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somebody kiss me, i'm going crazy
the 64th floor is prone to thunderstorms.
loud and minacious, the kind that seem to be trying to force their way into whatever shelter you're cowering in and claw you out.
khun finds bam sitting cross legged with his back to him, staring out of tall, wide windows into the barrage of rain and wind.
a flash of purple-blue lightning illuminates the room for just a second, before it's plunged back into muted grey.
"pales in comparison to ran after i confiscated his console." khun quips, stuffing his hands into his pockets and drifting closer to bam's silhouette.
bam lets out a short exhale from his nose at the memory. the younger khun's sour mood lasted even days after his console had already been returned.
"...you didn't come to dinner today."
khun watches the brunette carefully. when there's no visible reaction, he continues. "something bothering you?"
the shinsu around them seems to coalesce (or perhaps it actually does, it's hard to tell with bam these days) and bam slowly turns around to fix him with a blank stare.
a flash of lightning washes his face in violet. his eyes are fire.
"you lied."
khun flinches at the claim. there's no anger on his brow, no steel in his voice, if anything he sounds tired, but his eyes burn with accusation.
bam doesn't wait for khun to reply before continuing.
"you promised you'd stay close, and you didn't." he speaks slowly, voice strained as if he'd let something slip if he were any less careful.
khun tears his eyes away guiltily. he was expecting bam to confront him about it sooner or later, but that doesn't mean the pit in his stomach is any shallower.
the floor test this time had essentially been a game of hide and seek. the goal was to avoid coming into contact with the seeker (a high ranker who wouldn't hesitate to kill on sight) for 48 hours. the only rules were as follows:
1. they could hide anywhere on the floor, nowhere was off limits.
2. killing the ranker would end the game early, but only the team who landed the killing blow would pass the test.
they had split their team into three. bam, endorsi, laure and novick would lead the offence, drawing the ranker away from the other two groups and engaging in combat if necessary. rak, ran, hatz and anak would act as support, trailing the first group discreetly and providing backup should a confrontation occur. khun, isu, and hockney would track the ranker's movement and scout out possible hiding places, as well as assessing which other teams would be safe to ally with and which to avoid.
khun had assigned himself another task, of course, and hadn't disclosed this fact to anyone. not even bam.
during one of the few short naps they allowed themselves, he slipped away from isu and hockney to meet with some informants from another team.
a couple of floors back, khun had caught whiff of a plan by a group of reject slayer candidates to ambush jyu viole grace somewhere between their floor and the 68th. since the perpetrators likely had ties to fug, it wouldn't be wise to alert the organisation of his knowledge to avoid a leak of information.
sure, he could go to hwaryun— he did, very reluctantly, but she had been largely unhelpful with one of her cryptic anecdotes about paths and the like.
which is why he resigned himself to hanging around in a back alley at ungodly hours of the night, diving head first into what he was almost certain was a trap.
and he was right. it was a trap, to no-one's surprise.
not that it was anything he couldn't handle: he'd already taken care of two hidden attackers upon arrival (only statues of ice would be found in their place) and the remaining three didn't pose much threat to him.
unfortunately for him, they had also realised this fact and had other plans. namely, blasting a bone-chilling siren that sounded like death itself, revealing his position to the ranker.
before khun could flee from the scene, chains shot out from beneath the cobble and ensnared his wrists and ankles. it wouldn't take him longer than maybe a minute to break free, but he'd already be too late.
bam, who'd already found out from isu and hockney that khun was missing, had been frantically and recklessly flying around in the open air in search of him when the siren sounded.
in a second that felt like an entire cycle of the moon, golden eyes locked with glowing red from across the city's centre.
they both dove at break neck speed towards to source of the noise.
in the end, bam killed the ranker.
and the ambushers.
and everyone in a half mile's radius.
it took hwaryun injecting him with some unspecified silvery liquid for him to finally cease his white-rage fuelled hecatomb, ardent aureate fluttering shut as he floated down to the ground, not unlike an angel of death.
since the incident, he'd been drifting around, ghostlike, with a fragile smile and an emptiness in his eyes that seemed to drain the life essence of anyone who dared to peer into them.
this was the most he'd said in a few days— khun would be relieved if not for the topic of their conversation.
"...i'm sorry, bam. i shouldn't have disappeared without telling you." he fights down the stubborn urge to defend himself, rationalise his actions. he shouldn't provoke bam further, not while the troubled shinsu emanating off the wave controller already feels like water in his lungs. he doesn't deserve to defend himself anyways— this is his fault, after all.
"hwaryun told me. why you did it." he restlessly fiddles with his hands, before loosely dropping them into his lap. "why didn't you tell me about the slayers? i would have— we could have figured it out. together."
"i didn't want you to worry." khun explains, with a small, hollow smile. it seems kind of stupid in hindsight. "you have enough on your plate as it is, i figured that when i found out more information we could discuss what to do, rather than stressing you out prematurely with baseless rumours."
"so the alternative was to stress me out by almost getting yourself killed instead?"
khun grimaces, his gaze settling over bam's shoulder into the onslaught of rain.
"i could have taken them. i almost did, if it wasn't for the ranker—"
"but that's just the problem, isn't it, khun-ssi?"
bam drags himself up, crossing the distance between them in a few short strides.
"you didn't. what if i had been a second late? would you even be standing here?"
this close, bam's overwhelming presence makes khun's hairs stand on end, an uncomfortable chill crawling it's way down his back. he ignores it, challenges gold with his own piercing blue, because in the end, it's bam.
"i can take care of myself, bam."
"i'm not asking you to." bam's voice comes out uncharacteristically low, almost a growl, and it's enough for him to do a double take and visibly shrink into himself.
"s-sorry, i'm sorry khun-ssi, i—"
"bam, it's okay," he reaches out for him, but the brunette slinks back, digging his nails into clothed forearms and refusing to meet his gaze.
khun sighs heavily, screwing his eyes shut.
he fixes his tone into something softer. "wanna sit and talk properly?"
bam stares at khun's outstretched palm, his own fingers twitching in place. he lifts his arm halfway, before deciding against it and walking past the light bearer towards the couch.
khun's lips twitch downwards at the rejection, but he follows after bam closely, who abandons the couch and chooses to slide onto the floor, leaning back on the seat cushions.
they sit pressed against eachother in silence, not quite comfortable but not unpleasant either, until bam breaks it.
"i'm burning up, i think. from the inside."
khun nods for him to continue. he thinks he knows the feeling.
bam opens his mouth, furrows his eyebrows, presses his lips closed. he searches for the words among amethyst-lined stormclouds before trying again.
"i don't really remember what happened with the ranker. i just remember being so scared of something happening to you that it made me angry. like i was burning from the inside out." bam stares at his own clenched fists, the remnants of a white hot fire dancing in his irises.
"i didn't feel bad when the others told me what i did. still don't. i just feel angry that i didn't get to you sooner. maybe i shouldn't have let you out of my sight at all."
his voice grows quieter, his gaze drifting to the ceiling, maybe beyond it. "it's been like this for a while. since we left the nest, i think. i don't feel guilty anymore, after killing. just...mad at myself for not being stronger."
he turns to khun, half of his face illuminated by the dim glow of the grey sky outside. his eyes are glassy with moisture, brows pinched inwards.
"when did it become so easy, khun-ssi? it's not supposed to be this easy, is it?" he whispers, a single salty drop rolling down his tear-flushed cheek. "i'm slipping aren't i? going crazy, like...like white?"
khun brings warm palms up to cradle bam's face, wiping the moisture away with his thumbs. "bam?"
"y-yeah?"
"no one is as crazy as white." he deadpans.
bam's eyes widen in surprise for a split second, and then he's laughing, thank god he's laughing, as the shinsu around them starts to lose its denseness.
"i'm serious, i don't think you could reach his level of insanity if you tried your hardest."
bam scoffs. "is that a challenge?" his lips slant upwards, mischief flickering in tear glazed eyes.
"god, no." khun denies, despite the grin spreading across his cheeks.
he dips his head to rest his forehead against bam's, grin softening into the ghost of a smile.
"i'm no angel, bam." he mutters, after a while.
"i think you know that. none of us are. not me, not rak, not isu, not even you. that's what the tower takes from you. your innocence. your righteousness. yourself." he whispers the last word like he doesn't want the tower to hear.
"you don't have to be an angel, bam. you don't even have to be good. just be bam. strong, so so stubborn," he teases, revelling in the breathy giggle he's rewarded with. "loyal, thoughtful, wonderful, perfect..."
bam's breath catches in his throat, his face growing warm to the touch."khun-ssi,"
"if they take everything else, don't let them take that. can you do that for me?"
their noses are pressed up against eachother's by now, every stuttering breath fanning across the other's lips.
"...kay. for you." bam murmurs, soft lips just barely grazing khun's own.
bam achingly anticipates the tender press of their lips with every burning cell in his body.
it doesn't come.
instead, khun tilts bam's head down to press a featherlight kiss to one closed eyelid, and then the other, and pretends not the notice the disappointed slump of the other's shoulders.
bam's outgrown this now.
khun's embrace is made to fit someone softer, with wide eyes and a wider heart and much too much to give.
bam doesn't have anything left to give. just practised lopsided smiles and empty promises he rattles off to hold himself together.
so he'll make himself softer. fold himself small and neat, tied off with a pretty little bow, like the navy ribbon wound trice around chestnut locks.
he'll squeeze and twist and bend until
his bones crack and splinter, until he fits snug between pale, lean arms. he'll let gold laced ivory stitch itself back together into a shape that's maybe worthy of love.
a kiss to his temple. "let's get some sleep, okay?" khun mumbles into chestnut bangs.
"okay."
i'm walking round the house naked,
silver in the night
"who sent you?" bam asks, with a polite smile.
(polite if you ignore the jagged glass shard he currently has buried in the man's thigh.)
the man's head lolls against his shoulder, his face barely recognisable under fresh bruises and a gaping wound across his cheek. he spits out a mouthful of blood. "n-no one sent us—"
his head rolls onto the floor before he has time to finish his sentence.
"wrong answer." bam sighs, throwing the bloodied glass shard over his shoulder, ignoring the choked screams of the other 6 men tied up in front of him.
the rest of man's limp body falls onto the lap of the man beside him, who screws his eyes shut and swallows the bile rising up through his throat.
shibisu eyes the crimson-painted shard that lands a few inches away from him with a frown. his eyes trail up to the rest of their team, who he finds staring back at him with expressions ranging from mild concern to poorly veiled unease.
endorsi and hatz share a look, before endorsi not so subtly inclines her head in khun's direction. khun is leant against the wall with his arms crossed, watching the display silently. his face gives nothing away.
shibisu shakes his head furiously. "not now." he whispers, as yet another blood-curdling scream cuts through the room.
"my friends nearly died thanks to you guys, so i'm sure you can understand why i'm not in the best of moods." bam frowns, crouching down in front of a red-haired man, who's doing a pitiful job of crawling away from him.
"i'll ask again, who told you where we were?"
"i-i don't know, i just take orders— W-WAIT, WAIT! wait, please!" he exclaims frantically, just as bam raises his hand.
"hm?" the wave bearer tilts his head curiously.
"i saw my boss—"
"who's your boss?"
"...you killed him already." the man shivers.
"oh. carry on."
"i saw my boss talking to someone. in-in a brown cloak." he forces out, his voice strained. "i didn't see their face. i-i just know they were willing to pay any price, and my boss wasn't allowed to reveal their identity to anyone, not even us."
"just as i thought then. fug has a leak." khun huffs, speaking for the first time since the interrogation had begun. he pushes off the wall, crossing the floor to rest a hand on bam's head. "well done." he murmurs softly, with a ruffle of his hair.
bam beams brightly up at him, the empty greyness of his eyes replaced with a flickering flame. "thanks. is that enough?" he nibbles on his bottom lip, watching khun's expression carefully.
khun hums in thought. "it'll have to be. this guy's just a lackey, i doubt he knows any more than that."
"then can i kill him?"
the man's blood runs cold. "wa-h-hold on!" he stumbles over his words, waving a frantic hand in surrender. "i-i can tell you something else. but you have to swear you won't kill me after." he pleads.
bam tosses khun a questioning glance, and he gives a short nod in reply.
"what is it?" the wave controller asks.
"y-you have to swear you won't kill me."
bam sighs in exasperation. "i won't. promise."
"the person in the cloak. they had blonde hair."
the idle caresses to bam's hair stop abruptly. "blonde, huh?" khun half-laughs, low and metallic. "what kind of blonde?"
the man furrows his eyebrows. "i-i don't know, straw blonde, i guess."
khun scoffs. "i don't know what i expected. cockroaches can never just die quietly, can they? always need to make a song and dance of it." he hisses, fingernails digging into his palm.
"khun-ssi, it's okay." bam reassures, standing up and taking khun's pale hand into his own bloodstained ones.
bam appears completely unaffected. if not for the slight tremble in his hands, khun might've believed he doesn't care at all.
"don't worry about rachel anymore. i'll find her and kill her, i promise." he squeezes his lightbearer's hand firmly, as if he'd promised him a nice trip to the beach and not a cold blooded homicide.
"bam—"
"i will." bam insists, squeezing tighter. the bloodlust slipping through the cracks in his otherwise perfect performance would be invisible to anyone else, but not to khun.
his lips slant upwards, just barely. "okay, bam. you ready to head back?"
bam nods weakly, practically falling forwards to drop his head onto khun's shoulder. he'll never admit it, but he's about an hour away from losing his battle with bone-deep exhaustion.
in the end, khun had been right about the ambush.
he'd just gotten the target wrong.
they hadn't been after jyu viole grace at all. they'd been after his friends.
not long after they arrived at the 70th floor, bam received an invitation to attend a fug networking dinner. attendance was mandatory, because of course it was, but the catch was that he couldn't bring anyone who wasn't a member of fug.
in other words, the rest of his team.
hwaryun, unfortunately, received the brunt of khun’s ill-contained wrath, despite calmly and patiently explaining that it was not her decision.
khun usually goes with bam to such events, both as someone who knows how to navigate fake smiles and scrutinising stares and as a reassuring presence. the fact he was being intentionally barred from attending meant it was a trap, no doubt about it.
bam tried to refuse it, worried about leaving khun and the others alone in the hotel, but a couple ominous threats from fug and he had no choice but to comply.
at the time, khun hadn't understood why bam had hugged him like he'd evaporate into nothing should he let go.
it's clear now, however: bam knew from the beginning the trap wasn't for him.
even despite the constant updates, bam was an anxious wreck all the way to the venue. he lasted about 10 minutes at the dinner before abruptly diving out of a nearby window (much to the horror of the guest he was speaking to), soaring at eye-watering speed back in the direction of the hotel.
he was almost there when the explosion went off.
close enough to hear the detonation reverberate through shinsu and strike his core, to feel the dizzying heat of the flames prickling at his skin, to smell billows of black grey smoke crawl through his airways to settle in his lungs.
through his tunnel vision, he was able to dig through the rubble and find his teammates, who were injured— some more than others—and covered in debris. miraculously, no one had been fatally injured, despite the odd fractured bone. bam managed to convince khun and isu to set up a shield before he left, which had absorbed most of the blow, but the damage was still devastating.
he barely had time to process the torrent of emotions cycling through his brain (all decidedly bad in a way that made every cell in his body cry out in agony) before he was attacked from all sides in the ruins of what once was a hotel lobby.
with his friends wounded and clearly not in a condition to fight, it was left to him to protect them and himself against the reject slayers.
fortunately, they were rejects for a reason. not weak, it was a gruelling, bloody fight, but against bam who in that moment had everything to lose, they never stood a chance.
bam wilts against khun's shoulder as soon as they sit down in the airship. "m sorry...your clothes..." he mumbles, nigh-on incoherent.
khun chuckles, perhaps a touch too fondly with all things considered. "it's alright bam, don't worry about it."
bam refused to rest or even change in the midst of all this, his tailored suit barely recognisable under thick layers of crimson blood (none of it his). khun's own clothes are now stained red, as well as his hands where bam had held on earlier, but he doesn't mind.
he's used to having blood on his hands, after all.
bam slurs something that is actually intelligible this time, nuzzling further into the crook of khun's neck.
he pouts when all it draws is more soft, evidently amused laughter from his light bearer. "go to sleep, bam, we're almost there." he hums, carding his fingers through bam's ponytail.
"mhhn not fair, you can't..." bam groans in protest, feebly swatting at khun's chest.
the other grins slyly, hooking a finger into bam's ribbon. "hm? can't what, bam?" he tugs it free, letting chestnut hair, albeit a bit blood-matted, cascade over bam's shoulders.
"i'll fall asleep. you're cheating." he huffs.
gracile fingers continue to thread through his tangled locks. "that's the plan. i'll sing you a lullaby if that's what it takes." and because bam is almost as big of a sucker as he is, "please, bam, sleep a little. for me?"
a beat.
"m'kay. for you."
bam doesn't sleep for long, stirring awake as soon as the airship docks. the inn this time is isolated on the shore of a rocky beach, personally supplied by ha jinsung at hwaryun's request. the chances of anyone finding them here are slim to none ('and yet somehow never none,' khun helpfully remarks).
clearly, no one is in the mood for idle chitchat, as they all retire to their individual rooms with murmured goodnights— it's 5 in the morning— leaving bam, khun, and a lingering isu alone in the foyer. bam senses there's a conversation hanging in the air that he's not privy to, and excuses himself to the kitchen.
"khun-ssi, i'm gonna get myself a hot drink." he yawns, shuffling towards the archway. khun hums in acknowledgment.
"see you later, isu." he flashes the scout a weary, yet warm smile, and just about waits for it to be returned —goodnight, bam— before slipping around the corner.
"...and then there were two." isu laughs nervously, rocking back and forth on his heels.
khun clicks his tongue impatiently. "out with it, isu."
"well, uh, me and some of the others have concerns...about bam." he lowers his voice, unsure of how well he could be heard from the kitchen.
khun's eyes narrow just a fraction, but other than that, his expression remains inscrutable as always. "concerns? the kind of concerns you need to talk to me about?" he hitches up an eyebrow.
"that's exactly the problem, i'd talk to bam about this, but well, he's been kind of...volatile recently, for lack of a better word."
"how'd you mean?" khun's playing dumb now, he knows. but isu, ever patient, doesn't comment on it.
"you know, the whole ominous thing he does sometimes when it feels like all the shinsu in the room is being wound around your neck like a snake," isu theatrically mimes a choking action in the air, "just sucking your life away—"
"alright!" khun interrupts curtly, waving for him to stop. "thanks for the demonstration, baldie, i get it."
shibisu all but screeches, clutching his head with a scandalised squawk. "i am not— i have hair!"
khun pays him no mind, staring distantly at the archway. "he doesn't mean to." he mutters quietly.
"i know that, khun." isu sighs, dropping his arms to his side. "i just worry. he gets this look, like he could tear open up the sky and drag the heavens down just for the sake of it. i saw it earlier, during the interrogation."
"like a slayer?" khun supplies, with a slight dip of his head.
shibisu smiles, a little sheepish. "yeah, i guess like a slayer."
"he was angry. we all were. i'd do the same, probably worse." khun reasons, more because he feels as though he has to than to convince anyone. he's not even convincing himself. "if you're trying to say he's changed, you're right. it'd be more worrying if he hadn't changed at all, this far up the tower." his eyes drift back to shibisu, whatever wistful quality they had to them sharpening into something inherently khun.
"as for 'tearing open the sky'," the light bearer's lips tilt upwards in a light jest, "i'm not sure if that's anywhere on his itinerary at the moment, but you'll have to ask about that him yourself."
"ha, funny." isu plasters on a patently plastic smile. "but, you're right. we've all changed. for better or worse, i can't say. i guess i was just—"
a heavy sigh, "subconsciously hoping bam wouldn't. hoping he'd be a constant when nothing ever is. that's not really fair, is it?"
khun doesn't say anything. perhaps he's guilty of it too.
"hey, khun?" isu says, after letting his words linger in the air for a while.
"hm?"
"do you ever feel like...like bam is too far away? it's like, i can see him, but i can't touch him, no matter how hard i stretch. but he's right there, you know what i mean?"
khun wants to laugh out loud, maybe even cry, but he doesn't.
"yeah. trust me, isu. i know."
"he trusts you though, always has. you're actually the only one he listens to anymore. occasionally rak. hwaryun on a good day."
khun scoffs. "listens, sure. obeys? that's a different story."
isu laughs airily. "bam's always been stubborn. that's one thing that'll never change. oh, they grow up so fast!" he wails, clutching at the fabric on his chest.
khun rolls his eyes, but the smile tugging at his lips kinda dampens the effect. "i don't think i can handle you getting sappy on me right now, i have a bad enough headache as it is."
"aloof as ever, khun, you never change either." shibisu huffs, grinning.
he stretches his arms over his head in a loud yawn. "i'm gonna hit the hay, see you in 48 hours." he clasps a firm hand on khun's shoulder that the other is far too tired to shrug off.
"look after bam for me, alright?" his bottom lip wobbles in that exaggerated way it usually does when he parts with a friend. it's all dramatics, but something in isu's gaze feels too genuine. like he's really saying goodbye.
khun swallows the lump in his throat and buries the thought. "always." he grins.
"what would we do without you, dear khun?" he swipes away tears that aren't there.
"find a new light bearer?"
shibisu gasps in horror, slapping a hand over his mouth. "never, my love! you're indispensable, truly one of a kind." his eyes fall on his trademark blue hair and blue eyes, and he visibly winces.
"one of a kind, am i?" khun raises an eyebrow. "go to bed, shibisu."
"o-okay, maybe not one of a kind, b-but it doesn't matter, because you're our favourite!
...though, asensio is pretty cool—"
"go to bed."
"—eek! i was just kidding!" isu squeaks and ducks away from khun's homicidal glare. "i'm going i'm going goodnight!" he dashes into the hallway.
when khun enters the kitchen, bam is sat on a bar stool, his face resting against the cool counter, absently tracing the rim of his mug. "...do do, do do do do..." he hums a soft melody, one khun doesn't recognise, but rings strangely familiar.
he only seems to notice khun when he's an arm's reach away, sleep-heavy eyes drifting up and setting on his face. he smiles lazily. "khun-ssi. are you done talking?"
he hums in confirmation, brushing wisps of hair from bam's eyes that the brunette is probably not even present enough to be bothered by. "you should have just gone to bed if i was taking too long, bam."
"didn't want to without you." he slurs, leaning into khun's touch.
"alright, i'm here now. we just need to get you clean then we can go to bed."
bam only seems to register the word 'clean', because he sits up suddenly and sheds his suit jacket and tie in no time, is halfway through taking off his shirt when khun quickly grabs his wrist and tugs it away. "i didn't mean strip in the middle of the kitchen, bam." he huffs.
"but i feel gross." he frowns.
"go on, then." the light bearer sighs, crouching down to pick up bam's discarded clothes.
at the sound of a belt buckle being clumsily fiddled with, "i am pleading with you to leave your bottoms on."
he sulks at that, but reluctantly drops his hands to his sides.
*
bam barely waits until his other foot is in the door of his room to shuck the rest of his clothing, tossing it in a pile next to the laundry basket rather than inside it.
khun is in the bathroom, so he wanders over to the window and stares out into the midnight waters lapping against the rocky shore.
he watches the waves ripple invitingly, shimmering under the shinsu moon as if hiding diamonds in their shadowy depths.
suddenly, he wants to swim.
wouldn't it be nice?
to feel the ice water burn against his skin?
let the ocean embrace him, dance around his limbs, fill his ears, his nose, his lungs?
he barely realises he's sliding the window open until he is hit with a cool rush of salty air.
he wouldn't even need to swim.
wouldn't need to do anything at all, he could just float, or sink, or drown, it's all the same anyways—
"bam?" a warm hand settles on the bare skin of his shoulder, squeezes once, and bam blames slight shiver that courses through him on the open window.
he hopes his expression is normal when he turns around. "hm?"
khun makes it a point not to let his gaze stray any lower than bam's chest, and even that is a dangerous game because his brain somehow translates that into 'his chest, stare at his chest' so he gives up the endeavour entirely and opts to gaze out into the same inky depths bam had just been staring after.
he wants to ask if bam's okay.
"hot water's working fine." he says instead.
it was a stupid question anyway. as if he doesn't know.
*
bam sits cross-legged on the shower floor, and so khun has to get in to help the irregular clean himself. he stubbornly chooses to keeps his clothes on, save for his socks and shoes, and regrets it a little when soaked fabric clings to the skin-deep wounds he's been ignoring so well until now.
he scrubs dried crimson off bam's skin perfunctorily, drowns himself in quiet, melodious humming and the patter of water against tile. he hasn't allowed himself to think too hard about anything in particular, but it's only a matter of time before the dam holding back an onslaught of harrowing thoughts crumbles under the weight.
it's your fault.
he flicks the cap open and squeezes ivory shampoo into his hands.
"do do, do do do do..."
he massages the soap into bam's scalp until peach foam starts to form.
weak. it's your fault.
bam leans back into his touch, then further, until his back is pressed against khun's blood and soap stained shirt and he can feel every hammering heartbeat against his nape.
too fast, he barely registers.
i'll have to throw this shirt out. khun thinks.
you'll kill him sooner than they will. he thinks louder.
a hand comes up to brush wet strands of pale blue hair out of his eyes. when he looks down, bam is smiling up at him so warmly that he must be using the last of his energy to do so.
"close your eyes, bam, you'll get shampoo in them." he mutters.
"it's not your fault." he whispers.
khun stops breathing.
it's almost humiliating that bam knows him so well.
"the shampoo?" he rasps. "i know, that's why you should close your—"
if khun thought bam couldn't get any closer, he's proven wrong when bam turns and nuzzles further into his chest, as if he's trying to crawl under his skin and make a home in the marrow of his bones.
"not the shampoo, khun-ssi." he shakes his head slowly. "the ambush. the ranker." he murmurs, and khun thinks he's going to stop there, but he keeps going. "white, the hidden floor, the train, fug...rachel. it wasn't your fault."
"you can't say none of that was my fault, bam." khun protests. he shouldn't be arguing with bam who can barely keep his eyes open, but if he's going to make ridiculous sweeping statements like that, it's fair game.
"hmm, i can." he frowns stubbornly. "you do your best. we all do. but you..." he trails off, like he's about to fall asleep, but he soon jolts himself awake.
"you're not god, khun-ssi." bam smiles softly, like there's a punchline his lightbearer just doesn't seem to get. "you're...you're my lightbearer. i only need you to try."
"...'ly need you."
he thinks he hears bam whisper.
it's followed by silence, however, and khun glances down to find the irregular fast asleep.
out there, i'm a sharp knife
"white is back." hwaryun states plainly, diving head first into the topic of the meeting without even waiting for everyone to be properly seated.
khun is the first to break the stunned silence that falls over the room.
"what is that supposed to mean?" he snaps, unsure which one he's more irritated by: the witch's usual vagueness or the mere mention of the slayer.
"he sent a message to fug's headquarters just this morning." she answers. "it appears that he has managed to take back control of his body and is demanding we organise a meeting between him and bam—"
"so what?" endorsi huffs impatiently. "as if bam is gonna go anywhere near that freak again."
all eyes land on the wave controller, who, so far, has been uncharacteristically silent. in fact, he hasn't said much since breakfast.
"that's not all, princess endorsi." hwaryun continues patiently. "he's holding an orphanage hostage on the 81st floor."
the room quickly falls into silence once more.
"how— how many children?" shibisu chokes out, his voice notably higher than usual.
"anywhere from 180 to 200."
"there's a catch though, right?" hatz asks flatly.
"naturally." hwaryun nods. her gaze flicks to bam and he gives her a sharp look that almost looks like a warning, but the exchange doesn't last long enough for anyone to properly decipher it.
"not long before he contacted us, he attacked an entire testing group on the 33rd floor. there were no known survivors. with the number of souls he would have acquired from that, plus his recent breach of fug's item safe, it's likely that he's nearing his physical condition before he was put into hibernation— he's most certainly stronger than he was at the nest."
"black turtle is much stronger than that squashed rice cake." rak snorts haughtily. "he doesn't stand a chance against the great rak wraithraiser! let's beat him together, black turtle!"
"no." bam mutters.
rak's beady eyes narrow. bam doesn't stir at the blank stares he receives in response.
"it's a trap." is all he says in elaboration.
"so what if it's a trap?" rak demands indignantly. "since when have you ever cared about that?"
"since now." he replies easily. "no matter what i do, people get hurt. i should at least have the right to choose who does."
"not that i particularly care either way, but you're not usually a coward, bam." anaak speaks up, and ignores isu's disapproving frown.
"i can kill white." he shrugs. "that's not what i'm worried about. yes it's a trap, but not for me. they're never for me anymore. i guess everyone's figured out it's a waste of time."
"so you're saying the trap is for us?" khun asks, the first thing he's said in a while. bam flinches just barely at the sound of his voice. he doesn't spare him a glance.
"if i said i was going alone, would you let me?"
"well of course not, we're your team, aren't we? we're not gonna let you have all the fun on your own." endorsi smirks, spinning a small stiletto knife between her fingers.
"then i'm not going." he frowns stubbornly. "i go alone or i don't go at all."
the table erupts into protest.
"bam, you can't seriously expect us to—"
"you're not the only one who wants to fight white—"
"damn, so fuck the kids then?" ran mumbles under his breath, which earns him a smack around the back of the head from aguero.
bam stands up with a scrape of his chair and leaves the room. endorsi makes to follow him, but she's stopped by hatz and isu, much to her outrage.
"blue turtle! why didn't you say anything?!" rak demands, pointing an accusing finger at his chest.
"why are you yelling at me?!" khun shoots back, incredulous.
"khun, can you please talk to him?" shibisu sighs, dropping his head on the table.
"and say what? you know what bam's like when he's made his mind up about something." he sighs, tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling. he sounds impossibly tired, although it's only a little past midday.
"since when was team meditator added to my list of responsibilities anyways? isn't that your job?"
shibisu doesn't reply to that. khun steals a glance over at him.
"i can't stretch that far anymore, khun." he says quietly, with a rueful expression that makes him look both older and younger than he is.
"sure, isu. i'll talk to him."
i'm losing him too. he doesn't say.
khun stays in the conference room after everyone leaves, giving a half-hearted excuse about needing to finish some reports that no one is in the mood to call him out on.
hwaryun is less subtle, standing firmly rooted at the head of the table and boring a hole through him with her visible eye.
"what did he to say to bam?" khun demands as soon as the door clicks shut.
"i relayed to you what white demanded—"
"you left something out." he cuts in impatiently. "bam isn't afraid of white nor is he afraid of losing. it doesn't make sense, he wouldn't abandon even one hostage, let alone 200. there's another catch."
"you're very perceptive, khun." the red witch's lips tilt up in amusement. "but not as perceptive as i hoped, unfortunately."
"what are you—"
"bam is very afraid of losing. i'd go as far as to say it's his biggest fear." she hums, watching the door intently as if bam was standing on the other side.
"what, the fight?" khun furrows his eyebrows in bewilderment. "it's not like he hasn't fought white before—"
"never the fight, khun." she mutters. she doesn't elaborate before making her exit.
*
no one sees bam for the rest of the day.
khun busies himself with researching the next floor test— when bam wants to talk he'll make himself easy to find.
he starts his hunt after nightfall, and doesn't have to search for long before he hears a familiar melody.
soft, barely audible, but deafening in the silence of night.
"you'll have to play me that song one day."
bam is sat on the veranda, tracing constellations that may not even exist in the inky blanket overhead.
"if only." he half laughs. "i don't even know where i heard it. maybe i made it up."
"you're not telling me something." khun says. he meant to ease into it, but bam never liked beating around the bush anyways.
"must have got it from you."
khun scoffs. "i see you caught an attitude too."
his mouth curves up in a small smile. "i learned from the best."
"flattery isn't gonna get you out of this, bam." khun huffs, stepping down to sit beside the brunette on the porch steps. "you told hwaryun not to tell me, and she humoured you because whatever white said was about me." it should be a question, but khun is hardly wrong about these things, especially when it concerns bam.
bam stiffens, but he doesn't confirm or deny.
"i'm right, aren't i?" he presses.
"...he said i have to bring you with me." bam whispers after a while. "that's the only way he'll let the orph—, um, hostages go. you have something of his, apparently."
khun exhales heavily, leaning back on his hands and tilting his head to the night sky.
"alright. then i'll go." he says plainly.
bam jumps up as if he's just been scolded with hot water. "NO! no no you won't." he sounds more hurt than angry.
"i've dealt with white, remember? i can handle myself fine—"
"no, khun-ssi. it's not the same. he— you just can't." bam shakes his head furiously, clenching his fists tight enough to pierce skin.
"i can't? or you won't let me?" khun says slowly. there's nothing to be detected in his tone, which bam decides is worse.
"fine, khun-ssi." he scowls. his eyes almost burn in the cover of night. "i won't let you."
khun raises an eyebrow. "and why is that?"
"because! it's white!" bam is growing increasingly frustrated, and if the shadowy shinsu collecting around him is any indication, this is not a fight khun should pick.
"do you seriously think he'd just want to talk to you and not try anything funny? he's a slayer, khun, what are you gonna do if he tries to kill you? throw a lighthouse at him?"
khun shouldn't take offence that. he knows bam means well, and most of all that he's right, but maybe that's why the shards that bury themselves in his chest cut even deeper.
"throw a lighthouse at him, bam? that's all i'm good for?" he laughs emptily.
bam's eyes widen in horror. "khun, i didn't mean—"
"you're right anyways." the lightbearer shrugs, standing up from the veranda and dusting himself off.
"i'm sorry! i didn't mean that at all, i'm sorry—" bam pleads, grabbing onto khun's sleeve to stop him from leaving.
"they're kids, bam." khun frowns. "you care more than you're letting yourself."
he brings his hand up to catch a stray tear on his knuckle before it has a chance to roll down the irregular's cheek. "you'll be over this by morning. then we'll go kick his ass or whatever, okay?"
he wiggles his arm free in an attempt to escape the near-heartbroken expression displayed on bam's moonlit features— to little avail, he's sure it'll haunt him for the next week at the least. he wants to pull him close, kiss his furrowed brow, wipe the tears from his face and promise him everything will be fine and no one will get hurt and no one else will die, but he can't promise that, so he doesn't.
"goodnight, bam. sleep well."
how hypocritical. as if he'll get a wink of sleep himself.
*
khun emerges from his room the next morning to find a pair of fug elders, and more confusingly, a team of unknown and rather frightening-looking regulars standing in their living room.
"what. who the fuck are they?" he grumbles. it's too early in the morning for pleasantries and the light bearer is running on no caffeine and barely 40 minutes of sleep.
"khun." shibisu laughs nervously. "just, be calm, okay?"
"forget it, isu, you already know he's gonna flip his shit." hatz' voice comes muffled from a mouthful of toast.
"please, my love, i've already spent an hour trying to calm the princess down,"
"can you just explain?" khun snaps impatiently.
as if on cue, (khun wouldn't be surprised if she had planned it) hwaryun enters the room with bam in tow. he can tell immediately from bam's body language that something is wrong, and not just from the fact he won't look him in the eye.
"the fug elders have come to a decision." she says smoothly, nodding at each of the cloaked figures. "bam will agree to white's terms. or at least, that is the illusion we are hoping to achieve."
khun's eyes narrow. he has a feeling he knows where this is going.
she continues. "white has proven himself to be troublesome and unmanageable,"
"understatement of the year."
"—and is thus a liability to fug and it's image. he'll be put back in hibernation. bam will be the one to capture him, along with a team fug has hand picked to assist him. no one from his original team is to interfere."
all eyes are on khun, save for one golden pair which stay glued to the carpet.
he's sure they're expecting him to argue, lash out, and he probably should, but he can't find the strength to open his mouth.
he barely has the strength to stand, every muscle in his body lead-heavy.
perhaps he should go back to bed.
he manages a smile. it can't be very convincing, but it's all he can scrape together for now. "good luck, then."
he turns and leaves.
*
it's been a few days since bam left on his 'cease and desist mission' and khun has barely been out of his room since.
he's not sulking. he's a grown man. he doesn't sulk, despite whatever everyone else says.
he's just been busy doing stuff lightbearer's do, because he's still a lightbearer, even if bam doesn't need him
there's heavy pounding on his door. "BLUE TURTLE!!!"
khun groans, dropping his head onto his keyboard and messing up whatever email he was in the middle of typing.
"GO AWAY GATOR!"
"NO!" he snorts indignantly, followed by another loud thump that shakes the doorframe. "COME OUT AND STOP SULKING!!"
"I'M NOT—" he cuts himself off, refusing to have this argument for the 15th time. "i am busy. leave me alone."
"you didn't eat yesterday and you skipped breakfast and lunch today! if you don't come out i'll tell black turtle!" there's another series of loud thumps.
"break my door again alligator and i swear to all hell i'll break your ankles."
"hmphh! you can try!" he bellows.
there's shuffling from inside the room, before the door is opened by a sleep deprived and largely unimpressed khun.
"what. do you want." he grits out.
rak stares at him for a few long seconds, before shaking his head in exasperation. "stupid turtle. black turtle isn't replacing us."
khun ignores the bile that rises to his throat and makes to close the door. rak sticks a scaly foot in the gap before it can shut.
"he's just stupid like you! you know why he did it!"
"yeah, because we're weighing him down." he scoffs. "i don't blame him."
rak kicks him in the shin.
"OW! BASTARD!"
"black turtle will tell you himself when he comes back." rak huffs. "and then you'll see how dumb you are. come and eat chicken."
the spearbearer spins around and patters down the hallway.
khun sighs and begrudgingly follows after him. he doesn't feel like having to replace another door anytime soon.
"woah, a.a, you look like shit." ran comments helpfully as soon as khun enters the kitchen.
aguero doesn't deign to respond to that, instead swipes the younger khun's drink and gulps down the rest of it. it's too sweet and feels like battery acid down his throat, but ran looks adequately irritated and so he decides it was worth it.
"KHUN, MY LOVE—"
"say another word and i'm going back to my room." khun grumbles, taking the cling wrap off of a plate on the side and sticking it into the microwave.
"cheery as always, khun." endorsi snorts. khun shoots her a glare. she doesn't seem in the best of moods herself, but he bites his tongue. he'd rather not speak to anyone for longer than he has to.
"go easy on him, old woman. he's in a mood because bam's dumped us for that other team." anaak mumbles into her cup and is promptly attacked by the princess.
"he hasn't dumped us, anaak!" shibisu says hurriedly, attempting to pacify endorsi and hopefully khun, who looks more and more like he's contemplating homicide with every passing second. "we're just on a break! he still loves us very much—"
"isn't that what you said about—"
"can someone pass the pepper?" hockney asks calmly.
"sure." novick shrugs, reaching over the table to hand it to him.
"yeah, don't worry, earrings." hatz smirks slightly. "i bet he's not even getting cuddles from that other lightbearer."
khun drops his fork onto his plate with a clink and stands up to leave.
even isu doesn't dare to try and stop him when he catches the frighteningly blank expression on his face.
"did you have to add insult to injury, hatz?"
*
when bam returns just over a week later, he's surprised at the welcoming party he receives.
he was expecting everyone to still be upset with him, so the streamers and balloons throw him off a little (he suspects that some of the team just wanted an excuse to drink) but he appreciates the sentiment nonetheless.
he receives a few slurred reprimands— he spends at least 20 minutes profusely apologising to endorsi alone, though luckily for him, drunk people are pretty forgiving.
he'll probably need to do this all again in the morning anyways, but he'll do it as many times as he needs to.
he can't enjoy the celebrations though, not when the person he wants to see most is nowhere to be found.
"he planned this, you know." a familiar voice says just loud enough to be heard over the music.
"it was my idea, of course, but khun got all the decorations and snacks and everything. he even helped set up." isu appears surprisingly sober for someone who was just having a dance battle with hockney and anaak to 'ding dong the witch is dead' not even 10 minutes prior.
bam feels as though his lungs are filled with water, every intake of breath more difficult than the last. his guilt has done nothing but gnaw away at him for the past fortnight; he's barely been able to look rak in the eye. he doesn't think he'll be able stand in front of khun without shattering into a million pieces.
"he'll forgive you."
"he shouldn't." bam manages. he hopes the music is loud enough to disguise how his voice breaks.
"maybe not." isu shrugs. "but he wants to."
shibisu glances at something over bam's shoulder and suddenly begins to make his retreat. "good luck, bam. catch you later."
bam gives isu a weak parting smile. he knows exactly who's behind him.
"black turtle."
bam winces, turning around slowly. rak, being in his compressed form, barely comes up to bam's waist, yet the irregular looks like a misbehaving child about to be berated by their parent.
"rak, i'm—"
"hmph! don't apologise to me, turtle!" rak reprimands. "i know i'm your true leader, but blue turtle has been sulking around all sad and saying stupid things that aren't true! go knock some sense into him before i do!"
"...will he even want to talk to me?"
rak snorts like bam had just said the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. "blue turtle always wants to talk you. you're both as stupid as eachother."
*
"khun-ssi?"
khun goes impossibly still, his heart skipping a beat or two at the sound of the irregular's voice muffled through the wooden door.
he opens his mouth to answer and swiftly decides against it; he doesn't know what his voice will sound like if he tries to speak right now.
bam knocks this time, lightly, as if he doesn't even want it to be heard.
"khun-ssi? he tries again. he sounds no more confident this time than the last. "i— can i talk to you?"
"i'm busy at the moment, bam." khun hopes his tone is even.
'i'm not avoiding him. i am busy.' he rationalises with himself, despite the fact all he has to show for it is a title and a series of frustrated keyboard smashes.
he hears a defeated sigh from the other side of the door, and waits to hear footsteps disappearing down the hallway.
he doesn't hear them. almost 15 minutes pass and they still don't come, just soft rustling every 5 or minutes.
"just come in, bam."
he seems to hesitate for a few seconds, but the door soon cracks open and the brunette shuffles in.
he's just as beautiful as he was when khun last saw him.
khun buries the thought and shifts his gaze to an unassuming scratch on the wall instead.
bam flounders for a bit before coming up with anything coherent, and even then what he comes out with isn't exactly profound. "you're angry with me."
khun thinks about lying and eventually dismisses the idea. "i am." he nods once.
"i'm sorry." bam blurts out, almost reflexively. "i missed you."
khun frowns like he doesn't believe him.
"i'm sorry. do you want me to go?" he asks weakly.
"you can stay." he shrugs, and the wave controller looks a little less like he's about to burst into tears. "but i have work to finish, so i won't be the most entertaining company."
bam smiles gratefully. "it's okay." you could never be bad company. he almost says, but he wonders if it'd be appropriate with all things considered.
bam curls up towards the foot of khun's bed and watches him with round guilty eyes, not unlike a dog with its tail between its legs.
khun tries to ignore him, he really does, but he quickly remembers why he can never stay mad at bam for long.
he rolls his eyes. "come up here, then."
bam beams, crawling up the mattress to rest his head on the pillow. he doesn't ease up on staring however, in fact, it's indisputably worse since khun can now see him in his peripheral.
he lasts about 30 seconds with bam's amber gaze unabashedly trained on his face before pushing the lighthouse and keyboard aside in defeat. a shift in position and he's lying face to face to bam.
he evidently has no choice but to humour him. "yes, bam?"
"i killed white."
khun blinks. "killed? not captured?" he asks slowly.
bam shakes his head firmly. "not captured or injured or inactive. killed. i made sure he was dead, properly this time." bam speaks with a near-unsettling lack of expression or emotion, it's foreign and yet strangely familiar all at once. "fug was furious. is furious. they've put me on 'house arrest' for the few next months."
"you were told to capture him alive, bam, why did you kill him?" khun is more curious than he is exasperated; bam doesn't particularly like following instructions, but he usually will unless it's something he feels very strongly against.
bam doesn't answer immediately, however, dragging his eyes away from khun's sapphire ones to trace a pattern on the pillow.
"he said he'd kill you." he whispers. "when i fought him back at the cat tower."
and suddenly, everything clicks. khun wants to kick himself for not piecing it together sooner.
"he said he'd kill you and take your soul. he wouldn't even eat it straight away." he laughs hollowly. "he'd just make sure he made it painful— make sure i was watching. something creepy about 'anguished souls being more delicious' or something like that."
"sounds like him." khun snorts.
"i thought i beat him back then. so when he came back and he started asking for you, i got scared. i realised he could actually do it, and i wouldn't be strong enough to stop him hurting you or—" he chokes on the word, as if he can't even bear the thought.
"you're not weak. not at all. i'd never think that of you, khun-ssi." bam desperately insists. "you can look after yourself, i know that, but i just—" he exhales shakily, dipping his head to bury his face in khun's chest.
"...i want to. protect you i mean, even if you don't need me to. i want you to need me to."
khun's heartbeat thumps faster in the irregular's ears, and he keeps going before he loses his sudden bravery.
"someone told me i was like a black hole once. they're right i think. i destroy everything around me, whether i mean to or not. the closer i get—" he clings onto the back of khun's shirt until his knuckles turn white. he doesn't remember when khun's arms ended up around him, but he thinks about how selfish he is. how he wants to keep this, keep khun, even though he can already see the charred edges he's left in his wake.
"sometimes i-, i wish i could put you somewhere far away, where only i can go, and no one could hurt you, or take you away from me...is that bad of me?" he whispers, as if it's a secret, as if he'd be dragged away and burned at the stake if anyone was to hear of it.
khun smiles fondly.
"yeah." he exhales. "but i guess we're just as bad as eachother."
bam's next words are stolen as his chin is tilted up and a gentle kiss is pressed to his lips.
bam blanks, forgets how to breathe— maybe all he's ever known is this— and by the time khun's lips leave his, the irregular knows exactly what he wants.
"i'll kill jahad." bam exhales, softly but adamantly.
khun can't help but be the tiniest bit amused—it's the last response he could have expected, but what is bam if not unpredictable?
"—but not for them. i'll kill jahad, but first i'll kill fug." he brings a hand up, calloused and dusted in plum-coloured bruises, to tuck a stray wisp of hair behind khun's ear.
"then i'll tear this tower down with my own hands. start over from the beginning." he promises. an aurelian inferno unlike one khun's ever seen flickers enchantingly in his irises.
"...will you come with me?" he watches khun's expression nervously, every torturous second widening the pit in his stomach.
khun grins, so brightly bam suddenly realises this is the first smile he's seen reach the lightbearer's eyes in a long time.
"to hell and back, bam."
are you that blue light?
are you that blue light?
are you?