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One
In the ten years she’s known JJ thus far, he’s had some pretty stupid ideas. But this, Kiara thinks, may be his dumbest idea yet.
“Are you sure this is safe Jay?” she asks hesitantly as the blonde finishes rolling the joint tightly and flips open his zippo lighter.
“Kie, I swear it’s fine. This is Cousin Ricky’s good shit. JB and I have already tried it and see, we both are still here,” he teases and wiggles his fingers in front of her.
His confession should’ve eased her mind, but given that they were only fifteen, barely, it caused even more alarm to race through her. When the hell was he finding time to smoke?
Watching the glint in his eyes and the telltale way his lips curve into a smirk, highlighting the dimples in his cheeks it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to her. JJ has always been the most adventurous one in their little group. Always bounding forward towards the nearest good time or into the next shenanigan with zero forethought. It only makes sense he’s already smoked, he’s probably been drinking for several years now.
That’s just how life is on the cut. Sometimes Kiara has to snap herself out of that proper, uppity mindset that is ingrained in her thanks to her mother.
God if her mother could see her now.
About to light it up with the boys and prove everything her parents always say about them right. Over the years she’s heard it all. ‘You hang out with trash you get dirty’ was their favorite.
Kiara’s heart burns at the thought. Her three boys have been nothing but kind to her. Since she walked right up to their table in kindergarten and introduced herself. John B had welcomed her in immediately, golden retriever optimism and inclination to see the best in everyone shining brightly. Pope was altogether pretty shy, but as soon as she complimented his chapter books he opened right up to her, pleased to have someone to talk about his “nerdy” things with.
JJ had been the only obstacle in her initiation into the Pogues. He hated her at first, did everything he could to convince John B that she wouldn’t fit in with them. She was a girl after all. The blonde held his walls firmly and stubbornly refused to let her in, which pissed Kiara off, as an equally stubborn force. But eventually, after continuing to stick around, prove her loyalty, and help them prank Topper and his gaggle of minions, JJ began to see her as one of them.
And ever since then it had been Kie and her boys.
Plenty of people teased them, girls constantly whispered around her which one of them she was dating or if it was all three. No one seemed to understand the joy they breathed into her life. And her parents certainly didn’t, not when it was their number one priority to climb the social pyramid of Kildare right to the very tippy top.
They thought the boys were bad influences. Only serving to cause chaos, loiter around The Wreck and beg for food. Kiara saw way beyond that.
John B’s warm smile directed at her, constantly her biggest cheerleader for whatever her latest accomplishment had been. Pope’s awkward and completely endearing conversations. The way he worked in tandem with her to control the sole two brain cells of the group.
And JJ. His bold laughter that found her no matter where she was. The bright glimmer in his ocean eyes when he thinks of a plan for mayhem. The feeling of pure exhilaration when he lets her in on a joke, for just the two of them. Everything in his soul is wrapped in playfulness.
So fuck her parents. Fuck their expectations and the twisted ways they have pinned the boys misfortune and social class against them. These boys were the very beat of her heart, and she would follow them anywhere.
They were going to have to get used to that.
With a newfound determination, Kiara saw smoking this joint in an entirely different light. It wasn’t just an experiment, an excuse to do something dumb for the night.
It was rebellion in its purest form. A way to push back against all those people who laugh at her, or cast judgemental eyes her way because of how she acts or what she thinks about the environment and politics or that she can’t tell the difference between cream and eggshell.
“Ok. Give it here,” she decides after JJ has inhaled several hits.
“Thatta girl!” he cheered and passed the joint to her, their fingers grazing for only a moment. Kiara hated what his sugary tone did to her and the way the momental touch sent a chill down her arm.
“Now, you probably are gonna cough so take it easy.”
She pressed the cigarette to her lips confidently and inhaled as deeply as she could. A weird taste filled her mouth and invaded her senses.
“There you go, now hold it in,” JJ directs from his spot on their hammock.
Kiara did as he said and tried to keep the smoke inside. She could feel her eyes begin to water slightly and eventually couldn’t take anymore, blowing smoke out into the chilly air. A steady burn started in her throat and nose, forcing her into a coughing fit.
“God Jage- it burns,” she whines in between coughs.
“Yup, it’ll do that. Once you smoke a couple more times it won’t anymore,” he shrugged.
“This feels like death. Why does anyone do this?!” Kiara moans and tries to catch her breath.
“Oh just you wait, Kie. You won’t be saying that in about three minutes,” JJ smirked.
And he was right. Which is something that doesn’t happen very often unless the subject is surfing or the movie C.H.U.D.
All of her limbs felt fuzzy, her insides calm and mellowed like nothing she’d ever felt before. The burn had long since disappeared and in its place was intense peace. Thoughts and images flitted in her mind, but they moved so fast she couldn’t grasp them.
She turned her gaze to JJ and watched him take another hit and blow a stream of smoke towards the sky. The stars and moon were on full display tonight as they swayed together, cicadas buzzing the only noise breaking up the silence. He looked completely at ease, his shoulders relaxed and his eyelashes fluttering closed blocking the cerulean in his eyes from her view.
Maybe it was the weed talking, but Kiara couldn’t help but think he was pretty. Really pretty.
No it was the weed. Definitely the weed.
Once the thought was there, it wouldn’t leave. Her entire brain filled with memories of them, all the times he made her laugh, tickled her on the pullout until she couldn’t breathe, grasped his arms around her and slung her into the marsh over the side of the HMS Pogue and now everything felt different. Every piece of their history was shaded in something more than friendship and it terrified her.
Has it always been this way?
When did he go from an annoying almost sibling-like presence in her life that she worked hard to beat in every race, every challenge, to a magnetic force slowly drawing her in. Making her wonder what he might taste like. What would happen if she just pressed her lips to his.
She was never smoking again.
“How do you feel?”
“Weird. Everything is all floaty,” she answered and ran her fingers through her curls.
“Mhmmm.”
“JJ?”
“Mhmmm,” he lets out quietly and eventually looks up from his spot opposite her to meet her eyes.
She could tell him right now. As for colossally bad ideas, Kiara is pretty sure that one would make the list. But she could. She wonders if he would laugh it off as a joke, if it would make everything weird and stilted between them. Maybe he wouldn’t even remember it in the morning, she could blame it on the drugs.
His eyes gazed at her expectantly, almost egging her on to do it. But she couldn’t. No matter what she felt now under the haze, she had to make sure these feelings would last in the light of day. And when she knew, then she could shove them down as far as possible in a box labeled ‘DO NOT OPEN’.
Because she couldn’t imagine a life without him. Without any of her boys to face every day and the general terribleness of people with. She had to do whatever it took to protect their friendship, that she knew for sure.
“Do you think cheetos have feelings?” she settled on, the second most important thing running through her mind.
“Cheetos, like the chips?” JJ tilted his head and scrunched his eyebrows together.
“Duh dumbass, what other cheetos do you know of?” she replied and smacked his leg.
He bursted into laughter and soon her honey-like giggle followed. They laughed together until tears formed in the corner of her eyes and John B and Pope rushed out of the Chateau to see what all the commotion was about. Apparently they had been loud enough to gain the attention of the other half of their clan.
“What the hell is so funny?” John B asked, clearly wanting to be let in on the joke.
JJ and Kie turned quickly to the two boys and tried to stifle their laughter. Appear as normal as possible.
Pope glanced back and forth between them, his gaze analytical and stoic.
“They are high out of their minds. Dude, what were you thinking!” he berates at JJ.
JJ holds his hands up comically slow. “Hey, she wanted to. You try telling that girl no,”
“Hey don’t make this my fault,” Kie grinned and pointed at him. She was conscious of the fact that both of their movements and slow slurring speech were more than giving them away to the brains of the Pogues.
She didn’t even care. She didn’t even try to hold in her laughter as she watched JJ’s face. Pretty soon they were both laughing again.
“Guys my dad is inside hush!”
“There he goes getting all southern on us Kie, now it’s serious,” JJ jests with a mock gasp. Kiara can’t think of a logical response, just continues to laugh. Whatever Cousin Ricky put in this shit made everything really really funny.
“Oh my god, we are dead. We are going to be in so much trouble. It fucking smells like a family of skunks died out here,” Pope worried as he paced the yard.
“Popey, it’s fine. I just wanted to try it this once. I won’t do it again I swear,” Kiara pouts and attempts to stand and wrap her arms around him. She stumbles momentarily and Pope uses his arms to support her.
“Aww Kie what,” JJ protests, frowning exaggeratedly.
Kiara turns away from Pope and lightly shakes her head, tossing him a wink. His face immediately lights up and he relaxes into the hammock.
“Kiara I can literally see you right now,” Pope huffs and John B laughs.
“It’ll be fine chief, she’s in good hands,” JJ tosses out, closing his eyes.
Pope snorts and smacks his hand to his forehead. “Are you talking about you? Because I hate to break it to you but that is the most inaccurate thing I’ve ever heard-”
“I think he needs a hit Jage,” Kiara play whispers and points towards Pope.
This time John B joins them in laughing their asses off in the yard until the sun begins to peek out, signaling a brand new day.
Two
The past month has felt like her own personal version of hell.
First, her best friend dropped her out of the blue like she was an old magazine. Kiara thought what she had with Sarah Cameron was special, different. She hadn’t been like the other Kooks who all blabbered on about clothes and galas and trust funds like that was normal conversation for a Tuesday.
She cared about the environment. Her eyes lit up on the beach as they guided baby turtles to their safety. Her gaze was warm, her energy infectious, Kiara couldn’t help but bask in it. Do her best to heal from the three very specific shaped holes left in her heart at the start of freshman year. The fact that she was Kook Princess and slightly out of touch with reality was something she didn’t hold against her.
And it was working too. The ache at being stuck at Kildare Prep was finally starting to fade away now that she had friends and Sarah graced her with attention and shopping trips and smiles at every turn. She hardly ever thought about the Pogues and the shack held together by duct tape and prayers across the island that she had called her home all her life. Or at least she had done a decent job at fooling herself into thinking that.
She opened her heart up to Sarah and the blonde did in return, forming a bond she was sure would last a lifetime. It would make stomaching every gala at the club or makeover session where she became Sarah and her sidekick's personal barbie doll worth it. The dirt had long since been washed from her nails, her clothes designer and tight with no holes or grease stains. Her once wild curls had been tamed straight, not a hair out of place and she hadn’t stepped foot in the ocean in who knows how long.
Everything was fine. Until it wasn’t.
Until everyone at school avoided her like she had contracted the plague. The rumors and insults began whispering around her once again as they had before she met Sarah. And the princess herself had turned her head up at Kiara and moved along as if she suddenly wasn’t worth her time anymore.
She begged and pleaded to talk with Sarah. Nothing worked. Bright red spray painted letters calling her a rat or snake or narc began appearing on her locker. Only after weeks of the constant harassment and the school’s failure to do anything about it, was she able to convince her mom and dad to let her go to the highschool on the cut.
Stepping back into that school, those streets felt like a call to another life. The life of her past when she was free to be as outspoken and passionate as she wanted. She and her boys were royalty in their own right, commanding the sea on their boards, the wind through their hair, driving the twinkie all over town causing chaos.
Now all of that was burnt to ashes.
She left them and for what? For the chance to get her parents and their constant nagging off her back. To experience what it might feel like to not have her feet in two different worlds, forever being pulled apart at the seams by everyone’s expectations of who she should be. For a girl that showed her a kind, sweet version of herself only to lure Kiara into a false sense of security so she could stab her in the back and make a big public drama of it all.
Maybe she deserved this. For abandoning the only souls in this world who knew her. Who accepted her for all her flaws and faults, and continued to love her anyway. Her heart felt like it was being pierced over and over by glass shards at the thought that she would never walk the path to the Chateau again.
John B’s father has been missing for two months now and she hadn’t done a single thing about it. Couldn’t even work up the courage to send him a text checking in. They probably all had her number blocked by now, considering she had been exiled from the Pogue 4 Lyfe groupchat long ago.
There was no way she could come back now. If even by some miracle, John B and Pope slowly were able to come around, there’s one person she knows won’t. JJ would never forgive her and she couldn’t blame him. She knows just how hard it is for him to trust people, has seen the bruises on his face and arms, and has the ways he changes the subject from his house or his father memorized like the back of her hand. Kiara had never met his mother, but from the little John B told her it seems like she has been gone a very long time. Another person who was supposed to love and care for him but didn’t.
It shatters her to think that’s how JJ sees her now. Just another disappointment.
The glint in his blue eyes, warm chuckle on a lazy afternoon, small dimples near his cheeks, mischievous smirk are all slowly fading from her mind as if resigning themselves to simple memories of the past.
No matter what she felt or that she decided to leave the boys under the guise of being better for all of them, fate was a funny thing. It determines the people who will leave your life, and the people who will stay.
So it must’ve known what it was doing Labor Day weekend when Kiara was forced by a girl from her eco club to come to a boneyard party. She really didn’t want to be here, but hey free alcohol is free alcohol. Whatever it would take to drown her sorrows and make her forget how everything in her life had truly gone to ruin, she was more than eager to try.
Unfortunately no matter how many cups of tequila she downed, she was still fucking sad. Teens flitted all around her as she sat by herself on a tree stump close to the bonfire. Music blared from various speakers and several people tried to pull her up and out of her depression, but eventually they all gave up and left her to ruin her own mood.
Time felt frozen around her and it was growing harder and harder to breathe. It felt like waves of grief were drowning her just as sure as saltwater would have.
And she knew it was impossible to avoid this moment, it was a pretty small island, yet nothing could’ve prepared her to lay eyes on her boys again.
John B was bounding around with a group of guys, all smiles and celebratory shouting as they picked teams for beer pong.
Pope appeared at his side for a moment, then broke away to talk to some of his own people. He was so engaged in the conversation he began moving his hands around wildly in gestures. Kiara smiled wistfully at the familiar sight.
And JJ, she wishes she hadn’t seen at all. He was on the outskirts of the dance floor with some skinny blonde touron, casting those brilliant blues onto her. He was clearly working some sort of routine on her, spinning her around and whispering things into her ear that made her giggle.
The sight made everything in Kiara’s stomach threaten to come up. Her vision blurred and soon tears were rolling down her cheeks.
How was she meant to do this? To live here and go to school or work or sit in the middle of a party and watch her boys be happy. Without her. They all looked so content, like they were really better off without her.
She decided she had seen enough. Stumbled away from the crowds of people and all the shouting until it was quiet and the only sound was the waves softly meeting the sand. Here in the solitude did she allow herself a moment to just cry. Let out all the anger and sadness and hurt at being alone.
“Kiara?” a voice called out coldly from behind her. She didn’t need to look up to know who it was. What the hell was JJ doing out here and not with his flavor of the night.
She turned slowly and looked up from where she had sat in the sand, knees pulled to her chest. Sure enough, like some sort of inevitability, her ex-best friend stood above her. He kept a safe distance and had his features pulled tightly to hide whatever he might have been feeling deep down. She wasn’t able to read him this way, not like she usually could.
“JJ,” she sniffles and wipes the remaining tears from her face.
“Are you hurt?”
Her heart lurches. Even when she doesn’t deserve a speck of concern from him, he still went out of his way to check on her. She doesn’t understand it.
“No.”
“Great just checking. See you around,” he shoots out and begins to back away.
“Wait, wait please-” she begs and her voice breaks, forcing her to clear her throat.
“Yeah we aren’t going to do this.” he starts and shakes his head like he already knows what she’s about to say. That an apology, an explanation, something, is at the tip of her tongue.
“Please JJ. I know you don’t owe me anything-”
“No, I don't owe you anything Kiara! Jesus what did you think? You could flash me with a few tears, tell me how sorry you are, and all would be good? We’d go off to Rixon’s tomorrow and catch some swells?” he lashed out at her. The tone of his voice felt like poison infiltrating her heart, showing off just how wounded he is.
“No, I know I fucked up. I need you to know how sorry I am,” she urged, watching him roll his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.
“Are you sorry? Sure seemed like you were living the high life with the bubblegum princess. Where is she anyway? Shouldn’t you be getting drunk with her at the club or whatever it is you guys do?” He just had to hit her in every bleeding wound tonight. The mention of Sarah pulled more tears from her eyes.
“She left me. Guess we didn’t mean as much to her as I thought.”
His eyes softened for a second before he remembered himself.
“Bummer. Don’t worry though I’m sure there’s a line of stupid girls ready to be your friend.”
The words slashed her to her very core. And though she was sad, it was anger that took over her whole being now.
“What the FUCK is wrong with you!? Here I am trying to apologize, tell you how much I wish I could go back in time and do it all differently and you just insult me. Over and over! What can I do JJ to make it right? What is it going to take to get you to see that-”
“Nothing!” he cut her off and threw his hands in the air. “Fucking nothing Kiara! You CAN’T go back in time. So much shit has gone on and you…you just-” his voice slowly lowers and tapers off. He runs his fingers through his hair and settles on the ground in front of her.
“You left us,” he chokes out in a sort of disbelief. Tears are finally glistening on his fair skin and dropping lightly into the sand.
Kiara closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Nods her head and tries to gather everything she wants to say because she knows that whatever she says next might be the last thing she ever does.
“You’re right. I didn’t choose the prep school. And even after no one would be friends with me and I was in the worst place I’ve ever been, I still had you guys. And I should’ve tried harder. Then I met Sarah and I got swept up in it all,” she admits firmly.
JJ scoffs and tears his eyes from her.
“I am so sorry,” she begins, voice trembling and more tears threatening to fall. “I never ever meant to hurt you. I wanted to come back, god I wanted to JJ you have to believe me,”
“Then why didn’t you?” His tone was no longer hostile, but still held a tinge of bitter resentment.
Kiara shrugged her shoulders and pulled her lower lip between her teeth.
“I didn’t know how. I thought you guys would be so angry with me and I didn’t know how to make it right. I was afraid. And now I’ve ruined everything. I saw John B with his friends, Pope with his, and you twirling some girl around and I lost it. You all looked so happy and better without me. I’m miserable. I miss you guys so much,” she confesses sadly.
And it’s nothing but the truth. She misses fishing off the dock, climbing trees, spraining her back on the pullout couch no matter which way she slept. She misses Pope’s snoring and beating John B at poker because he can’t hide when he gets a bad hand. She misses creating random and insane snacks with JJ when they were high and super hungry.
She misses all of it.
“Kie, we aren’t better off. We miss you too, every day,” he whispers, finally meeting her eyes. Here and now she can see into his heart, the sadness he tried desperately to conceal from her shining as bright as the moon above them.
“Nothing has been the same since you left.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll spend every day saying that if you give me another chance. I know you’re angry but please,”
“Give you another chance? Jesus Kie,” he starts, an almost chuckle leaving his lips as he shakes his head once more. “You don’t need it. We love you.” JJ tells her softly. A breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding in escapes her.
She thinks the words “I love you” go unsaid by him, but the way he’s looking at her makes her feel it.
“Please don’t ever do that shit again,” JJ pleads and before she knows it and whether he wants it or not she throws herself into his arms. Sand flies everywhere around them and he is barely able to catch her and steady them so that they don’t fall into the cold water.
“I won’t, I promise.” she whispers in his ear and leans as far as she can into his space. Her head fits right into the crook of his neck and his bulky arms wrap around her middle, effectively trapping her in his lap. She takes a moment to breathe in the familiar scent of sea salt and motor oil and nicotine, lets it seep into her veins and works to mend her heart.
“Do you have weed? It’s been a nightmare of a time and I could really use it,” she pleads, pulling herself away from his chest just barely.
He shoots her with that telltale grin of his. She never thought she would see it again.
“What kinda question is that? Of course I do!” he turns and opens one of his many pockets in his cargo shorts to reveal a perfectly rolled joint.
“You’re an angel Maybank! I’ve missed Cousin Ricky’s shit,” she beamed and accepted the cigarette once he’d taken a hit from it.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been called an angel before,” he wonders and she rolls her eyes playfully. Inhales deeply and lets the weed settle into her bones. It takes less time than she remembers for her to feel all light and fuzzy like she does when they get high.
They both pull apart and lay down on their backs, passing the joint back and forth and memorizing the stars.
“Where’s the Big Dipper?” JJ asks after blowing smoke from his mouth.
“Umm,” Kiara looks around in the sky and eventually spots the tail star. “There! See that star at the top is the start of the tail,” she points up. JJ furrows his brows and continues to look around.
“I don’t see shit,”
“Here,” she says, grabbing his hand and pointing it in the right spot. She moves their hands to trace the entire constellation, quietly reveling in the warmth touching his skin provides her.
“Ohhh,”
She laughs softly and shakes her head fondly. “The big star is called Alkaid and it’s like 104 lightyears away I think,”
“The star is called Koolaid? Man that’s awesome,” JJ murmurs and moves to put his arm behind his head.
“No you idiot not Koolaid,” Kiara begins before her bubbly laugh overtakes her.
“What flavor is it?”
“Oh my lord,” she continues to laugh and roll her eyes. Realizes that high JJ doesn’t really comprehend many things and she might as well just give up and go with the flow. Squints up at the star and throws out her best guess.
“Prolly orange”
“Ew that’s the worst flavor,” JJ visibly cringes.
Kiara smiles at his antics and leans her head against his shoulder. She can feel the weight of the drugs lulling her into a quiet slumber. That in combination with the understanding that even after everything they’d been through, she and the boys would be ok. She and JJ would be ok.
Here against him, their skin pressed together, she feels like she would be content to do this with him forever. To always have him by her side. The tiny little voice in her heart screaming to tell him as much or kiss him at least begins rearing its head, just as it had a year ago.
She still can’t force herself to do it. Not as she is balancing on this precariously thin ice between them. Their foundation had always been rock solid but now, it was going to take a lot of work to get back to where they once were.
And Kiara was prepared to do whatever she had to.
Three
She couldn’t believe they were really gone. After the war they fought to find the gold and escape with what was rightfully theirs, the Cameron men had managed to turn everything around on them and now her best friend was dead.
John B was gone.
If she ever thought she knew what grief was before this, she was sorely mistaken. Every night before she closed her eyes and every morning when she woke up, the air in her lungs felt stilted. Her chest felt heavy with a weight that would never be removed.
She hardly ate anything. She couldn’t leave her bed for almost a week after the storm. After Shoupe and the other SBI officers walked into that tent with sympathetic glances.
“We lost them”
Her heart shattered, she watched Pope fight them with words and JJ fight them with his fists, both boys in their own states of shock and disbelief. She was just frozen.
Eventually she cried. She screamed and yelled and let anger burn in her veins for the lives her friends would never get to live. No storm that plagued the island could’ve come close to matching the ones in her heart.
One for John B, her golden hearted best friend who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Who didn’t deserve to lose his dad, let alone be dragged on an insane quest that would lead him to be framed for murder. Murder. No.
Nothing she eats stays down because her mind can’t stop reliving the moment. Can’t stop spiraling with the thoughts that he will never drive the twinkie again. Never take them to all his hidden spots, never challenge her to a marshmallow eating contest. She will never have his warm arms wrapped around her again, never hear his bolstering laughter.
And this grief makes sense. He has been her best friend for her entire life.
The second storm of loss swirling equally as fierce, is the one for Sarah. The only girl she connected with. She had just gotten her back, reconciling the wounds of their petty past, and now before they’ve even had a chance to talk and really be back together, the universe forced her away.
There is so much that will never come to be, she can practically feel her will to live slipping away like the Phantom boat had into the dark depths of the ocean.
Pope and JJ are the only things keeping her afloat. Not that they have been much help, their group held together barely, tearing to pieces as they learned how to go from five to three. Three seems so wrong. It’s like they all are missing limbs and nothing feels the same anymore.
JJ has been completely absent. She hasn’t seen him in days, and can’t imagine what has been running through his mind. She prays to whatever god is out there that he hasn’t gone home to his father. That he isn’t trying to find peace at the bottom of bottles or by instigating bloody battles for no reason.
Everything with her and Pope is weird. He’s more reserved than ever, hiding into his books and trying to do what his parents ask of him. He’s been to her house three times and each time, the air is awkward and conversation is forced between them.
Kiara never should’ve fucking kissed him.
She isn’t really sure what was going through her mind, she was just so desperate to have the old Pope back, smiling sweetly at her, that she pressed her lips to his before she could even think. And it felt wrong even as she did it.
She wanted to blame her emotions. The heat of the moment because they were sending off their best friend without knowing when they’d see him again. She couldn’t lose anyone else.
But in closing the gap between them, bridging the way to enter an unknown territory, she’d unknowingly done something that put more distance than she could ever realize between the Pogues.
Kiara hadn’t seen the way JJ stepped back, visibly torn at the sight of witnessing his best friend’s kiss. His eyes shining with longing and maybe a modicum of despair. She hadn’t seen it, but he was the first thing on her mind as she pulled away from Pope.
Why did she do that? Why is she kissing Pope right now and not JJ? Everything was fucking wrong, all of their feelings mixed around and turned upside down.
And now she led Pope on. Made him believe she loved him back when she knew for sure she didn't. Has never felt the flutter of butterflies in her stomach, the rapid beating of her heart, ever present warmth in her cheeks like when JJ looks at her from across the room.
When she told him that she regretted the kiss, he looked upset but not surprised.
“Yeah I figured this was coming” he had said and assured her they could stay friends. He made it easy to walk away from him. Kiara wondered what he meant by that. Did he see something she didn’t? Did he know more than he let on?
He rarely replied to her texts after that and when JJ went radio silent she started to get really worried. She figured Pope needed some time to mend his heart break and work through his emotions and so she granted him that space. Whatever he needed to be better again so that their family would remain instead of crumble.
It took her an hour to convince her parents to let her leave the house, but she had to know if JJ was ok. She forced herself to be brave for him and she walked down the gravel path she had a million times before.
The Chateau stood in all its glory, walls strong and sturdy and unaware that its owner would never walk them again. From the outside it was just as they left it. The inside was a different story.
The police had taken several days to ransack through the house, gathering evidence and all of Big John’s research to form a case that would align with Ward’s lies. Furniture was completely turned over and clothes littered the floor. Trash was strewn all over every spare surface.
The sight brought tears to her eyes. This was her childhood home. If she closes her eyes long enough she can still hear the echoes of her and the boy’s laughter as they ran around playing hide and seek. She learned how to play the ukulele right here on this ratty couch. Made each of the boys their own personalized friendship bracelets and four with the same matching pattern for them to keep on their wrists always.
Her stomach turns knowing that John B’s is buried at the bottom of the sea floor now.
“JJ,” she calls out, shaking herself out of the depressing trip down memory lane. He has to be here. If he isn’t here, he’s somewhere much much worse and she can’t think about that, can’t handle it in fact.
“Jage, are you here,” she shouts some more, inspecting each and every room for any trace of him.
Kiara doesn’t get a response so she moves in frustration out onto the screened in porch and into the backyard. She casts her gaze at the water and watches the reeds sway lightly in the wind. She’s always found calmness and peace in nature, in the places untouched and uncorrupted by humanity. Now however it seems even that isn’t enough to keep her tears from falling and her heart from breaking.
A soft snore breaks through the silence and she whips her head towards the grove of oak trees that hold their hammocks up faithfully.
And there JJ is, cuts all over his arms and face detailing the week he’s been through and confirming all her worst fears. She can’t help but shake him lightly until he wakes up.
“JJ,”
“Oh god, you scared me Kie!” he startles, jumping upright and placing his hand across his heart. “Don’t sneak up on a man like that,”
“You are ridiculous! Answer your goddamn phone! I was worried sick,” she berated him before pulling him into a hug. He tensed at first, then relaxed in her arms.
“Msorry Kie. My phone died because it’s a piece of shit and I can’t find a charger. Went home and well you can see how that went,” he gestured to all the wounds covering him. Her lip trembles as she pulls away from him and grazes her fingers gently over the cut on his cheek.
“God Jage, please promise me you won’t go back there, I can’t-”
“It’s not that big of a deal, just a few-”
“NO! Don’t do that,” she cries, unable to level her emotions. “Don’t act like your life means nothing, don’t make it seem less than what it is.” she pleads. That’s how it’s been all their lives, JJ throwing himself into fire and burning so long as they are all safe and sound. Risking his life because he’s been told he’s worth nothing. But that’s a lie. He’s worth everything to her.
“I can’t lose you too. We have to stay together now ok,” she sniffles. He nods his head wordlessly and ushers them to lay side by side.
They don’t say a thing for a long while, just let the sadness and silence exist comfortably between them. The sun projects blazing orange and bright gold rays all around them as it fades into the horizon.
She doesn’t even have to say anything this time as JJ pulls out a joint.
It’s marvelous how well he knows her. How he is so attuned to her every need, without even trying. Pope had to force himself to be someone he wasn’t, make promises that didn’t agree with his own future in an attempt to be with her. JJ never had to speak. At every turn, it was never a doubt in her mind whether he would be by her side or not. Kiara could imagine them now, surfing waves in Australia or riding elephants in Indonesia.
Once again the thought of Sarah entered her mind and she willed herself not to cry for like the tenth time that day. Sarah would know what to say in this situation and how to help her make sense of her feelings. But she and John B aren’t here and now Kiara is left with two boys, intertwined together and broken in all sorts of ways.
“Have you talked to Pope lately,” she asks, inhaling deeply and turning to meet JJ’s eyes.
“No. Figured you two were keeping each other company,” he shrugged and she immediately wanted to set the record straight. She couldn’t let him think that they were together or something, and why that was she wasn’t quite high enough to unpack yet.
“Umm I’ve seen him a few times. He and I are just-”
“No need to give me the speech, I get it. Just please keep the making out to a minimum around me that’s all I ask,” he teases in a hollow attempt at a joke. Even as his mouth lifts in a half smile, the blue in his eyes reflects a sadness back at her that she can see crystal clearly.
Something about the weed coursing through her system and the way the full moon and stars glisten down onto his tanned skin makes Kiara feel like she could say anything to him right now.
And what she really wants to do is slap him silly and yell ‘don’t you get it? I fucking love you, just you. Not Pope.’
Instead she settles on a safer version of the truth.
“You don’t know how wrong you are. We aren’t…we aren’t together like that. It was weird and we’ve all been through so much I can’t even deal with any of it right now. I just want to be here ok,” she urges and he nods in understanding.
She shuffles down to rest her head on his shoulder and JJ stubs the joint out on the ground below them. He lays his chin down on top of her head and she can feel him press a kiss to her curls.
“I miss them,” she whispers out shakily, hoping that confession won’t send him over the edge or recoiling away from her touch. With JJ it is always a delicate act of revealing your emotions without making him feel cornered. Because when he feels forced to open up or trapped in vulnerability he tends to lash out.
Not tonight.
Tonight the weed warms their bodies and lulls them into tranquility.
“I do too,” he mumbles and exhales against her.
+One
“Guess what I found?” JJ’s happy voice rings out clearly through the house as he makes his way upstairs to where their room is.
When she has a little free time, Kiara likes to sit on the balcony and paint the ocean or the sky above the harbor. They’ve been living with John B and Sarah in Sarah’s apartment for close to a week now and it’s been nice to take a moment and just be one with nature. Helps keep her mind off the deep betrayals and forceful hands that have left bruises on her both physical and metaphorical.
Once the Pogues had returned from South America, they held a small memorial for Big John and Sarah even honored Ward by planting a small cross in the Kildare Cemetery. In the grand scheme of things they had been cheated out of riches beyond their wildest dreams, but at this point they were grateful to have their lives and a few chunks of El Dorado to help them out.
Pope, Cleo, and the Heywards began looking into how to start a museum for Denmark Tanney, in order to honor his legacy despite all the hardships he faced and destruction of several of his artifacts thanks to Rafe and his ignorance.
They were beginning to draw up the plans and it seemed like a good step in the right direction.
John B and Sarah have been shells of their former selves. Kiara does her best to be there for them, cheer them up when she can, but she knows they are taking the losses hard. For better or for worse, their fathers are gone and they have leaned on each other more than anything to cope with that.
JJ has spent most of his time working. Even though they have enough money to live comfortably, something is almost embedded in him to work. It’s all he’s ever done to survive and that wasn’t stopping anytime soon.
And Kiara is desperately trying to heal from the Kitty Hawk incident. With JJ’s steadfast loyalty and the help of the other Pogues, she’s beginning to feel safe again. It’s been impossibly hard to grapple with the understanding that she will never step foot in her house ever again. The relationship between her mother and father now severed entirely the moment those men forced her into that van.
She mourns for the seven year old little girl in her who snuck into her parent’s bed in the middle of the night to snuggle with them, or spent countless days cooking in the kitchen with her dad, trying to memorize his style in hopes of being just like him.
Now there is no possible way she could see them again. Wouldn’t be able to look them in the eyes or allow their arms to wrap around her without remembering how they literally had her kidnapped.
And for what?
To have her work through some made up behavioral disorder? To atone for all the wrecked cars and sneaking out and fugitive activities? Or for being the kind of daughter they couldn't have in their precious Kook bubble? They didn’t want her as she was, a simple yet painful truth she had committed in her heart. There wasn’t room for her passion about the environment, her blazing opinions on the social injustice of this island, the way she moves wildly and throws caution to the wind every single day with her boys.
In reality it boiled down to them.
Her father wanted to make sure she would purge them from her life forever and then maybe just maybe she could be saved. ‘Jokes on him’ Kiara thinks as she stands to wrap her arms around JJ’s neck. He’s in her life forever. He always was going to be, but now they had crossed the line they’d been dancing on for years.
All of the intense gazes and jealousy driven fights have faded away and in their place, a steady feeling of security. Of safety in knowing that he is her person and there’s no length he wouldn’t go to to make sure she knew how loved she was. Treasured for exactly the person she is.
“What did you find? Should I be worried,” she teased, basking in the warm grin he sends her and the way his arms wrap tightly around her hips.
“Nah,” he waves her off and pulls a tarp looking thing out of his bag. “I found us a new hammock, figured we could use an upgrade. That thing was about to give out on us.”
Kiara’s eyes widened in delight and she giggled. “Yeah that sounds about right.”
“Can we go hang it now?” she asked, eager to tie it up between the two willow oaks in their backyard.
“Mhmm,” he smiled and his blue eyes glistened back at her lovingly.
It only took several minutes to secure the knots and a minimal amount of bickering to get the job done. Kiara stepped back and watched the light blue fabric sway in the wind.
For some reason the moment felt special. It was a symbol of their new life, free of parental expectations and constant danger. The hammock was a beautiful tribute to the years of their past in an understated kind of way. To the nights they spent getting cross faded, narrowly avoiding being eaten alive by bugs while trying to memorize the stars. It felt like keeping a piece of the Chateau with them always.
“I brought a little somethin’ to celebrate the occasion,” JJ announces and presents her with a bag of several joints. She rolls her eyes fondly.
“Should’ve known that’s where this was headed,”
“Baby, this is what we do come on now,” he teases, his tone lighthearted and playful. He bumps his shoulder against hers as he’s done a million times before and maybe it’s the delicate dimples on his cheeks or the way the sun is hitting his face, but Kiara is just so fucking gone for him.
It still hits her hard that he is hers. And she is his. That after all this time, the silent battles they’ve been fighting to be seen by one another are over. She can intertwine their fingers together without a reason, annoy the Pogues and enact payback on John B and Sarah by having really loud sex and flirting constantly. Kiss him whenever she feels like it.
And so she does. Pushes herself as close to him as physically possible, savoring the taste of mint and nicotine on his lips.
After several minutes of their tongues tangling together, both of them fighting for dominance, Kiara pulls away from him and moves to lay down on the hammock.
“Damn, remind me to bring you weed more often,” he jokes and slides into his place next to her. She lifts her neck so that he can wrap his arm around her and rests her head on his chest. The steady rise and fall of his chest allows a wave of comfort to wash over her.
“Why else do you think I keep you around?”
JJ pretends to look hurt and grasps his chest dramatically with one hand while smoking with the other. “You wound me, woman!”
Kiara rolls her eyes and grins widely at him before snatching the joint from his hand. Revels in the gentle familiarity of lightness it brings to her almost instantly.
Being here with JJ at this moment reminds her of all the times they had done this before. When her feelings were hidden far away and she was too terrified to make a move in anticipation of disaster ensuing.
Now everything has changed.
Now, he is teaching her how to move on and heal from the wounds of her past. And she is teaching him the same. To see himself as she does and understand he is worthy of all the love she has to give. Kiara figures now is as good a time as any to remind him of that.
“Hey, I love you,” she says effortlessly with a fond smile. JJ’s eyes soften and the way he looks at her almost knocks the air from her lungs. It’s an intense admiration, a constant burn of desire that she honestly doesn’t know what to do with.
He runs his fingers through her curls and presses a chaste kiss to her forehead.
“I love you too,” he echoes back, as certain as the sun setting around them.
“It’s crazy to think about how much has happened. You know I used to sit across from you all the time and the higher I got, the more I wanted to tell you how I felt,” she admits hesitantly, peeling back a layer of their history and her heart to reveal to him.
“It’s so nice to be able to say it now. Anytime I want,” she sighs softly and he smiles at her. His eyes shine bluer than she’s ever seen and he pulls her closer to him. Inhales a hit and tilts his head down to blow the smoke right into her mouth.
She sucks it in deeply before crashing their lips together for the third time. No drug, no specially grown, hydroponic version of Cousin Ricky’s cripple could ever be as intoxicating to her as JJ Maybank. And so she let herself get as high as possible, lost in the feelings of lust and love that blazed fiercely between them until long into the night time.
She didn’t know what was going to happen next, the future an uncertain blank puzzle waiting to be solved, yet she felt a deep sense of relief knowing she would have her best friends and the love of her life by her side always.