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Burning out like a star was not a preferable way to go. But seeing the newfound passion in Shuichi’s eyes was almost enough to clear his head and change Kaito’s mind.
Maybe burning out wasn’t the right word- or words, rather. He isn’t burned out just yet. He still has the kindled flames that he had held close since the beginning. He wasn’t done burning though his sidekick’s burdens just yet. He had a job to do, damnit. He wasn’t going to stop until they could face the world head on.
No wonder why he feels so selfish.
Momota is selfish. He’s a hypocrite, too. That much is obvious. He’ll water down his own troubles and dump them out onto a road on a hot summer day. He told himself he would unpack all of those later. And he’s selfish for feeling the way he did. His emotions tugging at his heartstrings every which way.
Shooing aside his rambles, Kaito sets his eyes on the raven-haired introvert. He doubts you you could classify Shuichi one of those on in moment. He’s surrounded by their classmates, both outgoing and recluse. Sure, he certainly look flustered and messes with his bangs- a habit he had picked up on the days he had abandoned his hat- but he seems happy. The Shuichi he knew months ago would have slipped away the moment he could.
Kaito’s proud. He really is. He isn’t lying to himself when he says that. Watching Shuichi overcome a hearty amount of his fears after nights doesn’t breaking down over self-hatred and his own struggles. This kind of thing had been his goal all along. Shuichi going from a shallow husk to a shining star. All those hours and nightly sessions spent in the courtyard with his sidekicks certainly weren’t spent fucking around. He had listened, talked, and shared his life with the two of them. They had eventually come to do the same.
He feels so shadowed as he stands at the back of the mini-crowd. So pushed back. He should be happy that Shuichi didn’t need him for anything like that anymore. Not entirely, anyway. And the latter would send him a sign if he wanted to get out of the situation.
But why did he want that? Why was he so obsessive?
Drowning himself out, he lays his eyes on Shuichi. His elbows hold firm on the desk behind him. It’s what stops him from falling to the ground in this mindset.
He hated this mindset. No, he despised it. He hated the clawing feeling at his gut and the intuitive thoughts that filled his head. The self-consciousness.
He hardly notices when he’s approached by another.
A figure stands at his side, frame considerably shorter than him yet still menacing nonetheless.
“Hey Makiroll, what’s up?” He asks, preying his eyes away from Shuichi and to the one at his side. Unfortunately for him, he’s rubbed off into Maki a bit too much for his liking when it comes to the present. Despite the look she’s giving him bring blank, he can see her trying to match up the puzzle pieces through her eyes.
“Nothing. Why would there be anything happening? You know my routine.” She deadpans. Kaito can only give her a side eye and sigh. He swears he can’t tell her humor apart from her sincerity half the time.
“What’s wrong with you,” she asks in partially concerned tone, pursing her lips. “Last time I checked, you weren’t some psycho theater kid junkie.”
He laughs at the joke. It’s stupid, but she certainly had a knack for making people laugh when she was trying hard enough. The laughter faded out, though. He tries not to let his face fall. “I’m fine, really. Just thinking. Observing. You know me.” He shrugs.
It’s her turn to roll her eyes now. She clamors up onto the desk and sits on it, having no regard for cleanliness. Her legs swing off the side. If she’s trying to get herself comfortable then he knows that he’s about to be lectured for something or another.
“Oma’s lying is torture enough. You’re a fucking hypocrite if you think you can get away with lying to me,” she states bluntly. “You blabber nonstop about opening up to others. So talk to me or some shit. I can’t help, but I can listen.”
“It’s nothing, really.” He argues. Maki probably didn’t wanna hear about his relationship issues. She third wheeled enough as it is.
Lying wasn’t exactly his strong suit. He was an open and vocal person. If something pissed him off, he was going to speak on it. Others’ opinions be damned. Great. Now he was feeling stupid too.
“Don’t talk to me. Whatever. But whatever’s going on is your head is only going to build up. Talk to whoever you’re struggling with about it.” She iterates in response to his silence.
“You stole that quote from me.”
“I know I did. But sometimes, you just need to take you own advice.”
“You stole that, too.”
“Then call me a thief or whatever. Nothing I’m new to.” She clamors off the desk, pushing her hair or of her face and dusting off her clothes. He can’t help but feel defeated from the look that she gives him. Her eyes move from him to the crowd.
“Talk to him. That’s what you’re so bugged about, right? You’re good at talking.” She advises before turning on her heel and walking away.
Momota is left knowing that she’s right.
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Their nightly training sessions were like a sanctuary to the three. A place to be free from the weight of perfection and standards that they typically held themselves to. Kaito had hardly noticed it until now.
An owl questions the night not too far away and Kaito questions if he actually wants to take Maki’s advice. She hasn’t brought anything up. In fact, her conversation about Shuichi is frivolous. They’re taking about the unlikeliness that their teacher will get to grading anytime soon. Nothing along the lines of his feelings.
He doesn’t comment on anything. He’s not exactly obsessed with doing the work like they were. That was if he even did it at all. It wasn’t mandatory. It just helped to pass the practical exams.
Sprawled on the grass, they all lay under the stars. His legs are crossed and his hand is tucked behind his head so he doesn’t start biting his nails again.
“I’m heading back to the dorms. Don’t stay out here all night stargazing like you did last week. I can’t deal with both of you being half awake again.” Maki scoffs, lifting herself off the grass. He knows that she’s giving him a look. He isn’t blind.
It goes unnoticed by Shuichi. The detective happens to be preoccupied by the clouded stars above, hand intertwined with his own free hand. Kaito strengthens his grip and Shuichi momentarily looks away from the sky, but says nothing and goes back to observing the shimmering decorations of the night.
And they lay there. Looking for what they can due to the polluted effect the city has on their view. Kaito makes no point to complain about that. He’s done that plenty of times in the past. He knows how it goes.
Thoughts swarm through his head like a tidal wave. He hates it and curses himself to hell and back.
Shuichi looks so unbothered. His mind looks so calm. Kaito can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. He cursed himself again and bites at his tongue.
Kaito doesn’t think he can take the tiny voice in the back of his head screaming at him for much longer. The two were alone, and it was nighttime. Both could be as open as they so desired without anyone to hear them. And even if Maki was still here he doubted her holding anything against them. She wasn’t like that.
He finds his opening the moment Shuichi starts to get up. Their hands slowly move apart and his face almost drops. He doesn’t know why he chose this opening- there had been plenty of others- out of everything. But it’s now or never at this point.
“Hey Saihara, can we talk?”
The latter seems taken aback, face falling momentarily at the sudden shift in tone. “Kaito-kun, we’re on a first name basis, are we not? Usually you’re the one nagging me about this.” Shuichi corrects.
God, was Shuichi good at that.
“Whatever though, that isn’t important. So, uhm, what’s up?” Shuichi questions, his voice frail and light.
Kaito gulps down all his regrets and finds himself sitting up and shifting to a more comfortable position. Shuichi doesn’t move, sitting by his side with a solemn expression planted on his face. There’s jittering nervousness there as he fidgets with his hair, but that doesn’t matter. Kaito can tell he’s mentally present and listening.
“Do you ever feel forgotten?”
Silence cruses through the atmosphere.
“I used to. All the time. It wasn’t until You, Kaede, and Maki came along that the feeling faded. Why are you asking?” Shuichi questions.
He can do it. He’s fabricated things long enough. “I just… god, I can’t even say it. Fuck me.” He bites his own lip. He’s glad that Iruma wasn’t there. God forbid he had to deal with another one of her sex jokes.
“Take your time. Seriously. You were there for me. It’s my turn to be here for you.”
“I just- I kind of- ack,” he stops. “I can’t help but feel like I’m standing in your shadow. Like you don’t need me anymore. I’m fuckin’ selfish for thinkin’ this way, I know. You don’t have to tell me.” He confesses, picking at the skin by his nail.
It’s quiet again. His eyes move to see Shuichi’s expression, but there isn’t a hint of hatred on his face. There isn’t anything, really. It looks more intuitive than anything. He seemed so deep in thought. Kaito nudges his hand and Shuichi appears to be almost startled that he’s been placed back into reality.
“Ah. Sorry, Kaito-kun. Didn’t mean to space off. But what I do have to say is that what you’re rambling about is ridiculous.”
Kaito’s eyes grow wide.
Shuichi doesn’t wait for a reply. “If anything, I’m still trapped in your shadow. I owe you everything. You called me a recluse bastard, right? I’m not fully out of that label yet.” He pauses. “Too blunt? Sorry, Maki’s been rubbing off on me.”
“…What?”
“I’m serious. You’re the sunlight in my life. I’m always going to be by you. Who would I be if it wasn’t for you? You’re always going to shine brighter than me.” He admits, pulling his legs close to his body. His smile is light but sincere. His hair cloaks most of his face, but Kaito is sure that Shuichi’s face is a flushed mess.
Blinking in surprise, Kaito finds it difficult to muster up words. It takes him a minute to figure out a response. “Nah, I needed that. I feel so silly saying it aloud. Thanks.”
“Just glad that I could help.” Shuichi smiles, moving his hand to rest lightly on Kaito’s. Kaito returns this gesture as he intertwines their hands once more.
Their eyes lock together and Kaito can’t help the light blush that spreads across his face. There may be a million stars up in the sky. Planets that shine even brighter. But the only star that mattered right now was sitting right next to him, holding his hand.
Without hesitation Shuichi places a kiss on Kaito’s cheek and attempts to pull him off the ground. It takes a moment of Shuichi struggling and Kaito comprehending what just happened for him to understand. He gets to his feet soon enough, laughing bubbling up in his throat due to Shuichi’s murmurs of how heavy he was.
“…Whatever. But we probably should get back to the dorms. Maki isn’t going to be happy if we’re both too tired to function tomorrow morning.” Shuichi yawns, selling the deal. They do need their sleep. That much is obvious.
Their hands remain locked together as they walk. Kaito can’t help the warmness that fills his soul when he looks at Shuichi.
“I love you, seriously, but me being your sunlight, that sure is poetic. Is it a metaphor or something?” Kaito questions in a halfway teasing manner.
“Oh, hush.” Shuichi retorts. Kaito doesn’t speak after that.
Clamoring up the steps to the dorm build, Kaito pulls the door open and practically drags a sleepy Saihara inside. They enter the elevator and another yawn comes from Shuichi.
“Sleepover?”
“Sleepover.” Shuichi confirms.
Kaito smiles as the strings snap.