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Guilt weighed heavy on his shoulders. He started the apocalypse, more than once, killed dozens of innocent people. Even someone as big as Sam began to crumble under the weight of all that guilt and self loathing.
It wasn’t something Dean knew about, as Sam is good at faking smiles, and the older brother would only tell him to suck it up and bury it. Dean didn’t suspect a thing. He didn’t know what Sam did when he left, the thoughts Sam had when alone, the thoughts that kept him up at night.
“Dammit, Sam,” He mumbled to himself, “Don’t be such a damn baby.”
The world would be better off without me…no one loves the freak with the demon blood…Besides Dean…maybe Cas, too, probably not. Dean couldn’t live without Sam, and he’d be absolutely devastated…That thought made Sam stop dead in his tracks every time.
Dean went hunting without him, just a small hunt, as Sam was too tired. Castiel decided to check in on the Winchesters, having not seen them in a couple weeks. The angel travels the world in his free time.
Castiel searched the bunker, searching for any sign of his favorite humans, and found no one, save for Sam. The younger hunter sat on his bed, a gun in his hand, mumbling to himself.
“Dammit,” Sam mumbled, “Fuck…”
He brought the gun near his head.
“Sam?” Castiel interrupted.
Sam jumped, then put the gun down and looked at the angel.
“H…hey, Cas,” He said, “What are you doing here?”
“I came to visit you and Dean,” Castiel answered, “What are you doing with that gun?”
“Uh…nothing.”
The angel peered at him. “I get the sense that you’re lying”
Sam whimpered and looked away.
“What’s the matter?” Castiel approached him, “Are you in pain?”
“No…yes.”
“Where? Tell me where…maybe I can heal it.”
Sam shook his head.
“You can’t heal this.”
“Why not?”
The hunter stared at the angel.
“It’s not physical pain,” Castiel figured, “You are in emotional distress.”
“You could say that?”
“Why?”
“Do you know what I’ve done?” Sam began, “The people I’ve let down, hurt, killed? Because of me. I’d be doing everyone a favor…”
“You help more than you hurt,” Castiel interrupted, “You are good, Sam. Why can’t you see what I see?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Of course not,” Castiel answered, “Give me your hand.”
Sam put out his hand. Castiel grabbed it and held it in his own. The hunter turned away, blushing.
“You are special to me,” Castiel said.
“Special?”
“Yes,” The angel said, “I…have grown to care very deeply for you. I love you.”
“You…love me?”
Castiel touched the back of Sam’s neck, causing the hunter to flinch.
“Don’t worry, Sam. I care deeply for Dean as well, but I don’t…”
Sam cut him off with a gentle kiss. Why he kissed the angel, he didn’t know. Castiel took the gun and put it aside.
“Please don’t do it,” The angel begged, “Please, talk to me.”
“Don’t tell Dean, okay?”
“All right. But please…talk to me when you are hurting, or when you just want to talk. I will listen.”
Dean returned to the bunker, exhausted and carrying a pie he bought from the store, to find Sam and Castiel lying on Sam’s bed, arms wrapped around each other, and Sam’s head nuzzled against Cas’s chest.
“Uh…Cas?”
The angel opened his eyes. “Hmm?”
What are you doing with my brother?” Dean whispered.
“I am laying with him.”
“Yes, I see that. But why?”
“Because…he is upset.”
“Why’s he upset?”
“He asked me not to tell you.”
“So he tells you,” Dean demanded, still whispering.
“Sam feels you would tell him to, I believe he said, ‘suck it up and deal with it’.”
“Why’s he telling you, then?”
“Because I love him.”
Dean became offended. “And I don’t?”
“Of course you do,” Castiel said, “Anyone can see that. But I love Sam in a different way.”
The older hunter stared for a moment in confusion, until he got it.
“Oh,” He said, “Well, Cas…you…LOVE Sam.”
“Yes.”
“So, are you and him…”
“Dean!” Sam said urgently as he woke up.
He pulled away from Cas and sat up.
“Hey, Sammy.”
“It’s not what it looks like,” Sam defended, then saw Castiel’s face, “What did he tell you?”
“That you’re upset,” Dean answered, “But he won’t tell me why.”
Sam took a deep breath and began to explain. “Cas caught me with a gun to my head.”
“What?” Dean freaked, “Why would you...?”
“You would tell me to suck it up,” He continued, “Well, I tried. It’s the guilt I can’t take.”
Sam wiped a tear from his eye, while Dean put an arm around him.
“I know I’m not good with feelings and stuff,” Dean said, “But, next time you want to put a gun to your head…talk to me.”
The younger brother smiled. “That’s what Cas told me.”
Dean laughed.
“So Cas, huh?”
“What?”
“Come on,” Dean chuckled, “You two were wrapped in each other’s arms, and you want me to believe you’re just friends?”
Sam inched toward the angel.
“If I told you we were…together…would you be angry?”
“Does it matter?” Dean figured, “You two would be together regardless.”
“That doesn’t answer my question,” Sam said.
“No, I’m not angry,” The older brother answered, “Besides, Cas told me he loved you while you were asleep. It’s a bit weird, Cas being one of my closest friends and all…”
“I mean, Cas is a guy…technically.”
“Yeah?” Dean asked, “And? Come on, Sammy. I mean, I always kind of had a feeling about you.”
“Dean I’m not gay,” Sam defended, “Not…really.”
The older brother smiled. “Yeah. Just, be good to each other, okay?”
Sam and Castiel both nodded.