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When you hold me tight (all the fire bright)
It felt like a light had cast him out of his sorrows when he had woken up. Like peace had been granted to him for the first time in his life. Peace with himself, with his messy troubled past and the relationship with his parents. He realized, then, that he deserved to have it. He hadn‘t forgotten about his parent‘s treatment, but he didn‘t need their approval anymore. He knew he was loved, wiht or without them. And he loved the family he knew he had in the 118, his sister and the kid that adored him so much. He wasn‘t sure how to place it, but he was sure of it.
He missed working with the 118 in the weeks of his recovery, but that didn‘t mean he didn‘t see them regularly. The first few days of recovery had been full of visits from everyone. Bobby had brought food and card games, Maddie and Jee-Yun had been there for some hours of Uncle-Buck time and Chimney had brought a movie and popcorn „to finally catch Buck up on some pop culture knowledge“. And of course, Eddie had visited, one time bringing Christopher when he was out of school. They had played video games, listened to the newest stories from school and joked about zoo animals.
The second time Eddie visited, it was different though. Chrisopher wasn‘t there to lighten the room with his laughter and his open excitment about seeing Buck again and distract the adults from their own feelings.
Eddie seemed… vulnerable.
He wasn‘t sad, he still laughed at Buck‘s jokes and random facts, but Buck couldn‘t shake of the feeling that something was hurting him.
He had a pretty good idea what it could be though, because he shared the pain. He had seen his best friend get shot in front of him and now Eddie had seen him die. Buck knew this wasn‘t something you could just shake off.
Being faced with his own mortality had changed something in him. Everything he had been worrying about the past months seemed much more urgently somehow. His search for happiness had nearly been cut short, brought to a final end, without him ever having found out.
Of course he had figured some things out in his coma dream – but what use would that have been if he had just died anyway? What if he died again, without figuring out the last bits of the puzzle?
He wanted to have the chance to continue his search. Not only because he knew people in his life needed him, but for his own sake too. He deserved to find out what happiness could look like for him. And to make it.
Yet nights were still rough for him. He often woke up suddenly, sweating and panicked, after a nightmare had made him believe he was dying again. He tried falling asleep again, but he felt like hanging in the air, helpless. Like he would have to go through everything again to be able to wake up this time.
„Buck?“
Eddie‘s worried voice broke through his spiralling thoughts.
They were sitting at his kitchen table, the couch his mother had bought somehow being too uncomfortable to relax on properly.
„Are you okay?“
Buck hesitaded. How was he even supposed to describe what he was feeling? He swallowed hard before he answered and looked up to meet Eddie‘s worried eyes.
„No, Eddie. I don‘t think I am. But I don‘t know what to do about it. I don‘t even know what IT is.“
Eddie laid his hand on his shoulder, his gentle touch grounding Buck.
„That‘s okay, Evan. You don‘t have to explain, it‘s okay to just… feel it. And figure it out as you go. I‘m here for you whatever you need, and if you don‘t know what it is yet, I‘ll help you figure it out.“
„Thanks, Eds. It means a lot, you know. To know you‘ll have my back.“
Eddie‘s lips formed a soft smile at those last words.
„You know I do. And I know you‘ll have mine.“
The way Eddie looked at him in this moment, he could have believed everything was possible. Buck‘s heart melted under Eddie‘s hand and the gentle expression on his face.
A few seconds passed where they simply sat there and looked at eachother. Something sparked between them, then. Like a little light suddenly went on in Buck‘s heart, spreading warmth in his chest and then in his whole body.
The little light stayed on the whole evening. Buck never wanted it to end.
But of course Eddie had to go home at some point. Carla was watching over Christopher, but she too had to go back home at some point. Eddie could not expect her to stay any longer just so that he could spend the whole night talking with Buck.
Buck wished he could just go with Eddie, sleep on his couch as he had countless times before, and wake up to have breakfasr with him and Christopher. But he wasn‘t sure if he could ask for that. He had a whole loft on his own after all.
„Call me if you need anything, Buck“, Eddie said with a smile when he was about to leave.
„I will. And give Chris a hug from me.“
„Of course. He‘s looking forward to going to the zoo with you next weekend.“
„So do I.“
The thought of Christopher and their shared plans brought a smile to his face. He loved that kid like crazy and he felt lucky for being someone Chris was so excited to see.
„Good night, Buck“, Eddie said, standing in the already opened doorway.
„Good night, Eds.“
They looked at each other for a moment, then Buck stepped forward to wrap his arms around Eddie and pull him in for a hug. Eddie laid his hands on his back to caress him with slow, gentle strokes.
After that Eddie was gone and Buck‘s apartment was empty again.
He couldn‘t sleep. He feared the nightmares that would come for sure, and the grim thoughts in the back of his mind they would show him.
After a while, he stopped trying. He just laid on his bed, letting every dark thought wash over him.
All the what-ifs were spinning around in his head at once.
He thought of Maddie and of Bobby, of Christopher and of Eddie.
„Can you help me find my dad?“, he remembered from his coma dream. What did it mean? What was his subconcious trying to tell him then?
It made him think of the tsunami, when he had been ready to search heaven and hell to find Christopher. And of the well that collapsed and burried Eddie.
Eddie.
„Go get them, cowboy,“ was what he had said to him, right before. Without knowing what would happen moments after that. And Buck had laughed and carried on, stepping on that ladder.
Just like that, it could have been the last thing they had ever said to eachother. Such a carefree phrase, one that Buck would usually remember fondly and with a giddy smile.
He wanted that back.
But right now, he couldn‘t even sleep, so he picked up the phone.
„Buck? What‘s going on?“, a sleepy voice answerer at the other end of the line. Eddie‘s voice was even deeper than usual when he was tired. Buck tried not to pay attention to what that did to him.
„Nothing, really, just… I can‘t sleep, Eds. And I don‘t want to be alone with everything that‘s going through my head right now.“
„Oh, sure. I understand. Do you… want to come over, sleep here? I can get my couch ready and comfy in no time.“
„Yeah, that would be awesome, Eddie. In fact, that‘s exactly what I wanted to ask you.“
„I‘m glad you called.“
Eddie‘s warm voice filled Buck with a tingly feeling.
„Yeah, so am I“, he whispered back.
„Alright, cowboy, come over then.“
Half an hour later, Buck stood in the Diaz‘s living room.
„Thank you, Eddie.“
„Hey, it‘s the least I can do, Buck.“
„I just- I don‘t want to overstep.“
„You‘re not. Can you imagine Christopher‘s face tomorrow when he sees you‘re here? He‘s gonna be over the moon!“
Buck chuckled.
„Besides, I like having you here, too“, Eddie added.
It felt like he meant more than what he was saying, but maybe Buck was imagining things, letting his wishful thinking get the best of him.
After that, he settled down quickly onto the Diaz‘s couch. It was actually quiet comfortable to sleep on. He heard Eddie‘s bedroom door being shut softly, as to not wake up Christopher, then the house was calm. Not the kind of calm that let you anticipate the next storm, but the peaceful one. One that felt like a warm blanket around your shoulders or a song played on a guitar on a summer evening.
His nightmares were a bit better that night.
The next day, Buck woke up to a whispering Chris.
„Daaad, you didn‘t tell me Buck was gonna sleep over. Should I wake him up?“
„No, let him sleep, Chris.“
Buck could hear Eddie‘s smile in those words. Then, two sets of foot steps walking to the kitchen table and cereals being filled into a bowl. He opened his eyes, sat up und slowly moved to the kitchen. There he just stood in the door frame, looking at his Diaz boys. Christ looked cheerful, talking about plans he had with his friends, and Eddie watched him with a tired but soft smile on his face. Buck caught himself imagining a life where this could be every day.
When Eddie looked up and noticed him standing there, his smile got even brighter. Something in his eyes also washed away they tiredness as they lit up.
Buck was welcome in those eyes, he knew that. Those beautful brown eyes he could stare into forever. He smiled back and joined them at the table.
Later that day, when Christopher was at school and Eddie had gone to work, Buck took a little nap, went through the kitchen to write a grocery list and started researching the history of a dish he wanted to cook. Halfway through a Wikipedia article, his phone rang.
„Buck?“, his sister‘s voice came through from the other end of the line.
„Maddie, hey!“ It just occured to him now that he hadn‘t actually told anyone he was staying over at Eddie‘s.
„Where are you? I‘m at your apartement, but you‘re not answering the door, did something happen? Please tell me you didn‘t do anything too exhausting. I know you get bored, but-“
„Hey, hey, it‘s okay Maddie. I‘m at Eddie‘s. I was with him last night.“
„You slept with him last night? Buck, that‘s- I don‘t even know what to say, I‘m so happy for yo-“
„No, NO, Maddie, not with him, at his house! His house!“ He nearly choked trying to interupt her fast enough. „Good to know how you would feel about that though“, he added with a big grin.
„Hey, you‘ve always known that. I love you, remember? And I want only the best for my little baby brother.“
„Thanks, Maddie. Really.“
„So, what made you stay over then? Are you okay?“
„Yeah, I‘m okay. At least I think I am now. I just… couldn‘t sleep, that‘s all.“
„And staying with Eddie helped?“
„Yeah.“
„I‘m glad to hear that, Buck.“
This evening, Buck spent with Eddie and Christopher, eating the dinner Chris and him had made together, playing video games with them and listening to Christopher‘s stories from school. Chris also convinced Eddie to stay up a little bit later than usual to watch a movie, which is how the three of them ended up snuggled in under some blankets, watching the Family Madrigal singing and using their magical powers for probably the 20th time in Chris‘s case. He already knew the Encanto songs by heart at this point.
Chris was sitting between Buck and Eddie, and when he got tired at some point, he cuddled up against Buck‘s arm. Buck gently tousled the boy‘s hair. That kid loved him so much, he couldn‘t believe it sometimes.
It was moments like this when he wished it could be like this forever. For a long time, he had surpressed the longing to be part of this family, but now, these feeling pushed themselves to the surface again. He looked over to Eddie, whose eyes were fixated on the sleeping child between them.
„Let‘s bring him to bed“, Eddie said, and picked him up gently. Chris‘ eyes blinked open shortly. „Good night, Buck.“
„Good night, Chris.“
„Will you stay with us again tonight?“
„Yeah.“
„Okay.“ With that last whispered word, Chris‘ eyes closed again.
When Eddie came bag from Chris‘ room, he let himself fall on the couch again with a sigh.
„I can‘t believe I let myself get talked into letting him stay up so late again.“
Buck chuckled. Eddie was only playing annoyed, but the tone of his voice gave away the fondness in his words.
They just sat there for a moment, both lost in their thoughts.
Eddie unconsciously seemed to move closer to Buck, until his head was resting on Buck‘s shoulder.
Buck wished he could just reach out to Eddie, play with his soft curls and caress his cheeks before leaning forward to his lips and kiss him. His chest burnt from the urge to touch Eddie like this and he wondered if Eddie could feel it, too.
„Buck?“, he said after a while.
„Yeah?“
„Stay with us.“
„You mean for my recovery?“
„No, I mean- just as long as you want to. Forever, if you want.“
So Buck stayed.
Because maybe, he realized, the life he wanted wasn‘t out of his reach, but right here, ready to welcome him with open arms.
-------
Buck had been with the Diaz‘s for about a week when Chris came to him with a question.
„Buck, can I ask you something?“
„Yes, Christopher?“
„Why did you come to stay with us? Did you need help with your recovery?“
„Yeah, something like that. Do you remember when your Dad wasn‘t feeling well and I helped him out? Or when you were scared and had nightmares?“
„Yeah. It was scarry. But I wasn‘t alone.“
„Exactly. And I felt alone in my apartement, which usually isn‘t a problem, you know, but after my accident I feel a little extra scared sometimes. And being with the two of you in this house together helps me feel better.“
Chris turned to face him better then, taking his arm out under his legs. Gently, he put his hand on Buck‘s cheek.
„It‘s gonna be okay, kid“, Christopher said.
„You know what, Chris, I think it already is. I think it‘s even close to being very, very good.“
------
It was another movie night at the Buckley-Diaz house. Chris was already in bed sleeping peacefully.
Buck and Eddie were sitting on the couch, facing each other and making plans for the next days.
It felt good, knowing Buck had a place in this home. That he was part of it.
Yet one thing was still left unsaid. So he took all his courage, reminded himself of all the moments the last days in which he had noticed Eddie‘s eyes on him and and in which Eddie‘s reassuring words had given him strength, and began letting those words free.
„Eddie.“
„Yeah?“
„I- there is something I want to tell you. Because I can‘t not tell you and I want you to know how much you mean to me.“
„Buck...“
„Eddie, I love you. And the last days I realized just how much I want this and how, maybe, you could even want this too. I never allowed myself to dream of this before, but I have to know now. I think I have been in love with you for years.“
Eddie‘s eyes went wider with every word. „You- you are?“
„Yeah“, Buck breathed.
With that, Eddie took his face in his hands gently.
„Evan“, he whispered with a soft smile, his eyes looking deep into Buck‘s. „I love you, too. And I need you to know how much I want you here with me. I want this life with you, everything we dream of.“
The light in Buck‘s heart was glowing, burning through him, through Eddie, through the whole room.
He leaned over until his lips were only millimeters apart from Eddie‘s, taking in the view of Eddie‘s face so close to his. Their breath became one, until they finally closed what little distance was left between them and kissed.
It was tender and soft, like coming home. When their smiles broke the kiss, they touched their forheads against eachother and wrapped their arms around eachother.
Buck could see it now, the life they had made.