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Feemor really wished the Temple floor would open up and swallow him, or a wall, he wasn't that fussy, a wall would do. Everyone looked at him, the first Padawan of the one who had failed his second. They avoided him as soon as they saw him, naturally walking away, as if nothing had happened, as if he didn't feel like his heart was being ripped out every time he was ignored. Qui-Gon himself no longer spoke to him, mostly left alone or with Knight Tahl, his 'secret' girlfriend. In a brief vengeful impulse, Feemor felt the need to spread the word of their relationship, to show the Temple and all his comrades that the man who had taught him was not a great and noble Jedi but instead a man full of weaknesses, a man who had failed his second Padawan when even Feemor could see the failure that it would be. He wasn't stupid, Xanatos wasn't bad per se, he was a bit of an arrogant kid, but there were plenty of others, arrogant, talented kids who liked to show off and impress their peers.
Except that this kind of child needed more attention, more diversity, not to be put on a pedestal. He was never corrected, never reprimanded, never punished. Feemor had witnessed it with his own eyes, when Qui-Gon promised to punish Xanatos after he insulted a Mon Calamari boy his own age… he had simply sent him to his room to do his homework.
- Have you had time to reflect on your behaviour?
- Yes, Master.
And that was that. Qui-Gon had prepared a child to Fall, no one really cared, and anyway the Jedi would not let anyone tell him what to do with his Padawan. Qui-Gon himself was arrogant like that. Feemor didn't hate Xanatos, even though he was really aggressive and childish, precisely because he was young, he wasn't wise, he wasn't fair, but... that was normal, right? He was a child and then a teenager with no anchor other than an arrogant maverick whom no one could calm down and who took advantage of his extensive network in the political world to protect himself against the Order and the High Council. And now he was gone, expelled after trying to kill Qui-Gon. Feemor couldn't understand how Xanatos could have done it, he still didn't know what could have made him do it, it was... it was just incomprehensible. Even his idea of divulging Qui-Gon's secret, Feemor would never do it, not least because he knew that everyone would accuse him of doing it for revenge and probably also of lying to hurt his former Master's reputation. Feemor wasn't stupid, he didn't want to attract more attention. So for Xanatos to go so far as to try to kill his Master...
The Jedi Knight took a slow breath and tried not to break out of his meditation despite the difficult thoughts. He had to keep his composure through any kind of thought, not let himself being eaten up with doubt or pain.
Really, Feemor... I couldn’t be more proud.
Clearly, that was no longer the case.
I'm sure Master Yoda will soon assign you a student of your own. And that will be a lucky child indeed.
... and now that hope was dead and buried. Feemor had wanted a Padawan for many years but had waited patiently, hoping that one day he would feel a child in the Force calling him. Now he knew that would never happen, and even if it did, he would not answer. No child deserved to be treated the way Feemor had being treated these days.
- Feemor.
The Jedi Knight jumped up to his feet, surprised.
- Master Windu.
He'd recognized his voice before he'd even seen him, Master Windu did have a presence that commanded respect. But overall, he earned that respect by his words and deeds, so Feemor had no problem respecting him.
Then an insidious thought emerged in his mind and left him terrified, frozen in irrational fear. Master Windu had recently become the leader of the Jedi... had he come to ask Feemor to leave the Order?
- Would you follow me?
- Of course.
Eyes lingered on them, but fortunately Master Windu led them into quieter, secluded corridors.
- Xanatos is fine.
Feemor glanced at the Jedi.
- "Xanatos," he repeated in a flat tone.
- Your brother-Padawan. Not a very good brother, as far as I know, but still a Padawan.
- "Xanatos has left the Order," Feemor reminded him softly.
He didn't understand what Master Windu was getting at. And why was he telling him about Xanatos?
- We have spoken. Xanatos needs another Master and to get away from the Temple, from Qui-Gon, so I sent him to a Sector Guardian to receive her wisdom and teaching.
- Aren't you afraid he'll try to kill this Jedi?
- Unless she resurrects his biological father to kill him again, I don't think so. He's lost and desperate, but he's not a demon.
Feemor stopped dead at those words, blinking slowly at the Jedi Master, who stopped a bit further when he saw that he wasn't following.
- I beg your pardon?
- "Qui-Gon killed Xanatos' biological father. I'm not saying he has no responsibility for what happened, just that he's not the only one responsible. It was Qui-Gon who let him down, not the Order. As for you," Feemor tensed involuntarily, "I've arranged with Master Drallig to find you a temporary solution to your delicate situation".
- Uh?
At a gesture from Korun, he moved forward and stumbled into a workroom after being literally pushed in.
- What-
- Ah, Feemor, there you are.
- Master Drallig, how are you?
- Probably better than you, boy. I'm sorry I don't have much time, I have to escort Master Nu to retrieve an artifact in the Outer Rim. Master Windu and I talked about you, I wanted to offer you a job as a Temple Guard until the tension subsides, what do you think?
He would still be a Jedi.
No one would look at him like a bomb waiting to blow up.
There would be a meaning to his life once again.
- I accept, thank you very much.
Master Drallig squeezed his wrist with a nod that Feemor knew was his equivalent of a smile and offered a brief hug.
- Don't thank me, it's normal, and thank Windu for helping me divert the paperwork. Sorry, I really have to go, but I'll get back to you as soon as I get home.
- Have a safe journey, Master Drallig.
- Thank you, Junior Student Guard in Training!
For the first time in three dark weeks, Feemor laughed.