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The bar was rundown and noisy, surprisingly busy for the middle of nowhere. It seemed drinking yourself stupid was the only pastime available in this tiny town, as it appeared everyone over the age of twenty-one - and a fair few under, Castiel noted - was pouring out of the bar. It didn't surprise Castiel when he saw the sleek black of the Impala parked beside the bar, next to a beat-up Camry.
He wasn't even sure why he had come here. Sometimes he couldn't help but be drawn to Dean, even when the hunter hadn't prayed to him at all. It was like an invisible chain connected the angel to Dean, and sometimes there was this tug that was so strong, Castiel felt like he had no choice but to follow the pull of it. It seemed to happen at completely random times, as well as at times when Dean was in great need.
Sometimes, Castiel would go to Dean and not reveal himself, trying to find out if Dean had intended to pray to him. It happened a lot at night, mostly when Dean was sleeping. Castiel would stand back and just watch him. He knew it made Dean uncomfortable, as the hunter had described it as 'creepy' many times, but he couldn't help but watch over the hunter, feeling that familiar pull toward the man, even though Dean was asleep and didn't appear to be conscious of the angel's presence.
There were a few times, only a few, where Castiel had appeared and found Dean in a…compromising position. He, of course, didn't reveal himself and made sure not to stay long. Castiel wasn't quite sure what it was that made him feel compelled to go to Dean, especially in moments like that. He was sure Dean must have had many other things on his mind besides Castiel while Dean was pleasuring himself.
Castiel decided this was one of those times when he had better not reveal himself. Besides, he would feel very exposed in a bar so full of iniquity – not that he was a stranger to immorality these days. He wasn't quite used to human interaction just yet, though, and he didn't intend to stay long unless Dean really needed him. He had a very strong feeling, however, that this would be one of those times where Dean wasn't thinking of the angel at all.
Was Dean even aware he was calling out to Castiel, drawing the angel to him with such a strong pull that Castiel could not ignore it? From the random times it happened, it seemed as though Dean was never anticipating Castiel’s arrival on the few occasions that Castiel had appeared and let himself be visible to Dean. The hunter had been glad to see him, sure, but he didn’t seem to need Castiel for anything during those times, and it frustrated the angel. Why was this so hard to understand?
The air was a haze of smoke, and Castiel was glad that breathing wasn't really a requirement while in his vessel. It was hard to see, not only because of the cigarette smoke, but also because the bar seemed not to have any light at all besides a weak laser projector that lit up the room halfheartedly. Moving along the walls so as not to disturb any patrons, Castiel used the advantage of his heightened senses to look for Dean.
There was some loud, bass-filled song blaring out of the speakers, and many of the townspeople were on the dance floor, grinding and gyrating on each other. Castiel caught sight of Dean standing near a table in the back. Sitting down at the table was a petite blonde who was swirling around a bright pink drink in a very small glass, smiling lasciviously up at Dean, who was bent over the table, seemingly whispering into the young girl's ear.
Yes, Dean's mind was definitely not on Castiel, though he could still feel that indescribable pull, which made even less sense now that Castiel saw the reality of the situation. He knew this was his cue to leave. As he was getting ready to take wing, the loud song stopped, and a much more melodic, calming song came on. Most of the dancers left the floor, leaving a few couples who had drawn very close together and were swaying to the beat of the song.
Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down?
At first, Castiel didn’t pay attention to the lyrics – music in the heavenly host was what humans would call 'instrumental', or just melodic singing; lyrics were a human thing. But this song caught Castiel off guard for some reason, and he paused to listen more closely.
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
Movement caught the angel's eye, and Castiel watched as Dean led the short blonde girl onto the dance floor and pulled her close by her slim hips. She pressed herself up against Dean, who was smirking slightly down at her and gently swaying them to the beat like all of the other dancers around them. Dean's focus was solely on this young woman, and hers was definitely dedicated to Dean.
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Castiel felt that uncontrollable feeling tug at him, compelling him to move closer to Dean, to go to him and…and to…to what? The angel nearly groaned in frustration, confused about this odd feeling settling in his chest and creeping down to the pit of his stomach. The strangely human sensations were throwing him off, unsure what action he was supposed to be taking here. Was Dean in danger? Was the hunter trying to signal to him without being obvious? The small woman pressed flush against him didn't seem to pose any kind of threat at all.
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
The beat of the song was picking up a little bit, and the woman wrapped in Dean's arms slowly stood on her tiptoes.
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Dean's head descended, and they met in the middle. With a vicious tug and a swooping feeling in Castiel's gut, he realized they were kissing. Why was he still there? He should go. Castiel quickly turned and made his way towards the door, momentarily forgetting that he could have just taken wing from where he was, as the music would have muffled the sound of his wings.
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Castiel stopped next to the bar, listening to the lyrics of the song once more. He felt that tug again, but this time it was centered in his chest. He reached up and rubbed at his breast, wondering what this strange ache was. Was there something wrong with his vessel? Jimmy was gone, and his vessel should be self-sustaining because of his grace. What was happening?
Now here I go again
I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself…
Knowing it was probably a bad idea, but ignoring his instincts, Castiel turned to watch Dean and his young paramour once more. Dean's hands were threaded through the woman's blonde hair as their mouths moved together, their heads angling to reach each other better as they somehow continued to sway to the music.
The song continued in the background, the lyrics no longer important to Castiel in that moment, as he was transfixed by the sight of Dean gently yet possessively kissing the young woman he had only just met. He seemed to kiss with his entire being, giving himself fully to the task. He kissed from his toes to the tips of his hair, lulling the woman into this false sense of comfort and security. It discomfortingly reminded Castiel of a Siren, in a way, for he knew Dean wasn't interested in anything but the quick, one-time companionship this woman offered.
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
Like a blow to the head, Castiel realized the feeling in his chest was his vessel's heart pumping wildly. The churning in his gut only got worse as he continued to watch Dean and the young woman. Castiel knew this was a human emotion, and he reached back into his memories of watching humans over thousands of years to try to compare it to emotions he'd observed, as well as the secondary emotions he had felt from Jimmy when possessing him.
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Castiel tried to think back to the human interactions he had witnessed over his very long life, and then he accessed the memories that Jimmy had left behind, searching for whatever this feeling was. He thought of Dean and the young woman who was wrapped around him on the dance floor and felt that jerking tug in his gut once more. Memories of Jimmy in high school, watching a pretty cheerleader kissing a football player, flashed into Castiel’s mind, and he allowed himself to fill up with the emotions Jimmy had been feeling at the time. The younger version of Jimmy was clearly upset that the girl was kissing the football player and not him, and Jimmy burned with jealousy. The squirming, oily, burning feeling that Castiel felt was a similar feeling to that, but it seemed magnified…a lot.
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Castiel felt the disappointment and the embarrassment that Jimmy had felt when he realized that the girl he had planned to ask to the prom had already been asked by someone else, and she had said yes. Jimmy's experience made it seem like it was hard to breathe, a physical ache manifesting in his chest from emotional pain. The same tightness in his chest and burning in his gut had seized Castiel just then as he thought of Dean once more.
When the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know
Oh you will know…
Jealousy. Castiel was jealous. That burning, nauseating ache that seemed to grow more intense the longer he watched Dean and the young woman was jealousy. Without realizing it, Castiel had let himself become visible. The last chords of the song were fading away, but he couldn't tear his eyes away as Dean and the woman finally separated. Dean began to lead the woman towards the bar (or maybe the exit) when he stopped suddenly, looking straight at Castiel.
The angel panicked and took wing, not sure where his destination was, but making sure it was anywhere but at that bar.
It seemed like hours, but it was only a few minutes before Castiel felt that familiar tug again. He stopped himself from flying to Dean this time. Dean wasn't calling to him; it wasn't Dean's doing at all! It was all Castiel. That tug, that compelling feeling to go to Dean…that was Castiel’s own longing. It all seemed to make so much sense now.
Before Castiel could take wing further to try to escape the longing, he heard Dean's voice resonating in his head; Dean was praying to him.
"Was that you, Cas? Everything ok? You looked pretty spooked, man. Do you need me?"
Need…Castiel wasn't sure what he needed, but he didn't think it would be a good idea to respond to Dean, not while he was still mixed up in these weird, uncomfortable, frustrating human emotions.
"If you need me, I'll be at the Blue Bell Motel, room thirteen. Sammy's probably already asleep. Headed that way now…by myself."
Castiel felt the tightness in his chest ease, and the churning in his gut subsided. Whatever Dean's goal had been, he'd left the young blonde at the bar. That tug, though – the longing – that was stronger than ever.
Castiel recalled the song that had been playing in the bar earlier that night and remembered how much he felt as though he could relate to what the sultry woman was saying. This gave him an idea. Dreams…
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
Later that night, after he was sure Dean was asleep, Castiel went to room thirteen at the Blue Bell Motel and watched the gentle rise and fall of the hunter's chest. He could feel that tug again, and his chest ached with longing and fear as he realized that it was time to stop avoiding Dean. He allowed himself to fall into a trance, and then he was in Dean's dream.
The familiar dock scene formed around them as Castiel walked the wooden planks of the dock towards the canvas camp chair that Dean was leaning back in.
"There you are. Didn't you hear me praying to you earlier? Were you at the bar? I thought I saw you, but you disappeared so fast, I'm not sure if I imagined it or not."
Castiel didn't meet the hunter's eyes, instead looking out at the glassy water that seemed to drop off into the nothingness of the dream world they were in.
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
"Yes, Dean, I was there. I did not want to bother you and your date, so I left."
"Hah! Date…well, it wasn't much of a date. Flirted, danced, made out. Then I left. I…uh, I was kind of worried about you, actually. You just mojo’d away, and then you weren't answering me, so I just came back to the motel, hoping you'd be there. Is everything ok? Did you need me for something?"
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
"I…I thought I heard – felt – you call to me, so I went to you, but I misunderstood. That's why I left. It wasn't you calling to me, after all."
Dean turned towards Castiel, his eyebrows in his hairline as he fixed the angel with a confused look. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? You felt me call to you? Since when is that a thing?"
Castiel felt that tug in his chest and closed his eyes against the bright sunlight shining over the dock. Now that he understood, he felt foolish. All those times he went to Dean thinking that the hunter had needed him, but it was Castiel who needed Dean.
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
"It's been 'a thing' for a while, Dean, but I misinterpreted it. I thought I was feeling you calling to me…longing for me. But I was wrong. All this time, it wasn't you calling to me…it was me longing for you. Emotions are…imprecise."
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Dean stood quickly from the canvas chair, and the dock vision around them disappeared. They seemed to be just floating in the ether as the hunter's green eyes pierced Castiel's own. The angel had never experienced dream-walking with Dean like this before, and was concerned he'd lose the trance and wake him. This would be an uncomfortable conversation in the waking world with Sam asleep in the next bed over.
"Longing? Cas…you're kind of freaking me out here, man. Are you ok?" Dean asked, his gaze full of concern, which made the tightness in Castiel's chest both ease and increase. Emotions were indeed mind-boggling.
The angel just smiled as he gripped Dean's shoulder for a second, then let go, pulling away as he felt the tug get stronger as soon as he made physical contact with him. This was not his place; Dean was not his to touch.
"I will be. Go back to your dreams, Dean. I'll watch over you."
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
"No, Cas, you can't just do that! You can't keep blowing hot and cold, sending me all these mixed signals and then pulling the dark and mysterious card. What do you mean by longing for me?" Dean asked, his tone desperate as he held fast to the sleeve of Castiel's trench coat, as if that would stop the angel from leaving this dream if he wanted to. Castiel stayed, though he was anchored by Dean's words and not his grip.
"I don't know what I mean! Don't you understand? I don't know what I'm feeling; none of this makes sense to me," Castiel snapped, overwhelmed and confused. Mixed signals? Had Dean sensed things that Castiel wasn't even aware of?
Dean loosened his grip on Castiel's sleeve but still didn't let go. He took a step forward, lifting his other hand in a gesture of placation. "Whoa, ok, let's just slow down for a minute. Can you explain this feeling to me?"
"What does it matter? You don't feel it, so how am I supposed to explain in a way that you'll understand? How is it possible to put feelings into words?" Castiel asked, his tone becoming desperate now. Should he tell Dean about realizing he had felt jealous in the bar? Would that help Dean understand?
Dean looked away from Castiel, rubbing the back of his neck as he seemed to gather his courage to say what he said next. He seemed to be nervous, and Castiel wondered if he was making Dean uncomfortable.
"Well. Ok, so…you said you were 'longing' for me. What does that feel like?"
"Like I’m being drawn to you, compelled to go to wherever you are, to find you and be there with you. It seems to happen at completely random times, and it's almost as though I can't control it. Sometimes…sometimes I just go to you before I can even think about it."
"I think I would have noticed you popping up all over the place, Cas."
"I can keep my presence unknown if I wish to. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but there have been many times when I have gone to you and not revealed myself."
Dean shuffled nervously as he gave Castiel a searching look, almost as if he was guessing when Castiel might have mojo’d in undetected. "Like when? Give me an example."
"Like now. You were asleep, but I felt that…that tug, like I needed to go to you immediately."
Dean's confused expression softened as he dropped Castiel's sleeve and took a step back. Rubbing a hand over his eyes, Dean fixed Castiel with a strangely endearing look. "Cas…I think you've got it backwards."
Castiel's head cocked to the side as he studied Dean's expression, which seemed to become more amused as Castiel became more confused. "Backwards? I don't understand."
"Just now, when I started dreaming, I was hoping you'd come to my dream so I could talk to you about seeing you in the bar and you not answering my prayers. For lack of a better way to describe it, I was longing for you."
Castiel felt his stomach begin to churn and his heart begin to race. That couldn't be right; why would Dean be longing for Castiel? He knew that his epiphany about jealousy earlier was most likely concerning the fact that Castiel could never stay objective when it came to Dean.
He had been lost the moment he found the hunter in Hell, and since then, everything he knew had changed. He'd abandoned Heaven, given up everything, changed who he was – all for Dean. After observing the Winchesters on Earth and the way that the brothers were devoted to each other, and from Jimmy's memories of his love for Amelia, he knew what love looked like. But Castiel was not sure he knew what love felt like, as he loved his siblings and his Father, but this was not the same type of love.
Castiel had an idea of what may be happening, but he hadn't allowed himself to really admit it to himself, nor was he entirely sure of what he was feeling. Angels were not supposed to fall in love, after all.
Castiel hadn't responded to Dean's admission; he had no idea what to say. "What?" was his brilliant conclusion.
"Well, I won't take all of the credit. Sometimes it may be you, sometimes it may be me; I’m trying to tell you that it's a two-way street, Cas, how we feel."
"And how do we feel?"
Dean sighed heavily as he turned away from the angel. Castiel felt his stomach drop, and panic set in. He'd said the wrong thing, he'd messed it all up!
"I don't know, man. When two people long for each other, I guess it's pretty obvious," said Dean as he turned back to meet Castiel's eyes with a small smirk.
Castiel huffed as he fixed the hunter with an annoyed look. "Clearly, no emotions are 'obvious' to me. Now who's playing dark and mysterious?"
Dean barked a laugh before biting his lip, his expression contemplative as he moved closer to the angel. "I guess turnabout is fair play. Why did you leave the bar so quickly, Cas?"
Castiel could feel his vessel's face heating up, and he was bemused to realize that he was blushing. "I told you, I didn't want to disturb you and your date."
"Why did you show up at the bar in the first place? I didn't tell you where I was until after you zapped away, and I prayed to you about which motel I was staying at. How did you know where to find me?"
Castiel was getting extremely flustered with all of Dean's seemingly circular questions. "As I said, it was because of that feeling I get, the one that compels me to go to you – the longing. Why am I repeating myself?"
"Why would you be able to tell where I was if it was you who was longing for me?"
"I…" Why would he be able to tell where Dean was? After all, Castiel had shielded Sam and Dean from being found by angels with the warding on their ribs. This was all way more confusing than he had intended for this conversation to be. Perhaps he needed some time away from Dean to contemplate what this meant.
"Cas, it's not rocket science. It was me, alright? That girl in the bar…I only started flirting with her because I was thinking of you, missing you. I was…fuck, I was lonely, but you weren't there, so I went for the prettiest girl who looked to be single that I could find. Do you get it now? Those times where you feel compelled to come to me…it's because I want you to come to me."
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had…
Castiel's thoughts all came to a screeching halt as he stared at Dean, who still had that almost adoring look on his face. It was as if Castiel were a confused child, and Dean found it amusing and endearing. Hell, that was probably all true.
Before the angel could think of a way to respond, Dean was moving even closer - closer than Castiel had ever been to the hunter, even back when Dean had often reminded him of 'personal space'. He could count every freckle on Dean's cheeks, see the gold flecks amongst the green of his eyes.
Warm lips pressed against Castiel's own. They were gentle and reassuring, not asking for anything more, and Castiel allowed himself to relax and return the pressure. Unsure where to put his hands, but wanting to hold on to Dean in some way, the angel cupped the hunter's cheek, then let his fingers slide back into his short hair. Using this as leverage, Castiel pulled Dean closer and sealed their lips together in a much more demanding kiss.
The tugging, aching, longing feeling that never seemed to leave Castiel suddenly fell away as Dean wrapped his arms around the angel and pulled him flush against his chest. Taking a page out of Dean's book from when he observed the hunter's technique in the bar, Castiel angled his head a little more and nipped at Dean's bottom lip.
Dean gasped as he pulled back for a second, looking into Castiel's eyes. Castiel was worried he had done something wrong, moved too fast, but Dean muttered, "Fuck," and then he was diving back in, kissing Castiel with more fervour and passion than Dean had displayed in the bar with a mere stranger.
Castiel felt Dean's tongue pressing gently at the seal of his lips. He instinctively let him in, and holy shit, why hadn't they done this before?
They stood kissing for what felt like an eternity, especially as Castiel was still dreamwalking. Upon realizing that this technically was not a real kiss, Castiel dropped his trance, and he heard Dean gasp awake with a jolt.
"Cas?"
"I'm here, Dean."
Not wanting to waste any time or wake Sam up, Castiel pressed two fingers to Dean's forehead, and suddenly they were both in the Impala, which was parked outside and a little ways down from their motel room.
"Geez, Cas! Warn me before you drop out of my dream like that and mojo me awake. Christ, I think I almost swallowed my tongue when I woke up," Dean admonished as his labored breathing leveled out.
Not sure what else to say and wanting to get back to where they left off, Castiel pulled Dean towards him in the front seat by the front of the thin shirt Dean had fallen asleep in, and whispered against his lips, "Don't swallow your tongue – that's my job," then kissed the hunter for all he was worth – which was everything.
Dean groaned into the angel's mouth and let Castiel take control of the kiss, chuckling when the angel got frustrated by the distance still between them due to the steering wheel being awkwardly in the way. Castiel mojo’d them into the back seat of the Impala instead, which gave them at least a little more room to work with. The hunter full on moaned when Castiel straddled his lap to get a better angle to deepen the kiss.
"Fuck, Cas, what's gotten into you?"
There was a loud rumble, and Castiel almost thought the Impala had somehow started on its own, but he realized after glancing out of the back window that it had begun to rain, and the rumble was thunder. He smiled mostly to himself as he leaned down and dragged Dean into another deep kiss, eagerly helping when the hunter began to slide the trench coat and suit jacket from his arms.
When the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know
Oh you will know…