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If Wylan was honest, it wasn’t just what he expected from Jesper personally that made him sneak out before Jesper woke that morning. There hadn’t been a long line of other people before him but Wylan knew better than to expect anything more. It had always been hidden, and quick, and nothing more than a few stolen moments. And Wylan was fine with that. He’d come to expect it. And then he got to know Jesper, and his worldview started to tilt.
“Well, the night is still young. Wanna get out of here?” Jesper was buttoning up his shirt, standing by the side of the bed. Wylan was still laying down, watching Jesper pace around. He wasn’t quite ready to get up, dreading the cold of the workshop that he was hiding from under the covers. “I haven’t had any opportunity to spend the money from the Ravka job, and I owe you dinner.” Wylan ducked his head, smiling.
“You don’t need to buy me dinner.”
“I know that. I want to buy you dinner.” Jesper thankfully didn’t point out the way Wylans stomach had been grumbling non stop the last few days, or how skinny he was underneath all the layers he packed on himself. Wylan didn’t like thinking about it, it was easier to push it to the back of his head until the next time he got his hands on something to eat, or until he passed out and was forced to acknowledge it. But Jesper wasn’t forcing him to acknowledge anything, just offering him a good time.
So he got dressed, and together they walked into the bustling night. On their way out, Jesper had wrapped arm around Wylans shoulder and for a few moments, he didn’t think anything of it at all. Jesper had put his arms around him like it was the most normal thing at all. It wasn’t until they were out on the more crowded streets and Jesper pulled him closer Wylan even realized what was going on. He had never done anything quite like this before, the casual affection unrelated to making out and hooking up. He had a brief moment of panic, wondering if he was meant to do something. But Jesper was talking excitedly, his hand brushing up and down over Wylan arm, and he didn’t seem to need anything more.
It went on like that during the night. They sat down for drinks and Jesper shuffled closer, their sides pressed together and Jespers arm around his waist. Wylan felt his heart beat faster. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this close for someone for so long. Jesper, probably a naturally affectionate person, didn’t realize he was turning Wylans life around with every stroke of his thumb and everytime he fiddled with Wylans fingers. And it was so, so easy for Wylan to lean his head on Jespers shoulder, to place his hand over the one Jesper had wrapped around him, to lean into each kiss on his face. It was so easy, and Wylan had never considered it could be easy.
Later that night, when they had ended up in what was apparently Jespers new room, he had wrapped his arm around Wylan again, pulling him closer as they fell asleep, Wylan much faster than he usually would. He didn’t know if it was because of the long day they’d had, full of excitement and running late into the night, or because of the weight and warmth of the arm splayed across his side.
During the time they had before they left for Shu Han this continued. Jesper would grab Wylans hand at dinner, hug him close in the morning, wrap his arm around him when they’re walking. Wylan wished he was as comfortable. He’d initiate kisses and drag Jesper to bed, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out the right moment to hold Jespers hand. But so far he hadn’t needed to figure it out. Jesper pulled in the space between them, and Wylan gladly fell towards him.
Then, because Wylan can’t have anything good in life, things got complicated. Like a complete idiot, he’d asked Jesper what the passport said. He didn’t know what had possessed him, he knew that was the one thing he was not to do. Maybe he’d dropped his guard somewhere between the late night and late mornings they’d spent together, gotten too comfortable with his Jespers arm around his waist. He’d walked away, fleeing until he was alone with his panic. It couldn’t happen again, it wouldn’t, if Jesper would ever talk to him again after this. He couldn’t afford slips like this, and he felt like an idiot for ever allowing himself one.
That didn’t stop him from being stupid enough to have more, for nearly mentioning his old tutor, from fucking up and very obviously touching a nerve with Jespers powers in an attempt to direct attention away from him. And even being angry at Jesper, for something that was really his own fault, didn’t stop him from wanting to throw himself into Jespers arms again, to hold his fucking hand and tell him about the flowers and butterflies of Shu Han. He couldn’t remember the last time he missed anything like this. It wasn’t like he’d been going around thinking about resting his head on someones chest or holding someones hands before Jesper had swooped into his life. He hadn’t had anything to miss, and he was unreasonably upset at Jesper for giving him something.
“Wylan! Wylan!” He heard Jesper run up to him and his heart beat faster, sure that this would be the final nail in the coffin. But Jesper caught up to him, talking about how his kruges dropped, and Wylan allowed himself to lean into the hope he felt. “I don’t wanna hide who I am anymore, for a million reasons. You included.” Wylan felt his face flush, and turned away as a smile grew on his face. There was a prickling in the back of his head, reminding him what he himself was hiding. But he couldn’t allow another slip up, couldn’t risk losing whatever this thing was they had.
So he dropped the subject, and told Jesper about the butterflies, and how he’d wished he’d had Jesper with him. And Jesper smiled, their hands intertwined between them, and Wylan felt himself relax for the first time since in Shu Han. They kissed, and Jesper pulled him into embrace, wrapping his arms around him, and Wylan buried his face against Jespers shoulder. He let out a sigh which felt like it had been inside him for a long, long time. Around him he was distantly aware of movement and voices, but Jesper didn’t let him go, and he didn’t attempt to move away.
On the ship on their way to Ravka they fell asleep sitting against the walls of the ship, Wylans back against Jespers chest, their arms intertwined. No one could have avoided noticing their displays of affection earlier, and no one had seemed to react to them either. Only Tolya looked at them and smiled, giving Jesper a thumbs up that earned him a raised eyebrow from Wylan. Jesper just shook his head, promising he’d explain later. They had a moment of peace here, hidden away in the nook of the ship, before whatever it was waiting for them in Ravka. Wylan was terrified, knowing the chances of them ever returning were slim at the very best. But here and now, he could just think of the feeling of Jespers breath in his hair, their fingers intertwined.
“What are you thinking about?” Jesper mumbled, his voice so close to Wylans ear sending chills down his neck. He had no idea what time it was, or how long they’d slept.
“That if you told me a couple of weeks ago this is where I’d end up, I would never have believed you.”
“On a flying ship from Shu Han to Ravka to help save the world, or in my arms?” Wylan could nearly hear the smirk in Jespers voice, and pulled back just enough to look at him.
“Both,” Wylan replied, a smirk of his own. Jesper chuckled quietly, and Wylan leaned in the kiss him. There hadn’t been much privacy on the trip, and their little nook in the ship, hidden by just a tarp and the darkness of the room, was the most they’d gotten in days. Wylan twisted around, ended up sitting sideways over Jespers lap as the other wrapped his arms around Wylans waist. His hands came up around Jespers neck as he deepened the kiss, and Jespers free hand cupped his cheek. Wylan could feel his own heart beating fast, and when he pressed closer to Jesper he felt the others heart match the speed. Somewhere in Wylans head there was a voice telling him they probably should slow this down, considering they were in a very open space, but that voice was quickly forgotten as Jesper broke their kiss and pressed his lips against Wylans neck. He held back a sigh, and leaned his head back into the hand Jesper had sneaked into his hair, thanking the Saints for the fact that they had gotten the spot furthest away from–
Three loud bangs made him jump, Jesper sitting up straight against the wall, his head falling back.
“We’re nearly there, everyone get up and get ready.” Kaz voice cut through the room, the sound of the rest of the crew waking up around them. Wylan held back a groan.
“This better not become a recurring event,” Jesper muttered, and Wylan nodded. Before they even could start moving, the tarp hung up between them and everyone was was tugged away. Wylan watched as Kaz took in their arms still tightly wrapped around each other, Wylans most certainly messed up hair and flushed face. He did not look impressed.
“That includes you two.”
“Good morning to you too, boss,” Jesper replied, his arms not straying from Wylan. Kaz glared at them, and then walked off. “Well, he’s cheery,” Jesper muttered, as they slowly let go of each other, getting ready for the day. They never strayed far however, whenever they weren’t in direct contact with each other Jesper was still close enough for Wylan to reach out to him whenever he wanted.
Ravka had been a blur in. Seeing how terrified he’d been the whole time, Wylan was quite proud he’d managed to actually do a few useful things, even though he could barley remember them looking back. He remembered the courtyard, holding his hand on Jespers back just to have something to ground himself too. He remember watching Jesper throw the buttons on his coat, the pride he’d felt in the midst of the flash of the movements. The darkness of the Fold, that made the fear he had experienced so far on the mission feel insignificant. Somewhere he remember throwing the bomb on the shadow monster, and he remember the sun breaking through the darkness. At one point he’d ended up on the ground, him and Jesper and someone else he hadn’t kept track on thrown to the side by the monster. His head had hit the rows of benches, and for a moment the world was just as dark as it had been in the Fold again. When he came back, probably just after a few seconds, he saw Jesper get up, blood running from his nose. He had no idea what had happened, but didn’t have the time to question it. The shadow monster lashed out, throwing someone Wylan couldn’t register across the room. Jesper was by his side in a second, his eyes darting over the room, his body in a defensive position, his hand steady on Wylans arm. The hopelessness had set in sometime during the fight, egging on the panic that threatened to overtake him at any moment. Jesper placed a hand on Wylans cheek, gently tilting his face, looking him up and down. Everything around him was blurry, but Jespers eyes roaming over him, checking for any injuries, were clear and sharp. It was all Wylan needed, and he let himself be pulled up, and leaned toward his chest when Jesper wrapped his arm around him. He was still dizzy, and welcomed being able to lean on something. Someone.
Somewhere in the haze he understood they’d done it, that the Fold was gone, the general was dead. A part of his brain reminded him that they’d been a part of this, he’d been a part of this. He’d done something important with his sorry life, and he would be in the right mind to celebrate later, but now everything was too bright, too much, and he just wanted to focus on the feeling of Jespers hand on his neck as he quietly asked Wylan if he was alright. Wylan nodded, but Jesper urged him to sit down and rest anyways. The sun shining slowly cleared his head, and they sat together, Jesper stiller than he usually was. He toyed with his gun, but sat relaxed next to Wylan. Wylan found himself smiling at the things Jesper would say, the air of victory settling in his bones, together with another truth. As long as Jesper would have him, Wylan would stay. He’d forget who he ever was before the barrel, never breathe the name Van Eck again, do whatever jobs Kaz threw his way if he only was allowed to reach out for Jespers hand whenever he wanted. As long as Jesper would pull him close, in private, in public, everywhere in between, he’d do anything to stay.