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“I wanna shave my head.” Steve says abruptly. Eddie is sitting beside him on the couch, he has his legs thrown over his lap, head on his shoulder. They’re watching some movie, but Steve can’t focus on it, no matter how hard he tries.
Eddie’s head is slow to raise, and when Steve looks over to meet his eyes, he looks confused. His eyebrows are furrowed, eyes squinted, lip quirked.
“… What?”
“I-.. I wanna shave my head.” Steve repeats, but the sureity of his voice falters just a bit. He does want this. He’s just.. nervous.
“Okay,” Eddie nods, sitting up even more, propping his arm along the back of the couch, “Why?”
Steve takes a deep breath, thinks about his answer long and hard. This is something he’s been thinking about for weeks, maybe even a month at this point. But, somehow, saying it is so much harder than just.. thinking about it.
“Um,” He starts, hand fidgeting in his lap, “Well, Robin said that uh.. hair carries bad… energy? Like- All the bad shit that’s happen to me in the last few years, it’s.. It’s in my hair?”
Eddie snorts a little bit, and that makes Steve feel not great. He knows that he didn’t say exactly what he meant, but he’s.. he’s trying to be vulnerable about this.
“And you think shaving it will make it all go away?”
“I don’t know,” He says honestly, eyes downcast at his hands in his lap. It feels silly and stupid now, “Probably not. I just-.. Willing to try anything, you know? To maybe.. feel better. It’s probably a stupid idea, right? I mean- Hair can’t.. It’s not.. My emotions aren’t-“
“Hey.” Eddie whispers, reaching over and grabbing his hand, lacing their fingers together. He scoots a little closer, knocks his knees against Steve’s chest, rest his chin on his shoulder. “It’s not stupid. If you think it’ll make you feel better, then you should do it.”
“I’m just so tired of feeling this way, Eddie. Stuck. Like my life can never move on from all that.. shit. And I know it’s-… Just-.. Maybe if I-.. Let go of this, then I can let go of that.”
Eddie nods, leaning his forehead forward until it knocks against the side of Steve’s face, and Steve can feel his breath on his neck.
“Whatever you want to do, baby, we’ll do.”
That’s how they end up in the private bathroom in his bedroom, a towel on the ground, a chair on top of it. His dads clippers are plugged into the wall, Steve is sitting on the chair, and he’s just staring at himself in the mirror.
His hair has been such a large part of his identity for so long. Steve “The Hair” Harrington. It’s been his identifying feature for so long, and if he’s honest, he doesn’t know if he’ll know who he is without it.
He has to do this, though.
He has to.
Even if there’s just a chance that it’ll make him feel better, that it’ll ease the worry and pain inside his heart, the anxiety that he feels when his home creeks a little too loud, then he has to. He’s been holding onto this shit since ‘83. It’s almost ‘89 now.
Six years. His hair is holding onto six years of badness.
And sure, the last two years haven’t been bad. Not really. There haven’t been any Upside Down resurgences since ‘86, since Vecna, since Eddie got involved. Steve thinks that they might actually have won this time, and maybe getting rid of his hair will help solidify that.
The last two years have probably been the best of his life, if he’s honest. Him and Eddie got closer when Eddie was still in the hospital recovering, and he ended up coming to live with Steve when he was discharged. They fell into a pretty natural routine after that, one that faded into Steve falling in love with Eddie, kissing him on night in the kitchen when they were wine drunk and listening to Billy Joel.
The rest has been history.
Steve’s never been so happy with one person, ever. Eddie is the embodiment of everything good in Steve’s life, and he makes things easier.
But, that doesn’t mean he makes everything easier.
Steve still has nightmares, still feels the need to patrol around town, around his friends houses to make sure they’re okay. Eddie comes with him most nights, just so that he doesn’t have to be alone. It makes Steve feel bad every time because Eddie loses sleep over it, but his boyfriend never complains. He comes along with a sleepy smile on his face, holding Steve’s hand over the center console the whole time.
If Eddie was everything good in his life, maybe everything bad was in his hair.
It’s just hair.
It’s just hair. It grows back.
Eddie stands behind him, wraps his arms around his shoulders. They’re both shirtless, and in the mirror, Steve can see their matching scars. Eddie’s are worse, so Steve makes it a point to never point them out unless Eddie does.
He says that since they have matching scars, they’re connected now. Their souls are intertwined, or some shit like that.
The truth is, Steve doesn’t know how much he believes in stuff like this. Intertwined souls and bad energy being in his hair, but he would like to.
“Ready?” Eddie asks, propping his chin on top of Steve’s. They make eye contact in the mirror, and Steve nods.
He can do this.
He can.
It’s just hair.
“Yeah.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“… I want to.”
“Positive?”
Steve nods, and Eddie tilts his head down to press a kiss to the top of Steve’s head, giving him one last squeeze around his neck in a mock hug before nodding.
“Okay, baby. Let’s get this show on the road.”
Eddie brings a hand up, runs it through Steve’s hair to separate it down the middle, and he looks ridiculous. There’s a reason his hair is always parted to the side, because he looks like someone’s rich wine aunt with it parted down the center.
His eyes are glued to Eddie’s every movement, watching his pick up the clipper and click them to life. The gentle hum of the blade sends goosebumps down his entire body, and his heart starts pounding in his chest.
He can do this.
It’s just hair.
It grows back.
He can do this.
The badness will go away if he does this. He’ll feel okay again.
“Where do you want me to start?” Eddie asks, bringing the clippers a little closer to his hair. Steve flinches away from them, only a little bit. The vibration is too loud by his ear, and it only makes his heart beat harder in his chest.
“I-.. I don’t.. know.”
“I can start right in the center, so that way you can’t go back.” Eddie says, and Steve thinks he means it as a joke, but that’s now how Steve takes it. He’s right. He should start dead smack in the center of his head. He wouldn’t be able to back out then.
“.. Yeah, down the center.” He nods.
“Are you sure?”
“Mhm.”
Eddie is still standing behind him when he lines the clippers up with the center of Steve’s skull. He’s hovering just in front of his hair, and Steve’s whole body is trembling. Heart racing, palms sweating, body shaking.
It’s just hair.
It’s just fucking hair.
“Do it.” He says, but his voice shakes. Eddie gives him a concerned look in the mirror, but he starts to move it forward anyways.
“Here we go.” Eddie says, and the tip of guard bumps Steve’s forehead. Panic races down his spine.
“Wait-“ He shakes his head, and Eddie immediately pulls the clippers back. He didn’t cut any of his hair yet.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I-.. I don’t know why I-..”
“You don’t have to do this, baby.”
“I want to.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m just-.. Nervous.”
“Why?”
The real reason sits on Steve’s tongue for a moment too long. That he doesn’t know who he is without his hair, that so many people identify him with it, that it’s felt like a security blanket for so many years. He knows that it’s stupid to put so much of his confidence in his hair, but it was *him* for so long.
But, it feels silly to tell Eddie that. So, he shrugs.
“What if I have a weird shaped head?”
That makes Eddie laugh. It’s with his full chest, he snorts a little bit. Steve loves his laugh.
“Oh, baby. I promise that you have a normal shaped head.”
“You don’t know that. It could be… lumpy under all the hair.”
“I’d still love you even if you had a lumpy head, Stevie.”
His heart jumps to his throat, “… Really?”
The clippers click to a stop, and Eddie wraps his arms around Steve’s neck again. Their faces are close, close enough that Eddie presses one, two, three kisses to his cheek.
“Promise. I’ll love you no matter what.”
“I love you,” Steve whispers, turning his head to catch Eddie’s lips in his, “So much.”
“I love you,” Eddie smiles against his mouth, “I know I keep telling you, but you really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“I do want to. Let’s.. Come on, baby. Shave my head.”
Eddie kisses him again, sitting back up, clicking the clippers on. They buzz, and the panic in his heart is back. He feels so stupid and overdramatic, especially when he stops Eddie from doing the first cut again.
They do this three more times. Eddie talks Steve down, tells him he doesn’t have to do it, and Steve says he wants to. He does. But, then all the fear creeps back in, and he can’t.
And Eddie, to his credit, never gets mad at Steve. He talks him down every time, kisses his face over and over again, and tells him it’s okay.
“Tell me the real reason you don’t want me to shave your head.” Eddie says after the fifth time of putting the clippers down.
“I did.”
“No, you didn’t. Lumpy head fears don’t go on this long. What’s wrong?”
Steve bites on his lip, because he knows in his heart that Eddie won’t judge him for it, but that doesn’t make it feel any less silly. It’s takes him a minute or two to build up the confidence.
“.. I just- I’m.. Im scared that-.. I don’t-.. What if I’m not me without my hair?”
“What?”
“It’s just- It’s been such a big part of me for so long, right? It’s what people.. know me for. Steve “The Hair” Harrington. And I guess part of me is scared that without my hair, I won’t be.. me anymore.”
“Do you think I wouldn’t be me without my hair?”
“What? Of course you would still be you-“
“Then what’s so different about you doing it?”
Steve freezes, and he knows that Eddie has a point. He knows that nothing will change if he shaves his head. He’s just.. scared.
“I don’t know.”
“You’ll still be Steve with a shaved head, because your hair isn’t you, baby. You’re so much more than that.”
Steve wants to cry. He loves him so much.
“Okay.”
“Ready?”
Steve nods, and Eddie kisses his head again, before turning the clippers on. They buzz to life, and Steve’s heart races, but not as bad. Eddie is right. He’s still himself without his hair. His hair is not him.
Eddie lines the clippers up with the center of Steve’s head, looking at him in the mirror, before smiling.
“Ready?”
“Mhm.”
This time, it’s Eddie who hesitates. The clippers don’t push forward, and he just stares at Steve for a long moment, like he’s taking him in. There’s a look in his eyes that Steve doesn’t know, but he smiles at him in the mirror.
And then Eddie brings the clippers away from Steve’s head, and brings them up to his own.
He pushes it straight down the center of his head. His bangs cut off at the root, and a long strip of short dark brown hair sitting between his curls.
“What are you doing?!” Steve asks, turning around in the chair to look at his boyfriend, who just shrugs.
“You said hair carries bad energy. I’ve got a lot of that. It’s time for a fresh start for both of us. Your turn, baby.” Eddie laughs, a single strip shaved down the center of his head. He looks ridiculous. He looks beautiful. Steve wants to cry.
“Do your worst.” He says through a watery laugh, and Eddie smiles at him, before bringing the clipper down the center of Steve’s head without hesitation.
Even that one strip felt amazing.
It feels like all the weight in the world has been taken off his shoulders the more and more that Eddie cuts off. He doesn’t touch his own hair for a while, not until the length of Steve’s is cut completely off. They trade places, and Steve watches all of Eddie’s long hair fall to the floor.
“Can’t believe you shaved your head for me.” Steve says, and Eddie shrugs.
“I’d do a lot of things for you. Hair grows back.”
“I love you.” He whispers as the last pieces of Eddie’s hair falls to the ground. They need to go back in and clean their heads up, get it even, but that can wait. For now, Steve clicks the clippers off, puts them on the sink, and wraps his arms around his boyfriends neck.
Their shaved heads bump into each other, and they’re both smiling.
“Do you feel better?” Eddie asks, and Steve nods because he does. He feels better. He feels light. It may not have fixed everything, but it's a start.
“Yeah, I do.”