Chapter Text
Perfect. Everything had to be utterly perfect. It was the least he could do for Shu, after flying all the way back from Japan to meet and practice with him in person for their MV. And after he was so nice as to give Mika a gift! His very own doll- and a high quality one at that. He owed it to him to give the best performance he could. No matter how many tries it would take, he’d practice the steps until his feet were numb and he was out of breath. He was becoming oh so tired… So very tired… Because it was worth it, for Shu. He deserved the whole world, or at least the best he could give him. It had to be worth it…
Mika’s eyes blinked open, his breath stolen before he could even think to inhale. Though it wasn’t uncommon to be breathless at the sight of Shu, this was much, much different. Mika brought his fingers up to touch his lips, just to make sure that he wasn’t dreaming. Because things like this, they just didn’t happen to him. Especially not with Shu.
“Nnhn…” Mika uttered in surprise.
“K-kagehira!?” Shu’s eyes shot open into a bewildered expression as he pulled back from Mika’s face. “Ah-!” Mika’s heart started to race as Shu’s cheeks deepened into a rich pink. Shu clutched his arms around the elbows uncomfortably and looked off to the side.
No. He couldn’t think about it yet. It didn’t feel real. It couldn’t be real.
“So close… as pretty as y’are, ya scared me…” Mika uttered looking down at his own hands in his lap. He balled his fists up together and glanced back over at Shu, who seemed to be chewing up his bottom lip, eyebrows pressed together in an expression that Mika had a hard time parsing. Somewhere between “totally pissed off” and “embarrassed”, if he had to guess. “Heh? Oshi-san, why’d ya come into my room anyways? And why’d ya look so… scary?”
“Must you yammer on with such indignity the moment you awake?” Shu scoffed at him.
“Yer the one who’s in my dorm room! Why’re ya so upset!” Mika replied, crossing his own arms. Shu opened his mouth to speak but then didn’t say anything. He seemed to release some of the tension in his body, as his gaze softened slightly.
“Well, I suppose you’re doing fine now,” said Shu. Mika brought his eyebrows together.
“Fine? What’re ya talkin’ about? Is this because ya k-”
Shu cut him off before he could even say the word.
“Oh, well you must be perfectly fine, as you’re back at it again now! I ought to sew your mouth shut, but that won’t do as you can’t sing like that,” said Shu, putting his hand to cover his blushing cheeks in a half-assed attempt to pretend as if he were thinking. Mika wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that.
“Oshi-san, now that’s just unreasonable…” Mika trailed off as Shu started to tense up again.
“I- well, don’t think too hard about it. Get some rest. I’ll… I can tell you what happened later, when you’ve had some time to yourself. But not now,” he said awkwardly before leaving Mika’s dorm room. The door shut and suddenly every emotion that Mika had been holding in hit him all at once.
Through all the years he’d known Shu, he’d never expected anything of him. Because Shu was a genius at what he did, the absolute best idol there could be. He was talented in every form, from designing and sewing the costumes, to composing the songs, to writing the choreography. It was an honor to be part of his productions, and Mika knew better than to ask for more.
But…
His cheeks grew red as he played back the moments after he woke up. Shu’s lips against his own, pressed up in a soft yet longing kiss. A kiss of tenderness, warmth, and care. Mika grabbed his pillow and hugged it tightly against his body as he tried to calm himself down, lest his heart pop right out of his chest. Shu had kissed him, Mika of all people.
Shu didn’t do things like that!
And especially not with someone like him.
Mika gripped the pillow tighter. Shu wouldn’t like him in that way, no, not when he wasn’t even someone Shu could ever consider in that kind of way. Because he’d seen how he looked at Nazuna, the way his eyes would sparkle when he tended to his favorite doll. The care for which Shu would teach him the choreography, compared to the frustration he had with Mika. There was something between them, the soulmates, that didn’t click with him. Because at the end of the day, he wouldn’t live up to his standards. He couldn’t be Nazuna.
Mika rolled over on his side. Nazuna didn’t understand Shu anyways. He couldn’t see his radiating brilliance, and abandoned him when he needed to be cared for at his darkest moment. It was heartbreaking to see, but he knew Shu would get better- and he did! He just needed some extra help. If Nazuna truly cared for him, he would have stayed. Perhaps Mika truly was the lucky one, given the opportunity to grow closer to Shu.
If Shu could know how much Mika cared for him, even for just a moment, then that would be okay. But to kiss him? Oh, how it tormented him inside! Mika closed his eyes but he couldn’t get the image of Shu’s face pressed up next to his out of his mind, replaying it over and over again in an endless loop. And each time it made the butterflies in his stomach flutter in patterns he had never felt before, the feelings he tried to bury so deep within himself breaking free into a cacophony of emotion.
Feelings for Shu, romantic, especially, had been off limits before. Mika knew it was a lost cause, something he needed to keep close to himself lest he get hurt. Shu’s kiss unlocked the cage that bound them, and with it a great confusion that Mika himself could not begin to parse. He had wanted something like this to happen so badly that now he didn’t even know how to react. It was all too surreal, and part of him couldn’t even believe it happened in the first place.
Yet it had. Shu had kissed him. He repeated this to himself in his mind, trying to calm down to the fact that yes, this was something that happened. And technically, could happen again.
He felt almost guilty for wanting more. Of course he wanted to shower Shu with all the affection he could possibly give him, just to show him how important he was to Mika. He deserved everything. But expecting Shu to express anything back? Before now, it had only been a sad, pitiful dream.