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rui stares.
it was a simple way to observe the world around him, by watching how people talked, or observing the structure of a gadget that piqued his interest. it was a way to understand, or to appreciate.
“of course! i’ll leave in your dependable hands, rui.”
beautiful things had always felt out of his reach.
as if he was only meant to watch, or listen from afar.
“thank you, tsukasa-kun.”
tsukasa breaks into a grin, and it’s such a glorious grin, he surrenders to the strange roar of his heartbeat in his ears. tsukasa, in all his beauty.
after all, beautiful things are meant to be seen, not touched.
just like how one shouldn’t touch a painting in a museum, neither could one touch wonderful music. rui was the kind of kid who was afraid to step on a flower. or to even pluck one from the ground for his own benefit, because he knew it would die. and it would be because he touched it.
“i’ll see you tomorrow then!” tsukasa exclaims, waving rui off in his pose he reserved for goodbyes. rui smiles and nods in reply.
for however long he watched, he never understood why he felt a sinking feeling when tsukasa had to leave, or why simply grazing his shoulder made him crave for more.
tsukasa’s diminishing silhouette in the distance left him feeling rather heavy.
——
sweaty palms.
the tip of his fingers were often very cold, but his palms were still sweaty today. even more so when he realised his heart was racing.
tsukasa was so close to him, leaning over to explain something about a stage direction, perhaps? he wasn’t paying attention.
or rather, he was paying too much attention to all the wrong things.
it was very hard to focus when the subtle scent of lemons constantly ate at the last of his sanity, while tsukasa was up close, explaining whatever he was. he was just a little too close for him to avoid feeling the soft and warm touch of his skin against his own, too close for him to avoid the feeling of his light breathing, to sense each one of the smallest movements he made.
ah, he’s caught himself looking a little too long at the star. it was getting scarily easier to get into deep thought while staring at tsukasa, and just a little part of him doesn’t mind.
unfortunately, he wasn’t in a museum, and it was rude to stare. rude and awkward, to put tsukasa is such an uncomfortable position. what if he creeped him out? scaring tsukasa away was the last thing he’d want.
“..do you get it?”
he feels more warmth against his cold fingertips.
tsukasa, tenma tsukasa, was holding his hand.
“here, i’ll show you how to move your hands for this dance move, instead of droning away,” rui catches tsukasa say before he zones in on his own thoughts once more.
tsukasa’s hand was unbearably warm against his own, so warm he could hear his own heart thud away inside his head. what if tsukasa heard it too?
he shifted, now standing next to rui, put his hands over his, and placed them correctly, then gently repositioning his arms to mimic the dance move. he doesn’t even recall what song or show this was for.
trying to ignore how badly his cheeks were burning, he also noticed that tsukasa’s hands were soft as a lullaby. softer than anything he’d ever felt before.
this felt so much better than staring.
“rui? i’m done with showing you the dance move.”
rui mumbles something incoherent in response.
“..you can let go now.”
his heart stops in his chest. he had been holding on for too long, way past the what was deemed a normal, just friends, hand touch for a demonstration! he barely gets any mumbled apologies out before tsukasa’s quick to reassure him again.
as he slips his fingers out of tsukasa’s own, for a little longer than the action should be, the sinking feeling returns.
..why was he feeling this way?
———
when rui first laid his eyes upon the star, he noted how his hair faded into a beautiful gradient. for all he knew, he was just a boy in the hallway with interesting hair.
but throughout the year, tsukasa makes himself impossible to ignore, and the more he catches rui’s attention, the more he keeps letting it linger on him.
excited yells across the hallways, eccentric poses, he had his attention from the very start.
as he sees him around more, rui is no longer paying attention to him because he likes the color of his hair, or anything like that, but rather, because he’s such an unusual and exceptional person. how he spoke intrigued him, how he showed off just how strong he is, and that he is capable of becoming that much stronger. he could form a stage-like setting anywhere, worthy of a stage at all times.
before he knew it, it became impossible not to watch him, to be entranced by his movements and expressions, but he knows he isn’t the only one watching him. rui doesn’t consider himself as anyone special, he’s never seen himself as more than a director, or a friend. when it came to the groups of students, or the crowd that watched their performances, some even admiring, he was just another person marvelling.
he notices how tsukasa subconsciously grabs his head when he’s panicking, he notices how tsukasa’s eyes light up a little more when he talks about saki or toya, he notices how tsukasa subconsciously brings up his fist to his chin when he’s in deep thought. it didn’t help that he had started thinking more about tsukasa than his projects. his own projects had even started surrounding around the idea of tsukasa’s amusing reactions.
but he’s just another admirer, and so, he prefers to keep to himself that he notices anything at all. observing him from afar suits him just fine, since tsukasa was just another one of his troupe mates.
he can just be content where he is, happy enough on the sidelines, oblivious to the fact that he wants more from him, that he likes him quite a bit more than he likes the other people he knows. quite frankly, love was something he’s never considered.
“hey! it’s very rude of a director to space out while a star is talking!”tsukasa’s voice breaks through rui’s reverie. “a star like me should be worthy of all your attention!“
of course, rui knew that. he already had his attention even before they spoke. but he’d never say that out loud. perhaps, his eyes were the most treacherous part of himself, the composed gaze he kept for concealing parts his emotions, completely melted away whenever it was set on him.
for reasons beyond his control, he could not help but look at the star with a tenderness he did not even know he possessed within him. it was even worse when tsukasa would smile at him, for he’d lose all control of at least three parts of himself at once : his eyes, his mind, and his heart. he was dangerous in a way he didn’t know somebody could be.
“my apologies, future star,” rui replies sheepishly. tsukasa huffs, rambling how rui seemed to be in his own world at such random timings. rui notices that he’s got their hands so close it seemed like they were resting atop one another, his hand laying against tsukasa’s. rui’s hands are usually strangely colder than the rest of his body, so by all means, his fingertips shouldn't be able to reach such an uncommon temperature, hand so hot it seemed to radiate heat.
his skin feels warmer underneath his touch, and it tingles in a funny way too. like a static shock when he makes a mistake during tinkering. except, pleasant.
“what were you thinking about, anyway?”
“..i was just thinking.”
rui’s eyes instinctively flicker to tsukasa’s forehead. sure enough, his brows are furrowed in the slightest. “thinking about what? if it’s some dangerous stunt again, it better not kill me!”
“oh? i thought a star could take on any task a director provides him,” he jabs. “after all, your reaction has always been the most valuable thing to come out of it.” there goes his inner dialogue.
tsukasa stops in his tracks.
“o-of course it should be!” he says, after a long pause, “as a future star, i’m sure my reactions are priceless!”
tsukasa shifts a little, face turned away from him. rui wishes he could whisk himself away from his conversation and forget it entirely. without looking over at rui, tsukasa asks, “..what reactions, specifically?”
his throat dries up. “any.. reactions to my inventions,” he replies vaguely. “since you’d be the one using them most.”
a horrid lie. the rest of troupe interacts with the robots during performances just as much as tsukasa does. if nene were here, she’d softly snicker at his excuse in the background.
“oh,” tsukasa eventually says. though rui couldn’t see, his expression is unreadable. rui half expects him to launch into another monologue about how he felt about the silly stunts he planned for him, or how it made him shine brighter; though, he doesn't shine as bright as tsukasa does, obviously. because that would be impossible, since tsukasa is the brightest ever, meant to shine. rui has his star monologue memorised in his head by now.
right now though, tsukasa’s not saying anything at all. he continues to face away from him in an almost meditative silence, and that's not very much like the usual tsukasa that would’ve moved on to another topic. he definitely made the conversation weird. this was his friend, after all! why bring up something as strange as spending hours on something solely to see his reaction! tsukasa was just a friend to him, so he shouldn’t be so.. entranced by him.
when he glances back down at his hands, he finds them colder than before.
———
rui’s form of loving felt soft, tender.
as many times as they took the train home together after outings, he could never get used to how close tsukasa would get. the surface of the seats would suddenly feel so small, tsukasa sitting barely any inches away from rui, chatting to him like it was the most casual thing in the world, although they were practically squished against each other in the crowded train.
“i’m so tired today!” tsukasa sighs before yawning obnoxiously, but any action from tsukasa was godly to him. he could sneeze and rui would revel in how cute he looked doing it.
rui snaps out of it immediately, what a thought to have.
he nods, hoping the action would hide the blush he had no doubt was prominent on his face. he awkwardly shuffled towards the other way a little, allowing him more room to feel comfortable in. tsukasa takes this space graciously, even so as far as to rest his head on rui’s shoulder, one of the many advantages of his height.
oh god, tsukasa’s resting on his shoulder. he should never move ever again. he looks away as quickly as he can, more flustered feelings arising from the insanely close proximity to him.
soon, tsukasa dozes off, his head burying itself the crook of his neck and his shoulder. sneaking a glance once he heard soft snoring, rui had to control every ounce in him in order to not move, or to utter a noise.
but the way his neck was positioned looked so uncomfortable, he couldn’t help but readjust his head in the slightest, so gently, like he was the most important thing in the world. truly, he already was, and it was getting hard trying to not let that show.
he froze. friends don't, and shouldn’t think that way about each other.
the luminance of the setting sun behind them gave enough definition for him to soak up. its light wasn’t harsh but warm, lowered to a comforting glow, and it painted tsukasa in such a delicate light. rui thought it suited him very nicely.
his face was relaxed, his hair tousled from sleep. stray strands of blonde flittered over his closed eyes here and there, but not enough to conceal much. intent, yellow eyes earnestly watched that face— how could he look so perfect, even when he was unconscious, away from the world around him?
no doubt, the star before his eyes was stunning, no one could debate that, but there was a certain contrast now while he slept. tsukasa looked softer, the orange hues capturing him in such a gentle light, and rui was captivated. an unsteady, slow breath shuddered from his chest, afraid of waking him up.
his face too.. rui raises a tentative hand. this was never something he would never do, get anywhere close to doing, yet a finger extends, cautious and slow. as he got closer he shivers, scaring himself to the point the finger pulled away.
but again, his hand gathered the courage before softly grazing tsukasa’s face. a sort of exhilarated thrill fluttered in his chest, similar to the thrill of successfully performing a show without any mistakes. now a smidge braver, he dragged his finger lightly down the other’s forehead, brushing away the stray strands of hair from earlier. his skin was so soft and smooth, it felt like porcelain. this was something rui had expected.
..not that he often thought of touching tsukasa’s face, but it surprised him nonetheless.
what was he doing?
rui rips his finger right away as he wakes up to his senses. it feels like his body temperature had spiked so suddenly, but as he glances back down at the boy resting on his shoulder once more,
he was beautiful.
so this was what it was. it was love, that he felt so dearly towards his own troupe leader.
his hands clenched as his emotions processed, the realisation hitting a little harder than it should’ve. it all made sense now, the new information so simple to take in, along with the tranquil atmosphere, the ease of it seeping into the mood.
as his simple admiration developed more and more over time, even as he was on dangerous the verge of falling in love with him, rui somehow, still finds a way to completely miss out on all of that.
feeling rather silly, he felt a smile creep onto his face, another gentle wave crashing over the dampened sand of his chest. everything fell into place now, this realisation. an epiphany.
he was in love with tenma tsukasa.