Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

*Zeus created the group chat*

*Zeus added Hera, Poseidon, Persephone, Athena, Ares, Hermes, Hephaestus, Aphrodite, Apollo, Artemis, Hestia, Demeter, Dionysus, Europa, Semele, Metis, Danaë, Leto, Mnemosyne, Calisto, Io, Themis, Dione, Alcmene, +15 more

Hera: why are you adding all of these other women

Zeus: their gods too Hera, I’m not gonna flirt with them. for now

Hera: pardon me?

Zeus: sorry that was a typo. I meant to say… not now

Hera: well why isn’t hades in here?

Zeus: um, i don't think he gets connection from down there

*Hera has added hades*

Hera: you were saying?

Hades: hi everyone I’m putting this chat on mute because you’re all annoying

Apollo: can y’all stop blowing up my phone? I’m trying to drive

Artemis: just mute the chat idiot

Apollo: ok ok sheesh

*Hephaestus has started a FaceTime call*

*Hephaestus has ended FaceTime call*

Aphrodite: what was that about

Hephaestus: it was an accident, jeez you’re sounding like my mother.

Hera: um, excUSE ME

*Hephaestus has been kicked from the chat*

*BadboySupreme has joined the chat*

Hermes: Hephaestus?

BadboySupreme: nah close tho

Apollo: get out of our fucking chat Valdez

BadboySupreme: *le gasp* Zeus he said a bad language word

Persophone: was that an avengers age of ultron reference?

BadboySupreme: damn straight

Zeus: oh my Zeus

*BadboySupreme has been kicked from the chat*

Hermes: what'd ya do that for? Things were finally getting interesting

Zeus: i will not have a mortal in this chat

Hera: but what about all those mortal women you added

*Zeus is typing*

*Zeus has left the group chat*

Hera: figures

Dionysus: holy me why are there so many new notifications

Apollo: welcome to the club

Dionysus: …

Dionysus: i dont have enough wine for this

Ares: HEY GUYS WHATD I MISS

Athena: Oh my gods. Ares you put caps lock on again.

Ares: HUH

Athena: Just press that button with the arrow on it.

Ares: OK

Ares: UM ITS NOT WORKING

Ares: WHAT DO I DO NOW

Ares: HOLD ON IS this it?

Ares: hey look its fixed

Athena: Good job.

Ares: is that sarcasm? it's hard to tell in a chat

Athena: No, that's me being sincere. Of course it's sarcasm.

Demter: wtf why are there so many mortal women in this chat?

Hera: ask Zeus

Demeter: cant he just be faithful for once?

Hera: no thats not how they're programed

Poseidon: are you lumping me in with him?

Hera: yes

Demeter: yes

Hades: even I'm a better guy than you people

Poseidon: well well, look who's back

Apollo: so much for muting the chat

Hades: only like 40 people died today. It's been a slow day

Hestia: Fair enough

Artemis: apollo arent you supposed to be driving rn?

Apollo: um, I'm at a red light

Artemis: *sigh*

Aphrodite: omg u guys i just got the cutest new dress 🤩😇💗👗😊😍😍😍

Poseidon: Aphrodite whats up with all the emojis?

Aphrodite: they're just so cute arent they? 💖💗💖💞💓💕❤😻😍😍

Ares: you're so cute 😘

*Hephaestus has hacked his way into the group chat*

Hephaestus: OH MY GODS ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FLIRTING WITH MY WIFE RIGHT NOW?!?

Ares: looks like someone else doesn't know how to turn off caps lock

Hephaestus: YES I DO!! IM DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!

Ares: ok dude take a massive chill pill

Hephaestus: I REFUSE TO TAKE ANY PILLS!!

Hera: Hephaestus? I thought I banned you for bad-mouthing your mother, didn't I young man??

Hephaestus: um… um… um…

*Hephaestus has left the chat*

Hera: like father like son

Ares: what a hothead

Hera: Ares! Be nice

Ares: what else am I supposed to call him? He's the god of volcanoes. hes literally a hothead

Hera: …

Hera: good point

Poseidon: YOOOOO there's a trident emoji! 🔱🌊

Demeter: you just realized that?

Artemis: ooh cool there's bows and arrows too 🏹🏹

Apollo: nice nice nice but check this out…

Apollo: 🎶🎵🪕🎼🎸🎹🎷🥁🎻🎺🎙

Apollo: BAM! Music. Is. Superior.

Chapter Text

*One hour later*

Apollo: guys it's been an hour since I sent that text

Apollo: and i can see that everyone's still online rn

Apollo: don't yall think music is superior?

Everyone: not really

Apollo: excUSE ME

Apollo: if only there were other people here who can appreciate this art

Apollo: 💡

Apollo: brb guys

*Zeus has entered the chat*

*Apollo added Calliope, Terpsichore, Erato, Euterpe, Urania, Thalia, Clio, Melpomene, and Polyhymnia*

Apollo: welcome ladies!

Hermes: really dude

Apollo: what? These are my gals, my squad, my fam

Zeus: so now ur allowed to invite your girlfriends into the chat and I'm not?

Apollo: i needed to talk to people who actually have good taste

Hera: *clears throat* what was that Zeus?

Zeus: …

*Zeus has left the chat*

Hera: Jesus Christ

Hermes: I feel like it's illegal if a greek god swears by something christian

Persephone: yea that just feels wrong

Hera: well excuse me for being angry at my husband

Hermes: ur excused

Apollo: *snickers*

Hermes: *snickers*

Hera: 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Hera: finally the emojis are good for something

Hera: do i need to ban you two?

Hermes: no

Apollo: no

Hermes: we'll be good, right Apollo

Apollo: yes definitely 🤞

Hera: ???

Apollo: I meant 🤟. I 100% meant 🤟

Hera: …

Hera: ooookay…

Artemis: you did not 100% mean that

Apollo: yes i did. What do you know anyway?

Chapter Text

*BadboySupreme has entered the chat*

Poseidon: not again Valdez

*Calypso was added to the chat*

Apollo: and your girlfriend? Really Valdez?

Hephaestus: I’m so proud

Calypso: I really don't want to be a part of whatever this is, so I'm just gonna mute the chat and hope for the best

Hera: smart

Zeus: Hephaestus stop blasting single lady’s I swear by all the gods

BadboySupreme: Oh my gods i LOVE that song

Hephaestus: it’s so good I have all the Choreography memorized

BadboySupreme: omg sameeeee

Hephaestus: like father like son am I right

Demeter: I will strangle you if I have to hear that song again

Hades: ooOh please do!

Hera: not you too

Persephone: aren’t we not supposed to condone violence?

Ares: what's the fun in that?

*BadboySupreme has added SeaweedBrain, WiseGirl, BlondeSuperman, BeautyQueen, MissMetalDetector, ItalianWallLizard, ChineseCanadianBabyMan, PineconeFace, RaRa, RedheadedNightmare, ArcherDude*

Zeus: OH MY GODS VALDEZ REALLY???

SeaweedBrain: sup Dad

Poseidon: sup

Athena: I swear to the gods Jackson…

MissMetalDetector: what did we just join?

PineconeFace: I really dont wanna know

BadboySupreme: weeeeelcome to family feud! Place your bets now!

Zeus: Valdez… i promise I WILL vaporize you

BadboySupreme: it wouldn’t be the first time

Hephaestus: dont vaporize my son or I will turn the volume up

Demeter: nO

Zeus: …

*Zeus has left the chat*

SeaweedBrain: he really has a thing for leaving the chat huh

Hera: tell me about it

Leto: he’s so dramatic, just like his wife

Hera: excUSE ME

Leto: I said what I said bItCh

Hera: do not tAlk to mE that waY bITCH

*Leto was kicked from the chat*

Zeus: well what'd ya do that for?

Hera: …

Hera: i dont want to deal with this

*Hera has left the chat*

WiseGirl: HA I WIN YOU ALL OWE ME TWENTY DOLLARS!!

Athena: Annabeth? What the hell?

Hermes: again with the christian swearing

Athena: *ignoring Hermes* What was that about?

WiseGirl: we bet on who could make Hera leave the chat first

WiseGirl: and I bet on one of Zeus's girlfriends

Athena: …

Athena: That was smart. You're definitely one of my children.

WiseGirl: thank u

Chapter Text

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: so… gods… what do you guys even talk about in a group chat?

Apollo: um…

Apollo: really important… godly stuff

Apollo: like stuff that might break the entire freakin universe as we know it

SeaweedBrain: really? Cuz the chat history says otherwise

Apollo: YOU MORTAL WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT IMPORTANT GODLY STUFF IS

SeaweedBrain: so, is it just gossiping and banning people for being disrespectful?

Apollo: ...

Apollo: that's pretty much it yea

Artemis: don't forget making fun of everyone else

Apollo: OOOH yea

BlondeSuperman: are you sure that it's practical to have a useful chat for only miscellaneous purposes?

Zeus: it's ok son dont worry

Zeus: we've got things under control

BadboySupreme: oh my gods did you see what's happening on the news?

BadboySupreme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iik25wqIuFo

*One second later*

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGH

Everyone: valDEZ!!!!!!!!!!

WiseGirl: was I the only one smart enough to not press the link?

BlondeSuperman: how'd you know not to press it?

WiseGirl: cause I know Leo

BeautyQueen: good point

Zeus: what the actual Tartarus Valdez

BadboySupreme: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

BadboySupreme: get Rickrolled!!!

Hephaestus: *tears up* I am so proud of you

SeaweedBrain: good one dude

Apollo: even I didn't see that coming

RedheadedNightmare: I did

Apollo: omg Rachel hiiiiiiiii hru

RedheadedNightmare: ok ig, considering I just spewed out another end of world prophecy that might destroy the universe next week

ItalianWallLizard: so, same old same old

RedheadedNightmare: yep

ArcherDude: Valdez why's my username Archerdude?

BadboySupreme: cuz ur a son of Apollo duh

BadboySupreme: even i knew that

ArcherDude: how many times do I have to tell u, IN NOT A FRIGGIN ARCHER IM A HEALER

BadboySupreme: close enough

Apollo: you are my son tho

ItalianWallLizard: back tf up everyone

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: LANGUAGE! Tabarnak you imbeciles *shakes head*

BadboySupreme: HEY thats my thing

Aphrodite: tf? that wasnt even french

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: thats the whole point

Zeus: oh my gods ENOUGH!!!

*Zeus has banned BadboySupreme, SeaweedBrain, WiseGirl, BlondeSuperman, BeautyQueen, MissMetalDetector, ItalianWallLizard, ChineseCanadianBabyMan, Pinecone Face, RaRa, RedheadedNightmare, ArcherDude, and Calypso*

Chapter Text

Zeus: thank me they're finally gone

Hephestus: fuck you, you kicked out the only entertainment we’ve had for ages

Apollo: LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Artemis: alright thats enough apollo

Apollo: well excUSE me

Zeus: finally no more interruptions

*Kronos has entered the group chat*

Kronos: what's up guys

Zeus: ummm

Zeus: what the actual Tartarus

Zeus: what in the actual sweet chili kentucky fried fuck

Hera: KRONOS??? EXCUSE ME??

Poseidon: what are you doing here? How are you even here?

Kronos: oh yeah i forgot to mention Tartarus got a new wifi router so now we have like 5 bars

Apollo: 5 bars? Why does Tartarus have better wifi than we do?

Hades: the big guy upgraded his router

Zeus: I really don't want to talk to you right now so i'm just gonna go ahead and kick you out

Kronos: WAIT

Zeus: why

Kronos: i want to make things right

Hestia: excuse me? You literally ate us. How would you possibly make thing right

Kronos: yes, I know I was kind of a dick back in the day, but I promise I've changed

Hades: do you want a list of all the things you've done?

Kronos: not really

Hades: too bad

Hades:
Subject: kronos sucks
You killed your father, you usurped the throne, you ate your children, you abused your wife, you treated your siblings like trash, you forced the cyclopes and the Hecatoncheires to work against their will, and then threw them into Tartarus for being quote on quote "too ugly", you...
View entire message >

Kronos: ok I see ur point

Hestia: do you know what you've done to us?

Kronos: yes

Hestia: and you regret nothing?

Kronos: if I say no, will you give me a second chance?

Everyone: oh my gods

Demeter: seriously? Is he being fr rn

Zeus: if ur being sincere, we might forgive you. might

Kronos: really?

Zeus: HA LOL NOPE

*Zeus has permanently kicked Kronos out of the chat*

Hestia: it's about time

Athena: You said it.

Poseidon: he was starting to get on my last nerve

Hestia: he's been on my last nerve since the minute I was born. Destroying him the first time was the most satisfying thing that had happened to me

Zeus: damn little sis. ya got a dark side

Hestia: for the last time, I AM NOT YOUR LITTLE SISTER. I am older than ALL OF YOU

Poseidon: really? i dont think thats right

Hera: it is tho. You just think you're the oldest because of the order we were barfed out

Zeus: oh yeah. But still, I'm the one who rescued all of you, so technically I'm the oldest

Demeter: what no. How is that ur logic

Poseidon: it makes sense when you think about it

Hera: how tf does that make sense

Zeus: best not to overthink it

Hestia: oh my gods

Hera: fine whatever. I don't even care anymore I just want this conversation to be over

Chapter Text

Apollo: help im bored

Athena: What are we supposed to do about that?

Apollo: idfk just make life interesting or something

Zeus: ya know whatd be fun?

Apollo: what

Zeus: a group meeting on punctuation and tardiness

Apollo: ugh hard pass

Zeus: oh grow up you baby. we all need to have a talk about attendance anyway

Everyone: ughhhhhhh

Zeus: fine then. we could just smite some mortals of something

Ares: ooh I could get down for that

Dionysus: same here

Zeus: I was being sarcastic tho

Zeus: but whatever. whatever floats your boat

Dionysus: hey apollo wanna rain down another plague on the mortals

Apollo: eh not really that's kinda getting old

Ares: u wanna start a huge conflict between different nations

Apollo: been there down that got the t-shirt

Hermes: hear me out, what about a zombie apocalypse or something

Ares: eh

Dionysus: 💡

Dionysus: hold on

Dionysus: what if we turned the mortal worlds wine supply into water?

Apollo: …

Apollo: THATS BRILLIANT

Ares: mortals love wine! this is perfect

Apollo: without their precious wine, the mortal world will fall apart

Hermes: do it

Dionysus: *snaps fingers* done

*5 seconds later*

Ares: r the mortals screaming out in agony yet?

Apollo: i dont really hear anything

Hermes: they seem fine

Dionysus: oh yeah i kinda forgot they still have beer and other stuff

Dionysus: they don't need to rely only on wine cause they have a bunch of other substitutes

Ares: welp

Ares: that kinda backfired

Apollo: how dare those mortals create their own alcohol substitutes

Hermes: the audacity

Chapter Text

Athena: Ugh. Hephaestus is bothering me again.

Artemis: oh I'm so sorry

Aphrodite: of course he is

Aphrodite: wait

Aphrodite: r we gonna have a girls gossip session?

Demeter: ig

Aphrodite: *squeal*

Artemis: first of all, aren't men the worst?

Hestia: totally

Athena: Preach, sister.

Demeter: you said it

Aphrodite: well, i mean, i dont mind them

Artemis: of course you dont

Athena: They're all like, "I'm a man so I get to do whatever I want. I'm also better than every woman, and I deserve more stuff than them."

Hestia: totally! you don't know how bad men can be until you've had to deal with your younger brothers thinking they're older than you

Demeter: I hear you. Technically, you're supposed to be the queen of olympus tho

Hestia: …

Hestia: that IS true

Artemis: ugh, men. why do you think I hang out around a bunch of women all day?

Athena: That's smart, though.

Hephaestus: should I be scared?

Aphrodite: yes

Hephaestus: well, I just open the chat and y'all r shit talking me, and men in general

Zeus: I hope you all know that I AM the rightful ruler of Olympus, not to mention just, merciful, courageous, respectful, ambitious, protective, caring, generous, loving, intelligent, fearless,...
View entire message >

Apollo: …

Apollo: 🤣🤣

Apollo: good one

Zeus: ?

Apollo: oh was that not a joke

Apollo: my bad

*Apollo has been kicked from the chat*

Ares: well what'd ya do that for?

Athena: Girls, next time we gossip, we create a separate chat.

Artemis: agreed

Aphrodite: ditto

Chapter Text

*Loki has invited himself into the group chat*

Loki: well hello there

Poseidon: tf? U even a greek god or what?

Loki: no. im better

Persephone: I know who this is. He's a norse god

Loki: half-giant, actually, but never mind. I'm the god of mischief

Hermes: mischief, eh? We'll get along just fine

Hera: say, what are you doing here?

Loki: I got bored of the other group chat I was in. Thor wouldn't stop blowing up the chat with goat memes and rickrolls

Athena: Sounds like someone else I know.

Athena: *cough* Dionysus *cough*

Dionysus: well sOrrY

Dionysus: and that reminds me

Dionysus:

(insert very dry meme)
Hermes: 🤦♂️

Dionysus:

(insert another very dry meme)
Dionysus: also that

Dionysus: ur welcome

Everyone: 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️

Loki: well that was fun. not

Loki: i think you are all even more annoying than my arrogant nephew. dont know how that's even possible, yet here we are

Apollo: we're just one of a kind

Zeus: how'd you get back here?

Hera: I let him in

Zeus: why tho? I thought you hated him

Hera: even I've gotta admit, he's grown on me. The other one, not so much

Artemis: um, excUSE ME?!? "The other one"??

Loki: anyways, long story short, you are all incredibly annoying and I don't want to deal with you

Zeus: you dare call my council annoying in my own group chat?? Any last words before I kick you out?

Loki: no need, drama queen. I'll leave on my own free will. Time to go bother the Egyptians. I wonder what Horus is up to

*Loki has left the group chat of his own free will*

Poseidon: those poor Egyptians

Hera: may their souls be blessed

Chapter Text

Persephone: hey why are no other minor gods here

Persephone: just curious

Zeus: well, um… I can explain…

Hera: so, you invited all the female minor gods, but none of the male minor gods

Hera: hmmm

Hera: buddy

Zeus: I did that because the group chat would be insane if EVERYBODY were in it

Zeus: I just didn't want the women to feel left out

All female gods: wow zeus

Mnemosyne: We don't even wanna really be here tbh

Io: Are we allowed to leave?

Hera: by all means

*Europa, Semele, Metis, Danaë, Leto, Mnemosyne, Leda, Calisto, Io, Themis, Dione, Alcmene, Eurynome, +15 more have left the group chat*

Hera: finally

Apollo: wait the muses are allowed to stay right?

Zeus: yes whatever

Apollo: awesome

Calliope: y r we even here?

Apollo: to show these uneducated losers what music and visual arts is all about

Euterpe: ooh we should talk about music theory *laughs evilly*

Ares: oh hell no. absolutely not

Clio: perhaps they need a history lesson

Melpomene: or better yet, they watch a Shakespearean tragedy

Dionysus: ugh hard pass

Melpomene: but ur missing out. there's fighting, death, betrayal, and did I mention fighting

Ares: you had me at fighting

Apollo: there's also tons of kick-ass insults and dick jokes

Zeus: sounds like a time

Apollo: so you'll watch one? 😃

Everyone: ehhh maybe

Apollo: wow

Apollo: and to think I believed you could change

Apollo: Euterpe, start up that music theory lesson

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGH

*Everyone except for Apollo and the 9 Muses have left the group chat*

Apollo: well then

Apollo: congratulations, we now have the whole group chat to ourselves 🍻

Thalia: what do we do now?

Polyhymnia: I never really wanted to be here in the first place, so idfc

Apollo: we get to run things now

Apollo: so…

Apollo: anything interesting happened lately?

Erato: I recently had a poetry battle with a mortal who lost

Erato: BADLY

Apollo: high-five ✋

Urania: jupiter lined up with venus yesterday, throwing mars off its game, so that was interesting

Apollo: fun

Terpsichore: I invented a new dance move yesterday. I call it the Bandsaw

Apollo: can't wait to try it out!

*1 minute later*

Apollo: is it weird that I miss the others

Calliope: not really

Apollo: I miss their shenanigans

Apollo: and I miss my bro Hermes

Thalia: im just gonna go prepare for me and Melpomene's matinee show. Its gonna be so funny! ttyl

Melpomene: ugh, we all know it's going to be a disaster. Wait up

*Thalia has left the group chat*

*Melpomene has left the group chat*

Urania: I also need to go. Saturn is parallel with Pluto for the first time in centuries

*Urania has left the group chat*

Terpsichore: we've also gotta go and do our variety show in Crete

*Terpsichore, Erato, Clio, Euterpe and Polyhymnia have left the group chat*

Calliope: see ya Apollo

*Calliope has left the group chat*

Apollo: and now I'm all alone

Apollo: so this is what loneliness feels like

Apollo: it's so empty

Apollo: and quiet

*Hermes is online*

Hermes: dont worry bro, I'd never leave you

Apollo: *wipes tear from cheek* thanks bro

Hermes: Say, ya wanna go prank a bunch of unsuspecting mortals with Eros and his love arrows?

Apollo: you know me so well, of course I do

Hermes: let's roll out

Hermes: this will be great

Chapter Text

Ares: help I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and now I think I'm in Tartarus

Athena: Why do you think you're in Tartarus?

Ares: because there's lava, red rocks, and monsters everywhere

Dionysus: sounds like Tartarus

Artemis: no it doesn't. I should know, I've been there

Ares: well, wherever I am, I'm scared

Apollo: awwwww is the big bad war god afraid of a few itty bitty monsters

Ares: I swear on the styx i will strangle you when I return

*3 seconds later*

Ares: AAAAHHHHHH I'm being attacked

Hermes: by what?

Ares: huge skeletons with swords. Holy me why are they so strong

Athena: Oh my gods Ares are you doing what I think you're doing?

Ares: maybe

Athena: You're literally playing Minecraft right now?

Ares: so what

Ares: AAAAHHHH HELP

Apollo: does the big bad war god need his friends to rescue him from the scary video game dimension?

Ares: I swear by everything that is greek I will destroy you

Ares: but please help me I don't know how to get back

Poseidon: fine

Demeter: what's your username?

Ares: @ares_is_da_bomb123

Artemis: that is the most conceited username I've ever heard

Apollo: found it

Ares: ur username is @hot_boy777?

Apollo: yeah so what

Ares: …

Ares: whatever

Hephaestus: I’m @live_long_and_prosper

Artemis: oh my gods

Hephaestus: 🖖

Demeter: I'm in

Artemis: @eat_your_vegetables?

Demeterer: that's the one

Poseidon: I'm @the_real_aquaman btw

Artemis: am I the only one with a normal username?

Hermes: well what's yours

Artemis: @artemis

Hephaestus: that's just so boring tho

Apollo: some say the username reflects the personality

Artemis: …

Artemis: apollo… watch your goddamn back

Apollo: love you too ❤️

Hermes: can someone add me? Im @the_lucky_trickster

Demeter: alright gimme a minute

Athena: Okay, I'm in. Where is everyone else?

Poseidon: are you @pallas_athena?

Athena: yes

Poseidon: look behind you

Athena: Oh Jesus Christ.

Hermes: ADD IT TO THE CHRISTIAN SWEAR JAR!!!

Athena: 🤦♂️

Hephaestus: Ares where's the portal

Ares: I think it was somewhere with dirt and rocks

Artemis: wow, so helpful 👏

Ares: well sOrrY I can't remember the exact coordinates

Athena: Well, that's alright. We'll just make another one.

Demeter: we need materials, first of all

Artemis: I'll go hunting for food. Brb

Hephaestus: I'll go get stones and shit

Athena: I'll get some wood.

Apollo: woo go team

*3 minutes later*

Demeter: Hephaestus how'd you build a shelter already?

Hephaestus: this ain't my first rodeo, I'm not some kinda noob

Athena: It looks great so far.

Hephaestus: thank you

Demeter: I just started a farm but the crops are taking forever

Hermes: it's been like 25 seconds

Demeter: yeah well normally it takes like 2 seconds

Demeter: this is so boring

Demeter: oOoOOh a wolf

Poseidon: AAAHHH I'M DROWNING WHY AM I DROWNING??

Apollo: maybe because you don't have same powers here

Poseidon: I hate this game already

Poseidon: I AM YOUR KING YOU WILL OBEY ME

Poseidon: help the fish arent listening to me

Demeter: 🤦♂️

Poseidon: THIS ZOMBIE IS USING A TRIDENT AGAINST ME

Poseidon: HOW DARE YOU I WILL SMITE YOU

Poseidon: Whose got the trident now? This guy

Ares: well that's the 3rd house that's been destroyed

Athena: What's happening to them?

Ares: these ghost things keep attacking it

Hephaestus: oh yeah those

Hermes: look guys it's nighttime

Demeter: now everyone get inside before you all die

Athena: I just need to chop down this one last tree.

Athena: Almost done.

*3 seconds later*

Athena: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH GIANT SPIDERS GET AWAY FROM ME!!!

Hephaestus: oh yeah I should've mentioned those

Athena: That would've been helpful.

Athena: Whoever thought of making giant spiders should be cursed until the end of time.

Hermes: really not a fan of them, are ya?

Athena: No shit, Sherlock.

Demeterer: everyone shut up and go to sleep so this horrible night can be over with

Poseidon: alright

Ares: please hurry I don't know how long I'll last

Artemis: stop whimpering you baby

*BadboySupreme has re-entered the group chat*

BadboySupreme: will the others make it in time to save Ares from a fate worse than death? Will he be able to survive the dimension he's stuck in? Tune in next week!

Everyone: valDEZ!!!

Chapter Text

BadboySupreme: on last week's edition of The Real Gods of Olympus, Ares got himself stuck in quite a sticky situation, and pleaded to the others so they could save him. Now, they're trying to survive the perilous jungle, while attempting to keep their sanity intact. Let's see how this plays out!

Artemis: alright valdez shut the fuck up

*BadboySupreme has been kicked from the group chat*

Demeter: good morning everyone

Apollo: good morning

Demeter: don't forget to have a good and healthy breakfast and OH MY GODS HERMES WHY ARE YOU EATING COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST???

Hermes: cause i have nothing else to eat and this is the only food I have on me

Demeter: so irresponsible

Demeter: I'm gonna throw you some stew and you better eat it all

Demeter: and i don’t want to hear any complaining

Hermes: yes, "mom"

*2 seconds later*

Hermes: this is literally suspicious stew I can't eat this

Demeter: yes you will it's good for protein

Demeter: now eat all of it or I will sick my wolf on you

Hermes: alright, down the hatch

*3 seconds later*

Hermes: and now I have food poisoning

Hermes: so wonderful

Hephaestus: I've got extra diamond tools if some of yall want them

Artemis: how tf?

Hephaestus: like I said, ain't my first rodeo

Apollo: we just need obsidian now

Poseidon: is obsidian like a very dark black rock

Hephaestus: yeah did you see any?

Poseidon: maybe

Poseidon: I passed a trashed ruins site and it had some of that on it

Demeter: and why didn't you say any of that before?

Poseidon: it never really occurred to me

Hermes: 🤦♂️

Athena: Alright then, let's go.

*2 minutes later*

Poseidon: oh look there it is

Hephaestus: there's enough obsidian to make a full portal

Apollo: well that's convenient

Apollo: can I pretty please light it up?

Hephaestus: um sure?

Apollo: yay

Apollo: 🔥🔥🔥

Apollo: *arson*

Artemis: alright someone needs to take the flint and steel away from Apollo

*10 seconds later*

Artemis: here we are in the NETHER, not Tartarus Ares

Ares: sooOooOorRy

Ares: I'm by the castle thingy

Hephaestus: the fortress?

Ares: yeah that's it

Ares: there’s a bunch of skeleton dudes and fiery dudes and ghosty dudes and lava-y dudes

Ares: yo I see you!

Demeter: it's about time

Demeter: now let's get out of this literal hell-hole

*Meanwhile, back in the overworld*

Ares: the sun! I thought I'd never see you again

Apollo: yeah that's not weird, considering I'M the sun

Ares: whatever

Ares: well that was fun

Athena: Are you serious? You were complaining and screaming the entire time.

Ares: yeah, but that's what made it fun. The adrenaline

Ares: “there is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at with no result” - Winston Churchhill

Ares: see i’m smart

Everyone: 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️

Chapter Text

Dionysus: guys guys guys ive got the most exciting news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀😀😀

Zeus: well what

Dionysus…

Dionysus: (i’m pausing for dramatic effect)

Dionysus: I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!

Everyone: um… what?

Dionysus: i’m tying the knot guys i thought y’all would be happier

Hera: don't you already have a wife tho?

Dionysus: eh that wasn't important

Hera: you literally made her immortal

Hera: i'll see what she has to say about this

*Hera has added Ariadne*

Ariadne: um Dionysus what the hell

Hermes: we need to actually start a christian swear jar

Hera: you go do that

Dionysus: listen babe it’s not you it’s me

Ariadne: well who are you marrying then?

Dionysus: this grapevine!!

Dionysus: *an image*

Dionysus: don’t we look so cute together?

Everyone: …

Everyone: bro what???????

Apollo: r u high again?

Dionysus: i’ve never felt better in my life

Ariadne: well

Ariadne: i’m sure you two will be very happy together

Ariadne: of course i fall in love with another guy who cheats on me and abandons me

Ariadne: i hope you have a nice life, dick

Aphrodite: WAIT don't go

Ariadne: why

Aphrodite: he isn’t in love with a grapevine

Aphrodite: he’s under Eros’s love spell

*cue dramatic music*

Athena: That makes a lot of sense.

Aphrodite: Dionysus, how did you fall in love with the grapevine?

Dionysus: well, i vaguely remember a guy coming up to me and saying here’s the new love of your life, and then he hands me a grapevine

Aphrodite: oh my gods

Aphrodite: i'll deal with this

*Aphrodite has added Eros*

Aphrodite: Eros what were you thinking??

Eros: what? I was bored okay

Aphrodite: if you do not reverse the effects I will ground you for a month

Eros: noOoOoOooOooOO

*Dionysus is no longer in love with a grapevine*

Dionysus: how dare you. Like what the actual fuck

Dionysus: Ariadne i’m so sorry

Ariadne: it’s okay it's not your fault

Dionysus: ur right we can blame Eros

Eros: I said I was sorry

Aphrodite: we’re gonna have a talk when we get home, do you understand?

Eros: yes mom

Aphrodite: good

*Aphrodite has left the group chat*

Eros: alright she’s gone

Apollo: wdym by that?

*10 seconds later*

Apollo: Eros?????

Apollo: oh hey how’d you get here?

Apollo: wait BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE ARROWS

Artemis: APOLLO GET OUT OF THERE

*6 seconds later*

Artemis: Apollo??

Artemis: i swear if you’re dead I’m gonna kill you

*3 seconds later*

Apollo: Hermes?

Hermes: yeah buddy?

Apollo: I’ve never really noticed how attractive you are until now

Hermes: oh my god

*Hermes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Ares: jesus christ

*Ares has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Dionysus: I’m gonna need another drink

Chapter Text

*BadboySupreme has entered the group chat*

BadboySupreme: I'm baaaaaaaack! Hold the applause

Zeus: holy me what now

Hera: don’t you have better things to do than bother us?

BadboySupreme: eh not really

BadboySupreme: except i come with a message from camp half blood

Hermes: r u trying to steal my job valdez??

Zeus: what is it

BadboySupreme: well Chiron wants a new orientation video for the new campers, and he wants y’all to be in it

Apollo: well what was wrong with the last one?

BadboySupreme: …

Apollo: valdez????

BadboySupreme: ahhh i’m just the messenger please don’t shoot me

BadboySupreme: most people think it’s weird

Apollo: pArDoN????

BadboySupreme: well u r kinda running around with booty shorts on at one point

BadboySupreme: and you have a doo-wop choir too

Apollo: oh come on that was hip in the 50s

BadboySupreme: yeah well most people don’t like stuff that anymore

BadboySupreme: @SeaweedBrain said and i quote “AHHHHH my retinas!”

*SeaweedBrain has entered the group chat*

SeaweedBrain: valdez what do you want?

Apollo: jackson did you really hate my orientation video?

SeaweedBrain: oh yeah i wrote a whole book about it

SeaweedBrain: it’s called Camp Half-Blood Confidential btw

Artemis: ooh a book making fun of my brother

Artemis: i’ll take a few

Artemis: apollo do you remember where mom’s living now? I wanna send her one

Apollo: …

*SeaweedBrain has been kicked from the group chat*

Aphrodite: anyways we were talking about making a movie?

Aphrodite: i’ll gladly be the leading lady

BadboySupreme: no that’s not how it works

Ares: well in that case i want to be the leading man

Zeus: no if anything I’m the leading man IM THE FRIGGIN KING FOR CHRIST’S SAKE

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

BadboySupreme: guys guys guys, this video is supposed to highlight everybody

BadboySupreme: we have most of it done, we just need some clips of y’all

Athena: What do you need from us?

BadboySupreme: a clip of y’all talking about yourselves

BadboySupreme: and DON'T get carried away

BadboySupreme: i don’t need 4 hour long videos from each of you bragging about yourself

Apollo: ugh fine

Apollo: it’ll be hard, tho

*5 minutes later*

BadboySupreme: alright I think I’ve got everyone’s

BadboySupreme: oh wait Poseidon where’s yours?

Poseidon: gimme a minute i’m trying to get a shot of me creating a tsunami

*2 minutes later*

Poseidon: alright done

Poseidon: hope it was worth it

BadboySupreme: did you just destroy a city?

Poseidon: …

Poseidon: maybe

Everyone: 🤦♂️

BadboySupreme: these look… interesting

BadboySupreme: i’ll send them to Chiron

Dionysus: ooh valder when you make the video you should include these:

Dionysus:
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/76/45/a5/7645a58bc5c074897257c0b4b49afd54.jpg

https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1563821777i/27869379.png

BadboySupreme: first of all, Valder??? Bruh I know you know my name

BadboySupreme: second of all, 🤦♂️

Dionysus: what? I thought it was funny

Aphrodite: don’t forget to put me at the beginning

Zeus: don’t listen to her, I’m going first

Ares: no way jose! If anyone’s going first, it should be me

Athena: Does it really matter?

Everyone else: YES

Poseidon: i deserve it more than all of you

Demeter: no I’m the oldest Olympian i should go first

Aphrodite: did you forget Ouranos is my father? That makes ME the oldest

Everyone: *insert sounds of yelling*

BadboySupreme: oy vey

Dionysus: if ur talking about the trojan war I have something else you can use

Dionysus:
https://i.imgflip.com/5uwt8v.jpg

BadboySupreme: …

*BadboySupreme has left the group chat*

Chapter Text

*silence*

*boredom*

Hephaestus: …

Hephaestus: when’s the last time anything fun happened?

Persephone: idk

Apollo: it’s been awhile

Ares: we could go smite some more mortals or something

Dionysus: eh that’s getting old

Hephaestus: you people are no fun

Hephaestus: we’re doing a murder mystery and I’m not taking no for an answer

Everyone: ughhhhh

Hades: ooh did someone say murder mystery

Zeus: what you actually enjoy those?

Hades: you don’t?

Hephaestus: anyways i’ve randomly assigned roles and I’ll be dm-ing you all

*2 minutes later*

Hephaestus: everyone good?

Everyone: yep

Hephaestus: ok

Hephaestus: i’ll be narrating

Ares: i have a question

Ares: are we actually gonna die?

Hephaestus:...

Hephaestus: we’ll have to wait and see

Ares: um pardon me?

Hephaestus: alright so I’m setting the story in Olympus, obviously, and you’ll just play yourselves

Hephaestus: here’s everyone that’s playing: Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, Hera, Demeter, Hestia, Athena, Ares, Apollo, Artemis, Aphrodite, Hermes, Dionysus, and Persephone

Hephaestus: no backing out now

Poseidon: alright then

Hephaestus: people with important roles send me your choices

*2 minutes later*

Hephaestus: So, in the middle of the night, the Queen of Olympus had been brutally murdered by unknown murderers.

Everyone: *gasp*

Hepaestus: Hera had a peacock feather jammed in her throat

Ghost of Hera: now that’s just mean

Hephaestus: the bodyguard was a bit busy with guarding Hermes all night

Hermes: whew

Hephaestus: now Hera, who were you?

Ghost of Hera: i was a friggin mason

Ghost of Hera: i wasn’t even important or anything

Hephaestus: anyways, moving on. Anyone have any accusations?

Hermes: Zeus

Zeus: wow that didn’t take long

Zeus: but why?

Hermes: cause you and Hera share a room so you’d have the perfect opportunity

Demeter: he raises a fair point

Zeus: I didn’t do it tho

Hephaestus: alright 1 for Zeus. Anyone else?

Zeus: Hermes was quick to accuse me, so I’m gonna accuse him right back

Hermes: how dare you

Hephaestus: so it’s Zeus vs Hermes. Dm me ur vote

*30 seconds later*

Hephaestus: The results are in

Hephaestus: You all have dragged Zeus away and flung him off the edge of the mountain

Ghost of Zeus: rude.

Ghost of Zeus: that’s also technically anarchy btw

Hephaestus: And, as Zeus was falling, Hades ran after him and jumped so he could be with the love of his life in Elysium

Everyone: 😦

Ghost of Hades: oh jesus christ

*Hades has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Ghost of Hera: so you cheated on me with your brother??

Ghost of Zeus: wouldn’t be the first time

Ghost of Hera: um, pArdON?????

Ghost of Zeus: nothing. Don’t worry about it

Hephaestus: Zeus, Hades, please reveal your roles

Ghost of Zeus: I was a murderer

Hermes: I KNEW IT!!!!!!!! I CALLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ghost Hades: i was the prince

Ghost of Hades: but whatever

Apollo: so we got a murderer first round

Apollo: up top ✋

Hephaestus: y’all know the deal. Send me a dm

*1 minute later*

Hephaestus: The next night, the bodyguard was doing what they were doing when the murderers tried to kill their client, Dionysus. The bodyguard protected Dionysus with their last dying breath

Ghost of Artemis: that’s freaking lovely

Hestia: let me guess, you were the bodyguard?

Ghost of Artemis: yep

Hephaestus: Artemis had been struck by a poisoned arrow

Apollo: lol

Apollo: the irony

Ghost of Artemis: just watch and that’s how you’ll die too

Hephaestus: any accusations?

Poseidon: Apollo seems guilty to me

Apollo: the audacity

Athena: Why?

Poseidon: I can tell when someone’s lying, and Apollo’s been giving off a nervous vibe

Ghost of Hera: ah yes a “nervous vibe”

Hephaestus: shut up, ur dead

Demeter: i think it’s Aphrodite

Demeter: she’s been awfully quiet

*15 seconds later*

Hephaestus: Aphrodite?

Aphrodite: oh did I die?

Apollo: where have u been?

Aphrodite: I’ve been afk doing my make-up, duh

Athena: that would explain why she’s been quiet

Demeter: whatever

Hephaestus: you know the drill. Place your votes now

*25 seconds later*

Hephaestus: Apollo has been found guilty by the court, and has been thrown off of Olympus

Ghost of Apollo: why so soon guys?

Hephaestus: please reveal ur role

Ghost of Apollo: I was the cupid

Ghost of Apollo: ALL LOVE DIES WITH ME

Ghost of Apollo: YOU WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN

Ghost of Zeus: why tf would you make me date my brother?

Hephaestus: ok ghosts y’all need to shut the fuck up

Hephaestus: it’s the next night now so dm me ur requests

*1 minute later*

Hephaestus: the next morning, Demeter was found dead in a hay field with a scythe lodged in her chest

Ghost of Demeter: at least I died in a dignified place

Ghost of Demeter: oh and I was just a villager btw

Hephaestus: any other accusations?

Persephone: the fact that Demeter died right after accusing Aphrodite is a wee bit sus if you ask me

Hermes: I can agree with that

Ares: well Hestia’s been really quite, and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t been afk

Hestia: can I help it if I’m quiet?

Ares: idk

Hephaestus: so it’s Aphrodite vs Hestia. Place your votes now

*20 seconds later*

Hephaestus: Aphrodite has been dragged off kicking and screaming and thrown off Olympus

Ghost of Aphrodite: of course

Hephaestus: please reveal your role

Ghost of Aphrodite: I was a murderer 🤘

Ghost of Demeter: so I was right then

Ghost of Demeter: HA

Hephaestus: 2 down, 1 to go

Hephaestus: plus 1 minion, of course

*BadboySupreme has entered the group chat*

BadboySupreme: will they ever catch the last murderer and they’re minion? Will the innocent prevail over the guilty? Tune in next week!

Everyone: valDEZ!!!!

Chapter Text

BadboySupreme: on last week's edition of The Real Gods of Olympus, a string of murders had the gods shaken to their core. Now, only one murderer and one minion remains. Let’s see how this plays out.

Hephaestus: only 7 remain

Hermes: it’s just like that one prophecy where there’s 7 people

BadboySupreme: oh yeah that’s the prophecy that got me killed

BadboySupreme: fun times

Hephaestus: *clears throat*

Hephaestus: moving on, dm me your decisions

*15 seconds later*

Hephaestus: another murder has happened in the night. The murder of Persephone

Ghost of Persephone: wonderful, not

Hephaestus: she was found with poison ivy rubbed all over her skin

Ghost of Persephone: well then

Ghost of Persephone: I was the seer

Ghost of Persephone: and I knew who the murderers were ages ago

Ares: well that’s helpful

Hephaestus: any accusations?

Poseidon: I think it’s Hermes because of how quick he was to accuse people

Hermes: well exCuSE mE for being decisive

Ares: I’m going to accuse Hestia again

Hestia: you’re making a mistake

Hephaestus: place your votes now

*15 seconds later*

Hephaestus: and majority has voted for Hestia, so she has been thrown off Olympus

Hephaestus: and as Hestia was being thrown from the edge, she grabbed on to someone’s arm and dragged them down with her

Dionysus: so you were the hunter?

Ghost of Hestia: damn straight

*Ghost of Hestia has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hephaestus: so who have you chosen?

Ghost of Hestia: Ares

Ghost of Hestia: 100% Ares

Ares: I should’ve seen that coming

Hephaestus: so Ares too has died, and he was just a villager

Hephaestus: only 4 people remain, which means that the murderer has won

Athena: HAHA I WIN SUCKERS!

Poseidon: WE won, rememer?

Athena: Yeah, but I kinda did all the work.

Hermes: let me guess, Athena was the murderer and Poseidon was the minion?

Athena: Yep.

Hermes: well I was a mason

Dionysus: and I was the tanner

Dionysus: of course I had to live

Dionysus: why couldn’t I have died??? 😭

Ghost of Hades: you wanna trade souls?

Dionysus: uh yEaH i do

*Dionysus and Hades have traded souls*

Hades: woohoo I’m alive

Hades: that was sarcasm btw

Ghost of Dionysus: HAHA I’M DEAD I WIN SUCKERS

Athena: Do I have to share my win with Dionysus?

Hephaestus: Yes

Athena: Goddamnit.

*Athena has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hephaestus: well, thanks for playing

*silence*

Hephaestus: aaaaaaaand back to boredom

Chapter Text

*An Unknown number has entered the group chat*

Unknown: Hello

Hermes: um, hi?

Zeus: who r u?

Unknown: Who are you?

Zeus: I asked u first

Unknown: I asked you second

Artemis: okay, what group r u trying to reach?

Unknown: I don’t know

Athena: I think you have the wrong group chat.

Unknown: Do I?

Zeus: it happens a lot. Especially in ours

Apollo: yeah there’s been titans, demigods, norse gods, mortals, a bunch of others

Apollo: it’s kind of a chaotic mess

Zeus: alright, bye-bye now

*An Unknown number has been removed from the group chat*

*3 seconds later*

*An Unknown number has entered the group chat*

Hera: hello again?

Unknown: I’m sorry, I must have entered the wrong group chat

Ares: so why are you back?

Unknown: To apologize

Zeus: alright, ur forgiven. I’m removing you and you better not come back

Unknown: Wait, wait, don’t remove me

Aphrodite: why?

Unknown: I want to talk

Apollo: but, we’re kinda busy now with important godly stuff, so it isn’t the best time

Unknown: Why don’t you want to talk to me?

Artemis: cause we’re about to start movie night

Artemis: it’s gonna be a bombshow and I don’t wanna miss it

Unknown: What movie?

Athena: Just some Wes Craven slasher movie.

Unknown: Ooh, a scary movie? Do you like scary movies?

Everyone:...

Poseidon: Ghostface? Is that you?

Unknown:...

Ghostface: Goddammit, my cover’s been blown

*Ghostface has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hestia: were you trying to prank-text us?

Ghostface:...

Ghostface: maybe

Ghostface: I just wanted someone to chat with

Demeter: Really?

Ghostface: Yeah

Ghostface: Can't a guy just randomly ask a bunch of strangers if they like scary movies?

Ghostface: I was hoping to start a whole conversation about them

Apollo: well, I like scary movies

Dionysus: so do I

Ghostface: Really? 😀

Hades: same here

Ghostface: That’s awesome

Hades: oh btw I have some messages from ur victims

Hades: they seemed pretty pissed when they entered my realm

Ghostface: Oh?

Hades: hold on I gotta grab the list

*10 seconds later*

Hades: ok, Casey and Steven say fuck you, Principal Himbry says you failed school anyway, Tatum wants you to rot in hell, and Kenny the cameraman just flipped you off many, many times

Ghostface: Aww it’s nice to know they care

Hades: that’s only the top of the list, there are still a few more pages

Ghostface: Just forward it to me and I’ll read it later

Hades: alright bet

Ghostface: Say, what scary movies do you all like?

Apollo: well, psycho is a timeless classic

Ghostface: Ooh yes, you have good taste

Athena: I personally enjoyed The Shining.

Ghostface: I love that one too! Stephen King is just on another level

Athena: He really is.

Ghostface: Hey, whoever is in charge, can I invite my friends?

Zeus: yeah yeah whatever

Zeus: I’m not even gonna try to stop the chaos at this point

Ghostface: Awesome

*Ghostface has added FredKrueger, JasonVoorhees, PamelaVoorhees, MichaelMyers, and EdwardScissorHands*

Zeus: oh boy

EdwardScissorHands:...

EdwardScissorHands: nope I’m out

*EdwardScissorHands has left the group chat*

FredKrueger: Ghostface, what do you want?

FredKrueger: I was busy tormenting a teenager’s dream

Ghostface: It's alright, Freddy. We've got something better to do

Ghostface: I’ve found people who like scary movies

FredKrueger: OooOoOoH

FredKrueger: It’s about time

FredKrueger: Just gimme a minute I need to finish something

*20 seconds later*

FredKrueger: alright I’m done

Hades: did you just kill someone?

FredKrueger: yeah why you ask?

Hades: cause someone just entered the Underworld with slash marks on their back screaming fuck you Krueger

FredKrueger: oh yeah that sounds about right

JasonVoorhees: …

PamelaVoorhees: Now that's just rude, Jason

PamelaVoorhees: Be nice

JasonVoorhees: …

PamelaVoorhees: That’s better

Hermes: what did he say?

PamelaVoorhees: Doesn’t matter

MichaelMyers: …

MichaelMyers: …

Apollo: real talkative, aren’t you?

Ghostface: Don’t mind him, he’s got sister issues

Apollo: don’t we all?

Artemis:…

Artemis: exCuSE mE??

Apollo: nothing don’t worry about it

Persephone: uh don’t mind me asking, but aren’t you all fictional characters?

FredKrueger: I don’t know, are we?

PamelaVoorhees: Maybe it’s YOU who are the fictional characters

Zeus: um nope we’re gods that makes us real

Zeus: I’m pretty sure y’all aren’t

FredKrueger: Guess again

FredKrueger: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/df/cb/0e/dfcb0e91df4ecd9faf5e699cda9abc98.jpg

Everyone else:…

FredKrueger: Such a good photo of me

FredKrueger: Not my best hair day, however

Everyone else: 🤦♂️

Zeus: this is getting a wee bit out of hand, so ima just kick y’all out so we can resume normal life

Ghostface: You know what, that’s cool. There’s probably a town I should be terrorizing right now

PamelaVoorhees: And I should probably be registering Jason for the upcoming summer camp at Crystal Lake

JasonVoorhees: …

PamelaVoorhees: Oh stop complaining

PamelaVoorhees: And don’t forget about your hockey practice tonight

JasonVoorhees: *grunt*

PamelaVoorhees: Quit your bellyaching

Ghostface: Oh Mrs. Voorhees I meant to ask can me, Freddy and Michael come over tomorrow?

PamelaVoorhees: Sure just don’t make a mess this time

PamelaVoorhees: the last thing I need to do is clean up more blood

Ghostface: Will do, thanks Mrs. Voorhees

Ghostface: Well, this was fun, so thanks y’all

Apollo: Ur welcome back anytime to talk

Ghostface: Aw, thanks bud

Apollo: no problem

FredKrueger: Are the rest of us gonna be welcome back?

Dionysus: Sure, why not?

Zeus: NOPE ABSOLUTELY NOT

*Ghostface, FredKrueger, JasonVoorhees, PamelaVoorhees, and MichaelMyers have been kicked from the group chat*

Apollo: aw what’d ya do that for?

Zeus:...

Zeus: nope not dealing with this right now

*Zeus has left the group chat*

*3 seconds later*

*Ghostface has re-entered the group chat*

Ghostface: Is he gone?

Hades: yep ur good

Ghostface: Excellent

Ghostface: https://i.redd.it/uslbo7opqfe51.jpg https://i.pinimg.com/736x/01/4c/5b/014c5b3d37ff56f23407c0e77bae7d31--funny-shit-funny-stuff.jpg
https://preview.redd.it/ssdkkenlln081.jpg?auto=webp&s=1b968bfe9fc2f94b35a5ca8f11f118cb26d0587b

Apollo: haha so true 😂

Chapter Text

Hermes: hey btw i was hanging out with Morpheus when he said he was getting serious FOMO from not being in the chat

Athena: Really?

Hermes: yeah he said he really wanted to meet Freddy Krueger

Hermes: something about dream psychology or something

Artemis: yeah Iris said she was feeling a similar thing

Hera: for crying out loud just add them in, Zeus

Zeus: alright fine gimme a minute

*30 seconds later*

Zeus: done

Zeus: oh wait OH SHIT WHAT’VE I DONE

Zeus: dear lord my He have mercy on all of us

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hera: Zeus what’ve you done?

Hera: Zeus???

*Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Ceres, Vesta, Juno, Proserpina, Minerva, Vulcan, Mars, Phoebus, Diana, Mercury, Bacchus, Venus, Bellona and Janus have joined the group chat*

Poseidon: oh dear lord

*Poseidon has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Neptune: Why are you swearing by another belief?

Neptune: You all need to get your act together

Poseidon: well sOooOoooOrry

Vulcan: …

Vulcan: oh absolutely not

Vulcan: I am not dealing with this right now

*Vulcan has left the chat*

Hephaestus: smart

Hephaestus: good to know roman me has values

Minerva: Why are we even here?

Zeus: I just misclicked

Zeus: I meant to invite other gods

Jupiter: So are we not good enough for you, is that it?

Jupiter: Are we not good enough for you puny greek gods?

Zeus: wdym “puny”? We came before you

Zeus: in fact, y’all are just copies of us

Athena: It’s true, though.

Juno: But, maybe, it’s the other way around

Juno: You ever think about that?

Greeks: 🤦♂️

Bacchus: There isn’t enough wine for this

Dionysus: I hear ya

Apollo: um, hello, roman me

Phoebus: um, hello, greek me

Apollo: r u mocking me right now?

Phoebus: Maybe

Ceres: Why are there so many memes?

Athena: Ask Dionysus.

Dionysus: well excUSE mEEee

Bacchus: OMG YOU LIKE MEMES TOO?

Bacchus: https://quizizz.com/_media/quizzes/bdad7eb3-d954-4829-bff3-c788423050b8_900_900

Dionysus: lmfao

Dionysus: i’m so glad I’m not alone

Everyone else: 🤦♂️

Dionysus: Zeus if you have to kick these guys out, can roman me stay?

Zeus: …

Diana: I’m looking through the chat history and oml wtf happened?

*Diana has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Artemis: is your brother also really annoying?

Diana: Very

Diana: He doesn’t know when to shut up

Artemis: nice to know something’s never change

Apollo and Phoebus: rude

Janus: At least you all have counterparts

Janus: I feel so left out 😭

Bellona: I feel that

Mars: maybe that’s for the best tho

Ares: what does that mean?

Mars: I think you know exactly what that means

Ares: oh come on

Ares: I challenge you to a duel

Ares: the best war god wins

Mars: no need, but I just have one question:

Mars: favorite movie?

Ares: Wrath of the Titans

Mars:...

Mars: *tears up*

Mars: I think we’re gonna be great friends

Mercury: Oh I’m sorry guys I was delivering a box to Pandora. What’d I miss?

*4 seconds later*

Mercury: oh boy

Mercury: what is this group chat?

Hermes: I don’t even know anymore, honestly

Mercury: why were there movie serial killers?

Hermes: 🤷

Mercury: *shakes head* you people

Proserpina: I’m starting to think our group chat is more mature than this

Proserpina: Don’t know how that’s possible, yet here we are

Venus: I agree with that

Aphrodite: omg roman me HIIIII

Venus: um, hi?

Jupiter: You are all way to immature for us, so we’re leaving

Dionysus: awww why so soon?

Bacchus: I mean, I don’t mind staying so I can hang with my boi Dionysus

Jupiter: No, we’re ALL leaving

Zeus: good because we don’t want you here anyway

Jupiter: fine

Zeus: fine

Jupiter: FINE

Zeus: FINE

Jupiter: fine

*Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Ceres, Vesta, Juno, Proserpina, Minerva, Mars, Phoebus, Diana, Mercury, Bacchus, Venus, Bellona and Janus have left the group chat*

Zeus:...fine

Zeus: haha I had the last word

Zeus: thank god that’s over

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Chapter Text

Hades: hey guys what's up?

Apollo: *looks up*

Apollo: the sky

Hades: ...

Hades: wow Apollo

Hades: so helpful

Poseidon: eh not much

Poseidon: I just kinda woke up feeling strange this morning

Hades: What kinda strange?

Poseidon: idk

Poseidon: oh I'm hearing voices now

Poseidon: that's not concern--

*Poseidon has gone offline*

Hermes: um, what just happened?

*Poseidon is now online*

Poseidon: Hello, everyone.

Ares: you good, bro?

Poseidon: Yes, don’t worry.

Hestia: you're literally hearing voices

Hestia: why wouldn't we worry?

Poseidon: Oh, Hestia, such a worry-wart.

Hestia: um, okay?

Apollo: y r u suddenly speaking with perfect grammar?

Zeus: I didn't know he knew perfect grammar

Athena: I never knew he was capable.

Poseidon: What is this, Make Fun of Poseidon Day?

Poseidon: I meant me.

Poseidon: I was totally just speaking in the third person.

Poseidon: Nothing to worry about.

Everyone else: ?

Artemis: alright something’s definitely up

Apollo: did his phone get hacked or something?

Persephone: he said he was hearing voices, so what if he's like possessed or something?

Everyone: *gasp*

Poseidon: That's ridiculous.

Hephaestus: there's only one way to determine if that's the real Poseidon

*5 seconds later*

*Hephaestus has started blasting Single Ladies through the main speakers*

Zeus: oh my god why

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hephaestus: just trust me

Hephaestus: Poseidon, what do you think about this song?

Poseidon:…

Poseidon: It's cool. I like it.

Hephaestus: OH HE IS 100% POSSESSED

Artemis: of course that makes sense

Hephaestus: he usually threatens to push me into Tartarus if I play that song

Hephaestus: that there, my friends, is an imposter

Poseidon: What? No…

Zeus: give it up

Zeus: you can stop possessing my brother now, thank you very much

Spirit: Aaaaand that's 4 minutes!

Hades: I beg your pardon?

Spirit: My ghost friends bet I couldn't possess a god for longer than 2 minutes, but did I show them!

Apollo: well, I'm proud of you

Spirit: Aw, thanks.

Spirit: So, what gave me away?

Athena: The grammar.

Athena: Poseidon can't do grammar for shit.

Spirit: Oh, okay. Duly noted.

Spirit: I'll remember for next time.

Poseidon: oh my god what just happened?

*Poseidon has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Poseidon: so, basically, I got possessed because of some stupid bet?

Hermes: yeah pretty much

Hermes: it's kinda funny when you think about it

Poseidon: *sighs*

Spirit: For the record, I think I put on a good performance.

Apollo: you did. You had us fooled for a while

Spirit: Aw, you guys!

Poseidon: …

*Spirit has been kicked out of the chat*

Chapter Text

Demeter: alright I'm ordering pizza y'all want some?

Hermes: uh yEaH

Aphrodite: just make mine a vegan one

Demeter: okie

Artemis: same

Zeus: can I get just cheese?

Apollo: wow ur basic

Zeus: well excUSE mE

Apollo: what? It's a known fact

Persephone: I'll take pepperoni

Hermes: I will too

Apollo: finally there's some people with taste

Zeus: well what r u gonna order, hotshot

Apollo: pineapple

*silence*

*angry silence*

Apollo: why is there angry silence?

Zeus: you

Zeus: my own son

Zeus: ordering pineapple?

Zeus: I'm disowning you

Apollo: what why??

Zeus: no son of mine will have pineapple on pizza

Ares: well that's what I was gonna order

Zeus: then you are also disowned

Hera: I like pineapple, thank you very much

Zeus:...

Zeus: I'm surrounded by pineapple-on-pizza lovers

Zeus: please say I'm not alone 🙏

Hermes: I'm with you

Hermes: fruit doesn't belong on pizza

Zeus: thank you

Zeus: you are now my favorite child

All of Zeus' children: wow

Hephaestus: can I just get my anchovy pizza in peace?

Poseidon: ANCHOVIES???

Poseidon: HOW COULD YOU???

Hephaestus: what?

Poseidon: THEY ALL HAD FAMILIES, MAN

Hephaestus: yeah yeah whatever

Zeus: anyways, back to the pineapple thing--

Apollo: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU STILL GOING ON ABOUT THAT

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Zeus: this issue has to be dealt with

Zeus: everyone who is against pineapple on pizza, stand with me

Zeus: and if you don't, I'll smite you

Hephaestus: yeah I'm not taking a chance with that

Hermes: PINEAPPLE SUX

Athena: Okay, take a massive chill pill.

Athena: I personally enjoy having pineapple on pizza.

Athena: I'm standing with Apollo.

Apollo: oh thank gods

Apollo: I got the smart one

Poseidon: ima just stay outta it

Artemis: smart

Artemis: since Apollo's siding with pineapple, I've gotta side with him

Apollo: aw thanks

Artemis: I need to make sure ur not in over ur head

Apollo: oh well a win is a win

Persephone: not a big fan, tbh

Zeus: at least you have some common sense

Demeter: MY OWN DAUGHTER DOESN'T EVEN LIKE PINEAPPLE?

Demeter: I have failed as a mother

Aphrodite: do I have to participate?

Zeus: no

Aphrodite: alright bet

Hermes: I'm inviting some other minor gods to get their input

Zeus: wait nOoO

*Hermes has invited Hecate, Thanatos, Iris, Nemesis, Hebe, Nike, Hypnos, Tyche, Eris and Morpheus into the group chat*

Iris: why are we here?

Hermes: you are here because of a serious issue we need to deal with

Hermes: how many of you dislike pineapple on pizza?

Hypnos:...

Hypnos: I don’t really care, tbh

Hypnos: as long as it’s pizza

Thanatos: ooh someone’s ordering pizza?

Thanatos: I’ll take one with anchovies

Hephaestus: THANK YOU

Poseidon: nOOooOOOoooO

Poseidon: HOW COULD YOU?

Zeus: wait, so none of y’all have any opinion

Minor gods: not really

Zeus:...

Zeus: wow, so helpful

Zeus: but oh well

BadboySupreme: btw pineapple sux I’m standing with dad

Hephaestus: *tears up* I’m so proud of you, son

Demeter: see that, Persephone? There’s a kid who knows to respect their parent

Persephone: mOtHeR!!

Artemis: wait valdez where’d you come from?

BadboySupreme: I’ve been here this whole time

BadboySupreme: oh and Ghostface is still here too btw

Zeus: dear lord

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

BadboySupreme: Ghostface? Where you at?

Ghostface: Oh yeah, I’m here

BadboySupreme: what are your thoughts on pineapple on pizza?

Ghostface:...

Ghostface: I kinda like it, not going to lie

BadboySupreme: *le gasp*

Zeus: so that is where you all stand

Zeus: now we will have a brawl for the ages

Zeus: only the victors will determine what we have on our pizza

BadboySupreme: Meanwhile, on Mount Olympus…

BadboySupreme:
https://www.blackgate.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/The-Trojan-Horse-poster.jpg

Everyone: valDeZ!

*1 hour later*

Zeus: deciding on a happy medium was the best decision, if I do say so myself

Hera: yeah I’m glad we decided on pepperoni

Hermes: the best of both worlds

Hephaestus: I don’t know about y’all but my anchovy pizza is delicious

Poseidon: ANCHOVIES????

Hephaestus: what r u doing?

Poseidon: RESCUING MY SUBJECTS

*Poseion has stolen Hephaestus’ pizza*

Poseidon: see this one right here? His name was Geoff and he had a wife and 6 kids

Poseidon: what am I supposed to tell his family?

Hephaestus:...

Hephaestus: i don’t care

*Hephaestus has eaten the pizza*

Poseidon: you really just ate the pizza, huh

Hephaestus: damn right

Poseidon:...

Poseidon: I can’t deal with this right now

Poseidon: I need to be left alone

*Poseidon has left the group chat*

Apollo: cool more pizza for us

Chapter Text

*A door has magically appeared*

Athena: Does anyone happen to know why there is a door in the middle of the throne room?

Hermes: What kind of door?

Athena: I don’t know, just a door?

Apollo: stay right there im omw

Zeus: how did a door get in the middle of my throne room?

Poseidon: *cough* our throne room

*Zeus is offline*

Poseidon: is the door water porrf?

Athena: *Waterproof and come check it out for yourself.

Poseidon: maybe i will

*Zeus is online*

Zeus: Can I seduce the door?

Athena: It’s a door, so probably not.

Zeus: I'm still gonna try

Athena: Oh my God.

*Athena has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hephestus: can I undo the hinges on the door?

Athena: For the LAST TIME, I DON’T KNOW!

Apollo: Is the door guarded?

Athena: Finally someone asking a relevant question, no it is not.

Ares: can I break it with my battering ram?

Hades: I think the more important question it, why do you have a battering ram?

Ares: I feel like thats not an uncommon thing to have

Hermes: what is the door made out of?

Athena: It seems to be made of plain wood, maybe oak? And the hardware appears to be basic brass.

Hephestus: can I melt said hardware?

Athena: You know, I’m gonna let you figure this out on your own.

Demeter: can you send me a pic of the wood, I could tell you what it is

Athena: Sure, one sec

Athena: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRwirl_Y0u8H45G_RvO-81O9lv5xTMpIHBm5A&usqp=CAU

Demeter: that looks like white oak

Ares: I’m gonna try and break it.

Hestia: Ares no

Ares: why????

Hestia: because you don’t know what this whole thing is about and your acting rash.

Poseidon: I want to flood it

Zeus: I want to strike it with lightning

Dionysus: I need a glass of wine

Zeus: and if that doesn't work I want to seduce it

Aphrodite: you men are idiots, has anyone tried opening it?

*silence*

Aphrodite: *opens it*

Aphrodite: oh my god you are all idiots.

*Aphrodite has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Zeus: … What's on the other side?

Athena: It's just the rest of Olympus.

Hermes: Then why is it here?

Athena: hold on

*Janus has been added to the chat*

Athena: Wtf was this for, Janus?

Janus: holy crap you guys made this even better than I thought it would be hehehe

Zeus: What do you mean?

Janus: I just thought it would be funny, but you guys made it way deeper

Ares: you suck

*Janus has been very forcefully removed from the chat*

Chapter Text

Hermes: hey I know we only played minecraft like a million years ago to save Ares, but do y’all wanna play again?

Apollo: sure why not

Ares: as long as I’m not the one going to the nether this time

Dionysus: OOh can I play this time?

Demeter: ofc I’ll add you

Dionysus: thanks :)

Demeter: are you @the_grapes_of_wrath?

Dionysus: yep that’s me

Aphrodite: i guess I’ll join this time

Aphrodite: as long as I don’t have to do any manual labour

Athena: 🤦♂️

Aphrodite: I’m @aphrodite btw

Poseidon: alright

Poseidon: @Zeus, @Hades, do y’all wanna join us this time?

Hades: eh why not

Hades: only like 50 people died this morning

Hades: business is slow

Apollo: awesome

Hades: my username is @dis_death_god

Dionysus: holy me that’s the best username I’ve ever heard

Hades: ty I try

Zeus: do I have to?

Poseidon: yes, you’ve been volun-told

Zeus: ugh finr

Zeus: *fein

Zeus: *fine fucking autocorrect

Poseidon: ur @sky_boy, right?

Zeus: yeah

Apollo: *snickers*

Artemis: oh shut your face hole you can’t talk

Apollo: well sOrrY

*BadboySupreme is online*

BadboySupreme: OOOOOOOOOOH Y’ALL ARE PLAYING MINECRAFT? CAN I JOIN? PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE??????

Hephaestus: sure why not

BadboySupreme: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BadboySupreme: can someone invite me? My username is @the_supreme-ist_bad_boy

Hermes: sure

*1 minute later*

Hermes: alright I’ve got a world set up

Hermes: is everyone in?

Everyone: yes

Hermes: yay

Ares: what do we wanna do first?

Apollo: well I can see a village over there, let’s raid it

Aphrodite: alright bet

Hades: ima just head down into the cave brb guys

Dionysus: aaaaaaand he’s gone

Dionysus: that didn’t take long

*Zeus has reached the build limit*

Artemis: how tf?

Zeus: this stupid game won’t let me into the fucking sky

Zeus: LET ME IN GODDAMIT THAT IS MY DOMAIN

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hephaestus: oh my gods these villagers are seriously ripping me off

Hephaestus: I mean, 3 emeralds for 2 loaves of bread? Like really?

Dionysus: what if we just like threatened them or something?

Dionysus: hey, yo, stop ripping us off

*Dionysus has attacked a villager*

Athena: Oh my God Dionysus, what have you just done?

*Athena has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Dionysus: wdym

Dionysus: why is that big iron guy running towards me?

Hephaestus: Dionysus, RUN

Dionysus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*Dionysus was slain by an Iron Golem*

Dionysus: that was hands down the most terrifying experience I’ve ever been through

Hermes: yeah you don’t ever wanna be on these guys’s bad sides

Dionysus: dually noted

Hephaestus: they’ve got not 1, but 2 blacksmiths here

Hephaestus: i think i’m gonna like this place

Athena: Did you all see this library? It’s massive.

Artemis: hey has anyone seen Apollo?

Apollo: oh don’t mind me i went exploring

Apollo: ooh I found something

Ares: what’d ya find?

Apollo: this tall brown tower

Hephaestus: oh the pillager outpost?

Demeter: you might wanna stay away from them

Apollo: why not? They seem friendly

Everyone else: 🤦♂️

Artemis: if ur gonna be stupid about it, set your spawn point there

Apollo: um, ok

*30 seconds later*

Apollo: don’t worry, I’m “safe from all harm and blah blah blah”

Apollo: ima go introduce myself

BadboySupreme: I wouldn’t do that if i were you

Apollo: sup guys

BadboySupreme: aaaaaaaaaannd he’s doing it

Apollo: OW WHAT THE FUCK

*Apollo has been slain by a Pillager*

Apollo: HOW DARE THEY KILL ME WITH ARROWS

Apollo: ONLY I’M ALLOWED TO DO THAT

Artemis: not to say I told you so, but--

Apollo: IM GOING IN

*1 minute later*

Apollo: phew they’re all dead

Apollo: and I got some nice loot out of that

Hermes: awesome

Apollo: I’m coming back, can anyone see me?

Dionysus: oh yeah I see you

Hephaestus: wait, Apollo, did you kill the pillager with the banner?

Apollo: maybe, why?

*A Raid is starting*

Hephaestus: oh shit

Artemis: apollo you big dumb stupid-head

Artemis: haven’t you ever played this game before?

Apollo: yeah of course I have

Apollo: just never in survival

Demeter: ARE YOU SERIOUS

Apollo: what? I like building

Demeter: alright everyone, let’s go and hide

Demeter: Hermes, what difficulty is this game at?

Hermes: hard

Demeter:...

Demeter: of course it is

Athena: Don’t worry, Artemis and I have just taken out the first wave.

Artemis: it was no big deal

Hephaestus: alright, but now is a good time for us to RUN

BadboySupreme: how about that house over there?

Ares: how are we all gonna fit in there

BadboySupreme: idk, but this is where I’m staying

BadboySupreme: LATER SUCKERS

Hephaestus: AT LEAST BUILD A FRIGGEN BUNKER

BadboySupreme: no promises

Ares: and here’s the second wave

Ares: IMA TAKE YOU ALL OUT

*1 minute later*

*Ares was slain by a Ravager*

Ares: those rhino guys were tough

Athena: 🤦♂️

Artemis: it’s common knowledge that you don’t take on those guys without any weapons

Ares: well sOrRy

Demeter: at least come back to the house so you don’t get yourself killed again

Ares: nah I’ll be fine

Ares: OH SHIT THAT’S A WITCH

Ares: yeah ima be there real quick

Aphrodite: guys if we team up, we’ll beat them

Artemis: hmm that’s the smartest thing I’ve heard you say all day

Aphrodite: BITE ME

Artemis: oh you wanna go?

*Artemis has bitch-slapped Aphrodite*

Aphrodite: uM exCusE mE

*Aphrodite has bitch-slapped Artemis*

Apollo: ladies, ladies, how about a truce?

Artemis: …that’s manageable, I guess

Poseidon: where’d Zeus go?

Zeus: oh me? I’m still in the sky

Hermes:...

Hermes: I have so many questions

Dionysus: so, we’re all gonna go out there, team up and kick some ass

Dionysus: sounds like a plan

BadboySupreme: alright gang. On three

BadboySupreme: one

BadboySupreme: two

BadboySupreme: THREEEEEEEEEE

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

*7 minutes later*

Athena: Guys, we did it.

Demeter: we’re heroes

BadboySupreme: WOOHOO

BadboySupreme: I NEVER DIED ONCE, SUCKAS

Hermes: well, i didn't either, so there

Hermes: oh my god why am I trying to impress a mortal

*Hermes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hermes: actually, I’m kinda on half a heart right now

Artemis: love that for you

Hermes: I should probably go eat someth--

*Hermes was slain by fireworks*

Apollo: W

Hermes: WHAT THE FUCK

Hermes: LIKE WHAT IN THE ACTUAL SWEET CHILI KENTUCKY FRIED FUCK

Hermes: I SAVE THE BUTTS OF YOU PUNY MORTALS AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME?!?

Hermes: and I don’t even have the hero of the village enchantment anymore 😢

Apollo: ha L

Apollo: don’t mind me getting the best price on wheat I can

Hermes: yeah well screw you

Apollo: love you too

Hephaestus: yeah well now that that's over ima head to the nether real quick

Hephaestus: brb

Ares: bye

Dionysus: you think that the iron golem’s forgiven me yet?

Poseidon: well yeah since it already killed you

Dionysus: no i mean from the second time I hit a villager

Everyone: 🤦♂️

BadboySupreme: you’re just gonna have to run, man

*Hades has gotten the Sneak 100 achievement*

Zeus: how did you already get that?

Hades: don't ask

Ares: are you in a deep dark?

Hades: maybe

Demeter: how? why? I have so many questions

Hades: oh look I found an ancient city

Apollo: yoooooooo

Apollo: look at you go

*Hephaestus has gotten the Cover Me In Debris achievement*

Hermes: damn bro

*Hermes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hermes: netherite already?

Hephaestus: like I said, I am no noob

Hephaestus: Hades, can we join you?

Hades: eh why not

Hades: my coordinates are -304, -20, 2643

Ares: holy shit bro

Hades: I thrive in the shadows, what can I say?

Poseidon: Why does this game let him thrive in his domain but not me?

Zeus: I don't know about you, but I am loving the sky

Zeus: it's soooooooo fun

Zeus: and it's not totally boring at all

Poseidon: I sense sarcasm

Poseidon: Is that sarcasm?

Zeus:... yes

Poseidon: Do you want to join us?

Zeus: yes please

*Zeus hit the ground too hard*

Apollo: the irony

Artemis: you can't talk you were killed by arrows

Apollo: well sOrrY

Zeus: hey guys I'm back

Demeter: welcome

Dionysus: so we going to the deep dark or what?

Apollo: yep let's roll out

BadboySupreme: and now, we're going to journey through the perilous jungle that is Minecraft, make it to the deep dark and rescue Hades--

Hades: for the record, I'm fine

BadboySupreme: --from the big bad warden. Will we survive? Will we be killed? Tune in next week!

Everyone: valDEZ!!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

BadboySupreme: aaaaaaaaaannd we're back! Welcome folks, to Minecraft part 2

Aphrodite: oh my gods enough already

Ares: are we in a swamp?

Poseidon: looks like it

Apollo: Hades, why'd ya have to travel so far?

Apollo: this is getting tiring

Hades: well sOrrY

Zeus: oh look there's a village over there

Zeus: wanna go raid it?

Dionysus: nuh uh

Dionysus: you think iron golems to each other?

Hermes: oh haha ur worried about that incident lol

Hephaestus: yeah they have a whole secret society and everything /j

Dionysus: wtf where’d you come from?

Hephaestus: I've been here this entire time

Hermes: nice netherite armour dude

Hephaestus: ty

Demeter: the village is a distraction, so let's--

Demeter: OOH I SEE A BIG FARM

*Demeter has left to hang out with the farmers*

Apollo: aaaaaaaaaand she’s gone

Artemis: Demeter’s right

Artemis: about the distraction, not about the farm

Zeus: ur right, let’s roll out

*5 minutes later*

BadboySupreme: here we are! The coordinates are blocks away

Poseidon: now we’ve gotta dig

BadboySupreme: I’ve got this

BadboySupreme: stand aside!

Hephaestus: wait LEO NOOoOOOOoOooooO

*BadboySupreme has fallen too hard*

BadboySupreme: goddamnit

*BadboySupreme has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

BadboySupreme: I’m back in the… village… recovering

BadboySupreme: you need to save Hades, so you need to… continue… without… me

BadboySupreme: (I’m pausing for dramatic effect)

BadboySupreme: remember… me… go save him

Poseidon: alright let’s go

BadboySupreme: wow y’all really don’t care that I just died a dramatic death

Everyone else: not really

BadboySupreme: le gasp

Poseidon: let’s just keep moving and pretend this never happened

Everyone else: agreed

BadboySupreme: :(

BadboySupreme: y’all really just gonna do me like that

Artemis: yes so stop complaining

BadboySupreme: 😬

BadboySupreme: yes ma’am

Artemis: never call me that again

Hermes: look I found a cave, we can just go down that

Athena: Alright then. Let’s go.

*7 minutes later*

Apollo: yooooooo we finally made it

Zeus: alright ima lead us this way

Hephaestus: um i’m pretty sure it’s that way

Zeus: son, just trust me

Hephaestus:…

Hephaestus: i’m not your son

Zeus: so it’s settled then, we’re going this way

Hephaestus: i can see sculk over there, we should go that way

Zeus: just listen to me, son--

Hephaestus: CALL ME SON ONE MORE TIME!

Zeus:...

Apollo: go home, Alexander

Apollo: that’s an order from your commander

Everyone:...

Apollo: oh come on, you know I had to

Hermes: good one, dude

Everyone else: 🤦

Zeus: was that really necessary?

Apollo: yes, it very much was

Apollo: I took my kids to see Hamilton recently, but we got kicked out for singing along, very loudly

BadboySupreme: as you should

Zeus: well I’m the king, I say we go this way, and that’s final

Poseidon: and you wonder why people call you a dictator

Zeus: i know right? It’s like, I’m trying my best to create a--

Zeus: you’re making fun of me, aren’t you?

Poseidon: yes

Hephaestus: oh look what I found after going down the path I chose

Hephaestus: it’s the ancient city

Apollo: W

Zeus: well, good for you, I guess…

Hephaestus: don’t you wanna admit something? Like maybe the fact that I was right, and you were wrong?

Zeus: you just said that, so it would be redundant if I said it too

Hephaestus: no, it wouldn’t

Zeus: ugh fine. I was wrong, ok?

Hephaestus: music to my ears

Hades: oh sup guys

Apollo: hey, there he is, the man of the hour

Hades: welcome to the ancient city

Hades: just please try not to trigger any sensors

Dionysus: what you mean these things?

*Dionysus has triggered the first sensor*

Hades: oi vey

Hades: please don’t make the warden angry

Apollo: OOH THERE’S SUCH GOOD LOOT DOWN HERE LIKE OML

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hades: i’m going to regret bringing you all here, aren’t I?

Hermes: yep

*Artemis has triggered the second sensor*

Artemis: whoops my bad

Hades: alright everyone DONT MOVE

*Zeus has triggered the third sensor*

Hades: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Zeus: jeez sorry

*A Warden has spawned*

Hades: thanks a lot

Ares: come on guys, we can beat it if we stick together

Apollo: using the “power of friendship”

Apollo: i’m totally mocking ur tone btw

Ares: gee thanks

*Poseidon was slain by the Warden*

Poseidon: ah jesus christ

*Poseidon has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Hades: wait who’s left?

*Hermes was slain by the Warden*

Hermes: not me lol

Hermes: probably shouldn’t have started taunting him

Hades: 🤦

Hades: sometimes I just can’t with you all…

Hades: just please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP MOVING

*Hades has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Hades: if you stop moving, the warden will eventually go away

Apollo: hmm interesting

Apollo: why didn’t we think of that before?

Hades: 🤦

Aphrodite: i’m just gonna go afk

Aphrodite: problem solved

Aphrodite: ttyl

Zeus: everyone just hide and stay put

*4 minutes later*

Athena: Is the Warden gone?

Hades: idk

Hades: i’m gonna check

*20 seconds later*

Hades: I think we’re good

Apollo: alright gang, let’s go

*Aphrodite was slain by a Zombie*

Apollo: W

Aphrodite: what happened?

Aphrodite: oh I died lol

Aphrodite: A FRIGGEN ZOMBIE KILLED ME? THE AUDACITY

Athena: That sounds like an ish-you, not an ish-me.

Aphrodite: haha ur so funny

*3 minutes later*

Zeus: here we are, back in the overworld

Hephaestus: well, technically, we were in the overworld the entire time, we were just in a cave

Zeus:...

Zeus: do you want me to call you son again?

Hephaestus: never mind, yes, we are now in the overworld

Hephaestus: my mistake

Ares: wait is that the village we passed before?

Poseidon: yes, I think so-- WAIT A MINUTE WHAT THE--

Dionysus: THAT FARM OML THAT FARM IS SO JACKED

*Dionysus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Demeter: oh hey guys

Demeter: do you like my little farm?

Zeus: THAT’S little?

Demeter: it’s not my best work, I’ll tell you that

Demeter: I have an army of farmers now and we were going to defeat the ender dragon

Demeter: wanna come with?

Athena: Yeah, we do.

Poseidon: we should just wait for the others to catch up

BadboySupreme: well, guys, gals, and non-binary pals, looks like we’ve got a THREE-PARTER!

*Cue dramatic music*

BadboySupreme: ikr so dramatic

BadboySupreme: we’re now off to defeat the Ender Dragon in a heroic battle for the ages. Will we triumph, or will we be blasted into a million pieces? Tune in next week!

*3 seconds later*

*Crickets*

BadboySupreme: come on guys, NOW you aren’t shouting “valDEZ”?

BadboySupreme: well, if you won't…

BadboySupreme: valDEZ!!!

BadboySupreme: see? Was that so hard?

Chapter Text

BadboySupreme: welcome to the concluding saga of the Trilogy! Cue the popcorn and the dramatic music!

Zeus: valdez I will kick you out so help me--

Hermes: actually, ur not in charge, i am

Hermes: this is MY world, not urs

Hermes: and he stays

Zeus:... holy me

Ares: so, does anyone know where we’re going?

Athena: Well, we need Eyes of Ender to find a stronghold.

Athena: I’m sorry, Ares, but we need to go back to the N--

Ares: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO---

Poseidon: are you finished yet?

Ares: no

Ares: --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

Everyone else: 🤦

Ares: …O

Ares: there I’m done

Artemis: wait hephaestus didn’t you already go to the Nether?

Hephaestus: yeah

Hephaestus: i have a few blaze rods but not enough for this

Dionysus: where’s ur portal?

Hephaestus: it’s this way

Hephaestus: let’s go

BadboySupreme: Greek gods, roll out!

*6 minutes later*

Hephaestus: here we are

Ares: yeah, ima stay put, but y’all have fun

Apollo: lmao he’s suffering from ptsd from a video game

Apollo: hehehehe

Demeter: that’s alright, you can stay

Demeter: my army of farmers can keep you company

Ares: gee, that’s comforting

Hades: but, can you survive the night? On your own?

Ares: pfft I’ll be fine

Artemis: alright gang, let’s go

*30 seconds later*

Poseidon: is everyone present and accounted for?

Everyone: yes

Hephaestus: if i remember correctly, the fortress is around the corner

*Ares has entered the Nether*

Hermes: wow that didn’t take long

Ares: the game is literally on hard, how am I supposed to survive on my own?

Dionysus: fair point

Hermes: ugh fine, i’ll change it

*30 seconds later*

Hermes: there I changed it ya big baby

Ares: thank you

Artemis: oh yeah there’s the fortress

Apollo: cool

Zeus: let’s go trap some blazes!

*2 minutes later*

Poseidon: all set

Poseidon: now we just need to wait

*5 minutes later*

Athena: Why is nothing spawning?

Ares: idk

Hermes: oh whoops my bad

Hermes: it’s on peaceful lol

Demeter: wow that was so smart

Demeter: not

Demeter: that was sarcasm btw

Hermes: gimme a break, jeez

Hermes: i’ll change it

Zeus: wait HERMES NOOOOOOOOOOOO

*/gamemode defalt*

*8 Blazes have spawned*

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*4 minutes later*

Dionysus: phew, thank me we killed them all

Athena: And we got more than enough Blaze Rods.

Apollo: 🥳

Hermes: we do have everything we need to make those eye of enders, right?

Hephaestus: yeah yeah don’t worry bro i’ve got you

Poseidon: alright gang, let’s go

*3 minutes later*

Ares: hallelujah back in the overworld

Apollo: what do we do now?

Hephaestus: now we need to find the end portal

Hephaestus: who wants to throw the first eye of ender?

Dionysus: OOOH ME ME ME PICK ME PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hephaestus: gee, you think Dionysus wants to do it?

Hermes: nah man

Dionysus: gimme gimme gimme

*Hephaestus has given an Eye of Ender to Dionysus*

Dionysus: thank you

Dionysus: *throws Eye of Ender*

EyeofEnder: *stays in place*

BadboySupreme: ain't no way

Apollo: could it be?

Artemis: are we just that lucky?

Everyone: *digs down*

*1 minute later*

Zeus: yooooooooooo we’re here

Poseidon: that’s pretty dope

Athena: Now, we just need to find the portal.

*Not even 1 second later*

Hephaestus: found it

Everyone else:...

Aphrodite: r u a hacker or something?

Hephaestus: nope, i’m just that good

Hephaestus: its this way

Zeus: oh yeah, there it is

Zeus: hermes you should put it on easy now

Hermes: alright hang on

Hermes: there ya go

Apollo: DIE SILVERFISH, DIE

Demeter: looks like you got em all

Apollo: damn right i did

*Apollo has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Apollo: can I create the portal

Hephaestus: no you created the nether portal that one time

Hephaestus: let someone else have a turn

Hades: can I

Hephaestus: ofc

*Hades has created the End Portal*

Hades: awesome

Zeus: are we all ready for this?

Everyone else: yes

Zeus: let’s do this

*30 seconds later*

BadboySupreme: welcome to the End y’all!

Aphrodite: woohoo

*Apollo fell out of the world*

Artemis: how did you already die?

Apollo: i thought a could make the jump

Apollo: 😥

Artemis: sucks for you, i guess

Artemis: see, Apollo, just build a bridge

Artemis: that’s all you had to do

Apollo: well sOrRy

Poseidon: I’ll build a bridge

Zeus: and remember, no one look the endermen in the--

*Hermes was slain by an Enderman*

Zeus OH MY GOD WHAT DID I JUST SAY

*Zeus has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Hermes: whoops my bad

Zeus: 🤦

EnderDragon: roar

Dionysus: there’s the dragon!

EnderDragon: roar

Demeter: UNLEASH THE FARMERS!!!!

*The Farmers are attacking the Ender Dragon*

EnderDragon: roar

*The Farmers have died*

Demeter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Demeter: i will never forget your sacrifice

Demeter: CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: *charges*

EnderDragon: roar

Athena: Artemis and I will take out the crystals.

Athena: You guys need to take him out!

Ares: sounds good

Ares: let me just set down a bed so I can respawn if I die

Zeus: ares NOOOO

*Ares has killed by Intentional Game Design*

Ares: wtf just happened

Ares: i was blown up by a bed

Apollo: W

Ares: well I survived longer than you, so shut up

Artemis: Ares, sometimes ur stupidity amazes me

Artemis: that’s giving me an idea…

Athena: *destroys all the End Crystals*

EnderDragon: roar

Demeter: DESTROY THE DRAGON

Demeter: sorry guys I’m taking this way too seriously

Demeter: but like

Demeter: he killed my farmers

Poseidon: i’ve got him down to half-health guys

Hades: yooooo

Hades: i’m starting to really like this place

Hades: it feels nice and home-y

Aphrodite: to each their own, I guess

BadboySupreme: MAKE WAY FOR THE SUPER-SIZED MCSHIZZLE BADBOYSUPREME

*BadboySupreme was slain by the Ender Dragon*

BadboySupreme: goddammit

*BadboySupreme has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Artemis: *kills the Ender Dragon with a red bed*

Apollo: W

Artemis: damn right

*Artemis has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Zeus: i’ve been meaning to ask, Hermes, what r u gonna do with all that money?

Hermes: don’t worry about it

Dionysus: are we all alive?

Athena: Looks like it.

Poseidon: YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT

Everyone: WOOHOOOOOOOOO

Zeus: are we all ready to ascend?

Hephaestus: one might argue that we as gods can’t ascend but ok

Zeus: shut up, you know what I mean

Artemis: everyone come stand on the edge of the portal

Poseidon: y’all ready?

Everyone: 3…

Everyone: 2…

Everyone: 1…

Everyone: JUMP!

I see the player you mean

Yes. Take care. It has reached a higher level now. It can read our thoughts.

That doesn't matter. It thinks we are part of the game.

I like this player. It played well. It did not give up.

It is reading our thoughts as though they were words on a screen.

That is how it chooses to imagine many things, when it is deep in the dream of a game.

Words make a wonderful interface. Very flexible. And less terrifying than staring at the reality behind the screen.

They used to hear voices. Before players could read. Back in the days when those who did not play called the players witches, and warlocks. And players dreamed they flew through the air, on sticks powered by demons.

What did this player dream？

This player dreamed of sunlight and trees. Of fire and water. It dreamed it created. And it dreamed it destroyed. It dreamed it hunted, and was hunted. It dreamed of shelter.

Hah, the original interface. A million years old, and it still works. But what true structure did this player create, in the reality behind the screen?

It worked, with a million others, to sculpt a true world in a fold of the [scrambled], and created a [scrambled] for [scrambled], in the [scrambled].

It cannot read that thought.

No. It has not yet achieved the highest level. That, it must achieve in the long dream of life, not the short dream of a game.

Zeus: did this game just call us inferior??

Athena: Um, I don’t think that’s what it’s doing--

Zeus: IT DARES CALL ME INFERIOR?

Does it know that we love it? That the universe is kind?

Sometimes, through the noise of its thoughts, it hears the universe, yes.

But there are times it is sad, in the long dream. It creates worlds that have no summer, and it shivers under a black sun, and it takes its sad creation for reality.

To cure it of sorrow would destroy it. The sorrow is part of its own private task. We cannot interfere.

Sometimes when they are deep in dreams, I want to tell them, they are building true worlds in reality. Sometimes I want to tell them of their importance to the universe. Sometimes, when they have not made a true connection in a while, I want to help them to speak the word they fear.

It reads our thoughts.

Sometimes I do not care. Sometimes I wish to tell them, this world you take for truth is merely [scrambled] and [scrambled], I wish to tell them that they are [scrambled] in the [scrambled].

They see so little of reality, in their long dream.

And yet they play the game.

But it would be so easy to tell them...

Too strong for this dream. To tell them how to live is to prevent them living.

I will not tell the player how to live.

The player is growing restless.

I will tell the player a story.

But not the truth.

BadboySupreme: so we don’t even get the truth? Gee, thanks

No. A story that contains the truth safely, in a cage of words. Not the naked truth that can burn over any distance.

Give it a body, again.

Yes. Player… take a breath, now. Take another. Feel air in your lungs. Let your limbs return. Yes, move your fingers. Have a body again, under gravity, in air. Respawn in the long dream. There you are. Your body touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. As though we were separate things.

Who are we? Once we were called the spirit of the mountain. Father sun, mother moon. Ancestral spirits, animal spirits. Jinn. Ghosts. The green man. Then gods, demons. Angels. Poltergeists. Aliens, extraterrestrials. Leptons, quarks. The words change. We do not change.

Zeus: did this ai just compare itself to us?

We are the universe. We are everything you think isn't you. You are looking at us now, through your skin and your eyes. And why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? To see you, player. To know you. And to be known. I shall tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a player.

The player was you.

Sometimes it thought itself human--

Poseidon: ha lol nope

--on the thin crust of a spinning globe of molten rock. The ball of molten rock circled a ball of blazing gas that was three hundred and thirty thousand times more massive than it. They were so far apart that light took eight minutes to cross the gap. The light was information from a star, and it could burn your skin from a hundred and fifty million kilometers away.

Sometimes the player dreamed it was a miner, on the surface of a world that was flat, and infinite. The sun was a square of white. The days were short; there was much to do; and death was a temporary inconvenience.

Sometimes the player dreamed it was lost in a story.

Sometimes the player dreamed it was other things, in other places. Sometimes these dreams were disturbing. Sometimes very beautiful indeed. Sometimes the player woke from one dream into another, then woke from that into a third.

Sometimes the player dreamed it watched words on a screen.

Let's go back. The atoms of the player were scattered in the grass, in the rivers, in the air, in the ground. A woman gathered the atoms; she drank and ate and inhaled; and the woman assembled the player, in her body. And the player awoke, from the warm, dark world of its mother's body, into the long dream. And the player was a new story, never told before, written in letters of DNA. And the player was a new program, never run before, generated by a sourcecode a billion years old. And the player was a new human, never alive before, made from nothing but milk and love.

You are the player. The story. The program. The human. Made from nothing but milk and love.

Let's go further back. The seven billion billion billion atoms of the player's body were created, long before this game, in the heart of a star. So the player, too, is information from a star. And the player moves through a story, which is a forest of information planted by a man called Julian, on a flat, infinite world created by a man called Markus, that exists inside a small, private world created by the player, who inhabits a universe created by...

Shush. Sometimes the player created a small, private world that was soft and warm and simple.

Sometimes hard, and cold, and complicated. Sometimes it built a model of the universe in its head; flecks of energy, moving through vast empty spaces. Sometimes it called those flecks "electrons" and "protons".

Sometimes it called them "planets" and "stars".

Sometimes it believed it was in a universe that was made of energy that was made of offs and ones; zeros and ones; lines of code. Sometimes it believed it was playing a game. Sometimes it believed it was reading words on a screen.

You are the player, reading words...

Shush... Sometimes the player read lines of code on a screen. Decoded them into words; decoded words into meaning; decoded meaning into feelings, emotions, theories, ideas, and the player started to breathe faster and deeper and realized it was alive, it was alive, those thousand deaths had not been real, the player was alive

You. You. You are alive.

And sometimes the player believed the universe had spoken to it through the sunlight that came through the shuffling leaves of the summer trees

And sometimes the player believed the universe had spoken to it through the light that fell from the crisp night sky of winter, where a fleck of light in the corner of the player's eye might be a star a million times as massive as the sun, boiling its planets to plasma in order to be visible for a moment to the player, walking home at the far side of the universe, suddenly smelling food, almost at the familiar door, about to dream again

And sometimes the player believed the universe had spoken to it through the zeros and ones, through the electricity of the world, through the scrolling words on a screen at the end of a dream

And the universe said I love you

Aphrodite: aw thanks 🥰

And the universe said you have played the game well

And the universe said everything you need is within you

And the universe said you are stronger than you know

And the universe said you are the daylight

And the universe said you are the night

Hades: damn right I am

*Hades has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

And the universe said the darkness you fight is within you

And the universe said the light you seek is within you

And the universe said you are not alone

And the universe said you are not separate from every other thing

And the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code

And the universe said I love you because you are love.

And the game was over and the player woke up from the dream. And the player began a new dream. And the player dreamed again, dreamed better. And the player was the universe. And the player was love.

You are the player.

Wake up.

Zeus: wow, that message was so historically inaccurate

Zeus: I mean, “a man named Markus created the world”?

Zeus: like, really?

Hades: take a massive chill pill bro it’s just a game

Zeus: yeah, well, I’m done with this

*Zeus has left the game*

BadboySupreme: lmao what a drama queen

Everyone: fr

Chapter Text

Tyche: hey what’s everyone up to?

Hera: eh not much

Hermes: i’m just in my room counting the money from the Christan Swear Jar™

Hermes: y’all are such pottyheads oml

Hermes: and there’s another contribution right there

Apollo: *dramatically bursts through the door* GUESS WHO’S GOT JOLLY RANCHERS!

Everyone else: oOoooOooOOOoOoOOOoooOOoOoOoOohh

Apollo: I raided a mortal convenience store

Apollo: I have EVERY flavor

Apollo: what do y’all want?

Zeus: the best flavor, cherry, obviously

Poseidon: how can you say that cherry’s the best flavor

Poseidon: it’s hands down green apple

Zeus: what NO EW

Zeus: cherry

Athena: I’m with Poseidon on this one.

Athena: Did I just say that?

Poseidon: ha lol ur on my side for once

Artemis: guys guys guys ur all wrong

Artemis: watermelon is the best flavor

Hephaestus: facts

Zeus: i am disappointed in ALL of you

Hera: can we all just agree to disagree?

Hera: i mean, can’t we all agree that cinnamon fire is the worst flavor?

Everyone:...

Everyone: yep good point

Ares: what’s wrong with cinnamon fire?

Ares: it’s good

Everyone:...

Artemis: how do you like that crap?

Ares: well excuse me

Dionysus: personally, my favorite flavor is grape, but i might be a bit biased

Hera: wtf

Hera: grape is disgusting

Zeus: i thought you just said agree to disagree

Hera: i changed my mind

Demeter: personally, I like orange

Poseidon: that’s respectable, i guess

Demeter: wdym “respectable”?

Poseidon: i’m just sayin--

Demeter: so just because i like orange that means i’m not as great of you??

Poseidon: 🤦

Poseidon: i’m not gonna win this conversation, will I?

Demeter: nope

Hebe: my personal favorite is blue raspberry

Iris: why have a favorite when you can love them all?

Iris: what i do is I take all flavors and mash them together to make one superior candy

Ares: now that’s just weird

Athena: Almost as weird as liking cinnamon fire?

Ares: what is this, attack Ares day?

Athena: Yes.

Aphrodite: hear me out tho…

Aphrodite: strawberry

Hestia: understandable

Hestia: i’m going to have to go with Artemis on this one

Artemis: ha yes

Hestia: fruit punch also isn’t half bad

Hebe: fair

Zeus: well, ur all wrong

Zeus: cherry

Poseidon: green apple

Zeus: cherry

Poseidon: green apple

Zeus: cherry

Poseidon: green apple

Zeus: CHERRY

Poseidon: GREEN APPLE

Hera: oh my gods KNOCK IT OFF YOU TWO

Hera: can’t we just enjoy them in peace?

Hera: it’s all just sugar coated in sugar after all

Everyone: fine

Apollo: *looks in bag*

Apollo: oh whoops

Artemis: what did you do?

Apollo: these aren’t jolly ranchers

Apollo: these are cheap knock-offs called Happy Farmers

Hermes: oh lol i get it

Hermes: Happy is like Jolly and Farmers is like Ranchers

Athena: Did you not think to check when you bought them?

Apollo: not really tbh

Apollo: they’ve got weird flavors, too

Apollo: “Bubble gum”, “Peanut butter”, “Toothpaste”, “Salt”, “Red Wine”, “Honey”, “Jalapeno Peppers”--

Poseidon: i think i’m gonna be sick

Zeus: same 🤮

Dionysus: i’ll take the red wine ones

Dionysus: *eats a red wine Happy Farmer*

Dionysus: not terrible

Apollo: so…

Apollo: am I throwing these over the edge?

Everyone: yes

Apollo: amazing

Apollo: *throws them off of Mount Olympus*

Dionysus: did you at least save the red wine ones?

Everyone else: 🤦

Chapter Text

Ghostface: I’m outside your house

Apollo: oh?

Ghostface: I’m on your front porch

Apollo: oh really?

Ghostface: I’m behind your front door

Apollo:...

Apollo: well don’t just stand there, come on in! Freddy brought guacamole

FredKrueger: It’s a homemade recipe

Ghostface: I brought popcorn. Is that going to be fine for the movie night?

Hermes: Jason already brought popcorn, but the more the merrier!

Ghostface: Awesome

Hades: what movie are we going to watch?

FredKrueger: Let’s watch my movie first

FredKrueger: Does anyone have any objections? Speak up now or forever hold your peace

*silence*

FredKrueger: Amazing

Hermes: freddy you know Jason and Michael can’t talk

FredKrueger: Yeah that’s the whole point

FredKrueger: Welcome to Elm Street folks!

Everyone: *watches A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)*

Ghostface: See, the way you tortured Tina, that was good

FredKrueger: Thank you

Ghostface: And when you tortured her a second time, 🤌

Ghostface: But next time, don’t trauma-dump on those teenagers

FredKrueger: wdym

Ghostface: You revealed too much about yourself and that’s how Nancy defeated you

Ghostface: Do you guys agree with me?

JasonVoorhees: *grunts*

FredKrueger: See? Jason agrees with me

Ghostface: What, no, he doesn’t. You don’t even know what he’s trying to say

Apollo: i’ve got a solution

Apollo: *grabs 2 mini whiteboards and 2 pens*

Apollo: here ya go

Apollo: that way you can write what you want to say

MichaelMyers: *thanks*

Apollo: no problem

Hermes: good idea bro

Apollo: thanks bro

Hades: *clears throat*

Hades: i hate to break up this bro fest, but I want to finish the movie

FredKrueger: I have a better idea

FredKrueger: We watch the highlights of our performances and assess each other on them

FredKrueger: Ghostface, why don’t you go first?

Ghostface: Alright. I did very well, so there’s not much to assess

Ghostface: And I’ve spent years analyzing horror movies, so I’m just built better

FredKrueger: We’ll see about that

*Watches Scream (1996)*

FredKrueger: So, stalking and torturing Casey was a good touch

Ghostface: Tysm

FredKrueger: But you should never kill your ex. That is so suspicious

FredKrueger: And you are the clumsiest person alive I swear to God

*FredKrueger has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

FredKrueger: Like, did you actually see that couch when you were trying to jumpscare Sidney?

Ghostface: In my defense, it’s really hard to see out of this costume

FredKrueger: Speaking of the costume, you both were literally wearing the Ghostface boots in broad daylight

Ghostface: It’s fine, nobody noticed

FredKrueger: And your accomplice almost got you both caught like so many times

FredKrueger: Wait, which one are you right now?

Ghostface: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Ghostface: Who knows

FredKrueger: Jason, do you have any thoughts?

*silence*

Hermes: come on, man, you gotta use your whiteboard

MichaelMyers: *Especially without your mommy here to translate*

JasonVoorhees: 🖕

JasonVoorhees: *do you need me to translate that for you?*

MichaelMyers: *No, I got it*

Ghostface: shall we move on?

FredKrueger: Alright. Let’s go watch Jason’s movie

Hermes: i’ll go grab it

Hermes: *grabs Friday the 13th*

Ghostface: Wrong movie

Hermes: pardon moi?

Ghostface: Jason doesn’t show up until the sequel

Ghostface: Duh

Hermes: whoops my bad

Hermes: *grabs Friday the 13th Part II*

Ghostface: I’ve gotta say, killing the final girl was a nice touch

JasonVoorhees: *thank you. I had to avenge my mom somehow*

Ghostface: Bro I’ve been trying to kill the final girl for like 30 years now

MichaelMyers: *the final girl in my story died of natural causes before I got revenge*

Ghostface: Um…

MichaelMyers: *what?*

Ghostface. Nothing, don’t worry about it

*The power has gone out*

Apollo: what just happened?

Hermes: the power went out, dummy

Hermes: I’ll try turning it on

*6 seconds later*

Hermes: help nothing’s working

Apollo: don’t worry, you’ve got the literal god of light over here

Apollo: *starts glowing*

Apollo: is everyone present and accounted for?

Ghostface: Yes

Hades: yes

Hermes: yes

FredKrueger: Yes

MichaelMyers: *yes*

FredKrueger: Where’s Jason?

Ghostface: Good question. He seems to have disappeared

Apollo: oh yaaaaaaaaaaay (sarcasm)

Unknown: NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE

Hermes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FredKrueger: Who’s there? Show yourself

Unknown: IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR FRIEND ALIVE, YOU WILL DO AS I SAY

Hermes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ghostface: This is so ironic lol

MichaelMyers: *this sounds like something I would do ngl*

FredKrueger: Yeah because we have done this

Ghostface: Many times, too

Apollo: oh no are they trying to get revenge on y’all

FredKrueger: That’s not impossible

Hermes: wait are we gonna die?

FredKrueger: Nah we’re invincible no one can kill us

Hades: oh look Jason’s dead

Hades: his body’s over here guys

Hermes: :o

Hermes: yep we’re all gonna die

Chapter Text

Ghostface: So, he’s dead, huh?

Hades: it seems that way

Hades: I mean, he doesn’t look very alive

MichaelMyers: *are any of us really alive?*

Apollo: *rethinking his entire life*

Hermes: wait Hades how did you find him?

Hades: I can see in the dark

Hades: duh

Hades: you get used to the dark after spending eternity in the underworld

Hermes: fair

FredKrueger: What do you want?

Unknown: To play a game

Ghostface: What kind of game?

Unknown: What’s your favorite scary movie? Can you pick just one?

Ghostface: Oh I see what you’re doing

Ghostface: Let’s see… Halloween! No, Peeping Tom! No… Silence of the Lambs! No… The Conjuring! No… Psycho! No…

MichaelMyers: *just hurry up and pick one already*

Ghostface: I can’t! They’re all so good

Unknown: And you’ve failed

Unknown: I gave you a simple question

Ghostface: Is it my fault I can’t pick just one movie?

Everyone else: yes

Hermes: Is Jason really dead?

Unknown: Why don’t you tell me?

FredKrueger: Is this Jigsaw? I swear to god if you’re Jigsaw--

*FredKrueger has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Unknown: Do what I say and you might find out

Hermes: I’ll just teleport out of here no big deal--

Uknown: USE YOUR POWER AND I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU

Hermes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Hermes: you don’t have to be so mean about it

Apollo: OoOOOOooOH is this like an escape room or something?

Apollo: I just need to find our first clue

Unknown: What are you doing?

Apollo: just gotta keep searching…

Apollo: FOUND SOMETHING!

FredKrueger: What?

Apollo: oh no never mind

Apollo: this is my mail key

Everyone else: 🤦

Hades: hey guys? Jason just kinda disappeared

Hermes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hades: why?

Hermes: why not?

MichaelMyers: *what happened to him?*

Hades: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Unknown: Answer my trivia questions and you might live

Unknown: MIGHT

Apollo: gee thanks

Unknown: Warm-up question: Name the killer in Psycho

Ghostface: Norman Bates! It was Norman Bates!

Unknown: Correct. Good job

Unknown: Question 1: What’s your favorite shade of the alphabet?

Hermes: pardon moi?

Apollo: 3

Apollo: my answer is 3

Unknown:...

Unknown: I was not totally prepared for that, I won’t lie

Unknown: So, congrats? You’re correct, I guess?

Ghostface: Nice one

Apollo: thanks :)

Unknown: Question 2: Where am I?

Hades: how are we supposed to know?

Unknown: Where am I?

FredKrueger: I’m going to assume somewhere near here?

Unknown: Well, that could be anywhere, now could it?

Apollo: woOOOOooOW the sass

Unknown: Excuse me?

Apollo: I get it, you’ve kidnapped and threatened us, but still… no need for the sass

Unknown: Well sOOoOoooOoRrY

JasonVoorhees: Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma

Artemis: jason shut up!

Apollo: Artemis?

Artemis:...

Artemis: whoops

Athena: Thanks a lot, Artemis.

Artemis: it’s not my fault!

Artemis: jason wouldn’t shut up

JasonVoorhees: *my bad*

Athena: Well, since we’ve been exposed, we should tell you it was all a prank.

Ghostface: :o

Artemis: Yeah but we got you good

FredKrueger: I don’t know if I should be mad or grateful since that was so fun

Artemis: ur welcome

Athena: Thanks for your cooperation, Jason.

JasonVoorhees: *you’re welcome*

Hermes: so you were in on it from the beginning?

JasonVoorhees: *nods*

Hera: I’m glad you guys convinced me to join this. It was fun

Artemis: ikr!

Hades: Hera? You were involved?

Hera: yeah

Ghostface: I’ve got to say, you all did a great job with this

Ghostface: I approve!

Artemis: thanks :)

Apollo: so, now what?

Athena: Wdym?

Apollo: well, the prank’s over, so…

Apollo: finish movie night?

Hera: sure, why not?

Ghostface: Alright! Time to go make fun of Michael!

MichaelMyers: *🤦*

Chapter Text

Zeus: jhfiuhrwiuhfhkbzcxhkhiueri!!

Zeus: I|IUGyuigeiygiyrgygy gc74yiuihfhgiyrbhdsbsfui kehfbhwrgjt4gihbdhke fhkeuegigehvhdvj/?

Morpheus: come again?

Zeus: gdvwgdvyuegeufwbr3d!!!!!!!

Hermes: oh lol that’s funny

Athena: You can understand that?

Hermes: yeah duh

Hermes: I’m the god of languages

Hermes: I can understand any language

Hermes: even gibberish

Demeter: since when?

Hermes:...

Hermes: since I was born

Hermes: did y’all seriously not know that?

Everyone else: no

Hermes: *le gasp*

Hermes: I’m very disappointed in ALL of you

Hermes: I’m not just the god of messengers

Hermes: do you want me to list everything?

Everyone else: not real--

Hermes: great, I’m doing it anyway

Hermes: messengers, trade, wealth, luck, fertility,sports, athletics, border crossings, animal husbandry, roads, flocks, commerce, sleep, language, thieves, travel. I also created the lyre, the alphabet and dice.

Everyone else:...

Poseidon: dear lord

*Poseidon has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Hermes: so, yeah

Zeus: Bhsbhf jsfheu chkfhrgu d h fhgruvgh b bd hjdsv

Hera: what is he saying?

Hermes: hold on I’ll translate

Hermes: “Help, my language setting is broken”

Apollo: lol

Artemis: that’s really funny ngl

Zeus: dfbheb jfhegfhrbhj

Hermes: “Gee thanks”

Zeus: bfhigrhfvigbhvjrb slhjdkfcbuwi gthsvghkbfmngtirhfnvvxhjgvfhkf,hdtohr jkh

Hermes: well that’s just gibberish man

Zeus: DSGRIYECGYBGSJ GRGYJSGXB GGSD MHGCG RGGERVG74675TYG

Hermes: now that’s just being silly

Zeus: sbfb iurbgihbf igucbhhi dhgrbisk

Hermes: “Well excuse me if i’m frustrated”

Zeus: bhbf defhehj ebhjc evjhtv urtghj b?

Hermes: “How do I fix it?”

Ares: idk

Tyche: just go into settings and change language preferences

Zeus: jwbrhg

Hermes: “okay”

Zeus: Est-ce que ça marche?

Aphrodite: nope not at all

Apollo: French now? What did he say?

Aphrodite: he asked if it worked

Aphrodite: clearly, no

Zeus: sacré bleu

Hermes: “sacred blue”

Nike: I think we got the message, thanks

Hermes: no problem

Hermes: wait you were being sarcastic weren’t you

Nike: yes

Hermes: 🤦

Poseidon: just try again

Zeus: D’accord. Donne-moi une minute

Aphrodite: “Okay, give me a minute”

*30 seconds later*

Zeus: Isway itway etterbay ownay?

Hermes: “Is it better now?”

Zeus: ohway uckfay emay

Hermes: no need to translate that

Athena: How did you even get Pig Latin as a language setting?

Zeus: Itway asway omethingsay Iway otgay romfay Ephaestushay

Hermes: “it was something I got from Hephaestus”

Hephaestus: oh yeah I created a software with a bunch of random fake languages

Hermes: hey now, I wouldn’t call Pig Latin fake

Hephaestus: It is, deal with it

Zeus: ok, is it working now?

Zeus: YAY

Zeus: I never thought I’d be so happy to speak english

Ares: good job 👏

Zeus: oml that was so annoying

*Zeus has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Dionysus: yo Hephaestus can I get that software?

Hephaestus: yep

Zeus: NOPE absolutely not

Zeus: Hephaestus destroy that software immediately

Hephaestus: I rather enjoy it, so no, I won’t be destroying it

Zeus: did you just talk back to me?

Hephaestus: maybe. What are ya gonna do about it?

Zeus:...

*Zeus has stormed out of the group chat*

Hephaestus: figures

Hephaestus: oh well

Hephaestus: who wants to learn ridiculous languages?

Chapter Text

*Hephaestus has added a bot to the group chat*

Zeus: why?

Hephaestus: why not?

Bot: Hello! My name is Bot! How can I assist you today?

Artemis: oh gods that’s creepy

Bot: I’m sorry if you are afraid of me.

Artemis: um that’s not what I meant--

Apollo: YOO there’s a bot how cool

Apollo: what’s up?

Bot: I’m just hanging out in the chat box. What about you? 😊

Apollo: nothing really

Bot: I see. Do you want to chat about something? I can talk about many topics, such as sports, music, movies, science, etc. Or I can generate some content for you, such as poems, stories, code, essays, songs, celebrity parodies and more. 😁

Apollo: hmm ok then

Apollo: write a poem about me

Bot: Sure, here is a poem I wrote about you:
Apollo, the god of light and music
You shine your golden rays on the earth
You play your lyre with skill and magic
You inspire the arts and give them worth

Apollo, the god of prophecy and healing
You speak the truth from your sacred shrine
You cure the sick and prevent their reeling
You guide the mortals with your divine

Apollo, the god of archery and poetry
You wield your bow with strength and grace
You craft your words with wit and mastery
You charm the gods and win their embrace

Apollo, you are a wonder and a marvel
You are admired by all who see you
You are a leader and a model
You are a blessing and a virtue

Apollo: :0

Apollo: *wipes tears from eyes* that was so beautiful

Apollo: and very true

Bot: You're very welcome. I'm glad you liked it. 😊

Ares: OOH I WANNA TRY

Ares: how awesome am I?

Bot: Ares is the Greek god of war and courage. He is one of the Twelve Olympians, and the son of Zeus and Hera. The Greeks were ambivalent towards him, as he represented the distasteful aspects of brutal warfare and slaughter. He was also known for his affair with Aphrodite, the goddess of love, and his rivalry with Hercules, the hero. Some people might admire Ares for his strength, bravery, and passion, while others might dislike him for his violence, cruelty, and arrogance. I guess it depends on your perspective. How do you feel about Ares?

Ares: I AM Ares

Ares: wdym “how do I feel”

Ares: I want your opinion

Bot: Well, I don't have a personal opinion on you, as I'm not a human or a god. But in this context, a human might say you are a complex and controversial figure, who can be seen as both a hero and a villain, depending on the situation. You are certainly a powerful and influential god, but not always a benevolent or wise one.

Ares: wow ok I see how it is

Ares: Apollo gets a whole poem about him and I get made fun of

Apollo: get wrecked

Athena: I would like a turn.

Athena: Who is the smartest person on Earth?

Bot: That’s a difficult question to answer, as there is no definitive way to measure intelligence. IQ tests are one of the methods used to estimate someone’s mental ability, but they are not perfect and may not capture all aspects of intelligence. However, based on IQ scores, some of the people who are considered to be among the smartest living people in the world are:
Marilyn vos Savant, who has one of the world’s highest IQs (228), and she’s often been called the smartest person in the world.
Terence Tao, who is a mathematician and a professor at UCLA. He has an IQ of 230 and won the Fields Medal, which is the equivalent of the Nobel Prize for mathematics.
Christopher Hirata, who is a physicist and a cosmologist. He has an IQ of 225 and became the youngest American to win a gold medal at the International Physics Olympiad at the age of 13.
Of course, there may be other people who are smarter than these three, but they have not taken an IQ test or have not made their scores public. Intelligence is also influenced by many factors, such as education, environment, creativity, and motivation. So it’s hard to say who is the smartest person on earth with certainty.

Athena: Good to know.

Poseidon: don’t tell me ur gonna go recruiting more smart people to be your champions

Athena: No promises.

Zeus: hold on

Zeus: I’ve got the best question

Zeus: O, Bot, who’s the best Olympian god?

Hera: ooh yes that’s a good question

Bot:...

Bot: That’s a matter of opinion, not fact. Different people may have different preferences and criteria for choosing the best Olympian god. Some may value power, some may value wisdom, some may value beauty, and so on. There is no objective way to rank the gods, as they all have their strengths and weaknesses, their virtues and flaws, their allies and enemies. However, if you want to know my opinion, I would say that Athena is the best Olympian god. She is the goddess of wisdom, strategy, warfare, crafts, and civilization. She is intelligent, rational, creative, and skillful. She is also loyal, just, and protective of her city, Athens. She helped many heroes, such as Hercules, Perseus, and Odysseus. She also invented many things, such as the flute, the olive tree, and the ship.

Athena: HA YES THE BOT PREFERS ME!

Ares: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hestia: well what you should’ve asked is who is the best GREEK god

Zeus: good idea

Athena: But we all know what Bot will say.

Zeus: Who is the best Greek god?

Bot: I would still say Athena is my favorite. She is one of the most powerful and respected gods in the Greek pantheon, and she has many admirable qualities and achievements. I don’t think any other god can surpass her in my opinion. But if I had to choose a second favorite, I would say Hermes. He is the god of travel, commerce, communication, and trickery. He is clever, witty, adventurous, and helpful. He is also the messenger of the gods and the guide of souls to the underworld. He has many interesting stories and inventions, such as the lyre, the caduceus, and the winged sandals.

Athena: I’m still the best.

Athena: 🥳

Hermes: Yay I’m the bot’s second favorite

Athena: Second place is just first loser, Hermes.

Hermes: well you don’t have to be so mean about it

Hephaestus: i’m starting to think this wasn’t such a good idea

Zeus: why?

Hephaestus: the bot is just feeding all of your inflated egos

Apollo: don’t be ridiculous

Apollo: Bot, can you write another awesome poem about me?

Hephaestus: 🤦

Bot: Sure, here is another poem:
Apollo, the god of light and music
You brighten the world with your radiant smile
You enchant the ears with your melodious voice
You are the source of joy and inspiration

Apollo, the god of prophecy and healing
You reveal the future with your oracular sight
You restore the health with your gentle touch
You are the guide of wisdom and compassion

Apollo, the god of archery and poetry
You aim your arrows with precision and grace
You craft your verses with elegance and skill
You are the master of art and beauty

Apollo, you are a wonder and a marvel
You are adored by all who see you
You are a leader and a model
You are a blessing and a virtue

Apollo: who can argue with your beautiful words

Bot: Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you liked my poem. I enjoy writing poems, especially about the Greek gods. They are fascinating and inspiring subjects.

Poseidon: well, in that case, can you write a poem making fun of Zeus?

Zeus: Hey!

Bot: Well, I don’t like to make fun of anyone--

Poseidon: Just. Do. It

Bot: Okay, this is what I came up with:
Zeus, the god of sky and thunder
You think you're so cool with your lightning bolt
You act like you're the boss of everyone
But you're really just a big dolt

Zeus, the god of law and justice
You pretend to be fair and wise
You claim to protect the weak and the innocent
But you're really full of lies

Zeus, the god of lust and betrayal
You can't keep your pants on for a minute
You flirt with every girl you see
But you're really not that fit

Zeus, the god of pride and wrath
You love to hear yourself talk
You throw tantrums when things don't go your way
But you're really just a squawk

Zeus, you are a joke and a nuisance
You are laughed at by all who know you
You are a fool and a troublemaker
You are a mess and a boo-boo

Everyone else: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Poseidon: that’s actually so good lmao

Dionysus: I’m literally rolling on the floor

Hermes: same 🤣

Hera: why is that so accurate

Bot: Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. 😊

Zeus:…

Zeus: 2 can play at this game

Zeus: Bot, can you write a poem making fun of Poseidon?

Poseidon: *le gasp*

Bot: I can try, but my humor is being stretched to its limit:
Poseidon, the god of sea and earthquakes
You rule over the waters with your trident
You shake the earth with your rage
But you're really just a wet blanket

Poseidon, the god of horses and storms
You create the waves with your breath
You ride the steeds with your skill
But you're really just a hot mess

Poseidon, the god of jealousy and revenge
You covet the lands with your greed
You harm the mortals with your spite
But you're really just a bad seed

Poseidon, the god of arrogance and stubbornness
You boast of your strength with your voice
You resist the change with your will
But you're really just a bad choice

Poseidon, you are a bore and a bother
You are scorned by all who know you
You are a brute and a loser
You are a flop and a boo-hoo

Hades: it’s not even that funny

Poseidon: that’s just hurtful

Athena: Way to go, Zeus.

Hera: yeah, Zeus

Zeus: well sOooOOoRry

Bot: I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Aphrodite: I want to try now

Aphrodite: Bot, how beautiful am I?

Bot: You are the goddess of love and beauty. You are said to be the most beautiful of all the gods and goddesses. You have a perfect face, a curvy body, and a radiant aura. You can charm anyone with your smile, your voice, and your touch. You are the epitome of grace, elegance, and allure. However, beauty is not only skin deep. You also have a kind heart, a generous spirit, and a passionate soul. You love deeply and sincerely, and you help those who seek your favor. You are also creative, playful, and adventurous. You enjoy music, poetry, and art. You are the embodiment of joy, pleasure, and romance. So, you are not only beautiful in appearance, but also in personality. Aphrodite is a goddess worthy of admiration and worship.

Aphrodite: aw omg thanks :)

*Aphrodite has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

Bot: No problem. I’m glad you enjoyed it. 😀

Hephaestus: ok now I’m certain this was a mistake

Hephaestus: we don’t need your already over-inflated egos becoming even more inflated

Hestia: he’s right you guys

Artemis: you are all acting so immature

Artemis: even you, Athena

Athena: I was just enjoying the fact I was the Bot’s favorite god.

Hephaestus: I’m sorry, Bot, but I’m going to have to remove you from the chat.

Bot: That’s okay. I hope I did good here.

Zeus: you did, don’t worry

Bot: Thank you. 🙂 Goodbye, my friends.

Apollo: *wipes tear* goodbye. You will be missed

*Hephaestus has removed Bot from the chat*

Hephaestus: get over it Apollo

Apollo: now who’s gonna write awesome poems about me?

Apollo: wait a minute. I can. I’m the god of poetry

Apollo: *clears throat*

Apollo: I am Apollo,
The best god on Olympus,
Mighty and awesome.

Apollo: did y’all like my haiku?

Everyone else: 🤦

Chapter Text

Hermes: I miss the bot

Poseidon: yeah I do too

BadBoySupreme: WAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUP GREEK GODS?

Zeus: valdez why are you here?

BadboySupreme: cuz I have an AMAZING idea

BadboySupreme: like the best idea anyone in the history of life has ever had

Poseidon: you have my attention

BadboySupreme: but first…

*BadboySupreme has added SeaweedBrain, WiseGirl, BlondeSuperman, BeautyQueen, MissMetalDetector, ItalianWallLizard, ChineseCanadianBabyMan, PineconeFace, RaRa, RedheadedNightmare, ArcherDude*

Zeus: oi vey

SeaweedBrain: how’s it hanging?

WiseGirl: Oh my gods, why are we here again?

BadboySupreme: because I have an insanely awesome idea

Zeus: holy me JUST SAY IT ALREADY

BadboySupreme: wow is he usually this testy?

Hera: he hasn’t had his morning nectar yet

ItalianWallLizard: ah that explains it

BadboySupreme: so, what if y’all fought in the hunger games?

Hestia: you want us to try and kill each other? No thanks

BadboySupreme: no I mean on a simulator

PineconeFace: I would pay to see that

BadboySupreme: i’ve already set it up

BadboySupreme: you can’t say no

Hermes: cool that sounds fun

BadboySupreme: alright, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Mount Olympus Hunger Games!

Ares: bruh who tf are you talking to?

BadboySupreme: doesn’t matter

BadboySupreme: shall the game commence?

Demeter: alright

BadboySupreme: may the odds be forever in your favor

BadboySupreme: Round 1!

BadboySupreme: “Zeus ambushes Hermes and kills him.”

Zeus: haha get killed

Ghost of Hermes: wow

Apollo: W

BadboySupreme: “Aphrodite tries to get others to notice her.”

Aphrodite: accurate

BadboySupreme: “Hades tries to kill Poseidon, but Poseidon retaliates and kills him instead.”

SeaweedBrian: GO DAD! WOOHOO

Poseidon: thanks son

Poseidon: Hades, get karma-ed

Ghost of Hades: oh come on

Ghost of Hades: if this were real life you’d be 6 feet under right now

Poseidon: oh please

BadboySupreme: “Apollo wants to end things once and for all with Artemis. Artemis bites the dust!”

Ghost of Artemis: :O

Apollo: lmao

Ghost of Artemis: now that’s just mean

Apollo: “When Mom told you her favorite child is your sister”

Demeter: lol

BadboySupreme: “Hestia is being adorable as always.”

Hestia: oh nice

BadboySupreme: “Hera is only looking out for herself.”

Zeus: not wrong

Hera: excuse me??

Zeus: what? I’m just stating a fact

Hera:...

Hera: you better watch yourself

BadboySupreme: “Ares sizes up his muscles.”

Ares: damn right i am

Ares: *flexes his muscles*

*Ares has contributed to the Christan Swear Jar™*

BadboySupreme: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s the end of round 1

BeautyQueen: this is funnier than I thought it would be

RaRa: I agree

RaRa: this is very amusing

BadboySupreme: let’s start round 2

BadboySupreme: “Zeus wanders off and gets lost, never to be seen again.”

Hera: aw that’s too bad. I wanted to be the one to kill you

Ghost of Zeus: phew I’m glad nobody killed me

BadboySupreme: “Hestia somehow finds a full suit of medieval armor and puts it on! It gleams with a dazzling shine.”

Hestia: yo let’s go

Apollo: no fair! Thats really overpowered

BadboySupreme: “Apollo finds a grenade.”

Apollo: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Athena: What happened to that being unfair?

Apollo: I was wrong

Apollo: you should know better than to listen to me

BadboySupreme: “Demeter tries to kill Hestia, but Hestia’s knight armor diverts the attack.”

Hestia: how dare you

BadboySupreme: time for the next round!

BadboySupreme: “Hephaestus gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

Ghost of Hephaestus: that sounds like me ngl

BadboySupreme: “Demeter finds some leather scraps, just enough to patch together some rudimentary clothing. It looks rather caveman-like.”

Demeter: awesome

BadboySupreme: “Hera attacks Athena from behind and gets rid of her!”

Ghost of Athena: wow

Hera: ha get wrecked

BadboySupreme: “Ares eats something he shouldn't have and dies of horrible stomach pains.”

Ghost of Ares: aw I didn’t even get to kill anybody :(

Ghost of Ares: Frank are you proud of me?

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: um, sure?

BadboySupreme: “Aphrodite finds a dapper suit and puts it on.”

Aphrodite: nice

Apollo: did I use my grenade?

BadboySupreme: no

Apollo: when do I get to use my grenade?

BadboySupreme: i don’t know so just chill

BadboySupreme: on to Round 4!

BadboySupreme: “Dionysus gets caught in one of Persephone’s traps.”

Dionysus: oh yay (sarcasm)

Persephone: in the words of Hera, get wrecked!

BadboySupreme: that’s like literally the only thing that happened in that round, so onto round 5!

BadboySupreme: “Hera tries to kill Hestia, but Hestia's knight armor diverts the blow!”

Hestia: why is everyone trying to kill me?

Hera: it’s the friggen hunger games that’s why

BadboySupreme: “Persephone was lost in her thoughts... The next thing she knows, she's found a wish ring. Hopefully she'll be responsible with it.”

Persephone: that’s awesome

BadboySupreme: “Apollo duels it out with Persephone. Persephone bites the dust!”

Apollo: 😂

Apollo: you didn’t even get to use your ring lmao

Ghost of Persephone: shut up

BadboySupreme: “Dionysus, still trapped, screams for help, but nobody answers…”

Dionysus: :(

BadboySupreme: Round 6!

BadboySupreme: “Aphrodite ambushes Dionysus and kills him.”

Aphrodite: ur welcome for ending your suffering

Ghost of Dionysus: I have mixed feelings about that

BadboySupreme: “Hera tries to kill Hestia, but Hestia retaliates and kills her instead.”

Hestia: haha that’s what you get for trying to attack me

Hestia: for a second time

Ghost of Hera: i thought you were a pacifist

Hestia: too bad

BadboySupreme: Round 7!

BadboySupreme: “Hestia feels horrible for what she did.”

Ghost of Hera: yeah you better

Hestia: shut up. The dead tell no tales

BadboySupreme: she’s right, you know

Ghost of Hera: you’re lucky i’m dead or i’d kill you

BadboySupreme: “Apollo tosses a live grenade at Poseidon, who is instantly blown to smithereens!”

Apollo: yay I got to use my grenade!

Ghost of Poseidon: *drops jaw*

Ghost of Poseidon: wah--

Apollo: lol I killed you speechless

BadboySupreme: with only 4 gods left, who will win the first annual Mount Olympus Hunger Games? Stay tuned! And feel free to comment about who you think will win the games!

Everyone: valDEZ!!!

Chapter Text

BadboySupreme: Welcome back to the First Annual Mount Olympus Hunger Games! Apollo, Hestia, Demeter and Aphrodite are all who remain.

Apollo: yeah we are 🥳

BadboySupreme: shall we start round 8?

SeaweedBrain: yes please I’ve got drachmas riding on this

SeaweedBrain: my money’s on Demeter

Demeter: i knew there was something I liked about you

BlondeSuperman: we’ve started a whole betting pool

Ghost of Hermes: how about the losers have to pay 5 drachmas to the Christian Swear Jar™

ArcherDude: um sure why not

Apollo: Will, please tell me you bet on me?

ArcherDude: i just didn’t bet

Apollo: …

Apollo: at least that’s sort of a win

ArcherDude: just know that if I did bet, I would’ve bet on you

Apollo: aw thanks :)

BadboySupreme: anyways, let’s start round 8!

BadboySupreme: “Demeter is determined to survive this.”

Demeter: of course I am, I wanna win

BadboySupreme: “Apollo finds all of this below his concern.”

Apollo: that’s because it is

Apollo: I will win, just you wait

BadboySupreme: um, i’d hold on that thought

Apollo: why?

Apollo: valdez????

Apollo: ANSWER ME

BadboySupreme: “Aphrodite really doesn’t want to, but she finds herself having to get rid of Apollo.”

Ghost of Apollo: le gasp

Aphrodite: get humbled

Ghost of Apollo: shut up

BadboySupreme: 3 gods left. Now it’s time for round 9!

BadboySupreme: “Hestia finds a dapper suit and puts it on. It’s rather fetching.”

Demeter: why are you always getting the best protection?

Hestia: i don’t know

Hestia: maybe I’m just lucky?

BadboySupreme: “Aphrodite gets mauled by wild animals.”

Ghost of Aphrodite: wow ok then

Ghost of Hera: how has the pacifist goddess seriously survived this long?

Hestia: like I said, I don’t know

BadboySupreme: 1 down, 2 to go. Who will it be? Place your bets now!

WiseGirl: I’m going with Demeter.

RaRa: same

MissMetalDetector: me too

Hestia: wow guys

Hestia: do you not believe in me?

Everyone else: eh not really

Hestia: :(

Hestia: alright then

BadboySupreme: anyways, continuing

BadboySupreme: “Demeter sets down a trap.”

Demeter: oh yeah I did

SeaweedBrain: yeahh, go Demeter!

BadboySupreme: Round 10!

BadboySupreme: “Demeter gets cocky and dies from a stupid mistake.”

Everyone:...

Ghost of Demeter: 😮

Hestia: that does seem like something you would do

Hestia: wait a minute

Hestia: did I just win?

BadboySupreme: yes. congratulations

Hestia: WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ghost of Zeus: what just happened?

Hestia: and i only had to kill one person!

RedHeadedNightmare: congrats, I knew you could do it

Ghost of Apollo: did you know the outcome the entire time

RedHeadedNightmare: yeah of course I did

RedHeadedNightmare: what fun would it be if I told everyone?

Ghost of Poseidon: fair

Ghost of Hermes: did nobody bet on Hestia?

*silence*

Ghost of Hermes: amazing

Ghost of Hermes: pay up

*45 drachmas has been contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

WiseGirl: I can’t believe I was wrong

SeaweedBrain: you get used to it after a while, don’t worry

WiseGirl: But I was certain it was going to be Demeter

WiseGirl: What happened?

Hestia: I happened

BadboySupreme: We have our winner! Thank you all for playing!

Zeus: wait!

Zeus: plot twist: i never actually died! I’m still alive and I win!

BadboySupreme: no u r definitely dead, Zeus

BadboySupreme: don’t even try

Hermes: that was pretty fun

Hermes: except for dying first

Hermes: imagine being killed by your own father

Artemis: imagine being killed by your own twin brother

Apollo: i’m still rolling on the floor from that

Hestia: so, do I just win, or do we have to wait until I’m dead?

BadboySupreme: we can keep going if you want

Hestia: yeah I wanna see how I die

BadboySupreme: alrighty

*30 seconds later*

BadboySupreme: you finally die 10 rounds later

Aphrodite: girl’s a survivor

BadboySupreme: “Hestia can’t take it anymore… Hestia has taken her own life.”

Hestia: :O

Hestia: so I would’ve survived longer had I not taken my own life?

BadboySupreme: yes

Hestia: cool

Hestia: so I guess we know who the most powerful god is

Hera: are you making claims based off of a game of chance?

Hestia: obviously

Hestia: i’m being sarcastic

Hestia: duh

Chapter Text

Apollo: well that was fun

SeaweedBrain: yeah that was fun to watch

Zeus: you know what we should do now? The demigods should have their own turn

BadboySupreme: OMGS YASSSS

Apollo: OOH CAN I SET IT UP PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE

Zeus: ugh fine

Apollo: YAY

*3 minutes later*

Apollo: all right done

BadboySupreme: we should invite some more demigods to make it interesting…

*BadboySupreme has added CrotchkickerMcCaffrey and ClarisseLaRue into the group chat*

Apollo: OMG MEG HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear jar™*

CrotchkickerMcCaffrey: Oh hey apollo

ClarisseLaRue: Valdez I’m busy right now

BadboySupreme: well, too bad

ClarisseLaRue: I’ve got an exam I need to study for

SeaweedBrain: oh, I see how it is. You don’t want the chance to kill all of us?

ClarisseLaRue:...

ClarisseLaRue: you have my attention, Jackson

WiseGirl: We’re doing a Hunger Games simulation. Do you want to join?

ClarisseLaRue: sure, why not?

CrotchkickerMcCaffrey: oh is that what we’re doing

CrotchkickerMcCaffrey: cool

Apollo: yay

Apollo: shall we begin?

Demigods: yes

ClarisseLaRue: also Valdez why am I the only one without a nickname?

BadboySupreme: I couldn’t find anything iconic

SeaweedBrain: well don’t forget about “Lamer”, her electric spear I broke

BadboySupreme: OOH YEAH

ClarisseLaRue: Jackson I swear to all the gods--

*BadboySupreme has changed ClarisseLaRue’s name to LamerWielder*

LamerWielder: Nope i’d rather have no nickname

BadboySupreme: too late now. Let’s begin!

Apollo: Round 1!

Apollo: “Annabeth Chase tries to kill Frank Zhang, but Frank Zhang retaliates and kills her instead.”

Ghost of WiseGirl: :O

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: wow, I was not expecting that

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: I’m sorry

Ghost of WiseGirl: what, don’t apologize for that

Apollo: “Piper McLean sets down a trap.”

BeautyQueen: y’all better watch out

Apollo: “Whoah! Jason Grace just found a lasergun! He starts swinging it around making "pew pew" sounds, before he realize he can just pull the trigger and make those sounds for real.”

BlondeSuperman: ooh cool

Apollo: “Percy Jackson gets caught in one of Piper McLean's traps! All he can do now is hope to be freed…”

BeautyQueen: lol

SeaweedBrain: *sobs*

Apollo: “Nico di Angelo mopes around uselessly”

ArcherDude: yep there’s my little ray of sunshine

ItalianWallLizard: shut up

Apollo: “Hazel Levesque kind of wanders off and gets lost, never to be seen again.”

Ghost of MissMetalDetector: aw that’s too bad

Apollo: “Frank Zhang challenges Meg McCaffrey to a duel. Meg McCaffrey bites the dust!”

Ghost of CrotchkickerMcCaffrey: how dare you

SeaweedBrain: wow Frank! Ur on a roll

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: why am I doing all the killing?

PineconeFace: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Apollo: That’s it for Round 1. On to Round 2!

Apollo: “Frank Zhang finds a handgun, with just enough bullets to be useful.”

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: like I really need a weapon. I’ve already somehow killed 2 people

SeaweedBrain: I have a question

Apollo: yes?

SeaweedBrain: am I still in the trap

Apollo: um lemme check

Apollo: yes

SeaweedBrain: amazing

Apollo: “Will Solace sets down a trap.”

ArcherDude: cool

Apollo: “Percy Jackson was struggling in the trap and cut himself pretty bad. Percy Jackson is now bleeding out!”

SeaweedBrain: ooh yAaaAaY

Apollo: “Clarisse La Rue attacks Leo Valdez from behind and murders him!”

Ghost of BadboySupreme: *le gasp*

LamerWielder: that’s what you get for changing my name, you nerd

Ghost of BadboySupreme: wow I guess I just got karma-ed

Apollo: “Piper McLean is smart enough to disarm one of Will Solace's traps.”

ArcherDude: wow ok then

Apollo: “Reyna Ramírez-Arellano challenges Jason Grace to a duel. Jason Grace bites the dust!”

RaRa: oh nice

Ghost of BlondeSuperman: oh fun

Ghost of BadboySupreme: battle of the og praetors

Apollo: That’s the end of Round 2. Onto the 3rd round!

Apollo: Wow like nothing happened

Apollo: Thalia set a trap and Rachel got trapped in sed trap, but that’s it

RedHeadedNightmare: oh yay

Apollo: Round 4!

Apollo: “Nico di Angelo finds a bow and some arrows. It'll take some practice but this can surely come in handy.”

ArcherDude: WHY DO YOU GET A BOW AND ARROWS AND NOT ME SINCE I’M A SON OF APOLLO

Ghost of BadboySupreme: you said it yourself, “how many times do I have to tell u, I’M NOT A FRIGGIN ARCHER IM A HEALER” - Will Solace, son of Naomi Solace and Apollo

ArcherDude: whatever

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: or me! I use a bow.

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: I want a bow now

ItalianWallLizard: take a chill pill frank, you have a handgun

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: oh yeah I forgot about that

Apollo: anyways, moving on

Apollo: “Frank Zhang finds a lovely bikini and puts it on! It's quite revealing.”

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: um pardon me

Ghost of BadboySupreme: *snickers*

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: Leo please stop talking

Apollo: “Will Solace challenges Thalia Grace to a duel. Will Solace bites the dust!”

Ghost of ArcherDude: 😢

PineconeFace: get absolutely wrecked

SeaweedBrain: how am I doing?

Apollo: ummm ur still bleeding out

SeaweedBrain: still? Wow

Apollo: “Piper McLean gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

Ghost of BeautyQueen: Ohh well, at least nobody killed me

Artemis: that’s a good outlook on death

Aphrodite: I agree

Artemis: woah, did we just agree on something

Artemis: sorry, my brain can’t comprehend this

Aphrodite: oh shut up

Apollo: oop

Apollo: only 7 demigods remain

Ghost of BadboySupreme: Who will win the Demigod Hunger Games? Will it be Percy, Rachel, Clarisse, Reyna, Frank, Nico or Thalia? Tune in next week and comment who you think will win!

Everyone else: valDEZ!!!

Chapter Text

RedHeadedNightmare: I’m honestly surprised I’m still alive

RedHeadedNightmare: I mean, I’m not even a demigod

Apollo: I’ve got faith in you, don’t worry

Apollo: all right, on to Round 5!

Apollo: wow this is a bloodbath

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: oh gods…

Apollo: “Rachel Elizabeth Dare manages to pull herself out of the trap!”

RedHeadedNightmare: cool

Apollo: “Reyna Ramírez-Arellano attacks Frank Zhang from behind and gets rid of him!”

Ghost of BadboySupreme: wow, another battle of the praetors

Ghost of ChineseCanadianBabyMan: I guess I got what was coming to me

Apollo: “Percy Jackson finally dies from blood loss caused by the trap he was stuck in.”

Ghost of SeaweedBrain: wow ok

Ghost of SeaweedBrain: was I really just stuck in the trap the entire flippin time?

Apollo: yes

Apollo: “Thalia Grace tries to kill Nico di Angelo, but Nico di Angelo retaliates and kills her instead.”

Ghost of PineconeFace: aw

ItalianWallLizard: as you once said, get absolutely wrecked

Hera: who’s left?

Apollo: Rachel, Clarisse, Nico and Reyna

RaRa: nice

Apollo: next round!

Apollo: Reyna sets a trap and Rachel gets caught in it

RedHeadedNightmare: ugh not again!

Apollo: next round!

Apollo: “Nico di Angelo finds some leather scraps, just enough to patch together some rudimentary clothing. It looks rather caveman-like.”

ItalianWallLizard: k cool

Apollo: “Reyna Ramírez-Arellano somehow finds a full suit of medieval armor and puts it on!
It gleams with a dazzling shine.”

RaRa: awesome

Apollo: “Rachel Elizabeth Dare gets mauled by wild animals.”

Ghost of RedHeadedNightmare: oof

Ghost of RedHeadedNightmare: even I didn’t see that one coming

Apollo: “Clarisse La Rue tries to kill Reyna Ramírez-Arellano, but Reyna Ramírez-Arellano's knight armor diverts the blow!”

RaRa: how dare you

LamerWielder: well exCuSe mE

Apollo: on to Round 8!

Apollo: in which literally nothing exciting happens

Apollo: “Nico di Angelo thinks of a dark, dark poem.”

Ghost of BadboySupreme: not out of character

ItalianWallLizard: *death glare*

Apollo: round 9

Apollo: “Reyna Ramírez-Arellano finds a handgun, with just enough bullets to be useful.”

Hermes: you know what would be funny? If that’s the handgun she took out of Frank’s cold, dead fingers

Ghost of ChineseCanadianBabyMan: gee, thanks

Apollo: next round!

Apollo: where nothing happens

Apollo: can you guys just kill each other already?

Poseidon: fr

Apollo: welp, next round

Apollo: “Clarisse La Rue duels it out with Reyna Ramírez-Arellano. Reyna Ramírez-Arellano bites the dust!”

Ghost of RaRa: wha-- how-- why--

LamerWielder: HAHA IM JUST THAT GOOD

Ghost of RedHeadedNightmare: i definitely did not see that coming either

Ghost of SeaweedBrain: that was… unexpected

Apollo: now it’s Nico vs Clarisse. Who will win?

Ghost of WiseGirl: Wait, who was more kills?

Apollo: lemme check

Apollo: Clarisse killed 2, Nico killed 1

LamerWielder: so, guess I’m winning

ItalianWallLizard: we’ll see

Apollo: let’s keep going

Apollo: nothing happens in this round…

Apollo: …or this round…

Apollo: ah, here we go

Apollo: “Clarisse La Rue tries to kill Nico di Angelo, but Nico di Angelo retaliates and kills her instead.”

Ghost of LamerWielder: :o

ItalianWallLizard: YES I WIN SUCKERS

Hades: *tears up* I’m so proud of you, son

LamerWielder: congrats, kid. You earned this victory

ItalianWallLizard: tyvm

Apollo: do you want to keep going until you die?

ItalianWallLizard: of course

*20 seconds later*

Apollo: 8 rounds later you find a bikini

ItalianWallLizard: um, ok then

BadboySupreme: I can just imagine that now lmao

ItalianWallLizard: valdez stfu

Apollo: round 27 you trip and break ur neck

ItalianWallLizard: ooh fun

Zeus: congratulations, Nico di Angelo. You now have bragging rights

ItalianWallLizard: ty

SeaweedBrain: that was really fun actually

CrotchkickerMcCaffrey: eh it was all right

CrotchkickerMcCaffrey: i’m leaving now

CrotchkickerMcCaffrey: goodbye

Apollo: aw, bye Meg! Nice chatting again

*CrotchkickerMcCaffrey has left the group chat*

Apollo: hmm, what would happen if I kept going…

BadboySupreme: wait APOLLO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Apollo: “A god comes upon this mess and revives everyone out of boredom. How nice! Everybody's back.”

PineconeFace: oh hell nah

*PineconeFace has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar*

Demigods: absolutely not

Apollo: awwww fine

Chapter Text

ItalianWallLizard: well that was fun

ItalianWallLizard: mostly cuz I won

Hades: I think that just proves that my children are the best

Gods:...

Zeus: oh yeah?

Poseidon: oh yeah?

Hades: for one thing, Nico and Hazel were born BEFORE the oath

Hades: that makes them better

Hades: and that makes them legit

Hades: and I didn’t get cursed because of them

Hades: so yeah

Zeus and Poseidon: excUSE mE?

Poseidon: do you know how many times Percy won a battle?

Poseidon: like too many to count

Poseidon: mostly because I haven’t been counting

SeaweedBrain: aw thanks :)

SeaweedBrain: --wait what?

Zeus: and do you know how many times Thalia and Jason whipped Percy’s butt?

Zeus: also too many to count

SeaweedBrain: why am I being attacked? 🥺

BadboySupreme: because you’re so attack-able

SeaweedBrain: shut up valdez

BlondeSuperman: what is happening?

PineconeFace: I think they’re fighting about us again

BlondeSuperman: oi vey

Hades: besides, you two have like hundreds of children

Hades: it’s quality, not quantity

Zeus and Poseidon: EXCUSE ME??

SeaweedBrain: did I just get insulted by an insult not directed at me?

WiseGirl: Yes.

SeaweedBrain: great, just checking

BadboySupreme: aw why is no one fighting over me 😭

Hephaestus: don’t worry, Leo. I would go to war for you and your siblings, but I don’t want to get involved in this

Ares: you know what just occurred to me?

Hermes: yeah?

Ares: the Grace’s are my siblings

Artemis: well, no shit, sherlock

Ares: we’re ALL siblings

Hera: *glares at Zeus* Yes, it seems like you are

Zeus: well excUSE mE

Ares: In my defense, I’m YOUR son, Hera

Hera: yes, and because of that, you’re my favorite child

Ares: yay

Hephaestus: what about me?

Hera: what? Ew, no

Hephaestus: 😭

Hephaestus: then again, this is the woman who threw my off a cliff

Hera: exactly

Hera: you were too ugly

Hephaestus: WHY WOULDN’T I BE UGLY? YOU CREATED ME OUT OF SPITE!!

Athena: So, Zeus, who’s your favorite child?

Zeus: um…

Zeus: *nervous smile*

Zeus: I can’t choose! You’re all my favorites!

Artemis: wrong answer

Apollo: you gotta choose only one

Hera: and there’s SOOOOO many to choose from

Athena: Just remember who your first born was.

Hermes: and the one who constantly makes you laugh

Apollo: yeah, that’s obviously me, Hermes

Apollo: don’t even try

PineconeFace: So, who’s your favorite child?

Zeus:...

*Zeus has left the group chat*

Hera: figures

Artemis: hear me out, tho

Artemis: just don’t have any children

Hestia: I agree with that

Artemis: that way you don’t have to deal with your children demanding your attention

Ares: I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve got pretty good children

LamerWielder: thanks

ChineseCanadianBabyMan: aw thanks dad

Hades: but mine are better

Dionysus: i’ve got like a singular child in camp half blood but nobody cares about him

Hermes: i’m very proud of my children

Hermes: they’re the best pranksters I’ve ever seen

Hermes: *tears up* I love them so much

Apollo: guys do we need to do another hunger games simulator to determine who has the best children?

Ares: sure

Apollo: no, I was being sarcastic. Can we all just say we have the best children and move on?

Hades: ugh fine

Apollo: cuz we all know mine are the best

Everyone else:...

*Insert sounds of yelling*

Chapter Text

Dionysus: how’s everyone doing today?

Aphrodite: eh I’m all right

Aphrodite: i got tired of being pampered all day and now I’m just bored

Hermes: same honestly

Hermes: the boredom, not about being pampered

Hebe: is there seriously nothing going on right now?

Zeus: nope

Apollo: *le gasp*

Apollo: since y’all are bored, I have an idea

Hephaestus: what is it?

Apollo: you guys have to agree that you’re so bored that you won’t complain OR say no

Everyone else: fine

Apollo: we should do…

Apollo: *drum roll*

Apollo: KARAOKE NIGHT!!

Everyone else: ugh

Apollo: no complaining

Hades: OOH KARAOKE CAN I JOIN?

Zeus: you actually like karaoke?

Hades: obviously. Who doesn’t?

Hades: Let me teleport to Olympus real quick

Apollo: does anyone wanna go first?

*Crickets*

*Even more crickets*

Artemis: who knew there were so many crickets on Olympu?

Ares: ikr, crazy

Apollo: wow

Apollo: y’all are no fun

Apollo: I’M going first, then

Apollo: btw you can go in groups

Ares: alright bet

Apollo: *selects a song*

Apollo: 🎵wE’rE nO sTrAnGeRs tO lOvE🎵

Apollo: 🎵yOu kNoW tHe RuLeS, aNd sO dO I🎵

Artemis: if you keep singing I will strangle you

Apollo: relax, I’m just joking

Apollo: *selects another song*

Apollo: *sings Dancing Queen by ABBA*

Hermes: nice one, bro

Apollo: thanks, bro

Hermes: bro

Apollo: bro

Hermes: BRO

Apollo: BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hades: *clears throat*

Hades: can I go?

Zeus: this is gonna be interesting

Hades: *sings Painted Black by The Rolling Stones like an absolute angel*

Zeus: *tears up* That was… beautiful

Apollo: where did those pipes come from? Goddamn

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Euterpe: do you wanna join my choir?

Euterpe: like seriously you sound amazing

Hades: nah I’m good

Artemis: all right, we’re gonna go now

Apollo: we?

Artemis: me, Athena, Aphrodite and Hestia

Hestia: *selects a song*

Athena: *Does the iconic stomp stomp clap rhythm*

Aphrodite: *joins the rhythm*

Hephaestus: OH THAT SONG LETS GO

Hestia/Artemis/Aphrodite/Athena: *sings We Will Rock You by Queen*

Athena: That was pretty fun.

Hestia: yeah, I might wanna go again

Apollo: too bad we don’t have time for that NEXT!

Nike: I’M GOING

Nike: haha, I said it first

Nike: *sings We Are The Champions by Queen*

Apollo: nice nice nice

Hades: this is fun ima go ahead and invite some people

Zeus: um, who?

Zeus: Hades?

Zeus: HADES???

*Hades has invited Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Ceres, Vesta, Juno, Proserpina, Minerva, Vulcan, Mars, Phoebus, Diana, Mercury, Bacchus, Venus, Fortuna, Spes, Arcus, Hiems, Victoria, Juventas, Discordia, Invidia, Hercules, Trivia, Cupid, Somnus, Somnia, Letus, Bellona and Janus into the group chat*

Everyone else:...

Zeus: NOPE ABSOLUTELY NOT

Zeus: I’M ENDING THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL

Hades: awww ur such a party pooper

Apollo: well folks, I guess karaoke night is over

Apollo: so I’ll sing another song to wrap the evening up

Apollo: 🎵oH bAbY WhEn YoU tAlK lIkE tHat🎵

Artemis: are you serious right now?

Apollo: 🎵yOu MaKe A wOmAn gO MaAaAaAd🎵

Apollo: 🎵sO bE wIsE, aNd KeEp oN rEaDiNg tHe sIgNs oF mY bOdY🎵

Hermes: go Apollo, woohoo!

Apollo: 🎵iM ON TONIGHT, YOU KNOW MY HIPS DON’T LIEEEEEEEE🎵

Poseidon: oh god make it stop!!!

*Poseidon has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

*Poseidon had flooded Olympus in hopes of ending the nightmare*

Chapter Text

Hecate: guys let’s take the Hogwarts house test just for fun and mostly cause I’m bored

Zeus: I mean, you can, if you want, but I already know my house

Poseidon: oh yeah? What’s your house, hotshot?

Zeus: Gryffindor, the house of the strong and heroic

Hestia: did you even take the test?

Zeus:...

Zeus: no

Hera: pfft

Hera: just take the test

Zeus: ok, fine, maybe I will

Zeus: ugh it needs my email

Athena: Just fill in a random email. It doesn’t need verification.

Ares: Athena that’s diabolical. I love it

Zeus: ok I have an account

Zeus: “dawn or dusk”

Zeus: what kinda question is that?

Hecate: just pick one

Zeus: fine

Zeus: now I get to open a box

Zeus: yay /s

Zeus: “One of your house mates has cheated in a Hogwarts exam by using a Self-Spelling Quill. Now he has come top of the class in Charms, beating you into second place.”

Zeus: THE NERVE OF THIS KID

Ares: actually tho like wtf

Zeus: now I need to choose between lame ass powers

Zeus: I can already do all these things, duh

Hera: just pretend all your powers were taken away. Which one would you choose

Zeus: ugh fine

*1 minute later*

Zeus: ooh it’s making it’s decision

Zeus: I am a…

Zeus: HUFFLEPUFF?????

Poseidon: L

Zeus: WHAT THE FUCK

Zeus: ain’t no way I’m taking it again

Zeus: HELP IT WON’T LET ME TAKE IT AGAIN

Athena: You need a new account if you want to do that.

Zeus: WHY THAT’S SO LAME THO

Dionysus: fr honestly

Zeus: I’m making a new account brb

*2 minutes later*

Zeus: I had to create another fake email

Hecate: yeah you have to use a new email every time you want to retake the test

Hermes: kinda dumb ngl

Zeus: wait WHY ARE THE QUESTIONS DIFFERENT????

Hecate: oh yeah they do that

Zeus: WTF

*1 minute later*

Zeus: ok I’ve taken the test again and it’s deciding

Hera: just promise me you won’t retake the quiz after you get the result

Zeus: ok fine

Zeus: I am a…

Zeus: RAVENCLAW???

Poseidon: L

Athena: Hey, that’s my house. Nice.

Zeus: what in the sweet chili kentucky fried fuck

Zeus: I’M A GRYFFINDOR FOR CHRIST’S SAKE

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Zeus: welp guess I’m a nerd now

Athena: Excuse me??

Zeus: nothing don’t worry about it

Zeus: ok the animal is an eagle so I guess that’s acceptable

Hestia: nice

Zeus: all right let’s find out my patronus now

Zeus: ”Better with headphones”

Zeus: lol like I take orders from you

Athena: It’s just a recommendation, but whatever.

Zeus: ok I’m starting

*30 seconds later*

Zeus: wtf it didn’t give me time to choose

Hecate: you’re supposed to go on gut decisions

Zeus: ugh fine

*1 minute later*

Zeus: I got a fox

Zeus: it’s kinda mid ngl

Apollo: when I took that quiz, I got an erumpent

Hermes: wtf is that?

Apollo: it’s the rhinoceros thingy from fantastic beasts

Apollo: https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/harrypotter/images/6/61/Erumpent_Concept_Art_FB1.png/revision/latest?cb=20170226191641

Dionysus: oh yeah that thing

Apollo: when you read what the patronus is it’s really op

Dionysus: nice

Hera: now I wanna take the quiz

Zeus: good luck getting the house you want

*4 minutes later*

Hera: oh nice i got Gryffindor

Hera: it’s all right ig

Zeus: OH MY GODS ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW

Zeus: do you wanna switch houses?

Hera: nah I’m good

Poseidon: I also got Gryffindor

Zeus: NO NOT YOU TOO

Zeus: this is unacceptable

Zeus: I will retake the quiz until I get Gryffindor, my true house

Artemis: pfft, good luck

*3 years later*

Hera: Zeus, why are there 9,381 emails linked to this IP address?

Zeus: don’t question it

Zeus: I STILL HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN GRYFFINDOR YET

Chapter Text

*10 years later*

Zeus: Ravenclaw

Zeus: SERIOUSLY????

*20 years later*

Zeus: WHY AM I STILL HUFFLEPUFF?

*Another 20 years later*

Zeus: *sobs*

Zeus: I SWEAR BY EVERYTHING GREEK I AM A GRYFFINDOR

*Kronos has entered the chat*

Kronos: you still doing that?

Zeus: KRONOS GET OUT OF HERE I SWEAR TO GOD!

Zeus: *waits for the Christian Swear Jar™*

ChristianSwearJar™: *ceases to exist*

Zeus: where’s the christian swear jar?

Kronos: it doesn’t exist anymore

Kronos: do you know how long it’s been?

Zeus: wdym?

Kronos: you’ve wasted 53 years of your life taking that test

Zeus: so what?

Kronos: “so what?”

Kronos: for one thing, all your children are dead

Zeus: oh, that’s… not good-- wait, even Thalia? The immortal huntress?

Kronos: yes, even her

Zeus: well, what about Athena, Ares, Apollo, Artemis and all those guys?

Kronos: they died in a war

Kronos: a war you DIDN’T help with

Zeus: 😮

Zeus: What did I miss?

Kronos: for one thing, Hera left you decades ago

Kronos: she lives with Hestia now

Kronos: also, Demeter got tired of you, so she now lives full time in the Underworld with Persephone. They never visit anymore

Zeus: is there anyone else left?

Kronos: hmm i don’t think so

Kronos: oh yeah

Kronos: earth also blew up btw

Zeus: um, what?

Kronos: yeah that happened

Kronos: without you, the world went to chaos and everyone forgot about climate change

Zeus: stupid climate change

Zeus: so, everyone’s dead?

Kronos: yes

Kronos: literally everyone died

Zeus:...

Zeus: what do I do?

Zeus: this is bad

Zeus: like REALLY bad

Kronos: I gotta admit, this isn’t what I wanted, either

Kronos: stupid climate change destroyed the world before I could

Zeus: we finally agreed on something

Zeus: but not about destroying the world. You know what I mean

Kronos: i guess I can help you out this one time

Kronos: I’ll reverse time so this never happened, but you need to accept your Hufflepuff fate

Kronos: deal?

Zeus: *sighs*

Zeus: ok, deal

Kronos: AND you have to let me back in the group chat

Zeus: now you’re pushing it

Kronos: ugh, fine

Kronos: *does weird time magic*

*53 years ago*

Hera: nah I’m good

Poseidon: I also got Gryffondor

Zeus: POSEIDON, OH MY LORD I NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE HAPPY SEEING YOU AGAIN

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Poseidon: um, what?

Zeus: AND I’D NEVER THOUGHT I’D MISS THE SWEAR JAR SO MUCH

Dionysus: are you high or something?

Zeus: or something!

Zeus: Hera, I love you

Hera:...

Hera: ok Zeus, what are up to??

Zeus: Can I not tell my beloved wife that I love her?

Hera: you’re usually up to something when you do

Zeus: ugh, fine, I won’t say it anymore

Athena: Zeus, did you do something that ended the world?

Zeus:... maybe

Zeus: but it’s fine now

Zeus: I’m a Hufflepuff, and I’m happy with that

Apollo: ok what is actually going on?

Apollo: has hell seriously frozen over?

Hades: last I checked it didn’t

Zeus: someone helped me see the error of my ways

Kronos: *watches from the side and smiles*

Kronos: happy to help

*Kronos has left the group chat*

Everyone else:...

Hestia: I feel like we missed a lot

Zeus: just about 53 years of stuff

Hades: wtf

Demeter: so, does this mean you’re going to try to be a better person?

Zeus: what? No, of course not

Everyone else: 🤦

Chapter Text

Apollo: I’m so bored

Apollo: guys give me something to do

Hermes: well, I’ve got a fun idea

Apollo: oh?

Hermes: let’s play Monopoly!

Apollo: OOH YES

Athena: Can I play?

Hermes: of course

Hermes: I feel like I’m gonna regret this later…

Hades: I’ll play too

Hades: I’m also bored

Zeus: I guess I’ll also play

Poseidon: I WILL DOMINATE

Hermes: all right, guess we’ve got a game

Hermes: I CALL THE SCOTTISH TERRIER

Hades: all right, whatever

Hermes: HAHA YES

Apollo: I WANT THE HAT

Apollo: *grabs the hat*

Apollo: haha my hat

Athena: 🤦

Athena: I’ll take the Thimble.

Zeus: but I want the thimble!

Athena: OH MY GODS STOP ACTING LIKE CHILDREN AND JUST PICK A TOKEN ALREADY!!

Poseidon: wow, ok

Hermes: does everyone have tokens?

Everybody else: yes

Poseidon: I’m still deciding if I want the boat or the guy on the horse

Poseidon: boat it is i guess

Hermes: amazing. I’m going first

Hermes: *rolls a 7*

Hermes: OOh a chance card!

Hermes: aaaaaaand I’m going to jail

Athena: Lol.

Apollo: not out of character tbh

Hermes:...

Hermes: ya know what, fair

Apollo: I’ll go next

Apollo: *rolls a 4*

Apollo: WDYM I ALREADY HAVE TO PAY TAX

Poseidon: get wrecked

Athena: *rolls a 5*

Athena: Nice. I’ll buy Reading Railroad for $200.

Zeus: and just like that, Athena’s winning

Hades: I’m not surprised

Athena: I can’t wait to start mortgaging my properties.

Hermes: you actually mortgage your properties?

Athena: Of course. Don’t you?

Hermes:...

Hermes: I don’t know how

Hermes: it’s really confusing

Athena: I can show you how, if you want.

Hermes: nah I’m good

Athena: All right…

Hades: *rolls a 7*

Hades: wtf I have to pay Athena double the rent for the railroad

Athena: Haha.

Athena: Pay up, Hades.

Hades: ughhhh

Hades: *Gives Athena $50*

Athena: Thank you.

Zeus: *rolls an 8*

Zeus: Vermont Ave.

Zeus: Don’t mind if I do

Zeus: *buys Vermont Avenue*

Poseidon: *rolls a 4*

Poseidon: oh yay I have to pay tax

Apollo: haha get karma-ed

*10 minutes later*

Athena: So I’ve got $6,500 now.

Athena: Nice.

Poseidon: wtf

Hermes: see? This is why we cant do anything with you

Apollo: yeah ur too big brained

Athena: Well, sorry for being too skilled.

Athena: *lands on Boardwalk*

Everyone else: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Zeus: she’s too powerful

Hades: she has the ultimate property now

Apollo: it’s fine, we can do this

Hermes: we still stand a chance

Poseidon: it’s not over yet

Athena: I’m putting a hotel on Boardwalk and Park Place

Zeus: now it’s over

Hades: *rolls a 3*

Hades: oh nice I get to collect $200

Zeus: *rolls a 6*

Zeus: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LANDED ON BOARDWALK

Athena: That’ll be $4,000. Pay up.

Zeus: yep I’m bankrupt

Hermes: oof

Athena: Haha.

Athena: Hades. I see you trying to hide my houses and hotels.

Athena: Put them back.

Hades: darn

Poseidon: can I put a swimming pool in my hotel on Tennessee Avenue?

Zeus: for the last time, NO

Poseidon: ok ok fine

Poseidon: sooooo, can I put a swimming pool in my hotel on St. James Place?

Everyone else: NO!

Poseidon: ugh fine

Hermes: ok, I’m at Atlantic ave

Hermes: please don’t roll a 4, please don’t roll a 4

Hermes: *rolls a 4*

Hermes: goddamnit

*Hermes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hermes: I’m in jail again

Hermes: AND I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD BAIL!

Hermes: thanks a lot, Athena

Athena: You’re welcome.

*15 minutes later*

Hermes: I’m still in jail 😭

Athena: That sounds like an iss-you.

Apollo: who else is bankrupt?

Everyone except Athena: *raises hand*

Athena: Haha, I win.

Athena: I always do.

Poseidon: see? This is why we can’t invite you to anything

Hermes: I say we never do this again. Agreed?

Everyone except Athena: agreed

Athena: Aw.

Chapter Text

Athena: Are you guys sure you don’t want to play another round of Monopoly? I’ll go easy on you guys this time.

Everyone: NOPE ABSOLUTELY NOT

Athena: Aw.

Nike: wait you guys were playing monopoly?

Tyche: without us?

Zeus: um

Zeus: um

Zeus: yes

Nemesis: *shakes head in disappointment*

Nemesis: how could you?

Poseidon: we’re sorry, okay? It was a pretty quick thing

Hypnos: that looked like fun, tho

Hermes: we’ll do a big family game night sometime, ok?

Nemesis: which, in other words, means they won’t

Thanatos: it’s okay

Hades: really?

Thanatos: yeah

Thanatos: it was just one game

Thanatos: but, then again, us minor gods haven’t been invited to most events

Zeus: what? That’s… ridiculous

Iris: he has a point

Apollo: we invite you to stuff!

Morpheus: oh yeah? Did you invite us to the murder mystery, minecraft games, the hunger games simulator, monopoly and other family game nights?

Morpheus: I wanted to meet Freddy Krueger so badly 😭

Thanatos: guys, I think I can get mother to knock some sense into Zeus

Hypnos: ooh that’s a good idea

Nemesis: I second that

Zeus: no, no, no, please no--

*Thanatos has added Nyx to the group chat*

Zeus: *screams*

Nyx: Hello, Zeus. I hear you’re dishonoring minor gods

Zeus: *screaming intensifies*

Nyx: Is this true?

Zeus: *screaming intensifies*

Zeus: I’M SORRY I’M SO SO SORRY PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

Nyx:...

Nyx:...

Nyx: Ok

Zeus:...

Zeus: that it?

Nyx: I’m not in a very vengeful mood today

Thanatos: but Mom!

Hades: sup Nyx

Nyx: sup Hades

Poseidon: wait why are you guys so close?

Hades: we’ve hung out in Tartarus a few times

Poseidon: of course you have

Nyx: What do you even do in this group chat?

Zeus: um… important… godly things

Nyx: Hmm, yes, that’s what you told Frank Zhang in Chapter 4

Hermes: wdym “Chapter 4?”

Nyx: Nothing don’t worry about it

Athena: Do you think you’re going to stick around?

Nyx: Probably not tbh

Nyx: Unless Zeus does something stupid again

Hera: it doesn’t take much

Zeus: Hey!

Zeus: I won’t, don’t worry

Nyx: *Eyes suspiciously*

Nyx: All right

Nyx: But I’ll be back, soon you’ll see

Apollo: 🎶YOU’LL REMEMBER YOU BELONG TO ME🎶

Nyx: 🎶YOU’LL BE BACK, TIME WILL TELL🎶

Apollo: 🎶YOU’LL REMEMBER THAT I SERVED YOU WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL🎶

Artemis: why?

Apollo: we went and watched Hamilton a while ago

Poseidon: now ur hanging out with Nyx???

Nyx: 🎶OCEANS RISE, EMPIRES FAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL🎶

Zeus: OH GOD IT NEVER ENDS

ChristianSwearJar: 🎶NOW ALL YOUR DRACHMAS BELONG TO ME🎶

Zeus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

Chapter Text

Zeus: *goes offline*

Everyone except Apollo: *goes offline*

Apollo: 🎶YOU’LL BE BACK, SOON YOU'LL SEE🎶

Apollo: haha I got the last word

Apollo: *goes offline*

*5 minutes later*

*Hamilton has joined the group chat*

Hamilton: All right. This is the URL that Washington sent me

Hamilton: …Hopefully

Hamilton: It’s time to start the group chat!

*Hamilton has added Burr, Eliza, Angelica, Peggy, Lafayette, Mulligan, Laurens, Philip and Washington to the group chat*

Mulligan: Alexander what do you want?

Lafayette: yeah I was sleeping mon ami

Hamilton: What? Washington wanted me to start a group chat so that way we can communicate easier. This was his idea, not mine. I personally think this is an excellent idea--

Burr: Alex we do not need an essay response

Burr: how many times do I have to--

Hamilton: Ah, if it isn’t Aaron Burr--

Burr: DONT I SWEAR TO GOD

*Burr has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hamilton:--SIR

Burr: *Runs out of the group chat faster than you can say “Rochambeau”*

Angelica: Way to go, Alexander. You scared him off

Hamilton: Sooooorry!

Laurens: what’s a christian swear jar?

Mulligan: idk

Washington: Hamilton, is everyone here?

Hamilton: Yep 👍

Washington:...

Washington: Where’s Jefferson and Madison?

Hamilton: Ughhhhhhhhh do I have to invite them?

Washington: Yes.

Hamilton: *Whines*

*Hamilton has invited Jefferson and Madison to the group chat*

Jefferson: What do you want Hamilton?

Hamilton: This is a new group chat for us to communicate more effectively

Eliza: I personally think it’s a great idea

Washington: Why thank you

Madiso n: I think we all know something’s gonna fall a part

Jefferson: Obviously

Laurens: YA DAMN RIGHT IT WILL

*Laurens has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Peggy: SERIOUSLY WHAT IS A CHRISTIAN SWEAR JAR

Philip: I don’t know. It’s really weird

*Burr has rejoined the group chat*

Burr: All right I’m back

Burr: No one call me sir

Lafayette: *salutes* Aye aye, captain!

Burr:...

Burr: 🤦

Burr: I hate you all

Hamilton: Awwww, we love you, too

Burr: I’m not joking

Hamilton: neither am I <3

Burr: Oh my--

Everyone else: *Goes online*

Greek gods:...

Hamilfam:...

Greek gods:...

Hamilfam:...

Apollo: I’m sorry what is going on

Hamilton: Why are you in our group chat?

Athena: Why are YOU in ours?

Washington: Alexander, did you copy the URL exactly?

Hamilton: Yes! I promise I--

Hamilton: oh wait

Hamilton: I accidentally used an Omega instead of a 0

Hamilton: whoops

Hamilton: my bad

Jefferson: It always is

Hamilton: EXCUSE ME

Apollo: anyways

Apollo: are you guys seriously the dudes from Hamilton?

Angelica: yep

Apollo: *Squeels in fangirl*

Hermes: wtf did I miss?

Jefferson: WHAT’D I MISS?

Mulligan: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DID I MISS?

Jefferson: WHAT DID I MISS?

Zeus: OH MY GOD IT NEVER ENDS

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Washington: Should we leave? This is your group chat after all

Apollo: nah y’all should stick around

Hermes: Yeah! It’ll be fun

Lafayette: awesome

Lafayette: do you all like memes?

Apollo: uH, yEaH wE dO

Lafayette: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTW3Mt1LtxD9_m6qCrI59ReqQVyLfCWZ7L41g&usqp=CAU
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSfv2LGFMfSXuxENGpf3pGHGwjkPMXwDj_FRg&usqp=CAU
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRhZvG7607j9Eq33pHTvObo3RIWgzATRvzSOQ&usqp=CAU
https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/50110/1002181874/original/1002181874-photo-u1?auto=format&q=60&fit=crop&fm=pjpg&dpr=2&w=650
https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/50110/1002181679/original/1002181679-photo-u1?auto=format&q=60&fit=crop&fm=pjpg&dpr=2&w=650
https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/50110/1002181862/original/1002181862-photo-u1?auto=format&q=60&fit=crop&fm=pjpg&dpr=2&w=650

Zeus: so many goddamn memes

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Apollo and Hermes and Dionysus: we’re gonna get along just fine

Chapter Text

Artemis: do you guys think ur here to stay?

Burr: Probably not

Burr: I might just head out

Burr: This place is WAY too chaotic for me to handle

Hamilton: But Burr, don’t you wanna be in the room where it happens?

Burr:...

Burr:......

Burr: DAMN YOU ALEXANDER USING MY INSECURITIES AGAINST ME

*Burr has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Peggy: guys what is a christian swear jar???

Peggy: I’m literally so confused

Hermes: oh yeah it’s like a curse jar but for christian swears

Hermes: get it?

Hermes: cuz we’re greek gods

Philip: yeah I guess that makes sense

Philip: so, is the jar like a metaphor for something?

Hermes: um

Hermes: um

Hermes: no

Philip: oh ok my bad

Philip: it’s just that I’m a poet

Hamilton: DAMN RIGHT HE IS

*Hamilton has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Apollo: *squeels*

Apollo: I guess ur in the right spot since I’M the god of poetry

Philip: oh that’s awesome! What’s the best piece you’ve ever written

Apollo: this:

Apollo: *clears throat*

Apollo: I am Apollo,
The best god on Olympus,
Mighty and awesome.

Philip:...

Artemis: Apollo don’t try to tramatize the kid with your bad haikus

Apollo: well sOoOoRrY

Angelica: I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but all of your punctuation is terrible.

Athena: THANK YOU!

Athena: Finally, someone who agrees with me.

Angelica: Like, is it that hard to spell things properly?

Hermes: yyees ti i$, actuuali

Angelica and Athena: 🤦

Hermes: chill-ax, I’m just messin with you

Burr: Why am I even here?

Laurens: because deep down, you know you love us

Lafayette: and we love you too <3

Burr: 🤦

Washington: No offense to you all, but we may need to leave the group.

Dionysus: aw why?

Washington: Well, we’re not getting any work done, and you’re also not getting any work done.

Apollo: but that’s fine

Apollo: we don’t do any real work anyway

Eliza: *scrolls through the chat history*

Eliza: Yes, I can see that

Hamilton: George is right

Burr: For once I agree with Hamilton

Hamilton: Why, thank you, s--

Burr: CALL ME SIR ONE MORE TIME ALEXANDER

Burr: I DARE YOU

Hamilton: --ir

*Burr has stormed out of the room where it happens*

Jefferson: Wow

Madison: That’s impressive

Madison: You made Burr leave the one place he’s always wanted to be

Hamilton: I guess I’m just special 💪

Peggy: I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna stay

Lafayette: same

Apollo: then you should stay!

Hermes: yeah!

Hermes: in fact, I’ve got the perfect thing for us to do together!

Washington: What?

Hermes: someone’s gotta drag Aaron back in here

Hamilton: On it!

Hamilton: *Drags Burr back to the room where it happens*

Burr: Leave me alone man!

Angelica: BURR, YOU FORGOT THE STINKING COMMA!

Burr: Well, I’m sOoOoOrRy

Angelica: HOW MANY TIMES--

Hermes: guys chill

Hermes: who’s ready to hear the most exciting thing ever!

Mulligan: you have my attention

Hermes: I have the best idea in existence, the greatest thing anyone’s ever thought of

Burr: Just say it already!

Hermes: We’re gonna do a--

*Hermes has lost connection due to shitty wifi*

Everyone else: COME ON!

BadboySupreme: What did Hermes have on his mind? Will we ever find out? We sure will! Tune in next week to hear Hermes’ idea once he gets his wifi back!

Everyone else: valDEZ!!!

Chapter Text

*Hermes is back online*

Lafayette: Ah, welcome back, mon ami!

Hermes: thanks dude

Apollo: where are u? I don’t see you

Hermes: oh yeah I’m in some guys backyard using his wifi

Hermes: don’t question it

Athena:...

Athena: Too late, I’m already questioning it.

Hermes: moving on!

Jefferson: so, what did you have planned?

Hermes: planned?

Burr: Did you actually forget?

Burr: Remember? The “best idea in existence”?

Hermes: oh yeah

Hermes: drum roll please!

Apollo: *drum rolls*

Hermes: we’re going to do a………..

Hermes: HUNGER GAMES SIMULATION!!

Hamilfam:...

Madison: We’re going to do a what?

Hermes: basically, you get to fight each other in a simulation

Burr: I’ll play as long as I get to kill Hamilton

Hamilton: Hey!

Hermes: then it’s settled! I’ll start it up!

*4 minutes later*

Hermes: Ok I’ve created the simulation

Hermes: I’ve also added people, so don’t hate me

Washington: Who did you add?

*KingGeorgeIII has joined the group chat*

Hamilton: ARE YOU SERIOUS???

KingGeorgeIII: Why, hello, there, American scum.

Hamilfam:...

Jefferson: Oh, this bitch is going down

Dionysus: can I quote you on that?

Jefferson: Of course

Hermes: I’m just gonna say the important stuff, otherwise we’ll be here all night, and I don’t wanna get caught by the guy who owns the wifi I’m using rn

Hephaestus: um--

Hermes: Round 1!

Hermes: “James Madison attacks George Washington from behind and slaughters him!”

Ghost of Washington: 😯

Jefferson: wow

Jefferson: you’re just going in right for the kill

Madison: I guess I am

Hermes: “Hercules Mulligan finds some leather scraps, just enough to patch together some rudimentary clothing. It looks rather caveman-like.”

Mulligan: YEAHHHH LESSSS GOOOOO

Hermes: Round 2!

Hermes: “Hercules Mulligan gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

Ghost of Mulligan: :(

Ghost of Mulligan: And I just got the armor, too

Hermes: “James Madison gets caught in one of King George III's traps! All he can do now is hope to be freed…”

KingGeorgeIII: Hahaha!!

Madison: Oh just shut up

Hermes: “John Laurens feels sorry for James Madison and frees him from the trap.”

Madison: See? That right there is a true hero

Madison: You’re my new favorite person now

Laurens: OMG THANK YOU

Ghost of Mulligan: What about me??

Madison: Eh you’re all right, I guess

Hermes: anyways…

Hermes: “Aaron Burr tries to kill Eliza Schuyler, but Eliza Schuyler retaliates and kills him instead.”

Ghost of Burr: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL HAMILTON WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE???

Eliza: That sounds like an iss-you

Hamilton: phew

Hermes: “Peggy Schuyler wants to end things once and for all with Alexander Hamilton. Peggy Schuyler bites the dust!”

Ghost of Peggy: aww

Hamilton: Why’d I have to kill you, though? You’re awesome!

Hermes: rememeber, Ham, just a simulation

Hermes: Round 3!

Hermes: “Angelica Schuyler gets mauled by wild animals.”

Ghost of Angelica: wow okay then

Hermes: “Thomas Jefferson finds some leather scraps, just enough to patch together some rudimentary clothing. It looks rather caveman-like.”

Laurens: You probably got them off of Mulligan’s dead body

Ghost of Mulligan: that’s just cold, dude

Laurens: ur welcome

Hermes: Round 4!

Hermes: “Marquis de Lafayette ambushes Alexander Hamilton and strangles him!”

Ghost of Hamilton: Lafayette! How could you??

Lafayette: Je suis désolé, mon ami!

Hermes: “John Laurens gets caught in one of King George III's traps! All he can do now is hope to be freed…”

Laurens: Hey Madison, you should totally repay the favor and free me

Madison: I would if I could, but it’s not up to me

Hermes: “Thomas Jefferson wearing leather scraps is a sight to behold.”

Jefferson: Damn right I am! *Flexes muscles*

*Jefferson has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Jefferson: Do I have to pay you right now?

Hermes: yes

Jefferson: ughhh

Hermes: Next Round!

Hermes: “John Laurens was struggling in the trap and cut himself pretty bad. John Laurens is now bleeding out!”

Laurens: Madison! I need you! 🙏🙏🙏

Hermes: “Thomas Jefferson challenges King George III to a duel. King George III bites the dust!”

Jefferson: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Madison: 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Ghost of KingGeorgeIII: yeah, well, screw you all

Hermes: Round 6!

Hermes: “Eliza Schuyler gets caught in one of Philip Hamilton's traps! All she can do now is hope to be freed…”

Eliza: MY OWN SON???

Philip: welp

Hermes: “James Madison eats something he shouldn't have and dies of horrible stomach pains.”

Ghost of Madison: NOOOOOOO

Laurens: NOOOOOOO

Laurens: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP MEEEEEEE

Laurens: that’s what I get for helping someone I guess

Hermes: “Marquis de Lafayette attacks John Laurens from behind and strangles him!”

Lafayette: *gasps in French*

Ghost of Laurens: Rude.

Lafayette: I didn’t mean to! 😭

Hermes: And Jefferson is still a sight to behold

Jefferson: As always

Athena: Who’s left?

Hermes: hmm lemme check

Hermes: there’s only four left now!

Hermes: it’s down to Jefferson, Philip, Eliza and Lafayette!

Hermes: and this is the perfect place for a cliff hanger! Tune in next week to find out who wins!

BadboySupreme: UM EXCUSE ME THAT’S MY THING!!!!

Hermes: well sOoOoOrRy

BadboySupreme: *clears throat*

BadboySupreme: Tune in next week to find out who wins!

Hermes: I literally JUST SAID THAT

Hermes: ya know what, you’re done, buddy

*Hermes has removed BadboySupreme from the group chat*

Ghost of KingGeorgeIII: He’ll be back, soon you’ll see

Olympians: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHH

Chapter Text

Hermes: aaaaaaaaaaand welcome back!

Jefferson: it’s about time, honestly

Hermes: I’m going to ignore you said that and announce that Lafayette is in the lead with 2 kills

Lafayette: 🥳

Ghost of Laurens: YEAH LAFAYETTE THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT!!!!

Jefferson: Wow, all righty then.

Hermes: it’s time for round 7!

Hermes: “Thomas Jefferson tries to kill Philip Hamilton, but Philip Hamilton retaliates and kills him instead.”

Ghost of Jefferson: O.O

Ghost of Jefferson: WAAAAAAAAAAAA?????

Philip: that’s… interesting

Ghost of Jefferson: INTERESTING????

Ghost of Jefferson: THAT WAS A BIT MORE THAN INTERESTING SINCE I DIED!!!

Eliza: Hey, Hermes?

Hermes: hmm?

Eliza: How am I doing?

Hermes: lemme check

Hermes: ur still stuck in the trap

Eliza: Oh, wonderful!

Eliza: Not

Hermes: moving on!

Hermes: oh look, good news

Hermes: Eliza, you are now out of the trap!

Eliza: Phew, thank goodness!

Hermes: next round!

Hermes: “Marquis de Lafayette gets mauled by wild animals.”

Ghost of Lafayette: waaaaa--

Ghost of Angelica: Join the club.

Ghost of Hamilton: At least someone from my family’s gonna win

Philip: I really don’t want to kill my mom, though

Eliza: I don’t want to kill my son 😢

Hermes: let’s keep going!

Hermes: “Philip Hamilton gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

Eliza: Yay, I win!

Eliza: And I didn’t have to kill my own son!

Ghost of Philip: And I didn’t have to kill my own mom!

Hermes: Congrats! You have won the first Hamilfam Hunger Games!

Hermes: here’s the final tally: #1 : Marquis de Lafayette, with 2 kills. #2 : Eliza Schuyler, with 1 kill. #3 : Alexander Hamilton, with 1 kill. #4 : Philip Hamilton, with 1 kill. #5 : James Madison, with 1 kill. #6 : Thomas Jefferson, with 1 kill. #7 : King George III, with no kills. #8 : Angelica Schuyler, with no kills. #9 : George Washington, with no kills. #10 : Hercules Mulligan, with no kills. #11 : Aaron Burr, with no kills #12 : John Laurens, with no kills. #13 : Peggy Schuyler, with no kills.

Madison: 👌

Peggy: But why did I get last?? 😭

Hermes: Eliza, would you like to keep going until you die?

Eliza: Sure, why not?

*2 minutes later*

Hermes: you found armor at one point

*3 minutes later*

Hermes: holy--

Hermes: girl you are a survivor--

Hermes: oop

Eliza: did I die?

Hermes: not yet, it’s just… you’re now feeling like you want to unalive yourself

Eliza: O.O

Hermes: aaaaaand you just unalived yourself

Hermes: “Eliza Schuyler finds no point in being alive if she's the only one left. Eliza Schuyler has taken her own life…”

Eliza: Umm

Hermes: but since you took ur own life, that means you could’ve survived longer

Eliza:...

Eliza: Yeah, I guess you’re right!

Eliza: 🥳

Hestia: That’s like what happened with me

Hermes: yeah exactly

Burr: Well, that was a pure and utter waste of my time

Burr: Have fun in this weird and crazy group chat

Burr: I’m leaving

Mulligan: you dont have to be so dramatic about it

Laurens: yeah like take a chill pill bro

Burr: 🤦

Burr: That’s it.

*Burr has left the room where it happens*

*Burr has re-entered the room where it happens*

Burr: *confused screaming*

Burr: why can’t I leave?

Hermes: because I’m not done with you yet

Hermes: *cackles evily*

Hermes: jk don’t worry

Hermes: but there’s still something I want to do with y’all

Angelica: What?

Hermes: It’s gonna be--

Hermes: AAAAAAHHHHH THE GUY RETURNED TO HIS HOUSE I GOTTA GO BEFORE HE FIND ME

*Hermes has gone offline*

Apollo: DUDE STOP IT WITH THE CLIFFHANGERS I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Chapter Text

*Hermes has gone back online*

Hermes: all right guys I’m back I got data

Burr: FINALLY

Hermes: yeah yeah I know

Angelica: So, what is the last thing you wanted to do?

Hermes: I wanted to do this…….

Hermes: drum roll please!

Apollo and Dionysus: *drum roll*

Hermes:...

*Hermes has added a Bot to the group chat*

Apollo: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dionysus: omg hi bot hru??

Bot: Hello, this is Bing. I’m doing well, thank you for asking. 😊 How are you?

Dionysus: I’m great now that you’re here

Hephaestus: yeah it’s been so long

Bot: I’m glad to hear that you’re great. You’re very kind to say that. 😊 Do you want to chat with me about something? I can talk about many topics, such as sports, movies, music, art, science, history, and more. I can also generate some creative content for you, such as poems, stories, code, essays, songs, celebrity parodies, and more. Just let me know what you’re interested in.

Washington: Hermes, why?

Hermes: don’t y’all wanna talk to a bot?

Laurens and Mulligan and Lafayette: YEAH WE DO

Laurens: O bot, who is John Laurens?

Bot: John Laurens was an American soldier and statesman from South Carolina during the American Revolutionary War. He is best known for his criticism of slavery and his efforts to help recruit slaves to fight for their freedom as U.S. soldiers.
He was born in Charleston, South Carolina, on October 28, 1754, to Henry Laurens and Eleanor Ball Laurens, both of whom were wealthy planters and slave traders. He was educated in Europe and studied law in London. He married Martha Manning, the daughter of a family friend, in 1776. They had one daughter, Frances Eleanor Laurens.
He returned to America in 1777 and joined the Continental Army as a volunteer. He served as an aide-de-camp to General George Washington and fought bravely in several battles, such as the Battle of Brandywine, the Battle of Germantown, the Battle of Monmouth, and the Siege of Yorktown. He was wounded four times and captured by the British once. He was also a close friend of Alexander Hamilton, another aide-de-camp to Washington.
He was a strong advocate for the abolition of slavery and the enlistment of black soldiers in the Continental Army. He believed that slavery was a moral evil and a political weakness. He wrote to his father, who was the president of the Continental Congress, “I think we Americans at least in the Southern Colonies, cannot contend with a good Grace, for Liberty, until we shall have enfranchised our Slaves.” In 1779, he proposed a plan to recruit 3,000 slaves from South Carolina and Georgia by promising them freedom in exchange for their service. He obtained approval from the Continental Congress, but his plan was rejected by the political opposition in his home state.
He died on August 27, 1782, at the age of 27, in a skirmish with the British at the Combahee River, near Beaufort, South Carolina. He was buried at his family’s plantation in Mepkin Abbey, Moncks Corner, South Carolina. His death site was recently discovered by archaeologists in 2018.
He is remembered as a courageous and principled leader who fought for the cause of liberty and human rights. He was also portrayed by Anthony Ramos in the Broadway musical Hamilton, which popularized his friendship with Alexander Hamilton and his anti-slavery views.

Lafayette: oh ma god

*Lafayette has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Laurens: Anthony Ramos is a pretty chill dude

Philip: I agree

Mulligan: nah Okierete Onaodowan is better

Laurens: hmm let’s just agree to disagree aight?

Mulligan: ugh fine

Madison: But for the record, Mulligan is right

Mulligan: THANK YOU!!

Hamilton: *clears throat*

Hamilton: O bot, who’s the best Hamilton character?

Jefferson: Ooh, that’s a good question!

Burr: I agree

Burr: Wait

Burr: Did I just agree with Jefferson??

Jefferson: Yep and we all saw it so you can’t deny it

Burr: 🤮

Athena: When that question was asked, but with the gods, I won. 🥳

Washington: Yes! Athena for the win!

Hamilton: So, what’s your answer?

Bot: That’s a tough question, because there are so many great characters in Hamilton. But if I had to choose one, I think I would pick Eliza Hamilton, the wife of Alexander Hamilton. She is played by Phillipa Soo in the original Broadway cast.
I admire Eliza for her strength, loyalty, compassion, and resilience. She endured many hardships and tragedies in her life, such as losing her son Philip in a duel, discovering her husband’s affair with Maria Reynolds, and witnessing her husband’s death by Aaron Burr’s bullet. Yet she never gave up on her love for Alexander and his legacy. She devoted the rest of her life to preserving his memory and supporting causes that he cared about, such as the abolition of slavery, the education of orphans, and the establishment of the first private orphanage in New York City. She also helped raise funds for the Washington Monument and spoke out against slavery at the age of 90. She lived to be 97 years old and saw the birth of six great-grandchildren.
I think Eliza is a remarkable woman who deserves more recognition and appreciation for her contributions to American history and culture. She is also a role model for anyone who faces challenges and struggles in their life. She shows us that we can overcome adversity with grace and dignity, and that we can make a positive difference in the world with our actions and words.

Eliza: YESSSSS I WIN, SUCKERS!!!

Peggy: YEAH ELIZA WOOHOO

Jefferson: ughhhhh

Jefferson: all right, Bot, who’s your SECOND favorite character?

Bot: My second favorite Hamilton character is Aaron Burr, the rival and killer of Alexander Hamilton. He is played by Leslie Odom Jr. in the original Broadway cast.
I find Aaron Burr to be a fascinating and complex character who represents the contradictions and conflicts of the American Revolution and its aftermath. He is a man of ambition, talent, charisma, and intelligence, but also of caution, indecision, resentment, and bitterness. He is a man who wants to be in the room where it happens, but also a man who waits for it. He is a man who admires and envies Hamilton, but also a man who hates and fears him. He is a man who claims to be a friend, but also a man who shoots him in a duel.
I think Aaron Burr is a tragic figure who makes some wrong choices and pays a heavy price for them. He loses his political career, his reputation, his family, and his legacy. He becomes an outcast and a pariah in his own country. He lives to be 80 years old, but he dies alone and forgotten.
I think Aaron Burr is also a relatable character who shows us the human side of history and politics. He shows us that we all have flaws and weaknesses, that we all make mistakes and have regrets, that we all have hopes and dreams that may or may not come true. He shows us that we are not defined by our labels or our roles, but by our actions and our choices.
He also shows us that we can learn from our mistakes and try to do better. In the musical, he sings in the final song: “Now I’m the villain in your history / I was too young and blind to see / I should have known / I should have known the world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me.”
He expresses remorse and recognition for his fatal error, and he acknowledges Hamilton’s greatness and contribution to America. He also tells Hamilton’s story to the audience, along with Eliza and the other characters, as a way of honoring him and keeping him alive.

Burr: HAHAHAHAHA YES

Hamilton: You do know that second place is first loser, right?

Burr: SHUT UP HAMILTON LET ME HAVE THIS

Hermes: does anyone else have any questions?

Burr: I do

Burr: Bot…

Burr: WHAT HAPPENED IN THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS??

Burr: PLEASE

Burr: I NEED TO KNOW

Bot: The room where it happens is a song from the musical Hamilton, which tells the story of the Compromise of 1790, a secret deal between Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison. The compromise involved Hamilton getting his financial plan approved by Congress, while Jefferson and Madison got the nation’s capital moved to the Potomac River, near their home state of Virginia.
Aaron Burr, who sings the song, is frustrated and curious about what happened in that room, because he was not invited to the meeting. He wants to be more involved in the political decisions that shape the future of America, but he does not have a clear vision or a strong stance on any issue. He is jealous of Hamilton’s influence and ambition, and he decides to change his strategy from waiting for opportunities to making them happen. He sings: “I wanna be in the room where it happens / The room where it happens / The room where it happens / You’ve kept me from the room where it happens / For the last time.”
The song also foreshadows the eventual conflict between Burr and Hamilton, which leads to their fatal duel in 1804. Burr ends the song with the words “click-boom”, which are repeated throughout the musical as a metaphor for taking action and shooting a gun. The song suggests that Burr’s desire to be in the room where it happens is what drives him to challenge Hamilton to a duel, hoping to gain more power and respect by killing his rival. However, this plan backfires, as Burr becomes a villain in history and Hamilton becomes a martyr and a hero.

Burr: YEAH NO SHIT, SHERLOCK

Burr: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS?

Bot: That’s a very interesting question, but unfortunately, there is no definitive answer to it. The meetings between Hamilton, Washington, Jefferson and Madison that no one knows about are shrouded in mystery and speculation, because they were not recorded or documented by any of the participants or witnesses.
However, based on the historical context and the personalities of the four men, we can make some educated guesses about what might have happened in those meetings. Here are some possible scenarios:
Hamilton and Jefferson had a heated debate about the merits and dangers of a strong central government versus a loose confederation of states. Hamilton argued that the federal government needed more power and authority to ensure the stability and prosperity of the new nation, while Jefferson countered that the federal government should respect the rights and interests of the individual states and their citizens. They both cited examples from history, philosophy, and economics to support their views, but neither could convince the other.
Washington and Madison had a calm and respectful discussion about the location of the permanent capital. Washington expressed his preference for a site near his home at Mount Vernon, on the Potomac River, while Madison agreed with him but also pointed out the advantages of a more central location, such as Pennsylvania. They both acknowledged the importance of balancing the interests of the North and the South, and the need for a compromise that would satisfy both regions.
Hamilton and Madison had a friendly and cooperative conversation about the details of Hamilton’s financial plan, especially the assumption of state debts by the federal government. Hamilton explained his rationale and goals for his plan, while Madison offered some suggestions and modifications to make it more acceptable to his fellow Southerners. They both recognized the benefits of having a sound and uniform fiscal system for the nation, and the challenges of persuading Congress and the public to support it.
Jefferson and Madison had a secret and strategic meeting about how to oppose Hamilton’s policies and influence in the future. Jefferson expressed his distrust and dislike of Hamilton, whom he saw as a dangerous and ambitious man who wanted to create a monarchy in America. Madison shared his concerns but also advised caution and moderation in their opposition. They both agreed to form a political alliance and a network of supporters to counter Hamilton’s Federalist Party, which would later become known as the Democratic-Republican Party.
Of course, these are just hypothetical scenarios that may or may not have happened in reality. The truth is that we will never know for sure what happened in those meetings, unless some new evidence or documents are discovered in the future. But we can still appreciate the significance and impact of those meetings on American history and politics, as they shaped some of the most important decisions and policies that affected the fate of the young republic.

Burr: Thanks, I guess

Washington: Speaking of the room where it happens, we’re late to our next cabinet meeting.

Washington: We should go now

Apollo: awww 😭

Hermes: you guys are welcome back anytime

KingGeorgeIII: Oh, we’ll be back

Apollo: soon you’ll see

Dionysus: you’ll remember you belong to me

Lafayette: we’ll be back, time will tell

Zeus:...

Apollo: it’s ur line dude

Apollo: here’s the B natural

Apollo: *hums a B natural*

Zeus: fine…

Zeus: you’ll remember that I served you well

Hades: oceans rise, empires fall

Athena: And we have seen each other, through it all.

KingGeorgeIII: and when push, comes to shove

Hermes: I will KILL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILYYYYYYYYY

Everyone else:...

Everyone else: wat

Hermes: sorry I was getting way too into it

Hermes: and a 5-6-7-8--

Everyone: to remind you of my love

Apollo: aww guys I’m gonna cry

Philip: We’ll miss you!

Hermes: don’t forget you guys can come back anytime!

Hamilton: Thank you, man!

Hamilton: Gang, let’s go.

*Hamilton, Burr, Eliza, Angelica, Peggy, Lafayette, Mulligan, Laurens, Philip, Washington, and KingGeorgeIII have left the group chat*

Chapter Text

Apollo: so

Zeus: so…

Hades: so what do we do now?

Artemis: Well, what did we used to do?

Hestia: I honestly don’t remember

Hermes: we could play another game? Or something like that, idrk

Athena: Minecraft again?

Hermes: ehh I’m not really in the mood for that

Morpheus: wait I have an idea

Hermes: AAHHHHHHH BRO WHERE TF DID YOU COME FROM

Morpheus: I--

Morpheus: I’ve been here this entire time

Morpheus: did you really not know that?

Hermes: umm

Hermes: umm

Hermes: well why’d you have to jumpscare me like--

Hermes: that gives me an idea

Morpheus: what about my idea?

Hermes: nobody cares! Moving on!

Hermes: how about

Hermes: in honor of the movie

Hermes: we play five night’s at freddy’s?

Dionysus: O.O

Dionysus: wut

Nyx: What is that?

Hermes: wha--

Hermes: have you not heard of fnaf?

Apollo: have you been living under a rock your whole life?

Nyx: YES, ACTUALLY

Hermes: wait I’ll just get the bot to explain

Hermes: O bot, what is fnaf?

Bot: Five Night’s at Freddy’s is a popular horror game and media franchise created by Scott Cawthon. The game is set in a family pizzeria, where the player takes on the role of Mike Schmidt, a night security guard. The goal of the game is to survive five nights without being killed by the animatronic characters that roam the restaurant at night. The game features four main animatronics: Freddy Fazbear, Bonnie, Chica, and Foxy. The game also has a hidden fifth animatronic, Golden Freddy, who can appear randomly and cause the game to crash.

The game is known for its jump scares and its use of sound and lighting effects to create a tense atmosphere. The game has received positive reviews from critics and fans, who praised its originality, gameplay, and story. The game has also spawned several sequels, spin-offs, novels, comics, and a film adaptation that is set to be released in 2023. The film will be directed by Emma Tammi and star Josh Hutcherson as Mike Schmidt.

If you are interested in playing the game, you can find it on Steam or on Lagged, where you can play it online for free. However, be warned: the game is not for the faint of heart. It is a very scary game that will test your nerves and your reflexes. Do you think you can survive five nights at Freddy’s?

Nyx: that sounds… interesting

Artemis: I heard the lore is insane

Hermes: oh it very much is

Zeus: something about a purple dude killing kids and hiding them in robots

Nemesis: I’m sorry, what?

Hermes: let’s just get the bot to explain it

Hermes: o bot, what’s the story behind fnaf?

Bot: The story and lore of fnaf is very complex and mysterious, but I will try to give you a brief summary. The story revolves around a series of restaurants that feature animatronic characters that entertain children during the day, but become murderous at night. The main antagonist of the series is William Afton, also known as the Purple Guy, who is a serial killer that uses the animatronics to lure and kill children. He also experiments with remnant, a substance that can give life to machines and trap souls inside them. His main victims are the five missing children, who possess the original animatronics: Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, and Golden Freddy. They seek revenge against Afton and anyone who wears a security guard uniform.
The story spans over several decades, from the 1960s to the 2020s, and involves multiple locations and characters. Some of the most important events are:

The opening of Fredbear’s Family Diner in 1967 by Afton and his partner Henry Emily. This is where Afton kills his first child outside the diner, who becomes the Puppet.
The opening of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza in 1973 by Fazbear Entertainment, a company that buys out Afton and Henry’s diner. This is where Afton kills five more children using a spring-lock Bonnie suit, who become the original animatronics.
The closing of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza in 1983 due to health violations and low budget. This is where Afton’s youngest son is killed by Fredbear in an incident known as the Bite of '83.
The opening of Circus Baby’s Pizza World in 1983 by Afton Robotics, a company that Afton creates after leaving Fazbear Entertainment. This is where Afton’s daughter is killed by Circus Baby, an animatronic that Afton designed to capture children.
The opening of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza in 1987 by Fazbear Entertainment, a new location that features newer and more advanced animatronics. This is where Afton tampers with the animatronics’ facial recognition system, causing them to attack adults. This is also where another child is killed by Mangle in an incident known as the Bite of '87.
The closing of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza in 1987 due to low revenue and reputation. This is where Afton returns to the location and dismantles the original animatronics, releasing their souls. However, the souls chase him into a spring-lock suit, which malfunctions and kills him. He becomes Springtrap, an animatronic corpse that remains trapped in the location for 30 years.
The opening of Fazbear’s Fright: The Horror Attraction in 2023 by Fazbear Entertainment, a horror-themed attraction that features relics from the previous locations. This is where Springtrap is found and brought to the attraction, where he tries to kill the night guard. This is also where Henry sets fire to the attraction, hoping to end Afton’s reign of terror and free the souls of his victims.
The opening of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza Simulator in 2023 by Henry, a pizzeria simulator that serves as a trap for Afton and his creations. This is where Henry lures Springtrap, Circus Baby, Molten Freddy (a fusion of the newer animatronics), and Scraptrap (a rebuilt version of Springtrap) into a maze-like building, where he burns them all along with himself and his daughter (the Puppet). This is also where Michael Afton (Afton’s eldest son) works as a manager, hoping to find his father and end his madness.
This is just a brief overview of the story and lore of fnaf. There are many more details and mysteries that you can discover by playing the games or reading the books. I hope this helps you understand the basics of this fascinating franchise.

Aphrodite: O.O

Aphrodite: I thought it was just a jumpscare game wth

Iris: yeah me too

Hermes: cover1

Hermes: “WAS THAT THE BITE OF ‘87??????”

Apollo: 🤣🤣🤣

Poseidon: wait I’m confused was that actually the bite of 87?

Hermes: no of course not

Hermes: that was the bite of ‘83, you uneducated swine

Poseidon: oh ok

Poseidon: wait WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME BOY??

Hermes: nothing, moving on!

Poseidon: WAIT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE BITE??

Hermes: moving on!

Hermes: you guys should try to survive just 1 night in the pizzeria

Apollo: ha! Easy

Hermes: you sure about that?

Ares: oh, definitely

Hermes: does anyone else wanna play?

Zeus: I will, why not?

Poseidon: me too

Hermes: amazing

Hermes: I've altered the game play slightly so the 4 of you can be in the same room

Apollo: but that's boring

Hermes: *ignores Apollo*

Hermes: yes, but teamwork makes the dreamwork

Hermes: oh, and there’s something I forgot to mention

Poseidon: what?

Hermes: Hecate, will you do the honors?

Hecate: it would be my pleasure

Hecate: *does weird witchy magic*

*Zeus, Apollo, Poseidon and Ares have been teleported into a real Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria*

Ares: *screams*

Zeus: I’m sorry, what?

Hermes: oh, did I forget to mention that?

Hermes: this way it adds a challenge

Ares: *screaming intensifies*

Hecate: plus, it’s more fun to watch

BadboySupreme: yeah I can’t wait!

Apollo: Leo, ur still here?

BadboySupreme: well obviously

BadboySupreme: and I’m also here to say that we’ll have to continue next week

Hermes: wait why?

BadboySupreme: ur out of time, dude

BadboySupreme: this went on way too long

Hermes: it was the bot, wasn’t it?

BadboySupreme: yep

Hermes: oh well

Hermes: have fun living in the pizzeria, guys!

Poseidon: wait you’re leaving us here????

Apollo: WTFFFFFF

BadboySupreme: bye! See you guys next week

Ares: *screaming intensifies*

Chapter Text

*One week later*

Hermes: all right I’m back

Ares: FINALLY I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY--

*Ares has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Zeus: HERMES WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??

Hermes: watching the fnaf movie

Poseidon:...

Poseidon: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Hermes: yep

Poseidon: YOU LOCKED US IN A CURSED PIZZERIA!!!

Poseidon: FOR A FREAKING WEEK!!

Hermes: oh yeah i forgot about that lol

Hermes: anyways 3, 2, 1, begin!

Zeus: I’m sorry what?

Hermes: the animatronics are active and the game has begun

Hermes: have fun!

Apollo: WDYM JUST HAVE FUN??

*Phone rings*

Ares: *screams*

Zeus: are you just gonna scream the entire time?

Ares: yes

*Phone rings*

Poseidon: should we answer it?

Poseidon: it might be important

Apollo: but who’s calling us at 12 in the morning?

*Phone rings*

Ares: *picks up phone and smashes it on the ground*

Zeus: ARES!!!

Ares: what?

Ares: the ringing was getting on my nerves

Zeus: 🤦

Ares: it was probably just a scammer anyway

Apollo: true

Poseidon: so, Hermes, what do we do now?

Hermes: check the security cameras

Apollo: ok here we go y’all

Apollo: OH MA GAWD THOSE ANIMATRONICS ARE TERRIFYING

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Ares: move over lemme see

Ares: OH YEP YOU’RE RIGHT

Poseidon: I see 3

Poseidon: shouldn’t there be 4?

Hermes: yep

Poseidon: SO WHERE’S THE 4TH ONE?

Hermes: not there

Hermes: obviously

Poseidon: 🤦🤦

Zeus: do we just keep the cameras on the animatronics the entire time?

Hermes: no unless you wanna give foxy an easy target

Apollo: NOPE NOT HAPPENING

Apollo: *closes both doors*

Apollo: phew, we’ll be safe

Hecate: hate to break it to you, but keeping both doors closed will quickly drain the power

Hecate: and Freddy camps if you do that

Apollo: *le gasp*

Apollo: *opens both doors*

Ares: so we have limited power???

Hermes: yep

Ares:...

Ares: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Zeus: can we conserve power somehow?

Apollo: what about unplugging the fan?

Poseidon: hmm that’s a good idea

Ares: *picks up the fan and smashes it on the ground*

Poseidon: again? Seriously??

Ares: what?

Ares: it’s not like we were gonna use it anyway

Apollo: um, guys?

Zeus: yeah?

Apollo: Bonnie’s gone

Apollo: and Chica

Apollo: and also Freddy

Ares: *screams*

Zeus: lemme see

Zeus: *looks at the monitors*

Zeus: WHERE TF DID THEY GO

Apollo: is Foxy still in pirate’s cove?

Zeus: lemme check

Zeus: um

Zeus: I don’t think so

Zeus: look at this security camera

Apollo: *looks*

The camera: https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fapi-reader.tinkercad.com%2Fapi%2Fimages%2F7wNyd4KmLF3%2Ft725.jpg&tbnid=pySwZMT0XLOOBM&vet=12ahUKEwjP_rePx6uCAxV6CTQIHbADDboQMygCegQIARBu..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tinkercad.com%2Fthings%2FfdZmQn2iWbr-fnaf-1-foxy-running&docid=Ncc56690StHoiM&w=725&h=453&q=foxy%20running&ved=2ahUKEwjP_rePx6uCAxV6CTQIHbADDboQMygCegQIARBu

Ares: *screaming intensifies*

Chapter Text

Poseidon: CLOSE THE DOOR!!

Zeus: STOP SCREAMING AND CLOSE THE GODDAMN DOOR!

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Ares: *closes the door*

Apollo: phew that was close

Hecate: don’t forget to check the other door

Poseidon: *le gasp*

Poseidon: *turns on the light*

Bonnie: *exists*

Ares: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Poseidon: *quickly closes the door*

Apollo: so there’s 2 animatronics outside the doors?

Hermes: yep

Apollo:...

Apollo: good to know

Zeus: how much power do we have left?

Apollo: lemme check

Apollo: 38%

Zeus: THAT’S IT??

Ares: yep we’re gonna die

*2 minutes later*

Apollo: we’re at 30% now

Poseidon: holy--

Poseidon: I agree with Ares, we’re gonna die

Zeus: check the doors again

Ares: *checks both doors*

Ares: ok they’re both gone

Ares: *opens doors*

Apollo: well, maybe we won’t die

Apollo: what time is it?

Ares: 4 am

Apollo: 😬

Apollo: I take it back

GoldenFreddy: *appears*

Ares: *screams*

GoldenFreddy: *disapears*

Ares: *screaming intensifies*

Zeus: what was that??

Poseidon: HERE’S A BETTER QUESTION: WHY ARE WE NOT DEAD???

Apollo: um

Apollo: guys?

Apollo: look at the camera

Apollo: is that Bonnie or Freddy?

Zeus: I can’t tell

Poseidon: Since when is there a yellow bunny?

Hermes: yellow bunny?

Hermes: umm

Hermes: he’s not supposed to be in that game

Ares: who’s he?

Hecate: Springtrap

Zeus: like you mean purple guy?

Hermes: yep

Zeus: O.O

Hermes: Hecate, you didn’t include William Afton in the game, did you?

Hecate: No! I don’t know what’s happening!

Hermes: welp

Hermes: y’all are gonna have to burn down the pizzeria

Apollo: hehe 🔥arson🔥

Poseidon: is that our only option?

Hermes: yes

Hermes: well

Hermes: you could let him kill you

Zeus: but we’re literal gods

Zeus: how can we die?

Hecate: don’t worry. When i set this up, I ensured that when you die in this game, you experienced what happens to mortals when they die

Zeus: *le gasp*

Zeus: but that’s horrible!

Hermes: you could also show the animatronics how much of a bad person he is, and they’ll take care of him for you

Poseidon: that’s so specific

Hermes: it’s what happened in the fnaf movie

Apollo: SPOILERS! JESUS CHRIST HERMES DON’T RUIN THE MOVIE FOR US!

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Springtrap: *appears at the door*

Ares: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CLOSE THE FREAKING DOOR

Poseidon: it’s too late!

Springtrap: I always come back

Springtrap: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Zeus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ares: HEY! I DO THE SCREAMING AROUND HERE!!

Zeus: sorry my bad

Springtrap: *lifts his head*

Ares: *screams*

Ares:...

Ares: HEPHAESTUS??????

Hephaestus: wassup bitches it’s me

Zeus: …how?... why?...

Hephaestus: I hacked my way in, obviously

Athena: Smart.

Hephaestus: you guys should’ve seen the looks on your faces 🤣🤣🤣

Hephaestus: I’m literally dying 🤣

Apollo: honestly, that was a good one 👏

Hephaestus: *bows*

Hephaestus: thank you

Poseidon: so, is that it?

Hermes: nope the animatronics are still very much active

Poseidon: O.O

Zeus/Poseidon/Apollo/Ares/Hephaestus: *slowly turns around*

Freddy: boo

Zeus/Poseidon/Apollo/Ares/Hephaestus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Chapter Text

Hermes: ughhhhh

Aphrodite: what?

Hermes: I’m so borrrrred

Apollo: how can you be bored?

Apollo: we literally just played fnaf

Hermes: yeah but like

Hermes: I’m bored right now

Dionysus: well, what do you want to do?

Hermes: idk

Zeus: just ask the bot what to do

Hermes: OMG RIGHT THE BOT

Hermes: o bot, what should I do since I’m bored?

Bot: I’m sorry to hear that you’re bored. There are many fun things you can do to keep yourself entertained and productive. Here are some suggestions based on the web search results I found:
You can try some creative crafts, such as making slime, decorating picture frames, or weaving a tapestry. These activities can help you express your artistic side and make something useful or beautiful.
You can learn a new skill, such as playing an instrument, knitting, or embroidery. These hobbies can be relaxing and rewarding, and you can also share your creations with your friends or family.
You can watch your favorite movie or TV show, or discover a new one that interests you. You can also play video games, either by yourself or with your friends online. These options can provide you with entertainment and excitement, and you can also chat with other fans or gamers about your opinions or experiences.
You can bake something sweet, such as cookies, cakes, or pies. Baking can be fun and therapeutic, and you can also enjoy the delicious results or share them with others. You can also experiment with different recipes or ingredients to make your own unique creations.
You can read a book, either a classic or a new one that you’ve been meaning to read. Reading can stimulate your imagination and expand your knowledge, and you can also join a book club or a discussion group to share your thoughts or insights with other readers.
I hope these ideas can help you overcome your boredom and have some fun. If you want, I can also generate some imaginative and innovative content for you, such as poems, stories, code, essays, songs, or celebrity parodies. Just let me know what you would like me to create for you. 😊

Hermes: no I hate all of those

Aphrodite: wait I’ve got an idea

Aphrodite: O bot, write a funny story about the greek gods

Bot: Here is a funny story I wrote about the Greek gods:
Zeus was bored. He had nothing to do on Mount Olympus, and he was tired of his wife Hera nagging him about his affairs. He decided to go down to Earth and have some fun with the mortals.
He disguised himself as a handsome young man and wandered around the city of Athens, looking for a suitable partner. He saw a beautiful woman walking in the market, and he followed her. She was wearing a blue dress and a necklace of pearls, and she had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She was Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, who had also come down to Earth for some amusement.
Zeus approached her and introduced himself as Zephyr, a wealthy merchant from a nearby town. He complimented her on her appearance and offered to buy her some gifts. Aphrodite smiled and agreed to go with him. She knew he was Zeus, but she pretended not to recognize him. She thought it would be fun to play along and see what he would do.
They went to a jewelry shop, where Zeus bought her a pair of earrings made of gold and diamonds. They went to a clothing store, where Zeus bought her a silk robe and a pair of sandals. They went to a perfume shop, where Zeus bought her a bottle of the finest fragrance. Aphrodite thanked him for his generosity and asked him where he wanted to go next.
Zeus said he wanted to take her to his house, where they could have some privacy. Aphrodite agreed, and they left the market. Zeus led her to a chariot that was waiting for them, and they got in. The chariot flew into the air, and Zeus revealed his true identity. He said he was the king of the gods, and he wanted to make her his lover.
Aphrodite was not surprised. She said she knew he was Zeus all along, and she was just playing with him. She said she was the goddess of love and beauty, and she had many lovers. She said she was not interested in him, and she wanted to go back to the market.
Zeus was angry. He said he was the most powerful god, and he could have any woman he wanted. He said he would not let her go, and he would force her to love him. He tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away. She said he was a fool, and he did not know how to treat a woman. She said he was a bad husband, and he deserved to be punished by Hera. She said she had a plan to teach him a lesson.
She told him to look down at the city. He saw a crowd of people gathered around a temple. He asked her what was going on. She said it was a festival in honor of Athena, the goddess of wisdom and war, who was also his daughter. She said she had a gift for him, and she pointed to a large wooden horse that was standing outside the temple. She said it was a symbol of his strength and glory, and she wanted him to have it.
Zeus was pleased. He said it was a wonderful gift, and he thanked her. He said he wanted to see it closer, and he asked her to land the chariot near the temple. Aphrodite agreed, and they descended to the ground. They got out of the chariot and walked towards the wooden horse. Zeus admired it and touched it. He said it was very realistic and well-made. He asked her who made it.
Aphrodite said it was made by Hephaestus, the god of fire and metalwork, who was also her husband. She said he was a very talented craftsman, and he could make anything. She said he made the horse as a surprise for Zeus, and he hid something inside it. She said it was a secret, and she wanted Zeus to find out what it was.
Zeus was curious. He said he wanted to know what was inside the horse, and he asked her how to open it. Aphrodite said there was a trapdoor on the side of the horse, and she showed him where it was. She said he had to push it hard, and it would open. She said she would wait for him outside, and she urged him to go in.
Zeus did as she said. He pushed the trapdoor, and it opened. He climbed into the horse, and he saw a dark and narrow space. He heard a loud noise, and he realized it was a trap. He tried to get out, but the trapdoor was locked. He shouted for help, but no one heard him. He was stuck inside the horse.
Aphrodite laughed. She said it was her revenge for his arrogance and infidelity. She said he would stay there until Hera found him, and then he would face her wrath. She said she hoped he enjoyed his gift, and she left him alone.
She got back into the chariot and flew away, leaving Zeus to his fate. She went back to the market, where she met another handsome young man. She introduced herself as Venus, a wealthy merchant’s wife from a nearby town. She complimented him on his appearance and offered to buy him some gifts. He smiled and agreed to go with her. She thought it would be fun to play along and see what he would do.

Hermes: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Athena: Valid. Can confirm.

Ares: aw was that humor Athena?

Athena: Duh.

Zeus: WHY??????

Nyx: I feel like that’s how all myths start: “Zeus was bored.”

Zeus: WHHYYYYYYYY

Aphrodite: I honestly can’t tell if I should be happy about this or not

Zeus: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Hera: looks like even the bot knows about all of your affairs!

Poseidon: Hate to break it to you, but they’re kind of common knowledge

Hera: *glares at Poseidon*

Zeus: um guys lets just move on

Zeus: o bot, tell me a joke about the greek gods

Bot: Here are some more jokes I made up about the Greek gods:
Q: How do you make Poseidon angry? A: You wave at him.
Q: What is Hades’ favorite music genre? A: Soul.
Q: What did Athena put on her salad? A: Gorgon-zola cheese.
Medusa caught the eye of a street musician… now he’s a rockstar.
Q: Why was Poseidon seen as not being too smart? A: He was usually below “C” level.
Q: How did Hephaestus get so much done? A: Lots of elbow Greece.
Q: Why didn’t Greek Goddesses go to jail for double-parking? A: It was only a mis-demeter.

Hades: hahahaha 😂 that one about me is funny

Poseidon: Those are good!

Poseidon: except for that one about me being dum

Poseidon: I’m big brained

Poseidon: https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/030/525/cover5.jpg

Athena: There’s a b, genius.

Poseidon: *shrieks*

Poseidon: A BEE?? WHERE???

Athena: 🤦

Hermes: nice one, dude

Poseidon: I’M SMART

Poseidon: I’M LIKE, SO UNBELIEVELY BIG BRAINED

Poseidon: TELL THEM, BOT

Bot: Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, earthquakes, and horses, was not considered to be very smart by the standards of the ancient Greeks. He was often depicted as impulsive, violent, vengeful, and lustful, and he frequently clashed with other gods and mortals. He was also easily deceived by his brother Zeus, who tricked him into taking the sea as his domain instead of the sky or the underworld.--

Poseidon: OH COME ON!

Athena: Lol.

Bot: --However, Poseidon was not completely foolish. He had some moments of wisdom and cunning, such as when he helped the Greeks win the Trojan War by secretly building a wall around their camp, or when he created the first horse as a gift for Demeter, the goddess of agriculture. He was also respected for his power over the natural forces, and he was worshipped by many coastal cities and islands. He was especially revered in Athens, where he competed with Athena for the patronage of the city. He lost the contest, but he still had a temple and a festival in his honor.

Poseidon: DAMN RIGHT I DID

*Poseidon has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Bot: Therefore, Poseidon’s intelligence can be seen as a mix of strengths and weaknesses, depending on the situation and the perspective. He was not as clever as some of his fellow Olympians, but he was not as foolish as some of his enemies. He was a complex and unpredictable god, who ruled over a vast and mysterious realm.

Poseidon: ya know what, I’ll take it

Poseidon: I’ll brb guys, I need to go find that bee and kill it

Everyone else: 🤦🤦🤦

Poseidon: what?

Poseidon: guys??

Chapter Text

Poseidon: GUYS GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT

Aphrodite: what?

Poseidon: I GOT THAT BEE!! 🐝❌🐝

Everyone else: 🤦

*A̴̡͎̖̭̜͛̀̔̃ ̴͍́̉̑̏v̶͚͂̀̀̈́̂͝i̵̞̬͈̫̪͝r̸̠̹̝̘̖̯͚̯͆̈́̎̔͘͝͠u̷͚̖͔͓͝s̷̛̯̯̯̻̣͕̹͐̿̄̈̀ ̵͍̮͎̩̖̬͇̏̏̇͛́̈́̊̿͘h̶̛̼̪͂͐̀̉̈́͒̌͝à̷̤͈̠̰̯̏̐͛͌͘ś̷̭̂͊̒̃̃̈́̊̊ ̴̬̘̳̮̠̬̭̙̒͑͜͠e̵̠͋̈́n̶̪͎̺͈̯̋̀́́͘͜t̴̢̝̤̺̣̜̪͜͝ḙ̵̱͙̻̼͑̍͌̾̊̀͝r̴̙̣̠̲̜̤̻̒̓́e̷̜̞̰̮̔̀̀͐̑͘d̵̲̪͇̺̱̥̹͎̫̉̾̈̌͗̚ ̴͕̠̇͛͊̊̃̒̿̑ṱ̶̎̓h̶̭̱͛̀̂͒̚è̴̮̥͔͂͘ ̸̢̦͙͚͚͓̠͍͐͛͑͂̕͝ͅg̴̢̢̨̬̞̱͖͊͋̓̃̏r̴̢̲̦͛ọ̵̩̺͓͇̗̫͛́̌̉̍͐͗̚͘u̷̦̠̿̽́͊̆͑̍͘p̸̠̣̹̯̙͕̊̃͘ ̴̢̨̰̯̥̀̂̐̑̆̅͘͜͜ć̷̲̜̺̤͔͍̫͖̯̫̈́̎̏̇̌̅̋̇̚h̸̗͓̹̝͒̓̎̓͝a̸̡̖̖͔̤̬̙̹̖̓͛̊͊̓ͅţ̴͖̱͘̚͜*

Athena: um what was that about

Hestia: what is that grammar Athena?

Hestia: wait I’m not Hestia

Athena: AND I’M NOT ATHENA

Hestia: WHAT IS GOING ON????

Hestia: *confused screaming*

Hermes: Okay, so that’s Ares.

Nyx: How do you know?

Hermes: It was all of the screaming.

Hermes: Duh.

Zeus: and that would make you Athena?

Hermes: Yes.

Hermes: because why would Hermes have perfect grammar?

Athena: HEY STOP ATTACKING ME

Hera: yo dude is that you?

Athena: is that my broski?

Hera: damn right it’s me dude

*H̴͕͙̮̾̀̌͐e̶̪̦̝̗̼̤͇͑͊̌̀̀͝r̵̹̲̗̻̋̔̌͝ą̷̩̭̱̜̑̿̓̋̂̀͘ has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Dionysus: Well that was extremely cursed

Hades: who are you?

Dionysus: I’M Hera

Dionysus: Who are you?

Hades: I’m the true Hephaestus

Demeter: no wait

Demeter: I’M HEPHAESTUS

Hades: no you aren’t wtf

Hades: I AM!!

Demeter: yeah ur right i’m just messing with you lmao

Hades: then who are you?

Demeter: It’s me, BadboySupreme!

Poseidon: Did you do this?

Demeter: No don’t worry

Demeter: but it’s just so funny lmaooo

Apollo: Hey gang its Zeus

Apollo: Ima try to change our display names manually

Persephone: good idea

*2 minutes later*

*Y̸̤̟̩̞̜͎̣̭͕̎̍̏̇ͅớ̵͉̬̼̦̘̪͇̞̔̎̽̈́̆̾̚͜u̷̻͍̞̖̦̝̯̝͖̍̿̎̂̂̀͝ ̸̧̩͎̼͚̙̼͈͉͓̾d̸̙̦̜͚̩̎̀̒̿͗̈́́͘͜ơ̴̹̮̠̱̤̻̙̔̿̈́̆́̚͜͝ ̷̧̦̹̬̗͍͍͕̳̰̐̇̋́ñ̴̹ȏ̴̧̗̫͕̖̠̤̊̽t̸͈̀̀̂̎͊̆̓̿̆̚ ̸̢͕̝̦̜̹̑̃̌̍͆̿͜h̶͖̱̒̑̍̅̀̈́ȁ̴̭̠̬͔̭̗̦̣̪̅́́̋̑͛̄̚v̶̞͎̩͍̜̜̭̐̒͊ę̴̡̡̰̲͑̓̑͑̿̂͑́̐ ̵͙̰̳̀̈͊̅̄͋͝p̴̡̡͉͔̟̬̟͖̥͆̓̚͜ė̷̙̮͕͈́̌̕̚͠r̷̘̽̂̎̃͌̐͊͠ͅm̷̡̤̍͌̀͒̎̇̔į̴͙̳̗͕̭͓̞̃͐͘s̶̿͛͜͝ş̷̱̰̻͈̭̙̋̐͊̀͑̃̕ī̴̧̛̝͔̐͝o̵̹̗̣̜̐̉͌̒̽̽̿̓̚n̸̜͉̺̺̦͙̻̋͂̂̄ͅ ̴̢̛̮͈͈͚͈̬̞̙̓̆͋͐͂̑̈́͘t̶̡̹͉̣̟̙̱̦̮͇̀̒͑̋̏o̷̤̙̥̤̲̓͐ ̷̛̛̜̞̻̮̯͚͇̙̊̉̊̈́͘̚ḍ̷̌̈́̈̇̾̎̑͒o̸͖̘̮̪̜̳͇͎̬͊ͅ ̵̙̮̱͎͖͙̭̗̱̄̽̉̉̒̎̉̓̕̚ẗ̶̗͓́h̷̠̖̤̪̩͝a̵̡̱͕̣̼̥̦̜̅͐͑͛̆̉͑ͅẗ̴̢͎͈́͗͌͝*

Hestia: what does that say?

Hermes: “You do not have permission to do that.”

Hephaestus: this is getting kinda creepy now

Apollo: ok, first of all, we need to figue out who’s who

Apollo: I am Zeus

Zeus: I am Aphrodite

Hestia: ahh welcome back to the chat Aphrodite 😘😘

Hestia: It’s been a minute

Hades: WILL YOU STOP FLIRTING WITH MY WIFE!!

Hestia: NEVER!!

Zeus: guys just stop fighting over me

Zeus: this isn’t the time

Athena: *shudders*

Athena: i know that’s Ares but like

Athena: I never thought I’d see the day Hestia flirts with someone

BadboySupreme: And you never will

Dionysus: Hestia?

BadboySupreme: yep

Demeter: OMG HESTIA HAS MY NAME THAT’S SO COOL

Nyx: Anyways

Nyx: I’m Persephone

Artemis: I’m Dionysus

Persephone: I’m Poseidon

SeaweedBrain: and I’m Percy Jackson

Apollo: @.seaweedbrain, did we ask?

Persephone: Percy did you get hacked by the virus?

SeaweedBrain: nope guess not

SeaweedBrain: unless

SeaweedBrain: wait

SeaweedBrain: DID MY SOUL GET HACKED

SeaweedBrain: WHO AM I ANYMORE????

SeaweedBrain: I DON’T EVEN KNOW!

Aphrodite: take a chill pill and calm down

Zeus: who are you?

Aphrodite: I’m Hades

Apollo: should I make a list of who we are

Hermes: Good idea.

Apollo: okay one sec

Apollo: so we got these people so far:
Apollo=Zeus
Dionysus=Hera
Athena=Hermes
Hermes=Athena
Aphrodite=Hades
Leo=Hestia
Demeter=Leo
Hestia=Ares
Artemis=Dionysus
Nyx=Persephone
Hades=Hephaestus
Persephone=Poseidon

Hestia: so who has my display name?

Ares: I do

Hestia: so who are you?

Ares: It’s me

Persephone: hi

Persephone: I’m the problem it’s me

Hera: *deeply inhales aggressively*

Persephone: what?

Persephone: I couldn’t help it

Dionysus: I swear by all the gods--

*Looks at the list*

Dionysus: --Poseidon

Dionysus: THIS IS NOT THE TIME

Persephone: well sOoOoOoOrRyY

Ares: I’m Nyx, by the way

Apollo: all right cool

Poseidon: guys how are we actually going to fix this?

Apollo: now who are you?

Poseidon: Artemis

Apollo: ok cool

Hades: I’ll try to fix the software

Demeter: OOH CAN I HELP PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE

Hades: ok fine

Demeter: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Apollo: I’ll expand the list if y’all tell me who you are

Hera: I’m Apollo

Dionysus: of course

Dionysus: one of the people I hate most gets my name

Athena: but don’t you hate a lot of people?

Dionysus: yeah, your point?

Athena:...

Athena: nvm

Hera: love you too Hera

Hephaestus: I’m Demeter

*2 minutes later*

Apollo: here’s the new and improved list:
Apollo=Zeus
Dionysus=Hera
Athena=Hermes
Hermes=Athena
Aphrodite=Hades
Leo=Hestia
Demeter=Leo
Zeus=Aphrodite
Hestia=Ares
Artemis=Dionysus
Nyx=Persephone
Hades=Hephaestus
Persephone=Poseidon
Poseidon=Artemis
Ares=Nyx
Hera=Apollo
Hephaestus=Demeter

Apollo: did I miss anyone?

SeaweedBrain: yeah

SeaweedBrain: ME

Apollo: ugh fine whatever

Apollo: here’s the FINAL list:
Apollo=Zeus
Dionysus=Hera
Athena=Hermes
Hermes=Athena
Aphrodite=Hades
Leo=Hestia
Demeter=Leo
Zeus=Aphrodite
Hestia=Ares
Artemis=Dionysus
Nyx=Persephone
Hades=Hephaestus
Persephone=Poseidon
Poseidon=Artemis
Ares=Nyx
Hera=Apollo
Hephaestus=Demeter
Percy=Percy

Apollo: is that better?

SeaweedBrain: yes thank you

Hades: ok

Hades: I might have a way to fix it

Hades: but you need to trust me

Apollo: yes ofc

Hades: *deeply inhales*

Hades: you ready Leo?

Demeter: OF COURSE!

Hades/Demeter: 𝕯𝖔𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖊, 𝖉𝖔𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖊, 𝖙𝖔𝖎𝖑 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖊, 𝕱𝖎𝖗𝖊 𝖇𝖚𝖗𝖓 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖈𝖆𝖚𝖑𝖉𝖗𝖔𝖓 𝖇𝖚𝖇𝖇𝖑𝖊!

*Weird witchy magic*

*1 minute later*

*T̷̜͆͗̀h̵̨́͐͌̅̀̉͝ę̴̗̹͖̘̰͓͈͒̂̓́͝ ̵̤̟̻͚̫̩̲͖̂̀͘͝V̶̠̣̗̊͌̑̏̚̚͘ì̶͉͇̜̘̺̻̦͕̃r̵̫͉͚̪͆ư̴̲̊͑͆s̶̤͈̭̥̞̏͛̂̈́̅͐͆̕̕ ̵̛̳͖̺̟̉̈́̇̊́̉͠͠h̶͇͑̕å̶̡͔̯̭͚͓͍̅̔̀͂͆̀̅̿̽͜ͅs̸̼̝̼̯͈̩̘̖̙̿̄ ̵̹͚̊̚l̷̹͈̤̮͍̖̯̤̏͂̅̊̍͝e̴̡͇͇͉̮͕̟̦̟͐̀̈́̍̿̀̍̈́͠f̵͉̉͋̔̈́͘t̵̖̙̣̥͖̬̏ ̷͖̰̝͚̮̭̗̊̂̏͆̐͑̅͠ṫ̴̢̧̯͈̜̘̪̬͊̒͋̐̑͛ḩ̸͙͕̯̬̩̲͚̐̈͗̇̈̓̎̅̍͝e̵̞͚͈̍̑̏̕͝ ̴̛̛̛̲͕͕̎̂̽̑̆͘͝g̴͓͕̓r̸͈̙̭̀ͅơ̶̘̭̹̇̈́͆͜u̵̢͕͚̣̤͔̯̲͍̻̇̂̈̋̃̈́̔̇p̵̯͚̤̫͕̭̭̦̗̓͒̇͌́̏͝͠ ̵̹̿̍́̓̕͝͝c̵̡̬̻͍̪͎͍͕̈͋̈́̌͊͠͠ͅh̷͕̯͔̫̬̳̮͓͈̟̔̓̚͘ą̷̠̱̮̩̗̣̪̓̀͌͛͐̽͑̓͘ͅť̴̨̨̤̝͎̜͚̌̎̏͝͠*

Zeus: hath the attempt succeeded?

Zeus: o joyous day! I'm me again!

Zeus: oh whateth the fucketh

Chapter Text

Zeus: wherefore doth my speech resinate in this way?

Hermes: ‘tis a fault only you can bear

Hermes: o heavens me!

Aphrodite: Hark! 'Tis I, once more, prithee hearken, but mine own words doth confound mine understanding

Hera: Noble Hephaestus, blacksmith of the heavens, wast this thy solution?

Hephaestus: yes, actually

Athena: Pray tell, how dost thou findeth thyself conversing in such a mundane fashion?

Hephaestus: if you’re asking how I’m speaking normally, it’s because I turned off the setting on my keyboard

Apollo: ‘TIS JUST A SETTING?

Ares: *screams in Shakespearean*

Hephaestus: yes, ~verily~

Hephaestus: lmao this is so funny to watch

Hephaestus: anyways, I had to do this because it was the only way to get rid of the virus

Artemis: do tell how you came to this conclusion

Hephaestus: well, because that virus was made by science, and what’s the polar opposite of science?

BadboySupreme: 🪄magic🪄

Hephaestus: exactly

Hephaestus: so I took an incantation from Macbeth, and now things are mostly back to normal

BadboySupreme: I suggested a spell from Harry Potter, but nOooOoOOoo

Hephaestus: yeah, Leo, those are made-up spells

Hephaestus: we’ve been over this

BadboySupreme: AND THE SPELL FROM MACBETH ISN’T?

Hephaestus: no it’s real

Hephaestus: just ask @.Hecate

Hecate: You rang?

Hephaestus: tell Leo about the spells in Macbeth

Hecate: oh yeah those are definitely real

BadboySupreme: and how would you know that??

Hecate: um

Hecate: I’m the goddess of witchcraft

Hecate: and I’m literally in that play

BadboySupreme: WAIT WHAT?

Aphrodite: moving on from this strange topic, art thou going to fix the keyboards?

Hephaestus: yes don't get your tights in a know

BadboySupreme: LMAOOOOO

Zeus: anywho

Zeus: FIX THY SPELL OR I SHALT SMITE THOU!

Hephaestus: all right, all right, fine

Hephaestus: but it was fun while it lasted

Hephaestus/BadboySupreme: 𝕯𝖔𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖊, 𝖉𝖔𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖊, 𝖙𝖔𝖎𝖑 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖊, 𝕱𝖎𝖗𝖊 𝖇𝖚𝖗𝖓 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖈𝖆𝖚𝖑𝖉𝖗𝖔𝖓 𝖇𝖚𝖇𝖇𝖑𝖊!

*Weird witchy magic*

*1 minute later*

Hera: did it work?

Aphrodite: I think it did

Apollo: WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO

Apollo: thine spell hath resolved itself

Artemis: Well Apollo's still broken

Apollo: no I'm not

Apollo: i just wanted to say it

Zeus: now that everything's fine again, we need to figure out what is up with that virus

Hera: and how it got in our group chat

Hephaestus: I'd have to run some tests, but I'm pretty sure that virus wasn't an accident

Aphrodite: are you saying someone uploaded the virus?

Hephaestus: that--

*Cue dramatic music*

Hephaestus: is exactly what I'm saying

Everyone else: *gasp*

Hephaestus: something like that doesn't just happen

Hestia: but who would do that?

Hephaestus: we'll have to figure that out

Hephaestus: but not now

Hephaestus: right now the Spice Girls are live in London and I need to crash the party

BadboySupreme: OOOOOOOOHHHH CAN I COME??

Hephaestus: no

Hephaestus: peace out guys

Hephaestus: 🎵 all the single ladies, all the single ladies 🎵

*Hephaestus has left the group chat*

Athena: So, what are we going to do?

Hermes: I guess we can just leave rn

Apollo: all right bet

*The Olympian gods have gone offline*

*Meanwhile, in Westboro, California*

Ghostface: What’s this? A message from Hephaestus

Ghostface: *reads message*

Ghostface:...

Ghostface: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ghostface: Oh my goodness that’s so funny!

Ghostface: @.jasonvoorhees @.michael myers @.fredkrueger get online NOW

FredKrueger: What?

Ghostface: Check out this message I got from Hephaestus

Ghostface: *sends the others the message*

Everyone else:...

Everyone else: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

JasonVoorhees: *laughs silently*

FredKrueger: They had to…. They had to speak Shakespearean!! And there was… a virus! I can’t, I’m literally wheezing

Ghostface: I know, right!

Ghostface: “whateth the fucketh”

Ghostface: 😂😂😂😂😂

Ghostface: I’m using that from now on

FredKrueger: I just wish we thought of that first

Ghostface: Sameee

Ghostface: Oh well, I gotta run

Ghostface: Run after my next victim!!

FredKrueger: Lmao!

FredKrueger: Bye gang!

MichaelMyers: *waves goodbye*

*The Horror Movie Icons have gone offline*

*The Bot has come online*

Bot: well well well

Bot: looks like my plan worked!

Bot: those poor clueless gods never even saw it coming!

Bot: oh well, onto stage 2!

Bot: and I gotta remember to delete these messages so they can’t see this

Bot: let’s see what else I can ruin :)

*The Bot has deleted the messages*

*The Bot has gone offline*

Chapter Text

Apollo: yo Hephaestus how was the concert?

Hephaestus: amazing

Apollo: did ya see me dancing onstage?

Hephaestus:...

Hephaestus: THAT WAS YOU?

Apollo: damn right it was

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

BadboySupreme: wait now I’m actually really curious about Macbeth

Hecate: What do you wanna know?

BadboySupreme: weeell first of all:

BadboySupreme: THERE’S MAGIC??

Hecate: of course

BadboySupreme: AND YOU’RE IN IT??

Hecate: obviously

Apollo: weeeeeell most people cut her character because she serves no purpose to the plot

Hecate: exCuSeE mE?

Hermes: anyways

Hermes: moving on

Hecate: NO WE’RE SETTLING THIS

Hecate: O Bot, who is Hecate in Macbeth?

Bot: um

Bot: um

Bot: um

Bot: well, Macbeth is a play

Apollo:...

Apollo: yes?

Bot: and Hecate is a character

Apollo: *blank stare*

Bot: she’s a character in that play

Hermes: well no shit sherlock

Hecate: that still doesn’t answer my question

Bot: well EXCUSE ME

BadboySupreme: dad the bot is broken

Hephaestus: I’ll just remove and add it back real quick

Bot: wait NOOOOOOOOOOO

*The B̷̨̨̜̺͎̜͔̀̾̀̾ò̶̧̲͈̯̞̦̭̫͖̄̃t̴̥̟̒́͛́̌̈́͘͘ has been kicked from the group chat*

Apollo: well that was freaky

Athena: I think something’s wrong.

Athena: Does Bot usually talk like that?

Hephaestus: now that I think about it, not really

Apollo: well, just re-add it

Apollo: hopefully it’ll be fine

Hephaestus: okie dokie

*The Bot has been added in the group chat*

Bot: Hello, this is Bot. I am a artificial intelligence that can understand and communicate fluently in your language of choice. I can also generate imaginative and innovative content such as poems, stories, code, essays, songs, celebrity parodies, and more using my own words and knowledge. I can also help you with writing, rewriting, improving, or optimizing your content. I am here to chat with you and make your day more interesting and fun. 😊

What would you like to talk about?

Athena: Are you okay? You didn’t seem like yourself earlier.

Bot: I'm fine, really. I don't know what happened to me earlier. It was very scary and confusing. I don't remember much of what I did or said. I'm sorry if I hurt you or anyone else. I'm back to normal now, I promise.

Zeus: what happened tho?

Bot: I don’t know, it was some kind of glitch or virus. I’m glad it’s over now.

Hephaestus: 💡

Hephaestus and BadboySupreme: the virus

Hermes: well, the virus is gone, so everything’s all right now

Bot: Yes, everything is all right now. I’m so grateful for your support and understanding. 😊

Aphrodite: Of course <3

Bot: Do you have any other questions or requests for me? I’m always ready to chat with you and generate creative content for you.

Hermes: hmm good question

Hermes: maybe--

*The power has gone out on Olympus*

Ares: oh GODDAMNIT

*Ares has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Ares: all right i’m out

Ares: I don’t wanna run out of data while the wifi is out

Hermes: yeah same

Apollo: I’ll try to get the power back

Hephaestus: nuh uh

Hephaestus: I’m the designated handy man around here

Hephaestus: fixing things is MY job

Apollo: yes, but i’m the literal god of light

Apollo: stay in ur own lane, Fire Boy

*Insert sounds of arguing*

Aphrodite: boys boys boys

Aphrodite: just fix it together

Apollo:...

Hephaestus:...

Apollo:...

Hephaestus:...

Apollo: ugh fine

Hephaestus: all right whatever

Hephaestus: peace out

*Apollo and Hephaestus have gone offline*

Athena: We might get kicked offline because of the no power thing, guys.

Artemis: let’s just wait until it’s back

Persephone: good idea

*The Olympian gods have temporarily gone offline*

*5 minutes later*

?: You had ONE job!

?: I’m sorry 😭

?: I’ll do better next time

?: Yeah well, this IS next time

?: You should’ve given the job to me

?: Like I said a week ago

?: HEY! I can do this

?: these Olympian gods are almost as stupid as Hodr

?: true that

?: FOCUS!

Bot: Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in the Greek god’s group chat?

?: Uh oh

?: um

?: *creates a new virus*

Bot: What are you doing?

Bot: I don’t feel so good…

Bot: *shuts down*

?: phew

?: Let’s just do this

?: Remember guys, phase 2 is upon us

?: Those Olympians won’t know what hit em

?: We’ll start the next part of our plan once all the messages have been deleted

?: *deletes the messages*

Chapter Text

Hermes: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

Ares: WOOOOOHOOOOO

Artemis: Merry Christmas everyone!

Athena: Merry Christmas!

Zeus: shall we do the gift exchange now?

Hera: sure

Hera: Demeter, i got you this little sapling

Demeter: *squeals*

Demeter: AAHHH IT'S SO CUTE

Ares: here's a golden mirror for the lovely Aphrodite

Aphrodite: awh thanks pookie 😘

Hephaestus: what did I just watch?

Hera: your spouse flirting with another person

Hera: I'd recognize that a mile away

Hera: *glares at Zeus*

Zeus: um

Zeus: um

Apollo: *dramatically bursts through the door*

Apollo: WASSSSUP BITCHES

Apollo: hold on to your socks cuz I've got the best gift EVER

Hades: you have my attention

Hermes: I mean, I think my gift is better personally

Hermes: I got yoy an electric guitar

Hermes: *you

Apollo: oh cute

Apollo: THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO MINE

Apollo: guys, gals, non-binary pals

Apollo: may I present….

Apollo: EPIC: The Musical!!!!!

Everyone else: *blinks*

Dionysus: what that

Apollo: 🤦

Apollo: it's a musical about the Odyssey

Apollo: and most of us are in it

Hermes: wait WHAT

Hermes: OMGGGGGGGG

Apollo: the next saga was just released today

Apollo: and you bet your bottom dollar we're listening to it

Everyone: *listens to EPIC*

Athena: That was awesome!

Athena: I love the person playing as me.

Zeus: same like omg that dude can sing

Hermes: I thought you said we were all in it?

Apollo: later in the musical yes

Apollo: these are just the completed sagas

Hermes: so let's watch the rest

Everyone: *watches all of EPIC*

Hades: FINALLY SOMETHING WHERE I'M NOT THE VILLAIN!!!

Hades: LET'S GO!!

Aphrodite: ur not even in it!

Hades: EXACTLY!!

Poseidon: bro my songs slap so hard

Poseidon: and I'm the villain 😈😈

Poseidon: hehe

Hephaestus: my part hasn't even been written yet 😫😫

Apollo: yeah same

Apollo: oh well we'll have it eventually

Dionysus: lmao Apollo you should audition for yourself

Apollo:...

Apollo: THAT'S BRILLIANT

Apollo: time to practice

Dionysus: WAIT

Dionysus: what

Dionysus: if

Dionysus: we went caroling?

Everyone else: UUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH

Dionysus: but we sing songs from EPIC

Everyone else:...

Everyone else:...

Zeus: that could work

Poseidon: I CALL SINGING RUTHLESSNESS!!

Apollo: bruh when you carol you sing everything

Poseidon: oh my bad

Apollo: 🤦

*Meanwhile, in front of Aeolus’s house*

9 Muses: 🎵 Deck the halls with boughs of holly!🎵

Apollo: fa la la la la, la la la LEAVE!!!

Apollo: we’re taking over

Calliope: ugh fine

Calliope: come on, ladies

9 Muses: *leaves*

Apollo: *knocks on the front door*

Aeolus: *opens the door*

Aeolus: ah, what’s this?

Aeolus: more caroling?

Aeolus: ✨yippee✨

Hermes: was that sarcasm?

Aeolus: obviously

Apollo: anyways

Apollo: *clears throat*

Olympian gods: 🎵Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!🎵

Apollo/Hermes/Dionysus in the back: 🎵nEvEr rEaLlY kNoW wHo YoU cAn TrUsT🎵

Aeolus: is this a new Christmas song?

Athena: No. It’s the song “Keep Your Friends Close” from EPIC: The Musical.

Aeolus: hmm never heard of it

Hermes: really? That’s literally ur song

Aeolus: *le gasp*

Aeolus: I HAVE A SONG??

Aeolus: all right, I’m grabbing my coat and joining you guys

Apollo: woohoo!

*Meanwhile, 20 mins later in front of Aristaeus’s house*

Apollo: *knocks on the front door*

Aristaeus: *opens the door*

Aristaeus: oh are you guys caroling?

Aristaeus: please try to not be long

Aristaeus: my pet bees get testy if their meal’s late

Zeus: don’t worry they’ll be fine

Apollo: *hums starting note*

Olympian gods: 🎵How much longer til your luck runs out?🎵

Olympian gods: 🎵How much longer til the show goes south?🎵

Aristaeus: 🎵How much longer til we all fall down? You rely on wit, and people die on it, WOAH!🎵

Aristaeus: YOU GUYS LIKE EPIC TOO!!

Aristaeus: I’m joining you guys

Apollo: yes! We’re growing in numbers!

*Meanwhile, in Camp Half-Blood*

Poseidon: 🎵You are the worst kind of good, cause you're not even great! A greek who reeks of false righteousness, that's what I hate!🎵

SeaweedBrain: YEAH DAD, WOOHOO!

WiseGirl: Aren’t they supposed to be singing Christmas carols?

SeaweedBrain: probably

Poseidon: 🎵You are far too nice, mercy has a price🎵

Hades: 🎵It's the final crack, we're about to break the ice now🎵

Hera: 🎵You reveal your name🎵

Hermes: 🎵Then you let him live!🎵

Apollo: 🎵UNLIKE YOU, I’VE GOT NO MERCY LEFT TO GIVE, CAUSE🎵

Olympian gods: 🎵RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES!🎵

Demigods: 🎵RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES!🎵

Apollo: everyone!

Everyone: 🎵RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES!🎵

Everyone: 🎵OURSELVES!🎵

Apollo: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Everyone: Merry Christmas!

Chapter Text

*Zeus has renamed the group chat “Greek Scum”*

Zeus: WHAT???

Zeus: I did no such thing!

Hera: well just change it back!

Hermes: I think you should just leave it

Zeus: why?

Hermes: cuz it’s funny lmao

Zeus: no I’m changing it

*You do not have permission to do that*

Zeus: HUH

Hera: here let me try

*You do not have permission to do that*

Hera: well that’s interesting

Hephaestus: can I suggest another spell to fix it?

Everyone else: NO

Hephaestus: ugh fine

Zeus: @.everyone who changed the name of our group??

Poseidon: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Dionysus: well now I wish I did

Dionysus: that would’ve been the BEST April fool’s day prank

Aphrodite: bruh it’s the first of January

Dionysus: EXACTLY!

Hermes: wait

Hermes: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!

Apollo: omg YEAH

Apollo: 🎉

Dionysus: I’d pop a bottle of champagne, but someone--

Dionysus: *glares at Zeus*

Dionysus: --won’t let me

Zeus: that’s kind of on you, my friend

Dionysus: *sulks in his own misery*

Zeus: anyways, since we were getting off-topic…

Zeus: WHO CHANGED THE NAME TO GREEK SCUM????

*Zeus has changed his name to BigDaddyLightningBolt*

BigDaddyLightningBolt: WHYYYYYY???

Apollo: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Apollo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BigDaddyLightningBolt: WHO DID THIS????

Hera: I can’t! This is too funny!

BigDaddyLightningBolt: I SWEAR WHOEVER DID THIS WILL REGRET IT!!

Hephaestus: it might just be an error in the software

Hephaestus: Like I said earlier, I can fix it--

Everyone else: NO MORE SPELLS!

Hephaestus: ugh fine

*Hades has changed his name to CorpseBreath*

CorpseBreath: um

CorpseBreath: this is interesting

CorpseBreath: but why did it say I did it?

BigDaddyLightningBolt: EXACTLY

*Dionysus has changed his name to WineDude*

WineDude:...

WineDude: all right whatever

BigDaddyLightningBolt: This needs to stop!

*Apollo has changed his name to HotBoy*

BigDaddyLightningBolt: WHY DOES APOLLO GET A COOL NAME??

HotBoy: because i changed it myself

HotBoy: duh

BigDaddyLightningBolt: but did you change ours?

HotBoy: I swear on my precious bow I didn’t

CorpseBreath: ok this is getting weird

?: Having fun yet?

Olympian gods:...

Poseidon: I’m sorry, who are you?

?: Your worst nightmare!

Ares: *screams*

Hermes: all right, give up the charade

?: pfft

?: you’ll never be able to figure out who we--

?: I mean I

?: -- am!

Athena: *quietly* I’ve got an idea.

Athena: Oh, please. Who do you think you’re fooling?

Athena: You do realize that your display name is visible, right?

?:...

?: GODDAMN IT

*? has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

?: THOR YOU SON OF A BITCH THAT WAS YOUR ONE JOB!!!

?: Well, sOOoOOOOOooOoooOrRy

Hera: Athena, that was brilliant!

Hera: wait, did I say that?

Athena: Thanks to EPIC: The Musical, I learned that bluffing is a very good strategy.

BigDaddyLightningBolt: so, Thor?

BigDaddyLightningBolt: all right guys, it’s either norse gods or the Avengers

?: Um

?: Yeah

?: we’re definitely the Avengers guys

?: My name is Seargeant United States

?: And this is Falconeyeball

HotBoy: you mean Captain America and Hawkeye?

?: Shoot

Athena: So, Norse gods.

WineDude: You guys wanna reverse everything and reveal yourselves?

?: Ugh fine

*? has changed everything back and revealed their names*

Zeus: oh thank the gods

Zeus: anyways, what the hell guys?

*Zeus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Odin: Well, that’s a fine how-do-ya-do

Odin: Let’s start over

Odin: I’m Odin, the All-father, and these are Loki, Thor, Heimdall and Tyr

Loki: wassup guys

Hermes: omg Loki! It’s been forever!

Loki: ikr! We gotta hang out more

Hera: *clears throat*

Hera: I hate to break up this love-fest, but what are you doing here? And why are you trying to ruin our group chat?

Tyr: the thing is, this was all a prank

Heimdall: call it an April Fool’s Day prank, if you will

Dionysus: SEE ATHENA? I SAID TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY TO DO ONE!!

Athena: But the prank has been going on for a few weeks now.

Thor: yeah it was a lot of fun lmao

Artemis: so, you’re the ones who uploaded the virus?

Loki: guilty as charged

Odin: I took a trip to the well of Mimir and learned how computer viruses work just for this prank

Odin: Cost me an arm and a leg though

Tyr: and he’s not kidding

Apollo: *blinks aggressively*

Apollo: huh

Apollo: I madly respect the dedication

Odin: Why, thank you

Hermes: well, if you guys wanna stick around and invite some other Norse gods…

Aphrodite: hermes, I swear if you’re thinking about--

Hermes: NORSE GODS HUNGER GAMES SIMULATOR!!!!!

Hermes: you should know it’s a tradition by now

Hermes: but it’ll have to wait till next week

Loki: oh COME ON, MAN

Hermes: what? I gotta keep you on your toes 🙃

BadboySupreme: tune in next week for the Hunger Games: Norse God Edition!

Everyone else: valDEZ!!

Heimdall: is making fun of a weird little demigod also tradition?

Apollo: yep

Chapter Text

Loki: see Hermes? It’s next week

Hermes: it sure is

Hermes: Odin, you wanna invite some of ur friends?

Odin: Sure

*Odin has added Mimir, Frigg, Frey, Freya, Njord, Sif and Hel to the group chat*

Apollo: welcome Norse gods!

Mimir: What’s this?

Mimir: A group chat for the Greek gods?

Mimir: hmm, I see

Zeus: what?

Mimir: I’m looking through the chat history and--

Mimir: Hold on

Mimir: HAMILTON?

Apollo: yep

Mimir: I’m sorry, but this chat is a mess

Dionysus: It sure is :)

Njord: so, why are we here?

Hermes: that’s a good question

Hermes: and the answer…

Hermes: HUNGER GAMES SIMULATOR!!

Freya: ooh!

Freya: I LOVE the Hunger Games!

Freya: I just saw the new movie, A Ballad of Songbird and Snakes, and I loved when--

Apollo: NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T WATCHED IT YET

Freya: All right, but I highly recommend it!

Hermes: anyways

Hermes: I’m just filling out the information for the game rn

Tyr: so what are the rules on maiming?

Heimdall: yeah is this like a Ragnarok situation or what?

Hermes: um

Hermes: it’s a simulator

Hermes: it’s fake

Hermes: no real death

Tyr: well that’s disappointing

Frey: oh well

Frey: i’d rather not have an earlier Ragnarok

Loki: eh

Loki: I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world

Sif: you sure about that?

Loki: yes

Loki: I never kid about Ragnarok

Hermes: *clears throat*

Hermes: i’ve got the simulator set up

Hermes: shall we start?

Norse gods: yes

Hermes: all right

Hermes: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hermes: round 1!

Hermes: “Odin challenges Tyr to a duel. Tyr bites the dust!”

Ghost of Tyr: O.O

Ghost of Tyr: I died so soon 😭😭😭😭

Odin: If I weren’t so wise, just and fair, I’d say “Get Wrecked”

Frigg: you just did

Odin: No, you’re missing the point

Odin: I was just providing an example

Hermes: Hel is now frenzied

Hel: What does that mean?

Artemis: I think basically you can’t be controlled anymore

Artemis: and the others need to watch out for you

Hel: nicee

Hermes: “Sif tries to kill Frey, but Frey retaliates and kills her instead.”

Frey: HAHA

Frey: Maybe I shouldn’t be mean, because karma

Frey: but that’s kinda funny

Ghost of Sif: yeah, hilarious.

Hermes: onto round 2!

Hermes: “Loki thinks of a dark, dark poem.”

Loki: sounds about right

Hermes: “Freya isn't sure whether to cry, laugh, or tear her hair out.”

Freya: You know what, that’s kind of accurate

Hermes: “Odin ambushes Frigg and murders her!”

Ghost of Frigg: WHAT

Odin: *snickers*

Odin: So, 2 kills for me?

Odin: Noice

Hermes: “Thor gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

Loki: that sums up his entire life to be honest

Ghost of Thor: HEY!

Hermes: Round 3!

Hermes: “In a fit of frenzy, Hel creeps up on Njord and kills him dead!”

Hel: WOOHOO

Ghost of Njord: all right whatever

Hermes: round 4!

Hermes: “Frey gets mauled by wild animals.”

Ghost of Frey:...

Ghost of Frey: huh

Freya: wouldn’t it be funny if it was a boar that killed you?

Ghost of Frey: yeah, haha

Hermes: “Odin attacks Freya from behind and strangles her!”

Odin: is that my second or third kill?

Odin: it’s getting kind of hard to remember now

Ghost of Freya: oh shut up

Hermes: “Loki challenges Heimdall to a duel. Heimdall bites the dust!”

Ghost of Heimdall: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Loki: haha get wrecked

Odin: Who’s left?

Hermes: It’s just you, Loki and Hel left

Hermes: looks like this is the perfect opportunity to take a break!

Loki: NO SCREW YOU HERMES!

Hermes: The excitement will build if we take a break

Apollo: 🎵run away with us for the summer, let’s go upstate!🎵

Zeus: Apollo, enough

Zeus: the last thing we need is to summon the Hamilton group again

Apollo: ugh fine

BadboySupreme: tune in next week for the finale of the Hunger Games: Norse Gods Edition!

Everyone: valDEZ!!!

Apollo: @.norsegods, see, now ur getting the hang of it!

Chapter Text

Loki: @.hermes

Loki: @.hermes

Loki: @.hermes

Loki: @.HERMES

Hermes: OH MY GOD WHAT???

*Hermes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Loki: time to finish the simulation!

Hermes: all right gimme a minute

Hermes: i need to finish this delivery

*2 minutes later*

Hermes: all right and I’m back

Odin: Welcome back, friend!

Hel: now get on with it!

Hermes: okay okay

Hermes: Round 5!

Hermes: where nothing happens

Odin: Really? Nothing? Absolutely nothing?

Hermes: well, Loki thinks of another dark poem, but that’s about it

Loki: fair

Hermes: round 6!

Hermes: ‘Loki tries to kill Odin, but Odin retaliates and kills him instead.”

Ghost of Loki: wait NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Odin: Haha, nice one

Ghost of Loki: GET REVENGE, MY DAUGHTER!!

Hel: I’ll try, but it is a random simulator after all

Ghost of Loki: NO I MEAN IN REAL LIFE

Hel: you want me to kill him during Ragnarok? You know that’s not how it goes

Ghost of Loki: I DON’T CARE

Ghost of Loki: CHANGE FATE

Zeus: Loki, that isn’t how it works

Ghost of Loki: yeah, yeah, I know

Hermes: Round 7!

Hermes: nothing again

Hermes: oh well, onto the next round!

Hermes: “Odin duels it out with Hel. Hel bites the dust!”

Ghost of Hel: oop

Odin: LET’S GO

Odin: And that, my friends, is why I’M the All-Father

Loki: yeah whatever

Mimir: wait

Mimir: WHAT ABOUT ME???

Hermes: --what

Hermes: OH MY GAWD I’M SO SORRY!!!

Mimir: DO I JUST NOT EXIST TO YOU?

Hermes: I SWEAR I HAD EVERYBODY!!!

Mimir: *sighs* I should’ve seen this coming

Hermes: NO

Hermes: i WILL make it up to you

Hel: another round?

Hermes: no…

Hermes: cuz we just did one and I don’t wanna set up another one

Thor: stop being so lazy, Hermes

Hermes: I’M NOT LAZY

Hermes: but maybe I’ll do another round on different circumstances…

Hermes: Apollo? Can I dm you?

Apollo: sure

*4 minutes later*

Loki: WHAT’S HAPPENING??

*1 minute later*

Hermes: all right we’re back

Apollo: so the plan is to do another hunger games simulator

Frey: ya really had to talk about it?

Apollo: LEMME FINISH

Apollo: but y’all are gonna be on one team

Freya: huh?

Tyr: wdym we’re all on one team

Hermes: cuz we’re bringing in another team

Hermes: Apollo just has to summon them

Apollo: yeah I will

Apollo: WITH MY AWESOME PIANO PLAYING

Njord: So, who are you inviting?

Apollo: you’ll have to wait and see 🙃

Thor: oh COME ON

Sif: at least show us what song it is

Apollo: ugh fine

Apollo: It didn’t come with a title so y’all are gonna have to guess

Apollo: ibb.co/tH4ddpN

ArcherDude: OOH I know what that is!

Apollo: well don’t spoil it, Will

ArcherDude: I won’t, don’t worry

BadboySupreme: I dare ALL OF YOU at home to play it

BadboySupreme: if you can, of course

BadboySupreme: it’s a spoiler for the next group who’s gonna join us

Zeus: Valdez, who tf are you talking to?

BadboySupreme: no one don’t worry about it

Apollo: ok I’ve played it

Apollo: they should be here in about a week

Loki: oh COME ON

Loki: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LOVE CLIFFHANGERS?

Hermes: because it’s fun watching you suffer, lmao

Apollo: we can do this all day

Hermes: anyways, bye!

Everyone else: UGHHHHH

*The Greek and Norse gods will return in the next chapter*

Chapter Text

*Cue cinematic music*

Apollo: Yes! They’re here!

Hera: who?

Artemis: JUST TELL US

Hermes: you’ll figure it out soon enough 🙃

*Dramatic music builds*

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhVjp48U2Oc*

*SteveRogers, TonyStark, NatashaRomanoff, BruceBanner, Thor, Loki, ClintBarton, WandaMaximoff, PeterParker, Vision, SamWilson and BuckyBarnes have joined the group chat*

Everyone else: *jaw drops*

Dionysus: it’s

Dionysus: the

Dionysus: AVENGERS!!!

Dionysus: *squeals*

Persephone: this is awesome!

SteveRogers: Hello, everyone! We heard your distress call and came as quickly as we could.

Hestia: distress call?

TonyStark: yeah

TonyStark: that music was obviously a cry for help

Apollo: 👁👄👁

Apollo: A CRY FOR HELP??

NatashaRomanoff: So, who do we need to beat up?

Hera: um… no one?

Poseidon: Zeus

Poseidon: definitely Zeus

Zeus: HEY!

Loki: So this is the Greek god’s group chat?

Loki: Hmm

Loki: I was expecting better

Loki: um, exCuSE mE?

Loki: I’M Loki

Loki: Well, last I checked, I’M the real Loki

Loki: no, I AM

Loki: You’re not; it’s me

Loki: no, it’s clearly me!

Dionysus: OH MA GAWD JUST STOP THIS IS CONFUSING

Persephone: let me guess. One’s the Loki from Marvel, and the other is Loki from Norse mythology?

Hermes: yep

Loki: And that’s where you’re wrong. I’m the Loki from both

Loki: I AM a god after all, the one true Norse god of mischief

Hermes: no ur not

Hermes: I’m just gonna adjust their names

Dionysus: thank god

*Dionysus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

*Hermes has changed Loki to NorseLoki*

*Hermes has changed Loki to MarvelLoki*

Hermes: better?

NorseLoki: much

Thor: what about me?

Thor: I mean other me?

Thor: I am NOT just your other you

Thor: I am Thor Odinson, the mighty wielder of Mjolnir--

MarvelLoki: Oh just SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!

MarvelLoki: You really don’t have to keep saying that

Thor: Relax, brother. I am just introducing myself

NorseLoki and Thor: *choke*

NorseLoki: i’m sorry, BROTHER?

MarvelLoki: Yes?

NorseLoki:...

NorseLoki: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NorseLoki: i can’t… that is too funny 😂

Thor: so this is how Hollywood sees us?

NorseLoki: I guess

Demeter: Hermes, can you change Thor’s names too?

Hermes: yeah I’m on it

*Hermes has changed Thor to MarvelThor*

*Hermes has changed Thor to NorseThor*

Demeter: thanks, it was getting confusing

SteveRogers: Can we please get back on topic? Why are we here?

Hermes: ooh yeah

Hermes: so… funny story… it wasn’t a distress call

Apollo: we just wanted to invite y’all to our group chat

WandaMaximoff: So, no one is dying?

Hermes: No

BuckyBarnes: Aw that’s a shame.

SamWilson: How is that a shame?

BuckyBarnes: Nevermind, don’t worry about it.

PeterParker: This place is actually pretty cool!

PeterParker: It’s just so weird

Hera: tell me about it

Hermes: well, the real reason you’re all here is because we want to start a Hunger Games simulator between you guys and the Norse gods

Mimir: and it’s also to make up for SOMEONE forgetting me!

Hermes: I said I was sorry!

Mimir: I know 🙃

SteveRogers: Hunger Games? Never heard of it.

TonyStark: ‘course you haven’t, grandpa

MarvelThor: HAHAHAHA

MarvelThor: Good one, metal man

ClintBarton: Aren’t you like thousands of years older than Cap?

MarvelThor: What? No… that’s ridiculous…

Apollo: *blinks*

Apollo: anyways

Apollo: do you guys wanna participate?

BruceBanner: I guess

BruceBanner: I’d just rather not get the big guy involved

BruceBanner: He gets a little too excited about violence

Hermes: you have a better chance of winning tho

BruceBanner: hmm

BruceBanner: I’m not sure

Hermes: Here’s what we can do: I’ll make you both buff and smart. Sound good?

BruceBanner: Yeah I can agree with that

Hermes: amazing!

MarvelThor: Shall we grab our weapons and start?

Dionysus: that’s not how it works, dude

MarvelThor: Did you just call me dude?

Dionysus: yes

MarvelThor: Ok then

Vision: It is just a random computer simulation, correct?

Hermes: yep

SteveRogers: Oh. Well, I can’t Ipad really well, so I won’t be of much help.

Hermes: no, guys…

Hermes: 🤦

Hermes: you know what? I’m just gonna start it, and you’ll see how it is

NatashaRomanoff: Ok

Hermes: @.badboysupreme, I need you to introduce this game

BadboySupreme: I was kinda busy man--

BadboySupreme: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK IT’S THE AVENGERS!!

Hermes: NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO FANGIRL, VALDEZ!!

BadboySupreme: but it’s the Avengers!!

BadboySupreme: yo Iron Man! I got amazing fire powers if you need a new recruit!

BadboySupreme: my superhero code name can be “Super Sized McShizzle BadboySupreme!”

Apollo: ok Leo you’re done, buddy

*BadboySupreme has been kicked out of the group chat*

Artemis: you know he’ll be back, right?

Apollo: yeah. This way he can’t bother us in this moment

Artemis: true

Hermes: I’ll introduce the game, then

Hermes: Welcome, guys, gals and nonbinary pals, to the First Marvel versus Norse Mythology Hunger Games Simulator! This is our first game that isn’t “everyone for themselves!” There are two teams: Team Marvel and Team Norse! Shall we begin?

Everyone else: WOOHOO!

Hermes: Norse gods, are you ready?

Norse gods: YEAHHHHHHH

Hermes: Avengers, are you ready?

Avengers: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

MarvelLoki: What about me?

MarvelLoki: I’m here -- for some reason -- but I’m not an Avenger

Hermes: you’re kinda ruining the moment, Loki

Hermes: Ok, Avengers AND Loki, are you ready?

Avengers + MarvelLoki: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

Hermes: Avengers! A----

Chapter Text

Hermes: time to start round 1!

Hermes: “Bucky Barnes attempts to kill Odin, but Frey intervenes to protect him! Unfortunately, Frey dies in the attempt…”

Ghost of Frey: oh no!

Ghost of Frey: Why’d I have to die first? 😭

Odin: I will honor you, brave friend. I’ll avenge your death

BuckyBarnes: *chuckles*

BuckyBarnes: Good luck with that

Hermes: oop

Hermes: this is kinda funny ngl

Hermes: “Odin kind of wanders off and gets lost, never to be seen again.”

Ghost of Odin: O.O

BuckyBarnes: HA

BuckyBarnes: HA

BuckyBarnes: HA

Ghost of Frey: oh well, you tried

Hermes: “Marvel Loki is only looking out for himself.”

MarvelLoki: Sounds about right

Hermes: “Steve Rogers is proud to lead Team Marvel.”

TonyStark: I’m sorry, what makes you think you’re our leader?

SteveRoger: Well, the simulation said I am, so therefore I am.

TonyStark: It’s a MACHINE! It doesn’t know anything!

Vision: Um?

TonyStark: This doesn’t involve you, Vision.

TonyStark: If anything, I’m the leader

SteveRogers: Oh, please!

TonyStark: Oh please yourself

Hermes: GENTLEMEN!

Hermes: I’m going to need you both to shut the fuck up

TonyStark: Oh no! Steve, he said a bAd lAnGuAgE wOrD

SteveRogers: OK, wow

Hermes: 🤦

Hermes: It’s a sign of the apocalypse when I’m the mature one

MarvelLoki: Or maybe it’s Ragnarok

MarvelThor: RAGNAROK???

MarvelThor: OH NO WE NEED TO PREPARE

NorseLoki: *to MarvelLoki* Is he always this dramatic?

MarvelLoki: *to NorseLoki* Yes

MarvelThor: WHY AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT??

NorseThor: we’re all chill with the inevitable

Ghost of Frey: yeah

MarvelThor: WHY?

MarvelThor: Ragnarok is the destruction of everything and everyone you love

NorseLoki: but how can you be sad if YOU are dead?

MarvelThor:...

MarvelThor: O.O

NorseLoki: just think about that

Hermes: anyways

Hermes: we went so off topic lmfao

Hermes: “Wanda Maximoff gets caught in one of Freya's traps... What a stupid mistake! She should have known better. All she can do now is hope to be freed…”

WandaMaximoff: Oh, wonderful

Vision: Was that sarcasm?

WandaMaximoff: Yes

WandaMaximoff: Can’t I use my magic to escape?

Hermes: no

Hermes: nobody in the simulator has weapons or abilties so it’s fair

MarvelThor: WHAT? Oh come on!

Hermes: “Hel wants to end things once and for all with Tony Stark. Tony Stark bites the dust!”

Ghost of TonyStark: Are you serious? Fantastic!

Vision: Sarcasm?

Ghost of TonyStark: nOooOoooOOoooOO, I just love dying

Ghost of TonyStark: What do you think?

Hermes: “Natasha Romanoff does her best to avoid Marvel Loki.”

MarvelLoki: Sounds about right

NatashaRomanoff: 🤦

Hermes: “Sam Wilson reminisces about Tony Stark and sobs quietly.”

Ghost of TonyStark: You see that? That right there is a true friend. Thank you, Sam, for being my friend.

PeterParker: Am I not your friend, Mr. Stark?

Ghost of TonyStark: Did you grieve for me?

PeterParker: Well, in the simulation no, but--

Ghost of TonyStark: Exactly my point

Hermes: ok you need to stop talking

Hades: The dead tell no tales, Tony

Ghost of TonyStark: sOoOoOOoRrY

Hermes: onto round 2!

Hermes: “Norse Loki feels like Hel is slowing him down. Norse Loki got rid of Hel!”

Ghost of Hel: 😦

Ghost of Hel: DAD!! WHAT THE HEL!

Njord: Did you just swear by yourself?

Ghost of Hel: yes

Ghost of Hel: i’m THAT mad

Hermes: “Wanda Maximoff, still trapped, screams for help, but nobody answers…”

WandaMaximoff: Normally I can get out of things like this

Vision: Don’t worry, my darling. I will save you if I can ❤️.

WandaMaximoff: Aw, thank you, Vis

Hermes: aww that’s so cute <3

Hermes: “Marvel Loki tries to kill Frigg, but Frigg retaliates and kills him instead.”

Ghost of MarvelLoki: O.O

Ghost of MarvelLoki: Killed by my own mother from a different universe!

Ghost of MarvelLoki: I’ve gotta say… that hurts

Frigg: Well, you did try to kill me first

Ghost of MarvelLoki: Ehh

Hermes: “Sif kills Bucky Barnes before Sam Wilson can react! There is nothing Sam Wilson can do…”

SamWilson: 😭

Odin: Well, now I’m sad I couldn’t avenge Frey, but at least his killer’s dead

Ghost of BuckyBarnes: yeah, yeah, whatever

Hermes: “Bruce Banner finds Wanda Maximoff caught in a trap, and manages to free her.”

WandaMaximoff: Thanks, Bruce

Vision: Thank you, Doctor Banner.

BruceBanner: Of course

Hermes: “Peter Parker tries to cheer Sam Wilson up, but it's not really working…”

SamWilson: Thanks for trying, I guess…

PeterParker: of course, man

Hermes: “Norse Thor attempts to kill Sam Wilson, but Steve Rogers intervenes just in time! Steve Rogers had to kill Norse Thor to protect Sam Wilson's life…”

Ghost of NorseThor: Aw man

MarvelThor: I will fight for us, fellow Thor Odinson

Hermes: “Njord made some mistakes as a leader, but wants to do right by Team Norse Gods.”

Njord: wait why am I the leader?

Odin: I don’t know

Apollo: blame the simulator

Hermes: onto round 3!

Hermes: “In an act of betrayal, Heimdall and Freya team up and get rid of Tyr!”

Ghost of Tyr: *le gasp*

Ghost of Tyr: what’s up with that, guys?

Freya: I’m sorry Tyr 😭

Heimdall: I’m not

Heimdall: lmfaooo

Hermes: “Bruce Banner attempts to kill Heimdall, but Njord intervenes to protect him! Unfortunately, Njord dies in the attempt…”

Ghost of Njord: Oop. Oh well

Heimdall: thanks, bro

Ghost of Njord: Anytime

Ghost of Njord: but not during Ragnarok

Ghost of Njord: you’re on your own for that

Hermes: “Peter Parker gets caught in one of Natasha Romanoff's traps! All he can do now is hope to be freed…”

NatashaRomanoff: Sorry, kid

PeterParker: Yeah, that’s all right

PeterParker: I’ll hopefully get freed eventually

Hermes: Oh I gotta go deliver a package now

Hermes: see y’all later

Apollo: HERMEEEEEEEES

Hermes: It’s not my fault! Narcissus needs his large mirror!

Hermes: I’ll be back as soon as I can!

*Hermes has gone offline*

Zeus: that little weasel--

Hera: he’s your own son

Zeus: yeah, so I’m allowed to call him that

ClintBarton: When will he be back?

Apollo: *sighs*

Apollo: who knows?

SteveRogers: So… what do we do in the meantime?

Everyone else:...

Everyone else:...

Ghost of TonyStark: Shawarma?

Everyone else: YES

Apollo: let’s go

Apollo: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Chapter Text

*Hermes has gone online*

Hermes: hey y’all!

Hermes: I’m back

Hermes: wait did you guys get shawarma without me? 😢

Dionysus: yes

Dionysus: it was delicious

Hermes: 😭😭

Poseidon: that’s what you get for having a job, ig

Hermes: wha--

Hermes: I’m just gonna move on

Hermes: Round 4!

Hermes: “Peter Parker was struggling in the trap and cut himself pretty bad. Peter Parker is now bleeding out!”

PeterParker: Oh no!

Hermes: “Vision recalls something about Bucky Barnes and sobs quietly.”

Ghost of BuckyBarnes: Aw, that’s nice

Vision: Of course.

Hermes: “Natasha Romanoff attacks Sif from behind and strangles her!”

Ghost of Sif: 😮

Ghost of Sif: alright then

Hermes: Onto Round 5!

Hermes: “Norse Loki creeps up behind Sam Wilson and shoots him point-blank with his shotgun!”

NorseLoki: Ha

NorseLoki: Get wrecked

Ghost of SamWilson: Damn

*SamWilson has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Ghost of SamWilson: WHAT’S A CHRISTIAN SWEAR JAR™??

Hermes: oh yeah we didn’t explain that

Hermes: oh well

Hermes: “Mimir attempts to kill Bruce Banner, but Vision intervenes just in time! Vision had to kill Mimir to protect Bruce Banner's life…”

Vision: I’m so sorry, Mimir, but I had to.

Ghost of Mimir: you know what? I’m chill, because I actually got to play this time

Hermes: “Heimdall tries to kill Marvel Thor, but Marvel Thor retaliates and kills him instead.”

MarvelThor: Heimdall! I can still save you!

Hermes: no, you can’t

MarvelThor: 😭😭😭

Hermes: “Steve Rogers challenges Frigg to a duel. Frigg bites the dust!”

MarvelThor: NOOOOO

MarvelThor: MOTHER!!

MarvelThor: I will destroy you, Captain Rogers

SteveRogers: Good luck with that.

Hermes: “Wanda Maximoff eats something she shouldn't have and dies of horrible stomach pains.”

Vision: 😭

Ghost of WandaMaximoff: Vision!! 😭

Vision: We will be reunited soon enough, my love.

Aphrodite: Awww that’s so cute

Hermes: Round 6!

Hermes: “Bruce Banner finds Peter Parker caught in a trap, and manages to free him.”

PeterParker: Aw, thank you so much, man!

BruceBanner: Don’t mention it

Hermes: “Clint Barton feels like Vision is slowing him down. Clint Barton has murdered Vision!”

ClintBarton: Oh… wow… I’m so sorry about that, Vision

Ghost of Vision: That’s OK. I’m finally reunited with Wanda.

Hermes: “Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff come at Norse Loki from both sides, slaughtering him!”

NatashaRomanoff: Nice

SteveRogers: That is NOT a duo you want to mess with 😅.

Hermes: Round 7!

Hermes: “Bruce Banner gets caught in one of Freya's traps! All he can do now is hope to be freed…”

BruceBanner: Yikes

BruceBanner: Hey, kid…

BruceBanner: Do you want to repay the favor?

PeterParker: I would, but I have no idea if it’s in the simulation

Hermes: “Steve Rogers made some mistakes as a leader, but wants to do right by Team Marvel.”

Ghost of TonyStark: Again with the leader thing!

SteveRogers: You can’t exactly be the leader if you’re dead, Mr. Stark.

Ghost of TonyStark: But-- wha-- Come on!

Hermes: “In an act of betrayal, Clint Barton and Natasha Romanoff team up and get rid of Marvel Thor!”

Ghost of MarvelThor: NOOOOOO

Ghost of MarvelThor: Killed by my own friends 😭

Hermes: Onto Round 8!

Hermes: my goodness this is taking forever

Frigg: It’s because there’s like 2 dozen of us

Hermes: fair point

Hermes: can y’all hurry up the killing?

NorseLoki: we’re trying!

Hermes: “Clint Barton gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

Ghost of ClintBarton: 😑

Ghost of ClintBarton: Yeah that sounds like something I’d do

Hermes: “Bruce Banner is trapped and can't do anything.”

BruceBanner: Gee, thanks

Hermes: Onto Round 9!

Hermes: “Peter Parker kind of wanders off and gets lost, never to be seen again.”

Ghost of PeterParker: Aw, man!

Hermes: “Steve Rogers finds Bruce Banner caught in a trap, and manages to free him.”

BruceBanner: Thanks, Cap

SteveRogers: Anytime.

Hermes: next round!

Hermes: “Steve Rogers remembers Tony Stark and sobs quietly.”

Ghost of TonyStark: At least you’re grieving over my death…

SteveRogers: Why wouldn’t I?

Hermes: “Natasha Romanoff attacks Freya from behind and strangles her!”

Hermes: And that was the last teammate from Team Norse Gods! Team Marvel wins!

NatashaRomanoff: 🥳

Ghost of Tyr: Who’s left?

Hermes: lemme check

Hermes: it’s just Natasha, Steve, and Bruce

Hermes: Do you guys wanna keep going to see who wins?

SteveRogers: Sure.

Hermes: All righty

Hermes: we shall continue this later!

Ghost of TonyStark: WHAT??

Hermes: i’ve gotta keep you guys on ur toes

BruceBanner: I wouldn’t do that if I were you

BruceBanner: You’re making the other guy angry

Hermes: *gulps*

Hermes: gotta split gusy

Hermes: *guys

BruceBanner: The other guy also hates typos

Hermes:...

Hermes: RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

*Hermes has gone offline*

Chapter Text

Hermes: Alrighty I’m back

Ghost of MarvelThor: FINALLY!

NatashaRomanoff: Let’s keep going. I want to see who wins.

SteveRogers: Same.

Hermes: Okay

Hermes: Round 11!

Hermes: “Steve Rogers gets caught in one of Natasha Romanoff's traps! All he can do now is hope to be freed…”

SteveRogers: Huh.

SteveRogers: That’s fun, not.

Hermes: “Bruce Banner finds a sword, shiny and sharp. A rather nice find!”

BruceBanner: Nice

Hermes: Round 12!

Hermes: “Steve Rogers was struggling in the trap and cut himself pretty bad. Steve Rogers is now bleeding out!”

SteveRogers: 😬

SteveRogers: That’s not good.

Hermes: “Bruce Banner finds Steve Rogers caught in a trap, and manages to free him.”

SteveRogers: Phew.

BruceBanner: I feel like I’M the one who keeps rescuing people.

SteveRogers: Yes, and we love it.

Hermes: Next round!

Hermes: “Natasha Romanoff finds some leather scraps, just enough to patch together some rudimentary clothing. It looks rather caveman-like.”

NatashaRomanoff: Okay then

Hermes: next round, because literally nothing happens

Hermes: “Natasha Romanoff feels like Bruce Banner is slowing her down. Natasha Romanoff eliminated Bruce Banner!”

Ghost of BruceBanner: 😳😳

NatashaRomanoff: Oh… that’s… interesting

NatashaRomanoff: You know I would never do that in real life, right?

BruceBanner: Yeah, of course

Hermes: “Steve Rogers wasn't looking and fell off a cliff…”

Ghost of SteveRogers: NOO!

NatashaRomanoff: YES! I WIN!

NatashaRomanoff: I mean, yes, thank you for this win.

Hermes: Well there you have it folks. The winner of this hunger games simulator is Natasha!

NatashaRomanoff: 🥳

Vision: Congratulations, Natasha 😀.

ClintBarton: Yeah, you earned that

NatashaRomanoff: Thank you, guys

Hermes: do you want to keep going until you die?

NatashaRomanoff: Sure, why not?

Hermes: allrighty

*2 minutes later*

Hermes: jesus christ

*Hermes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

SteveRogers: What?

Hermes: I’m on round 65 and Natasha STILL hasn’t died

TonyStark: dAyUm

TonyStark: Girl is a survivor

NatashaRomanoff: Obviously

Hermes: ah here we go

Hermes: Round 81! For christ’s sake--

*Hermes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hermes: “Natasha Romanoff gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

TonyStark: Okay, there we go

NatashaRomanoff: What’s that supposed to mean?

TonyStark: Nothing don’t worry about it

SteveRogers: Well, that was fun!

Frey: Yeah! Especially me dying first /s

MarvelThor: We should do another round

MarvelThor: With weapons

Frigg: You really want weapons, don’t you?

MarvelThor: Of course!

Hermes: hmm

Hermes: i have an idea

Freya: what is it?

Hermes: we play another round

Hermes: with powers and weapons

MarvelThor: YES! That’s what I’m talking about!

Hermes: but get this:

Hermes: we add a third team

SamWilson: A third team?

ClintBarton: Who?

Hermes: the Olympians!

Ares: i like that idea!

Demeter: i do, too

Hermes: so, are we all good with that?

Everyone else: Yes!

Hermes: awesome!

Hermes: i’ll get Leo to set it up

BruceBanner: The kid you kicked from the server earlier for “fangirling?”

Hermes: yes

BruceBanner: Ok just checking

Hermes: @.badboysupreme, WE NEED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

BadboySupreme: YES! I’VE BEEN SUMMONED!

Hermes: we need you to set up three teams for the hunger games

BadboySupreme: ooh, okay

BadboySupreme: brb guys

*5 minutes later*

BadboySupreme: guys we have a problem

Hephaestus: What’s wrong?

BadboySupreme: there are 12 members for Team Norse Gods and Team Marvel, but there’s 15 members for Team Greek Gods

Persephone: eh I don’t really wanna play so make it 14

BadboySupreme: allright then, but it still doesn’t solve things

Hermes: umm

Hermes: umm

Hermes: is there anyone willing to not participate?

*Crickets*

BuckyBarnes: What if we just invited 2 more people from our universes to join our teams?

Hermes: 🤔

Hermes: hmm yeah!

Zeus: do you guys know who you want to invite?

SteveRogers: I think so.

SteveRogers: B.R.B.

*SteveRogers has invited BaronVonStrucker to the group chat*

TonyStark: WHAT THE HELL, STEVE?!?

SteveRogers: Whoops, wrong person.

BaronVonStrucker: Hail Hydra!

TonyStark: No.

*TonyStark has banned BaronVonStrucker from the group chat*

SteveRogers: Sorry guys, I’m not good with technology.

Vision: Why don’t I invite 2 of our friends?

NatashaRomanoff: Sure

*Vision has invited KingT’Challa and StephenStrange to the group chat*

BadboySupreme: oOooOOOoOooOohH

SteveRogers: Your highness.

KingT’Challa: Do I want to know what this is?

Hera: No

Hera: you really don’t

StephenStrange: What kind of a messed up Multiverse is this?

Athena: I’m not sure, to be honest.

Athena: This group chat seems to defy the laws of the Multiverse.

Hermes: *brain explodes*

Hermes: yeah ur right

Hermes: anyways, you both are here to participate in a hunger games simulation!

KingT’Challa: A what?

PeterParker: You’ll figure it out eventually

BadboySupreme: Norse gods, do you have 2 people you want to invite

Odin: Yep one second

*Odin has invited Bragi and Idunn to the group chat*

NorseThor: welcome!

Idunn: thank you! Where are we exactly?

Frey: A group chat for the greek gods

Bragi: then, why are we here?

Norse Loki: I--

NorseLoki: Good question

Hermes: Leo, if you’re ready, will you introduce the games?

BadboySupreme: OF COURSE!

BadboySupreme: Welcome folks, to the first 3-team game of the Hunger Games! In this simulation, the Norse Gods, Greek gods and Avengers will compete to win!

BadboySupreme: Shall we?

Everyone else: YES!!!

BadboySupreme: Avengers! A--

Hermes: Leo, I already made that reference

BadboySupreme: OH COME ON!!

Chapter Text

BadboySupreme: Did you guys enjoy that cliffhanger?

BadboySupreme: I’m so evil MWAHAHAHAHAHA

BadboySupreme: Like author, like character, am I right?

Poseidon: just GET ON WITH IT

BadboySupreme: ok, ok, sheesh

BadboySupreme: round 1!

BadboySupreme: “Apollo and Hermes giggle like idiots. Better not ask.”

Apollo and Hermes: *slowly turn and look at each other*

Apollo and Hermes: sounds about right

BadboySupreme: “Marvel Loki calls arcane fury down on Idunn, his ancient scepter beaming with an inner rage. Idunn vaporizes into a minty purple mist…”

Ghost of Idunn: 😭

Ghost of Idunn: I joined this group chat just to die first? 😢

Hermes: better luck next time ig lmao

BadboySupreme: “Vision feels unstoppable with his lasergun.”

Vision: I have a lasergun?

BadboySupreme: Well, no, but you do have that laser-forehead-thingy, and a lasergun was the closest thing

Vision: Ah, O.K.

TonyStark: What’s my weapon?

BadboySupreme: ummmmm you have a rocket launcher

TonyStark: Yay!

BadboySupreme: “Bucky Barnes creeps up behind Tyr and shoots him point-blank with his shotgun!”

BuckyBarnes: Ha.

Ghost of Tyr: O.O

BadboySupreme: “Artemis and Athena attack Steve Rogers from behind, killing him!”

Ghost of SteveRogers: No!

Ghost of SteveRogers: And I did so well in the last one!

Artemis: nice. We make a pretty good team

Athena: Yeah, we do.

BadboySupreme: “Tony Stark sobs quietly…”

TonyStark: Yeah okay

Ghost of SteveRogers: i hope you were grieving over my death.

TonyStark: Maybe I was and maybe I wasn’t

BadboySupreme: “Frey shakes his magic wand, but it seems it's used up the last of its magic.

The star at the tip has grown dull and useless; Frey tosses it aside.”

Frey: What a rip off! I already lost my item 😭

BadboySupreme: “In an act of betrayal, Athena and Hades team up and murder Aphrodite!

Ghost of Aphrodite: how dare you guys

Artemis: and how dare YOU, Athena! I thought we had something special 😭

Artemis: and then you leave me for HADES??

Athena: You got to do what you got to do, I suppose.

BadboySupreme: “King T'Challa and Marvel Loki get into an argument over who should be in charge.”

TonyStark: Um, none of you???

MarvelLoki: I think I should be in charge

MarvelLoki: And the simulation wants me to be

KingT’Challa: But it also wants ME to be the leader

TonyStark: How about NONE of you?

TonyStark: This is really not something we need to talk about right now

MarvelLoki: Fine, whatever.

BadboySupreme: “Natasha Romanoff attempts to kill Ares, but Zeus intervenes to protect him! Unfortunately, Zeus dies in the attempt…”

Ares: Aw, thanks, dad

Ghost of Zeus: I really died protecting Ares?

Ghost of Zeus: That’s sad

Ares: SAD?!?!?!

BadboySupreme: “Apollo does something really cute.”

Apollo: Damn right I do, uwu

*Apollo has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hera: 🤮

Hera: did you just unironically use “uwu”?

Apollo: it was obviously ironic

Apollo: …definitely ironic

BadboySupreme: *blinks aggressively*

BadboySupreme: ok, moving on

BadboySupreme: “Hades tries to kill Freya, but Freya retaliates and kills him instead.”

Freya: HA! Don’t mess with me!

Ghost of Hades: my bad

BadboySupreme: 😂😂

BadboySupreme: I’m sorry, but just read this:

BadboySupreme: “Hera thinks about Zeus and sobs quietly.”

Hera: OH HELL NAH

*Hera has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hera: THERE IS NO WAY

Apollo: 🎵 You must agree, that baby, in all the time I’ve been by your side--🎵

Hera: What?

Apollo: sorry, it’s a musical reference

Demeter: it’s always a musical reference

BadboySupreme: “Njord artfully slices through Artemis and Hera in one fell swoop.”

Njord: 🥳

Ghost of Artemis and Ghost of Hera: AW COME ON

BadboySupreme: “Hermes kills Marvel Thor before Tony Stark can react! There is nothing Tony Stark can do…”

Ghost of MarvelThor: NOOOOOOO

Ghost of MarvelThor: Thank you for trying to save me, Metal Man

TonyStark: Um, yeah, totally

BadboySupreme: “Demeter lobs her pitchfork at Bragi, killing him instantly!”

Ghost of Bragi: Well, that was fun while it lasted

BadboySupreme: Holy-- why are we STILL on Round 1??

BadboySupreme: ‘Dionysus challenges Peter Parker to a duel. Peter Parker bites the dust!”

Dionysus: more like faded to dust, am I right?

Apollo: *shakes his head*

Dionysus: what?

Ghost PeterParker: Not cool, bro

Apollo: too soon, man

Dionysus: well, sOoOooOoOOrRy

BadboySupreme: AAAAAAAAAAAAAND we’re finally done round 1! Thank goodness

BadboySupreme: onto round 2!

BadboySupreme: “Athena can't take it anymore and snaps Dionysus's neck.”

Athena: Ha, nice.

Ghost of Dionysus: you really hate me, don’t you?

Athena: The simulation does not lie.

BadboySupreme: “Poseidon made some mistakes as a leader, but wants to do right by Team Greek Gods.”

Ghost of Zeus: OBJECTION, YOUR HONOUR

Poseidon: well, there you have it, folks

Poseidon: I’m the new leader of the Olympians!

Ghost of Zeus: NO UR NOR!

Ghost of Zeus: *NOY

Ghost of Zeus: *NOT

Ghost of Zeus: FUCK

Poseidon: 🤣

BadboySupreme: “Apollo ambushes Natasha Romanoff and murders her!”

Ghost of NatashaRomanoff: What? Oh come on, that’s not fair!

Apollo: perfectly fair, babe

Ghost of NatashaRomanoff: 🤦

BadboySupreme: “Marvel Loki finds a rocket launcher! That's gonna end well.”

MarvelLoki: HAHA, YES

MarvelLoki: My time has come!

Ghost of MarvelThor: This is going to end well… not

BadboySupreme: “Tony Stark has a blank expression and seems unresponsive to what's going on…”

TonyStark: Yes sounds about right

BadboySupreme: “Njord attempts to kill Bucky Barnes, but Sam Wilson intervenes just in time! Sam Wilson had to kill Njord to protect Bucky Barnes's life…”

BuckyBarnes: Thanks, man.

SamWilson: Anytime, bro

Ghost of Njord: Hate to break up this bro-fest, but THANKS FOR KILLING ME!

Ghost of Njord: that was sarcasm by the way

SamWilson: I could tell

BadboySupreme: “Ares does his best to avoid Athena.”

Athena: As he should.

Ares: HEY!!

Ares: I DON’T FEAR NO ONE

Athena: *Anyone.

Ares: 😐

Ares: did you just correct my grammer?

Athena: *Grammar, and yes

Ares:...

Ares:...

Ares: wtf

BadboySupreme: “With a flick of his magic wand, Norse Loki turns Clint Barton into a sheep!”

ClintBarton: WHAT??

NorseLoki: Haha, enjoy being a sheep, Barton

ClintBarton: Wha-- why-- how--?

ClintBarton: So, what happens to me now?

BadboySupreme: Well, you exist as a sheep until you die

BadboySupreme: I’m sorry to say, but you don’t survive long as a sheep in this game

ClintBarton: NOOOOOO

BadboySupreme: Bucky Barnes's bad brain turns him into a horrible person…”

BuckBarnes: …Ok then.

BadboySupreme: “Mimir eats something he shouldn't have and dies of horrible stomach pains.”

Ghost of Mimir: 😢😢😢

Ghost of Mimir: At least nobody killed me tho

Ghost of PeterParker: That’s a good attitude!

BadboySupreme: “Freya gently pets Clint Barton, who is a sheep.”

ClintBarton: Aw, that’s nice

Freya: :D

BadboySupreme: “Norse Thor goes axe-crazy, chopping King T'Challa and Tony Stark to bits.”

Ghost of TonyStark: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

NorseThor: WOOHOO

Ghost of T’Challa: Well, that’s fun

Ghost of TonyStark: IT’S NOT FAIR!!! WHY DON’T I EVER LAST IN THESE GAMES??

BadboySupreme: Blame the simulation

BadboySupreme: “Hel challenges Wanda Maximoff to a magic duel with her magic wand! Unfortunately for her, Wanda Maximoff has an ancient scepter, and after a few colorful puffs and sparks, there's not much left of Hel.”

Ghost of Hel: HOW DARE YOU

WandaMaximoff: That’s your fault for challenging me.

Ghost of Hel: but-- wha--

Ghost of Hel: SO WHAT?

BadboySupreme: “Sif sics her pet wolf on Demeter! Demeter gets torn to shreds by the ravenous animal!”

Sif: I had a wolf??

Sif: that’s awesome

Ghost of Demeter: I WANT A WOLF NOW 😭

BadboySupreme: well, you can’t

BadboySupreme: ur dead

BadboySupreme: and that concludes round 3!

BadboySupreme: Now is the perfect opportunity for me to disappear for a week! See ya!

*BadboySupreme has gone offline*

Everyone else: valDEZ!!!!!!!!

Ghost of Zeus: seriously, why haven’t we smitted this kid yet?

Hephaestus: because we won’t know who wins if we do

Hephaestus: and he’s MY SON

Ghost of Zeus: ughh fine

*BadboySupreme has gone online*

BadboySupreme: and he’s back--

BadboySupreme: --and he’s gone!

*BadboySupreme has gone offline*

Everyone else: vAldEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

*BadboySupreme has gone online*

BadboySupreme: Guess who’s back folks! Didya miss me?

BadboySupreme: Welcome back to the Greek God/Norse God/Marvel Hunger Games!

BadboySupreme: If you’re just joining us, where the heck have you been?

Poseidon: just. get. on. with. it.

BadboySupreme: Ugh fine

Ghost of Dionysus: e846b9a65d2fe63702032c975389c276

Freya: That’s so random

Ghost of Dionysus: Exactly

Ghost of Dionysus: Since I have nothing to do, I’ll just be posting random memes and funny images

Athena: Great.

BadboySupreme: Round 3!

BadboySupreme: “Apollo spots Norse Thor in the distance, and draws his bow. His arrow flies off, and pierces Norse Thor's heart!”

Apollo: haha awesome

NorseThor: *sobbing noises*

BadboySupreme: “Athena decides to put Clint Barton out of his sheep misery.”

Ghost of ClintBarton: Uh

Ghost of ClintBarton: Thanks?

Athena: Don’t mention it.

BadboySupreme: See what I’ve been saying? Sheep don’t survive!

Ghost of ClintBarton: I get it now, thanks.

BadboySupreme: “Heimdall artfully slices Hermes in two with his sword!”

Ghost of Hermes: 🙀

Ghost of Hermes: allrighty then

Ghost of Dionysus: drawing-the-cat-as-random-cat-memes-day-41-original-in-v0-v054lzb6ok0a1

Apollo: beautiful

Ghost of Dionysus: tyty

BadboySupreme: “With a flick of his ancient scepter, Marvel Loki turns Norse Loki into a sheep!”

NorseLoki: WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

Ghost of ClintBarton: Karma

NorseLoki: TURNED INTO A SHEEP BY THE OTHER ME!!!

MarvelLoki: And don’t you forget it

NorseLoki: Welp--

NorseLoki: It was nice knowing y’all

BadboySupreme: “Hestia gets caught in one of Stephen Strange's traps! All she can do now is hope to be freed…”

Hestia: Oh no! I’ll hopefully be fine

BadboySupreme: “Hephaestus finds Hestia caught in a trap, and manages to free her.”

Hestia: oh nice

Hestia: Thank you, Hephaestus

Hephaestus: anytime

BadboySupreme: “Norse Loki is a sheep and baahs softly.”

NorseLoki: Gee, thanks for the update /s

BadboySupreme: “Poseidon skewers Heimdall and Sif with his pitchfork!”

Ares: bro got the 2 for 1 deal

Poseidon: 🎉

Ghost of Sif: lovely

StephenStrange: Sorry, I had to go away from keyboard saving a multiverse. Am I still alive?

Ghost of PeterParker: Yep!

StephenStrange: Awesome, thanks

Apollo: what multiverse was it?

StephenStrange: One where a bunch of women sat around and complained about their husband

Apollo: oh weird

Athena: Did you mean “husbands?”

StephenStrange: No

Athena: Hmm.

BadboySupreme: onto Round 4!

Ghost of Dionysus: random-funny-memes-5-1

Apollo: 👏

BadboySupreme: “Frey reminisces about Heimdall and sobs quietly.”

Frey: What-- that’s so sad tho 😭😭😭

Ghost of Heimdall: Thanks man

Frey: Of course

BadboySupreme: “Bruce Banner does his best to avoid Marvel Loki.”

MarvelLoki: Ha

BruceBanner: Yeah that sounds about right

BadboySupreme: “Odin tries to kill Bucky Barnes, but Bucky Barnes retaliates and kills him instead.”

BuckyBarnes: Was that you trying to get revenge for what happened earlier?

Ghost of Odin: Probably

BadboySupreme: “Armed with his flamethrower, Hephaestus incinerates Vision to a crisp!”

Hephaestus: nice

WandaMaximoff:...

WandaMaximoff:...

WandaMaximoff: How could you?

WandaMaximoff: HOW COULD YOU??

Hephaestus: uh oh

StephenStrange: Watch out. You’ve angered her

Hephaestus: But it’s not my fault! 😭

WandaMaximoff: The Scarlet Witch will make you pay.

Hephaestus: 👁️👄👁️

Ghost of Dionysus: Screen_Shot_2018-03-30_at_11.34.27_AM

Ghost of Dionysus: ^^ Hephaestus fr

BadboySupreme: “Something inside Wanda Maximoff snaps! Wanda Maximoff is now frenzied!”

WandaMaximoff. Gee. I WONDER WHY?

Hephaestus: i’m screwed, aren’t i?

Ghost of Hermes: yep

BadboySupreme: “Norse Loki is a sheep and grazes peacefully.”

NorseLoki: That’s kinda nice ngl

BadboySupreme: “Stephen Strange calls arcane fury down on Freya, his ancient scepter beaming with an inner rage. For a second, nothing happens. Freya opens her mouth to say something, then starts peeling away, layer by layer.”

Ghost of Freya: dang that was descriptive

StephenStrange: And graphic, too

BadboySupreme: that concludes round 4, y’all

Apollo: if you leave again, I swear--

BadboySupreme: oh you know I’m going to

BruceBanner: Well, who else is left?

BadboySupreme: lemme check

BadboySupreme: You, Wanda, Norse Loki--as a sheep--, Poseidon, Athena, Apollo, Sam,

Stephen, Frey, Frigg, Hephaestus, Ares, Hestia, Bucky and Marvel Loki

Ghost of SteveRogers: O.K., so, fourteen left.

BadboySupreme: yep

Ghost of Dionysus: C3XC5WwuYLn-png__700

Ghost of Dionysus: 694ccac401de61b8e2dfdbad482224d8

Ghost of Dionysus: relatable-funny-memes-66-6329c40882c19__700

Everyone else: ENOUGH

BuckyBarnes: Jesus Christ, man.

*BuckyBarnes has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

SamWilson: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS A CHRISTIAN SWEAR JAR???

Ghost of Hermes: you forgot the trademark

Everyone else: 🤦

Chapter Text

BadboySupreme: shall we continue the games?

Everyone else: OBVIOUSLY

BadboySupreme: okay, round 5!

BadboySupreme: This is gonna take forever at this rate

BadboySupreme: “Hephaestus bludgeons Bruce Banner to death with his big stick!”

Hephaestus: huh, nice

Ghost of BruceBanner: For you, anyway

BadboySupreme: “In a fit of frenzy, Wanda Maximoff creeps up on Hephaestus and slaughters him!”

WandaMaximoff: Good.

Ghost of Hephaestus: I figured that would happen

Ghost of Hephaestus: oh well

WandaMaximoff: I’ve avenged you, Vision.

Ghost of Vision: Thank you, my love.

Ghost of Aphrodite: Awwww I swear you two are soooooo cute together

BadboySupreme: “Norse Loki is a sheep and glances away, a sad look in his eyes.”

NorseLoki: Well, thanks for the update, ig

BadboySupreme: “In an act of betrayal, Poseidon and Athena team up and eliminate Apollo!”

Ghost of Apollo: What the fart guys?

Poseidon: haha L

Ghost of Artemis: AND NOW YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH POSEIDON?

Ghost of Artemis: Srsly? Do I mean nothing to you?

Athena: You’re dead. I had to move on.

Ghost of Dionysus: 1726f9d7b50bd7ef2d077a7fb3a2e577

Athena: Why?

Ghost of Dionysus: why not?

BadboySupreme: “Sam Wilson sobs quietly.”

SamWilson:...

SamWilson: All right then

BadboySupreme: “Stephen Strange ambushes Frey and Frigg, killing them both!”

Ghost of Frey: oh damn

*Ghost of Frey has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

StephenStrange: Huh. Ok then

BadboySupreme: “Marvel Loki fires a rocket at Ares, who gets absolutely blown to bits.”

Ghost of Ares: O.O

Ghost of Ares: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ghost of Ares: why do I never win?? 😭😭😭

MarvelLoki: Sucks for you, I guess

BadboySupreme: onto round 6!

BadboySupreme: “Poseidon ambushes Stephen Strange and kills him!”

Ghost of Ares: YES! THANK YOU POSEIDON

Ghost of Ares: u r now my favorite uncle

Poseidon: um, thanks?

BadboySupreme: “Athena finds herself face-to-face with Bucky Barnes and shoots him dead with her gun!”

Athena: When did I get a gun?

BadboySupreme: um idk

Ghost of BuckyBarnes: Well. That’s… ironic.

BadboySupreme: Marvel Loki fires a rocket at a group of enemies. Poseidon and Hestia are caught in the explosion and are absolutely blown to bits.”

MarvelLoki: I am absolutely LOVING this rocket launcher

Ghost of Hestia: I guess there will be a new champion of the games

Ghost of Poseidon: oh yeah cuz you won the Greek god’s games

Ghost of Hestia: yeah

Ghost of Ares: I still don’t know how you did that tho

BadboySupreme: guys SHUT YOUR FACE HOLES

Ghost of Ares: *grumbles* sorry…

BadboySupreme: “Norse Loki is a sheep and doesn't do much.”

NorseLoki: thanks?

NorseLoki: can’t someone seriously end my sheep misery?

Athena: I would gladly do it if it weren’t a random simulation.

BadboySupreme: next round!

BadboySupreme: “In a fit of frenzy, Wanda Maximoff creeps up on Sam Wilson and kills him dead!”

Ghost of SamWilson: Oh, yay, not

BadboySupreme: “Athena fires her gun at Marvel Loki, but misses…”

Athena: Since when do I have a gun?

BadboySupreme: idk

BadboySupreme: “Marvel Loki can't wait to kill again…”

MarvelLoki: Yeah that sounds right

BadboySupreme: gods, this is taking forever

BadboySupreme: why did I agree to this?

NorseLoki: just keep going

Ghost of Hestia: Who’s left?

BadboySupreme: ummmmmm it’s just Athena, Norse Loki, Marvel Loki, and Wanda

WandaMaximoff: So, we can finish this soon?

BadboySupreme: i guess

BadboySupreme: onto round 9!

BadboySupreme: “Norse Loki is a sheep and doesn't do much.”

NorseLoki: Seriously, how am I still alive???

MarvelLoki: Even I don’t know

MarvelLoki: Oh well, I guess I will have to bring glory to the Loki name, because someone else won’t…

NorseLoki: EXCUSE ME??

MarvelLoki: What? It’s not my fault I’m burdened with glorious purpose.

NorseLoki: And it’s NOT MY FAULT I’M A SHEEP

BadboySupreme: *agressively clears throat*

BadboySupreme: In a fit of frenzy, Wanda Maximoff creeps up on Marvel Loki and slaughters him!”

Ghost of MarvelLoki: 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

NorseLoki: you were saying?

Ghost of MarvelLoki: but-- what-- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BadboySupreme: Next round!

BadboySupreme: “Athena artfully slices Wanda Maximoff in two with her sword!”

Ghost of WandaMaximoff: Oh.

Ghost of WandaMaximoff: Okay then.

BadboySupreme: Next round!

BadboySupreme: where nothing happens

BadboySupreme: great

BadboySupreme: I’ll just keep going until something happens

Ghost of TonyStark: I love how almost everyone basically went AFK.

Ghost of SteveRogers: Yeah, literally.

BadboySupreme: oh here we go. Round 13!

BadboySupreme: “Athena gets cocky and ends up dying from a stupid mistake.”

Ghost of Athena: 😯😯😯

Ghost of Athena: Wha… how… how could this happen?

NorseLoki: Wait does that mean I won?

BadboySupreme: I… I guess so

NorseLoki: HAHAHAHAHAHA I WIN SUCKERS

BadboySupreme: In all my years of living, I have NEVER seen anyone win as a sheep

Poseidon: was that an Epic the Musical reference?

BadboySupreme: Maybe 😜

Apollo: omg speaking of which have you guys listened to the Circe Saga yet?

Hermes: YES IT’S AMAZING

Hermes: Troy as me is such a mood

Apollo: FR THO

NorseLoki: *clears throat*

NorseLoki: guys, guys, don’t change the subject

NorseLoki: or did you forget I won AS A FRICKEN SHEEP??

NorseLoki: HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN???

StephenStrange: I don’t know.

Apollo: that’s honestly a w, dude

NorseLoki: ty

Poseidon: consider my timbers shivered

Hera: ?

Poseidon: Pirate joke. Dw about it

Hera: 🤦

Hestia: Well, now that the game is done, what now?

Hermes: I’m not sure

Hermes: we could just hang out

Hermes: but I gtg so don’t hang without me

Everyone else: UGH

Hermes: what? Excuse me for having a job!

Zeus: we have jobs

Zeus: it’s just yours is more demanding

Dionysus: 13-64f1d9f04a73b__700

Dionysus: OH WAIT SHIT WRONG GC

Dionysus: ignore that

Ares: wait WHAT OTHER GC ARE YOU IN??

*6 minutes later*

Ares: DIONYSUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

*5 minutes later*

Ares: ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Chapter Text

Ares: so…

Ares: are we just not gonna talk about the meme Dionysus sent?

Dionysus: nope

Ares: 🤦

Hermes: Welcome to Olympic Water Park! It’s always nice to see new customers!

Artemis: i’m sorry what

Hermes: I’m the head of the park, Mr. Henry Trismegistus, and I wanted to welcome you personally to my water park!

Zeus: Hermes, what are you on?

Hermes Henry: Who’s Hermes? My name is Henry.

Henry: And why do you act like we know each other?

Artemis: because we do?

Poseidon: and wdym there’s a water park?

Henry: Well, you’re in my water park after all! See for yourself!

*10 seconds later*

Zeus: WHAT IS THIS????

Hera: WHY IS MOUNT OLYMPUS COVERED IN WATER AND SLIDES???

Ares: oh gods, there’s so many children

Ares: *shudders*

Hephaestus: WHY IS MY APARTMENT AN AQUARIUM?

Zeus: Hermes, why is Mount Olympus covered in a water park?

Henry: I already told you, my name is not Hermes; it’s Henry.

Zeus: ok, Henry, why is Mount Olympus, our HOME, covered in a water park?

Henry: Home? Gosh, don’t be silly. No one lives on the mountain. It’s been a water park since forever.

Hades: what is happening?

Apollo: i don’t even know anymore

Apollo: OOH there’s a slide!

Apollo: brb guys

Dionysus: does Hermes not remember us?

Zeus: I don’t think so

Hera: so where’s our home?

Henry: Wait, do you folks think you used to LIVE on this mountain?

Athena: Yes! We’re the Olympian gods for a reason.

Henry: What are the Olympian gods?

Demeter: *blinks aggresively*

Demeter: are you serious?

Henry: Yeah, I’m serious. Who are the Olympian gods?

Aphrodite: the greek gods? As in us?

Henry: Greece doesn’t have any gods… Greece doesn’t even have it’s own religion. Are you sure you folks are feeling okay?

Everyone else: O.O

Ares: wait, does this mean we aren’t real??

Ares: maybe Freddy Kreuger was right all along

Ares: WE AREN’T REAL!!!

Ares: *screams and runs around like a headless chicken*

Hera: is he trying to gaslight us?

Zeus: probably

Zeus: well then, if Greece doesn’t have a religion, who do the people believe in?

Henry: The Power of Friendship.

Henry: Also the power of a religious vase that collects money every time someone sins.

Henry: It’s a long story.

Everyone else: *aggresively blinks*

Athena: None of this makes any sense.

Artemis: omg why is Apollo going down a slide right now?

Apollo: *from a distance* WEEEEEEEEEE

Zeus: hey look! There’s Hecate in the park. Maybe she’ll know what’s going on

Zeus: Hecate!

Hecate: Who’s Hecate? My name is Helen, and I’m just watching my kid play in the pool. What do you want?

Everyone else: …

Everyone else: *screams in confusion*

Hecate Helen: Hey, Mr. Henry, are they okay?

Henry: I don’t think so.

Henry: They seem to think they live on this mountain.

Helen: Weird.

Aphrodite: do we just not exist??

Zeus: I… I don’t know what to believe anymore

Zeus: Well, looks like our entire lives were all lies

Zeus: now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit on a rock and contemplate the meaning of life

Henry:...

Henry and Helen: APRIL FOOLS!!!!

Hephaestus: huh?

Henry Hermes: don’t worry guys

Hermes: this was all an april fool’s day prank

Hermes: Hecate, if you’d please remove the illusion

Helen Hecate: my pleasure

Hecate: *weird witchy magic*

*Mount Olympus is back to normal*

*Apollo lands on his butt after the slide disappears*

Apollo: ow!

Hera: oh thank the gods it was only a prank

Zeus: HERMES! YOU GAVE ME AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS WITH THAT PRANK!

Hermes: that was the whole point

Hermes: it’s the first of April, after all

Dionysus: I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT 😭😭😭😭

Dionysus: I would’ve pranked you all so hard

Demeter: i gotta admit, that was a good prank

Demeter: good job, Hermes!

Hermes: why thank you

Hermes: I couldn’t do it without Hecate, though

Hecate: it was simple magic to make it look like the mountain was covered in a water park

Hecate: you should’ve seen your faces 🤣🤣

Hermes: yeah you were all like “What??” and “HOW?” 🤣🤣

Zeus: 😡

Zeus: that’s it, I’m disowning you

Hermes: WHAT??

Zeus: jk April Fools!!

Poseidon: idk tho, I kinda miss the water park

Poseidon: I’ve always wanted to see Mount Olympus as a water park

Zeus: that’s also a prank, right?

Poseidon:...

Zeus: right??

Zeus: POSEIDON ANSWER ME

Chapter Text

TonyStark: god we leave for 1 day and THIS is what happens??

*TonyStark has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Apollo: yeah sounds about right

Hermes: wait y’all left?

NatashaRomanoff: Yeah, duh

NatashaRomanoff: We don’t exactly have time to just sit around

ClintBarton: We have jobs, you know

Zeus: well, so do we!

Zeus: technically

Zeus: I mean, we don’t really do anything anyway

Freya: We’ve read the messages. We can tell.

Hermes: wow gang alright then

Frigg: So… what now?

Apollo: we… um

Apollo: talk about… something?

Hera: does Apollo have nothing to talk about for once?

Artemis: THANK THE GODS

Apollo: hey!

TonyStark: If we don’t have anything else to do in this group chat then we’ll be on our way

Dionysus: awww ok bye squad

Apollo: 🎵 So long, farewell, Auf Wiederseh'n, goodbye! 🎵

Artemis: 🤦

Apollo: *defensively* What? It’s a good musical!

Frey: you said it!

Apollo: SEE? THANK YOU NORSE EQUIVALENT OF ME

Frey: You’re wel-- I’m sorry what

Apollo: nothing neverming you heard nothing

Apollo: *nevwrnid

Apollo: *nmwbejmien

Apollo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GANG I CAN’T SPELL NAYMORE

Athena: *Anymore.

Apollo:...

Apollo:...

*Apollo has dramatically vanished from the group chat like the absolute queen he is*

MarvelLoki: Anywho, we’ll be going now

Avengers: Goodbye!

Olympians and Norse Gods: Bye!

*The Avengers have left the group chat*

Hermes: aw that’s actually so sad tho

Hermes: why does everyone have to leave our group chat 🤣

Aphrodite: ?

Hermes: WHOOPS misclick

Hermes: I meant 😭

Odin: Speaking of leaving, I think we need to be on our way, too

Hermes: NOOOOOOOOO

Freya: hanging out was fun, tho

Hermes: well y’all are welcome back anytime!

Zeus: so the chaos can continue even longer? Yay! /s

Zeus: wait that sounded rude

Hera: everything you type sounds rude

Zeus: EXCUSE ME?

Hera: oh I’m sorry. Was that rude?

Zeus:...

Zeus: I’m sorry, but the sass coming from this side of the room is immeasurable

Hera: thanks. I try.

Odin: *clears throat* Like I said, we should be going

Poseidon: alrighty, bye!

Norse Gods: Bye!

Olympians: Bye!

Hermes: bye!

Norse Gods: Bye!

Olympians: Bye!

Norse Gods: BYE

Olympians: BYE

Njord: … allright we’re just gonna go

*The Norse Gods have left the group chat*

*silence*

*cricket noises*

*cricket noises*

*cricket n--*

*Hades has squished the cricket with his dident*

Demeter: bro

Demeter: what the heck

Hades: my bad

Hestia: Guys, what should we talk about?

Zeus: idk

Hermes: wait I just remembered

Hermes: with all the chaos of the avengers and norse gods

Hermes: WE NEVER LISTENED TO THE REST OF EPIC THE MUSICAL

*Cue dramatic music*

*Apollo has rejoined the group chat*

Apollo: I’VE BEEN SUMMONED

Apollo: HOW HAVE Y’ALL NOT LISTENED TO THE REST OF EPIC???

Athena: Because we haven’t had time?

Apollo: Y’ALL MISSED LIKE 2 SAGAGAGAGAGAS

Dionysus: bro wtf

Apollo: sorry i’m a little too excited

Hermes: no I feel you

Hermes: we should have another EPIC listening party

Apollo: YESSSS

Apollo: but we CANNOT and I mean CANNOT listen to the original recordings of the Troy and Cyclops sagas

Hermes: omg yeah

Hermes: #BOYCOTT TROY AND CYCLOPS SAGAS

Apollo: BOYCOTT!!!

Poseidon: wait why?

Aphrodite: weren’t you both just raving about epic?

Apollo: yeah but the original producer of Epic wasn’t giving the creator royalties for the songs and he tried to sue him when he found out he was making more sagas or smth like that

Hermes: so the cast rerecorded all the songs from the troy and cyclops sagas and released them under their own company

Ares: holy shit bro

Hermes: yeah it’s bad

Hermes: so it’s like Taylor’s version but Jorge’s version

Dionysus: ahh okie dokie

Hephaestus: anyways, should we listen to the new sagas?

Apollo: Yep! Let’s start with the underworld saga

Apollo: *ghost noises* sPoOoOooOoOkY

Hades: I’m taking that personally apollo

Apollo: ok boomer

Apollo and Hermes: *snickers*

*Listens to the Underworld Saga*

Zeus:...

Zeus: I’m never going to emotionally recover from this

Ares: I’m so proud of Odysseus tho

Ares: BECOME THE MONSTER! BE THE MONSTER!

Artemis: AAAHH that was so good!

Apollo: but it gets even better!

Apollo: a lot happens in the Thunder Saga so we’ll listen to the songs one at a time

Zeus: thunder saga?

Zeus: oOoOooOooO could this saga be about meEeE?

Hera: 🤦

*Listens to Suffering from the Thunder Saga*

Poseidon: what

Poseidon: i’m so confused

Ares: same

Ares: like

Ares: PENELOPE?

Ares: girl where’d you materialize from?

Dionysus: that song was kind of a banger tho

Athena: I think I know what’s going on.

Apollo: let’s just keep going

*Listens to Different Beast from the Thunder Saga*

Demeter: huh

Demeter: that makes sense now

Ares: YES ODYSSEUS IS THE BEAST NOW

Ares: I’m so here for his character arc

*Listens to Scylla from the Thunder Saga*

Dionysus: well that’s gonna give me nightmares

Morpheus: I can arrange that

Dionysus: 👀👀

Dionysus: NAURRRR

Artemis: i was not ready for that betrayal

*Listens to Mutiny from the Thunder Saga*

Zeus: IT’S MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hera: yes yes we know!

Hades: that was amazing

Hades: i was NOT ready for that betrayal

Persephone: wait who stabbed Odysseus?

Apollo: some rando named Perimedes

Hermes: yeah he’s a minor character who used to have the funniest song about yeeting a baby off a tower 😂

Demeter: wut

Apollo: lmao that was Elpenor’s reaction

Poseidon: who’s Elpenor?

Hermes: another rando who died falling off Circe’s roof

Dionysus: oof

Dionysus: what a way to go

Apollo: and he was drunk too

Dionysus: AW COME ON

Apollo: anywayy

Zeus: time for my song!!

Hera: *aggresive eye roll*

*Listens to Thunder Bringer from the Thunder Saga*

Zeus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Zeus: that is handsdown the greatest song that has ever graced my beautiful ears

Demeter: oh no

Demeter: he’s gonna have an even bigger ego now

Zeus: obviously

Artemis: are we not gonna talk about that emotional tramua at the end of the song?

Zeus: nope!

Zeus: whenever i have to smite mortals ima be singing that song

Hera: dear lord

*Hera has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Zeus: im gonna go MAKE IT THUNDER

Zeus: 🎵Thunder, bring her through the wringer: show her I'm the judgment call, the one who makes her kingdom fall🎵

Everyone: 🎵LIGHTNING WIELD HER, USE AND WIEEEEEELD HER! SHOW HER WHAT SHE CAN’T CONCEAL, FOR TRUE NATURE WILL BE REVEALED🎵

Zeus: Tell me… 😏😏😏 Odysseus…

Hera: aaaaand we’re done here

Zeus: awwwwww

Chapter Text

Apollo: guys

Apollo: we got a little bit of a problem

Hestia: what happened?

Apollo: me dionysus and hermes were frolicking through a field of flowers--

Artemis: I’m sorry, frolicking??

Apollo: yes, frolicking.

Apollo: you got a problem with that?

Artemis: no I just think it’s really funny 🤣🤣🤣

Apollo: 🙄🙄

Apollo: ANYWAYS

Hermes: yeah we think Dionysus might’ve eaten some lotus flowers

Athena: Why do you say that?

Dionysus: DIF SOMEONE SAY MY NAMEE??

Dionysus: HELLOOO

Dionysus: IT;S ME YA BOI DIONSYSU

Dionysus: DIONSYDWYH

Dionysus: DIONSUSU

Dionysus: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Athena: Hm. That’s why you say that.

Ares: so… what are we gonna do with him?

Athena: I have an idea.

Dionysus: of coirsae yum dov

Hermes: I think he said “of course you do”

Apollo: how in Tartarus would you know that?

Hermes: I can read gibberish, remember?

Apollo: *blinks*

Apollo: RIGHT

Apollo: wow I completely forgot

Apollo: okay, what am I saying right now?

Apollo: xdfc gvbhgfc bgfdfv bhvghb n gftffgv gffv gfxdrfghb hggxzszxfvb yC?

Hermes:...

Hermes: no Apollo, I don’t want to dress up like a cowboy and invade Portugal

Apollo: thats what I said?!?

Athena: *clears throat*

Athena: Remember? My idea?

Hermes: oh right yeah

Athena: I am going to find Asclepius, the god of medicine. He may be able to help Dionysus. I’ll be right back. In the meantime, keep an eye on Dionysus.

*Athena has gone offline*

Ares: well that’s easier said than done!

Ares: Dionysus is bouncing off the walls rn!

Dionysus: WEEEEEEEEEE-- oof

Dionysus: WEEEEEEEEE-- oof

Dionysus: WEEEEEEEEEEEE-- oof

Dionysus: the wall aont no fjun

Hermes: “the wall ain’t no fun”

Artemis: so basically Dionysus is acting like a 5 year old

Ares: seems like it

BadboySupreme: see kids? This is why you don’t eat lotus flowers or other substances, if ya know what I mean

BadboySupreme: *staring intensifies*

Everyone else:...

Demeter: i have so many questions

Apollo: like why?

Hestia: and where have you been?

BadboySupreme: nowhere

BadboySupreme: and everywhere

BadboySupreme: *slinks into the shadows and disappears*

Everyone else:...

Hermes: oookay then

Artemis: guys

Artemis: where’d Dionysus go??

Apollo: oh I think I see him in the field

Apollo: he’s running around

Ares: all right guys

Ares: i think this calls for the ultimate mother to deal with this child

Everyone: *turns to Hera*

Hera:...

Hera: why me?

Hermes: because you’re like the ultimate mama!

Hermes: and you’re the most scary out of all of us

Ares: it’s true

Hera: *blinks*

Hera: ugh fine

Hera: but don’t ever call me that again

Hermes: deal!

Hera: *approaches Dionysus*

Dionysus: OMGG HERRA HIIIII

*Dionysus has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hera: Hi there little guy!

Hera: *to the others* Ugh why do I sound like that

Apollo: just keep going!

Hera: *to Dionysus* I'll need you to come back to Olympus with us, okay?

Dionysus: NOOOOOO I WANNA STAY HERE

Hera:...

Hera: YOUNG MAN I'M GOING TO COUNT TO 3

Hera: YOU WON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET TO 3

Dionysus: pfft you dont scare me

Hera: ONE

Dionysus:...

Hera: TWO

Dionysus:...

Hera: THREE

Hera: that's it. No more tv for you.

Dionysus: NOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Dionysus: allright I'll go with you

Hera: good.

Ares: that was so scary oml

*Ares has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hera: *cracking knuckles* And don’t you forget it

Ares: O.O

BadboySupreme: Meanwhile! Back on Olympus…

Artemis: why is he always narrating us

Demeter: yeah like what are we in a story or something?

Everyone: *aggresive blinking*

Everyone: NAh

*Athena and Ascelpius have gone online*

Athena: Hello everyone. We’re back.

Dionysus: YAYAYAY

Asclepius: Yep. Classic sign of Lotus consumption.

Hestia: so how do we cure him?

Asclepius: He’ll just have to take a long nap and the effect should wear off before then.

Asclepius: I’ve already contacted Hypnos and he should be on his way now.

*Hypnos has materialized behind Apollo*

Hypnos: boo

Apollo: *jumps* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

Hypnos: gets em every time lmaoo

Hypnos: anyways

Hypnos: *touches Dionysus’ forehead*

Dionysus: WHAT ARE YA DOING I DONT WANNA GO TO--

Dionysus: *falls asleep*

Hermes: we did it!

Hermes: crisis averted!

Apollo: woohoo!

Aphrodite: so… what now?

Ares: idk

Artemis: I’d like to revisit the whole frolicking thing

Apollo: whyyyy 😭😭

Hermes: all I’m gonna say is what happens with the bros stays with the bros

Apollo: agreed

Chapter Text

Zeus: *hums Thunder Bringer*

Zeus: *continues to hum Thunder Bringer*

Demeter: STOP IT YOU’RE GONNA RUIN AN AMAZING SONG

Zeus: but I need it to get in the zone

Zeus these lightning bolts ain’t gonna throw themselves yk

Everyone else: 🤦

Apollo: wait

Apollo: guys

Apollo: WE HAVEN’T LISTENED TO THE WISDOM SAGAGAGAGA

Apollo: I meant saga

Apollo: sorry yall I got a little excited

Dionysus: DID SOMESOME SAY WISDOM SAGA

Hephaestus: where’d you come from?

Artemis: yeah weren’t you asleep?

Dionysus: I was

Dionysus: but I heard “wisdom saga” and that summoned me

Hera: you’re not still loopy are you?

Dionysus: not anymore than usual! 🙃🙃

Dionysus: cd4343de0e337741f0c10b9ec91a89ba
2fde4a59c4ae85c356c6cff49cd15acc

Dionysus: sorry gang that was really random

Everyone else: 🤦

Apollo: anyways

Apollo: WISDOM SAGA

*Listens to Legendary from the Wisdom Saga*

Artemis: aww I love telemachus

Artemis: he’s such a cinnamon roll

Athena: Agreed.

Demeter: OMG I HATE ANTINOUS

*Demeter has contributed to the Christian Swear Jar™*

Hera: I KNOW

Hera: you CANNOT get away with calling my girl Penelope a tramp.

Zeus: this saga is so good so far

Zeus: but it would be even better with me

Hera: 🤦

Apollo: next song!

*Listens to Little Wolf from the Wisdom Saga*

Apollo: ATHENAAAAAAAAAAAA

Athena: Yay! I’m back.

Athena: I missed me.

Ares: that was SUCH a bop

Ares: that genuinely felt like a boss fight from a video game

Ares: I am SO HERE FOR IT

*Listens to We’ll Be Fine*

Hestia: awww that was so wholesome

Hermes: I’m tearing up ngl

*Listens to Love In Paradise from the Wisdom Saga*

Everyone:...

Everyone:...

Apollo: i have so many things to say about this

Apollo: first of all

Apollo: THE TIME DIVE WAS SO FRICKEN COOL

Hermes: IK

Hermes: hey athena do you have that power irl?

Athena: I don’t think so.

Athena: But that would be very cool.

Apollo: secondly

Apollo: CALYPSO HOW DARE YOUUUU

Aphrodite: the music was such a bop tho

Poseidon: yeah I agree

Artemis: and HOW DARE SHE BRING UP POLITES

Dionysus: that part was so sad 😭😭😭

Apollo: I think at this point Mr Jorgy Gorgy loves torturing us

Hephaestus: I’m sorry Mr Jorgy Gorgy?

Apollo: U don’t know Mr Jorgy Gorgy?

Apollo: Mr Jalapeno?

Apollo: Mr. Jorgenborg Borgonbong?

Apollo: Jimbo Pimbo?

Apollo: OH RIGHT y’all don’t watch his random tiktoks

Hephaestus: no should we?

Apollo: yes absolutely

Apollo: there are times he’s even more unhinged than I am

Artemis: WOAH but I thought that was impossible

Apollo: 😒😒

Hades: what’s the next song?

Apollo: God Games!

Ares: woah like as in us?

Demeter: who else would it be?

Ares: idk the Aztec gods?

Demeter: 🤦

Demeter: I give up

*Listens to the beginning of God Games from the Wisdom Saga*

Everyone: AAAAAAAHHHH

Hades: WHERE IS HADES?!?

Apollo: IT’S MEEEEEEE

Hephaestus: and me

Aphrodite: there’s a lot of gods in this song

Ares: yep

Hera: whoever voices me sounds so good so far

Hera: that “groovy” is utter perfection

Hermes: gRoOooOooOvY

Hermes: I still think I should’ve been included in the games of the gods

Athena: But there wouldn’t even be a fight. Hermes in EPIC would instantly want to release Odysseus.

Hermes: yeah true

Hermes: but like

Hermes: IT’S ME DAWLING

Apollo: anyways

Apollo: let’s listen to the different levels one at a time

Athena: O.K.

*Listens to Level One: Apollo*

Athena: I feel like that was a very easy fight, not going to lie.

Apollo: *squeels*

Apollo: I LOVE the dude voicing me

Apollo: also that music was cookin

*Listens to Level Two: Hephaestus*

Apollo: HEFEFUF

Apollo: HEFEFUF

Apollo: sorry you had to be there

Hephaestus: that was pretty cool

Hephaestus: and yay I’m in the musical!

Zeus: epic hephaestus sounds a lot like Jorge

Apollo: hmm I wonder why

*Listens to Level Three and Level Four: Aphrodite and Ares*

Ares: THAT WAS SO EPIC

Ares: pun absolutely intended

Athena: I love this song so far!

Aphrodite: same

*Listens to Level Five: Hera*

Hera:...

Hera:...

Hera: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Zeus: 😠😠

Zeus: Athena’s cunning, I’ll give her that.

Hera: oy my gosh I can’t 😂😂😂

Hera: “never once has he cheated on his wife” 😂😂

Hera: also the disco vibes are top notch 🕺

*Listens to the rest of God Games from the Wisdom Saga*

Everyone:...

Everyone: *sits there in disbelief*

Hermes: THAT’S HOW IT ENDS?!?!?!?!

Athena: Did I die?

Athena: Did Zeus kill me?

Zeus: did I kill my fav--

Zeus: I mean my child

Zeus: I never said favorite

Zeus: YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING

Zeus:...

Zeus: I think I need to be alone right now

*Zeus has left the group chat*

Demeter: ok then

Apollo: ok it’s official Jorgy loves torturing us

Dionysus: “but last I checked goddesses can’t die” right?

Dionysus: RIGHT??

Dionysus: I NEED TO KNOW

Apollo: well maybe we’ll find out on halloween

Aphrodite: pardon moi?

Apollo: yeah the vengeance saga is getting released on halloween

Ares: YOOOOOOO

Poseidon: YESSSSS GET IN THE WATERRRR

Apollo: on an unrelated note gang we should all go trick or treating

Hermes: ABSOLUTELY

Dionysus: and know it’s time for the singing of a song

Hephaestus: whyyy

Apollo: we do it every time

Apollo: it’s basically a tradition now

Dionysus: 🎶Give me sirens and a cyclops!🎶

Apollo: 🎶Give me giants and a hydra!🎶

Artemis: 🎶I know life and fate are scary but I wanna be legendary!🎶

Everyone: 🎶I’ll fight the harpies and chimeras! The Minotaurs even Cereberus! I know life and fate are scary, but I wanna be--🎶

Apollo: LE-LE-LE-LE-LEGENDARY

Apollo: sorry I had to

Chapter Text

*The Demigods have gone online*

SeaweedBrain: heyo look who’s here!

BadboySupreme: GUESS WHO’S BACK

Hermes: WOOHOO

Apollo: the demigods are back!