Chapter Text
Imogen is hanging on by a gossamer thread.
She has been for a while, if she’s truly honest with herself. The last few months have brought a whirlwind of emotions–the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Meeting the Hells, the intensifying of her Ruidus dreams, discovering her mother is alive and working with the enemy, the continued rejection of her father, the Apogee Solstice, losing Laudna, getting Laudna back, losing Laudna again . It’s overwhelming on a good day and without Laudna, there’s no such thing as a good day. She wishes she at least had a way to contact her to reassure herself that Laudna is out there trying to find her way back to Imogen too.
The weight of everything hits her the hardest at night. During the day, it’s not quite as difficult to keep herself busy, to focus her mind on the task at hand and the lively bunch of weirdos she now surrounds herself with. In the daylight, it’s slightly easier to push the mess aside and focus on the here and now, on the actions that will (hopefully) reunite team Uthodurn with the rest of the Hells.
By daylight, Imogen does her best to focus on the love and laughter the Hells have brought into her life, deeper and brighter than anything she’s ever experienced. It’s easier to hold onto the hope that the others are okay. But the worry is too much to overcome and she knows the others can feel the anxiety radiating off of her.
Chetney, Fearne, and FCG seem convinced that the rest of the Hells are out there and they’ll be reunited soon. Imogen tries to make herself believe this, to hold onto this precious hope. But hope is all they have. They have no way of knowing where the others are in time or space or if they’re even still alive. She has no way of knowing if Laudna is still alive.
Without Laudna, Imogen feels as if the entire world has gone dark, as if the sun itself was removed from the sky.
In the quiet of camp situated just outside Uthodurn, the full weight of the last couple of months hits Imogen all at once. Her companions sleep peacefully around her, all situated in a small cave they’d taken shelter in for the night. Chet is snoring in the corner, the exhaustion from his episode the other night finally catching up to him. Glancing around the cave, Imogen sees the rest of the group in various states of rest while she keeps watch at the cave mouth.
The others had insisted she get some rest and that they could handle watch duty for the night but Imogen brushed off their concerns, arguing there’s no way she could sleep without Laudna anyway. Even on her best days, Laudna’s loving presence is the only reason Imogen is able to relax enough to fall asleep. Without her, Imogen knows there’s no hope of getting any semblance of restful sleep so she might as well be useful and let her companions get their rest.
It’s a quiet night, too quiet for Imogen’s liking, and she wishes with her entire being that Laudna and her musical thoughts were there to keep her company. She stretches her sore legs out in front of her as her thoughts, as ever, drift towards the raven haired woman and the events of the last few months.
The aftermath of the battle with Otohan gave Imogen a singular objective, a focus unlike anything she’s ever experienced before and hoped to never experience again. Come hell or high water, she was determined to find a way to get Laudna back, even if she had to hand over her own soul to Delilah. After all, half of her soul had already been ripped from her in the most brutal way the moment Otohan uttered the words “is she your favorite?” and stabbed her weapon through Laudna’s chest.
She’s known her feelings for Laudna for some time now–basically since the day they met. There has been no question that Laudna is the most important person in the world to Imogen but it wasn't until that fateful battle that she realized what it would do to her to lose Laudna. Never in her life could Imogen have imagined loving someone so deeply, so profoundly that she would go to the ends of the earth to bring them back from death. She never could have anticipated that she would love someone so much that she would sleep next to their corpse for whatever small comfort it could offer.
She’d been well aware by then just where her true feelings for Laudna lie. She’s kept it close to the vest as much as possible out of fear of ruining their friendship though, admittedly, she hasn’t been good at hiding her secret. Oftentimes, it feels like Laudna is the only one who doesn’t know how Imogen truly feels.
For nearly as long as they’ve known each other, Imogen has carried around this nagging fear that her feelings would cause her to lose Laudna forever. So it was ironic, really, that it was her obvious care for the other woman that led to Laudna’s death in that violent, bloody battle.
For so long after Laudna’s death and revival, Imogen has struggled to process what it all meant. Sure, she’d known she loves Laudna. Moreso, she’d even known that she’s in love with Laudna. But those events exposed just how obvious it is that Laudna is her weakness.
Laudna is her strength, her tether to this world. She’s also her biggest weakness.
The last time they were separated, Imogen knew that Laudna was gone the moment their connection went cold. Laudna’s musical thoughts ceased to be, which Imogen felt in her very soul. She knew in that moment that Laudna was no more. Now, she’s not sure. The music is gone, of course, but beyond that, Imogen has no idea what has become of her friend.
The worry is overwhelming. Even during the day, she struggles to push the worries aside but on a quiet night like this, it consumes her every thought.
Imogen is suddenly flooded with regret that she distanced herself from Laudna after her revival. She didn’t necessarily mean to pull away and she sure as hell didn’t want to, she just didn’t know how else to handle the situation. Laudna saved Imogen’s life so how fucking unfair was it that Imogen’s obvious love for her led to Laudna being brutally murdered. Putting distance between them was the only thing Imogen could think to do that would protect them both from the danger that accompanies Imogen’s love.
Now faced with losing Laudna again, Imogen regrets all that wasted time.
She spent weeks desperately trying to protect Laudna from herself, from whatever it is that Otohan wanted from Imogen but in the end, it wasn’t enough. Her fear of losing Laudna didn’t lead to Laudna’s safety and, ultimately, they were separated again anyway.
The lone bright spot in all of this is that Imogen finally got the courage to confide in Laudna again the night before the Apogee Solstice. In the absence of Laudna’s physical presence, the memories of that night are Imogen’s biggest–and only–source of comfort.
Imogen wishes she had Frida’s ability to replay those memories. As it is, she’s played their conversation over in her mind more times than she can count. She crosses her hands over her chest, imagining that it’s Laudna’s arms around her, embracing her as she spoke the most beautiful words Imogen has ever heard, “I love you more than anything.” The words wash over her, calming her emotions for a moment.
She wishes she could return to that moment in their quarters on the Silver Sun and tell Laudna everything. The memory is sweet enough as it is–the confirmation from both sides that nothing, no gods or mortals, would come between them and the connection they have with one another. But she wishes she had been brave enough to give voice to the feelings she’s been carrying around for so long.
Imogen called Laudna her tether, the only word that could even come close to describing the impact the other woman’s presence has on her life. To this, Laudna replied that the tether stretches beyond this realm and this life. And if there’s anything the events of the last few months have made clear, it’s this. As long as one of them draws breath, they will find their way back to one another. And if neither of them draw breath, they’ll find each other in the afterlife.
But without knowing if Laudna is okay or where she is, Imogen feels that the tether has gone slack, her dream on the first night with Deanna and Frida proof that Laudna’s grounding presence at her side is sometimes the only thing preventing her from doing something stupid. While the tether has gone slack, Imogen is so taut that she feels she could lose herself at any moment.
Though she knows sending won’t work, she can’t help but try anyway.
Gathering up her powers and putting all of her strength and focus into the incantation, Imogen casts the spell, hoping beyond all hope that it is enough to break through whatever the hell is going on and reaches Laudna’s mind.
We’re in Uthodurn are you okay? I’ve been trying to reach you. I’m scared, Laud. I’m really scared that you might be hurt or–
Imogen stops, the now familiar static filling her brain, making it impossible to continue giving voice to her worst fear. She sits on her bedroll and hugs her knees to her chest, doing her best not to cry out and risk waking up the others.
Silent tears begin streaming down her cheeks. Normally, she might attempt to brush them away but she knows it’s no use. The tears will continue to fall and she’ll continue to feel the acute loss of Laudna’s steadying, comforting presence.
Bracing herself for the static and pain, Imogen again casts sending, her thoughts drifting into the static filled void.
I miss you so much, Laud. I hope you’re safe out there. I almost gave into my dream last night. I need my tether
Imogen glances behind her to the small cave they’ve taken shelter in from the biting cold and wind. Her companions all still appear to be sleeping peacefully. Briefly, she considers waking Fearne to talk through everything she’s feeling but she stops herself. She doesn’t want to burden the others with her problems. They have to contend with her emotions during the day so the least she can do is let them sleep peacefully and unburdened by her issues. Besides, it’s her fault they’re in this mess to begin with. If it wasn’t for her, the others wouldn’t have gotten so wrapped up in these events that may or may not end the world as they know it.
Plus, though they try their best to comfort her, only Laudna really knows how to calm Imogen down when her anxieties get the better of her.
She rests her chin on her knees, tears splashing onto her bedroll. The night is quiet and with no other distractions, she’s forced to contend with each emotion as it comes.
She continues reflecting back on the conversation they had on the Silver Sun the night before the solstice. For a moment, warmth fills her chest as she imagines the life Laudna laid out before them. A peaceful, quiet existence on the edge of civilization where she–no, they–can raise horses and just be. Imogen wants it so badly she can almost feel the warmth of a fire burning in the hearth of a small cottage, her and Laudna’s personal touches everywhere. She imagines a garden in full bloom, lovingly tended to by Laudna. She imagines herself blooming as well, coming more alive without constant stress and fear weighing on her shoulders. With just a touch of shame, she imagines herself blooming in other ways too, her and Laudna growing in their romantic and intimate connection, stealing kisses while cooking breakfast and discussing what the day has in store for them. By night, they’ll tangle under the covers, Imogen greedy to worship every inch of her love’s body.
She’s built similar fantasies before. For so long, she didn’t know what the future would hold for her. Until she met Laudna, she feared she didn’t have a future at all, that the sharp sting of rejection from her dad and society would be too much to overcome. More than once, she contemplated freeing the world from herself, herself from the world. But ever since the day they met, Imogen has felt with increasing clarity that whatever her future holds, Laudna will be part of it. Over the last two years, she’s carved a safe place in her brain where these fantasies live. In her darkest, most challenging moments, she finds herself drifting to this soft corner of her mind, allowing scenarios of her and Laudna’s future to play out.
Imogen dries her tears and unfurls herself, her fantasies turning too precious, too private to remain in the presence of others. Tiptoeing around the small space and her sleeping friends, she throws on an extra sweater and emerges from the cave and relishes the cool night air.
Despite the chill in the air, Imogen’s body feels warm as her thoughts fill with hopes for her future–her and Laudna’s future. She toys with the locket around her neck, memories of their last night together flooding her. In the chaos of the Apogee Solstice, she hasn’t had time to fully process the conversation and what it might mean moving forward.
The memory of Laudna’s voice flits through her mind. “I don’t mind being your better half,” she’d said. In the moment, Imogen didn’t dare consider what that could mean, if she might not be the only one who has feelings deeper than she’s been willing to let on.
Though Laudna is not physically with her, the memories of the conversation and the images of their shared future it conjured are enough that Imogen feels the tether tighten just enough to keep her grounded. She touches her red bracelet, wondering if Laudna has too found herself running her fingers over it more in the last few days. She wonders if Laudna is anxiously fiddling with her bracelet and thinking about her too.
With spell slots to burn after a rather uneventful day of travel, Imogen casts sending again.
You really are my better half. It’s like a piece of me is missing. I promise we’ll find y’all. I won’t stop until we do.
The now familiar static washes away further thought for a moment. When it subsides, Imogen’s mind drifts, picking up the thread of her precious fantasy. She imagines a future filled with more love than she ever thought possible, certainly more than she deserves. A rare sense of peace washes over her, replacing the anxiety from mere minutes before.
She imagines an older version of herself, more sure of her identity, more confident in her own skin. This version of herself has little to worry about beyond what to make for dinner or helping Laudna keep Pate out of trouble. This version of herself gets to love Laudna openly and without fear or hesitation.
The images she conjures are so powerful that she almost convinces herself it’s a premonition, rather than a simple daydream.
Not for the first time, she wishes she knew if Laudna envisions the same kind of future as her. Does Laudna imagine slow dancing in their kitchen, kissing under the moonlight? Does Laudna imagine adopting children together, building a family and giving kids the kind of unconditional love neither one of them experienced in their childhood? Does Laudna want Imogen so much it hurts?
She’s come close to broaching the topic several times since Laudna’s revival, always stopping just short of uttering the words that have been lodged in her throat for years now. The night before the Solstice, she came within a breath of admitting her true feelings. She’s been too afraid to say anything, and told Laudna as much, but when Laudna questioned what it was, Imogen’s nerves got the better of her and she pulled back, instead steering the conversation back to the impending solstice.
She wishes now that she would have been braver. No matter Laudna’s response, at least she would’ve gotten this crushing weight off of her chest.
Imogen rests her hands behind her, giving her a better position to lean back and look at the stars that fill the night sky. She exhales through her mouth, her breath curling into mist in the cool night air. Readying herself for the static and the pain, she casts sending once again, the spell coming as naturally as breathing.
I’ve been thinking about you constantly. You have to be okay, Laud, you promised we could get a cottage and raise horses after all this.
She closes her eyes as the static fills her mind. She shakes it off quickly and chews her bottom lip as she forces the pain away and instead focuses on thoughts of Laudna’s feather light touch, always so comforting even in her darkest moments. She imagines the touches turning into more, Laudna’s long fingers trailing their usual path up and down Imogen’s arms before tracing the path of the new lightning scars that cover her chest.
A whim hits her, a fleeting moment of bravery that she latches onto before she can think better of it. Feeling confident that the spell won’t go through anyway, Imogen casts sending once again, and finally gives voice to the feelings she’s held onto for years.
The other night you asked me what I’d been afraid to tell you but I didn’t know how to put it into words.
She’s so caught up in the moment that she doesn’t realize there’s an absence of static as she immediately casts the spell again.
Truth is, Laud, I’m in love with you. I have been all along. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I’ve been too scared–
–to tell you and ruin everything. I’ve been in love with you since the day we met and don’t know what to do about it
There’s silence for a moment and Imogen relishes in the feeling that she got something major off of her chest, even though she’s certain it won’t reach her recipient.
Suddenly, Laudna’s voice rings in her head, so clear that Imogen is sure she must be hallucinating, that she somehow fell asleep and dreamed all of this. Imogen freezes, panic settling into her bones as Laudna’s musical voice flits through her head, confusion and something like hope coming through the spell’s bond.
‘Gen? Where are you? I’ve been worried sick. I thought you were de– I thought you were gone. Is this real? Darling, am I dreaming?