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After everything was said and done, Steve never fully felt… safe.
The Upside Down was gone, he knew that. Everyone he loved was, miraculously, alive. Safe. Sure, not everyone got out unharmed, but they were here , and that’s what matters. There isn’t a supernatural force chasing them, there’s no looming threat of the ground splitting open and monsters pouring out of them. No, the only thing that The Party had to worry about now was actual, genuine, teenage and young adult problems.
That didn’t mean that Steve could just… let go.
Who could blame him though, really? He’s spent the last three years of his life in protector mode. Protect the kids, protect Nancy, Robin, Eddie. It wasn’t something he could just shake off. The feeling of doom didn’t go away, it lingered, finding a home in Steve’s brain that made him paranoid. Little noises would set him off, which, in his big house, happened a lot. Something would creak downstairs and Steve’s hand would instinctively fly to the nail bat that he still kept by his bedside. The wind would blow a little too hard and Steve would be out of bed in an instant, sneaking around to each window, just to make sure that nothing was out there.
He wasn’t sleeping a lot.
It wasn’t for lack of trying on his part, he wanted to sleep. Wanted to fall back into his bed like he did before the world he knew ended, fall asleep in seconds and stay asleep until the next afternoon. Back when life was easy, simple. When his biggest problem was if a girl thought he was nice to look at, or that he didn’t score at the basketball game. The world wasn’t so scary then, the nightmares stayed where they were supposed to be, in his head. They didn’t walk on all fours, or on two legs, or look like some weird fucking alien human. The Upside Down was gone. It’s gone, it’s done, it isn’t coming back. But they’ve said that before, over and over again, but it always came back. And it always came back with a fucking vengeance . So, Steve’s protector mode didn’t turn off and his paranoia only grew. Something was going to happen, he could feel it.
Tonight was a particularly bad night. He had finally, finally, been getting some sleep, when the wind blew enough that his entire house shook. Steve sat up with a panic, looked around, immediately overtaken with the fear of Hawkins splitting open again. He was out of bed in seconds, nail bat in his hand as he stalked down the stairs. He walked by all the windows, checked all the doors, even walked out on his back patio to make sure that he couldn’t see any cracks in his backyard. But the only thing he saw was the light from his pool, heard the gentle hum of the pool's cleaning system, and the outdoor ambiance of the crickets. There wasn’t any screaming, there wasn't any begging for help, or monsters calling out for each other. At least, not here.
He should go check on everyone else, though.
He knows that it’s… weird, to drive to everyone’s house in the middle of the night, and sit outside for a few minutes, but he can’t help it. He has to make sure they’re all still safe, still alive, that nothing can get them. It’s always the same. He sits outside The Wheeler’s house for ten minutes, The Sinclair’s for fifteen, The Byers/Hopper home for thirty, Dustin’s for thirty, and then he’d end up at the trail park.
It was a different one than Eddie and Max used to live in, bought and paid for by The Upside Down wing of the government. They relocated everyone, bought them new trailers, even furnished them. It was nice, Max told Steve, because she got a new bed that was easier on her back and they had built her a wheelchair ramp to use while she’s recovering. Eddie and Wayne had taken the trailer directly across from Max’s, promising to keep an eye out for her. Max’s mom was working more to pay for medical bills, meaning that Max spent a lot of her time with Eddie and Wayne. Steve didn’t think any of them minded, it was nice to have a little family to lean on.
He always ends up spending bare minimum an hour at the trailer park, waiting for something to happen. It won’t, it never does, but Steve needs to do this. Eddie and Max are the two people that Steve needs to protect the most, they’re the one he failed the worst.
Max’s legs were fucked after Vecna, and her vision wasn’t quite as good as it used to be. Months of extensive therapy at the hospital had Max closer and closer to walking unassisted every day, but she still had a long time to go before she got to that. Eddie had been mauled by bats, barely surviving. He was hanging on by a thread by the time Steve finally got to him and Dustin, when Steve had carried Eddie out of The Upside Down. He had been in the hospital for three months after that, fighting for his life for the first month. Eddie and Steve share twin scars, but somehow, Steve had gotten lucky.
If Steve had just been a little faster, had thrown the first Molotov Cocktail a little earlier, worked out a better plan, then maybe Max and Eddie wouldn’t have been hurt. If Steve had forced both of them to stay far, far away from The Upside Down and Vecna then maybe-
Something darts out from behind one of the trailers, Steve’s hand is on his door handle and bat in an instant. He’s out of the Beemer, walking towards where he saw the shadow, bat thrown up over his shoulder. He knew it. He knew something was off tonight, knew that there was no way that they actually were fucking finished with this.
He creeps around a corner, glancing around, gripping his bat like his life depends on it. It has before. He looks, and looks, taking the smallest steps he can. The element of surprise is what he’s going for, he doesn’t know how many creatures, or how big they’re going to be. He needs the upper hand, especially against creatures with hundreds of rows of teeth.
He takes another step, miscalculates, steps on a branch, like a fucking amateur . He freezes, heart rate elevating, hands fucking sweating. Something in front of him moves, rattles some trash and starts running, Steve waits until it’s close to rear back with his bat and-
It’s a cat.
It’s a cat, who stops right in front of Steve for a moment, hisses, and takes off in the other direction. Steve’s shoulders droop, he drops the bat to his side. False alarm. Just a cat. Not every animal in a demonic beast trying to kill his friends.
He sighs, shakes his head a bit, goes to turn on his heels to start back to the Beemer, but he turns straight into someone, something.
Steve’s free hand comes up fast, shoves at the thing in front of him. It lets out a pained noise while Steve’s lifting his bat. He has it behind his head to swing before he even looks up, but he’s so grateful that he did look up before he swung, because the thing he ran into is Eddie.
He’s standing there in a Black Sabbath shirt that’s too big for him, hands off his shoulders a little awkward. Pair of black and red checkered PJ pants, got his hair pulled up into a messy bun and he’s looking at Steve with wide eyes and his hands held in front of his face.
“Jesus H. Christ, Steve! Watch who you’re swinging that thing at.” Eddie says, voice an octave higher than it needs to be. Steve feels a warm blush cover his cheeks, dropping his head.
“Sorry.”
“You’re lucky you didn’t take my head off,” Eddie says, lowering his hands slowly, “What the hell are you doing out here anyways?”
Steve glances up, shrugs a little bit, “… Patrol.”
“Patrol? What does that mean?”
“Making sure everything’s-… Safe. That you and Max are okay.”
Steve feels stupid. He’s so fucking embarrassed. He’s never been caught on a bad night like this, on the nights that he has to check. This is the first time that he’s gotten out of his car though, so it makes sense that Eddie did catch him this time. Still, it doesn’t lessen the feeling of dread in his stomach.
“It’s almost four in the morning.” Eddie says, taking a small step towards Steve. Steve stays planted, but keeps his head hung.
“… I know.”
“How long have you been out?”
“… I don’t know.”
“Jesus, sweetheart, have you slept yet?” Eddie asks, tentatively teaching a hand out to place on Steve’s shoulder. Steve lets him, likes when Eddie touches him.
“I-.. A little? I’m fine, I’ll sleep when I get back ho-“
“If you think I’m letting you drive all the way back to Loch Nora tonight, you’re insane.”
Steve finally looks up, meets Eddie’s eyes. They’re pretty. Really pretty, Steve notices in the rare moments like this that he can just look. Eddie’s pretty too, way prettier than Steve can even comprehend, even with his new face scar. Steve likes it, thinks it adds character to Eddie’s already exciting personality. His hand is on Steve’s shoulder, he rubs it gently, pulls Steve closer to him. Steve goes, stumbling slightly into Eddie’s space.
This close, Steve can smell Eddie’s body wash, his aftershave. And God, does it smell good. Eddie always smells like pine needles and rain, mixed with weed and cigarette smoke. Steve has thought about burying his face in Eddie’s chest and just breathing in his scent all day long before.
Steve, may, possibly, have been harboring some more than friendship feelings towards Eddie. But it felt so selfish, the timing was wrong. Eddie was healing, Steve didn’t know if he was interested in him in that way, didn’t want to put the extra stress of having to turn Steve down on Eddie. He deserves to heal, not to deal with someone who looked into his eyes once and spiraled into a sexuality crisis.
But right now? Eddies looking at Steve with a look that has so rarely been directed at Steve by anyone. His big doe eyes are soft, full of… Steve doesn’t even know what. He wants to call it love, admiration, but that feels selfish. He just knows that Eddie’s looking at him like he’s important right now, and Steve likes it.
“I wouldn’t want to intr-“
“You’re not intruding. I’m not letting you leave, come on.”
Eddie tugs on Steve’s shoulder again, pulls him against his side. He slides his hand from one shoulder, to the other, laying his arm around the back of Steve’s neck. He holds him like that the entire walk back to Eddie’s trailer, holds onto him like that until they get to Eddie’s door. Steve breathes out a little bit, trying to mask his disappointment at the lack of warmth at his side when Eddie steps away.
Inside the Munson trailer looks surprisingly the same it did at the old park. Mugs and hats line the wall, years of memory of Wayne and Eddie trying to out gift each other with the worst ones they could find. A family tradition, Eddie had told Steve.
“We haven’t had a sleepover in a while.” Eddie says, stopping in the kitchen to grab each of them a bottle of water. Steve nods.
Back when Eddie was still in the hospital, Steve spent a lot of nights with him. There had been this weird period of time where they weren’t allowed to tell Wayne that Eddie was alive, not until the charges were dropped. Even when Eddie was slipping, they couldn’t tell Wayne. And Steve couldn’t handle the thought of Eddie passing away alone, so he stayed with him.
When Eddie had eventually woken up and everything was okay, Steve still stayed with him some nights. Helped him do small things, like pull his blankets up, flip pages in the books that Eddie read to pass the time, rub his shoulders if the pain was too much. Caretaker mode and protector mode went hand in hand. Steve loved doing both.
That’s how they had gotten so close, spending so many nights alone. They would talk about the world, about school, Eddie opened up about his dead beat dad and Steve had talked about how his parents never really loved him. They bonded, became really good friends.
But Steve hasn’t stayed with Eddie since he got out of the hospital. Felt like he’s intruding on Eddie and Wayne’s space, on their time. He was here a lot when Eddie first got to come home to help him get comfortable but, beyond that, he wasn’t around as much.
“I know,” Steve says, taking the water bottle when Eddie hands it to him, “I’m taking the couch?”
“Actually, that’s where Wayne sleeps now. It’s a pullout, man. Super fucking fancy.”
“That’s sick, I bet he enjoys that a lot.”
“Yeah, he does. Anyways, you can come sleep with me. My beds big.”
Steve had shared a bed with his friends for as long as he could remember - Tommy, Dustin, Robin. It shouldn’t have made his stomach curl up at the thought, but he supposed the difference is he didn’t have feelings for the other three. He didn’t fantasize about waking up next to them like he does with Eddie.
But, Steve also knows that Eddie won’t take no for an answer. So he just nods, follows him to his bedroom. It’s basically the same as well, there’s some posters missing and less general clutter but it’s still very Eddie. His guitar hangs up beside his bed, there’s empty cans on the side desk, a stack of books and papers thrown on the ground. Steve does his best to step around them, watching as Eddie crawls onto the bed.
The other man tucks himself up against the wall, flipping down on the pillow. He’s facing Steve as he lays down, Steve choosing to sit on the edge of the bed. He has his back to Eddie, but he can feel the other man’s eyes on him. It makes his heart beat out of his fucking chest. He doesn’t know if it’s from the proximity, from the idea of sleeping in the same bed as Eddie, or still from the embarrassment of being caught.
He knows that sooner or later, Eddie will ask. He’ll want a further explanation than ‘making sure you’re safe,’ and Steve will have to tell him the truth. He hasn’t told anybody, not even Robin, doesn’t want to see the pity in everyone’s eyes when they realize that Steve isn’t as strong as he pretended to be during. That while he pretended that beyond his scars, The Upside Down didn’t have any lasting effects on him, it had.
“Are you gonna lay down?”
“Huh- Oh. Yeah, sorry,” Steve whispers. He shimmies up, lays down beside Eddie. He stares at the ceiling, can feel Eddie staring at him. It’s silent for a while. Steve can feel the questions that Eddie hasn’t asked yet lingering in the air, it makes Steve wanna run away. He taps his fingers on his stomach, tries to close his eyes so he can pretend like he’s going to sleep, but then Eddie speaks.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Talk about what?”
“Why you were outside my trailer at four in the morning?”
“… I told you already. Just… checking on things. Making sure you guys are… safe.”
“How often do you do that?” Eddie asks, scooting a little closer to Steve. He’s testing the waters, Steve thinks, trying to see how close Steve will let him get before he freaks out or melts down. It’s exactly why he hasn’t told anyone. He doesn’t want pity .
“Not very often,” Steve lies, it’s usually once a week, “Maybe twice since everything.”
“Are you sure?” Eddie whispers, he’s laying only maybe a foot from Steve now. Steve’s hands fidget on his stomach a little bit more, needs the anxious energy to be anywhere but in.
“Yea-“
“Because I saw the Beemer parked out there last week. Twice the week before.”
Steve’s breathing catches in his throat, feels like his world comes crashing down around him. Eddie’s seen him before? He’d been so careful, parking far enough away from both Max’s and Eddie’s trailer that his car shouldn’t have been in plan view. He didn’t get out of his car but this one time, he’d been playing it so safe.
“Maybe one of your neighbors just have a simil-“
“Steve, sweetheart, I know what your car looks like. I know what you look like.” Eddie says, slowly reaching a hand out towards Steve’a shaking one’s. He grabs it, laces their fingers together, effectively stopping the anxious movements. Steve still doesn’t look over at Eddie. He can’t. He’s too fucking embarrassed.
“I-.. I just need to… I need to make sure everyone is safe.” Steve whispers after a silence. Eddie rubs his thumb against the side of Steve’s hand.
“Have you been sleeping?”
“Ye-“
“Steve,” His voice isn’t scolding, it’s laced with concern. Steve doesn’t know which is worse, “You don’t have to lie to me.”
The tears are fighting their way up, no matter how hard Steve is trying to push them down. He doesn’t want to cry, doesn’t want to be weak. That’s not his job, his job is to be the strong one, to keep people safe. It feels especially unfair to be weak around Eddie, who’s gone through so much more, lost so much more than Steve has. He doesn’t deserve to have to be comforting Steve, of all people.
“I do sleep. Maybe not as.. much as a person should, but I sleep.”
“Why aren’t you sleeping a lot?”
“I just can’t, it’s not a big deal.”
“Steve, I can see the eye bags under your eyes. I’ve come into Family Video and you’re half asleep on the front counter. It’s a big deal when it affects you like that. You can talk to me, you know that right? I-.. I don’t want you to think you have to keep all this shit in.”
“I’m fine, Eddie. Really.”
“That’s a lie. You’re not. And it’s okay to not be fine after all the shit you’ve seen. When was the last time you talked about it? Talked about how it affected you.”
Steve’s lip quivers slightly, Eddie’s grip on his hand tightens. Steve doesn’t want to be selfish. He’s fine. He’s been fine not talking about it this entire time, he’ll be fine long after this paranoia goes away. He just needs time to settle, it’s only been a year since everything happened.
“I’m okay-“
“Baby, please talk to me,” Eddie whispers, scooting closer to him. Chill bumps erupt down Steve’s body at the pet name, at how close Eddie is to him. Steve watches as Eddie brings his other hand up tentatively, running it through Steve’s hair, “It’s-.. I hate seeing you like this. Hate seeing you struggle and be so tired all the time. Let me help, okay?”
A tear or two finally break away from his eyes, dripping down the sides of his face. His lip is quivering, eyes squeezing shut as he fights any more of the tears from coming. Eddie lets him have his moment, rubs his scalp with dull nail, squeezes his hand. He’s letting Steve know he’s here, but that he’s willing to wait.
“I’m just- I-.. I’m,” Steve mumbles, his voice cracking. He can’t help it, the emotions are getting the better of him, no one has *really* noticed before. Sure, Robin tries, but Steve is good at hiding it from her. Eddie sees right through him, “I’m just-.. Scared.”
“Of what?”
“That it’s going to come back, ” Steve half sobs, his whole body is shaking, “That it’s going to come back and someone is going to die. E-Everyone’s just.. Just moving on and that’s how it’s gotten us every single time. We think it’s gone, and it’s not, and people get hurt-“
Eddie cuts Steve off by pulling him flush against his body, forcing him to roll onto his side. Steve’s arms latch onto Eddie before his brain catches up to it, Eddie’s hand on the back of Steve’s head leading it into his shoulder. Steve doesn’t fight it anymore, sinks in Eddie’s embrace, and just cries.
“Baby, I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t’ve had to be dealing with all this on your own,” Eddie whispers into Steve’s hair, placing a gentle kiss against his head. It makes Steve sputter on another sob, “It’s not your responsibility to make sure no one gets hurt, you know that right?”
“It is, though. It’s mine. It’s always been mine, I-I’m so supposed to keep people safe and I didn’t do that then, so I-.. I have to do it now. ”
“What do you mean you didn’t do it then? All you’ve done since I met you is protect people, even at the expense of your own well-being.”
“You and Max got hurt, ” It’s a loud, painful sob, “You got hurt and it’s my fault.”
“Steve, you saved my fucking life,” Eddie says, placing his hands on either side of Steve’s face, pulling his head back to force him to look him in the eyes. Steve doesn’t want to, knows he looks ridiculous with his tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes, but does anyways, “I would have died in The Upside Down if you didn’t carry me out.”
“You shouldn’t’ve gotten hu-“
“I made that decision. On my own. To run back into those bats. I did that knowing I would get hurt. There’s nothing that you could have done to stop that. Steve, you’ve done an amazing job keeping everyone safe and alive. But it isn’t- It’s not something you have to keep doing. It’s done, it’s over. You can rest, baby. You can rest.”
Steve doesn’t have it in him to argue anymore. He just lets his head fall forward, his forehead resting on Eddie’s chin. He feels the lightest brush of Eddie’s lips against his hair, feels Eddie tighten his grip around Steve’s body. Eventually, Steve’s head slips back into Eddie’s neck and he cries there until he can’t cry anymore.
They don’t talk anymore after that. Eddie just holds Steve, draws shapes on his back and arms. Steve lays there, breathing in Eddie’s scent and enjoying his body warmth.
Eventually, they fall asleep like that.
And for the first time in so long? Steve feels… safe.