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These days Steve only comes back to New York if he really has to. The memories are too painful, too fresh even though it has been a year since he and Bucky broke up. It still hits him like a sledgehammer each time he comes across a place he and Bucky went to together. Their lives had been so intertwined. They did everything together. Which means every place hurts.
Steve ran after Bucky broke up with him. He put several states between them. Miles and miles and miles. Everything to stop the hurt. It didn't work. Steve’s still hurting. He thought Bucky was the one and then he apparently wasn't the one for Bucky and it hurts. It hurts to not be good enough, to be rejected after all those years.
And the thing is, Steve had seen it coming. He just didn't want to believe it. He wanted to believe things would get better. He told himself it was all fine as long as Bucky came home to him. And then one day Bucky told him he wasn't going to come home anymore. They were over. Steve was alone.
Steve is still alone. He can't move on. He can't face New York. His boss, Natasha, is making him, though. He told her why he really moved to L.A. one night when they were both too many drinks in. He knows she wouldn't make him go here if she didn't think it was absolutely necessary. That thought soothes him a little. He can do this. He can visit the gallery Natasha needs him to visit. He can talk to people. He can do business. He can pretend everything is fine.
Nothing is fine. Being in New York is like being punched in the face repeatedly. Despite what people say about him, Steve is not a masochist.
He walks past the coffee shop he and Bucky used to go to. For a moment he thinks he sees Bucky sitting there. He closes his eyes and fights the tears and miraculously doesn't throw up. He picks up his pace. He can't be around these memories. Just a few more days, Steve tells himself. Then he can go back to L.A., back to a place where random shops don't make him cry. Back to a place that Bucky never tainted. L.A. is not home but it's good enough.
Steve is staying in a hotel room. He could have stayed with his mom or a friend but any of those places would have reminded him of Bucky, too. Bucky touched every aspect of his life. They'd been together for so long. Until Bucky decided to throw it all away. Steve still doesn't understand why. Not really. He tries to forget about it. He tries to forget Bucky’s face and his name and his voice. He knows it's all hopeless. Steve will never forget Bucky. No one forgets their first love, after all.
Steve dresses up in nice enough clothes to go to the gallery. He has a job to do. The job is a welcome distraction. It gives him something to focus on. It's something he doesn't associate with Bucky. That's good.
He takes the subway to the gallery. His heart aches as he goes past familiar stops, his mind supplying him with everything he and Bucky shared. Every single time they kissed. Steve doesn't want to remember. Some days… some days he hates Bucky so much. Most days, though, he just hurts. Bucky ruined New York for him. Bucky ruined Steve’s home. It's infuriating.
Steve grabs his phone and looks through the details Natasha texted him. He can do this. If he wraps this up tonight, he can take a flight tomorrow morning and he won't have to come back for a while. He thinks about asking his mom to move to L.A., too. She'll like the sun, Steve thinks.
Steve gets off the subway and walks to the gallery. He doesn't look around. He has to focus on his goal. He can't keep getting distracted by memories. He enters the gallery.
The world shatters.
Bucky is there.
Steve wants to run. And he knows he can't. He can't let Natasha down. She needs this job to be done. But Steve wants to disappear and die. He doesn't want to face Bucky. He can't. It hurts too much.
"Steve," Bucky says, sounding almost as shocked as Steve feels.
"Bucky," Steve replies awkwardly.
He doesn't look into Bucky’s eyes. He looks around the room instead.
"Why are you here?" Bucky asks. "I didn't know you moved back."
"I haven't," Steve says curtly. "Moved back, that is. I'm here on business. Miss Romanov has asked me to meet with Miss Frost."
"Very well," Bucky says. "I'll let Miss Frost know you are here." He walks away, disappearing into an office.
He comes back a few minutes later, accompanied by Emma Frost. Gallery owner, business woman, and pursuer of other, potentially less legal, things.
"I'm pleased Natasha could send someone here on such short notice," Emma says. "I hear you are pretty much her right hand these days."
"She trusts me and has provided me with good opportunities," Steve says.
Emma grins at him. Steve thinks it should scare him but he hangs around Natasha almost every day and has seen her do business. He's used to things by now.
"Excellent," Emma says. "You've already met Bucky."
"We've met, yes," Steve says. Bucky looks hurt at that, like he wasn't the one who broke Steve’s heart.
"Let's get down to business then," Emma says.
She begins to talk about why Steve is here, about why she needs Natasha's help. Someone has been using her gallery to sell forgeries. It's damaging her reputation and everything she has been trying to achieve. She needs help catching the fakes and whoever is doing this.
"Natasha says you specialize in this. That you are almost as good as her," Emma says.
It's true. Steve is good at this.
"I'm going to need a list of known forgeries, to determine the scale of this," Steve says. He pauses. "I gotta know if I gotta call my hotel to extend my stay for a few nights or not."
"I will get it from my safe. I have not shown this to anyone yet," Emma says. "Just to be sure."
She walks back to her office, leaving Steve and Bucky alone.
"You could stay with me," Bucky says. "If you need to stay longer."
"I can't," Steve says. "Besides, I don't think your new girlfriend will be too happy about your ex crashing on your couch."
"I'm not with her anymore," Bucky says. "It was a flawed decision, my judgment lapsed."
"I'm not comfortable staying with the guy who broke my heart, either," Steve says. "Natasha is paying my expenses, anyway. So it's nothing to worry about."
"You used to hate hotels," Bucky says.
"And now I don't," Steve snaps.
Emma returns with her list. "Am I interrupting something boys?" she says cheerfully.
"We're all fine here," Steve says.
"Perfect," Emma says. "Bucky, can you lock the doors? I have a feeling we are going to be here for a while and I don't want anyone to snoop while we are busy."
Bucky nods and does as he is told.
"Usually people like my assistant," Emma remarks.
"I know," Steve says. "He's my ex."
"That explains the cold war vibes," Emma says.
"Sorry," Steve says.
"No, you're not," Emma says, smiling.
"No, I'm not," Steve admits.
He goes through Emma's list. Some of the pieces are familiar. Others are more obscure. When he looks at the pictures of the forgeries, though, he starts to recognise a pattern. He has seen this type of work before.
"The good news is that this isn't aimed at destroying your business," Steve says to Emma. "The bad news is that no one has been able to catch this forger before. Not even Natasha."
"Who is this world-famous forger?" Emma asks.
"Julia Carpenter," Steve says. "She's one of the best at what she does and she's made it hard to catch her. But I recognise her work."
"You are as good as Natasha promised. How are we going to catch her?" Emma states.
Steve doesn't know yet but he doesn't want to let Emma or Natasha down. He'll figure it out.
"We play along with her game," he says. "She doesn't know she has been caught yet. Someone can pose as a buyer, interested in a rare piece. Something priceless. That will draw her out."
"I like that plan," Emma says. "Can you pose as the buyer?"
Steve shook his head. "She knows me. There's a reason why I'm so familiar with her art."
Emma looks intrigued. Bucky looks pissed.
"We had a class together in college. She was a senior when I was a freshman. We shared a studio for a few months when I moved to L.A., until she moved away. It wasn't hard to connect her movements across the world to places where forgeries popped up," Steve explains. "I'm pretty sure I have seen her make some in person."
"Alright, so it really can't be you," Emma says. "Shame it's not a spicier story, I was getting excited."
Bucky looks like he's doing everything within his power to not yell at his boss or Steve. Steve decides to ignore it.
"I'm assuming you only bring in people you can trust," Steve says. "And given that we are the only three people discussing this matter, I am assuming you only trust Bucky… Has Bucky met Julia?" He looks at Bucky.
"I don't know," he says. "She may have seen me around here. But I don't know her."
Steve gets out his phone and googles Julia to show her picture to Bucky.
"She doesn't look familiar," Bucky says.
"You'll do this?" Emma says. "You will be rewarded handsomely for it, of course."
"Alright," Bucky says. "But I'm going to need an update to my art knowledge, if I'm going to fool her."
"I'm certain Steve can give you a crash course. Given he knows what you know and given he knows what she knows," Emma says. "It might even rekindle your… friendship."
Steve sincerely doubts that but he's not going to fight Emma. He has a job to do, after all. Once this is all over, he can go back to L.A and he will never have to think about Bucky again. He can do this.
"Alright," Steve says.
"I'll make some reservations at a restaurant for tonight," Emma says. "That should give you the time and space to discuss anything you need to."
"And it will allow us to drop hints that Bucky is a buyer interested in something special," Steve says.
"You understand me." Emma smiles.
"We should make ourselves presentable then," Bucky says. "Ensure we look the part."
"You can take the company credit card. Go to that tailor I like. She'll make sure everything gets sorted," Emma says.
Emma hands Bucky the credit card and orders them a taxi. In the meantime Steve texts some quick updates to Natasha. He mentions Bucky and she wishes him luck. She thanks him, too, for staying. For doing his job. She knows how significant this is to Steve. She knows how deeply Bucky has hurt him.
It's awkward, sitting in a taxi with Bucky. It reminds Steve of drunken nights with friends, back when everything was easier. Nothing is easy between them now and everything is painful. It's lonely, sitting next to Bucky and not being with him anymore. In L.A. Steve can pretend he's getting better. Here he can't.
He's relieved when they reach Emma's tailor. Glad he's out of the car at least, glad he has space. Of course it's short-lived because he and Bucky have to head into the world's smallest tailor shop. Steve wonders what he did to get cursed so badly by the universe, what he did to receive such punishments.
The tailor is a fashionable woman called Janet van Dyne. Like Emma said, she can get them sorted. She finds a suit that brings out Bucky’s muscles and fits comfortably around his prosthetic and another suit that looks classy on Steve’s skinny frame. They look like a million dollars. Mission accomplished, Steve supposes. At least when it comes to aesthetics. Now they just need to pull off the rest.
"Emma has arranged our reservation," Bucky says. "It's that restaurant Tony Stark bought on a dare. The one where we-"
"The one where we went for our seventh anniversary," Steve interrupts.
Just a few months before Bucky broke Steve’s heart. Back when Steve still thought they had a future. It's gonna hurt like hell to go there now.
"I can ask Emma to pick a different place?" Bucky offers.
Steve shakes his head. "No need. It's just business, isn't it?"
Bucky gives him a sad smile. Steve doesn't understand. Bucky is the reason why they are in this whole mess. Bucky is the one who chose to break up with Steve. So why is he acting like a sad puppy now?
Janet puts the finishing touches to their outfits and wishes them luck. Then they are off to the restaurant.
Once they are there, they get taken to their table. They order fancy, ridiculously expensive food neither of them really like. It's all about keeping up appearances, is what Natasha always tells Steve. That's what he's doing now. Though he's not sure he's succeeding. Bucky knows him too well. You can't fool a person who knows everything about you.
"Can we do your crash course quickly?" Bucky asks. "I don't want to make you more uncomfortable than you need to be."
Steve sighs. "Bucky… Everything about being in this city is uncomfortable because everything reminds me of you. Because you broke my heart… But, sure, let's be quick about this."
"Steve, I'm… I'm sorry," Bucky says. "Leaving you, hurting you, is the worst mistake I ever made."
Steve gives him a weak smile. "That doesn't make it hurt less," he says.
"I know, sorry."
"It's alright. Let's just do our jobs for now and handle anything personal later," Steve says.
"I'm okay with that," Bucky replies.
Steve tells him everything he needs to know about the art styles Julia usually copies and about the rare and interesting pieces in those styles. Bucky soaks in all the information like a sponge. He's always been clever like that.
During dinner they also drop plenty of hints about Bucky being an art collector who is looking to expand his collection. Steve knows Natasha and Emma are putting rumors out, too. They'll do anything to ensure Julia hears about this and shows herself. She has eluded official authorities and Natasha for far too long. They want to catch her now.
It works. Three days later, Julia contacts Emma to ask if she has heard anything from the mysterious collector. Emma arranges a meeting and Julia takes the bait. During the meeting, Bucky describes the piece he is looking for, a Van Gogh that's currently in a museum, and Julia promises she can get it for him within a week. A deal is made. Julia has put her own downfall into motion. Steve can't wait to wrap this all up. It's a little sad, he thinks. Julia had been nice to him. Too bad about her interest in crime.
"Perhaps you boys should have a little heart to heart while we wait on Carpenter's forgery," Emma says to Steve and Bucky after the meeting.
"Okay," Steve says.
Maybe it's time. Maybe he will finally get some answers.
Bucky takes Steve to his apartment. The one they used to share. They walk past familiar places. The memories sting. It's weird to walk home with Bucky and not hold hands like they used to. Steve misses the comfort, the warmth. He has been missing it since the day they broke up. Steve is lonely and empty and lost. He's starting to realize that maybe Bucky is too.
It's a little awkward once they are inside the apartment. It's not the home Steve left but it's still familiar. The love he and Bucky shared still clings to the walls and the furniture.
"I think we're going to need wine with this one," Bucky says.
Steve nods his agreement. It will definitely help.
Bucky grabs a bottle of red wine, the good stuff, and some glasses. He pours them each a glass and immediately takes a big sip of his own. Steve follows his example.
Then he looks into Bucky’s eyes. "Why did you break up with me?" he asks.
He feels vulnerable and small. This is the question. The thing he has been wondering about every single day.
Bucky swallows. "Because I wasn't good enough for you. Because I was doing things that were hurting you. Because I thought you deserved better," he says.
"What if I didn't want better? What if I just wanted you?" Steve whispers.
"I cheated on you," Bucky says. "And it's been hell without you but you deserve someone who treats you with dignity and respect. Someone who doesn't do that to you."
"And instead of telling me, instead of being honest," Steve says, raising his voice, "instead of that you just made me feel like I wasn't good enough. You couldn't even give me the dignity of making my own choice."
Bucky looks chastised. "I'm sorry," he says.
This entire year Steve has been wondering and hurting. He has wanted Bucky back. Does he still want him back now? Steve doesn't know. Steve wanted answers all this time. Now he wishes Bucky had left him wondering.
"Why did you cheat on me?" Steve asks because he clearly hates himself.
Bucky takes another sip of wine. Steve drains his own glass. Seven years and Bucky cheated on him. Steve needs to know why. He needs to understand, even if it hurts more than anything.
"Be honest," Steve says.
"Because I was foolish and I let people convince me it wasn't a big deal," Bucky says. "But it was. Because I was hurting you, even if you didn't know. I betrayed everything I hold dear."
"Was it with her? The redhead?" Steve asks, trying not to cry.
Bucky nods.
"At least she was pretty," Steve says bitterly.
"There’s not a single day where I don't regret what I did. There's not a single day where I miss you," Bucky says.
Steve can't hold back his tears anymore. "I need more wine," he says.
Bucky dutifully pours him another glass. Steve drinks it within seconds.
"I'm so angry at you right now," Steve says.
"You should be," Bucky replies.
"This is annoying me very much," Steve says. "It's hard being angry when I see you feel like crap. But I'm so angry. So so angry."
He runs a hand through his hair and lets out a frustrated noise.
"I'm wondering now," Steve says, "why you really cheated... What about me wasn't enough for you?"
"You were always enough," Bucky says.
"Not enough to keep you from wondering, from trying. Or are you saying you slipped and your dick fell into another person?" Steve asks.
"Steve," Bucky says, sounding pained.
"Don't Steve me. Be honest," Steve snaps. "Own it."
"I was drunk and I thought I wasn't good enough. You were making a career and achieving all your goals and I figured one day you were going to leave me. I wanted to see if I could still find someone when you did," Bucky says.
"That's a really shitty reason," Steve says.
"I know." Bucky looks down.
"Good," Steve says.
Was it good? He doesn't know. All he knows is that this hurts and he's angry and he wants to shake Bucky and he wants to hug him anyway.
Steve always fantasized about getting back together with Bucky. Now he isn't sure. New York is even more ruined than it already was. Steve’s hope has shattered.
"I'm going to call a cab and I'm going back to my hotel," Steve says. "I need to process this. I will see you during the meeting with Julia. If I'm in a good enough mood afterwards, I might talk to you before I fly back to L.A."
"Okay," Bucky says. "Stay safe out there."
Steve gives him a bittersweet smile, then heads out the door.
In his hotel, he calls Natasha and she lets him cry and rant. She lets him be furious in all the ways he needs to be. Then, she tells him she's flying over, too.
"To watch Julia get caught?" Steve asks.
"Yes. And to support my favorite employee and friend," she says.
"Thank you," Steve says.
He goes to sleep after they hang up. The next day he visits his mom and tells her everything. She holds him tightly and he weeps.
"What should I do?" he asks her.
"I can't make that choice for you, my darling," she says. "Only you know what's right for your heart."
It's not the answer he wanted but he understands. Everyone will have an opinion about this, but ultimately only Steve’s matters.
Two days later, Emma calls him. Julia has procured her painting and has set up a meeting with Bucky. Time for action.
He quickly makes his way to the gallery and hides out in the back with Natasha while Emma and Bucky talk to Julia.
"If you don't mind," Bucky says, "I have hired a friend to look at the painting. One must be careful with what they hang on their walls."
Julia looks stressed but she can't say no without revealing herself.
"Of course," she says.
That's Steve’s cue. He walks up to them and greets everyone. Julia looks shocked about seeing him here.
"That's an impressive piece," Steve says, making eye contact with her.
The color has completely drained from her face.
Steve still makes a show of actually studying the painting.
"Too bad the real thing is safely in a museum in Amsterdam," Steve says.
"Too bad," Bucky echoes.
Natasha joins them then. "It's over Carpenter," she says. "I have some friends on their way and they'll be taking you into custody. Your scheme is over."
It all happens quickly. Julia grabs a pair of scissors and tries to stab Steve. Bucky pushes her out of the way and pulls Steve behind him.
"You don't get to hurt him," Bucky says.
Natasha's friends, Jimmy and Monica, enter the building and arrest Julia. It's over. The job is done. Steve needs about five million naps now.
"Are you okay?" Bucky asks worriedly.
Steve gives him a tired but grateful smile. "You made sure of that."
Bucky looks like he wants to reach out, to really reassure himself Steve is okay, but he's holding himself back. Respecting Steve’s boundaries and the distance between them.
"You can touch me," Steve tells him.
Bucky pulls Steve into a tight hug. He's holding him like he will never get to do this again. Steve has made up his mind.
"I want us to work through things and I want us to get back together and actually make sure things work out this time," he says. "And I want you to kiss me."
Bucky pulls back and kisses Steve. His eyes are shining. It's not perfect, not yet, but it's a start and that's good enough. They'll figure this out. As long as they do it together.