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Eddie tip-toed through the house, making as little noise as possible. He had a list of chores a mile long that he’d meant to tackle tonight but the desire to let Buck finally get some rest far outweighed his need to vacuum and do the laundry. He was on his way to the kitchen to survey what they had for lunches (add grocery shopping to the list) when a door creaked open down the hall and Christopher ambled into the living room.
Eddie turned quickly, placing a finger over his lips to signal his son to be quiet so they didn’t wake the man currently snoring away on their couch.
“When did Buck get here?” Christopher asked, doing his best to speak quietly. Eddie lamented the fact that eleven-year-olds still didn't quite grasp the concept of an inside voice and steered him to the kitchen where the walls would hopefully muffle their voices.
“Just a few minutes ago.”
“You didn’t tell me he was coming,” the look on his face was borderline offended as if Eddie had committed a federal crime by not telling him his favorite (yes Eddie knew firmly where he stood on Christopher’s rank of people) person was going to be coming over tonight.
“I didn’t know he was coming buddy,” he placated. “He just needed to get away from all of the visitors at his place so he came over here.”
“To sleep on our couch?”
“I don’t think he meant to fall asleep,” Eddie chuckled. “He’s had a long couple of days so let’s let him rest as long as possible okay?”
“Okay. If he wakes up before I go to bed can he read our book? It’s been forever and we’re getting to a good part.”
“If he wakes up before you go to bed you can ask him.”
Christopher seemed satisfied by his answer so Eddie nudged him back in the direction of his bedroom.
“Go pick out your clothes for tomorrow and take a shower.”
“Okay, dad.”
Once the water was running in the shower down the hall, Eddie pulled the makings of Christopher’s lunch from the fridge. He was spreading the condiments on the bread for a sandwich when Buck wandered into the kitchen.
“How did I pass out so fast?” he grumbled.
“You fell asleep before I even got the beers out of the refrigerator.”
“Sorry,” Buck looked a little sheepish at the notion of passing out on Eddie’s couch in a matter of seconds.
“No worries. You still want that beer?” he gestured at the fridge with the knife he was holding.
“Uh, maybe some water?”
Eddie smiled softly and laid the bread down on the table, “Agua on the way.”
He retrieved a glass and the Brita pitcher, pouring a cup for Buck who took a seat at the table, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.
“Thank you,” he said as Eddie placed it on the table.
“Here ya go sir,” he teased.
“It’s fine if you wanna have a beer.”
“I already did,” he paused. “Both of them.”
“Right,” Buck took a sip of his water, smiling around the rim of the glass.
Eddie watched him from across the table as he resumed his lunch-making. Buck took another long sip before placing the glass back down on the table and licking his lips. He sniffed and leaned back in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. Eddie glanced up at him again, waiting for whatever Buck was obviously building himself up to say.
“Hey. What do you remember about getting shot?”
“There was searing pain. It felt like I got hit by a bus but I was still standing. I remember falling and everything got dark. And I thought ‘This is it. This is the last moment of my life’. Then I woke up in the hospital.”
“And that was it?” Buck tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy.
“That was it,” Eddie confirmed. “No bright white lights, no trippy mind puzzles. Just thought I was dead and then I wasn’t.”
He paused for a moment to put Christopher’s sandwich in a bag and place it in his lunch box. He brushed the crumbs off his hands and regarded Buck again.
“So now am I allowed to ask how you are?”
“Uh. Honestly, Eddie, I don’t know.”
“You died Buck,” he said gently. “You’re gonna feel a lot of different ways about that. Sometimes all at the same time. I found the best way to process it is to,” he paused looking for the word. “Allow yourself to feel it.”
“You do eventually though right? You process it.”
Buck looked up at him with big blue eyes, so earnest as he asked Eddie to reveal the secrets of healing and moving on.
“Every day you open your eyes in the morning, you feel a little less surprised the world is still there.”
He grabbed another ziplock bag, filling it with a handful of pretzels while he allowed Buck a minute to grasp what he’d just said.
“Sometimes, it takes me a minute to realize that the world I wake up in is the real one,” he admitted. “That coma dream, it was everything and nothing that I wanted all at the same time. I guess I’m just having a hard time sorting out the difference between dream and reality.”
“Well, I’m here,” Eddie offered. “I wasn’t in your dream right?”
“Right.”
“So if you ever need me to reorient you to reality, call me. Day or night, you know I’ll answer.”
“I know.”
“I’m here for you Buck. You’re gonna get better.”
“Thank you, Eddie.”
“Buck!”
Buck turned in his chair, a mega-watt smile gracing his face as he turned to see Christopher walking toward him.
“Hey buddy,” he wrapped him up in a hug, pressing his nose to the damp curls on top of his head.
“I was hoping you would be awake. Dad said you could read me a story if you were.”
“Of course, I’ll read. We’ve gotta finish our book eventually.”
Christopher nodded earnestly and Eddie chuckled at the two of them.
“Did you brush your teeth?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, pick out your snacks for lunch and then you and Buck can go read.”
Christopher browsed the snack basket for a minute before choosing a granola bar and a pack of fruit snacks. Once they were safely deposited in his lunch box, he grabbed Buck by his good hand and tugged. Buck followed him willingly, flashing a quick smile over his shoulder at Eddie.
Eddie had his own lunch for shift packed and the kitchen clean when Buck emerged from Christopher’s room, shutting the door gently behind him.
“Out like a light.”
“Good. He’s getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning.”
“The teenage years are upon you,” Buck teased.
“Ugh. Can I pawn him off on you until he’s eighteen? I’ll still pay for college.”
“Tempting. But there’s only one bed in my loft and making the kid sleep on the couch doesn’t sit well with me. Besides you’d miss him and you know it.”
“Eh worth a shot.”
Buck hesitated for a moment before moving back toward the living room, “I should probably go.”
“Buck it’s getting later and you were dead to the world on my couch not even an hour ago. Just stay here tonight.”
“I can drive it’s okay. And I know you won’t let me sleep on the couch and you have a shift tomorrow so I’m not letting you sleep on it either.”
Funny how Buck still knew his schedule even when he wasn’t working.
“So then we’ll both sleep in my bed. It wouldn’t be the first time.”
They’d shared Buck’s bed in the loft for a couple of months during the pandemic and shared Eddie’s bed when Christopher had taken them both down with a nasty flu he’d picked up from school.
“I don’t wanna bother you.”
“Buck, I don’t know when you’re going to get it into your head that you’re not a burden to me. We want you here Buck, Christopher and I both do, never doubt that.”
“Okay.”
“Okay. Do you need to shower?”
Buck shook his head and Eddie nudged him gently with his hip.
“Okay then. You know where your spare clothes are. I’m gonna lock up and I’ll be there a minute.”
Buck complied and moved toward Eddie’s bedroom as he ambled through the living room and kitchen, turning off the lights except for the small lamp that was always on in the corner and setting the front door alarm.
When he had brushed his teeth and gone to get ready for bed, Buck was already curled up on the side of the bed farthest from the door, scrolling on his phone.
“Whatcha doin'?” Eddie asked as he traded his pants for a pair of threadbare shorts and slipped under the covers.
“Texting Maddie that I’m staying here. She’s supposed to be on Buck-sitting duty tomorrow morning and I didn’t want her to show up before I got back and panic.”
“Good idea.”
“Thank you for letting me stay Eddie.”
“Anytime Buck, you know that.”
“I know.
“Can I ask you a question now?”
“Sure.”
“Why did you come here tonight? You know you’re always welcome but you rarely show up unannounced.”
“Honestly? All of the people in and out of my place, checking in on me and hovering were really overwhelming. And my mom bought me this couch and it’s super uncomfortable and that’s a story I don’t even want to get into tonight. I just needed some peace and quiet. And when I thought about where I feel most peaceful, it’s here. With you and Chris. Maybe that’s crazy, I don’t know.”
“It’s not crazy Buck. I feel more at peace with you here too.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. Buck when Chris and I moved here, you were one of the very few steady things in our lives. You’ve always been there. You’re the piece we didn’t know we were missing until we found it,” Eddie almost grins to himself at the double meaning. “We loved you, Buck. I love you.”
“You love me?”
“Of course I do Buck. I have for a long time. And I want you to know that I don’t have any expectations. Say it back, don’t, tell me you need time, whatever it is. I just needed you to know that.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t think I can say it now,” Buck sounded a little ashamed. “I just have a lot going on in my life and a lot to wrap my head around still. But I don’t want you to think that I don’t want this because I do. I’ve wanted it for a long time.”
“Hey,” Eddie wrapped a grounding hand around his wrist. “We go at your pace. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.”
“Honestly, right now I need sleep.”
Eddie chuckled, “Well that we can handle.”
He moved to roll over and turn off the lights but Buck stopped him.
“And maybe some cuddles?”
“I think I can handle that too.”
In the darkness, Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck, hand coming to rest over his steadily beating heart. Buck snuggled in close, wrapping a hand around Eddie’s wrist.
As he drifted, he was overwhelmed by a feeling he hadn’t felt since he was standing on a ladder in a lightning storm.
Peace.