Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In the vast, green expanse of Mushroom Valley, a small, yellow house stands alone. On the mailbox, the last name of its residents is printed: “Mario”. 

Inside the house, on the desk in the brothers’ shared bedroom, lies a letter, stamped with the official Mushoom Kingdom emblem.

Dear Mario,

I have baked a cake for you. I would greatly appreciate it if you and your brother would come share it. It’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I’d hoped to catch up with how you two are doing after… the incident.

Yours truly,

Princess Toadstool

“Peach”

——

We cut to the Mushroom Castle as Lakitu flies through the sky, adjusting the camera. He floats down and zooms in on a small clearing nearby. From the ground emerges a Warp Pipe, and after a moment, a man dressed in blue overalls, a red shirt, a matching cap embroidered with an “M” on the front, with white gloves and brown shoes, emerges. He has brown hair and a matching mustache, and his blue eyes sparkle. He grins as he sees the castle ahead of him.

“Oh, boy! Cake! And all for Mario!”

The Italian didn’t know about Peach inviting Luigi. He had read as far as “cake” and rushed to the Warp Pipe near his house.

As Mario ran to the castle, Lakitu followed him, a camera hanging off of the stick in his hand as he filmed the whole thing.

Mario jumped as he ran to the doors, but ended up jumping too late and slamming his head against the door frame. He fell to the stone below, rubbing his head and grimacing in pain.

“Mamafucker…” he muttered as he recovered, then quickly burst through the castle doors, knocking them off their hinges. 

“MARIO’S HERE FOR CAKE, BOOIIIIISSS!”

The castle foyer, walls decorated like a clear sky, was practically empty. A sun mosaic decorated the floor in the center of the room. Red velvet stairs let up to the castle’s balcony above.

The only person there, standing near the entrance hallway, was a small, human-like figure, with brown shoes, a blue vest, pitch-black eyes, and a mushroom-shaped hat, white with red spots.

“Hello, Toad!” Mario said cheerfully. “Where’s-a the princess? She said there was cake!”

Toad sighed. “There’s no cake, Mario. She lied.”

Mario’s face fell. “Wh… what?”

“We recently had to repair the warp pipe between your house and the castle,” Toad explained. “Peach used the letter to convince you to use it, testing it out and making sure the pipe works.”

“But the letter–”

“The cake was a lie.”

“You’re-a lying!” Mario growled.

“The cake was a lie!” Toad insisted. “THE. CAKE. WAS. A–”

Mario screamed in rage and ran back out the door, leaving Toad alone in the castle foyer. The mushroom man grinned, a chuckle escaping his mouth.

“Sucker…”

——

Princess Peach laid out a blanket outside and set down the platter holding the cake. She sighed, a smile crossing her face as her golden hair danced in the gentle breeze.

She heard an angered scream coming from the castle and turned to see Mario running towards her.

“Oh, Mario, you’re here!” she said warmly. “Where’s Luigi? I invited both–”

“Fucking liar!”

“Wh-What?”

Mario grabbed Peach, lifting her above his head and tossing her across the field. She slammed into the fence and came to a stop. Mario began to shake out of sheer anger.

“I’m so mad! I think I’m gonna–”

Mario suddenly exploded, a small golden coin taking his place, bouncing off the ground a few times before coming to a stop.

“Aaaand CUT!”

Mario’s explosion played in reverse, restoring the Italian to his previous state. “Oh-ho, that was sure fun.”

“Speak for yourself,” Toad muttered, exiting the castle.

Lakitu lowered the camera. looking over the footage.

“Great work, guys!” he said cheerfully. “This is good footage! I just need to bring it to the boss so he can edit it and submit it.”

“Yes, but what about Mario’s pay?”

Lakitu blinked. “Oh yeah.” He pulled a plate of spaghetti from his cloud and tossed it to the Italian. Mario cheered and ran into the castle to do… whatever it was he did with his spaghetti.

“He doesn’t need to pay me,” Peach said, smiling. “It’s just a small favor. After all, he did help save the kingdom from that horrible USB.”

“I ain’t doing any of that mushy crap,” Toad muttered. “Where’s my pay? And I ain’t taking spaghetti.”

Lakitu's eyes darted around. "I, uh... I'll ask him about that."

With that, Lakitu floated away.

“…Of course.”

Chapter Text

Many have heard the tales of the events in the Mushroom Kingdom. Of course, it is not the only sovereignty in this world. Across the ocean from the Mushroom Kingdom lies the Waa Kingdom, a much smaller kingdom, and a place of peace and prosperity.

Except for one, singular person.

“GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER!”

Waluigi, a tall, lanky mad clad in a purple cap and black overalls, ran as fast as his legs could take him, carrying a briefcase in his hand. His brown shoes were pointed at the tips. Upside-down L’s were printed on his hat and gloves. 

The WAA police were close behind him. Waluigi ran as fast as he could go, hoping to get away with his newfound cash. That is, until he tripped over a rock and the police caught him. As they arrested him, Mayor Waa, a Lakitu with the signature Waa Kingdom mustache and a top hat, and leader of the Waa Kingdom, hovered over him.

“I am sick of your shit.”

——

Waluigi sat within a courtroom, huffing. Dozens of citizens filled the rows behind him.

“Waluigi, you have committed many crimes in our Waa Kingdom,” Mayor Waa said. “This includes…”

He looked down at the list, his eyes widening.

“Assault, arson, destruction of property, grand theft larceny, stealing a kid’s ice cream, disrespect of religion, vandalism, near accidental vehicular manslaughter, swearing in front of children, sleeping with my husband, possession of firearms without a license, drug trafficking, prank calling the police, kidnapping…”

He cleared his throat. “Long story short, basically every law here. So, Waluigi, what do you have to say for all these atrocities?”

Waluigi stared at Mayor Waa before grinning. He held up his hands and shot him two middle fingers while dancing and singing.

“Fuck the po-lice comin’ straight from the underground!”

——

Waluigi soon found himself on a small rowboat in the ocean, having been exiled for his crimes. He pulled out all that he had for company: a toothbrush and his lucky rubber Waa Duck.

He was content with this. He’d never been wanted by anyone. Not his parents, who abandoned him after the apparent death of his brother; not the orphanage, who threw him out to the streets as soon as they could; not even the street gangs, who only used him as bait.

So why should now be any different?

——

In the Mushroom Kingdom, under a bridge, Wario yawned as he sat up on his couch. He looked up to see The Bowser Channel on.

“Boo!” he muttered. “This channel stinks.”

Bowser Jr. popped up. “HELLO, LOSERS! Welcome to the channel where we praise my awesome dad!”

He looked to the screen behind him. “Now let’s see the daily stats of my father!”

The screen changed, now displaying said stats.

Money stolen today: $90,000,000

Princesses kidnapped: 0

Fabulous levels: +10,000%

Bowser’s mood: AWESOME

Quote of the day: “STOP FILMING ME, JUNIOR! You little shit…”

Bowser Jr. turned back to the camera, the background changing to outside the castle. “And the biggest news for today! My dad had an awesome new statue of himself made! Aaand it’s made entirely out of gold!”

The camera zoomed out, revealing a gold Bowser statue.

Wario’s jaw dropped. “OH MY GAWD!”

He quickly leapt into his kart and drove off.

——

Wario soon found himself outside Bowser’s castle. The statue stood tall near the entrance. 

Wario hid behind a pole beside the drawbridge, sneaking a look. The statue was guarded by Koopa Troopas and Goombas. Wario hummed, turning around, only to spot a lone Koopa Troopa walking by. He grinned as an idea formed.

——

Two Koopa Troopa watched as the other one ran around screaming, his shell missing.

“Yo, what happened to Daniel’s shell?” one asked.

“Dunno, man, but you gotta admit, this is kinda funny to watch.”

“…You’re not wrong.”

The two were so distracted by Daniel running around that they failed to notice Wario, now wearing the Koopa’s shell, sneaking past them. Getting behind the statue, Wario removed the shell, tossing it away, and chuckled.

“Wario time!”

He picked up the statue and began running off with it… only to trip over a rock. The statue fell, its head breaking off. The noise attracted the attention of all of Bowser’s troops, including the now-shelled Daniel.

Wario growled, but froze when he heard a loud thud from behind him. He slowly turned around to see King Bowser Koopa himself standing there. Bowser roared in anger.

Wario screamed, grabbing the head and making a run for it as Bowser and his troops gave chase.

——

Waluigi lay in his boat. He sighed. He’d been out here for two days now.

As he sat up, he saw something in the distance. It looked like… land? A few giant mushrooms could be seen dotting the hillside. 

Waluigi excitedly began paddling his way towards the landmass. He could have a new home!

——

A member of the Royal Mushroom Kingdom Police (RMKP for short) stood on the cliffside near the ocean. He quickly spotted something in the water and pulled out a pair of binoculars.

It was a boat, with a man sitting inside. The man was dancing in celebration as the boat drew closer to land.

The officer slowly lowered the binoculars. He then pulled out his police radio.

“Boys… we got ‘em.”

——

Waluigi paused as the sound of police sirens rang out. He looked behind him to see the officer from the cliff heading towards him on a speedboat.

“STAAHP RIGHT THEEERE!” the officer shouted.

Waluigi began panicking, paddling as fast as he could toward a river that fed into the ocean.

——

Wario ran as fast as he could, carrying the golden Bowser head above his head, only to find himself at a cliff overlooking a river that fed into the ocean. He turned around to see Bowser in his Clown Car approaching, flanked by a Koopa Troopa and a Goomba.

“GIVE ME BACK MY HEAD!” he roared.

Wario growled, shaking his head. He turned around, looking to the other side of the river. 

“Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh YEAH!”

Wario made the leap. Time seemed to slow down as he flew towards the cliff opposite him…

And proceeded to smash headfirst into it and fall towards the river below.

——

Waluigi chuckled as his boat floated down the river. Suddenly, a massive, shiny object fell out of the sky and landed in his boat. A closer looked revealed it to be the golden Bowser head. Waluigi’s eyes widened. This… this must be valuable.

It was then followed by Wario.

Wario quickly recovered. He and Waluigi gazed at each other for a bit, then looked to the head. Then back at each other. 

They grabbed the head and began pulling, each trying to claim the head for himself.

Bowser laughed as he floated down towards them. Wario and Waluigi stopped fighting and began to panic.

“FREEZE!”

The two turned to see that the officer had caught up to him.

“My backup behind me will arrest you!” he shouted as police cars rained out of the sky and into the river. Wario and Waluigi desperately attempted to paddle away, but only ended up spinning the boat in circles.

Waluigi decided to cut his losses, grabbing the head and diving out of the boat. He quickly began swimming away, Wario not far behind.

“YOUSONUVABITCH!”

Waluigi soon made it to the beach, only to be tackled to the ground by Wario, who began beating him up.

“HOW YOU FUCKING LIKE THAT, YOU MOTHERFUCKING–”

Suddenly, a cannon fell from the sky, landing at the edge of the beach and aiming at the two. Bowser popped up and took the controls.

“BIATCH!”

As the cannon targeted Wario, the man began to panic. He tossed the head to Waluigi.

“Here you go!”

“Oh yea!”

The cannon targeted Waluigi.

“NAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Waluigi threw it to Wario, who quickly tossed it back. They tossed it back and forth, the cannon moving between them rapidly.

Bowser growled. “TWO KIDS GON’ DIE TONIGHT!”

He fired, the resulting explosion sending Wario, Waluigi, and the golden Bowser head flying. They landed on a cliff above, groaning as they rose.

“Who do you think you are, buster?” Wario growled.

Waluigi grinned and posed. “WAAAAluigi!”

Wario paused. He flashed back to his childhood. Was… was this…?

“RUN BITCH!”

Wario looked up to see Waluigi running away, the Bowser head in hand. He quickly gave chase.

“DON’T FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM ME!”

Waluigi paused as he neared a road. He saw a car get stopped by an officer, his car parked on the side of the road. The officer pulled out a wanted poster, with a crude picture of Waluigi on it, and showed it to the driver.

Waluigi began to panic.

“WARIIIIIIIIIIII–”

Wario tackled Waluigi from behind, sending them and the head tumbling into the back of a passing pickup truck. It stopped next to the police officer.

“Excuse me,” the officer said, looking to the driver – an old lady who had come to be known to many as Raisin Lady. “Have you seen this person?”

Raisin Lady looked closely at it, her bad vision making the image blurry.

“Uhhh… ummmm… is that… uhh… umm… Hobo!? Honey, is that you?” Her face lit up. “Oh, that’s my husband! He’s in the back!”

The officer’s head slowly peeked over the side of the truck and into the bed.

Inside, Wario sang and danced, a blonde wig on his head. 

“DAAA DAA DA DA. HEY! DAA DA DA DA, DA.”

Waluigi stood with his arms crossed, the golden Bowser head covering his own. Old Man Hobo lay on the floor, a Waluigi cap haphazardly tossed onto his head. The officer focused in on Old Man Hobo, grabbing him and dragging him out of the truck.

“Get that motherfucker!”

The officer, joined by three of his fellows, began beating up Old Man Hobo, thinking him to be Waluigi.

Wario took the chance to open the truck’s door and shove Raisin Lady out.

“GET OUTTA HERE!”

With her out, he shut the door and set the golden Bowser head in the passenger seat.

“Here we go!”

The truck began driving off. Wario grinned triumphantly.

Then Waluigi’s face popped in front of the windshield from above.

“Surprise, mothahfuckah!”

Wario screamed and served, attempting to throw Waluigi off. This caused the truck to flip and tumble down the road, coming to a stop as it hung halfway over the cliffside above the river.

“WAAAAAHHH!”

“SWEEEET MMERRCIFULLL CRAAAAAAP!”

The Bowser head suddenly fell crashing through the windshield. Wario leapt after it, grabbing it as it fell. Waluigi quickly rushed forward and grabbed Wario by the ankle. The weight caused the truck to shift forward, now barely hanging on to the cliff.

“PASS ME THE GOLD!” Waluigi shouted. “AND THEN I CAN DROP YOU!”

“SCREW YOU!” Wario called back. “IT’S-A MINE!”

Waluigi paused as something stirred in his mind. He squinted at Wario, a memory surfacing.

“Waiiiit…”

——

Years ago…

In the Waa Kingdom, a young Waluigi wondered around, calling out for Wario, his big brother. It wasn’t long before he found him sitting on a cliffside, facing out towards the sea.

“Eyy, bro!” Waluigi said cheerfully, walking up to his brother. “What are you doing?”

Wario turned around, revealing the garlic-flavored ice cream in his hand.

“Hey!” Waluigi reached out. “I want some too, you fatso!”

Wario’s eyes narrowed. “NO!”

The two began fighting over the ice cream. During the fight, Wario lost his grip, and the ice cream flew back towards the edge of the cliff. Wario lunged forward to catch it, but Waluigi quickly saw that his brother was going to go over. He jumped forward and grabbed Wario before he could fall as the older brother grabbed the ice cream cone.

“Can’t… hold on!” Waluigi growled as he struggled to pull Wario up. 

Then, his hand slipped.

Waluigi fell back, watching as Wario disappeared from sight. The older brother lost hold of the ice cream as he fell, screaming in terror. The ice cream landed in the water and sank, while Wario landed on the back of a barge with the Mushroom Kingdom flag on it.

“Did you have a fun vacation to the Waa Kingdom, little princess?” a middle-aged Toadsworth asked. The young Princess Peach cooed behind him. Neither knew of Wario’s accidental arrival as the barge sailed out towards the kindgom.

This was unknown to Waluigi, as by the time he made it to the edge, Wario was nowhere to be seen. And Waluigi would spend the rest of his life blaming himself for the supposed death of his brother.

——

Waluigi’s eyes widened as he gazed down at Wario.

“BIG BROTHER?!”

A sudden surge of strength flowed through Waluigi. A faint purple glow surrounded him as he suddenly pulled Wario and the gold Bowser head up to safety.

“Wario…?” Waluigi muttered. “My bro? My beautiful, greedy ice cream fatso?”

Wario rubbed his head, his eyes narrowing in thought. “Wait… you’re the guy that made my garlic ice cream into the sea! Imma kill with with-a my nose!”

Wario stepped forward.

“No, no, my brother, listen–”

Then Bowser floated up in his Clown Car.

“I’M BAAAACK!”

Wario and Waluigi screamed in terror. Then, Waluigi got an idea. With a smirk, he pulled out a spare hat and tossed it atop Bowser’s head before rushing behind a tree. Wario joined him shortly.

One of the police officers noticed Bowser with the Waluigi cap on. He looked between him and the Wanted posted.

Perfect match!

“ALRIGHT, TAKE HIM DOWN!” he shouted as he and his fellow officers leapt onto Bowser and began attacking him. Wario and Waluigi looked at each other and smiled before walking off, golden Bowser head in hand, looking forward to the life of riches ahead of them.

——

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S FOOL’S GOLD?!”

Chapter Text

“...and that’s how it happens,” Toad finished.

“Cool!” Mario jumped. “Tell me more about puberty!”

Toad sighed. “Haven’t you already gone through puberty, Mario?”

“Uh… no, I don’t think so.”

It was then that the doorbell rang.

“Hm?” Mario’s head turned quickly towards the door. “Is that food?”

“Mario, that’s a doorbe–”

“FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!”

Mario ran to the door and swung it open… to see a man nearly identical to him standing outside. Like Mario, he had blue eyes, brown hair, and a black mustache. However, the colors of his clothes were different. His shirt and cap were blue, his overalls white. On the front of his hat, a number 4 was embroidered, as opposed to Mario’s “M”.

“Hey there, Mario!” he said cheerfully. His voice had an Australian accent. “Everything going good?”

Mario groaned. “Not again… this is the third hobo today! Go away and play with rats or something!”

The man blinked. “Uh… don’t you remember me, Mario?”

Mario stared at him, eyes squinting in concentration. “Hmmmmm… mama?”

The man blinked. “What? No. It’s me, SuperMarioGlitchy4! Y’know, SMG4? I had you record that video for the contest?”

Mario’s eyes lit up. “Oh yeah! That YouTube loser with no friends!”

“Hey!”

“So what are you doing here?” Mario asked.

“Well, with school now done, I wanted to come check in on you guys, and maybe follow up that offer of a room?”

Mario stretched. “Whatever. Mario’s gonna go take a piss.”

Mario walked towards the front entrance. SMG4 shrugged and headed off.

——

Mario hummed as he walked back towards the castle.

“Psst…”

Mario paused, looking around.

“Who’s there?”

“Over here.”

Mario turned towards the sound of the voice, seeing a cloaked man standing in the shadow of a tree. His build was similar to Mario’s own.

“You’re Mario, right?”

“M-hm!”

“And you know SMG4, right?”

“Yep!”

“Well, Mario, I’ve got a job for you,” the man said. “I want you to get me SMG4’s YouTube password.”

“What? Why?”

“Do it without questions and… uh… you’ll get spaghetti?” He looked away, rubbing his head. “What is it you–”

When he looked back, Mario was gone.

——

“Password, password…” Mario muttered as he dug through the drawers in SMG4’s new room. The YouTuber had gone to the restroom, leaving his room unattended.

Before long, Mario pulled out a slip of paper with the password written on it.

“Jackpot!”

——

“Here’s the password.”

Mario handed the slip over.

The man smiled. “Thank you. Now, turn around for five seconds, and your spaghetti will be here.”

“Oh, boy!” Mario happily turned around, counting to five excitedly. When the time was up, he whipped around…

…and the man was gone.

“…Mamafucker!”

——

SMG4 stretched as he powered his computer on. He smiled.

“Finally, all moved in!” he said cheerfully. After a few moments, he sat down in his chair. “Now, to work!”

“SMG4!!”

SMG4 sighed as Mario kicked the door open. “What do you want, Mario?”

“It’s-a horrible!” Mario had tears in his eyes. “This shady guy met Mario outside and offered me spaghetti if I got him your YouTube password.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t, huh?”

“…”

“It’s a good thing you didn’t, huh?”

“HE DIDN’T EVEN GIVE MARIO HIS SPAGHETTI!!” the Italian cried.

SMG4 stood completely still for a moment. His eye twitched.

“Mario…”

Mario’s head shrank. “Uh oh.”

SMG4 grabbed Mario by the neck and began strangling him. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’VE JUST DONE?!”

“I don’t know.”

“Mario, that’s… that’s my life’s work, man…” SMG4 sank to his knees. “And now, it’s in the hands of a stranger…”

“Hey, don’t worry!” Mario said cheerfully. “Mario can help you get it back! And his spaghetti, too!”

“R-Really?”

“Oh, yeah!”

SMG4 stood up, now more confident. “Alright. Let’s do this!”

SMG4 walked over to his computer and went to YouTube.com.

“So… what do we do?”

“Well, first, let’s try to get into my account and change the password.” SMG4 typed in his password… only for it to claim it was incorrect.

“What?!”

SMG4 tried again, and again. He remained locked out.

“That son of a – he changed the password!” SMG4 growled.

“Well, what now?”

SMG4 thought for a moment. “Hm… I guess I can shoot YouTube an email and explain the problem.”

“Oooh, let Mario type! I’m a fast typer!”

“…Sure.”

After a minute, Mario stepped back. “This… this is my mastahpiece!”

“Lemme see…”

To: [[email protected]]

Subject: HELPZ

Body: dear utube,

sum guy stol meh acccount help me oorr i willz chargez my lazers at utubes!

fom suphamarjioglichyfour :D

SMG4 blinked unamused. “Mario… nobody’s gonna understand that.”

“Fine!” Mario growled. “You try, then!”

SMG4 walked up to the computer, erased the email, and started over. After a moment, he stepped back and read it over.

To: [[email protected]]

Subject: account problem

Body: Dear YouTube, 

A stranger has taken my account password and changed it. I cannot log in. Please help.

From SuperMarioGlitchy4

“Mine was better,” Mario muttered. “Whatever, just send it.”

“Aaaand…” SMG4 clicked the Send button. “Sent!”

He lay back in his chair. “Now we just wait for a response.”

——

1 hour later…

SMG4’s eyes fluttered as he sat at his desk. Behind him, Mario lay on the floor, snoring loudly.

Suddenly, a notification went off. SMG4’s eyes snapped back open, and he shot up, his eyes fixed to the computer.

“They responded!”

Mario yawned as he rose. “Okie dokie…”

SMG4 read the email.

To: [[email protected]]

Re: account problem

Body: Dear SuperMarioGlitchy4,

It was your responsibility 😉

From YouTube

“Welp.” SMG4 fell to the floor, curling into a ball. “I guess that’s that. It’s over. I’m ruined. My life’s work is gone.”

“SMG4?”

“What is it, Mario?” SMG4 muttered. “I’m trying to sulk here.”

“The guy. He’s right outside.”

SMG4 popped up. He joined Mario at the window to see that the cloaked man was indeed outside.

“Well, that’s convenient.”

——

“Now… to close SMG4’s account!” the man said excitedly. “And then I’ll get his subscriber base! As long as there isn’t some other semi-successful Mario machinimist like him out there…”

“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!”

The man turned to see Mario and SMG4 running at him from each side. He chuckled.

“Come on. That’s it.”

He closed his laptop and quickly used the Moon Jump cheat code to leap all the way to the top of the castle, causing Mario and SMG4 to crash into each other.

“OW!”

“Sorry…”

From atop the castle, the man laughed. “It’s too late, SMG4! I have the high ground! …And your account! Which I am going to close now!”

“NO!”

“Don’t worry, SMG4,” Mario said, smirking. “Mario tossed him a little surprise as he jumped away…”

——

The man opened up SMG4’s YouTube page, grinning. Then he stopped.

“What’s that weird ticking sound?”

——

Mario and SMG4 watched the explosion from down below.

“There! Now your channel is safe!”

SMG4 blinked. “Mario… he was the only guy who knew the new password.”

“…oooooooooooo.”

Then, a burned piece of paper flew into SMG4’s face. He pulled it off and read it.

“Hey, it’s the new password! That’s awfully convenient! It’s almost like I wrote the episode to go my way!”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. C’mon, Mario.”

Mario and SMG4 walked back inside, unaware as a tattered but alive figure watched them from above.

“Dang it…” he muttered, before turning and walking away… right off the edge of the castle roof. He screamed as he fell into the moat below.

“You hear something?” Mario asked.

SMG4 shrugged. “Eh. It’s probably not important.”

“Ow…”

“…WAIT, MARIO NEVER GOT HIS SPAGHETTI!!”

Chapter Text

SMG4 yawned as he woke up. He quickly got ready for the day – showering, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, putting his trademark cap on, the usual.

“Say, what day is it?” he muttered. He looked to a nearby calendar and froze at the date.

September 9th, 2011

“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!”

——

When Mario entered the castle, SMG4 was practically bouncing off the walls.

“Hey, SMG4. What’s going on?”

“Today there’s something reeeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyyy special happening!” SMG4 said excitedly. He quickly turned on the TV to the local news station. A reporter that looked like Mario, dressed in a white cap and shirt with black overalls, appeared.

“This is Jasslam, reporting live from Oviscity,” the reporter said. “Today is the day of the annual blooper competition, where a bunch of losers test their video making skills, their senses of humor, and the general loneliness that no doubt comes with their line of work. The one who makes the best blooper will claim the No Life Award. But the question remains: can anyone break the 4-year streak of our reigning champion…”

The screen changed to show another Mario recolor. This one had a bright yellow shirt and cap with white overalls. His shoes were blue, and his gloves gray. His hat read “MM”. The oddest thing was his skin, which was a slightly lighter shade of yellow compared to his hat and shirt.

“MARIOMARIO54321!”

The camera switched back to Jasslam. “Will anyone beat him this year? Who knows? We’ll see LATER TODAY!”

With that, the report ended.

“That’s what I’m talking about,” SMG4 said excitedly. “And now that I’m making bloopers, I can participate!”

Mario laughed, then paused. “Y’serious?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“Your videos suck.”

“Hey…”

“But Mario can help you!”

SMG4’s eyes narrowed skeptically. “What do you know about making bloopers?”

Mario chuckled. “Oh, sweet, naïve SMG4…”

Suddenly, the lights went out. A single spotlight shone down on Mario, now wearing a top hat and holding a cane. 

“The question is… do you know what a blooper is?”

He opened his eyes, looked up… and began to sing.

Mario: A blooper, a blooper.

What is a blooper?

It’s a video with lots of LOLs,

And those LOLs are… uhhh… very LOL-y!

“That’s not a…” SMG4 sighed. “You don’t really know anything, do you?”

“SHUT UP!”

“Look, Mario, I think I’ll stick to my own judgment on this,” SMG4 muttered. “Now… to Oviscity!”

——

“Wow,” Mario muttered as he looked around the empty building. “This place is kinda empty.”

“I’ll say,” SMG4 muttered. “Where is everyone?”

Then, the door opened. In walked three Mario recolors. One wore yellow with white overalls and cyan gloves, the second the other wore blue with cyan overalls, and the third wore cyan with green overalls and black gloves.

“RM! Enzo! X!” SMG4 ran over. “Been awhile, guys!”

“Yo, SMG4!” X (short for Xboxfan997) gave his friend a high-five. “It’s been forever!”

“You’re not wrong,” RM (short for Ruffman8890) noted. “It’s been weeks since you said anything to us. What’ve you been up to?”

“Bloopers, mostly. Though there was guy a couple weeks back who tried to steal my account. Mario and I took care of him, though.”

Enzo (real name Roprinplup14) raised an eyebrow. “Mario?”

“Oh, yeah!” Mario cheered from the background.

“‘Sup.” Enzo turned back to his friend. “So, 4, how’s life been treating you?”

“Pretty good.” SMG4 smiled. “I’m living in the castle.”

Enzo’s jaw dropped. “Dude. That. Is cool.”

Then, the loud roar of an engine rang through the building. The six looked outside to see a white Lamborghini pull up.

“Who’s that?” Mario asked.

“Who else?” SMG4 muttered. “The reigning champion of the blooper competition…”

He stepped out of the car, a bored look on his face. He walked over to the doors and entered the building.

“…MarioMario54321.”

MM looked around. “Man, they chose a dump location for this year…”

“That’s right! I’m here, live, at the location of this year’s blooper competition!”

The group turned to see that Jasslam had appeared out of absolutely nowhere, and now had a full camera setup.

“This tradition goes back to the founders of our beautiful Oviscity, and… okay, who writes this stuff? I don’t think they even had these things back then! Should I talk to Luke for making this lore? Or to this fanfic’s writer for keeping it?”

“Stick to the script!” Lakitu hissed.

Jasslam sighed. “So, each contestant is given a computer with the Super Mario 64 ROM downloaded, Sony Vegas, and some pretzels. They will have two hours to make their blooper. Winner gets the No Life Award, yadda yadda. Take your positions!”

MM, SMG4, RM, X, and Enzo took their spots.

“And… GO!”

The four quickly began working. Jasslam sighed. “Welp, I’m gonna go watch Simpsons.”

Mario perked up. “Can I join?”

“Oh. Sure!”

——

Two hours later…

“Alright, time’s up!” Jasslam announced. “Turn in your bloopers!”

SMG4 hurried up the finishing touches. He’d wasted most of his time playing Pac-Man, but at least he managed to get something turned in. 

X’s video was played first, featuring Mario surviving in a zombie apocalypse. It was pretty good.

Enzo’s featured Mario doing a Pokémon battle against his character. It was decent.

RM and Enzo stood to the side awkwardly. Jasslam cleared his throat.

“Oh, uh…” RM chuckled. “We… kinda… played COD. The whole time.”

Jasslam sighed. “I don’t get paid enough to do this… MM?”

“Of course.” MM hit the play button. On the screen, MM and his in-universe rival, OiramOiram12345, stood apart from each other. They charged forward, leaping into an attack as the video began…

——

“Alright. Bye-bye!” 

The onscreen Mario waved to the camera as it faded to black. MM was smiling, proud of his work. SMG4, Enzo, RM, and even X were slack-jawed at the sheer quality of that video. Jasslam wiped a tear away.

“That… that was beautiful,” he muttered. “I don’t know how SMG4 is gonna beat that.”

SMG4 chuckled nervously as his video played. Mario ran across Tall, Tall Mountain.

“I’m just taking a stroll.”

Mario then fell of the mountain and screamed.

THE END

SMG4 smiled nervously. “Anybody…?”

His only response was silence.

“Dammit…”

“Welp, guess we all know who won this year’s competition… again.” Jasslam pulled out the No Life Award. “MarioMario54321!”

SMG4 sighed. “Aw, man…”

“And that’s why you shoulda listened to Mario!” the Italian said in the background.

Chapter Text

“S-So when I finished my dinner… THERE WAS NO MORE SPAGHETTI! NOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!”

Lakitu sighed. “Mario, none of the readers care.”

“Fine!” Mario growled. “I’ll go tell Toad!”

Mario ran into the castle, stopping next to the mushroom man. “Hey, Toad, wanna–”

“You ate your spaghetti and cried about it, yes, I know,” Toad grumbled. “I don’t need to hear this daily.”

“Fine,” Mario grumbled. “Be a Toad.”

As he walked off, he sighed. “I’m so booooored, and nobody wants to listen to my story…”

Then, he lit up. “I know! I’ll play a prank! On SMG4! Then he’ll rage! And then… uhh… I can tell him my story! Yeah! Perfect plan!”

Mario snuck into SMG4’s room. A few moments later, he emerged, snickering. 

A couple of minutes later, SMG4 groaned as he walked up the stairs.

“Today… has been a day,” he muttered, opening the door. “At least now I can just sit down and–”

SMG4 froze, staring in horror at his desktop. It had been scribbled on with Sharpies. 

“THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY COMPUTER?!” SMG4 growled. “Who would have–”

He paused. “Mario…”

After wiping the marker off, he sat down and cracked his knuckles. “Fine. If Mario is gonna prank me… then he’s gonna get pranked in return!”

SMG4 clicked on a file labeled “mario’s personal stuff – don’t touch”.

The next day, Mario happily scrolled through YouTube. He clicked on a random video… and froze.

“SMG4!”

SMG4 paused as he played Super Smash Each Other In The Ass Brothers with Toad. He turned as Mario burst out of his room.

“YOU UPLOADED MY PERSONAL VIDEO OF MY DORA THE EXPLORER COLLECTION!”

SMG4 grinned. “Yep.”

“But… but why?”

“Because…” SMG4 stood up. “YOU SCRIBBLED ALL OVER MY COMPUTER!”

“This is going somewhere…” Toad grinned. “I’m calling it “War Of The Fat Italians”.”

“Here’s-a the deal,” Mario growled. “Imma gonna kill you and steal your fans!”

“Okay, that’s it!” SMG4 charged forward, tackling Mario to the ground as they began to fight.

The ruckus was heard in the next room over by X, who burst out.

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!”

“This guy is hitting me with a toilet!” Mario shouted before SMG4 whacked him over the head with said toilet.

“HE STARTED IT!” SMG4 shouted back.

“It doesn’t matter who started it!” X argued. “Just stop fighting!”

Mario sighed. “Okay…”

“Good. Now–”

“When Luigi stops being gay!” 

Mario burst out laughing.

SMG4 growled. “Fine. This is war!”

“Of The Fat Italians,” Toad added.

“Alright, guys, listen,” X said. “How about this: you guys have a competition.”

Luigi peeked out of his room. “Aw, man… not another competition. We just did one last episode…”

“Alright,” Toad said, handing a pellet gun to each. “Each of you has a pellet gun. Wait until this X guy says draw, then shoot. Whoever lands a hit first wins.”

“Toad, are you–”

“Relax. They’re pellet guns. They’re harmless.”

The two took ten paces.

X sighed. “When I say draw…”

A beat passed.

Mario whipped around, aiming his gun.

“MARIO! I didn’t say draw!”

Mario huffed and turned back around.

“…DRAW!”

Mario turned around and fired… only for it to miss and hit Luigi, sending him flying back, crying in pain.

“…Toad, did you give them real guns?”

Toad chuckled mischievously.

“Let’s just move on,” SMG4 muttered, tossing the pellet gun away.

“Alright.” X clapped his hands together. “Since you two aren’t getting BROS!” He cast a glare between them. “We’ll be doing activities to bring you two closer together.”

Mario gagged. “What are you, gay?!”

SMG4 huffed. “Not with this lame fatty!”

“…I think it’s a good idea–”

“SHUT UP, LUIGI!” the two snapped. Luigi cowered back a bit.

“Alright,” X said sternly. “So I’m gonna ask you guys questions about each other and see how much you know about each other. Okay?”

X turned to Mario. “Mario, what is SMG4’s full name?”

“SuperMegaGay4!”

“…I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be an insult, if he thinks I’m gay, or if he genuinely thinks that’s my name.”

“The first one.”

“Oh, okay. GET OVER HERE!”

“CALM DOWN!” X shouted. “SMG4, your turn. What is Mario’s favorite food?”

“Toad shit.”

Mario growled.

X blinked, unamused. “…Moving on. Mario, what would you do if SMG4 was hanging off a cliff?”

“Laught at him,” Mario replied flatly. “Then record his death and put it on YouTube.”

SMG4 began shaking with rage.

X sighed. “Okay… SMG4, if you found out Mario was dead, what would you do?”

“PARTY AT THE CASTLE!” SMG4 shouted, running in circles cheerfully.

“Oooooo.” Mario grinned. “Can I join?”

“No, you’re dead.”

X groaned. “Will you two ever get along?”

“NO!”

“Alright!” X stepped forward. Let’s keep going with this. It has to work eventually.”

Draw the best portrait of the other.

“I already drew Mario!” SMG4 said cheerfully. It was simply Mario’s head over a circle drawing template.

“Oooh, nice snowman,” Mario taunted. “Look at mine!”

He showed a picture of a man whose stomach has been photoshopped to look much larger than normal.

X sighed.

Staring contest

Mario and SMG4 stared at each other intently.

“…YOU BLINKED!”

“NO, YOU BLINKED!”

Who can eat the most spaghetti?

“How the hell do you eat so fast?” SMG4 asked, looking at the seven bowls full of spaghetti in front of him.

Mario, having already eaten all his spaghetti, burped.

Pokémon Battle

Mario sent out his Snorlax, laughing.

“Whatcha gonna do now, huh?” He taunted. “Whatcha gonna–”

SMG4 pulled out a Master Ball. Mario paused in fear as he dropped it…

Letting out a small penguin-like Pokémon, bearing a slight resemblance to Dr. Robotnik.

Mario stared at the thing before laughing.

“PINGAZ, USE MEME BEAM!”

“IMMA FIRING MAH LAZAR!” the Legendary Pokémon shouted, firing off a powerful beam that disintegrated Mario’s Snorlax in seconds.

“…Oh.”

Tea Party

“Can I have some more tea, Ken?” Mario asked.

SMG4 groaned. “Can somebody kill me already?”

Toad chuckled as he watched the two humiliated men before him. “I knew suggesting this was a good idea...”

X sighed. “This is pointless. Look, guys, just make up already.”

“We can kill SMG4!” Mario suggested.

“Please, God,” SMG4 muttered. “Anything is better than this hell.”

“NO!” X’s eye twitched. “No one kills anyone!”

“How about we take a bath?” an old man sitting in a bathtub nearby suggested.

“Sorry, Old Man Hobo, but not interested,” X muttered.

Suddenly, the doors flew off their hinges. A man dressed entirely in black, his face covered, leapt in, a gun in hand.

“EVERYBODY FREEZE!” he growled. “PUT YOUR HANDS UP!”

After a moment, he glanced back to the doors. “Uh… sorry, doors.”

“Who’s this guy?” Mario asked.

“I am… SOME ROBBER!”

A dramatic music track played from somewhere.

“Oh, hai Some Robber!” Mario said cheerfully. “Bathrooms are to the left!”

“I said put your hands up!” the robber shouted, pointing his gun. “I have a gun!”

“Oh, that changes everything,” Mario said calmly. He then began running around and screaming.

“W-What are you going to do to us?” X asked, taking a step back.

“Nothing, really.” The robber shrugged. “I just kinda wanna sit here.”

“…what kind of robber are you?”

“Shut up or you get a bullet to the face.”

SMG4 stiffened. “Alright.”

A few minutes passed.

“So… this one time I got run over by a stroller.”

Mario sniffed, tears forming. “Really…?”

SMG4, meanwhile, looked around the room. His eyes settled on Mario’s “pellet gun” from earlier. He began sneaking over to it.

“HEY! Guys with the stupid color code!” the robber shouted. “STOP!” 

After a brief moment of hesitation, SMG4 dove for the gun… just as the robber fired.

The bullet never came. SMG4 opened his eyes to see Mario lying on the ground, having taken the bullet for him.

“NO! MARIO!” SMG4 dropped the gun and grabbed his friend. His eyes shut as tears began to form. “I – I regret everything! I-I didn’t mean any of that stuff! You… you’re like a brother to me… don’t be dead, man…”

“…Why are you gay?”

SMG4 opened his eyes to see Mario staring up at him.

“MARIO!” he shouted. “Y-You’re alive! But… how?”

“I guess Mario’s just too THICC to take a bullet,” the Italian replied.

“See what happens? You don’t listen, you get shot!” the robber growled. “And next time, he won’t live.”

SMG4 chuckled. The robber’s face fell.

“Oh, you idiot. Do you even realize who you shot?”

“Wh-Who…?”

You just shot Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom and personal friend of Princess Peach herself!”

The robber’s eyes widened. “Oh… oh, no …”

“That’s right!” X said. “And you’d better get outta here, or… uh…”

“The Pancake Police will come!” Luigi suggested.

“Uh… yeah! I guess! Them!”

“Oh God!” the robber shouted, backing away. “I-I didn’t mean… I…”

With that, he turned and bolted out the door. 

X sighed. “That was stupid…”

SMG4 turned to Mario. “Mario… you saved my life. Thanks. And, uh… sorry I released your private video. That was… probably a bit far.”

“Mario’s sorry, too,” the Italian said. “Mario won’t mess with your computer again!”

X smiled. “Welp, that’s that, I guess.”

SMG4 then popped up. “Until next year!”

“...Wait, what–”

Chapter Text

Mario laughed as he watched an SM64 blooper.

“That guy was so stupid!” he laughed. “Unlike Mario, who’s very high IQ!”

He then saw another video. “Ooh, let’s-a watch that one!”

The door then opened, and SMG4 walked in. He took one look at Mario and sighed.

“You’d better not be looking up spaghetti images on my computer again,” he muttered, walking over.

“Nah,” Mario replied. “Imma watching SM64 bloopers.”

SMG4 looked to see that he indeed was. “Alright. Carry on.”

He began making his way out of the room before stopping. That blooper Mario was watching… there was something awfully familiar about it.

He backed up and looked at the computer again.

“Hey, Mario. Whatcha watchin’ there?”

“Oh, this? Some hilarious SM64 blooper.” He glanced back at SMG4. “Seems like it was made by you.”

“What do you mean, seems?”

SMG4 looked at the screen.

“YOU SCRIBBLED ALL OVER MY LAPTOP!” a blue and black Mario recolor growled.

Mario grinned. “Yep.”

“But… but why?”

“Because…” Mario stood up. “YOU UPLOADED THAT VIDEO OF MY COLLECTION!”

“Here’s the deal,” the recolor growled. “I'm gonna kill you and make myself the main character!”

“Okay, that’s it!” Mario charged forward, tackling the recolor to the ground as they began to fight.

The ruckus was heard in the next room over by another recolor, wielding purple with darker purple gloves and green-blue overalls, who burst in.

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!”

“This idiot is hitting me with a toilet!” the recolor shouted before Mario whacked him over the head with said toilet.

“HE STARTED IT!” Mario shouted back.

“That’s… that’s a shameless ripoff of the last episode!” SMG4 realized. “War Of The Fat Italians!”

“Eh, Mario thinks it’s better.”

“It’s literally exactly the same!” SMG4 shouted. “It even has Old Man Hobo!”

“Somebody say my name?” Old Man Hobo asked as he peeked in.

“GO AWAY OLD MAN!” SMG4 snapped. Old Man Hobo quickly retreated.

“Hey!” Mario looked over the guy’s channel. “Most of his videos are just like yours!”

“Alright, who is this wise guy?” SMG4 growled, cracking his knuckles. “‘Cause I wanna have a chat.”

“Username is… SuperMarioGlitchy3,” Mario noted. “Hm. Sounds familiar.”

SMG4’s eyes narrowed. “SMG3… I should have known!” He stormed towards the door. “That asshole has been riding my coattails since school, and now he’s trying to do the same thing here!”

“Why don’t we call the police?” Mario suggested.

“Uhh…” SMG4 rubbed the back of his head. “I… don’t think the police would care.”

“Oh, c’mon!” Mario shouted. “All they do is sit on their lazy asses all day! Name one time when they’ve helped with something!”

SMG4 sighed.

“See? Now Mario’s gonna call.”

The Italian pulled out his phone and dialed 911.

At the RMKP station, a police officer picked up the phone.

“Hello, police department. How can I help you?”

“HELP! MAH FRIEND SMG4 IS IN TROUBLE! ”

“Okay, sir, you need to explain what happened.”

“HIS IDEAS WERE STOLEN! ”

The officer blinked. “His… ideas…?”

“YES! ”

“…And what are we supposed to do?”

“FIND THE GUY AND KICK HIS ASS! ”

“…Sorry, dude. That’s below our pay grade. Ciao.”

He hung up and sighed.

“‘Scuse, me, did he say SMG4?”

The officer looked up to one of his fellows. “Uh, yeah. Why?”

A red and black Mario recolor with pink gloves and “FM” written on his hat grinned. “He’s an old friend of mine, and I’m gonna help.”

He walked off, pulling out his phone and making a call. 

“Hey, you’re close to Peach’s castle, right?”

Mario sighed. “Well that was no help.”

“Yeah,” SMG4 muttered. “I had a friend who worked with the police. From what he said, they weren’t really good with Internet stuff…”

Then, a light went off in his head. “Wait a minute, the Internet! YouTube! We just email them our problem, and bam! They ban SMG3’s sorry ass!”

SMG4 opened up Gmail.

“Oh!” Mario cried. “I bags writing the email!”

“Mario, no! Remember how bad your writing was back when we last tried to contact them for help?”

He paused. “Actually, if they wouldn’t help with that, they probably won’t help with this, either. Dammit…”

Then, there was a knock at the door.

“Hm? Mario’s got it!”

Mario rushed over to the door and opened it. Standing on the other side were two Mario recolors. One was dressed in blue with red overalls and yellow gloves. “MCG” was written on his hat. The other was the red and black recolor from the station.

“Um… hi?” The blue recolor looked around. “Uh… is SMG4 here?”

“Oh, yeah!”

Mario ran into the room, and the recolor followed him. SMG4’s eyes lit up in recognition.

“MCG! FM!”

“Hey, SMG4!”

They high-fived. Mario cleared his throat.

“Oh, yeah!” SMG4 turned to him. “Mario, this is MejiaCantilloGustavo, or MCG for short.”

“‘Sup.”

“Imma just call you Marijuana.”

“And this is FightingMario54321, FM for short.”

“Heya.”

“Now, MCG, FM – what’re you doing here?”

“FM told me about your situation.” MCG sat down, pulling out a laptop. “Somebody’s stealing your ideas?”

“Yeah,” SMG4 replied. “SMG3.”

“The kid from school?” MCG looked up. “You sure?”

“He used SuperMarioGlitchy3 as his username. Not many other people it could be.”

“…Alright. Well, with this tracking app I made, I can use one of his videos to track his upload location.”

SMG4’s brow furrowed. “Is… is that legal?”

“Anything’s legal when you’re on the side of justice!” FM posed dramatically.

“…Aaaand there! Upload location is… the roof?”

“Well, what’re we waiting for?” SMG4 jumped up. “Let’s go stomp his copyright-infringing ass!”

The gang opened the door to the roof, and there, just ahead, sat SMG3, typing away on his laptop.

“HEY! SMG3!”

SMG3 paused, then turned around. Upon seeing the group, he smiled.

“SMG4! A pleasure to see you again!” He spoke with a rich Australian accent. “Actually, no, it’s not.”

“Shut it!” SMG4 growled. “You’re not gonna steal my ideas anymore!”

“What are you gonna do?” SMG3 asked. “Stop me? Please. You’re not–”

FM then decked him in the face.

“OW!”

“Yeah, I’m getting tired of your voice already,” FM muttered, cracking his knuckles.

“FM!”

“What!?”

MCG sighed. “Look, 3, could you just… explain? I just wanna know why you’re copying SMG4.”

“Is it that hard?” SMG4 growled. “He wants a cut of my fame! It’s really that simple!”

SMG3 sighed. “If only…”

Mario groaned. “Imma getting tired of this.” He pulled out a Fire Flower and activated it, transforming into Fire Mario and tossing fireballs at the recolor. SMG3 yelped, diving back and forth to avoid the balls of flames. FM then ran in and decked him in the face again, sending him falling off the roof.

“FM!”

“WHAT!?”

MCG ran over to the side. “Oh, good. He’s okay.”

SMG3 growled as he stared up at them.

“THIS ISN’T THE LAST YOU’VE SEEN OF ME, SMG4!” he shouted. “I WILL BE BACK!”

SMG4 glimpsed SMG3’s laptop off to the side.

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered, picking it up. “Here, catch.”

He tossed the laptop down.

SMG3 scrambled to get it, but barely missed as it fell into the moat below and shattered on the ground. SMG3 sneered, glaring up at the group. His eyes met SMG4’s.

“This. Isn’t. Over.”

SMG3 turned and ran off.

“SMG4, don’t you think that was a bit… much?” MCG asked.

“Nah, he’s fine.” SMG4 waved him off. “Besides, it’s a laptop. It’s not that hard to replace.”

“Sure…”

“Anyways,” FM said, dusting his hands off. “You guys wanna go play Smash?”

Mario grinned. “Heck yeah!”

He gave FM a high-five… which promptly set the police officer on fire.

“Ooooo… Mario forgot about the fire flower.”

“Is it just me, or am I ENGULFED IN FLAMES?!?!”

Chapter Text

It was a peaceful day in the castle. SMG4, X, MCG, and FM played Mario Kart, RM stood off to the side reading a book, and Mario slept on the floor.

The sound of heavy breathing interrupted them. Mario blinked, sitting up. 

“Hm?”

He quickly took notice of a stranger standing in the doorway. His entire body was pitch black, as were his clothes. The only think not the color of the darkest night were his eyes, bright and blue.

“SMG4… who’s that?”

SMG4 turned around, pausing the game. “Huh. Dunno.”

X rose and walked over to the man. “Excuse me, could you tell me who you are and what you’re doing here?”

The man blinked.

“POHFOEUUINCUINNSEUFINUIFNUISDHUIFUEINOC!”

“Uh… okay…?”

FM groaned. “Can I kill him already?”

The man eyed FM, then pulled out a toilet from absolutely nowhere. “IMMA KILL ALL OF YOU!”

Mario’s jaw dropped. “HE’S GOT A TOILET!”

Everyone began screaming and running around in a panicked craze, aside from X and FM.

“...so now what?”

“Don’t worry, X!” FM said cheerfully. “I got this!”

FM ran up to the man. “HEY! GET OUT! You’re kinda making everyone freak out.”

“NEVER!” the man shouted. “I WILL DOMINATE THE WORLD WITH THIS BAT!”

“...that’s a toilet.”

“SAME DIFFERENCE!”

FM sighed. “Alright, then, old man. Time to take your nap!”

FM charged forward, punching the man in the face. Crazy Toilet Dude swung his toilet, hitting FM in the head and sending him flying.

“A LITTLE HELP?!” FM shouted.

Mario then perked up. “HE CAN’T GET US OUTSIDE!”

Everyone ran outside, leaving FM alone in the building. He turned to Crazy Toilet Dude.

“...You wanna play checkers?”

The man hoisted his toilet.

FM sighed. “Of course.”

“So… who wants to go back inside to check on FM?” SMG4 asked nervously.

He was met with silence.

“If I save him, we can all take a bath!” Old Man Hobo shouted from above as he flew by in his bathtub.

“...yeah, I thought so.”

The castle doors swung open, and FM rushed out, slamming it behind him.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU GUYS HELP ME?!”

“Oh, hi, FM,” Mario said, holding a coffin he had gotten from who-knows-where. “We thought you were dead. Guess we won’t be needing that funeral.”

Mario tossed the coffin off the bridge and into the moat below.

FM sighed. “Anyway, we need to get that guy out of the castle.”

“Oh!” RM jumped. “Get Toad! He can help!”

“Yeah!” Mario shouted in agreement. “We can use his head as a plunger!”

Toad then came flying out of one of the castle’s windows and crashed on the ground. He lifted his head and looked around, before his face fell.

“Too bad that didn’t kill me,” he muttered, his head dropping to the ground again.

“Okay, so… does anyone have a plan to get rid of this Crazy Toilet Dude?” SMG4 asked.

“This is ridiculous,” X muttered. “Can’t we just go inside and stop him?”

FM’s eyes widened. “You don’t know what he does with that toilet…”

FM began having traumatic flashbacks. X and RM shrugged.

“We burn the toilet!” MCG suggested.

“WAIT!”

Everyone turned to FM.

“I’ve got an idea…”

“What is it?” Mario asked. “Oh, wait, lemme guess. Is it “We all give each other hugs”?”

FM blinked. “Uh… no. What’s the only reason you guys can’t help me fight Crazy Toilet Dude?”

“‘Cause everyone here is an idiot?” X droned.

“HEY!” SMG4 and Mario shouted, clearly offended.

“No!” FM shouted. “It’s because none of you know how to fight!”

Mario scoffed. “I know how to fight!”

To prove his point, he decked SMG4 in the face.

“See?”

“OW!” SMG4 cried, rubbing his face. “What the hell was that for?!”

“Hey, now. Don’t hurt him!” RM shouted. A shadow then covered his face. “You gotta kill them…”

“Especially you, Mario,” FM continued. “Remember yesterday? You picked a fight with a literal baby and lost.”

“...Nnnnope. Don’t remember.”

“C’mon, guys!” FM insisted. “You can all learn to fight from the master!” He posed dramatically.

Mario huffed. “Fine… but we use Mario’s plan!”

“ALRIGHT!” FM bounced on the balls of his feet excitedly. “LET’S DO THIS!”

The castle doors opened, and Crazy Toilet Dude peeked out.

“HEY! WILL YOU SHUT UP! SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET THEIR TOILETS TO SLEEP!”

He turned around and shut the door, mumbling “Ya stubborn whippersnappers…”

“...Alright.”

MCG smiled. “Well, I think this’ll be fun!”

“Okay! STEP 1!” FM shouted. “We think about turtles!”

“OH THANK GOD!” Mario groaned. “I thought we were gonna exercise…”

X blinked in confusion. “Uh… what exactly does this have to do with fighting?”

“SHUT UP, X!” RM shouted. “I love turtles!”

X huffed, but complied.

“...H A M B U R G E R.”

“Mario, think about turtles, not food,” FM ordered.

“MAMAFUCKER!”

“Just let your head roll back and forth,” FM said, rolling his head. “Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.”

“I’m not sure I’m doing it right,” Mario muttered, his head spinning into and out of his chest.

SMG4 gagged. “Asparagus?”

FM then chuckled. “Alright, stop, guys, I was just messing with you.”

“Well there’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.”

“Here’s the real step 1!” FM balled his hand into a fist. “Learning how to punch! Now, punching is relatively easy. All you have to do is press the B button.”

FM swung a fist forward.

“See? And you can unleash a combo by pressing it three times!”

FM swung with one fist, swung with the other, and then kicked his leg forward.

“See? Easy!”

“B BUTTON?!” RM shouted. “WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY B BUTTON?!”

“Maybe he thinks we live in some sort of video game?” X suggested.

“I’M PRESSING THE B BUTTON!” Mario shouted, holding an N64 controller and mashing the B button over and over.

“Maybe you’re not pressing it hard enough,” SMG4 muttered.

FM blinked, pulling out the Super Mario 64 manual and opening it as RM had an existential crisis in the background. “Huh. Weird… the manual says it’s the B button.”

“B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B!” RM shouted desperately.

“OKAY!” FM called out. “So just swing your fist until it hits someone. Got it?”

Mario looked over to SMG4 and proceeded to deck him in the face again. He then held out a thumbs up.

“GREAT!”

“WHAT THE HELL, MARIO?!”

“Alright, step 2!” FM announced. “Different fighting techniques!”

He stepped forward. “I call this one the sumo – basically, you groundpound over and over. Got it?”

“Like this, FM?” Mario reached behind his back and pulled out a whole-ass sumo wrestler. “Do you like him? His name is Shou Zou.”

FM sighed. “Not an actual sumo wrestler, Mario…”

“Dear God,” SMG4 muttered. “A Japanese Mario!”

FM sighed. “This is hopeless…”

He cleared his throat and spoke up. “STEP 3! Situational training! Three of us will be defending… uh…”

FM grabbed a nearby rock and set it down.

“THIS ROCK!” he shouted. “That will be RM, MCG, and I. Mario, X, and SMG4 will be trying to destroy it. You have a time limit of five minutes. And… GO!”

RM laughed. “You’ll never get to the rock!”

X grinned. “This will be easy.”

For his neutral special, he pulled out a gun.

“NO GUNS!” FM shouted.

“SCREW YOU!”

SMG4 grinned. “I’ve got this!”

He charged forward. “FOR NARNIAAAAA!”

RM quickly grabbed the rock and threw it at SMG4. It smacked him in the head, knocking him down before bouncing back to RM.

“DON’T THROW THE ROCK!” FM shouted. 

“CAN YOU ALL SHUT UP!” Crazy Toilet Dude shouted from inside. “PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET THEIR TOILETS TO SLEEP!”

FM paused. “Wait, we forgot about the crazy dude!”

“So?”

“You know what, you did it. You know how to fight.”

SMG4 smiled. “Yay!”

“OH! MARIO HAS A PLAN!”

“Alright. Let’s hear it.”

Mario walked up to FM. He then pulled out a toilet and jammed it onto his head.

“...Very funny, Mario. Now… CAN YOU THINK OF A REAL FUCKING PLAN ?!”

X sighed. “Fine. Here’s the plan, guys…”

The Crazy Toilet Man was having a tea party with his toilet when the doorbell rang. Sighing angrily, he rose and opened the door.

On the other side stood Mario and RM, a giant box between them.

“CONGRAAADULATIONS, SIR!” RM said cheerfully. “You’re the winner of our toilet lottery! As such, you get a new toilet for free!”

Crazy Toilet Dude’s eyes widened. “Oh, come in, come in!”

RM walked in while Mario slowly pushed the crate. RM pulled out a document and a pen. “All you need to do is sign here!”

Crazy Toilet Dude took the pen and paper, staring at it for a few seconds.

“He took the bait,” X said into his walkie-talkie as he watched from the window. “FM, MCG, get into position.”

FM and MCG got into their positions, bickering over who would go first.

“Alright,” X said. “3… 2… 1… NOW!”

Mario kicked the crate open, revealing SMG4 inside. SMG4 made a dash for the toilet.

“HEY!” Crazy Toilet Dude shouted. “STAY AWAY FROM MAH TOILET!”

He was then jumped by X, FM, and MCG. 

“Checkmate,” RM said as he moved his rook into position.

“MAMAFUCKER!” Mario shouted angrily.

Crazy Toilet Dude threw the four off of him. Pulling out a chainsaw and a pair of nunchucks, he approached MCG, laughing. MCG responded by screaming and throwing a banana at the man, which impaled itself in his eye.

As Crazy Toilet Dude stumbled back, FM pulled out a rocket launcher.

“ROCKET LAUNCHAHR!”

He fired, the rocket hitting Crazy Toilet Dude and carrying him out the window. The rocket dragged him into the sky before exploding, killing Crazy Toilet Dude.

“…Well, that worked,” X said.

Mario blinked. “Uhhh... can we play Mario Kart now?”

“YEEEAAAAHHHH!”

Chapter Text

Once upon a time, at Peach’s castle…

“Hey, SMG4!”

SMG4 turned to see Mario standing behind him, waving.

“Hey, Mario!” he called back. “What is it?”

Mario grinned sadistically.

“Mario’s better than you.”

SMG4’s eye twitched.

“…ffFFUUUUUUUUUUU–”

War Of The Fat Italians 2012

“You really think that you’re better than me?!” SMG4 growled.

Mario rolled his eyes. “Nooo, I think you’re reeaaallyy gay.”

“Excuse me?”

Mario burst out laughing.

SMG4 sighed. “Okay, let’s just…”

“WOAH!” Mario jumped, looking around. The two were now at Bob-mob Battlefield. “How’d we get here?!”

“Transition.” SMG4 pointed towards the mountain. “Now… we’ll race to the summit of the mountain. First one there–”

SMG4 turned around to see that Mario was gone.

“…Mario?”

He turned back around to see Mario already dashing for the mountain, laughing his ass off.

SMG4 grabbed a Bob-omb and tossed it at him, knocking Mario down and allowing the recolor to pass.

Before long, SMG4 closed in on the summit.

“I’m gonna win!”

He jumped up…

Only to see Mario hanging off of the flagpole.

“Oh hai, SMG4!” Mario said cheerfully, waving at the YouTuber. “I’ve been waiting for you!”

“…DAMMIT!”

“Okay! My turn!” Mario cried, leaping off of the flagpole. “I bet I can fly farther with the cannon than you!”

Mario hopped into the cannon on the mountainside, firing it and landing on the floating island.

“BEAT THAT, BIATCH!”

SMG4 took a deep breath. “I can beat Mario… I’m the master of cannons…”

SMG4 hopped into the cannon, not seeing as Mario walked up behind him, a lit Bob-mob in hand.

“Delivery for the master!”

Mario’s dropped the Bob-omb in and ran away.

“What the…”

The Bob-omb chirped. SMG4 screamed before it went off.

SMG4 coughed as he climbed out of the cannon. “Who… who can hold their breath the longest?”

SMG4 smiled as he swam through the water. He looked behind him to see Mario flailing dramatically seconds after going under.

Once he had dragged Mario back to land, the Italian coughed before shooting up to a sitting position.

“Who can return the baby penguin first!”

Mario ran, the baby penguin cradled in his arms. He stopped at a cliffside and dropped it off, then began dancing happily.

SMG4, meanwhile, presented his penguin to the mother. “Excuse me, Miss, is this your son?”

“WHAT? NO!” she snapped. “HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME!”

SMG4 looked between the two penguins. They were virtually identical aside from size.

SMG4 then grabbed the mother penguin and chucked her into the distance, shouting insults in rage.

“FLYING!”

SMG4 jumped off a tower and fell to the ground below. Mario followed suit, though the latter was wearing a Wing Cap. And yet, neither flew.

Bowser then flew by, a Wing Cap equipped. He laughed.

“HA! You idiots can’t fly!”

The two landed in the castle.

“H-Humping a tree…” Mario suggested.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Mario blinked. “Um… I mean… swimming in snow!”

SMG4 sighed. “Okay, this is just getting stupid.”

Mario scoffed. “Nah, you’re-a just scared.”

SMG4 froze, looking back at Mario. “What. Did. You. Say?”

“You’re-a scared that you’ll lose to the awesomeness of Mario!”

“You kidding?!” SMG4 marched forward. “I could kick your “awesome” ass back to Italy!”

“Oh! Oh, nooo !” Mario said mockingly. “I’mma sooooo scared!”

“Okay, THAT’S IT!”

Mario and SMG4 charged forward…

And then the door burst open.

“CAN YA’LL SHUT UP!” Enzo shouted, storming into the castle. “I CAN HEAR YOU FROM OUTSIDE!”

He sighed. “What’re you two fighting about, anyway?”

“Mario’s saying that he’s better than me!” SMG4 cried.

“Y’know what, SMG4? You are better,” Mario admitted. “Better at SUCKING MARIO’S DICK!”

“WHY YOU LITTLE–”

“SHUT UP!” Enzo’s voice got the two to stop. “There’s only one way to fix this…”

Mario’s eyes widened. “You’re right, Enzo… there is only one way…”

“Shooting people out of a cannon!” Mario said cheerfully, now standing beside the deployed cannon at Bob-omb Battlefield.

“THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND!” Enzo shouted from inside the cannon. “GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

SMG4 looked over to Mario. “Isn’t this just like the thing we did earlier this episode?”

“…FIRE!”

The cannon fired, sending Enzo flying into the distance.

“SORRY!” SMG4 called out. His face turned stern as he looked to the Italian. “Mario…”

“What?”

“Hey, guys!”

The two turned to see X approaching them.

“So, uh… what’s with the flying Enzo?”

“Nothing much.” Mario shrugged. “We’re-a just seeing who’s better at crap.”

“This again?” X sighed. “Didn’t you guys learn from last year? I mean, c’mon, you two made up and everything…”

Mario gave X an unamused look.

X screamed as he was fired out of the cannon by Mario, flying into the distance.

“Was that really necessary?” SMG4 asked.

“What’s wrong, 4?” Mario teased. “Not awesome enough to do that?”

“Alright, fine!” SMG4 stormed up to Mario. “How about this: who can defeat Bowser the fastest?”

“HEY! BOWSER!”

Bowser turned to see SMG4 standing behind him.

“Uh… hi… whoever you are…”

“Get ready to lose!”

SMG4 grabbed Bowser’s tail and swung him around, sending him flying off the edge of his arena.

“I REGRET NOTHING!”

Time: 10 seconds

“Hah! 10 seconds! Beat that!”

“Hey, Bowser!”

Bowser turned around to see Mario completely nude.

“…If it’s quite alright, I’ve grown tired of living.”

Bowser leapt off of the arena willingly.

Time: 5 seconds

“I WON! I WON!” Mario cheered, his clothes now back on. “Now… farming!”

Mario tended to his crop carefully.

“That’s-a so nice!”

Suddenly, it caught on fire. Mario screamed as SMG4 subtly pocketed the flint and steel, chuckling a bit before turning back to his crop.

SMG4 then spontaneously combusted. The YouTuber screamed as Mario laughed, a flint and steel in his hand.

“Okay, so I burnt my ass off.” SMG4 shrugged. “Who cares? I’m still better than you.”

“Alright, then.” Mario grinned. “Time… for a duel to the death!”

SMG4 blinked. “To… to the death?”

“Mhm!” Mario pointed off to the sidelines, where X watched uninterested. “Hit it, X!”

X sighed. “I don’t get paid enough to do this…”

He snapped his fingers, and everything went dark.

When light appeared again, Mario, SMG4, and, oddly, Enzo were at Jeopardy stands.

“Hey, all you dumbasses out there!” X said, a tinge of aggressiveness in his voice. “Welcome to the annual Fat Italian Gameshow, where we’ll find out who’s more awesome!”

SMG4 groaned. “Why…?”

“SHUT YO BITCH ASS UP!” X shouted. SMG4’s head shrank, and he nodded meekly.

“Hey, why is the other guy here?”

“…I want to.”

“Alright, let’s get this stupid show on the road,” X said, the passive-agressive tone still present. “Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins!”

“…waste of time…”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” X took a deep breath. “Alright, SMG4. Since you seem to know everything … what’s the color of my underwear?”

SMG4, naturally, was confused. “Uh… how am I supposed to know that?”

“ANSWER THE MOTHERFUCKING QUESTION!”

“Uh… blue?”

X shot SMG4.

“WRONG!”

Mario and Enzo froze up as X turned to them.

“So, Mario.”

Mario gulped.

“If you’re so awesome, then answer this: what has no wings, but can fly?”

“…………Bowser?”

X blasted Mario.

“And that’s all for this year’s War Of The Fat Italians!” he announced as Mario and SMG4 groaned in pain in the background. “Enzo, just get outta here. You win. Go home.”

“…Alright.”

The End

Chapter Text

The sky was dark. The hallways were eerily quiet. The lights were out. The floorboards creaked on their own.

And a singing could be heard from the bathroom.

“Doo doo-doo doo doo, gettin’ ready to take mah bath,” SMG3 sang. “Bah bah bah-dah, doo doo-dah–”

“Hello, SMG3.”

SMG3 jumped and screamed, looking over to see a figure standing in the doorway to his bathroom.

“WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!”

“I need your help, SMG3…”

“MY WALLET IS UNDER THE COUNTER!” SMG3 shouted, cowering in the bathtub. “JUST DON’T HURT ME!”

The figure sighed. “No, you idiot, I need your help to… well, get revenge on someone.”

“...If you’re asking me to kill someone, I ain’t into that business, pal.”

“Oh, no,” the man replied. “Just wanna get some revenge on SMG4, and I thought you’d want a bit of it…”

SMG3’s eyes widened. He grinned.

“I’m listening…”

“Alright,” RM whispered. “You ready, guys?”

“Heck yeah!” FM replied.

“Yep.” X shot a thumbs up.

Mario groaned. “My ass hurts… why are we throwing a surprise party for SMG4 again?”

RM sighed. “Dude, he hit 40k today! We gotta do something for him!”

“Can’t we just get a naked guy to dance for him?”

“Hush!” RM hissed. “I think he’s coming!”

The door swung open.

“SURPRISE!”

“WE’RE NOT GAY!” Mario added.

Luigi chuckled. “Aww, thanks, guys! This is great!”

Mario frowned. “Get out.”

Luigi began to cry, exiting the castle.

FM groaned. “That’s the third time today! Where is he?”

Mario shrugged. “Oh, well. He’s dead. Amen. Gonna go take a shit.”

“But… what about SMG4…?”

Elsewhere…

SMG4 was awoken by the loud, echoing sound of a water drop.

“H-Huh…?” As his eyes opened, he found himself surrounded by complete darkness.

“...Hello? ANYONE?!”

He took a deep breath.

“Okay, calm down, SMG4… don’t panic…”

Suddenly, a loud click sounded behind him. A video of a flowery summer field appeared.

“Meep.”

Music began to play. Music that SMG4 knew all too well…

“Please don’t be… please don’t be…”

SMG4 slowly turned around to the that the screen now showed four color-coded… things. They had absurdly large ears, uniquely-shaped antenna atop each of their heads, and static-filled television screens on their stomachs. One was purple, one was green, one was yellow, and one was red.

“Teletubbies! ” the narrator said cheerfully.

SMG4 screamed in pure, unadulterated horror.

RM swung open the door to SMG4’s room. “Mario! I… I think something happened to SMG4!”

“Great!” Mario said cheerfully. “Now I can use his YouTube channel!”

Mario quickly sat down in SMG4’s chair and began spinning it.

“Wheeeeeeeeeee!”

RM sighed. “Mario, this is serious. It’s been two days since we last saw him.”

“Fine…” Mario hopped out of the chair. “I’ve got an idea!”

Mario and RM stood outside the castle.

“So, Mario… what’s your plan?”

“Simple!” Mario gestured dramatically to something beside him. “We’re gonna use this!”

“…We’re gonna use Luigi?”

“Hm?” Mario turned to see Luigi standing next to him.

“Yahoo!” Luigi said cheerfully. “I can be helpful!”

“NO!”

Mario kicked Luigi away, revealing Yoshi standing behind him.

“We’re-a gonna use Yoshi!”

“…How?”

“I’ll have him track SMG4’s scent!” He pulled out a pair of SMG4’s underwear, covered in images of the PINGAS meme.

“…Why do you have SMG4’s underwear?”

“I don’t know.”

Mario turned to Yoshi, holding out the underwear. “Alright, Yoshi! Find him!”

Yoshi sniffed the underwear and recoiled a bit. He looked Mario dead in the eye.

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!”

Yoshi then ran off.

Mario blinked. “…Welp. You got any ideas?”

“…let’s just check the town.”

“ALRIGHT!”

“MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STAAAAHHHHHHPPPP!”

“Huh.” SMG3 studied the screen, watching as SMG4 panicked about the Teletubbies around him. “How did you know…”

“Oh, I watch his videos,” the mysterious figure replied, a smile on his face.

“…Okay.”

“WHERE IS HE?!” Mario demanded. “I KNOW YOU TOOK HIM!”

The man backed up. “Look, man, I don’t know what you’re–”

“DON’T GIVE ME THAT B.S.!” FM growled, fire in his eyes. “I AM A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL MUSHROOM KINGDOM POLICE, AND YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY! OR I WILL TASER YOU!”

FM pulled out his taser.

“FINE, FINE!” the man held his hands up. “I’ll show you… just don’t hurt me…”

The man led the group to a nearby house, opening the door to reveal… Old Man Hobo.

“Dad?”

Old Man Hobo looked up. “John? Is that you?”

A Mario recolor pushed past RM and X, tears in his eyes. “DAD!”

As the two hugged, FM and Mario high-fived.

“Another job well done!”

“Alright, now that that’s done…” RM muttered. “CAN WE PLEASE FIND SMG4?”

“Hey, it’s SMG4!”

RM turned around, following Mario’s finger to see a Mario recolor with a blue cap and white overalls.

“SMG4!” he shouted, running over to the man. “THERE YOU–”

The man turned around, revealing himself to have cyan skin.

“–are?”

“Are… are you talking to me?” the guy asked.

“Sorry,” X said, placing a hand on RM’s shoulder. “He… we … thought you were someone else.”

The man smiled. “Nah, it’s fine.”

He then continued on his merry way.

Mario chuckled. “Good job, RM.”

“SHUT UP!” RM sighed. “X? How’s your plan?”

“Oh, yeah!” X looked to Mario. “You get those missing posters?”

Mario went cross-eyed. “Oooooo… you wanted missing posters?”

“…What did you do?”

“Mario put up wanted posters.”

The blue guy from before enjoyed his walk until a member of the RMKP saw him.

“IT’S THAT GUY FROM THE WANTED POSTER!” he shouted, “GET HIM!”

The guy paused. “What?”

He was then tackled by above ten officers.

RM sighed. “We’re never gonna find SMG4…”

“Wait, SMG4’s missing?”

The group turned to see Enzo standing behind them.

“Yep.” RM sighed. “And we’re never gonna find him…”

“…I saw him earlier today,” Enzo said. “He was being carried by another guy. Thought he was drunk or something.”

“Maybe he was.”

“Mario, stop being an idiot and use your brain.”

“HEY!”

Enzo rolled his eyes. “Then again, I don’t think has much of one in these videos. Or… is it chapters?”

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Mario charged at Enzo and began beating him up as the recolor screamed.

SMG4 screamed as he ran away from Po, who was shouting threats at him.

“So… what’s your beef with SMG4?” SMG3 asked, looking to his partner.

“…A while ago, back in 2011, I tried to close his account. He and Mario blew me up.”

“Is there any more to it than that?”

“Well, yes, but it’s a long tale of–”

“Eh, forget it.” SMG3 made for the door. “I’m going to get some fresh air.”

RM sighed. “Welp… this is where he said he saw SMG4… after someone beat him up for no good reason.”

“He insulted me!”

“And you beat him to a pulp. You can’t just do that, Mario.”

“Why not?”

“Uh, guys?”

“WHAT?!”

Mario, RM, and X followed FM’s line of sight to see SMG3 walking down the street.

“…Mario’s gonna kill some bitches.”

“It’s a lovely day to walk down the road–”

SMG3 was interrupted as Mario slammed into him.

“OW, GOD!” He looked up. After seeing what had hit him, he sighed. “Ugh. What do you want?”

“SMG3!”

FM, X, and RM glared down at the doppelgänger.

“Did you kidnap SMG4?” X asked.

“…Yesn’t.”

“What?”

“It was me and some weirdo who hates him, too.”

“Huh. You’re awfully cooperative.”

“Well, yeah.” SMG3 gestured in FM’s direction. “Your friend has a freakin’ glock pointed at me.”

X looked back at FM, who indeed at a glock pointed at SMG3. He smacked it out of his hands.

“This guy talks big, but he’s remarkably competent,” SMG3 noted. “You can’t stop him.”

“So help us.”

SMG3 blinked, looking over to FM. “Excuse me?”

“Help us save him!”

“And why would I ever do that?”

FM blinked. “Uh… if you don’t, he’ll be the one to beat SMG4! You won’t get any of the credit! “

“Yeah!” Mario agreed. “And you can get the chance to beat your stupid boyfriend later!”

“Yeah, I guess that makes – WAIT, WHAT?! SMG4 is not my freaking boyfriend!”

“But you’re gay for him, right?”

“NO! I HATE him! This is literally my second appearance, man! I am his rival! An antagonist! I have like zero character development so far!”

“…A’aight.”

“Moving along.” SMG3 stood up. “If we’re gonna save my jerkface rival, he’s over there, in that building.”

He pointed down the street he had been walking on.

“So let’s rescue him or whatever. So long as I get to be the one to take him down.”

“…Well, I guess that works,” X said with a shrug as he and the others followed SMG3.

Before long, they had reached the building.

“Alright, now be careful. This guy packs a punch,” SMG3 noted. “Not to mention, he’s really good at sneaking around and hiding in the shadows, so–”

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ?!”

SMG3 jumped away from the door. The figure was standing there, an angry glare directed at SMG3.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?!” the man growled. “You are supposed to be HELPING ME!”

“Please,” SMG3 replied. “I ain’t gonna let anyone else take credit for SMG4’s downfall but me!”

“You aren’t a villain!” The man’s glare intensified. “You aren’t even a good rival for SMG4! You won’t kill people, you won’t hurt innocents… you aren’t evil, even if you try to be!”

SMG3 looked at the ground, a shadow crossing his face. Then, he chuckled.

“WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY?!”

“Oh, nothing,” SMG3 teased. “Well, except for the fact that… you’re right. I’m not a villain. I’m not evil. I'm not even trying to be. My only goal… IS TO TAKE DOWN SMG4!”

SMG3 swung, his fist connecting with the man’s jaw. The figure fell to the ground, clutching his face.

“GO!” SMG3 shouted. “SAVE MY IDIOT RIVAL!”

“You ain’t fendin’ him off alone!” FM replied, taking a fighting stance beside SMG3 as Mario, RM, and X rushed into the building.

Upon entering the main room, they found SMG4 hooked up to a VR headset, locked in a room behind a steel door.

“How do we get in?!” X exclaimed.

Mario looked around frantically.

“OOOHHH MAH BUTT!”

SMG3 flew into the room, crashing into a nearby wall before falling to the ground.

“DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD HIM!” FM shouted. “HURRY!”

Mario’s expression hardenedned.

“FAT POWERS ACTIVATE!”

Mario jumped forward, crashing straight through the door. RM ran up and pulled the headset off of SMG4’s head. The YouTuber collapsed, but then quickly sat back up.

“OH JEEBUS!” SMG4 looked around. “WHERE AM I? HOW DID I GET HERE? ARE THE TELETUBBIES STILL HERE?!”

“SMG4, calm down,” X said, helping his friend up. “You okay?”

“Yeah… yeah, I think so.” SMG4 looked around. “How’d you find me?”

“That would be my doing.”

SMG3 grinned as he leaned in the doorway. “Couldn’t just let some rando jerkwad be the one to take you down a peg, now could I?”

SMG4 smiled. “Thanks, man! Wanna kill each other later or something?”

“Eh, more like humiliate, but sure.”

Mario laughed. “GAAAAAAYYYYYY!”

FM then flew into the room, hitting SMG3 in the back and knocking him over.

“You… IDIOTS!” the figure growled as he stepped into the light, finally revealing himself. He was a Mario recolor, just like the others, and wore red overalls, cyan hat and shirt with an “A” on the former, and green shoes.

“You’ve ruined EVERYTHING!” he snarled, marching towards them.

“Hey, dude, chill,” SMG4 said, backing up. “Could… could you just explain why you’re doing this? Please?”

He blinked. “I… oh, fine. I am Axitonium, and honestly? I’m jealous. I’m jealous of you and your stupid fame. I want to be famous like you. That’s why I stole your channel and tried to delete it. That’s why I kidnapped you. You overshadow everyone, and I’m not one to be overshadowed.”

“Wait, that was you?!” SMG4 exclaimed.

SMG3 burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny, SMG3?” Axitonium growled, glaring at the other recolor.

“Y-Your backstory!” SMG3 wheezed. “That is one of the worst reasons to hate someone that I’ve ever heard ! He was more famous than you, so you kidnap him?” He laughed. “At least I have actual motivation behind my actions! You’re just begging for an excuse to be a terrible villain!”

“S-SHUT UP!” Axitonium snapped. “I can be a good villain! Watch!”

He pulled out a remote and pressed a button on it.

“I’ve just started a countdown,” he growled. “In five minutes, this building will explode. AND NO ONE WILL SURVI–”

“Yeah, cool, whatever.” SMG3 waved him off. “Let’s get outta here.”

The group made for the door.

“OH NO YOU FUCKING DON’T!”

Axitonium lunged forward, grabbing ahold of SMG3’s ankle and pulling him to the ground. His hat tumbled off of him.

“YOU AREN’T GETTING AWAY, TRAITOR!” Axitonium growled. “IF ANYONE’S GOIN’ DOWN WITH ME, IT’S YOU!”

“SMG3!”

“GET OUTTA HERE!” SMG3 shouted. “I’VE SURVIVED WORSE! Besides, I can make a cool return someday…”

“SMG3… I’ll never forget this…”

“I literally just said I’ll be fine!”

SMG4, Mario, RM, X, and FM ran out of the building.

“It’s fine!” Axitonium said, chuckling. “I’ll still get you!”

“Nah.”

SMG3 kicked Axitonium in the face. He then grabbed the fallen metal door to SMG4’s prison and dropped it on top of him before leaping out the window.

“YOU STUPID BI–”

Axitonium was unable to finish his sentence before the building exploded, and vaporizing the villain inside.

SMG4 sighed as he watched the building’s remains collapsed, crushing whatever was left of Axitonium and his schemes within.

“Well… looks like 3 didn’t make it out.”

“Dude, I’m right behind you.”

SMG4 turned around to see that SMG3 was indeed behind him.

“SMG3!”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I need a new hat, but I’m fine.” SMG3 then turned away. “Don’t think this makes us friends or some dumb crap like that. I’m still gonna humiliate you next time we meet.”

“Oh, you!”

SMG4 watched as SMG3 ran off, a smile on his face.

“C’mon, guys, let’s go home!”

SMG4, Mario, X, FM, and RM walked off happily to enjoy the rest of the day.

Chapter Text

Hi, it's me. I'm back to this thing for now. So... yeah, this fic is dead. Kind of.

Long story short, I'm reworking this thing almost entirely from the ground up. I'm very unsatisfied with how this came out back in the day. A few chapters will carry over wholesale, but most will be heavily rewritten from how they were here. So, uh... look forward to SMG4: Project Rewrite! It'll be posted, uh... anytime now. The Cake is a Lie will be carried directly over to it as the first chapter, so... yeah.