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Chapter Text

Thirteen years of nothing were a long time, but for Wei Wuxian it had been literally nothing. One day he was filled with resentful energy, completely under the influence of the Yin Tiger Seal, and the next one he was waking up in a stranger’s body, confused, weak and being asked for revenge. Thirteen years, and the world had carried on. He was thrown back to his past suddenly with the arrival of the Lan clan juniors, clad in their white and blue attires, their neat forehead ribbons proudly representing one of the greatest sects. 

Lan Zhan. He had thought for a moment. But the world had carried on, and so would have Lan Wangji, who probably resented and hated him for everything he had done. He helped the juniors, but once Lan Xichen appeared on the scene, he left, escaping the memories and feelings he had buried deep under the resentful energy.

With only a donkey as his companion, he felt quite bereft of where to go, what to do. That Mo Xuanyu was way too weak for him to be able to cultivate properly in his new body, so Wei Wuxian wandered aimlessly, escaping everything and everyone that reminded him of everything he had lost.

He had never had the best of luck, thus, he ended up bumping into Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling, who had grown up, no longer the helpless little baby he had left orphaned. He managed to flee, to avoid them again and again and play the crazy card in front of Jiang Cheng, who already seemed suspicious of him. He could see the pain, the grief, the fury in those same eyes that had once regarded him as a brother.

Lan Xichen had intervened in his favor a couple of times, having apparently known Mo Xuanyu from his time in Jinlintai. Just a Yiling Laozu admirer, Zewu-jun had said with a pitiful smile while regarding him. Nothing else. Mo Xuanyu had played along with it and had managed to get away, be free of suspicion, with the great Sect Leader Lan vouching for him. 

But where’s Lan Zhan?

Months passed and, without meaning to, he kept getting closer and closer to Gusu. Unconsciously, he searched for the one he had once considered a friend and had ended up an enemy in every person dressed in white he saw. But they were never him. He passed dozens of cultivators, but never him. Hanguang-jun, the light bearer, he who went where the trouble was… Where was he? And why was nobody talking about him?

Even when he reached Gusu territory, Zewu-jun was in everybody’s mouth, being talked and praised. But never his brother, never Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian dared not to ask, not wanting to draw attention to himself. If something had happened, Mo Xuanyu would have known. Everybody would have known. He could not ask that without bringing unwanted attention onto himself.

What if something had indeed happened, though? Wei Wuxian’s stomach dropped, and his heart hurt just thinking about the possibility of Lan Wangji not existing anymore. As if his whole existence had been but a wild dream of his. It simply could not be. If Wei Wuxian was the dark, Lan Wangji was the light; every Yin needed its Yang. Even when in friendship, they constantly antagonized each other; Wei Wuxian drew a delirious satisfaction of seeing that stoic boy riled up and angry. Could it be true that the world had been devoid of its light?

He made his way towards Yunmeng, focusing on Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling. He observed them from afar, his heart aching. He had ruined both of their lives in his strive to save the Wens. To save what he considered right. He had many regrets, and while standing for what was right was not one of them, the pain he had caused to those he loved weighed heavily in his heart. Seeing the little gestures in Jiang Cheng’s actions that denoted his care for the Jin boy, and the way Jin Ling in his turn would confide and lean on his uncle, warmed and soothed the pain in Wei Wuxian’s heart slightly. He had been given another chance, and he would not pain those who he had loved and still loved dearly once more.

A few more months passed, and he found himself back in Gusu, nearing the town of Caiyi. He could see the mountains where Cloud Recesses were, hidden away in the clouds. And although part of him wanted to go up there and ask, he knew he would not be welcome.

He stayed down with the villagers, noting that some of the inns he had visited in his youth were now closed or had changed owners. He tasted the dishes that he had once disliked and found they reminded him of a simpler time in his life, in which his only worries were to have fun and cultivate to be Jiang Cheng’s right-hand man. 

He observed the children playing around the town and thought of A-Yuan, of what that little radish could have become if Wei Wuxian hadn’t made an enemy of himself, if he had handled things with more diplomacy, like everyone had urged him to. He did not have any money, so he slept under the stars a bit away from the town, talking nonsense to his faithful donkey companion as he reminisced his past life.

It was not strange to see cultivators from the Lan clan wandering around Caiyi, especially the youngest ones, who were eager to get out of those walls full of rules. However, it was a bit stranger to see the Clan Leader walk the streets and quite the crowd gathered to observe him. Wei Wuxian followed the crowd and observed Lan Xichen as he bowed and accepted gifts from the people before entering one of the inns with a couple of young disciples.

Wei Wuxian, without thinking much, slipped inside the inn from the back door, trying not to be seen, and walked upstairs towards the private rooms, where Lan Xichen was probably having his meal. Without asking for permission, he entered the occupied room and found himself face to face with Lan Xichen and the two disciples, who stared at him surprised. One of the youngsters shot up on his feet and pointed his sword at him.

“You! Who do you think you are, to intrude on Zewu-jun like that?” The boy spat, glaring fiercely. The other young boy stood up and tried to calm him, seeing as Lan Xichen didn’t seem particularly alarmed. 

“Jingyi, do not worry. Please sit down. Mo-gongzi, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

Wei Wuxian eyed the young ones wearily before asking Zewu-jun to see him in private. Lan Xichen, as cordial and benevolent as ever, indulged in what he probably thought were a crazy man’s stupidities, and asked his disciples to wait for them outside. Wei Wuxian then sat down in front of Zewu-jun, who continued to sip his tea with an amiable smile.

“Zewu-jun, this might be very inconsiderate and rude but… May I ask about your brother’s whereabouts?”

Lan Xichen’s gaze darkened suddenly, as if overcome with a great sorrow. The knot in Wei Wuxian’s stomach grew tighter, preparing for the worst. The Lan leader, however, said nothing for a while; he simply stared at his tea cup pensively, as if his mind had travelled very far away from that inn.

When he spoke again, his voice was lower so as not to be overheard.

“So it is indeed you, Wei-gongzi.”

Wei Wuxian’s blood froze, and his eyes scanned the room to prepare the fastest getaway. However, his legs wouldn’t respond, he was glued to the seat with a gaping mouth. Lan Xichen’s eyes continued sorrowful, but his mouth drew a small smile.

“I must ask you to accompany me to Cloud Recesses, please.”

“First,” Wei Wuxian said, “how..?”

“The first clue, was, of curse, demonic cultivation. However, there have been many copycats since your demise, so it was nothing too damning. Sect Leader Jiang’s Zidian did not dispel your soul from Mo-gongzi’s body, so that made me doubt, but there are many ways to summon someone without it being a possession. Summoning the Ghost General was another clue, of course, that left barely any doubt in my mind. But… Still, I doubted. Wei-gongzi coming here and asking me about Wangji was the last inkling I needed to be sure.”

They made their way up to Cloud Recesses on foot, despite the complaining of the disciple called Lan Jingyi. The other boy, who had introduced himself as Lan Sizhui, remembered him from the Mo manor incident, and kept Wei Wuxian in a light conversation for the main part of the journey. Wei Wuxian didn’t dare ask further about Lan Wangji, especially not to the young disciples, who continued to think he was Mo Xuanyu.

Cloud Recesses, despite the added rules to the walls, continued the same as Wei Wuxian remembered. Despite having been burnt down by the Wens, the Lans had rebuilt it again, and it looked as glorious as it had always been.

Lan Xichen led him towards the Hanshi. Wei Wuxian had been expecting immediate punishment, thus, he was quite shocked when the Sect Leader simply invited him for tea. He invited him to sit down with a smile and poured tea for the both of them. The silence permeated the room while they sipped the tea, Wei Wuxian anxious to break it and ask again. Why had he been brought there? Why was he not being punished for the crimes he had committed before dying? For all the people he had killed?

“Wei-gongzi, I have a favour to ask of you.”

“A favour? From me?”

Lan Xichen nodded.

“My brother needs a caretaker. My uncle and I do everything we can for him, but he requires someone who is always by his side, and we are often burdened by our sect duties. If you have no other arrangements or things to do, I would like to ask that to be you. Wangji is uncomfortable with strangers.”

Wei Wuxian felt like he was missing part of the story, like Lan Xichen was only telling him half of the information he needed. Why did Lan Wangji require a caregiver? The Lan Wangji he knew was proud to a fault, independent. What could have happened to leave him in a state in which he required assistance?

Lan Xichen showed him the quarters he would be staying in, a simple, austere small room next to the service quarters. His duties would only be to serve Lan Wangji in everything he needed, from morning to night-fall. Nothing else. Food would be provided, and he had a roof to sleep under, which was more than he had had the past few months. It seemed enough, and he would be allowed to go under Mo Xuanyu’s name, which was what he wanted. A new life, a simpler one. And he would be allowed to be with one person he had at least cared for as a friend in his past life.

Lan Xichen then, at last, brought him to Lan Wangji’s quarters, the Jingshi. It was Wei Wuxian’s first time seeing it, and he was surprised by the simple beauty of it, the way it was surrounded by the bamboo and gentian flowers, which filled the air with their smell. The door was half-ajar, letting the air flow. Lan Xichen, however, announced himself, and entered before Wei Wuxian was allowed to.

He could hear the muted voices of Lan Xichen, but he could not make out his words. His heart was beating loudly in his ears, making it even harder to eavesdrop. His palms sweated, and he breathed deeply to calm himself down.

Lan Xichen fetched him and asked him to enter, his smile a bit more strained. Inside, the Jingshi was as Wei Wuxian expected Lan Wangji’s quarters to be: austere, clean and tidy, everything in its place. There were quite a few cushions surrounding the low table in the center, but they were arranged neatly. However, there was no Lan Wangji.

Lan Xichen led him across the main room and towards the sleeping quarters that were separated by almost sheer curtains, which Lan Xichen pushed apart to let Wei Wuxian in. Inside, there was a bed in which Lan Wangji lay.

The man was, as usual, dressed in white, but his clothes seemed utilitarian and less fancy than those Wei Wuxian was used to. They seemed to consist only of an under-robe and just another layer of white, silk clothing, with no fine embroidering or patterns. The Gusu Lan forehead ribbon was neatly tied on his head, but he lacked the usual hairstyle and guan he had favoured in his youth; instead, half of his hair was tied in a loose ponytail that got lost in the inky black sea with the rest of the hair.

Lan Wangji had been known for his alabaster skin, but his face now looked pale and a bit gaunt. His lips were white and dry, and his eyes lacked the shine, the drive that had characterized him. The golden glow had been extinguished to a pale light brown. His whole body had seemed to have shrunk, his clothes hanging from him instead of being worn.

Wei Wuxian felt a knot in his throat and his eyes welled up with tears he did not spill. He clenched his fists and bit his own lip to not cry, to not lash out and ask, demand what had happened, why it seemed like life had been sucked out from Lan Wangji. Why the one in front of him seemed nothing more than a shell of the one he had known as Lan Zhan.

“Wangji, this is-”

“Mo Xuanyu.” Offered Wei Wuxian, cutting Lan Xichen, who raised his eyebrows at him before furrowing them and pursuing his lips.

Lan Wangji had always been a man of few words, but now it seemed like he was even more reluctant to speak. He just looked at his brother with a frown, probably wondering why Lan Xichen had brought a stranger to his house.

Maybe this had all been a mistake. Maybe he should just leave.

“Right… Mo Xuanyu… Mo-gongzi will be your caretaker. He will be at your disposal at all times, especially when Shufu or I are away. Of course, if we are here, you can always ask for us, Wangji, remember this.” 

Lan Wangji nodded and looked at Wei Wuxian once again, a questioning gaze in his eyes. Then, the man sighed deeply and laid down against the pillows, his eyes trained on the ceiling above.

“Are you tired? We will let you rest. I will brief… Mo-gongzi on what you often need. If you need anything, call for us.” Lan Xichen briefly caressed his brother’s hand with a sad smile before getting up and leading Wei Wuxain outside.

Lan Wangji had tried to save him, said Lan Xichen. For that, he had gone against 33 Lan elders and injured them. As punishment, he had been flogged by the discipline whip 33 times, one for each elder. He had endured it until the thirtieth whip, when he had finally crumbled, unconscious. It took days for him to wake up, being constantly under the healer’s care and being passed spiritual energy by Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren until they too had to rest to replenish. They kneeled by Lan Wangji’s bed day and night and when he finally woke up, they were rejoiced.

But Lan Wangji never fully recovered from those injuries. Even once the injuries had healed, Lan Wangji was not able to walk or barely move his legs He lost sensibility, and he often had trouble with his arms too. Some days it seemed that Lan Wangji, who had once been so strong and tough, had given up on life. He refused to eat or talk, simply staying in bed with his eyes open, gazing at nothing.

“We believe… That his golden core was weakened after all those injuries and having to heal himself, thus, it could not heal everything. Since then… He has been unwilling to cultivate, so his golden core has remained weakened and has grown even smaller with time. He refuses our help regarding that matter. If he is going to listen to anybody, it will be you, Wei-gongzi.”

Wei Wuxian was left floored by the new information, trying to digest that if Lan Wangji was in that state, it was because of him. Because he had tried to save him while Wei Wuxian had, in his madness, scorned him. Had told him to leave. To leave him alone. Lan Xichen left him to think it over. He would be free to go at any time, but if he stayed, Lan Xichen would make sure he was safe and taken care of. The only price to pay was to be Lan Wangji’s caretaker.

What a bargain, thought Wei Wuxian. He put Lan Wangji in that position. He should not have a choice. He did not; morally, he had to stay. He owed to him. He made sure to inform the Lan Sect Leader of his decision, and Lan Xichen looked pleased, relieved. Wei Wuxian only asked him for one thing: he did not wish for LWJ to know who he really was. He wanted to keep his anonymity as Mo Xuanyu.

Lan Xichen pursued his lips and furrowed his eyebrows, but agreed. He did not understand Wei Wuxian’s motives for withholding such information from his brother, but Wei Wuxian simply did not want to put Lan Wangji through more pain. He wanted to repay all the damage he had done in his previous life.

The next morning, Wei Wuxian’s new life as Mo Xuanyu started. He woke up at mao shi with the rest of the Lans, dressed in his new, pristine Lan clothes (he was no disciple, thus, no forehead ribbon, which he was thankful for) and ate his breakfast while trying not to fall asleep, as he waited for Lan Wangji’s breakfast to be prepared. Then, he made his way to the Jingshi, his hands sweating nervously.

He knocked softly on the door and announced himself, his voice breaking slightly from the nerves. No one inside answered, so he waited for a while, trying to call out again, but to no avail. Eventually, worried that something might have happened, he made his way inside. The Jingshi was as quiet as ever, the trembling light of dawn making it look even calmer than the previous day.

Wei Wuxian left the tray with the food on the low table before he carefully approached the sleeping quarters. He couldn’t hear anything, so he guessed that Lan Wangji might have decided to sleep in, or he simply did not bother with the Lan schedules since he was mostly bedridden.

Contrary to what he expected, though, Lan Wangji was wide awake. The man was slightly propped up on several pillows, still laying under the covers of his bed, but his eyes were wide open, staring at nothing, as if he was just the jade statue he had so often been compared to. Wei Wuxian gulped and approached him, calling out to Lan Wangji again.

“Lan-er-gongzi… Do you wish to eat breakfast? I can bring it to bed, if you so prefer.” It was against the Lan rules to eat in bed, but in Lan Wangji’s case, he would not hold it against him if he decided to make an exception. Lan Wangji, however, continued as if he hadn’t heard anything, his blank stare focused on the window on the opposite wall.

“Lan-er-gongzi,” Wei Wuxian tried again. “You must eat. Should I bring breakfast here?”

Lan Wangji ignored him once more. Wei Wuxian sighed, defeated, feeling his chest constrict at the pitiful image in front of him. He could not conceive what had become of Lan Wangji, and all thanks to him. 

Despite the lack of answers, Wei Wuxian brought the tray with the food to the bedroom and arranged a small beside table for it. He made sure to pour the tea and fan it until it was not scalding hot. He kneeled beside Lan Wangji’s bed, waiting for any instruction, any word, anything. But nothing came.

“Does Lan-er-gongzi wish for this one to help him with breakfast?” Wei Wuxian asked tentatively. But Lan Wangji, once more, was unresponsive. Wei Wuxian endured the silence for as long as he could, feeling the hurt and pain rising with every second that passed. He couldn’t bear to see Lan Wangji like that. It physically pained him.

In the end, Wei Wuxian got up and left the Jingshi, telling Lan Wangji he would be back to aid him in whatever he needed soon. He willed the tears back as he made his way towards the Hanshi, trying to untangle the knot that had formed in his stomach.

Lan Xichen invited him inside, and they had breakfast in companionable silence. Wei Wuxian, not wishing to break the rules so soon, felt compelled to stay silent during the meal. Once they were finished, though, Lan Xichen was the first to ask how it had gone over breakfast with his brother. Wei Wuxian’s tears threatened to spill once again, and if the Sect Leader noticed, he said nothing.

“He did not say anything, nothing at all. He did not want to eat. Well, maybe he did after. I don’t know. But he spoke no word to me.”

Lan Xichen nodded, seemingly unsurprised. He sighed deeply.

“The task I have given you is not easy, Wei-gongzi. Wangji… He was already a man of few words before, but now, he almost doesn’t speak. At first, Shufu and I were worried that, perhaps, his speech had been impaired too, but it is not the case. He simply chooses not to. It has been this way for all these years, and as more time passes, the more reluctant he is to speak and the more he withdraws within himself. I am very worried that, if this continues, he will end up…”

Although Lan Xichen did not voice it, both men knew what he meant. Wei Wuxian clenched his fists on his robes and furrowed deeply. Somehow, Lan Xichen, after seeing what his brother had gone through because of him, had entrusted him in his care once more. Had believed in him, something nobody had done in the past years before he died. He did not want to disappoint him or Lan Wangji.

He was there, by Lan Wangji’s side, once more, at lunchtime. He took away the breakfast dishes, noticing it had barely been touched. But he had eaten, at least he had eaten something. Wei Wuxian smiled slightly at that small triumph and did the same thing with the lunch tray.

It seemed that Lan Wangji had not moved, but Wei Wuxian did notice there was another book on the table and some ink had been ground. He had to have moved. Lan Xichen had informed him that Lan Wangji was capable of moving by himself but that it was incredibly difficult and painful, and some days his legs did not respond at all. Wei Wuxian’s heart ached at the thought of Lan Wangji, as proud as ever, refusing to ask for help, crawling, trying to make his way across the Jingshi.

A few more days followed like that, the same pattern over and over again. Lan Wangji never asked Wei Wuxian for any help, although sometimes Lan Xichen visited him and possibly aided him in changing his clothes or bathing. Those days turned into weeks and those weeks into a month.

Wei Wuxian had more or less gotten used to the grueling Lan sleeping schedules, frustrated that his body was now ready to go to sleep at hai shi when he had been known to be able to pull all-nighters. He had managed to strike tentative friendships with some other service people, especially the ladies and women in the kitchen, who thought him adorable and charming, always making sure to feed him an extra vegetable wonton.

“I knew Lan-er-gongzi before all this… thing happened.” One of the women told him as he helped her clean the dishes that had been used for lunch. The woman, Pei Jiao, sighed deeply, frowning as she shook her head. “I have known him ever since he was a teenager. Oh, he was so proud and strong, so dutiful and filial to his uncle. Now, however, he is barely a shadow of what he had once been. Sect Leader Lan, too, has been greatly worn by the sorrow he feels for his brother. It is said that Lan-er-gongzi got flogged because he tried to protect that demonic cultivator, Wei Wuxian. I wonder what drove Lan-er-gongzi to do such a thing, and if he regrets it now. Truly, such a shame. The whole Jianghu has been robbed of who would have been the greatest cultivator!”

Wei Wuxian pursued his lips and kept quiet, trying not to let those words affect him. He wondered if Pei Jiao would still be as nice to him as she was if she knew the truth of his identity. Probably not. Probably the whole Lan clan would riot and throw him out, if not outright kill him for what he had done to their young master. And they’d be right to. He, Wei Wuxian though morosely, deserved it.

“I have heard Lan-er-gongzi loved the Yiling Laozu! He sacrificed himself out of love.” One of the maids, Luo Liqiu who had just entered the kitchens, chimed in. She was young, a bit younger than Mo Xuanyu, and she was pretty enough. She loved gossiping and always kept Wei Wuxian up to date with the latest Caiyi gossips. “I think it’s a beautiful tale.”

“What a foolish girl!” Exclaimed the cook shaking her head. “Tales, that is all that they are. Even if our Lan-er-gongzi did it out of love, he fell in love with the wrong person. It is a high price to pay for an unrequited love.”

Wei Wuxian’s ears were ringing. Where had they gotten that information? Who was foolish enough to think that someone as rightful as Lan Wangji could ever like, let alone love, someone like Wei Wuxian? He wanted to say as much, but he kept his mouth shut, listening to the women argue about it. Luo Linqiu maintained her posture and ended up leaving the kitchen with a humph.

“Ah, that girl, she’s still too young and foolish to think such things can be true.” Pei Jiao said once the young girl had left. “A-Yu, be sure to remember this. There is no love worth that much pain.”

Wei Wuxian did not answer and as the woman continued talking about some other topic, he felt himself dissociating, his mind reeling with both women’s words. He sacrificed himself out of love. But it could simply not be, he told himself. Lan Wangji had despised him, had frowned on his cultivation methods. For what reason he had fought against his elders for him, Wei Wuxian did not know. But it could simply not be love.

Those words were still running through his mind when he brought dinner to the Jingshi. He found the candles inside had been lit and Lan Wangji was seated on the low table with a grave expression. In front of him were his usual calligraphy supplies, but the usually blank parchment was now ink-splotched. The black ink had soaked part of the parchment and had run onto the table.

Wei Wuxian left the tray in a safe place before scrambling to clean the ink before it stained the wood. Lan Wangji stayed seated, immobile as a jade statue. Once he was sure that all the ink had been cleaned off the wood, Wei Wuxian noticed that Lan Wangji’s sleeves had also been dirtied by it, but the man had simply folded his hands in his lap, not caring about it.

“Lan-er-gongzi, do you mind taking off your outer robe? The sleeves appear to be stained, the sooner we soak them the better.” Wei Wuxian said gently as he kneeled beside Lan Wangji, who continued motionless.

Wei Wuxian had been happy to see him up and about for the first time, even if he was as unresponsive as ever. He had only ever seen him in bed during the whole month he had cared for him, and although he seemed to be eating bigger portions of the meal each day, not much progress had been made despite Wei Wuxian’s insistent coaxing. He had tried to get him to move, promising he would help him if he wanted to visit the back hills, or if he wanted to visit his brother. Lan Wangji had ignored him no matter what he said.

“Lan-er-gongzi, then let me at least take this parchment out of the way to bring the food.”

Lan Wangji did not object, so, slowly and mindful of not touching or bothering him, Wei Wuxian cleaned the table, putting away the soiled parchment and arranging the calligraphy brushes and ink neatly, so they wouldn’t disturb him when eating. He brought him the tray with the usual bland Lan foods, and, also as usual, Lan Wangji did not acknowledge his actions.

Wei Wuxian waited for a few minutes, patiently, in case Lan Wangji wanted something of him, but in the end, he decided it was best to leave. He knew Lan Wangji would not eat with him there, thus, he took his leave, bowing deeply. As he closed the door, he heard the clinking of the chopsticks against the ceramic bowl, and he couldn’t help but smile. Progress, even if slow, was still progress.

Once a week, if the Sect Leader wasn’t away for some short errand, he would have tea with him and bring him up to date about his brother. It was obvious Lan Xichen worried a lot about him, and when he was in Cloud Recesses, he was often visiting him. Lan Qiren also visited him, but Wei Wuxian was careful not to bump into it; it was stupid of him to think Lan Qiren could know who he was, especially when not even Lan Wangji, who had known him better, had realized, but he did not want to take risks.

Once supper was done and he made his way to the Jingshi to collect the leftovers and plates, he noticed the tray had been left outside on the porch along with the soiled inky robes. Lan Wangji had stepped out. Wei Wuxian fought against his desire to enter and see him once more, to tell him he was so happy and proud of him. He had to remind himself that to Lan Wangji he was just Mo Xuanyu, his servant. No one else.

He quickly made his way to the stream to clean Lan Wangji’s robe, but he had no practice in cleaning clothes, it was not something he handled. Thankfully, though, Luo Liqiu found him there and, after laughing at him, told him she would take care of it.

“We have mixtures that help remove stains and whiten clothes, don’t worry. I’ll take good care of Lan-er-gongzi’s clothes.” Luo Liqiu promised as they made their way back towards their quarters. Their rooms were not far from each other, all contained in the quarters reserved for the servants.

“Say, Mo-gege, has Lan Wangji ever spoken to you?” Luo Liqiu asked.

“Not a single word.” Wei Wuxian answered with honesty. “But Lan-er-gongzi was never known for being talkative.”

,

“Well, no, but… I’ve been here for about three years now and I’ve never heard him say anything at all. I wonder… I wonder what he thinks, you know? It must be hard, being bedridden most of the time, but being so morose and staying inside all the time, it can’t be good for him! He will never get better like this.” 

Wei Wuxian nodded, his chest feeling rather heavy with that topic. He knew that, he was terribly aware of that. He had casually mentioned that to Lan Wangji while he was serving him, but he dared not bother him too much about it. The last thing he wanted to be was a nuisance to a pained man.

“You know what Madam Pei told me? Apparently, Lan Wangji used to keep bunnies! You know there are bunnies running wild on the back hills? Well, he used to care for them. Now they just get scraps once in a while but of course, with all the grass available, it’s not like they need them. But yes, they used to be Lan-er-gongzi’s! Can you imagine him, with a bunny? Oh what a sight!” Luo Liqiu laughed with dreamy eyes. “Mo-gege, want to visit them together some day?”

Two days later, Wei Wuxian found himself in the back hills of Cloud Recesses, staring at the sizable amount of bunnies that were munching on grass. Luo Liqiu had squealed delighted at the sight, scaring off some of them, and had rushed to sit on the grass, waiting for the little balls of fluff to approach her. Wei Wuxian imitated her, seating down with a few lettuce leaves and berries to entice them closer.

When Luo Liqiu had mentioned that Lan Wangji had kept rabbits, Wei Wuxian had fondly remembered when he himself had brought him a pair. Those had seemed to spark a liking in Lan Wangji if he then had proceeded to adopt a bunch and keep them on the back hills. He knew pets were not allowed in Cloud Recesses, but maybe, for a pair of bunnies, Lan Wangji would make an exception, once more.

Luo Liqiu helped him catch a pair of them, the ones that had been lured into their laps thanks to the promise of fresh berries. Then, with one each in their arms, they had made their way back.

Wei Wuxian was the only one allowed in the Jingshi, thus, with a bit of difficulty, he made his way there alone with the pair of rabbits in his arms. They didn’t stop wiggling all the way there, and Wei Wuxian knew his hands would end up full of scratches. He announced himself loudly as he was not able to knock, and, with difficulty, he opened the door and let the rabbits free on the floor.

Lan Wangji was once again in his bed, morose and withdrawn. Wei Wuxian bowed to him and approached the bed, kneeling down at a respectable distance. He was nervous but hopeful that the rabbits would brighten Lan Wangji’s disposition, that Wei Wuxian would finally be able to see a glimpse of happiness, that spark of gold he had always seen in Lan Wangji’s eyes.

“Lan-er-gongzi, I am sorry I did not know, I had my arms occupied. I have brought a present for you.” 

Lan Wangji did not acknowledge him, but Wei Wuxian was not deterred. He had been used to keeping one-sided conversations with Lan Wangji in his past life, this one would be no different. He smiled brightly before dragging both bunnies, who struggled again in his grip, towards the sleeping area.

For the first time, Lan Wangji’s head turned. His eyes widened slightly, and his lips parted in surprise. Wei Wuxian felt his heart leap in his chest, his smile widening.

“This one thought Lan-er-gongzi could be feeling quite lonely, so… I brought these bunnies to keep Lan-er-gongzi company!” He showed off the bunnies proudly as they struggled to fre themselves, scratching his already mauled hand.

“Let them go.” Wei Wuxian was so stunned that if took him a few seconds to realize Lan Wangji had spoken to him. The Lan’s voice was hoarse and a bit croaky from disuse, but as deep and soothing as Wei Wuxian remembered it. “You’re hurting them. Let them go.”

Wei Wuxian immediately complied, and the bunnies proceeded to hop around the room, sniffing and getting under the tables and different furniture. Lan Wangji followed them with his eyes before staring at him once more.

Wei Wuxian felt his heart beat against his chest, and shivers ran up and down his spine. Although those eyes were not as bright as the ones he had once known, they were still Lan Wangji’s, he was looking at him, once again. And for a second, Wei Wuxian felt like no time had passed at all, as if they were back in time, and Lan Wangji was about to scold him angrily for bringing alcohol in Cloud Recesses.

He felt his eyes well up with tears and he trembled slightly. Lan Wangji seemed to notice his sudden emotions, and his eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion. Wei Wuxian laughed slightly, to mask his sudden rush of feelings.

“Sorry, Lan-er-gongzi, I did not mean to upset you. These two were quite tricky to get here! Maybe… Maybe Lan-er-gongzi can keep them in the back garden? I can help to take care of them!”

“Pets are not allowed in Cloud Recesses.” Lan Wangji said in a monotone voice, his eyes following the bunnies that roamed around the room.

“Well, I won’t tell if Lan-er-gongzi doesn’t tell.” Wei Wuxian winked at him with a chuckle. Lan Wangji seemed to ponder it for a bit, but ultimately, he nodded.

That night, as he laid in bed, Wei Wuxian let the tears he had been holding in out. He sobbed against the pillow, his heart aching. And yet, he smiled. Lan Wangji had spoken to him, he had finally talked. He had moved, he had acknowledged him, and he had agreed to keep the bunnies. That surely meant that things were finally looking up.

Chapter Text

Lan Xichen summoned him to the Hanshi after he had delivered breakfast to Lan Wangji. He had found the latter already up, sat on the porch in his back garden, gazing at the bunnies who were already munching away some vegetables. Wei Wuxian left the breakfast on the table, smiling as he greeted Lan Wangji, who, surprisingly, turned his head slightly to nod at Wei Wuxian, acknowledging his presence. Wei Wuxian could not help but smile brightly at that, and he kept smiling on his way towards the Hanshi.

“I found my brother in a better mood this morning when I helped him put on his robes. He told me it was your idea to keep a pair of rabbits in his back garden. He seemed… very pleased with that.” Lan Xichen commented with a smile as he poured tea for the both of them.

“Yeah, I thought he could use some company and maybe… Maybe taking care of the rabbits will make him feel useful, you know? The gods know how moody I was whenever I was bedridden with some injury, unable to do anything. I felt useless, you know? Even though, logically, I knew that I had to rest and take care of myself, I just wanted to feel useful. I feel like the bunnies might help Lan Zhan with that. And he loves bunnies, so.”

Lan Xichen nodded, but his gaze fell and he frowned slightly.

“I knew Wei-gongzi would know how to help Wangji. It’s hard, though… I wonder how these things have not occurred to me. I should know my brother best, shouldn’t I? I should be able to take care of Wangji, and yet… I have failed.” Lan Xichen said, in a low, sad voice. Wei Wuxian did not know how to react or what to say. He had pondered on how Lan Xichen, or Lan Qiren, might feel, knowing that the sect they defended and led had done that to their loved one.

Before Wei Wuxian had time to reply, Lan Xichen changed the topic and informed him that he would have to leave for Lanling in a few days. He would try to stay the least amount possible and come back as soon as possible, but he would have to stay at least for a week. Wei Wuxian would have to fully take care of Lan Wangji’s needs if so needed, having to undertake everything Lan Xichen was doing at the moment.

After serving lunch to Lan Wangji, who, once again, acknowledged him with a nod, Wei Wuxian made his way to the back hills. He cut down part of a bamboo tree and made a crude dizi with one of the knives he had borrowed from the kitchen. Its sounds were not as soft and pleasing as Chenqing’s, but it would do for the time being. As he played the flute, a few of the bunnies curiously approached him, either lured by its sound or bothered by it.

“What is that horrible sound?” A voice came from behind him, and he quickly turned around. Two junior disciples were making their way towards him with their arms full of vegetables. He mildly recognized them, never having been very good with faces, but he did remember having helped them back in the Mo manor and then having talked to them on their way to Cloud Recesses. He hadn’t seen them for the whole month he had been there.

“It’s you! I didn’t know you were still here.” Lan Jingyi, the mouthiest of the pair, exclaimed when he saw Wei Wuxian. “Were you the one playing those awful sounds? What kind of dizi is this? From hell?” 

“Jingyi, don’t be rude.” Lan Sizhui chastised softly with an awkward smile towards Wei Wuxian. The older man just waved his hand dismissively and smiled at the pair. The bunnies had by then gathered at their feet, eager to get to the vegetables they were carrying.

“So you’re the ones feeding the bunnies?”

The pair looked at each other with a somewhat guilty face before nodding.

“Sect Leader doesn’t know, but we saw them one day and well…” Lan Sizhui clarified as he petted one of the bunny’s head softly.

“Where do you get all these greens? Haven’t seen you around the vegetable gardens. Hm, I should bring some for Hanguang-jun’s bunnies.” Wei Wuxian said as he got up and dusted himself off the grass that was clinging to his white robes. 

“Hanguang-jun’s bunnies?” Lan Jingyi asked with a raised eyebrow. Wei Wuxian then proceeded to tell them about the pair of bunnies that were now residing in Lan Wangji’s back garden, which left the disciples dumbfounded.

“Ha-Hanguang-jun… Agreed to it?” Lan Sizhui said, his voice low. Then, he smiled softly. “I’m happy to see he is improving.” He seemed to want to say something more, but Lan Jingyi placed a kind hand on his shoulder and they both smiled sadly at each other. After one last head rub for the rabbits, they left for their afternoon lessons and training. Wei Wuxian watched them go, recalling when he himself had taken those same lessons. How bright and hopeful the future had seemed. He wished he could go back and savour that happiness once more, appreciate everything he had had and had now lost.

But I haven’t lost everything, he reminded himself, Lan Zhan is still here.

The days continued mostly the same; Lan Wangji would acknowledge him with a nod and Wei Wuxian was growing more and more chatty by the day, telling Lan Wangji about the new vegetables they would be growing by the kitchens, wondering if the bunnies would like them. The man was often to be found sitting down on the wooden porch, staring at the bunnies as they hopped around the small garden.

They fell into a seamless pattern for those few days before Lan Xichen’s departure, and Wei Wuxian was hopeful that, slowly, Lan Wangji would get better.

After lunch, Luo Liqiu and Wei Wuxian trotted down to Caiyi. They had been asked to deliver some talismans to some shop owners, but then they were free to stay in town to do whatever they liked. Wei Wuxian was the first to suggest getting some food in one of the restaurants he remembered from his youth. He devoured the spiciest dish they had as he bemoaned the blandness of the food in Cloud Recesses. Luo Liqiu herself tried for the first time such spicy food and had Wei Wuxian keeling over with laughter with her reaction.

“Here, here, drink some more, it’ll go away faster.” Wei Wuxian offered her his own cup of water, which she gulped down earnestly.

“I’m so glad we don’t eat this in Cloud Recesses! I would die!” Luo Liqiu said, sticking out her red-hot tongue, so it would cool down.

“Well, I’ll have you know that your esteemed Hanguang-jun doesn’t dislike spicy food!”

“Wait, really? How do you know? He told you?” Luo Liqiu said, her eyes bright and curious for new information.

“Well, yes, I…” He caught himself before he said anything. He couldn’t just explain to her that he had seen him order those dishes with his own eyes. That they had shared them once in Yiling. “I’ve been told, form a reputable source!”

“Hm, a reputable source… Wouldn’t trust it unless it’s his brother or his uncle.” The girl said, looking at him distrustfully. Wei Wuxian chuckled, but his mood had dampened mildly from the sudden onset of memories. He finished his meal listening to the girl’s latest gossip regarding the junior disciples, nodding and smiling whenever it was warranted.

On their way back, they passed through the market stalls once more, and Wei Wuxian noticed that the candy vendor had made one shaped like a rabbit. On impulse, he purchased it, thinking of giving it to Lan Wangji. There was a big chance he would be rejected, but he had to try. He had noticed how Lan Wangji favoured the sweet dishes when there were some with the meal, and he surely loved rabbits; Wei Wuxian had to buy it.

Wei Wuxian went straight to the Jingshi once they crossed the gates, eager and yet a bit nervous to give the candy to Lan Wangji. He’d thought about his possible reaction all the way up, ranging from angry to elated, but he knew it was probably just going to be quiet acknowledgement.

He knocked twice, as usual, and announced himself. No answer came, which was also not unusual, so he simply let himself in with a big smile, ready to present the gift to the other man. He expected him to be seated either with the bunnies or on the table, reading a book. Lan Wangji, however, was not in his usual places. Laid out on the table, though, was Wangji, the guqin. It was Wei Wuxian’s first time seeing it since his resurrection.

“Lan-er-gongzi?” Wei Wuxian called out as he made his way across the quarters and entered the sleeping area. Lan Wangji was on the floor, kneeling sideways, his robes half-undone. His body was trembling slightly and with his back to him, Wei Wuxian saw for the first time the horrendous marks that crisscrossed his back. He couldn’t help but gasp at the sight. Lan Xichen was the one who usually dressed him, but the few times Wei Wuxian had helped him, it had only been his outer robes, and he had never seen his bare skin.

“Lan-er-gongzi, are you okay? Do you need any help?” Wei Wuxian said softly, worried. Lan Wangji did not say anything nor did he acknowledge him. He continued to tremble slightly and after a few seconds of silence a choked sound left his throat.

Wei Wuxian was immediately by his side, putting the candy down on the closest surface. Lan Wangji’s face was streaked with tears, and more continued to pour out of his reddened eyes. His expression looked vacant, but Wei Wuxian could almost feel his pain. He was clutching his robes with stiff fingers and his eyes stared at the floor, his gaze completely empty.

“Lan-er-gongzi, I’m going to help you get up and change into your sleeping robes, yes? That is what you wanted, right? Right, can I touch Lan-er-gongzi, is that okay?” Wei Wuxian said, in the softest voice he could produce. Lan Wangji nodded slightly, and Wei Wuxian nodded encouragingly at him.

It was not yet bedtime, but some days Lan Wangji had taken his supper earlier or forgone it directly to go to bed earlier, thus, it did not feel that off to Wei Wuxian. He had often helped him change into his sleeping clothes, never taking off his undergarments, but those times Lan Wangji had held himself up, even if sometimes he needed to sit down in between layers.

This time, though, Wei Wuxian noticed that Lan Wangji was not able to pull himself up. Mo Xuanyu’s body was not as strong as Wei Wuxian’s own had been, and Wei Wuxian could not help but feel frustrated. He, in his old body, would have been able to gather Lan Wangji up and put him on the bed, but he could not do that anymore.

With his arms around his shoulders and a lot of sweating, Wei Wuxian managed to get him on the bed. He worked fast on the Lan robes, by then familiar with the many fastenings and layers. Lan Wangji seemed to want to cooperate, but his arms were failing him too, so it seemed, because his face grew pained every time he moved, and more tears escaped his eyes. Wei Wuxian kept reassuring him that he would do it himself, that Lan Wangji did not need to move, yet the man was stubborn.

“Aiya, Lan-er-gongzi, don’t be so stubborn! Really, this one can manage, see? I, too, can tie knots. Maybe not as pretty as Lan-er-gongzi’s or Sect Leader Lan’s but…”

“I could not play.” Those were the first words Lan Wangji had uttered during the whole struggle. Wei Wuxian stood still for a moment, slightly shocked, before resuming his knotting. He was afraid that he would startle Lan Wangji, and he would not speak anymore.

“I could not play.” The man repeated, his voice slightly broken. He looked ahead, towards the low table with the guqin on it. Wei Wuxian then understood; Lan Wangji had tried to play the guqin, and he had not been able to. His chest ached, and his whole body itched with the need to hug him, to reassure him. Wei Wuxian noticed that his own hands were trembling slightly, and he immediately tried to hide it.

He did not know what to say. He had always known Lan Wangji and his guqin as one. It was part of him, his spiritual weapon, always trustful. He had once used it against Wei Wuxian, but he had also used it to help, to appease, and to simply play. Wei Wuxian knew those deft fingers had been able to create the most beautiful melodies just plucking those strings. It was a loss for the world if those fingers could play no more. Had Lan Wangji not played the guqin at all since his injuries?

“You know,” Wei Wuxian said, conversationally, mustering the cheeriest voice he could. “I used to play the dizi.” Lan Wangji’s head twitched at that, and Wei Wuxian wondered if he should have lied and changed the instrument. “Yes, ever since I was little! But then when I was like I don’t know ten or eleven, I just… abandoned it. I grew bored, I guess. You know how children are. Then, a few years later, almost ten, I picked it up again! And at first it was so frustrating, you know, because, well, I had forgotten almost everything, and yet I remembered that I had been good. I wanted to play the same music I had been able to but of course, I couldn’t, not yet. Eventually, after much practice, I was able to start to play the same tunes again. I’m sure Lan-er-gongzi, who is much smarter than me, will manage just fine.”

Lan Wangji shook his head minutely and heaved in a heavy breath. He did not reply any further and simply laid himself down on the bed, face up. Wei Wuxian gnawed on his lips while putting away the discarded robes, worry and sadness pooling low in his stomach. Then, from the corner of his eye, he saw the candy bunny he had discarded earlier. He picked it up and with a shy smile, he kneeled by Lan Wangji’s bed and offered it to him.

“Today I went to Caiyi and I saw these animal-shaped candies. I saw the bunny one, and I thought Hanguang-jun might like it.”

He twirled the candy’s stick between his finger, making the bunny spin. Lan Wangji turned his head slightly and stared at the candy. His lips twitched and a lone tear trickled down his cheek. Wei Wuxian’s smile faded, and he started to stutter out some apology, but Lan Wangji spoke before him.

“Thank you.”

Wei Wuxian, shocked, simply nodded and left the candy on the bedside table for easy reach if Lan Wangji fancied it.

“I will not have dinner tonight. I wish to rest.” Lan Wangji said before Wei Wuxian left his quarters.

He had dinner with the rest of the service, trading jokes and sharing food. He had bought himself a small bottle of chili oil in Caiyi and he poured it abundantly on his food while Luo Liqiu made faces at him. He smiled and spoke freely, and yet, he felt like something heavy had settled on his chest.

As he settled down to sleep, he thought that maybe he had been too optimistic, too sure of himself. Lan Wangji had been like that for 13 years, why would a simple servant that he knew nothing of make him change in a month? He did not know who he was, as much as he tried to fool himself sometimes. For Lan Wangji, he was only Mo Xuanyu. He was nobody.

Lan Xichen left the next day after bidding goodbye to his brother. With a grave face, he asked Wei Wuxian to take good care of him and the latter assured him that Lan Wangji would be in good hands. However, during the next few days, Lan Wangji once again refused to leave his bed and did not speak a word to Wei Wuxian, staring morosely and vacantly ahead, as if he was not really there.

In the afternoons, Wei Wuxian tended to sit on the back hills and play his dizi. The bunnies did not seem to appreciate his skills or the shrill sounds of the crudely made flute, but those sounds reminded him of his past life, and it was the few things that still made him Wei Wuxian. He had decided to forego that life, but his memories still haunted him.

“Mo-qianbei!” Lan Sizhui’s voice brought Wei Wuxian out of his reverie and he lowered the flute, ceasing his playing. The young disciple was smiling at him with an armful of greens for the rabbits. Those little creatures immediately pooled at his feet, demanding their food.

“Qianbei? I’m nothing but a lowly servant, gongzi, I don’t think you should be calling me that.” Wei Wuxian teased with a chuckle.

“Ah, sorry, since you were a cultivator too, before…” Lan Sizhui said with an embarrassed smile as he sat down next to Wei Wuxian. “Did you ever practice musical cultivation?”

“Ah, me? No, no way. My golden core is so weak!” Wei Wuxian moaned, laying down on the grass. “What about you, Lan-gongzi? You play any instrument?”

“Of course. All Lans practice musical cultivation, but my specialty is the guqin.”

Wei Wuxian’s smile faltered slightly as a pang of hurt shot through his chest.

“Like Hangung-jun, huh?”

“Yes! He has told me that I am very good. Ah, sorry, pride is not permitted…”

“Hey, if it’s true, it’s true. So, you’ve played for him?”

“Oh, yes.” Lan Sizhui smiled brightly. “Ever since I was little, he has taken care of me as much as he has been able to. I have played for him many times.”

Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but feel perplexed by that new information. So there had been a time or at least moments during those 13 years that Lan Wangji had not been like he was now, there had been times in which he had been alive enough to take care of a child. But why? Why would he take care of a young disciple?

“But I have never heard him play.” Lan Sizhui said, his smile vanishing as his eyes grew sad. “I have heard many things about his guqin skills but… I’ve never seen or heard them myself.”

As Wei Wuxian laid in bed that night, he replayed that conversation over and over in his head, trying to make sense of it. He hadn’t seen Lan Sizhui visit Lan Wangji once ever since he had arrived in Cloud Recesses, but then again, he was not by his side all the time. He had managed to avoid Lan Qiren too, so the same could be truth for Lan Sizhui. But that still left him with many questions unanswered, and he felt he would be intruding too much if he just asked Lan Sizhui. One thing, though, he did want to ask.

“Say, Lan-gongzi, would it be possible for you to teach me some guqin pieces?” Wei Wuxian said the next time they found themselves together in the back hills of Cloud Recesses. Lan Sizhui seemed quite shocked but not appalled by that request. “No Lan techniques or cultivation or anything like that, don’t get me wrong, just plain music.”

“How come Mo-gongzi has an interest all of a sudden?” Lan Sizhui asked curiously as he petted the curious bunnies that climbed on his lap.

“Well… I figured that since I am Lan Zh- Hanguang-jun’s helper I could, you know, entertain him too! I’m sure he would like it if I played some guqin pieces for him.” Wei Wuxian said, as innocently as possible. He did not say that what he wanted was to entice Lan Wangji onto playing the guqin again.

Lan Sizhui agreed and the next day they met in one of the empty pavilions. Wei Wuxian had played a bit of guqin during his short study in Cloud Recesses, as was required, but he barely remembered anything. He did remember how his fingers had ended up raw and bleeding, and that is exactly how they ended after that first lesson with Lan Sizhui.

“Do not worry, Mo-gongzi, if you keep it up, you’ll grow calluses and then it won’t hurt anymore.” Lan Sizhui said as he giggled at Wei Wuxian’s exaggerated pain. The man was blowing air onto his fingertips with a pout.

That evening, he brought the scalding hot supper to the Jingshi, his raw fingers hurting against the wooden tray. Rushing into the place, he left the tray on the low table where the writing supplies had often lain and blew his fingers with a pained scowl. He was truly reconsidering learning how to play that painful instrument.

After his fingers had numbed slightly, he made his way towards the sleeping quarters. As usual, Lan Wangji was there, propped by pillows and staring blankly. His fingers were folded in his lap, and Wei Wuxian wondered if they were still calloused after so many years without playing. His hands itched to grab the other’s to check their softness.

He shook his head slightly and put on his warmest smile, leaving the tray with the food on the usual beside table. Lan Wangji’s eyes slightly flitted towards it, and his head gave an almost imperceptible nod. Wei Wuxian grinned widely and got up to leave Lan Wangji alone when he noticed a small vase that had previously been empty in one of the drawers had now the stick with the candy bunny still attached to it.

It had been a few days since he had given it to him, and he had thought that maybe Lan Wangji had eaten it or had thrown it away because he had not seen it nor the stick ever since. But there it was, intact and propped in a vase, as if it was decoration. Wei Wuxian felt a knot form in his throat, and his eyes welled up with tears. He had no idea why he was tearing up and was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions.

“That bunny,” Lan Wangji’s voice broke his emotional spiral and made him realize that he had probably been standing there staring at the candy for way too long, “reminds me of someone I lost.” 

Wei Wuxian willed the tears back and turned to look at Lan Wangji, who was staring at him with sorrowful eyes. Wei Wuxian wanted to sit down and let him talk more, let him open his heart to him, but he did not know if he would be overstepping. He wondered who that person was. His mother? His father? A friend or perhaps a lover? Perhaps…

“I am sorry I could not eat it.”

“No need to apologize! I mean, if I had known you would want to keep one, I would have brought two, so you could eat one. Next time I go to Caiyi, I’ll bring another one.” Wei Wuxian promised with a big smile, even if  his stomach had turned into a knot. Lan Wangji simply nodded and turned his head. Wei Wuxian took that as his cue to leave.

Once he was out of the Jingshi, he let a few tears slide down his cheek as he stifled the sobs that wanted to escape his mouth with his hand. He did not know why he was crying, but he felt undeniably sad. He was feeling sad for Lan Wangji, for what he once had been and what had become of him; for himself, having lost everything he knew. He wanted to make Lan Wangji stop hurting, and would gladly bear the hurt himself if it could be done so. That man he had known to be the most righteous and bravest of all was in that position because of him and, even though he tried not to think about it, the proof of it sometimes became unbearable.

Now that Lan Wangji had gotten worse again, Wei Wuxian couldn’t fool himself and tell himself he was repenting for his crimes, paying for what he had caused him and everyone else. He wanted to make it better, but how ? Sometimes he just wanted to leave and forget about everything and everyone he knew, make a new life. He just wanted to stop feeling that creeping guilt inside him that told him everything was his fault.

Have I not paid my dues with my own death?

Wei Wuxian skipped dinner and went straight to bed, asking one of the other servants to gather Lan Wangji’s dirty plates and leftovers for him. Even in sleep he was often plagued by nightmares of what had happened, of his shijie and Jin Zixuan, of the Wens, of Jiang Cheng; but some nights he was able to sleep blissfully without dreaming, and he hoped, he needed , that night to be one of them.

Lan Xichen returned earlier from his visit and he immediately made his way to the Jingshi, right when Wei Wuxian was serving dinner to Lan Wangji, who was, as usual, sat in bed. Lan Xichen had brought gifts for his brother and Wei Wuxian made himself scarce when the older Lan started to narrate his time in Carp Tower. He wondered if Lan Wangji enjoyed or resented the recounting, if he wished his brother would keep it to himself so as not to be reminded of what he was not able to do.

Wei Wuxian thought back to his own sacrifice for Jiang Cheng, who he had once called a brother. Lan Wangji was much nobler than him, so the Lan probably did not resent his brother. Wei Wuxian himself would have given up his golden core again for Jiang Cheng, even if it meant repeating the same mistakes. He had many regrets in his past life, but that was not one of them.

“Lan Zhan…” He muttered to himself. “I would give my body to you if I could, too.”

The onset of summer marked the start of the third month of Wei Wuxian in Cloud Recesses. His body had slowly grown accustomed to the grievous Lan sched ules, even though whenever he had a free morning, his body still demanded to sleep in way past Lan waking time. And despite the guilt and grief pooling in his stomach sometimes, he found himself quite content with the slow life he was leading, so different from the one he had been used to. He never went hungry or cold, and he could gossip and talk freely with the servants without being constrained by most rules. Luo Liqiu sometimes even joined him in his drinking in Caiyi, and they would both wait to sober up outside of Cloud Recesses, watching the sun go down.

Wei Wuxian had also been working hard on the guqin classes with Lan Sizhui. His fingers had grown calluses, and he was able to pluck soft melodies under the praises of his attentive teacher. He had always been good with instruments and quick with his fingers, even if Mo Xuanyu’s body refused to cooperate sometimes. Slowly, but surely, Wei Wuxian felt like he was making that life and that body his.

Lan Xichen was the only one who still called him by his name on the sparse times they saw each other to talk about Lan Wangji’s doings and progress. Every time he heard the other call him “Wei-gongzi”, he felt shivers up and down his spine as old memories of his dark past flooded his mind. Being called Mo Xuanyu meant that he could, if only temporarily, forget about what had happened, about what he had done. That is, until memories and nightmares crawled up to him at night, when he was alone with his own thoughts. He worked his body to the limit every day, either by doing chores or training that weak body, so that once he hit the pillow after dinner he would fall asleep.

Apart from Lan Xichen, Lan Wangji was the only remaining link to his past, a constant reminder of his wrongdoings. As time passed, he grew used to the constant knot in his throat and the guilt at the sight of the Second Jade of Lan, but sometimes he still wanted to flee, to ask Lan Xichen to give him another duty. And yet, part of him clung to Lan Wangji and looked forward to seeing him again and again, hoping for one glance, one word. Despite the guilt, he felt happy to see him.

“Hanguang-jun,” Wei Wuxian commented as he fed the pair of rabbits kept in the Jingshi. “I think one of the rabbits is a female and is pregnant! It has to be, it’s grown so fat, it cannot possibly be the grass or the vegetables!”

He observed as the bunnies approached him to get to the leaves he brought, standing on their hind legs, their twitching noses making him smile softly. He crouched down and left the vegetables on the floor, and he took advantage of the bunnies' closeness to pet their soft, white fur. He did not know if they had any names, if Lan Wangji had given them any, but, embarrassingly, Wei Wuxian had started referring to them as A-Zhan and A-Ying in his mind.

“Mn, YingYing is pregnant.” Lan Wangji’s voice sounded so close that Wei Wuxian startled, almost falling on his butt and making the rabbits run away in fear. He turned around and saw that Lan Wangji had gotten up and had slowly walked towards the lattice door. He was leaning heavily on it, and Wei Wuxian noticed his body was trembling slightly.

“Hanguang-jun! If you wanted to come, you should have told me! I would have helped you.” Wei Wuxian immediately shot up to his feet and climbed up the wooden platform to reach Lan Wangji. He took him in his arms, putting Lan Wangji’s arm around his shoulder as they walked slowly towards the low table in the center.

Lan Wangji still smelled of sandalwood, like the first time Wei Wuxian had noticed it, back when they were young. Every time he had smelled sandalwood incense from then on, he could not help but think of Lan Wangji. Once he had thought he would never smell it again. Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but smile slightly at the thought that now, he could smell it every day.

They slowly sat down, Lan Wangji trying to hide his pained grimace as he crossed his legs properly. Wei Wuxian got up and started preparing tea with some herbs that the healer had given Lan Wangji for the pain. They were bitter and smelled acrid, but Lan Wangji always drank it as if he was parched, so Wei Wuxian gathered they probably worked.

“Here, Hanguang-jun, be careful, it’s still very hot.” Wei Wuxian placed the tea in front of the other man, who nodded in thanks. “Aiya, Hanguang-jun, you’re so stubborn. You could have hurt yourself!”

Lan Wangji pursued his lips slightly, and Wei Wuxian wondered if he had gone too far, if he had taken too many liberties and had acted too familiar. He missed the banters he used to have with Lan Wangji, the way the other would purposefully try to ignore his jabs and comments while growing more and more flustered. Wei Wuxian did not dare do those things now, but he longed to see those ears blush in embarrassment again.

“Mo-gongzi,” Lan Wangji said, after gulping down his tea in one go. “Sizhui has informed me that you have been taking guqin lessons with him.” 

Wei Wuxian, who stood awkwardly beside the table, grew nervous. Would Lan Wangji ask him to stop bothering the Lan disciple? Would he scold him or be angry that he was playing the guqin when he himself couldn’t?

“Yes! When I saw Hanguang-jun’s guqin and heard of his prowess… I wanted to try it too.”

“Sizhui says you’re very good.”

Wei Wuxian blushed deeply. If he had told his younger self that one day Lan Wangji would be praising him for his guqin skills, even if unkowingly, he would have probably laughed himself to death. And yet, he couldn’t help but smile proudly.

“This one does what he can.”

“Would you show me?” 

Lan Wangji’s request took him completely by surprise. He was looking at Wei Wuxian intently, his piercing golden gaze unwavering.

“I don’t… have any guqin. I use Lan Si- Lan-gongzi’s old practice one and-”

“You can use mine.”

Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but gasp as Lan Wangji signaled to the guqin that laid on a more secluded table, a bit dusty from disuse despite Wei Wuxian’s efforts to always keep it clean. He was always weary of touching it and yet, here was Lan Wangji, offering it for him to play on. With trembling hands, Wei Wuxian brought the guqin to the table Lan Wangji was seating on and set it down, mirroring the way he had seen Lan Wangji position it.

His fingers were trembling slightly as they hovered over the strings, extremely aware of Lan Wangji’s gaze placed on him, waiting for him to play. Wei Wuxian settled for the latest melody had taught him, a simple Lan traditional song, slow enough that Wei Wuxian’s trembling fingers did not fumble.

Lan Wangji gazed at his fingers intensely, scanning his playing, and Wei Wuxian felt like he was taking an exam. He could barely hear the melody above his beating heart, thumping loudly against his eardrums. Wangji’s strings felt different from those he had been practicing on, their sound clearer in the silence of the Jingshi.

As the sound trickled to an end and the strings stopped vibrating, the men stayed in silent for a few more seconds. Lan Wangji’s gaze was still trained on the guqin strings. Wei Wuxian retreated his trembling fingers onto his lap and worried his lip between his lip, waiting for Lan Wangji to speak. Would he be kicked out? Would he be asked to play more?

“Would… Would Mo-gongzi help me play?” Lan Wangji’s words shocked Wei Wuxian speechless. The great Hanguang-jun, guqin master, had asked him to help him play. How on earth could Wei Wuxian help him in any way?

“Hanguang-jun… How can I even help you? You’re a far better musician than me!” Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but chuckle a bit hysterically at the thought. Lan Wangji, however, shook his head with a frown.

“It is not teaching what I need, but help. I have not played in 13 years. Furthermore, my arms get tired and pain me, my hands do not respond to my commands sometimes, and I cannot move my fingers as freely due to an injury. I need help… Going through the basics again. I have forgotten… a lot. But I believe that once I get the basics again, it will come back to me.”

Wei Wuxian knew how proud Lan Wangji was, not one to ask for help, much like himself. He could imagine the amount of willpower it had taken Lan Wangji to ask for help. He probably was too embarrassed to ask his brother or his uncle, so he had resorted to him. He wanted Wei Wuxian, no, Mo Xuanyu to walk him through the basics, like he had once done when he was probably but a child. Wei Wuxian felt his chest warm up and he smiled softly.

“Of course, I will help Hanguang-jun in every way I can!” Exclaimed Wei Wuxian, grinning widely. Lan Wangji nodded curtly, his eyes still trained on the guqin in front of him, gazing at it longingly.

The very next day, Lan Wangji was already waiting for Wei Wuxian while seated at the low table, the guqin already laid down. Wei Wuxian, barely awake, couldn’t help but chuckle at the other’s eagerness. Breakfast could wait, Wei Wuxian like seeing Lan Wangji with a resolution, with a drive. His eyes had regained part of that shine he had had, that gold a bit warmer.

It was often painful for Wei Wuxian to see Lan Wangji struggle with the most basic stuff. Some days, the pain in his body would be so unbearable that his fingers would not comply, too stiff to pluck any sound from the guqin. Those days, Lan Wangji asked for Wei Wuxian to play for him, closing his eyes and enjoying the tunes the other plucked.

Other days, Lan Wangji would not even get out of bed, his whole body hurting, his legs stiff, unable to even feed the bunnies that then would hop inside the Jingshi and join him in bed. Those days Wei Wuxian longed to see the spark of gold in those eyes, the resolute determination he observed when Lan Wangji was in front of the guqin, his fingers caressing the well known strings.

Even though there were bad days, Lan Wangji did seem to get better. Lan Xichen had been happy to announce to Wei Wuxian that his brother was more often than not able to dress himself lately, and had even asked for different robes than his usual ones.

“I have Wei-gongzi to thank for this.” Lan Xichen said over tea. Wei Wuxian smiled bashfully, blushing. “You’ve done… more than I could ask for. You’ve been a true blessing, Wei-gongzi. I never managed to better my brother but you…”

“I didn’t do much! I just…”

“Wei-gongzi, you’ve been working all these months already. I believe you should take a break.”

“What? But then, who will take care of Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian was left bereft, confused by the sudden decision the Clan Leader had made.

“It’ll be fine, I will do it. Wei-gongzi, you can take a week off, I will pay you your dues. You are free to stay, but you are not expected to work. I myself will notify my brother, do not worry.”

Wei Wuxian found himself in his room, gazing at the gold and silver pieces in the pouch he had been given. He did not know what to do, but knowing that he would have nothing to do in Cloud Recesses, he prepared a qiankun pouch with some spare clothes. He was in the middle of preparing his departure when somebody called on the door of his room.

“Mo-gongzi,” said Sizhui, with a bow. “Sect Leader told me that you were leaving for a week. I thought you might want to practice in your off time, too, since you’ve become so good! It’s only my old practice guqin, but I hope it’ll serve you well.” Lan Sizhui handed the guqin wrapped in silk to an astounded Wei Wuxian.

“Lan-gongzi, are you sure?”

“I told you to call me Sizhui! It’s fine. I don’t use it anymore and it’d be a shame if Mo-gongzi’s skills were left to waste.”

And that is how Wei Wuxian found himself on his way to Caiyi with a guqin strapped to his back and his heart weighing heavily in his chest. He looked behind, Cloud Recesses partly hidden by the clouds, and wondered what Lan Wangji was doing. Does he miss me? He shook his head, trying to get rid of that thought, reminding himself that he was just a servant, he was no longer Wei Wuxian.

He asked for a room in an inn, where he planned to stay at least two nights, but where he ended up staying the whole week. He had thought about going to Jinlintai or Yunmeng to see how Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng were faring, but he had come too close to Jiang Cheng finding out who he was, having been saved only by Zewu-jun’s grace. He could not risk it.

He stayed at the inn and strolled through Caiyi, spending his time leisurely, doing everything he wished he would have been able to do in his youth. It felt lonely, but almost every night he would find some group of men to drink and play with. There were some nights, though, that he stayed in his room, foregoing dinner altogether, and sat down by the window, gazing out towards the mountains, as his fingers plucked the guqin’s strings, somehow conjuring up a melody that he mildly recognized.

The melody slowly shaped itself to a full-blown song, but he could not remember where he had heard it. He tried to play it with his dizi, to see if it jogged any memories, but he could not remember, no matter how hard he tried, where he had heard it first. Still, the melody soothed his soul and made him feel strangely calm.

Luo Liqiu visited him on his fifth day in Caiyi, and they spent the afternoon out on the lake with a boat, trying to fish but failing miserably. He had missed her, he missed the companionship he had found amongst the other servants in Cloud Recesses, and the schedules he had formed. His body, surprisingly, automatically awoke at mao shi, no matter how much he wished to stay in bed longer. And at hai shi, his body demanded sleep, like a well oiled clock. He now understood Lan Wangji, despite having made fun of him in his youth for that same reason.

And above all, he missed Lan Wangji. Even if it was just a smile, or a short word, he missed seeing him, hearing him, giving him guqin lessons, watching him as he slowly relaxed, and his fingers were able to flow more freely. He missed seeing that soft, proud glow when he had a good day and was able to strung out a melody, when he was able to walk by himself to the bunnies and feed them. He missed all of him.

“I love him.” Wei Wuxian whispered to himself as he watched the guqin’s strings vibrate under his fingers. He smiled slightly at the realization, despite the pang of pain in his heart. He knew it was futile, that that love would never be reciprocated. He was just a servant, he repeated to himself. Yet, he continued playing that strange piece that he had conjured up on the guqin, as if driven by an old memory.

Chapter Text

When he returned to Cloud Recesses, after leaving his things in his quarters, the first thing he did was run to the Jingshi, ignoring the disciples that glared at him for disregarding the rules. He couldn’t wait, he wouldn’t wait.

His lips curled into an involuntary smile the moment he gazed at the building, but as he neared it, his smile slowly dissipated. Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren were standing on the front door, their faces etched in worry as they discussed something. Wei Wuxian slowly approached them.

It was his first time seeing Lan Qiren in all those months, having expertly avoided him, and he was surprised to see how much he had aged. Despite having been only 13 years, he looked like he had aged more than that, the worry lines in his face were deep, and his frown was forever carved on his skin. He had heard that pain and worry aged people, but he now had the living proof in front of him.

Lan Xichen was the first to notice him, and his lips curled slightly at the sight of him, offering Wei Wuxian a kind smile. He gazed at his uncle for a second, as if pondering something, before beckoning him closer.

“Shufu, this is Mo-gongzi, the one who has been taking care of Wangji.”

Lan Qiren bowed slightly to him, and Wei Wuxian returned a deeper bow.

“We are forever indebted to you. We have seen a great change in Wangji thanks to your help.” Wei Wuxian could almost not believe his ears. Lan Qiren, out of all people, was thanking him ! Of course, he did not know he was Wei Wuxian, but still, he couldn’t help but smile proudly.

“However,” Lan Xichen continued, his smile vanishing. “This week you have been gone…”

He was led into the Jingshi and towards the sleeping quarters. Lan Wangji was laying supine on the bed, his face ashen and his eyes closed, covered with sheets up to his chest. His forehead ribbon was gone, and a moist towel had replaced it. Wei Wuxian felt his knees buckle underneath him, but he stood upright, approaching the bed silently, and he lowered himself on his knees beside Lan Wangji.

The slow rising and falling of his chest was the only indication of him being alive, for his skin had grown so pale that he could rival snow. His hands felt cold to the touch, and every now and then, his body would be wracked by shivers that made him gasp and whimper slightly in his slumber.

Wei Wuxian willed himself not to cry, not in front of the other Lans. They told him that Lan Wangji had been practicing hard on the guqin during that week, and that just two days prior, he had tried Inquiry. He had tried, after 13 years, to imbue spiritual energy to his playing. He had not been strong enough, his core had failed him, and he had developed more pain, as if he had just been freshly whipped again. Slowly, he had developed a high fever that had slowly worsened until he could not stay conscious.

“The healers are working hard, and we are constantly passing him spiritual energy, but his golden core has grown very weak from disuse and pain. We can only wait for his body to slowly recuperate.”

Lan Xichen’s voice was laced with pain and worry, and swiftly Lan Qiren sat down beside Wei Wuxian and took Lan Wangji’s wrist, starting to pass him spiritual energy anew. Wei Wuxian stayed there for quite long, just staring at Lan Wangji’s pale face until Lan Xichen beckoned him out.

Once they were out of Lan Qiren’s earshot, Wei Wuxian could not help but break down. The tears he had been holding in came pouring down, and his body was wracked by sobs as he fell on his knees right there on the path. Lan Xichen placed a soft hand on his back, unable to utter any words that would bring comfort to the crying man.

“It’s my fault.” Wei Wuxian managed to stutter, as he wiped his nose and eyes. “I shouldn’t have left, it’s my fault. I was making sure he wasn’t doing anything stupid! I was the one who helped him play the guqin again, I was the one… He got whipped because of ME! It’s MY fault!” It was the first time he was saying those words aloud, making them real. He sobbed harder, his throat raw. Lan Xichen helped him up, and they made their way towards the Hanshi in silence.

“It is not your fault, Wei-gongzi.” Lan Xichen said, once they were both seated down. Wei Wuxian looked up and saw the Sect Leader’s face was also streaked with tears. “I am his brother. I should have been there for him, but I have put my sect, the same one that hurt him so bad that ruined his life, over him over and over again. I should have been making sure he was resting, but I didn’t. I was also the one who sent you away. If anyone is at fault here, it is me.”

Wei Wuxian knew no words would console Lan Xichen, so they just sat in silence, letting their tears and grief pour out.

Lan Xichen left at some point to go transfer spiritual energy to his brother, and Wei Wuxian, not wanting to intrude, retired to his quarters. He laid on his back, his eyes swollen and aching, his chest feeling heavier and heavier, as if he had an enormous weight on it, so much he could hardly breathe.

He cursed his weak golden core, for not being able to help Lan Wangji. He cursed all the decisions he had taken in his past life, for leading up to this. And he cursed himself, for it was all his fault.

A week went by with little change. Lan Wangji was able to wake to eat and drink a bit before sleeping again. Wei Wuxian knew sleep was the best cure to rest and recuperate their qi and their bodies, but he yearned to see him awake, to see him talk and glare at him. He stayed by his side as often as Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren allowed, bringing in the food that was prepared specially for him, watching as he was fed spiritual energy to alleviate his pain and accelerate his healing, but he felt useless.

On the second day, he had started frequenting the library, taking out a few books without the disciples noticing and bringing them to the Jingshi to read while watching over Lan Wangji. The books talked about medicine, qi restoration, golden core strengthening, but none were specific enough to Lan Wangji’s case. He noted down all the ideas and methods he found useful, but they were so basic that the Lans themselves had probably already gone over them.

On the tenth day of Lan Wangi being bedridden, Wei Wuxian brought his guqin and his dizi to the Jingshi, intent to trying to imbue some spiritual energy into the pieces Sizhui had taught him to just, at least, try . He was desperate by that point, and he wanted to try anything that would be able to heal Lan Wangji, despite how stupid or useless it might have seemed.

He played the guqin for so long that his fingers grew numb and the calluses that had formed started to bleed slightly, and yet, there had been no change, despite Wei Wuxian’s small golden core being completely exhausted. With a sigh, he gazed at Lan Wangji’s unmoving form, tired and frustrated.

He picked up the dizi and went to sit closer to Lan Wangji, his legs crossed as he readied himself to play. The melody that he had been practicing in Caiyi filled the Jingshi and Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, letting the soft, calming sound wash over him. It was not Chenqing, so the sound wasn’t as clear as he wished it to be, but it rang through the Jingshi with all the spiritual energy Wei Wuxian could muster.

Once he was done, he felt deeply exhausted, having exerted his golden core to its maximum. His hands were shaking slightly when he lowered his dizi and when he blinked his eyes open, his vision was a bit hazy. However, from the corner of his eye, he saw movement. His head immediately shot up.

Lan Wangji had propped himself up, and he was looking at him, his mouth slightly agape and tears running down his cheeks. Wei Wuxian could see how the other’s body trembled, but he couldn’t help but smile brightly at the sight of Lan Wangji awake. He moved slightly to get up and approach him, but Lan Wangji’s voice broke through the silence first.

“Wei Ying?”

Wei Wuxian was sure he must have misheard him, for it could not be that Lan Wangji was saying his name. Surely exhaustion had caught up to him and he was hallucinating.

“Wei Ying, is it you?” Lan Wangji’s voice trembled. There was no mistaking it, Lan Wangji was indeed saying his name. Wei Wuxian felt his blood run cold and hot at the same time, his head spinning, his body feeling as if the floor underneath him was titling.

How could it be? How had he discovered his identity? Wei Wuxian wanted to deny it, he did not wish to cause more pain to Lan Wangji, but he couldn’t utter any words, his tongue did not seem to be working as he gaped like a fish, staring at Lan Wangji’s tearful face.

Wei Wuxian got up and left the Jingshi in a frenzy, his legs carrying him away before he even knew where he wanted to go. His heart was beating so hard against his chest that he felt like he was going to collapse, and yet, he managed to get to his quarters and sink to his knees, trembling like he had contracted a terrible fever. Lan Wangji knew!

How could Wei Wuxian face him after lying to him all this time? How could he face him after knowing it was his fault Lan Wangji was in that state? He simply could not. He had to leave. He was not strong enough to endure Lan Wangji’s hate and anger, he could not endure even the simple thought of Lan Wangji not wishing to see him again. He had to leave and spare Lan Wangji and himself that pain.

He did not even bother going to his room first, he went straight to the gate and ran off towards Caiyi, his heart still beating loudly, with Lan Wangji’s voice repeating his name over and over again in his head.

Again, he found himself in the same room he had vacated just ten days ago. Wei Wuxian was still trembling as Lan Wangji’s voice played over and over, calling his name. He tried to analyze his actions, how it could have been he had found out. Or had he just overreacted? Had Lan Wangji just tested the waters, not truly knowing it was him? Had Wei Wuxian given himself away, reacting in such a manner and fleeing?

By the time he realized he had just been seating on the bed as if in trance, the sun had long set and his room was engulfed in shadows, only partially lit by the lanterns that illuminated the street. He got up on numb legs and lit a candle. He looked at himself in the mirror: he looked ashen, his face still stricken by shock, and his eyes ringed by dark circles after days of reading scrolls and keeping an unconscious Lan Wangji company.

What would he do, now? Surely he could not return to Cloud Recesses as Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji probably hated him and the moment Lan Qiren found out, he would be cursed back to hell. He had to leave Caiyi, but at the mere thought of leaving and not seeing Cloud Recesses again make his heart ache, and his eyes clog up with tears.

He had to abandon yet another life he had learnt to love. He had to again leave those he cared about behind.

He only had his qiankun pouch with him, with the coins he had left from what Lan Xichen had paid him. It was quite a lot, much more than what Wei Wuxian had had during his time in the Burial Mounds, but it would not last him forever. He would have to find a way to sustain himself. He could do it. He had done it before, he could do it again.

He gazed out the window as droplets started to fall. It was raining and slowly, the lanterns outside went off, one by one, and the street went completely dark, not even lit by the moon that was hidden behind the clouds. He thought it best to wait the rain out and sleep warm that night, not knowing when he would find another inn in his journey. He had grown disused to sleeping rough. He would miss his bed in Cloud Recesses, his routine and even the grueling sleeping and eating schedules.

He laid in bed and let himself cry for what he had lost in both his lifetimes, coming to terms with the fact he would not be able to hear or see Lan Wangji again. He would not feed the bunnies again. Had YingYing given birth already? Had the Jingshi’s bunny population grown? He would never know.

He had eventually fallen asleep because next thing he knew, he was startled away by someone calling his name. His name.

Albeit muted by the rain, he could clearly hear Lan Wangji’s voice calling him. Calling out for him. Wei Wuxian felt his heart on his throat and his body immediately threw itself to the window, searching for the other’s figure on the street, hoping it was not an illusion, that it was not just mind playing tricks on him.

It wasn’t. Lan Wangji’s white clothes shone like a beacon of light in the middle of the darkened street. He was shouting, louder than Wei Wuxian had ever heard him. Had he come to kill him? To fight with him for what he had done in his previous life? Or maybe…

Wei Wuxian, forfeiting any self-preservation, exited his room and went down, apologizing to the patrons that had also been woken up by the ruckus. The inn’s owner was standing on the doorway, struck the image of Hanguang-jun, soaked to the bone, standing in front of his meager business. Wei Wuxian brushed past him, walking under the rain to reach Lan Wangji, who gazed at him like he was an apparition.

In a way, he was. He was supposed to be dead, but he had been fooling Lan Wangji all this time. Wei Wuxian could imagine how betrayed and wronged the man felt. However, before he could talk or apologize, Lan Wangji threw himself at him, embracing him against his cold, wet body, so tightly it almost hurt.

Wei Wuxian’s eyes filled with tears that warmed the rain-streaked face as they poured down his cheeks. Lan Wangji’s body was trembling like a leaf against his, and Wei Wuxian felt him lean heavily on him, as if he could not support his own weight.

“Lan Zhan… Let’s go inside.” Wei Wuxian murmured, trying to get himself out of the other’s tight grip. Eventually Lan Wangji relented and let himself be led towards Wei Wuxian’s room.

Lan Wangji had always been a sight for sore eyes, but right at that moment, he looked so pale and chilled by the rain that his lips were tinted with blue. His white robes clung to him and his hair was half-undone and hanging wet and limp. Still… his eyes glowed that gold Wei Wuxian had grown to love.

“Wei Ying… is it really you?” His voice was barely above a whisper, but Wei Wuxian could feel all the hope and emotion in those words. He meditated his answer, but in the end he just nodded. He busied himself my lighting up more candles and getting the spare robes he had been given to sleep in so Lan Wangji could change. The other man did not say anything, he just stared at Wei Wuxian, following him with his penetrating eyes.

Mechanically, Wei Wuxian manhandled Lan Wangji and disrobed him, like he had done many other times. Yet, it was all different. Lan Wangji kept staring at him with that indecipherable look, as if he was expecting, wanting something. As if he was hopeful .

Once they reached the under robes, Wei Wuxian hesitated and eventually gave the dry clothes to Lan Wangji for him to do it himself.

“Wei Ying.” Lan Wangji whispered once more, when Wei Wuxian turned his back to him to give him a modicum of privacy. “Wei Ying.”

“Lan Zhan, I’m sorry.” Wei Wuxian felt himself get choked up. He did not turn around, he found himself unable to face the man he had fooled, had lied to. Had hurt in his past and current lives. How could he?

“Wei Ying.” Lan Wangji called out again, his voice strained. “I am sorry.”

Wei Wuxian turned around, shocked by the other’s words. What had Lan Wangji to be sorry for? He found himself facing a trembling, pitiful man that had his head lowered as he wept silently. Wei Wuxian longed to wrap himself around him and warm him, but instead, he just helped him out of the shirt and dried his chilled skin as much as he was able to with a small cloth. The other did not stop trembling, but his tears did stop as he gazed at Wei Wuxian.

“What are you sorry for?” Wei Wuxian managed to ask once the other was dressed in dry clothes. “You have… You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Lan Wangji did not answer, he just quietly stared at him. Wei Wuxian averted his gaze, looking down at his own fumbling fingers. His clothes were still mildly wet, but he was not the one who had been feverish, and probably still was. With that thought in mind, he put his shaky hand on the other’s forehead, careful not to touch the forehead ribbon. Lan Wangji did not flinch or try to get away, he simply stood still and let Wei Wuxian check his temperature.

“You’re still warm, Lan Zhan, what were you thinking? I’m sure having gotten wet will not help.” Wei Wuxian admonished, even though there was no bite behind his words. Lan Wangji’s lips twitched slightly, his eyes still intently staring at Wei Wuxian.

Eventually, Lan Wangji agreed to lay down on the bed, as Wei Wuxian fretted about how Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren surely were worried and looking for him. He found himself unable to stay silent, he kept filling the room with his incessant chatter about how careless Lan Wangji had been, how he was still ill. The Lan, however, did not utter a single word; he just stared at Wei Wuxian as the other rambled, hanging their clothes to dry.

Eventually, though, Wei Wuxian’s word flow just stopped, and he felt a knot form in his throat. He looked over at Lan Wangji, who stared back at him.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian’s voice was barely above a whisper. He could not hold back his tears anymore, and they started sliding down his cheeks silently. “I am so sorry. No, hear me out. Please. Listen to me before saying anything.”

Wei Wuxian sat down beside the bed, close enough that Lan Wangji could reach out and touch him. Hit him, like he deserved. But Lan Wangji just stared at him, as silent as always.

“I’m sorry for… for what I did in my past life. I’m sorry for hurting so many people around me. For not listening when you told me it was a dangerous path. I knew, I knew it was, but I thought I was grander, mightier than anybody who had tried it before, that I could handle it! I hurt you, I hurt… I hurt so many people. And then… Then I hurt you again, in this life. I hurt you by lying to you, by faking being someone else to get closer to you. Even my lashes were you fault I-”

“Stop.” Lan Wangji’s tone was so final that Wei Wuxian could not help but stop talking, surprised by the harsh command. He noticed then that Lan Wangji also had tears running down his face and his breathing was laboured.

“Wei Ying, stop. I… Nothing that happened to me was your fault. I made my own choices and I would not take them back. I… My only regret was not being able to save you. I am sorry I was not able to defend you and stand by your side before. I am sorry…”

Lan Wangji tried to incorporate himself, but his arms were shaky and weak. Wei Wuxian quickly helped him up, noticing the man was sweaty and his skin felt cold. He was running a high fever again.

“Wei Ying… Mo Xuanyu I… I thought I…”

“Lan Zhan, sh, it’s fine. We’ll talk when you’re better, okay? You need to rest. On the morning, we’ll go back to Cloud Recesses. You have to get better, eh, Lan Zhan?”

Wei Wuxian helped Lan Wangji drink some water, and he dabbed the sweat off his face with a clean cloth before helping him lie down again. The fever was clearly getting worse, and Wei Wuxian did not know what to do. Would his feeble spiritual energy have any effect on Lan Wangji? Would it help him in any way? Wei Wuxian could not think of anything else to try, so he sat beside the bed the rest of the night, feeding Lan Wangji spiritual energy in small bouts to keep the fever at bay.

At the break of dawn, though, Lan Xichen burst through the door with a few disciples in tow, his face ashen with worry.

They travelled to Cloud Recesses by sword,  with Lan Wangji on his brother’s back and with Wei Wuxian riding with Lan Sizhui. Just a few hours prior, he had thought he would never set foot in that place again, and he could not help but smile when they broke through the clouds and the buildings became visible. He would have never guessed he would have called such a stuffy, rule-filled place home.

Lan Qiren looked at him suspiciously when he stayed, while the healer looked at Lan Wangji. Since there was an obvious lack of shouting and swearing, Wei Wuxian guessed Lan Xichen had not yet told Lan Qiren of his real identity, but he still kept his head down and his distance. Lan Wangji’s condition had not worsened from what it had been despite the night adventure he had partaken in and the Lans resumed their spiritual feeding in turns.

With nothing else to do and with Lan Wangji being unconscious, Wei Wuxian left the Jingshi and started to make his way towards his quarters:

“Wei-gongzi,” said Lan Xichen, who had followed him after he had departed. “My brother knows who you really are, am I right?”

Wei Wuxian just nodded, worrying his lip between his teeth. Lan Xichen smiled slightly.

“Well, knowing him, I believed he would find out sooner rather than later. Wei-gongzi… You are free to go, of course, if that is what you wish. But please, do treat my brother’s feelings with care. All this time… He has been thinking about and mourning you. Be mindful of what he feels for you.”

Wei Wuxian pondered over Lan Xichen’s words as he sat down in his room. It surely could not be what Wei Wuxian wishfully thought it was, it simply was not reasonable that someone like Hanguang-jun could ever love, or even like, someone who had once been called the Yilling Laozu. It surely had to be something else, Wei Wuxian told himself, despite the smile and hope that grew in his heart.

It was not until three days later that Lan Wangji was able to stay awake more than just a few minutes. Wei Wuxian was continuously by his bedside, playing the same tune he had been playing when Lan Wangji had awoken, hoping it would attain the same results. Lan Wangji, however, stayed mostly asleep through his recitals, with just short bouts of consciousness in which he uttered Wei Wuxian’s name over and over until he fell asleep again.

“Wei Ying,” were the words that greeted Wei Wuxian when he entered the Jingshi that day. He had been told by Lan Xichen that Lan Wangji seemed to be feeling better, and he had all but run to the Jingshi, bumping into a few disciples who scowled at him. He could not help but smile brightly at that voice, seeing Lan Wangji propped up in his bed, looking at him with those golden eyes.

“Lan Zhan! You’re looking much better.”

“Mn.” The other answered. He pointed to the open door that led to the garden with his chin and Wei Wuxian went there to peer outside.

There were a few baby bunnies making their way through the garden, with the older ones fussing around them. Wei Wuxian gasped loudly, crouching down to get a better view of the kittens. They had to be already a few weeks old, and they were starting to graze on the grass.

“The bunnies! YingYing gave birth!”

“Yes. It must have been around a month ago. Brother told me today is the first day the kittens are out of the burrow.”

Wei Wuxian smiled softly as he made his way towards the bed.

“Just in time for you to see them!”

Lan Wangji’s lips twitched slightly upwards, hinting a smile. It made Wei Wuxian’s chest ache in the best of ways. He had never hoped to see one of those again. He thought of Lan Xichen’s words again, and he let himself hope. He let himself imagine that that smile was for him.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian whispered, sitting down by the bed. “I know I said I’m sorry a lot but… I really am. You know what I am not sorry for though? These past months here. I truly never thought I would one day call Cloud Recesses my home but… It feels like that now. I made friends and was… happy. Content. I was able to be by your side, help you. Maybe at first it started out of guilt but… It was not like that afterward. I liked it. I like being by your side. I enjoyed our guqin lessons, seeing how you got better and better, how you were able to do more and more things. The last years of my past life… I hadn’t been happy. I couldn’t even remember what being safe, content, happy felt like. But I found it again here… with you. In the unlikeliest of places! I know you might not want me here anymore, after all, I did lie and say I was someone else. But hey, I was summoned into his body I promise I did not possess him! But Lan Zhan, I-”

“I love you.” Lan Wangji’s words cut off his own rambling and left him gaping. He had surely misheard him. Lan Wangji, however, was staring at him intently, his eyes shining with unshed tears, just like Wei Wuxian’s. “I love Wei Ying.”

Lan Wangji, seeing Wei Wuxian had been rendered speechless but had yet to runaway, let himself hope, for the first time in thirteen years.

“I have loved Wei Ying ever since we met during the lectures. I loved Wei Ying even when he followed a path that destroyed him. And I… I loved Wei Ying even when I thought he was someone else.” Lan Wangji lowered his gaze and took in a shuddering breath. “I felt guilty, thinking I was forgetting Wei Ying, betraying his memory, letting myself fall in love with someone who was not him despite having so many of his qualities. I thought I was falling for Mo Xuanyu. Turns out, I was just falling in love with Wei Ying again.”

What was Wei Wuxian to do but take Lan Wangji’s face in his palms and kiss him? What else could he do to show the emotions that threatened to drown him, to overflow out of every opening of his body?

He had never truly kissed anyone, out of the stranger that had kissed him forcefully in his youth, so he had no idea what he was doing. Yet, the soft press against the other’s warm lips felt good, nice, right , especially when Lan Wangji moved his lips against his and placed his palms on Wei Wuxian’s own hands, to keep him there, to not let him go.

“Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian whispered, once their lips parted to take a breath. They kissed again, tasting each other’s tears in the kiss.

There were no words exchanged between them for a while as they just basked in each other’s company, at the feeling of being reunited after such a long time, despite having been beside each other for months already.

“You are free to leave, if so you wish.” Lan Wangji murmured, breaking the silence. His brow was furrowed, and Wei Wuxian could not help but mirror that expression. “I understand that… You might feel guilty, but this is not your fault. I would never wish to keep you prisoner here, Wei Ying.”

“Aiya, Lan Zhan! After my heartfelt speeches, you still doubt me? You still doubt that I want to stay? Hanguang-jun offends me!” Wei Wuxian smiled brightly at him, and Lan Wangji quirked his lips slightly, brightening his still ashen complexion. “And how could I leave now, when we have so much work to do! We have to get the great Hanguang-jun to walk again, and to play the guqin! You have to see our kids grow!”

“Our kids?”

“The bunnies, of course! Lan Zhan, so many things to do, and you want to kick me out of Cloud Recesses?”

“Never.” Lan Wangji said, with a grave face, before smiling slightly again. Wei Wuxian snickered and kissed the other man again, a bubbly feeling filling his chest.

Even months after, Wei Wuxian still felt the same feeling arise in his chest whenever he gazed at his husband, whenever he realized that he was allowed to touch, to hug, to kiss that man. When he was reminded that Lan Wangji loved him back. When he thought that, after all, he got to have the love and cherishing he had always wanted and thought he would never have.

And even as he had to watch Lan Wangji struggle to regain his footing once more, or had to postpone their trip to Caiyi because the pain was once again too unbearable to move out of bed, Wei Wuxian smiled brightly and held his hand. And Lan Wangji always returned that smile, with a hopeful gaze that told him that tomorrow would be a better day, and if not tomorrow, then the next.

“Sometimes, I think about everything that could have been, you know?” Wei Wuxian mused as they fed the colony of bunnies that now invaded the Jingshi’s back garden. Lan Wangji, with Wei Wuxian’s help, had been seated down on the porch and leisurely stroked the white fur of the oldest rabbit. “If I had realized what I felt for you when I was younger… If I had trusted you and let you help me… And then you wouldn’t-”

“I would not change it.” Lan Wangji, uncharacteristically, interrupted him. “I have Wei Ying by my side now. I wish Wei Ying would not have died, or felt the pain he felt. But I do not regret the outcome.” Lan Wangji gazed at him, his golden eyes shining brighter than the sun itself. “Everything that could have been, was not. But we have this. We have this, and this is enough.”

“Hm, this is enough. More than enough!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed as he sat down beside Lan Wangji and kissed his cheek. “All we are missing is a little one, right? Well, I guess we have plenty of bunnies!”

Lan Wangji hummed and with a long sigh, he took Wei Wuxian’s hands.

“About that… Wei Ying, do you remember A-Yuan?”

FIN