook name), a boy who had been picking on her and his family complained to the school board, and to avoid causing a huge controversy Kie’s parents decided to pull her out of the Kook Academy entirely.

But he also learns that her dad hasn’t always been a Kook. That he was born a Pogue. Grew up on the Cut not far from where JJ lives. And he learns that yes, Kie does come from a Kook family and lives on Figure Eight, but she hates the Kook Academy and she hates her (former) classmates there even more.

And these two small details absolutely obliterate JJ’s entire understanding of the world.

Because it’s always been Pogues versus Kooks. Black and white. Ever since he can remember. But here is Kiara Carrera, a girl born into wealth, denouncing the Kooks loud and proud with a father who was born just like JJ.

A foot in both worlds.

She teaches him that day that the world is a lot less black and white and a whole lot grayer than he could ever imagine.

And for the first time, it makes him feel hopeful. Like maybe he isn’t doomed to follow the exact same path as his dad. Like maybe he can be different. Better.

So if he looks at Kiara Carrera like she hung the moon and the stars that day, well, to him, maybe she did.

The moment when you think you know it

He hears her approach before she even has a chance to say anything. Because of course he does. The cadence of her walk, the way she digs her feet ever so slightly into the beach before her next step because she loves the feeling of the warm sand running through her toes.

He’s had almost ten years to memorize every little thing about Kiara Carrera. He damn well made sure he didn’t waste it.

Only problem now? He can’t forget it.

“Hi,” she says, voice barely above a whisper. She sounds nervous.

Good, he thinks, refusing to let himself feel anything other than indifference toward this girl he once considered to be his best friend.

He knows she’s had a rough few months. Her parents forcing her back to the Kook Academy after that prick Prescott Montgomery moved away, and then going from the highest of highs, becoming Sarah Cameron’s new best friend, to the lowest of lows after she denounced and humiliated her.

(John B and Pope filled him in earlier that day. After she had shown up to the Chateau for the first time in almost eight months deciding that they were suddenly worth her time again.

After JJ decided not to stick around for her apologies and excuses. Because like he said. He knows Kiara Carrera, and he knows himself. And he knows that one look into those big brown eyes and he’d be absolute putty in her hands.

And she doesn’t get that from him. Not anymore.

She left.)

“Sup?” he says, keeping his eyes firm on what’s in front of him. The ocean, crashing softly along the shore. The last bit of sun just peeking out over the horizon.

“Can I sit?”

JJ’s heart lurches, yearning for a time when she didn’t have to ask, she would just do. A time when she would drop down lazily beside him with a couple beers and maybe a joint to share, her bare shoulder grazing his as he tries to convince himself the goosebumps left in the wake of her touch are a product of the crisp ocean breeze. A time that he remembers so clearly, yet seems like another lifetime.

JJ shrugs in what he hopes looks apathetic because he feels anything but. “You can do whatever you want, Kiara. Can’t stop you.”

She hesitates but ultimately sits, her shoulders tense and definitely not grazing his and the air is cool and crisp and JJ tries not think about the lack of goosebumps erupting over his side.

She does have a couple beers with her though, and she holds one out to him silently, but JJ knows what the gesture means if he takes it. What it means if he doesn’t.

Your move, Maybank.

Despite what the entirety of Kildare thinks, that any person with the last name Maybank can’t turn down a beer, JJ has every intention of doing so.

So he’s not sure what makes him take it. He’s still not looking at her, can only see her out of his peripheral, but he can feel the nervous energy radiating off her. And JJ is fucking pissed at her, yeah. She left the Pogues. She left her best friends. She left him. But more so, he’s fucking pissed at himself, because he should have seen it coming. He knows where he comes from, knows the hand he’s been dealt, and it’s not the kind that someone sticks around for. Not voluntarily. Not someone like Kiara Carrera who can have anything she wants at the drop of a hat.

But he let her in anyway. And that’s on him.

And it’s on him that even now, even after their friendship gave him nothing but false hope and heartbreak, he still can’t quite let her go.

He grabs the beer bottle from her outstretched hand, careful to not let their fingers touch.

They sit in silence for a long while, sipping occasionally on their respective beers and JJ is once again reminded of the stark contrast between now and before. Kiara used to be one of the few people he felt comfortable sitting in silence with. A person he never felt like he had to be on for all the time, who understood without saying that he doesn’t always want to be the loose canon of the Pogues, the guy with the sarcastic quips and wild ideas. That sometimes he simply just wants to be.

But that’s not what this is anymore, not what they are. JJ can’t keep himself still, the space between them uncomfortable and tense and JJ has never done well with that combination.

He quickly downs the rest of his beer before standing, the sudden movement startling Kiara.

“Thanks for the beer,” he says cooly, and then turns to make his way back to the Chateau where John B and Pope are most certainly still having a field day at the thought of Kiara coming back to them.

“JJ,” she calls after him. And when he doesn’t respond, “Jayj, please.”

He falters, at the nickname or the desperation laced in her voice he doesn’t quite know. He turns back around to see her scrambling to her feet, but she doesn’t come any closer. Just stands there, hair blowing ever so slightly in the gentle breeze, brows pulled together and tinged with sadness, lips slightly downturned, eyes big and brown and apologetic. Seeing her like that, with so much regret she’s unable to hide it, it’s the first time JJ truly wonders how bad things got for her on Figure Eight. The first time he truly wonders why she’d ever want to come crawling back.

And for some reason, that’s the last straw.

JJ scoffs, clenches his jaw, and shakes his head. “Why are you here, Kiara? What do you want?”

He can tell she’s taken aback – he doesn’t think he’s ever spoken to her like that before. With so much venom, so much hurt cataloged throughout his usually lighthearted voice.

“I-After I heard about Big John,” she stuttered. “I had to make sure John B was okay. I had to make sure y-”

He laughs humorlessly, cutting her off, and not for the first time a pang of jealousy gallops through his chest at the mention of his best friend. It’s always John B.

“Right, John B, of course. Of course John B! Well guess what, Kiara? He’s doing just fine without you.” Lie. “We’re all doing just fine without you!” Lie. “So congrats, you can clear that guilty conscience of yours and sleep well tonight on Figure Eight knowing that those loser Pogues you used to hang out with once upon a time don’t need you.”

Lie.

“JJ you’re not-that’s not what this is!”

And he knows that. Deep down, he knows that what they had – what they all had with Kiara, was real. That their lives were far too entwined for far too long for it to be anything but real.

But she left.

“Why did you leave?” the question leaves his mouth, broken and angry, before he even realizes what he’s saying. But it’s the only thing he’s been able to think about for eight months and he has to ask her. He has to.

“It-it wasn’t like I planned it. I just-I owed it to my parents to give the Kook Academy another chance. They’re my parents, Jayj, y’know?”

And JJ doesn’t know, not fully. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have parents that love him, to want the absolute best for him. But he does know that he’s spent almost every day of his life being hated by his own father, and yet no matter what Luke does to him, how badly he beats him, how much he takes from him, he craves the rare moments in between, when he tells him that “you’re a good boy, son” and pats him roughly on the cheek.

It’s fucked up. He knows.

He can’t help it.

“And then, I don’t know. I got caught up in the whirlwind of everything and forgot to look back. Suddenly Sarah Cameron was asking me to hang out and I was being invited to new places and there were boys who were looking at me like I was an actual girl for once, someone they could see themselves wanting,” she pauses, her eyes burning into his, and takes a deep breath before exhaling. “And then when I finally did look back at you it was like you weren’t even surprised. Like you didn’t even care.”

JJ sniffs, trying to keep his voice as level as possible. “’Cause I wans’t. Surprised.”

He has to look away from her then, unable to handle the way her shoulders slump in defeat.

“How can you say that?” and her actual question goes unsaid, but JJ hears it loud and clear.

Do you really think that little of me?

He scoffs, his lips twisting into a wry, self-deprecating smile. “It’s nothin’ personal, Kiara. Everyone leaves eventually, is all.”

There’s another long, uncomfortable pause, and then she takes one, two, three steps toward him. They aren’t quite face to face, but it’s the closest he’s been to her in months and he has to stop himself from getting lost in her all too familiar coconut scented shampoo.

“You’re right,” she says simply, and it immediately pulls JJ’s attention back in. “I fucked up. I left. But I’m back now. And I promise you JJ, I’m not leaving again.”

He wants to believe her. He does. But he doesn’t know how he can trust anything other than his past. Because people leaving? That’s been his entire life. His mom left him without a second thought. His dad has never been there, not really, and when he is it’s in all the wrong ways. Kiara left. Even Big John, the only true father figure he’s come close to having is gone, lost at sea.

So he just shrugs at her carelessly, even though the ache in his chest is telling him the opposite, that he cares too much. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

And she doesn’t have anything to say to that, so he spins on his heel and makes his way back to the Chateau.

He gets back to the Chateau just in time to catch John B heading off to bed, who informs him that Pope stole the spare room because “that’s what JJ gets for storming off like a child.”

John B turns to go to his room, but then JJ says, “How can you forgive her? Just like that?”

He gives JJ a pointed look. “It’s Kie, Jay. She’s a Pogue, it’s what we do. And it’s not like she’s the first of us to make a mistake. And I think it’s safe to say she won’t be the last.”

Then his friend walks over to him and clasps his shoulders. “And dude. She came back. To us.”

“I promise you JJ, I’m not leaving again.”

Her words from earlier race through his mind at John B’s familiar words. If the circumstances were different, JJ probably would make a joke, ask John B if he and Kiara teamed up in an effort to convince him to forgive her.

But he knows they didn’t, obviously, and it makes him think. Because John B has been through hell lately – one of his best friends ditching him at such a horrible time in his life, the rumors that his lost father died at sea. And yet, he still finds it in his heart to forgive her.

So why can’t JJ?

He doesn’t expect to see her again. Not that night, at least.

But one moment he’s asleep on the pullout and the next he’s hearing soft rustles and quiet curses to his side, forcing him awake.

He opens his eyes, half surprised but fully mesmerized as he watches Kiara try to discreetly pull a throw blanket from where it’s stuck between the pullout mattress and the arm rest of the couch. He lets his eyes adjust to the dark of the night and then watches her for a moment, because he hasn’t allowed himself to look at her, really look at her, since she’s come back.

She’s always been tall, even when they were little kids, but the oversized sweatshirt that’s engulfing her entire frame makes her look smaller than usual, yet at the same time perfectly accentuate her long legs, tan from the sun and toned from surfing. JJ forces himself to look away, his eyes trailing up her body until he’s focused on her face. He sees her hair, her natural waves as wild and messy as the day they met cascading over her face as she’s leaning down over the pullout. He holds back a smile when he sees her tongue sticking ever so slightly out to the right side of her mouth, what she’s always done when she’s trying to concentrate on something real hard.

JJ thinks back to earlier that night, when she mentioned the Kook boys who would be interested in her, and it surprises JJ when he feels a small pang of sadness shoot through him.

Because Kiara Carrera, for as long as he’s known her, has always been beautiful.

“What’re you doin’?” he finally asks, sleep still very much present in his voice.

She jumps, and JJ’d be lying if he said that didn’t give him some satisfaction.

“Fuck! Jesus, JJ! I thought you were asleep.”

“I was. You woke me up.” He turns on his side so that he’s fully facing her, propping his head up on his elbow. He fingers anxiously at his rings on his hand.

Her eyes flit down to his hand, so brief he thinks he may have imagined it. “Sorry. I was trying to be quiet.”

He blinks at her a few times. “What’re you doing?” he asks again.

“Grabbing a blanket. I was going to go sleep on the hammock.”

JJ raises his eyebrows. “You crazy? It’s freezing outside.”

“Yeah, well,” she rolls her eyes. “Where else am I supposed to go?”

“Home, maybe,” JJ retorts without thinking.

Kiara flinches, and for the first time that night, JJ feels guilt creep up his chest as John B and Kiara’s voices echo in his mind, the gravity of their words finally, finally hitting him like a punch to the gut.

She came back.

Before he realizes what he’s doing, he’s scooting to the far side of the pullout, untangling himself from the blankets so that they sprawl semi-neatly over the rest of the mattress.

Kiara looks at him, confused. “What are you doing?”

He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I may be pissed at you, Kiara, but I’m not gonna let you freeze to death outside.”

It’s not the first time they’ve shared the pullout, having spent many drunk nights and hungover mornings sprawled out beside each other, but she still hesitates for a moment – they seem to do that a lot now around each other – before crawling onto the mattress, slowly pulling the blankets up and over her body, as if she’s afraid one move too quick will scare JJ off.

They’re not touching, but he can smell her shampoo again, and she’s giving JJ this look that makes him feel confused and excited and scared and overwhelmed all at once and it’s almost three in the morning and he can’t unpack all of that right now.

So instead, he rolls onto his back, massages at his chest, right over his heart, shuts his eyes and breathes in and out, in and out. And just when he thinks he has himself under control-

“Hey Jayj?”

He swallows. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I left.”

She came back.

“I know you are.” He doesn’t say it’s okay. It’s not okay.

But she came back.

“Hey Jayj?”

“Yeah?”

There’s a small pause this time, like she’s trying to work up the courage to say what she wants.

“Are we going to be okay?”

And that question alone heals a part of JJ that he didn’t even know was broken.

Because she left, yes. But she came back. She cared enough to come back. No one ever comes back.

And JJ doesn’t know a lot about love, but he thinks, at least in this moment, he loves her.

“Yeah, Kie. We’ll be okay.”

The moment where you know you know it but can’t say it

“Whaddya want? Beer? Weed?” JJ smirks over his shoulder at his friends as they make their way through the Boneyard. “Both?”

Kie grins up at him. “What do you think?”

“Both it is,” JJ says, grinning back at her.

“Gonna stick with beer tonight,” John B interjects. “At least for now.”

“I’m good,” Pope says, already veering off to make his way over to the bonfire. “Can’t stay too late tonight, gotta go prep for my scholarship interview.”

JJ groans. “C’mon, dude. School just got out today. You got all summer to get ready for that shit.”

Pope rolls his eyes, but there’s no malice in his tone when he says, “That shit, JJ, is called my future. Maybe you should try looking into yours.”

And JJ knows he’s just teasing, but that doesn’t lessen the sting of his words. Because JJ already knows what his future consists of. Has known it since he was four years old, when his dad taught him the laws of the jungle that came in the form of Pogues and Kooks.

But it’s finally summer, and all he wants is to have a good time, all the time with his friends. Scratch that, his family. He can’t be bothered with his own sad shit tonight.

So he sends Pope a lazy smile and says, “Nah, I’m good. I’m more of a ‘live in the moment’ type of guy.”

Pope opens his mouth in retort, but before he has a chance to, Kie is wrapping her warm hand around JJ’s bicep and pulling him towards the keg. He looks down at his arm, reeling at the contrast between their skin and is about to make some stupid, flirty comment (he seems to be doing that a lot lately). But then he clocks her other hand, wrapped around John B’s wrist and whatever he’s about to say dies on the tip of his tongue.

“Come on,” she says. “We’ve been here for like, five minutes, and that’s five minutes too long without a drink in my hand.”

It’s embarrassing, almost, how fast JJ lets Kie wiggle her way back into his life. When she left, it was like she took a part of him with her, leaving nothing but a gaping hole in his chest in her wake. The calmer, softer side of him that Kiara has always been able to elicit from him. And JJ didn’t think too much about it at the time – he thinks it would have felt similar if it were John B (who brings out his wilder side, or stupid side, as Kie would say) or Pope (who brings out his rational side. Or at least the little bit of it that may exist) because this is his family. The Pogues.

What does surprise him, though, is that since Kie’s been back, she hasn’t just reinserted the part of him she took with her, but has somehow managed to carve away more, occupying an even larger part of his chest. Something he didn’t know to be possible.

He tries not to dwell on it too much, covers it up with flirtatious quips that make everyone say, “That’s just JJ for ya.”

Because if he does, dwell on it, that is, he has a sinking feeling he’ll discover something he doesn’t know he’s ready for yet.

And then, of course, there’s…

JJ glances again at where Kie still has a firm hold on John B’s wrist, one that his friend doesn’t seem too keen on shaking off any time soon.

…that.

(Again, he tries not to dwell on it. John B, the golden boy of the Pogues. Him getting the girl? It just makes sense.)

JJ waits until they’re closer to the keg to pull away from Kie’s grip and fills three cups before handing them to his friends. He downs his in seconds before immediately refilling it.

John B raises his eyebrows in amusement. “That kinda night, huh?”

JJ gives him a wry smile. “’s summer, dude. Good time, all the time, right?”

John B laughs and raises his hand for their familiar Pogue handshake, and JJ doesn’t miss the fond way Kiara rolls her eyes at their antics.

“Y’all are impossible,” she tells them, but she’s smiling as she walks away towards a group of Tourons, undoubtedly looking for someone she can talk about zodiac signs and biodegradable plastic with.

He watches her leave, and can’t help but clock the way John B does too, before he turns back to JJ.

“I dunno, man, I think we’re pretty sweet.”

And that makes JJ laugh, squashing a jealous remark he can feel forming on his tongue.

“Hell yeah we are, man.”

A few hours later, JJ finds himself alone on the beach, the once loud, thumping music from the Boneyard now nothing but a distant white noise. He’s lying in the sand, head propped up on a piece of driftwood as he slowly inhales the joint he had rolled, the familiar smoke filling his lungs and instantly relaxing him.

“I thought you promised me both?”

JJ turns to find Kie, arms crossed and hip cocked to the side, a playful grin dancing on her face as she eyes the joint in his hand. He takes another slow drag as she watches him, exhaling into the warm night air before replying.

“I don’t remember promising.”

Kie lets out a soft laugh as she joins him on the ground, JJ subconsciously shifting slightly so that they can share his makeshift driftwood pillow.

“Semantics.”

He smiles and holds the blunt out for her to take. She does, letting her fingers brush across his. JJ pulls his hand back quickly, and he can feel her gaze trained steadily on him.

She takes a couple hits as the two sit in a comfortable silence, and JJ lets his eyes slip shut. He can feel Kie’s arm brush against his every time she goes to take a drag, the familiar feel of goosebumps and smell of weed wrapping around his entire body like a warm blanket.

“You kind of disappeared tonight. You good?” she finally breaks the silence.

He doesn’t open his eyes. “Oh, y’know me. I’m fine, always am.”

Which, they both know is a lie. Because she’s seen the bruises on his body left by his father, the split lips and black eyes he’s sported throughout the years. The way he retreats into himself when life becomes too much for him to handle.

He feels her sit up abruptly, and he can imagine the way her eyes are likely roaming up and down his body, undoubtedly checking to see if there’s a new set of bruises somewhere on him that she had missed earlier.

His lips quirk into a sardonic smile that quickly dies when he finally opens his eyes to look at her, only to see worry and fear reflected back at him in her eyes. “Seriously, Kie. I’m fine.”

She stares at him a bit longer, as if challenging him to give in, to say that no, actually, he’s not fine, that he can’t take his dad anymore. But he doesn’t, so she finally sighs and lays back down next to him.

She presses her arm fully against his this time, handing him back the joint.

“So what, then? You strike out with a girl or something?” Her tone is light, joking, but there’s a hidden undertone that JJ can’t quite place.

He huffs out a laugh, fingering at the frayed edges of the joint. “Uh, yeah. Or something, I guess.”

He feels her turn to look at him again. “Jayj-”

But whatever she’s about to say never comes, because suddenly she’s sitting up, looking past him, squinting into the distance. “Oh my god!”

“What?” he asks, immediately on edge as he turns to where she’s focused her attention, but is unable to see anything.

He looks back to her. And he’s not sure what he’s expecting to see, but it’s certainly not Kiara Carrera grinning from ear to ear, eyes light and full of excitement.

It kind of takes his breath away.

She scrambles to her feet – the best she can, at least, with the weed finally hitting her – and starts taking off down the beach. JJ watches her, mesmerized, until she pauses to turn and look at him.

“Jayj, come on!”

“Fucking hell,” he mutters under his breath, but it’s Kie, so sticks the joint in the sand and stands up, running toward her.

He trails after her, thankful when she finally stops and he can fully catch up with her.

And when he does, he finally sees what has her so excited.

“Holy shit.”

Because just a few feet away from them, right in the sand, are a cluster of baby sea turtles.

“Holy shit, Kie!”

She grabs his arm, shaking it in excitement. “I know!”

He wants to ask her how she knew from so far away what they were, until he remembers a drunken night a few months ago when she confided in him and let slip how her and Sarah Cameron’s friendship started with baby sea turtles, and then thought better of it.

Instead, he asks, “W-what do we do?”

Kie just shakes her head, her eyes never leaving the turtles. “Nothing.”

So they do.

JJ doesn’t know how long they’re out there, walking down to the shoreline then back up and then down again, watching (and offering a bit of protection, according to Kie) the baby sea turtles make their way into the ocean for the first time. And for as much as he’s teased Kie about her turtle obsession over the years, JJ has to admit, it’s a pretty surreal experience, being privy to such a natural phenomenon.

It’s their fourth time walking down to the shoreline when he finally looks up at her to tell her all of this. But when he sees her, the sight in front of him stop him in his tracks.

Because Kiara Carrera is standing there, unaware of him and everything except those damn baby turtles, with the biggest smile he’s ever seen from her gracing her features, her wild, wavy brown hair falling over her face. Her brown eyes happy and carefree and beautiful. It’s Kie. It’s just Kie. She looks exactly like she did when they were kids, yet so different at the same time.

JJ feels like he needs to sit down, like someone has sucker punched him right in the gut and knocked the wind completely out of him. Because suddenly he’s hit with a realization, one that seems to come completely out of left field yet at the same time feels so inevitable, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Like he’s just been waiting for his head to catch up to his heart.

He’s in love with her.

He thinks maybe he always has been.

Shit.

“I know, it’s pretty amazing, huh?”

It takes JJ a moment to realize he’d said that out loud, but apparently Kie thinks he’s talking about the turtles again.

His eyes still haven’t left her, and hers still haven’t left the turtles. And it’s then he has his second realization of the night.

He’s in love with her and he can’t do a damn thing about it.

Because here’s this girl, this amazingly perfect girl, destined to achieve anything she wants, anything she puts her mind to. Who deserves the world. And here he is, a lowlife from the worst parts of the Cut, who would do nothing but drag her down. Ruin her.

JJ has to stop himself from laughing at the absurdity of it. That’s all assuming she feels the same. Which, of course, she doesn’t. He knows that.

He feels himself start to retreat before he even makes the conscious decision to.

“I uh, I gotta go, Kie.”

She finally looks up at him, eyes still warm with happiness, yet questioning now, too. “What? What do you mean?”

“I just…I have to go. Sorry. This was fun, really,” he says backing away.

“Um, okay? Are you sure?”

He doesn’t bother to respond to her.

He high tails it back to the party, filling another solo cup at the keg before spotting a Touron he’d been talking to earlier that night. He downs his beer before making his way over to her.

He loves Kiara Carrera.

He can never have her. Never deserve her.

He needs to bury it deep down within him.

And that needs to start tonight.

JJ’s walked many of his one night stands to the door of the Chateau the morning after, a good majority of them taking place shamelessly in front of his friends.

It’s a somewhat normal occurrence – one that everyone has grown accustomed to.

This is the first time he’s ever felt…awkward about it.

Nothing is inherently different. He helps the girl gather her belongings before they walk into the living room, John B and Pope giving her a small little wave from the kitchen, Kie still sprawled on the pullout as she offers a tight smile, and then he’s opening the front door, offering her no false promises of calls that will never come, only a simple goodbye.

But when he closes the door and turns back toward the living room, Kiara is sitting up on the pullout, arms crossed. She doesn’t look mad, but maybe a little disappointed and somehow, that feels worse.

“That was what you had to run off to?”

JJ hopes she doesn’t see the way he grimaces.

“What can I say, Kie? A guy’s got needs.”

God, he makes himself cringe with that line.

Kiara just scoffs. “Whatever.”

She drags herself off the pullout and into the kitchen, making a beeline for John B and the cup of coffee he has waiting for her.

JJ swallows down his heartbreak, plasters on a fake smile, and then bounces over to join them.

The moment where you know you know it and can’t keep it in any longer

The weeks following El Dorado are…weird. For lack of a better word.

There’s a lot of bad. A lot of sadness, a lot of mourning as they all try to navigate just what the hell they’d been through, what they’d lost, all for the sake of money. And on top of that, a lot of police questioning, although JJ does think that them solving a mystery spanning hundreds of years has given them a little bit of leeway with them.

But then there’s Kie. Kie, in all her wavy haired, brown eyed glory, who has been by his side the entire time, just like she promised. Kie, who has told him she loves him, multiple times now, with such conviction. Kie, his best friend, who he never thought would want anything more than friendship, suddenly does.

She is everything good in his world.

They’re not together.

It’s hard enough for JJ to allow himself to be completely happy in normal circumstances, but with Big John dying – and even Ward, to an extent – to see his best friends mourn the loss of their fathers, for JJ to mourn the loss of the closest thing he’s ever had to a real father on top of confronting all the other demons in his life? Fucking impossible.

So no, they’re not together.

But they’re also not not together.

He’s with her every day. They’ve been staying with Sarah and John B in the condo Ward left for her – JJ officially unable to return to his own home due to the eviction notice (good riddance), and Kie needing space from her parents as they try desperately to build back the trust they lost with their only daughter.

They share a bed most nights, and besides the occasional kisses here and there it’s innocent enough, both ultimately just seeking the comfort and embrace of someone they trust, like they did on Poguelandia.

(Not that he doesn’t want to do more, take the next step. It’s just…like he said. Fucking impossible right now.)

And Kiara’s been amazing, because of course she has. She’s been gentle and patient and steadfast, and he’s been trying his hardest to be that for her too, but he can’t help but feel like he’s been falling short.

He hasn’t told her he loves her since Kitty Hawk, and he wants to, god he wants to, but apparently the last six months have left JJ even more fucked in the head than he had been before, and now that happiness is staring him directly in the eye, it’s impossible for him to reach out and just take it. But, he also knows that she knows. That he doesn’t have to say it again until he’s ready. That she’ll wait.

(She tells him all the time, though. Fucking surreal.)

He finds her at the Wreck one night, sitting alone on the deck in a lounge chair overlooking the ocean.

Her parents were finally able to convince her a few days ago to start coming around the restaurant again – somewhere public, where they can’t pull another stunt like they did with Kitty Hawk.

“Hey,” he says, sitting next to her, arm pressing against hers because he doesn’t have to be subtle about it anymore.

She smiles softly, leaning into his touch. “Hey.”

JJ studies her a moment, trying to decipher if the wistful expression she’s sporting is good or bad.

He nudges her gently. “You good?”

Kie sighs, shaking her head. “I don’t know. Being back here, trying to figure all the shit out with my parents…It’s just weird.”

“Good weird or bad weird?” he asks, unable to help himself.

But it makes her laugh, so he feels some semblance of pride, like maybe he’s okay at this sappy shit, at navigating trials and tribulations.

“Shut up,” she says, amused, but then sobers. “And I’m not sure yet. Definitely not as good as…other weird things.”

“Mhmm.”

They sit there for a moment, watching the sun set over the beach and the waves crash into the shoreline like they have so many times before.

“You closing tonight?” he asks after a few minutes.

“Yeah,” she replies. “I just wanted to sit here for a minute though. Enjoy the view. This used to be my favorite place in the world to watch the sunset.”

JJ smirks. “Got room for one more?” But he’s already sliding fully back on the lounge chair, leaning back and kicking his feet up.

Kie giggles. Actually giggles. Since when does Kiara Carrera giggle?

“What is this, ‘repeat every conversation we’ve ever had’ day?”

He shrugs playfully. “What? I thought girls liked that shit. Shows ‘em we’re listening and whatever.”

He watches as she tries and fails to hold back a smile, and it warms JJ’s heart.

“Yeah, we do,” she finally relents.

He grins at her and then slides his hands around her waist, gently pulling her into him until she’s between his legs, her back melting into his chest and her hands interlacing with his own across her stomach. He rests his chin on her shoulder and he doesn’t miss the familiar way his heart flips when he hears her sigh in content.

They watch as the sun sets, the only words that are spoken are when Kie makes a comment about all the colors in the sky. It’s just the two of them, Jayj and Kie, able to just be, for the first time in he doesn’t know how long.

He doesn’t know how he got this lucky, and definitely knows he doesn’t deserve it. How even in the worst year of his life, he’s managed to gain the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

He doesn’t know what makes him say it – maybe it’s him subconsciously self-sabotaging again, or maybe it’s because he’s finally ready to let her choose if she wants to accept every single part of him, the good and the bad.

“Hey, uh, Kie?”

“Hmm?”

“You know, uh…y’know the money clip thing?” He flinches when he feels her stiffen.

“I thought we were past all that, JJ?” she asks, not unkindly, but not with the warmest of tones either.

He sighs. “We are, I swear, it’s just…um, well. That wasn’t the first time I stole from your family.”

He waits for her to say something, anything, but she stays completely still, and JJ would give anything to be able to see her face in that moment, to know what she’s really thinking.

“When I was younger, before I even knew you, Kie, I mooched off the tables here at the Wreck. It was just once, I swear, and it was all leftovers anyway so it didn’t even matter, but I know, I get it, it’s the fact that I even did it in the first place-”

“JJ.”

“-but it’s just because I was starving. Like, literally starving, had not eaten in days and I-”

“Jayj!” she whips around, placing one hand on either side of his face. “I know.”

He blinks at her. “You…what?”

His eyes float around her face, searching for even the smallest sign of anger or resentment, but all he sees is understanding and love, lay bare for the world to see.

Kie smiles and redirects his face towards a window, one JJ knows looks into Mike and Anna’s office.

“That window has a great view. Particularly of our patrons who sit on the patio.”

JJ turns back toward Kie, slowly, the pieces of what she’s trying to say clicking into place.

“You were here?”

Kie chews at her bottom lip. “I was here.”

It takes a moment for JJ’s mind to stop reeling, but when it does, an immediate dread sinks in. “Does that mean your parents-”

“No,” she cuts him off. “At least, I’m almost positive they don’t know. They were busy in the kitchen and I was sitting in their office by myself, coloring. Imagine my surprise when I looked out the window and saw a little blond boy stuffing french fries into his mouth and pockets.”

“Oh god,” JJ groans, falling back against the lounge chair, her hands sliding off his face at the movement. “Why didn’t you tell your parents?”

She hesitates before sending him a small smile. “I thought about it. But, I don’t know, Jayj. You were so small and skinny and I had never seen someone eat like their life depended on it. So I don’t know. I just let it go. Went back to coloring.”

“Kie-”

“And then when we became friends, you never brought it up, even though I knew you knew who I was. That my parents owned this place. But the more I got to know you, the more I understood why you did it.”

And even though it’s left unsaid, the looming presence of Luke Maybank hangs between him.

“JJ,” she says, voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah?” he responds, matching her tone.

She shifts around until she’s fully facing him, sitting crisscrossed. “I need you to look at me.”

He does, unable to deny her anything. She places a soft hand back on his face, thumb tenderly skating across his cheekbone, and JJ has to resist the urge to lean into it.

“Before anything, anything else, you’re my best friend, JJ. And I need you to know that there’s no part of you that I would change for the world. Not your crazy, stupid plans, or uncanny ability to pickpocket literally anyone, or even the way you process your shit, because all that makes you you. And Jayj, you’re everything.”

It strikes him, not for the first time, that he doesn’t know when Kiara started looking at him like that. With soft, tender eyes that rival even the way John B and Sarah look at each other. Maybe it was the moment on Rafe’s stolen boat, sailing home from Barbados. Maybe it was on Poguelandia, as he taught her how to spear fish. Or maybe it was long before any of that, and JJ just never allowed himself to acknowledge it.

He gets it now, why Kie word vomited her feelings for him the night of her parents anniversary. Because he knows now, what it’s like to be unable to keep something so important, so monumental, in any longer.

“I love you,” he tells her, and it’s the most honest and sure thing he’s ever said in his life.

She smiles at him and threads her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, eyes full and bright with excitement. He can tell she’s trying not to make a big deal out of it.

“I know you do,” she tells him softly. Simply.

It’s his turn to caress her face this time. “I know, but Kie, you need to hear it without any other bullshit going on. No breaking out of shitty wilderness camps, no hundred year old treasure hunts, no one’s life on the line, just us. Sitting here. I love you.”

She blinks rapidly, and JJ realizes it’s her weak attempt to stop tears from falling. He catches them on his thumbs, wiping them away gently.

“I love you, too,” she says.

And then he kisses her, and they’ve kissed a handful of times now, but this time feels different. Because they aren’t in a cabin full of strangers on a time crunch.

He kisses her, and he’s not holding back, afraid of what she might find underneath his surface if she digs deep enough, because she already has.

He kisses her, his flaws and scarred past wide out in the open, and she doesn’t run away.

He kisses her, because Kiara Carrera already knows him, JJ Maybank, inside and out. And she accepts him, and she loves him, flaws and scarred past and all, and he loves her back, just as fiercely.

He kisses her like she’s the one who hangs the moon and the stars, and she kisses him back with the same intent.

Because to him, she does.

And to her, he does.