Chapter Text
The moment Jinyoung wakes up with his head spinning and feeling like there's a weight on his chest, he knew this day was going to be a long one.
Sighing, he pushes through the protests of his body telling him to lie back down and ignores the way the room spins in a nauseating way. He breathes through it, cursing. Of all the times he could have gotten sick, it just had to be during the time when they're all busy with the upcoming comeback.
The past few days have been stressful. Even though Jinyoung tries to cheer and motivate everyone after a run down of their choreographies, it doesn't really do much to ease everyone's stress. He tries not to think about it, telling himself that everyone's just on edge lately, but it's hard to do so when they all throw him annoyed looks from the other side of the studio when he's just trying to get them to smile from a corny joke.
Still, he pushes that hurt away and directs it onto the rehearsals. After all, he couldn’t afford to mess everything up, especially with how hard everyone’s been working lately. Especially now. Despite the heaviness and fatigue of his body, Jinyoung will not let that bring the others down. They’re already falling a bit behind schedule, and the comeback was more important than this stupid sickness. He’s not going to rest just because of this when they still have so much to do.
It’s just a cold, anyway. He can push through it.
The ‘cold’ progressed into a full on fever by the time Jinyoung got to the dance studio, but he’s still not going to let that stop the whole group. His head is pounding now against the bright lights of the room and through the loud music booming through the walls. The dizziness was nauseating, and dancing really didn’t help to ease his stomach. He only drank a cup of coffee earlier, which, in retrospect, really is not a good breakfast item, especially when you’re sick.
Jinyoung breathes through the pain, sweat dripping off his forehead as his vision tilts dangerously when he spun around at the first part of the choreography. He stumbles over his own feet and lets go of Yugyeom's hand, waiting for the dizziness to stop.
“Hyung—come on.” Yugyeom’s annoyed voice sounds muffled in Jinyoung’s ears. “We practiced this yesterday.”
“Sorry,” he mutters, not meeting anyone’s eyes in the room. Even though he’s not facing them, he feels small under everyone’s gaze.
The song restarts, and Jinyoung feels worse than ever. It was odd to rehearse hearing nothing but the music playing because usually the studio would be bustling with noises on a normal day. But today wasn't a normal day. The past few days haven't been.
He'd rather have everyone laughing and being loud and running around the room because right now, the silence was so much more deafening.
By the time they reached the first chorus, Jinyoung felt like he'd been practicing for hours now. His body feels so heavy, and he's panting as he dances across the studio. He's made a lot of mistakes in the choreography at this point, and Jinyoung knows that everyone didn't miss it. He can feel their glares on his back.
And maybe it was because of the stupid fever, but suddenly there's tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He feels horrible, and on top of that he now feels like he's bringing everyone down. Why did he have to get sick now?
When the song ends, the entire world spins and Jinyoung has to lean against the wall for support. He breathes through the waves of pain coursing through his body and pretends not to notice the angered looks on everyone's faces.
"Get it together, Jinyoung." Mark tells him firmly. "We don't have all day here, you know."
Jinyoung just nods, his stomach twisting in a way that wasn't because of the nausea.
"We should be polishing the dance today," Bambam mutters under his breath. Jinyoung has to bite his lip to stop the tears rapidly forming in his eyes. This is so stupid. Why is he even crying over this?
Still, he couldn't shake off the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. His heart feels heavy, knowing that he's causing more stress for his members.
"I'm sorry."
So, despite the fever aches, Jinyoung continued to push through the rehearsals, pushing his body to its limits even when he felt on the verge of passing out. He can rest later. For now, he can't waste this practice session just because of a sickness. Which, in retrospect, is a bit hypocritical for him to say, considering how strict he is when another member is sick, not letting him take a step inside the studio and insisting for him to rest at home instead.
But that's them. To himself, though? Jinyoung couldn't care less. He'd dance until his body physically gives up on him if it means not burdening the others. Of course, he would never let any of them feel that way, like they're a burden to everyone. Only he could.
Because he is.
An hour later, everyone isn't even trying to suppress their anger towards Jinyoung anymore.
He didn't blame them. He couldn't even count the amount of mistakes he's made since the beginning. Apart from that, he feels completely and utterly horrible. Everything hurts that it's taking all of what little energy he has left to not burst into tears right in the middle of the studio.
The bright lights do nothing but magnify the splitting migraine pounding through his head, and it's only made worse by the rigorous dancing. His stomach twists and turns uncomfortably as he stands there leaning heavily against the wall, the world spinning and his breaths unsteady.
"What is wrong with you today, Jinyoung?" Jaebeom almost shouts from the other side of the studio, glaring right at him.
Apart from the guilt those words alone elicited, Jinyoung also felt a bit hurt that none of them noticed how bad he was feeling. Were they all so stressed that they didn't even notice he was sick?
But nevermind that. It wasn't important. The important thing was that he has utterly messed up today's rehearsals, and he would not rest until he perfects this choreography even if it takes all day.
"Hyung," Youngjae throws him an annoyed look as he sits down on the floor. "We're all tired here. Can you focus? We should be done by now."
"Y—yeah. I just—"
"If you won't take this seriously, we might as well just continue this tomorrow," Jackson snaps at him, throwing a towel toward where their bags are a little too forcefully.
Jinyoung drops his head, refusing to look anyone in the eye. He didn't want them to see the tears in his eyes. His breaths were beginning to quicken, hands shaking and his head spinning. "I—sorry."
"You know, you keep saying that but you're not doing anything." Jaebeom says, chuckling bitterly. He sounded angry. Disappointed. It makes Jinyoung's heart twist with suffocating guilt.
"Can you at least look at us?!" Mark shouts across the tense air in the room. Jinyoung flinches, and everyone stays silent, waiting for his reply.
"Jinyoung, I swear to—"
With all the energy he has left, Jinyoung meets everyone's glares, tears steadily running down his face. In a split second, all of their expressions changed into one of shock. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just—I, I don't—"
He couldn't breathe. Why couldn't he breathe?
"I—I'm sorry f-for being a burden, I'm sorry—I'll practice later, I p-promise," he wheezes through the sobs wracking his body. It hurts. Everything hurts. Why did he have to be like this? Why ?
"Jinyoung—" Mark immediately lunged forward as Jinyoung fell to the floor, five different voices shouting his name in panic as Mark just barely caught the younger one in his arms. His body was burning hot, and tears were staining his flushed cheeks. Guilt crept to his heart quickly like vines. How could he have not noticed that Jinyoung was sick?
"Hyung, is he okay?" Mark looked up to see Bambam's worried eyes glancing at the unconscious Jinyoung in his arms. The others were huddled around them, wearing equal expressions of concern and guilt.
"He's burning up," he mutters, gently wiping the tears off the younger's face. Even when Jinyoung was asleep, he still looked like he was in pain. "Get the car ready guys. Let's take him home."
"I'll carry him to the car," Yugyeom offers, and Mark nods. Jackson headed over to the parking lot to get the car while the others helped in propping Jinyoung over Yugyeom's back.
As they made their way out of the studio, they looked over at their sick friend, the image of a crying Jinyoung from moments earlier etched onto their minds.
I'm sorry for being a burden.
Yugyeom couldn't get those words out of his mind as he looked at the still unconscious Jinyoung leaning against Jackson in the car.
Had Jinyoung always felt that way and none of them knew? It makes his heart ache at the thought that the person always taking care of them, always being there for them, had been bottling up all those things to himself because he didn't want to be a bother.
"He'll be okay." Jackson tells him, placing a hand atop Yugyeom's. The worry must've shown on his face.
"I know, it's just…" An image of Jinyoung's bright eye smile goes through his mind for a brief second. Had his hyung been hiding his personal troubles behind his smile? "How could we have not known?"
It goes beyond more than the fever and both of them knew it. Of all people, they should've known that Jinyoung wasn't okay. That he'd been feeling like this for God knows how long.
Jackson glances at Jinyoung, frowning. "Jinyoung's just that kind of person who won't tell others if he's struggling."
Yugyeom nods. "I hate it. Why does the kindest people always have to suffer?"
Jackson finds that he doesn't have a reply to that, and for the rest of the car ride they keep their eyes on Jinyoung.
Jinyoung wakes up to a pounding headache and faint, familiar voices. It takes him a while to recover from the incessant ache coursing through his whole body before he figures out where he is — their dorm.
Everything before now is all a hazy blur, but he does vaguely remember being in the dance studio right before everything turned black and various concerned voices calling out his name. Somewhere along the way, he could've sworn someone was running their hand through his hair while soft chatters seemed to echo in the background.
He breathes in and slowly sits up, the whole room spinning as he does so. The dizziness and nausea came back in full force, and for a moment Jinyoung stayed completely still in fear of throwing up.
When it did subside, he took note of his surroundings. It's now noon, with the sun shining brightly through the curtains, and when he looks down, there's a couple of blankets strewn across his body and some on the floor. The coffee table has a plate of fried rice alongside a glass of water and some packet of medicine. On a normal day, he would've loved the sight of the dish, but right now, with his stomach churning uncomfortably, he just wants to get rid of it. The aroma of it did nothing to ease the growing nausea.
He just sits there for a while, wincing as his head throbs painfully for a moment before the voices from the other side of the room becomes louder until eventually, he's met with the sight of his six friends around the living room. They were chatting amongst themselves in hushed voices and then abruptly stopped upon seeing Jinyoung.
"Hey," Yugyeom said with a small smile. "How are you feeling?"
"Horrible," Jinyoung mutters. Then he remembers the feeling of someone stroking his hair gently, and he blushes slightly. He doesn't think he could ever get used to the feeling of being taken care of, even though it happens quite a lot between them.
"You should eat," the younger gestures towards the dish on the table. "You haven't eaten anything since this morning."
But Jinyoung only wanted to sleep and forget about this day. About what happened earlier. About what he'd said earlier. The air was tense around them, and Jinyoung knew it was because of that. Why did he even say that?
Stupid. He curses himself. You're so stupid.
"I, uh, don't want to eat right now," he says quietly, fiddling with his hands.
Concern flashes across Yugyeom's eyes, and he moves over to sit beside Jinyoung on the couch.
"Hyung, are you okay?" He said softly, and from the way Yugyeom looked at him with sad, worried eyes, Jinyoung knew he wasn't asking about the fever.
So Jinyoung bites his lips, willing for this to be just a horrible dream and that he'd really wake up soon. But with the looks on everyone's faces, and the gentle touch of Yugyeom's hand on his back, he came to the conclusion that this was reality.
"I'm fine, don't worry about me." Jinyoung mutters, and he knows that all of them didn't believe that. For so long he'd tried to hide this from them because he knew this would happen — that he'd just waste their time with his stupid emotions. It just wasn't fair to them. They were all working so hard for this comeback, toppled with their own schedules; of course he wouldn't get in the way. All of them barely have any time at all.
"Just rest for now, Jinyoung-ah," Jaebeom says over the sudden tense silence between them. "When you feel better, we can talk then."
"Just…" Jackson trails off, sighing. His voice was gentle, almost like a whisper. "That's not true, Jinyoung. I hope you know that."
Jinyoung knew exactly what he was talking about, and even though he gave a small nod, he just couldn't bring it in him to believe those words.