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Anthony woke up slowly. It was still dark out, and as he struggled to pull himself out of sleep, his sluggish brain registered what woke him up. Castiel was twisting and thrashing next to him in their bed. Every so often he let out a soft whimper. Anthony sighed before turning more fully toward Cas and trying to gather his flailing limbs close and settle him down. This was far from the first time this had happened since they started sharing a bed, but at least Anthony knew what to do.
“Shhh, Cas, it’s alright,” Anthony said, gathering Cas in close and cuddling him to his chest, Cas’s head tucked under his chin. “You’re dreaming, sweetheart. I’m right here. Time to wake up now.”
The first time Cas had had a nightmare like this, it had been considerably more violent, and Anthony had prevented himself from touching Cas too much, in case that would have made him worse, more afraid. From his experiences with nightmares at the hospital, Anthony had assumed not holding Cas down or startling him in any way would be the best course of action. But as soon as Cas had woken up, he’d fumbled for Anthony in the dark and held him close like he was afraid his lover would dissolve or disappear. Like he was afraid Anthony was a trick, and if he let go he’d be alone. So since that first night Anthony had gone against his instincts and gathered Cas close when he cried out in his sleep, and grounded him with soft and soothing words.
Anthony continued to hold Cas as he shuddered and shook in his arms, stroking his hands through his hair and whispering soothing nonsense to him. He’d been thinking about suggesting that Cas talk to someone about his nightmares (surely bad dreams at least once a week had an origin in trauma which might benefit from therapy) but Anthony had barely worked up the nerve to suggest it before finding out his boyfriend was an angel. He hadn’t said anything since that frankly mind-blowing discovery, as he was sure that tiny little detail about Cas’s past would be a barrier to any kind of honest doctor/patient relationship.
As he rocked Cas gently his arms, Anthony assumed this would turn out like many of their nights together, with Cas falling back asleep and barely remembering the incident the following morning. So he was surprised when Cas turned his face to look up at him, very much awake. Cas’s cheeks were wet, which was surprising in itself, as Cas rarely cried, but Anthony was more concerned with the look of intense guilt on Cas’s face.
“Hey you,” Anthony said soothingly, as he ran a hand slowly through Cas’s hair and brushed a thumb down his cheek. Cas shouldn’t feel guilty; it wasn’t his fault he had nightmares. Anthony didn’t even really blame him for not confiding their cause to him. He was beyond curious, but also certain that anything that gave an angel nightmares was not something to be discussed lightly, or perhaps ever. “How are you feeling?”
“I should be asking you that,” Cas said softly, voice even rougher and lower than usual. “You’re the one who has your rest disturbed so frequently.”
“Can’t be that restful for you either, honey,” Anthony countered. “We’re in this together, remember? I love you.”
Cas gave a tiny smile at the declaration, and nuzzled his face into Anthony’s neck as he replied, “I love you too.”
“I’m the lucky guy sleeping next to an angel,” Anthony continued, running his hand soothingly down Cas’s broad back, “Figure bad dreams come with the package, what with you stopping the apocalypse and all.”
Cas stilled a little at that, and then turned in Anthony’s arms, facing away from him. For a brief moment Anthony thought he’d overstepped with that last remark, and he had already opened his mouth to apologize when Cas pressed back against him and brought Anthony’s hands around to hug his middle. Staying silent, Anthony spooned up behind Cas, holding him close and nuzzling into his hair. He’d learned through the year and a half they'd been together that Cas sometimes had to look away from him to say something important; eye contact and important conversations were not a Castiel combination. Anthony waited with bated breath, just like he had the last time his patience had been rewarded, and his secretive boyfriend gave him another answer to the many, many questions that had surrounded this mysterious, wonderful man from the day they’d met. He still hadn’t quite recovered from the last revelation – his boyfriend was an angel. He was cuddling with an angel. He tightened his arms around Cas’s middle and clung to him like a life-line.
“I thought at first I’d dream about the apocalypse,” Cas finally rumbled, facing out into the darkness of their bedroom. “I thought, when I became human and dreamt like a human that I would relive events I’d actually been present on earth for. It would make sense wouldn’t it?” Cas paused briefly, but then plowed on, not expecting an answer, “It would make sense if, bound to this vessel as a human, I dreamt of events this vessel had experienced, that I had experienced, in this form on earth. Events after I started falling, when I started to feel for the first time. I’m sure Dean…” Cas trailed off. Anthony only knew Dean as one of Cas’s “complicated friends” who lived in Kansas, visits to whom made Castiel sad, so he didn’t comment on Cas’s unfinished thought. Anthony didn’t have a favorable opinion of Dean, or Sam, the other “complicated friend,” but he’d never met them, and he was self-aware enough to realize his perspective was fairly limited. He just couldn’t bring himself to think too charitably of anyone who made Cas sad.
“I thought I’d dream about what had happened in the last few years,” Cas finally continued. “But I was wrong. I dream…I dream about what happened before.” Cas paused again, and Anthony could tell he was struggling to figure out how to communicate the rest.
“Before,” Cas tried again, “Before, when I was stationed in heaven, we were ordered to watch. To observe this planet, and humanity, waiting for the signs of The End. Waiting to be called into action. But we had to watch. All of it. For thousands of years. I didn’t…I didn’t feel like I do now, but I was curious. I sometimes watched very closely. Villages, and towns, and families, all over the earth, for thousands of years. I was curious, and I watched so much of what I recognize now as love, but there was so much evil too and…” Cas trailed off and curled in on himself. Anthony followed suit and curled his own body more tightly around Cas, running soothing hands up his tense and trembling arms, letting him say his piece. Cas had probably wanted to talk about this for ages. And now he could. Even if it hurt Anthony to hear it, and to see Cas in so much pain, he knew he needed to help Cas let this out, like drawing poison from his mind.
“I didn’t feel it at the time,” Cas whispered, a strange emphasis on the word ‘feel’ that made Anthony suspect he could never fully understand what Cas meant by it. “I didn’t feel it then, but now I dream about it, all of it, every horrible event I witnessed over thousands of years, like my mind, my body wants to make up for not feeling it then, and feel it all now instead. But it’s too much and sometimes…” Cas was barely audible now, and when he trailed off Anthony knew that was probably as much as he could say on the topic tonight.
Anthony squeezed Cas tighter. “I’m right here,” he said. “I’m not going anywhere.” He paused, at a bit of a loss for what to say next, how to help Cas move on and think about something else. Finally, he decided it was best not to stray too far afield. “And hey, you said you saw love too, those thousands of years you watched us. Want to tell me about some of that? We can think about that before we go back to sleep, and maybe you’ll dream about love instead.”
Cas was quiet for a little while after this suggestion, but then he turned again in Anthony’s arms, wrapping his own strong limbs around Anthony and buying his face in his boyfriend’s chest.
“Once,” Cas began, voice still trembling, as Anthony stroked a hand through his hair, “once there was a little girl who lived in a jungle village. And she saved a tiger cub…”
It was a long time before they both fell asleep again that night, but no more nightmares disturbed their rest.