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Sometimes, in the late of the night, Eggsy hears Harry whispering in the darkness. It’s comforting, even though Eggsy knows that Harry isn’t actually there.
Dead men don’t tell tales after all.
But underneath the moonlight, Eggsy can feel the phantom touch of Harry’s fingers on his skin. Gentle caresses on his face, moving down to cup his hands, the ghost pressure of Harry pulling him close.
During the night is the only time where Eggsy feels whole, alone in their bed, memories of Harry enveloping him in their welcoming arms.
*
The first night after Harry’s death, Eggsy doesn’t sleep. He cries, angry at the world for taking away his mentor, his friend, his lover. He wrecks the bedroom, cotton sheets shredded and wooden furniture cracked in the wake of his grief. He collapses on the floor in exhaustion after several hours of screaming and crying, pillows and cotton scraps surrounding him, and he lets himself slump to the ground.
“Harry,” he sobs out softly. Eggsy can almost swear he feels the sheets move around him, but waves away the notion, figuring he was seeing things in his mourning. He focuses on the memory of Harry’s weight and warmth in his arms, feeling the ghost of Harry for the first time.
*
Eggsy stops taking surveillance missions, choosing the riskier and more suicidal options that Merlin presents to him. Merlin voices his concerns the first few times this happens, urging Eggsy to reconsider, worried the boy may be trying to follow Harry into death.
Merlin stops trying to voice his concerns after the boy purposefully tries to off himself on a standard retrieval mission out of spite. There was more chance of Eggsy returning from a suicide mission, Merlin reasons, hands clenched every time he checks Eggsy’s mission progress through the boy’s glasses.
Eggsy never tells Merlin that he asks for the riskier missions because they make him feel closer to Harry. It’s not an issue of if Eggsy’s suicidal. He misses Harry, but he knows Harry would be so disappointed if Eggsy were to end his life before living up to his full potential. No, Eggsy feels a sense of clarity when he’s out on the field. The riskier the assignment directly corresponds to the excitement and thrill Eggsy gets out of the mission, the thrill he felt when he saw Harry beat up Dean’s goons the first time they’d met. The thrill of being a Kingsman agent.
Sometimes Eggsy feels a presence next to him in the field. He likes to pretend that it’s Harry watching over him.
*
Eggsy listens closely to the wind blowing through the open window, waiting for the words that have echoed through his head for the past few months since Harry passed.
“Eggsy,” the wind whispers, “I’m so proud of you.”
“I love you.”
Eggsy sighs contently at the ghost of Harry’s voice, eyes fluttering shut as he falls asleep.
And I swear I could hear your voice in my ear
But there was no one there at all.